Ghosts, Aliens, Serial Killers, Dancing

The three most powerful words in the English language isn’t “I’ll kill youuuuuu!” It’s “rinse, lather repeat.” Where would we, as a civilized, um, civilization be without that brilliant metaphor for our otherwise disparate lives? I shudder to think.

On February 10th, 2012, we can add another three-word jumble to the pantheon of powerful phrases: Nightclub School Hospital. It’s a Chinese horror movie about… Actually, I have no idea what it’s about. There’s aliens, ghosts, serial killers, some ridiculously hot Asian chick nurses (it’s a hospital, so that makes sense), and…DANCE NUMBERS!

That’s right – dancing. Seems our friends to the East have thrown in as many entertaining elements they could think of, including choreographed booty bumpin’. And while we’re on the subject, why am I not in this movie? I can dance. Sort of. It may look like I’m getting an electric chair enema, but I have some serious moves and rhythm to burn. Just so you know, you’ve been served, sucka.

The title and the trailer for Nightclub School Hospital leaves one with more questions than answers, though. I get aliens and ghosts; with such a goofy premise, you gotta have something realistic to keep things balanced. But I’m a bit concerned about portions of Nightclub School Hospital being a dance musical. You can shake it in nightclubs. You can get your groove on in schools (after you do your homework). But dancing in hospitals, at least in the country, is frown-y faced upon. Trying to understand why they did that is gonna make my stomach hurt. Then again, if the songs are catchy…FLASHDANCE!

Hey, I’m all about cuttin’ the rug with my skillz. They don’t call me Crazy Legs because it sounds cool. You got to earn a title like that. Sucka.

My Roommate, My Ghost

It may not be immediately apparent, but there are a few downsides to having a ghost for a roommate. First, ghosts stay up all night. Pretty rough when you need to get up in the morning and go to work and you didn’t get any sleep due to all that moaning and chain rattling. Secondly, you have to wear shoes indoors all the time in case you step in a pile of invisible ectoplasm. (It’s usually warm and sticky following a session of moaning. Ahem. After it cools it’s like walking on cold Jell-O™.) And when it’s time to pay the rent, ghosts are nowhere to be seen.

This appears to be the quandary of Danny Hill in the new horror thriller movie Occupant. Danny is 25 and his grandma just kicked the bucket. And it gets even better – her demise gives Dan the chance to move into her rent-controlled apartment in Manhattan. And the place is freakin’ huge. Score!

Now comes the fun part – Danny has to lock himself inside the apartment for 12 days in order to secure the lease. That’s a New York landlord for you. The catch is Danny isn’t the only occupant.

Mind you, I used my super powers to determine that the “occupant” is a ghost. It could very well be one of those icky things that dropped off the Cloverfield monster while visiting New York in 2008 (you saw that movie, yes?), or an urban Chupacabra. Realistically, though, it’s probably just some stink hippies squatting in the crawl space.

If it is a ghost, Dan should consider getting him/her/it to co-sign on the lease. Then lay down some ground rules about that ectoplasm all over the bathroom floor.

Exit Humanity: Old Time Zombies

Exit Humanity. Another zombie movie. Gee, it’s like Christmas all over again. Sigh. No matter how much I command everyone to quit making these darn things, they still keep coming out. Looks like I’m gonna have to resort to tougher measures – take out ads in newspapers.

To be fair, Exit Humanity, another in a L-O-N-G line of upcoming living dead films, has a few different things going for it. For instance, it’s set in the post-Civil War days. (Yeah, I know there were other old time-y zombie movies, like Ghost Brigade/1992, Confederate Zombie Massacre!/2005, The Quick and the Undead/2006, Undead or Alive/2007 to name a few.) But Exit Humanity looks to be seriously authentic in terms of dressing/killing/eating people in the style of the times.

Then there’s the ensemble cast: Dee Wallace (The Howling), Stephen McHattie (Pontypool) and Bill Moseley (House of 1,000 Corpses). These actors are well-versed at not blowing their lines while dead people are chewing on ’em.

Then there’s the plot (as on loan from the movie’s Facebook™ page):

“Exit Humanity is a story told through the written and illustrated journal of Edward Young as he battles his way through an unexplainable outbreak of the walking dead a decade after the American Civil War. After returning home from a hunting trip to find a horrific re-animation of his wife Julia, and that their son Adam has disappeared, Edward starts to record his experiences with the walking dead as well as the unexplainable outbreak that has torn his family apart, and threatens all of mankind.”

There’s some other gunk about friendship, guidance and love that I took out because that kind of nonsense does NOT belong in a zombie movie. This shouldn’t be Legends of the Fall with Brad Pitt flesh-eating. Exit Humanity should be about shooting zombies in the face with a Winchester™ pump-action rifle or a period-appropriate cannon. And while we’re at it, maybe they could throw in some ’o those kick ass Wild West rodeo guys to do tricks ’n stuff while riding horses.

They should let me re-work the script. You know, to make it more exciting.

The Ghost That Knows The Most

Cassadaga is not only an upcoming horror movie with super icky maggots on the advertising one-sheet, but an actual community in Florida. Weird.

A Seneca Indian word meaning “water beneath the rocks,” Cassadaga – pronounced “Kass-uh-day-guh” (my best guess, anyway) – is for real home to a large number of psychics and mediums, none of which are rare. Heh. There’s so many future-foretellers in the Volusia County community, Cassadaga has been called the “Psychic Capital of the World.” And here all this time that distinction belonged to Mormon owned and operated churches in Utah.

In Cassadaga the movie, I bet Lily, the reasonably attractive older sister of a little girl that was murdered by a school bus, wishes she was psychic. But her grief after little sister was made permanently late for school, forced her to move to Cassadaga, where she encounters a really pissed off ghost during a seance designed to bring closure. Didn’t see that coming. (And her sister didn’t see the bus coming, either. Heh.)

The thing about seance ghosts is that they’ll bug the living crap outta you  until you do what they want, which is to get some closure themselves. In this case, the violently murdered young chick needing Lily to expose a serial killer called Geppetto (wasn’t that Pinnochio’s old man?), a guy who butchers chicks and uses their body parts to make a human puppet. Big deal – Victor Frankenstein was making patchwork humans over 80 years ago. Been there, stitched that.

So while Lily is off playing Cassadaga C.S.I., her sister’s pancaked soul is doomed to walk the lobby between Heaven and Hell. And, if I’m interpreting the movie poster right, to eat maggots – for protein and such.

Rarely am I wrong about such things. The psychic told me so. And it only cost me $125.00 for her to tell me what I already knew. Swish – nothin’ but net!

Hell Bent For Hell

The world is going to Hell in a hand basket. People crossing the street without waiting for the “walk” signal… Cats texting dogs… Movie stars not making enough money… And peanut butter and jelly not getting along anymore.

In response, the Catholic Church, freaked out about all of this and the growing cases of demonic possession across the land, forms a secret organization to counteract EVIL, even though no one asked them to. (Just like the Catholic church to overreact – it could be just instances of hellish indigestion.)

The Cloth, an upcoming “action-horror story,” uses this for its pew-making plot. And it gets better – the story “follows a young godless man who is being recruited into the cloth.”

The fabric in question is designer clothes made Holy by someone ordained by the church who sprinkles God water on ’em (Dry-cleaning would be preferable.). Talk about a fashion faux paus; if you’re faithless, this cloth will clash with everything in your wardrobe.

As for the young godless man the church is trying to brainwash (only one?), he sounds like an upstanding citizen. My guess is that he’s actually the very demon the church is hoping to wipe clean, like some sort of blessed Scrubbing Bubbles™. I know what you’re thinking – wouldn’t a demon start sneezing and get runny eyes ’n stuff if he walked into a church? Yep. But it’s not like a demon sees the cross and needs to quickly find a restroom to park a righteous steamer. And while we’re on the subject, priest droppings smell simply unholy.

The Cloth is the next in a continuous line of demonic possession movies currently praying for big box office returns: The Last Exorcism/2010 (meh), Devil/2010 (Not bad. Maybe not bad enough); Insidious/2011 (Crap special effects and horror cliches aplenty); 11-11-11/2011 (Quite possibly the worst excuse for anti-religion since the last Slayer album); The Devil Inside/2012 (Evil lite). And because the world is going to Hell in a hand basket, expect more – or at the very least, sequels.

I need to find a sanctioned bathroom and pray to the porcelain god for relief from these types of movies. And this hellish indigestion I’ve been having.

Planet of the Art-y Apes

The question isn’t whether or not illustrations of talking gorillas belong in the home, it’s how many people you have to step over to get ’em.

The entire original Planet of the Apes franchise (1968 – 1973) has been given the ink treatment by some human artists who’ve artistically interpreted the species-superior apes. Even Dr. Zaius would be impressed.

Available randomly through Mondotees.com, the 24”x36” limited edition prints are being sold as a series for $230 banana skins (ape speak for cash money). That they’re up for grabs as a set is good as it would be a crime against the future to break up the collection.

So who are these humans that’ve honored their ape masters? First up is an illustration by Martin Ansin who represented the first Planet movie. The art is rendered in hues of yellow and orange, the color of many species of fruit. Fruit is what apes eat. Talk about synergy!

Next up are depictions of Beneath the Planet of the Apes by Ken Taylor and Escape From Planet of the Apes by Rich Kelly. Ken’s art encompasses all the elements that made Beneath a mind-blowing sequel, from the bleeding statue of the Lawgiver to the radiation-scarred mutant’s underground church cathedral and the nuclear bomb they all worship. (There’s never a problem with the collection plate when your God can blow up at any moment.)

Rich wisely chose to illustrate the iconic opening scene of Escape when the ape-o-nauts removed their space helmets and revealed themselves to the Earth’s past. I would’ve freaked if Rich painted the scene where Dr. Otto Hasslein, the President’s Science Advisor, gooned out that humans will one day be house pets to monkeys, shoots Zira and the marines shoot Cornelius, her legally wedded husband. I can handle a lot, but this would be too painful for even a speaking human like me to take.

Phantom City Creative portrayed Conquest of the Planet of the Apes and its star Caesar, the now grown surviving offspring of the slain (excuse me, I need a moment), Zira and Cornelius Simian. How noble and wise he looks.

Battle for the Planet of the Apes was envisioned by Florian Bertmer and acts as a crime scene photo (even though it’s illustrated). I say this because the primary law among the simian culture is that “Ape shall not kill Ape.” It’s OK to kill man, though. In fact, it’s encouraged in the context of Ape City. But to kill one of your own? An unforgiveable affront to your race – and very human of you.

The final poster is a rendition of the famous 20th Century Fox promotion that was a nice tongue-in-cheek spin on J.M. Flagg’s “Uncle Sam Wants You” recruitment propaganda back in 1917. (Flagg’s version was a spin on the 1914 poster by British Lord Kitchener, who had a cool handlebar moustache.) This version has the ridiculously cool Alamo Drafthouse movie theater as the call to arms, using General Ursus in place of an unnamed gorilla foot soldier depicted in the original advertising.

When I was but a budding human, the Admiral Twin Theatre (they had really good popcorn) had an advertising poster that said, “Go Ape For A Day,” showing all five Planet of the Ape movies back-to-back. I plopped down in the sixth row for almost nine hours of Ape-y action, consumed three pounds of red vines, six packs of M&Ms™, one gallon of Coke™ and two large popcorns hosed down with real butter. (The “butter” they put on movie popcorn today is anything but.)

So if you’re an Apes fan, this set is the must-have fashion statement of the year. Unless you’re an ape yourself. Then it would be burlap.

Fangs of War: Vampire Military

After watching zombies serve their country in horror war movies for the last several decades (click HERE to read my super duper comprehensive research), it’s about time vampires were drafted into military service. I don’t care if you eat or suck on your countrymen – every monster should represent their flag.

In Fangs of War (2012), creatures of the night finally get their marching orders. It’s 1944. Every country in the world worth mentioning were disrespecting each other with explode-y things. And the Nazi Supernatural Division (kinda like an after school 4-H club with guns) has taken up residency in Castle Dracula. Why? For one thing, well-appointed bathrooms. Secondly, to unlock the secret behind Dracula’s immortality. Why? Beats the Goth outta me.

A new spin on the whole 1897 Bram Stoker tale, you have OSS agent RM Renfield in place of the fly-eating lickspittle (I love that word), Lieutenant Jonathan Harker (formerly a real state agent who went to great lengths to get that sales commission), Dr. John Seward (house manager of an insane asylum), and Anna Van Helsing, daughter of Professor Abraham Van Helsing, world renowned vampire hunter (nice work if you can get it).

The plan is to unite forces (along with Texas sharpshooter Quincey Morris) to form a covert special ops team and surprise the Nazis and shoot them in the facial area. The plan looks good on paper. But someone forgot that Dracula and his brides (Drac’s a polygamist as well as a fancy dresser and blood connoisseur) also live in the castle and don’t like drop-in guests. In all, Fangs of War sounds like a face-shooting/face-biting good time.

With three wives, I bet Dracula gets nagged a lot.

Night Claws – A Killer Bigfoot Movie

It disturbs me when filmmakers portray Bigfoot as a blood thirsty killer. Besides being just plain mean, it’s not even close to accurately profiling our forest friend. Sure, Bigfoot’s pulled a few pranks; who among us hasn’t loosened the cap on a salt shaker and waited for an unsuspecting person to go to shake a little flavor onto some french fries or cereal, only to have their meal ruined. (In all fairness, that is pretty funny. Not if it happened to me, though.) But Bigfoot as a killer? Not even close.

But that’s exactly how Bigfoot is made out to be in the upcoming indie movie, Night Claws. In the film, and I quote, “A small town is being terrorized by a killer Bigfoot. One that is blood thirsty, vicious and kills without warning and without discrimination.” Bigfoot should get himself a lawyer because that’s a clear case of slander.

A scientist, sheriff and a hunter are all after Bigfoot for different reasons. There should be only one – to exonerate Bigfoot’s reputation and restore his status as a charitable woodland benefactor with well-defined eco-concerns.

One can only hope Night Claws is a work of fiction and a loose artistic interpretation of the world’s greatest cryptid. But just in case, I’m having my attorney look into this.

Monsterological Measures Department

Meteorological Agency Monsterological Measures Department (MMD).

A mouthful in any language. But this Japanese agency, formed to offset city wide collateral damage incurred by repeated shopping/beer runs by giant monsters, simply refer to themselves in the “easier on the tongue” MMD.

Here’s what the team says about their job responsibilities: “The work is challenging, the public is hostile, and the monsters are hungry. But the MMD crew has science, teamwork – and a legendary secret weapon on their side. Together we will try and save Japan and the universe!”

Best that Team MMD should concentrate on Japan and leave saving the Universe to  guys like Stephen Hawking and/or Space Jesus.

Monster Magnitude 9, a popular weekly TV show in Japantown, and was first introduced to your face in this here snoop bloggy blog on August 6, 2010 at 4:34 am. (I couldn’t sleep as I had an upset tummy. That, and there was a werewolf outside, throwing small rocks at my window, that dick.) Click HERE to read it.

Since it’s really tough to get a good TV signal from Japan, you can now get the book version of MM9 here in United Statesland. Written by Hiroshi Yamamoto, MM9 will prison rape your wallet to the tune of $14.99. Those of you in Canada can expect to grab your ankles even harder as you’re gonna pay $16.99. MM9 is also available as an eBook on the Amazon Kindle, Apple’s iBooks Store, the Barnes & Noble’s Nook Books Store, and the Sony Reader Store for a much less penetrating $8.99.

Here’s some marketing to get you to cough up your fun yen: “Japan is beset by natural disasters all the time: typhoons, earthquakes…and giant monster attacks. A special anti-monster unit called the Meteorological Agency Monsterological Measures Department (MMD) has been formed to deal with natural disasters of high “monster magnitude.”

The press release goes on to say that “the B-movie monsters we know and love are basically treated like meteorological disasters along the lines of hurricanes or earthquakes by the MMD, who measures the “monster magnitude” of the various threats, and uses both science and folkloric knowledge to try to save Japan from constant repeated attack. It also gives an intriguing and wild answer to the question of how such enormous creatures could exist without the laws of physics kicking it.”

Laws of physics? A giant monster smacks a building. The building falls down. What part of wholesale destruction don’t you understand?

Israeli Zombies

“I got a good idea – let’s make a zombie movie!”

In what could be the last country on Earth to make a living dead flick this side of Antarctica (still waiting for a flick about zombie penguins), Israel tosses one the compost pile with Poisoned (2011), a zombie comedy featuring laughs, flesh-eating and butt-scratching.

According to Undead Brainspasm, Poisoned has only been seen inside Israeli borders, being premiered on the Icon TLV science fiction and fantasy film festival in Tel Aviv. I hope you’re writing this down.

Since it’s doubtful you’ll be getting Poisoned any time soon (OK, that didn’t sound right), here’s a rundown of the chowdown: “What makes this night different from all nights? On this night, the army really marches on its stomach! Passover at the base can be a real blow. Especially if you are a custodian stuck with a psychopathic commander, your high school crush has suddenly arrived, and all the soldiers have become flesh-eating zombies. But whose not used to suffering at the Seder?”

Educational content: “The Passover Seder is a Jewish ritual feast that marks the beginning of the Jewish holiday of Passover. It is conducted on the evenings of the 14th day of Nisan in the Hebrew calendar, and on the 15th by traditionally observant Jews living outside Israel.”

I’m down with that. Nisan makes good cars.

So yeah, yet another stinkin’ zombie film. I’ve written that sentence so many times, my keyboard looks like it was typed on with a ball peen hammer.

I get that zombie movies are a no-brainer (ahem). But for crying out loud, everyone stop doing undead movies right now. Enough already. Geez. You’re giving me a migraine. Hey, there’s good idea for a horror movie! Have some guy suffer from chronic headaches to the point where his brain lava lamps inside his skull. Then the particulate goo somehow regenerates and the guy comes back to life and…

Dammit.