Horror Camel, Half A Vampire, Death For Dinner

Art is horror. Conversely, horror is art. At least it is on the Bottleneck Gallery (bottleneckgallery.com) and the Hero Complex Gallery (hgcart.com) websites, where you can buy super awesome illustrated prints of classic horror/sci-fi movies. At around $60, these 24”x36” prints are more affordable than, say, a night out at the Tug Tavern.

Illustrated by some of the best artists in this sector of the known Universe, you can purchase prints of Planet of the Apes, Let The Right One In, Scream, The Shape of Water, What We Do in the Shadows, Beetlejuice, Alien, Aliens, Starship Troopers, The Addams Family, Mad Max: Fury Road, Prometheus, and more. Okay, you MIGHT’VE been able to snag these prints, as all are quite limited and probably already snapped up. But hey, bookmark those gallery websites and get in front of the grocery line for upcoming art.

While you take down your New Kids On The Block vintage (and collectible) posters to make room for Frankenstein, Dracula and The Creature From The Black Lagoon prints, here are a few out now horror movies that may or may not be better than an evening at the Tug Tavern…

BLOODLINES: THE JERSEY DEVIL CURSE / Out now (VOD)

“Something stalks the Pine Barrens of New Jersey. A demon said to inhabit the dark forests of these lands has stalked and terrified the locals for centuries, but what is the true story behind its dark origin? Said to be the thirteenth child of a witch, the Jersey Devil has long been known as one of the most popular urban legends in North America. But did you know its history stretches back thousands of years and hints at something far more terrifying than a simple ‘fairytale’? Now, uncover the roots to one of the most dramatic, and dramatically terrifying accounts of the Jersey Devil in recent memory.”

The Jersey Devil has been around for a long time, but he/she/it doesn’t have the same star power as Mothman or the Chupacabra. Probably because JD looks like a bat-winged camel with hooves of doom. Not very marketable. Time for a makeover — for starters, lose the hippie sideburns and get some new footwear.

DAMPYR / Out now (VOD)

“Haunted by nightmares, Harlan Draka wanders the countryside, shamelessly making money pretending to be a Dampyr (half-human and half-vampire) ridding villages of what the villagers naively believe to be evil monsters. But when he is summoned by soldiers who are under attack by real vampires, Harlan finds out the truth: he is a Dampyr. While trying to destroy a terrible Master of the Night, he will have to learn to manage his powers and further uncover his origins.”

So you’re half vampire, half human. Does that mean you suck yourself? 

THE FEARWAY / Out now (VOD)

“A young couple traveling down the freeway seem to be unable to get off the road after being hunted by someone intent on keeping them on the road.”

Then they shouldn’t have gotten a job with Uber Eats™.

MOST HORRIBLE THINGS / Out now (VOD)

“Looking forward to a once-in-a-lifetime experience, six single Twenty-somethings find themselves Valentine’s Day guests of an enigmatic host. Each of them have been offered money and the promise of love, if only they can survive through dinner.”

How could they not survive dinner? That green bean casserole is to die for.

Artsy Godzilla, Clown Lodgings, Scary Streets

Killer cover art for Godzilla Aftershock, the just released official graphic novel prequel to Godzilla: King of the Monsters (May 31, 2019). It’s times like this I wish I knew how to read. Fortunately, it looks to have lots of cool pictures.

Godzilla Aftershock was authored by Arvid Nelson and illustrated by Drew Edward Johnson. They seem nice. And here’s why: “The brilliant and driven Monarch operative Dr. Emma Russell races to stop the threat as clues emerge to reveal a terrible secret — a tragedy of apocalyptic proportions from the distant past that changed the course of human history, is returning to threaten it once more. A shadowy figure stalks Emma’s every move as she travels the globe to uncover secrets, while Godzilla clashes in an ancient rivalry as old as the Earth itself.”

You can get Godzilla Aftershock in hardcover for $18.71 on Amazon.com (free shipping if you’re a Prime™ member). While you’re clicking “Buy The F*ck Now” button, grab the Godzilla Aftershock Variant for $22.49 with exclusive cover illustration by Art Adams. He seems nice as well.

For those of us who don’t know how to read, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not seem nice…

CLOWN MOTEL (June 4, 2019)
“A group of ghost hunters return home from Las Vegas. When they arrive at the Clown Motel, they’re left to discover if it is really abandoned and haunted by the souls of the clowns that once lived there.”

Clowns live in motels? I thought they lived in colorful tents.

PROJECT ITHACA (June 7, 2019)
“Five strangers awaken to find themselves trapped aboard an alien spaceship that seems to be harnessing their terror to power the ship. They begin to understand that these species have been abducting humans for decades and possibly centuries.”

I harness my terror to power my bladder. In space no one can hear me stream.

CLINTON ROAD (June 14, 2019)
“A widowed fire fighter seeks closure after his wife goes missing on an actual haunted road in rural New Jersey, but must unlock the road’s secret if he wants to get out alive.”

Clinton Road is a real stretch of street in New Jersey where sightings of spookified ghosts are commonplace, as are weirdo creatures, stinky witches and jaywalking Satanists. The real horror, however, is that Clinton Road has the country’s longest traffic light wait.

TERMINATOR: DARK FATE (November 1, 2019)
“Terminator: Dark Fate takes place the day after Judgment Day, and Sarah Connor is locked, loaded, and ready to roll.”

Sarah’s been dusting up with unstoppable future robots since 1984. She’s like the Laurie Strode of the future.

Venomous Coffee, Demon Soul-Sucker, Biker Biters

What instead of you drinking coffee or discount vodka from your favorite mug, the mug drinks from you? That’s the genius behind Moldy Mugs, a series of handcrafted and expertly designed (by Joe Rowles) horror drinking cups (ranging from 12 oz. to 17 oz.).

While these mugs carry a hefty price ($90.00 for a the 12 oz. version), how flippin’ cool would it be to wrap your coffee/discount vodka sucking mouth hole around one of these magnificent hand-washable art pieces?

While you FINISH READING this blog, click HERE to visit Moldy Mugs — featuring their new Venom™ entry — and get ready to have the life sucked out of you for a change. In the meantime, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not transport you the way discount vodka never fails to do…

ANOTHER SOUL (available now)
“Megan cannot stop the nightmares. Her parents, Rob and Susan, are at their wit’s end. When a couple suggest Megan’s soul may be the target of a soul-hungry demon, the family find themselves in a battle for Megan’s life.”

Megan rhymes with Regan, another young girl the target of an evil entity about 45 years ago. So would this be a rip-off 1973’s The Exorcist, but with higher-def projectile vomiting? Of the 23 possible answers, The Magic 8-Ball™ says, “Signs point to yes.”

DOWN A DARK HALL (August 17, 2018)
“Kit, a difficult young girl, is sent to the mysterious Blackwood Boarding School run by eccentric headmistress Madame Duret. While exploring the labyrinthine corridors of the school, Kit and her classmates discover that Blackwood Manor hides an age-old secret rooted in the paranormal.”

I liked it better when it was called Suspiria (Italy, 1977).

HOWLERS (2018)
“A mysterious monster hunter from the Old West who returns from the grave to stop a bloodthirsty werewolf motorcycle gang from terrorizing a small town.”

Not a new concept. Anyone remember the cult schlock classic Werewolves on Wheels (1971)? If you don’t, your mom does.

WEST OF HELL (2018)
“A gunslinger and a vengeful ex-slave board a midnight train to Atlanta. They discover that the train is haunted by a sinister force…and may not be headed to Atlanta after all.”

Yep, they got on the train to New Jersey by accident.

Slasher Swimmer, Eating Your Ex, Neighborhood Sharks

Like the red balloons tied to sewer drains in homage marketing to It (2017, the life-size statue of Jason Voorhees from the Friday the 13th series placed at the bottom of a popular (but unnamed) diving lake in Minnesota (chained to a boulder and dropped unceremoniously into Camp Crystal Lake in Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI/1986), is beyond cool. If you were diving in the lake and came upon “Jason”, there is a steep probability you’ll end up polluting the water. Confidence is high.

According to news reports, the statue was put there by an unknown fan/prankster (Frankster?) in 2013, where it continues to wait for the right moment to spring out and start knocking over canoes, which I think is unlawful and just plain mean. (P.S. The original film’s Camp Crystal Lake is in New Jersey.)

While we try and top that, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not belong at the bottom of a lake…

APARTMENT 212 (March 16, 2018)
“Jennifer Conrad is a small-town girl starting over in the big city. Fleeing an abusive relationship, all she wants is a chance to begin again. But it is hard to start over when something is eating you while you sleep…one painful bite at a time.”

Either her boyfriend is a romantic cannibal, or it’s time to call Orkin™. Or, she could just bleach the sheets.

CAUGHT (March 30, 2018)
“While on an afternoon walk with their children, two small town reporters notice the military camped on a hilltop. Debating the possible significance of this activity, they answer their door when two unusual strangers come knocking and find themselves held hostage in their own home.”

Several theories — the military is there, waiting to capture visiting aliens. Or the unusual strangers could be nothing more than delivery guys for AmazonFresh Grocery™. Or they simply could be Mormons. Or Mormons delivering groceries with a message of hope and upcoming sales.

IT HUNGERS (2018)
“Fact. When people become frightened, their bodies are flooded with a stress hormone called Cortisol. There is a creature that feeds on humans, but only when our bodies are ripe with fear and flooded with Cortisol. Only then does it like the taste of human flesh. Only then will it feed Deep in the forest, a beautiful young woman on the run from the law escapes into the creature’s lair. Like a chef preparing his meal, the creature unleashes a phantom to terrify her. A macabre clown. Once she is terrified enough to be consumed, the creature will move in for the kill. But she is no ordinary girl and she is ready fight to survive.”

Color me ignorant, but isn’t this a bald-face rip-off of It (2017)? (Um, I don’t know what the color of ignorant is — I’m hoping something in a nice mauve, perhaps.)

HOUSE SHARK (2018)
“You’re gonna need a bigger house! When Frank finds his happy home under attack by a dangerous but largely unknown breed of shark, he’s enlists the aid of the world’s only ‘House Shark’ expert, Zachary, and a grizzled former real estate agent, Abraham, to embark on a desperate quest to destroy the beast and claim back his life. It’s Jaws in a house!”

Full disclosure — I already flagged this one in August of 2015. Amazing that’s its taking this long to get the “film” out there. So what’s next — Condo Shark? Apartment Rental Shark? Airbnb Shark? If they come up with Flophouse Shark, though, I’m totally in.

King Kong’s Kid

Son of Kong (1933) picks up right after King Kong (1933) ends, with more crushable humans heading back to Skull Island, where they meet Kiko, the laid back son of Kong. Kinda flummoxed as to why they didn’t go with Wife of Kong or Kong’s Mom as the first sequel; The offspring of King Kong just explodes my head with more questions.

Failed filmmaker Carl Denham, who brought King Kong to New York with disastrous results, is about to get sued for trillions of banana skins for the cataclysmic catastrophe caused by his misbehaved monkey. Denham doesn’t have that kind of cash lying around, so he goes back to Skull Island after hearing there was buried treasure just waiting for the scooping.

Traveling by boat (sea trains were as yet not invented in 1933), some scuffling breaks out and the ships captain boots everyone off his stinky vessel. The five exiles make it to the island where the natives, remembering the crap Denham stirred up during his last vacation there, blame him for the cataclysmic catastrophe caused to their jungle town and want to sue. I tell you, this guy cannot get a break.

Denham and his expatriates meet “Little Kong” and discover he’s a lot more even tempered than his old man. Some dinosaurs show up, some words were said, a few people get eaten. And Son of K, being the nice guy he strives to be, defends them. That is, until an earthquake, probably caused by caused by Godzilla, sinks the island and all the lawyers on it. Kong, though, sacrifices himself to save Denham, his friends and the treasure. The survivors make it back to the mainland, live large and drink lots of banana margaritas and barely speak of…That Day.

Later, Little Kong’s sea bloated body washes up on the Jersey shore where it was repurposed as a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon. You have to watch all through the credits to get to the good stuff.