Playground Purgatory, Horror Vegetables, Mature Mutants

There’s a famous wall painting on Dante’s live music club in downtown Portland, OR that proudly proclaims, “Keep Portland Weird.” This caught on to the point there are bumperstickers, buttons and t-shirts everywhere sporting the city’s unofficial slogan. But for really bold weirdness, one only needs to hitchhike 104 miles south to Eugene, OR where an uproar on social media over a park slide seeks to topple Portland’s innate oddity status.

In the Owen Rose Garden City Park, residents were treated Hellraiser’s Pinhead being turned into a playground slide. Predictably, this sent locals into a Karen-esque tizzy; “These liberal sh*theads have gone too far this time.” A Eugene resident angrily posted to Facebook™. “It’s clear they are trying to groom our children to be monsters. Satanic, evil monsters. They obviously want to normalize this sort of thing. And you know this abomination will just attract weirdos to our nice little town.” Another posted response: “We have to come together as a community and nip this in the bud before things get out of hand. Let’s send this horrific ‘children’s playground’ back to hell.”

If only these quick-to-mouth rabble rousers got the joke. The Pinhead slide is an amazingly realistic art piece by 3D artist and Virtual Reality sculptor Cabel Adams, who posted it on social media, deliciously punking the leaning-far-too-right residents.

This isn’t the first time Cabel struck comedy gold with his crazy 3D and Photoshop™ skills. There’s his Voorhees Island, with a “stone” Jason obelisk in the middle of Washington’s State’s Lake Crescent (or “Crescent Lake”). Then there’s the cool Thomas The Train wickedly reimagined as an evil machine, as well as his horror movie villain hot-air “balloons” floating menacingly over Oregon’s Lane County town during its annual film fest.

While we all wait for Eugene’s locals to grow a sense of humor, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not spur Oregonian condemnation… 

CHILDREN OF THE CORN / March 3, 2023 (Limited) March 21, 2023 (VOD)

“A psychopathic twelve-year-old girl in a small town in Nebraska recruits all the other children and goes on a bloody rampage, killing the corrupt adults and anyone else who opposes her. A bright high schooler who won’t go along with the plan is the town’s only hope of survival.”

For anyone keeping score, this makes 11 Children of the Corn movies, which debuted in 1984. This latest one was done in 2020 and is just now getting out to people who want more corn in their diet. 

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES: MUTANT MAYHEM / August 4, 2023 (Theaters)

“The heroes in a half-shell are back for their latest re-imagining, emerging from the sewers to defend New York from an army of fellow mutants.”

Their film debuting over 30 years ago, you can hardly call the turtles “teenage” anymore. They should call themselves Medicare Mutant Ninja Turtles. 

THE DARK ROOM / Release pending 2023 (DVD/VOD)

“An amateur photographer witnesses something while he’s developing photos that were brought to him by a pastor. The whole town is in amass panic and an active investigation is going on due to multiple decapitations in the area. The photographer is conflicted about sharing the news and the photographs he has developed.”

Developing photos? What year is this set in — 1935?

HUNT HER, KILL HER / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“During her first night on the job a lone night shift janitor finds herself in an unexpected fight for survival when she becomes the target of sinister masked intruders. As their disturbing motives become clearer, she must use her crafty instincts and barbaric violence to make it through the night alive.”

To get a coveted job as a night janitor, crafty instincts and barbaric violence should be emphasized on your resume.

Monster Metal, Naked Zombies, Supernatural Weather Report

Two things happen during a show by monster horror punk metal band Gwar. The bludgeoning music is so loud, your eardrums will turn into pudding. Secondly, you’re gonna get drenched in blood. And not just any blood, mind you — this is rock ‘n roll blood. You wouldn’t know it, but there is a difference.

Given Gwar’s long-established horror leanings (monstrous costumes and names like Pustulus Maximus), being re-purposed into a graphic novel is a logical extension of the band’s monstersphere. Described as being a harrowing epic of blood, bile and fire, Gwar: In The Duoverse of Absurdity is available now from Z2 Comics™ in a variety of editions, including a bare-bones soft-cover version all the way up to an “only-one-exists” special oversized Berserker hardback edition that costs…$5,999.99. (It’s signed by Gwar and is loaded with a metric ton of cool extras and bonuses. No word if it comes with blood stain remover.)  

The graphic novel’s premise: “Those hard-rocking Scumdogs of the Universe, GWAR, are back in an all-new graphic novel that’s so intense, it even makes them puke! In Gwar: In The Duoverse of Absurdity, fresh off the presses from Z2 Comics™, Blóthar, BälSäc, Beefcake, JiZMak da Gusha and Pustulus Maximus must face off against even more depraved, more evil and more disgusting versions of themselves from an alternate universe to save mankind.”

More evil and more disgusting versions of themselves. Sounds like they’ve been binge drinking at the Tug Tavern. So while you click here to order a copy (hurry — they’re almost sold out), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not require you to wash your clothes after viewing ’em…

BABEZILLA VS. THE ZOMBIE WHORDE / Out now (VOD)

“It seemed like a normal day of booty shaking for Babezilla until the evil tweeker pimps scheme to hypnotize the women of the Internet into being their whores accidentally turned them into the ravenous Zimbie WHorde! Babezilla to the rescue!”

Babezilla booty shakes around in clothing no bigger than dental floss. Everything else is just “bone-us” material.

SIGNAL 100 / Out now (Screambox™)

“A group of high school students are forced into an assignment where they are hypnotized and will commit suicide on an unknown command.”

That’s one way to get high school students to do their homework.

ANIMALIA / Out now (VOD)

“Heavily pregnant Itto looks forward to a day of peace and quiet when she gets her affluent household mostly to herself after her husband, Amine, goes away on business. She’s quickly lost sight of her modest origins and has adapted to her new family’s detached opulence. But when a mysterious state of emergency is declared nationwide, Itto struggles to find help; meanwhile, increasingly ominous events and strange weather phenomena suggest a supernatural presence is nearing. While frantically searching for a way back to Amine, Itto unexpectedly finds emancipation and the possibility of solace in a new world order.”

Today’s weather report — cloudy with a chance of aliens.

WE HAVE A GHOST / February 24, 2023 (Netflix™)

“Finding a ghost named Ernest haunting their new home turns Kevin’s family into overnight social media sensations. But when Kevin and Ernest go rogue to investigate the mystery of Ernest’s past, they become a target of the CIA.”

A ghost named Ernest. If I was a ghost, I’d give myself a name like Phil Ur Pants or Rayth.

Groovy Vampire, Goodwill Evil, Plush Shark

In 1972, the deliciously cheesy vampire classic Blacula was released to mixed reviews, but went on to become one of the top-grossing movies of that year, and was followed by Scream Blacula Scream in 1973. Mind you, top-grossing in those days meant it made enough to cover the film’s budget without ending up in gas station discount VHS bins. (That’s where I bought my copy.) In the genre-busting movie, African prince Mamuwalde was turned into a vampire in 1780 and locked in a coffin by that mean Count Dracula fellow. This is because Drac refused to help Mamuwalde help suppress the slave trade. Meet the old boss, same as the new boss.

But now, over 50 years later, Blacula is backula as the star of his own graphic novel: Blacula: Return of the King. Written by Rodney Barnes and illustrated by Jason Shawn Alexander, the $19.99/128 page book ( releasing January 31, 2023/Zombie Love Studios™) resurrects the soul-sucking vampire and to right a few wrongs. From the press release: “The book is an adaptation and expansion of the classic 1972 blaxploitation film that brings it to the modern day, pushing boundaries with its contemporary setting for the film’s characters.”

“Los Angeles – the City of Angels. Two souls, one is looking for vengeance and one is looking for the truth. They share one thing in common, they are both searching for the legendary vampire Blacula. Tina Thomas is a reporter for the blog Dark Knights, which chronicles all things unnatural, uneasy, and undead. She meets a young man named Kross whose family was forever changed by the vampire. Kross asks Tina to help him kill Blacula. Blacula, too, is on a mission — he’s searching for the one who forever changed his life centuries ago — Count Dracula.”

While you preorder Blacula: Return of the King (Amazon™/Barnes & Noble™) and scour eBay™, the equivalent of a gas station discount VHS bin, to get a copy of the original Blacula ($7.90 — $29.99) here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as stylishly groovy as a black vampire… 

SHE CAME FROM THE WOODS / February 10, 2023 (Limited/VOD)

“A group of counselors accidentally unleash an ancient evil spirit on the last night of a summer camp. As the situation turns bloody, the group is forced to confront what stories are worth telling and what secrets are worth keeping.”

Forget the woods…Always shop for ancient evil at Goodwill™ — great selection.

THE WELDER / February 24, 2023 (VOD)

“A Latina woman emotionally is scarred by her military service. Hoping to alleviate her stress, she embarks on a ranch vacation with her African American boyfriend. However, the couple’s relaxing weekend spirals into a nightmare of depravity and violence when they run afoul of a mad doctor bent on conducting macabre racial experiments.”

“Alleviating stress” and “mad doctor.” Sounds like a visit to my primary care physician. Which reminds me, I need to schedule an appointment. I haven’t been experimented on in a while.

DOLL SHARK / April 11, 2023 (DVD – SRS Cinema) 

“‘Sea Shark Swim’, the red hot online music video, is all the rage in children’s entertainment, setting records across social media and top streaming platforms. One of its biggest fans, a young boy named Kirby, receives a special gift from his dad, the famed shark hunter, Brock Banner – the doll from the show! However, Brock, thinking it would be a lucky charm, has hidden a tooth inside the toy from a shark he caught and killed. Soon the doll becomes possessed by the spirit of the evil sea beast! As the child spends a weekend with a nasty babysitter, the doll comes to life, feasting on bodies and wreaking havoc on the unsuspecting household.”

A stuffed shark stuffing itself with bodies. How could this possibly suck?

DUNGEONS & DRAGONS: HONOR AMONG THIEVES / MARCH 31, 2023 (Theaters)

“A charming thief and a band of unlikely adventurers embark on an epic quest to retrieve a lost relic, but things go dangerously awry when they run afoul of the wrong people.”

A live action film of the popular board game first introduced in 1974. Never played it. I’m more of a 1975 kinda guy. 

Sparse Horror, Demonic To-Do List, Evil Heaven

Minimalist horror/sci-fi movie posters say a lot with just images and not fancy logos to tell you what movie its representing. Kinda like flipping someone the middle finger without the need to say what the finger means in language befitting a merchant marine or a third-grader.

Here are some excellent examples of minimalist horror movie art, the first one being just a typewriter and a bloody hatchet, elegantly portraying the key components of The Shining (1980). An argument could be made for using the movie’s iconic snow maze with Lloyd the ghost bartender at the center of it. But hey, a typewriter and axe works.

Take a look at the other minimal horror art and see if you can tell what movie it represents. If you guess correctly, you win a cookie or something. And while you’re doing that, here are a few out now/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not deserve a middle finger…

DEMONIC ALIENS: UFOs FROM INNER SPACE / Out now (VOD)

“Are what we call ‘Aliens’ actually demonic forces and using the phenomenon to further their agenda on Earth? With negative effects on many experiencers, from burns to psychological damage, it would seem there are nefarious forces at work here on Earth that may not be from outer space. The bible speaks of entities upon the Earth before man as well as ten dimensions that science and academia have long lost interest in exploring. Perhaps now is the time to go back to the ancient texts to gain insight into this ever expanding phenomenon.”

Other than registering as being Republican, what other agenda could demonic forces possibly have?

BLACK LAKE DIRECTOR’S CUT / FEBRUARY 27, 2023 (VOD)

“Aarya leaves her family in the city to pursue her passion for the arts. She is gifted a red scarf and is haunted by a Churail, a demonic and malevolent South Asian witch.”

This one came out in 2020, but now gets a sweet upgrade with lots of extras. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say they added more demonic and malevolent stuff. Hope it doesn’t offend my spiritual beliefs. Just kidding — I don’t have any of those.

NEW WORLD ORDER: DARK PRINCE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When God takes on the form of a man, a grief-stricken sergeant must battle his internal demons to defeat an evil empire.”

The evil empire being Heaven, of course.

DIRTY JERSEY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Three friends go for an off-roading adventure in the Pine Barrens, but their friendship is torn to pieces, along with them.”

You’d think it was the Jersey Devil making bodily harm happen, but I watched the trailer and the creature looks like an adult sized rabbit wearing pants. And not nice pants, either.

The Devil’s Wristwatch, Porno Demons, Freezer Flesh

Two things immediately stand out in regards to the stunning RM 66 Flying Tourbillon watch. One is its spectacular horror rock horn skeletal mechanism design that would look perfect on Black Sabbath’s wrist or an Alien movie. Secondly, the limited-to-50 pieces, is its $1.1 million dollar price tag. If you can afford it, no more “Hey, Alexa — what time is it?”

From the website of Richard Mille, maker of the worlds most extravagant watches: “Hand gestures, perhaps the most expressive form of body language, are used for sign language, certainly, but also to convey meaning beyond words, from the social conventions of greeting – the most common of which is the handshake – to more subtle cues. But the so-called devil’s horn, where the index and pinky fingers are raised as the thumb holds down the ring and middle fingers, has a particularly colorful identity. Heir to centuries of diverse traditions, beliefs and superstitions, the horn has become a cultural, social and even political phenomenon. Today, it symbolizes kinship and inclusion, with a pinch of rebellion and darkness, and a guitar riff screeching in the background.”

“The watch is made of Grade 5 titanium, a bio-compatible, highly corrosion-resistant and remarkably rigid alloy, which enables the gear train to function effortlessly. The alloy is 90% titanium, 6% aluminum and 4% vanadium. (What, no Vibranium?) The RM66 Flying Tourbillon comes fit on a comfortable black rubber strap.” Rubber? Seriously? For the million dollar plus watch, the strap should be made out of leather milled from the regalia of Judas Priest themselves.

While we go back to looking at our phones to see what time it is to rock (answer: always), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worthy of a rock horn salute…

ARTHUR MALEDICTION / February 3, 2023 (VOD)

“Since childhood, Alex has been a big fan of the fantasy film saga Arthur and the Minimoys. So his best friends surprise him with a special present for his 18th birthday — a trip to the abandoned country house where the saga was set. What begins as a weekend adventure, quickly turns into a deadly nightmare.”

Most guys wish for naked girls on their 18th birthday. But hey, if you get turned on by an abandoned country house, it’s your birthday, so go get your kink on.

DEBBIE DOES DEMONS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“300 year old sorceress plans to unleash hell on Earth. When four friends summon Carmilla with a Ouija™ board, it’s up to Debbie to send this witch bitch back where she belongs.”

The title is a spoof on the infamous 1978 pornography movie, Debbie Does Dallas, in which high school cheerleaders use their nakedly charms to raise money to go to Texas to try out for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. They raised the money — and more — but I don’t think they ever got around to finishing their scholarly education.

GRANDMA / Pending release 2023 (VOD)

“A young woman looking for a new beginning inherits a large sum of money and uses it to buy an old bed and breakfast way out in the country, with hopes to renovate and reopen. Unbeknown to the young woman, 20 years ago it was Grandma’s Bed ‘n Breakfast, a popular place for the locals to come and eat. The food was always so delicious, but there were never any tourists around for some reason. After several out of towners came looking for their missing family members, everything pointed back to Grandma. The police found the missing tourists, along with many others, partially eaten in the freezer, but Grandma was never found, now believed to be dead after all these years.”

I liked this better when it was called Motel Hell (1980).

PEGGY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After years of torment, Peggy finally gets revenge on all those who wronged her in the past.”

Where have I heard of this plot before? I know…EVERYWHERE.

Monsters Undressed, Moon UFOs, House Ghost

As promised in a previous bloggedy-blog, here’s more of Canadian designer Phil Postma’s creative art, this time turning the Bride of Frankenstein into a gas station pin-up calendar cutie.

Phil monster-mashed The Bride with Wolf-Man, Dracula, Creature From The Black Lagoon and even her primary care provider, Victor Frankenstein, achieving pant-tingling results. Makes you wish he’d make these billboard-sized or at least a print that could be held up with one hand.

In The Bride of Frankenstein (1935), the reanimated gal throws a hissy-fit when her prearranged pairing with Frankenstein’s monster didn’t go as planned. This scenario gave birth to not only girl Goth, but speed-dating as well.

While we beg Phil to do 100 more monster pin-ups, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not belong in a gas station… 

REBROKEN / March 7, 2023 (VOD)

“Will is a devastated father who spends his time between court-ordered grief counseling drinking himself into oblivion. He repeats the cycle of despair every day with no plans to stop, until he meets a mysterious stranger who gives him some old vinyl recordings. After Will listens to the records, he suddenly starts receiving messages from his recently deceased daughter. As the communications from his daughter grow more and more frequent, Will becomes convinced that these recordings hold the answer to bring his daughter back from the dead.”

If the deceased daughter tours in support of her album, I would like front row tickets.

SECRET SPACE UFOs: APOLLO 1-11 / April, 2023 (VOD)

“The UFO phenomenon has been recorded far beyond the boundaries of Earth with hundreds of sightings during the Apollo missions 1-11. James Fox, Darcy Weir, Mike Bara and Richard Dolan discuss this hidden history of UFOs in space and structures on the Moon. A history of NASA’s early Apollo missions as astronauts endeavor to set foot on the Moon and go further in space than any man has before.”

Of course aliens live on the Moon, as evidenced by the “Stay Off The Lawn” signs intended for trespassing astronauts.

DIVINITY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Set in an otherworldly human existence, scientist Sterling Pierce dedicated his life to the quest for immortality, slowly creating the building blocks of a groundbreaking serum named Divinity. Jaxxon Pierce, his son, now controls and manufactures his father’s once-benevolent dream. Society on this barren planet has been entirely perverted by the supremacy of the drug, whose true origins are shrouded in mystery. Two mysterious brothers arrive with a plan to abduct the mogul, and with the help of a seductive woman named Nikita, they will be set on a path hurtling toward true immortality.”

Never understood the appeal of immortality. Paying never-ending taxes would suck big time.

THE UNDERBUG / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“As India is ravaged by sectarian violence on the eve of its Independence Day, two rioters take refuge in an abandoned house. An eerie presence in the house, however, haunts the men to the edge of sanity.”

Eerie presence is just a fancy term for supernatural squatter. They can all share the house as long as everybody labels their food in the fridge and shares in doing the dishes and taking out the recycling.

Undead Ale, God Powers, Drug Bugs

Just when you think drinking couldn’t get any more fun, Zombeer™, brewed in Russia, is bottled with uniquely clever packaging: a three-layered sticker label that, when scratched, creates a whole new design with alternate zombies. As the sales sheet instructs, “Tear your human casing apart leave human worries behind and become a zombie.” Awesomely awesome. But if I’m drinking beer, that means I already left my human worries behind.

From brewery’s press release: “Zombeer™ is brewed by small Moscow brewery Solod™ in the Belgian style and has a high density and strength. Enjoy a complex taste of malt sweetness with a hint of caramel, chocolate and dried fruits. Fermented in a bottle.” The irony here is, when you drink beer, YOU become fermented.

While I wait for a case of it to be shipped to me (only set me back 34376.07 Rubles), here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not make you feel like scratching your face off…

ISLAND / Out now (Amazon Prime™)

“Evil took its first step to destroy the world. On the mysterious Jeju Island, the gateway to this, Van is a mix of human and monster. Won Mi-ho is the center of fate. And Johan is exercises God’s power. The all come together in this strange, yet captivating, action-packed exorcism fantasy, in which they fight evil, sharing the fate of saving the world — and to defy their own.”

Hard top pick which super power I’d want. Since I’m already a mix tape of human and monster, it’d be cool to be the center of fate, if only to wield as a bar trick. Having God’s power means you get to live in the sky and make people give you money in order to worship you. And you wouldn’t even need a Stargate to get around town. I’ll go with that one.  

BIRDEMIC 3: SEA EAGLE / January 24, 2023 (VOD)

“When global warming triggers chaos along the Northern California coast, two scientific researchers will discover tender romance, appalling CGI, automatic weapons, and attacks by sea eagles that could lead to the extinction of life on Earth.”

There is no place for romance in a world under attack by sea eagles using their beaks of doom to cause global extinction. Quit being love birds and let the grisly gulls bestow an epic party fowl on humanity.

WOMAN OF THE PHOTOGRAPHS / February 7, 2023 (VOD)

“Kai, a solitary and skilled digital photographer, begins a twisted romance with a model suffering from body dysmorphia and obsessed with appearing perfect in her photos.”

Dysmorphia is defined as having mental disorder characterized by the “obsessive idea that some aspect of one’s own body part or appearance is severely flawed and therefore warrants exceptional measures to hide or fix it.” No wonder women buy so much makeup.

SWALLOWED / February 14, 2023 (VOD)

“After a drug run goes bad, two friends must survive a nightmarish ordeal of drugs, bugs and horrific intimacy in this backwoods body-horror thriller.”

Just say no to bugs.

Glow-In-The-Dark Horror, Werewolf Hockey, Witch Religion is Best

If you wanna tap into your inner kid or just goof off on company time, then the Horror Glow-In-The-Dark Coloring book (Thunder Bay Press™) is just the ticket. Illustrated by Juan Calle and Santiago Calle, for $12.03 (Internet price) you get reams of delightful horror scenes to help pass the time until you can clock out for the day. 

From Wal-Mart’s™ website: “These creepy scenes will haunt the room, casting an eerie glow on all who behold their horrors. With 90 bone-chilling illustrations to color — including 24 that glow in the dark — Horror Glow in the Dark Coloring lets you unleash your creativity unlike never before. Graveyard scenes, nightmares, and grotesque mandalas are only a few of the dark themes to be found in this book. Each page is perforated, so you can remove your finished artworks and hang them on your wall.” (buy it here)

While I order one with the full intention to color outside the lines (I live by my own rules, man), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be more scary than a coloring book…

BE MINE / February 10, 2023 (Meta Horizon Worlds/Meta Quest TV)

“The VR experience follows Becca, a college senior who’s going to throw the best Valentine’s Day party ever. There’s just one caveat: everyone invited is secretly there to help Becca catch her Valentine’s Day stalker — an anonymous maniac in a Cupid mask who kills any man that gets close to her with a bow and arrow. But this Valentine’s Day will be slightly different as everyone is ready to turn the tables on the killer that walks among them. With the help of the police, her sorority sisters and the fraternity next door, Becca and the party fight back to stop the carnage and uncover the mysterious secret behind a bloody Valentine’s Day massacre.”

A Cupid mask? Weak. Aspiring maniacs should really do more homework.

MY ANIMAL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Heather, an outcast teenage goalie, longs to play on the hockey team of her small northern town. She meets and falls in love with newcomer Jonny, an alluring but tormented figure skater. The girls’ relationship blossoms despite Heather’s struggles with her alcoholic mother, her hidden sexual orientation, and a familial curse that transforms her into a feral wolf under the full moon. Heather and Jonny’s secret tryst soon clashes against the conformity of their small community, exposing dangerous truths and igniting a passionate, violent night of personal transformation.”

A werewolf playing hockey. And we had a werewolf playing basketball in Teen Wolf (1985). Clearly, lycanthropes dig sports. Bet they’d be really good at dog-sledding.

WAIT FOR IT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Seen from the perspective of survivor girl, Darcy is living in the aftermath of her own encounter with a psycho-slasher killer. She travels home after a night out with friends, always remaining wary of the inevitable return of her tormentor.”

Great — they spoiled the movie by telling us Darcy survives. Hey douche-bags — what am I getting for Christmas?

SORCERY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Chiloé Island, 1880. After her father is murdered by a German colonist, Rosa, a 13-year-old Huilliche girl, renounces her Christian upbringing and seeks shelter with Mateo, the leader of an Indigenous organization that practices witchcraft. Under Mateo’s gruff yet tender tutelage, she learns the art of sorcery and vows to settle the score. Rosa’s vengeance leads to a brutal crackdown by the island’s Chilean Christian authorities and puts her on the path to discovering her dormant powers.”

Renouncing your pray-per-view religion is like cable-canceling your soul. There are better — and cheaper — alternatives out there, many with way more features.

Enchanting Garb, Fruit Cult, Alien Parents

A fairy/faerie in literature, art, European folklore culture and slasher grindhouse horror movies is defined as being a type of mythical being or legendary creature and a form of spirit, often described as being metaphysical, supernatural, or preternatural — with or without a butcher knife and/or chainsaw.

Not surprisingly, many women want to be fairies, a fantasy that started with Disney’s™ Tinker Bell and the Nutcracker’s Sugar Plumb Fairy (who sounds like a drug dealer). This fantasia annually fuels the sale of countless fairy costumes every Halloween. But while most of us are content to augment our wardrobe from Spirit Halloween™, one should look to Pinterest™ for fairy fashion options. 

These exotic and otherworldly gowns (or “dresses”) — suitable for cosplay or fantasy horror movies — can fetch thousands for an ensemble that probably shouldn’t be cleaned in a coin-fed washing machine. Also, you’d have to sell a lot of teeth to the Tooth Fairy to afford one.

So while we drink absinthe (fun fact: “The Green Fairy” is the nickname for absinthe) and fantasize about wearing one of these dresses to a bachelorette party and/or doing some light grocery shopping, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not tinker your bell…

WAKING KARMA / January 26, 2023 (VOD)

“Karma and her mother have spent their lives evading Paul, her cult leader father. With Paul closing in as Karma reaches adulthood, she and her mother flee to a friend’s remote compound. Paul tracks them there and traps them within its walls, putting Karma through a series of escalating tests designed to break her spirit and awaken an unholy inheritance that lives within her.”

So if she misbehaves, do we call her…“Bad Karma”? Heh.

SEEDS / January 31, 2023 (VOD)

Grieving mother Macha must track down her husband Andrew, a university professor who has been invited to a remote area of New England to take part in mysterious cult’s ritual in order to receive an inheritance from his uncle. The cult that worships the mystical and ancient power of the apple has also been infiltrated by the Catholic Church under the command of the very ambitious Cardinal Sinibaldi.”

An apple a day keeps organized religion away.

ONYX THE FORTUITOUS AND THE TALISMAN OF SOULS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Amateur occultist Marcus J. Trillbury — aka Onyx the Fortuitous — is struggling. He’s misunderstood at home and work, but his dreams for a new life seem to be answered when he lands a coveted invitation to the mansion of his idol Bartok the Great for a ritual to raise the spirit of an ancient demon. He excitedly joins Bartok and his fellow eclectic group of devotees as they prepare for the ceremony, but pretty quickly it becomes apparent everything is not as it seems. As Onyx and his new friends fight to keep their souls, he must decide what he’s willing to truly sacrifice in order to meet his destiny.”

Marcus should worry more about getting beat up for having a dumb name than conjuring ancient demons.

ALIENS ABDUCTED MY PARENTS AND NOW I FEEL KINDA LEFT OUT / Release pending 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“Itsy is new in town and her life seems over until she meets her space-obsessed neighbor Calvin, who believes his parents were abducted by aliens. An aspiring journalist, Itsy decides to write an exposé on Calvin but ends up discovering much more.”

Hey kid — your folks weren’t abducted. They abandoned you. Bet you’re feeling really left out now.

Extraterrestrially Inebriated, Social Media Monstrosity, Space Spouse

On July 8, 2023, we celebrate the 76th anniversary of America’s most famous UFO story: The Roswell Incident. That’s when in 1947, rancher W.W. “Mac” Brazel discovered wreckage from an illegally parked flying saucer on his remote ranch just outside of the municipality of Conspiracyville, or “Corona, NM.” (Note to purists: Mac actually found the extraterrestrial debris field on July 6, but his mechanical horse ran out of petrol coming into town to report it.)

Since that time, one billion million UFO sightings have been reported, some even sober. That’s right — according to the National UFO Reporting Center™ (located in Washington State, where I live and see alien spacecraft ALL THE TIME), statistics suggest these reports are made by…drunk people. According to The Economist, “The National UFO Reporting Center receives tens of thousands reported sightings of UFOs, with the majority happening on Fridays, in the West, and during…drinking hours.” (See official-looking graph.)

In an article in The Atlantic, journalist Derek Thompson presents his theories: “Utah, the state with the lowest beer consumption by far, has a higher share of UFO sitings than North Carolina, the state with the highest beer consumption. Washington, the state where you’re most likely to report a UFO, drinks less alcohol than all but six states. It’s plausible that people don’t see UFOs while they’re working or sleeping because they’re working indoors and completely unconscious.”

So while we crack six or more tall boys and stumble outside during prime time UFO viewing hours and submit our Happy Hour sightings at the top of our lungs to the NURC™, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-movies that may or may not be made better by drinking…

MEAN SPIRITED February 27, 2023 (VOD)

“After receiving an invitation to his estranged friend’s mountain cottage, a wannabe vlogger aims to bury the hatchet with their now-celebrity friend who isn’t quite himself anymore.”

Social Media Horror [ soh-shuhl mee-dee-uh hawr-er ] / noun, stu·pid·er, stu·pid·est. Tediously dull, especially due to lack of meaning or sense; inane; pointless; annoying or irritating.

STATIC CODES / June 1, 2023 (VOD)

“A man’s wife was abducted by aliens 10 years ago during a car accident which left him paralyzed from the waist down. Given up on life, he has become consumed with only one mission: finding his wife.”

Why?

THE HOUSE AMONG TREES / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A hybrid of modern crime fiction and classic horror story, The House Among The Trees follows three low-level burglars who accidentally uncover a small town’s dark secrets after breaking into a secluded house.”

All small towns have dark secrets, some darker than others. For instance, the dark secret in my small town is…ME.

THE GRANDMOTHER / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Susana must leave her life working as a model in Paris and return home to Madrid after she learns that her grandmother Pilar — who raised her as her own after her parents died — has had a cerebral hemorrhage. Upon returning home, Susana attempts to find a long-term caretaker for Pilar, but what should be just a few days ends up becoming a genuine nightmare after Susana notices Pilar start to act strangely.”

If I needed a caregiver, I’d want it to be a Parisian supermodel. That would make me hemorrhage…but not in the cerebellum.