Ape Kings, Vacation Snakes, Social Demons

This is way better than that Christmas thing — Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes is in the works for a 2024 release. This makes my banana tingle, what with being a PoA fan since my birth in a dense jungle.

Here’s what is known thus far: “The story takes place after the events of War for the Planet of the Apes (2017), and continues to follow Caesar’s legacy.”

Caesar, if you were inexcusably unaware, is the first ape to talk, and subsequently, talk back. He’s the guy who organized a revolt against presumably tick-free humans in 1972’s Conquest for the Planet of the Apes and made household pets out of them. (Shortly thereafter, there was a run on bigger litter boxes.)

The Planet of the Apes universe started with La Planète des singes, a 1963 book by French guy, Pierre Boulle. To this day, no one knows how to pronounce his last name. What followed were nine movies, a cartoon and live action TV series, as well as a planet of comics, books, video games, toys and swag. King Kong was bitch-ass jealous.

While we throw feces around waiting for this movie to get made (in solidarity with zoo monkeys who fling their poo because zoos won’t give ’em a ball to play with), here are a few upcoming horror movies/sci-fi that may or be compared to an extra-large litter box…

DEINFLUENCER / October 1, 2022 (Digital/VOD)

“Kelly wakes up to find that she is being held hostage by a masked kidnapper and needs to complete a series of social media challenges to ensure her safety.”

The social media challenges are necessary: Cancel your Facebook™, Instagram™, Twitter™ and Tik-Tok™ accounts, quit taking fish-lip selfies and posting ‘em for other fish-lips to see, and trade your smart phone for a freakin’ life. 

PYTHON ISLAND / October 4, 2022 (DVD)

“In a village where snake-catching is the livelihood of most of the local populace, a magical tree grew. Because of the tree’s benevolence, it saved one small snake from the villagers and named it “Little Flower.”

“Many years later, Xiaoshu has become a biological researcher, exploring the secrets of genes. Unfortunately, his colleagues with ulterior motives use the power of the magical tree to break into a forbidden area by ​​the snake-catching village: the island where intruders are eaten alive. The island is filled with moisture and weirdness, and it seems there are eyes everywhere; staring at every move made by intruders.”

“Filled with moisture and weirdness.” Are they making fun of me? This movie was released in China in 2021 under the title, Behemoth Anaconda. I once saw a porn movie with the same name. Didn’t have any magic trees in it, but it did have quite a stump.

DON’T F–CK IN THE WOODS 2 / October 11, 2022 (Digital)

Follows Don’t F–ck In The Woods (2016). The counsellors at Pine Hills Summer Camp are getting the grounds ready for the upcoming summer season. A mysterious girl shows up, weak and scared from a previous encounter with a vicious creature that killed all her friends. Little do they know that something followed her to the camp and things are about to get slimy and bloody.”

Misleading title. I fell for it the first time. Not this time.

RISE OF THE BEAST / December 6, 2022 (Digital/VOD)

“A group of activists break into a corporate facility they know unsolicited animal testing has been taking place. They discover unimaginable horrors but don’t realize until they’re captured the true extent of what it is they’ve been experimenting with. In a race against time to survive, they must escape friend, foe, and a mutated ape if they mean to get out alive and expose this to the world.”

You don’t wanna monkey around with a mutated ape. Vegan or not, those things will eat your face off. 

Vampire Shirts, Florida Bigfoot, Giant Chicks

Interview With The Vampire, based on the 1976 horror Goth literary bible by author Anne Rice, premiered November 1994. It had handsome, albeit emotionally turbulent vampires, frilly shirts, deep throating, and — get this — even MORE frilly shirts, MORE vampires and MORE deep throating. It’s like a frilly shirt with extra frills.

Now AMC has rebooted the immortal story into a series and its already been renewed for a second season — ahead of the first season’s debut on October 2, 2022. Unlike vampires, this doesn’t suck and means we’re likely in for one heck of a fang bang.

The original movie’s plot: “A vampire tells his epic life story of love, betrayal, loneliness, and hunger.” 

Boo-hoo. Why do Emo vampires always feel sorry for themselves? How about some cheese to go with that whine? Heck, vampires get to live forever, barring confrontations with churchifixes, medium-rare stakes and bothersome Vitamin D-enriched daylight. They can shape-shift (handy when your first choice restroom is occupied and your bladder is about to go Defcon #1), party all night and sleep all day, and never have to go to the dentist (vampires prefer overbites to braces).

While we’re trying to picture a vampire with Invisline™, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have frilly shirts in ’em…

THE WILD MAN / September 30, 2022 (Digital)

“Young women have been going missing in Ochopee, FL without a single suspect in custody. Sara, a young journalist, convinces her crew to join her investigation as she travels to Ochopee to document her discoveries, but they soon realize their presence in town is not welcome. What they discover is a secret deeper than fairy tales and legends — it’s much darker and more sinister than bargained for.”

What could be darker and more sinister than naming your town ‘Ochopee’? Geez, how do you even pronounce it? I think I got the “pee” part right, though. I usually do.

MYSTERY SPOT / October 7, 2022 (Digital/VOD)

“A number of lost souls find refuge in a small motel in the middle of nowhere, its only distinguishing characteristic being the ruins of an old Mystery Spot — a long-dead roadside attraction with strange metaphysical powers. Everyone at the Mystery Spot will be affected by its unique properties, but only some will survive its reality-shattering implications.”

I should like to visit this Mystery Spot so as to be imbued with unique properties. The ones I currently have aren’t pulling their weight. Indestructible liver, my ass.

SPIRIT HALLOWEEN: THE MOVIE / October 11, 2022 (VOD)

“When a Spirit Halloween™ store opens in a deserted strip mall, three middle school friends who think they’ve outgrown trick or treating make a dare to spend the night locked inside the store Halloween night. But they soon find out that the store is haunted by an angry evil spirit who has possessed the creepy animatronic characters. The kids will need to embark on a thrilling and spooky adventure in order to survive the night and avoid becoming possessed themselves.”

So a Halloween movie about the real-life Halloween pop-up superstore with socially-arrogant kids locked in it. You might wanna ask permission from Chopping Mall (1986) if it’d be okay to steal their plot.

GIANTESS BATTLE ATTACK / October 2022 (Full Moon Features Channel/Amazon Prime Video)

“Beverly Wood is one of the biggest stars on social media. Millions of fans subscribe to her sexy cam shows and buy her products and it seems like everyone loves her. Everyone that is except her husband and Fuschia, the young upstart who secretly plots to bring Beverly down and take over her online empire forever!”

“But when Beverly’s latest — and untested — brand ‘Unholy Meat-rimony’ gives her some gargantuan side effects, she becomes an even BIGGER force to be reckoned with! Ballooning to beastly proportions, the now 50 foot tall influencer becomes super large, totally in charge and ready for revenge in this wacky comedy that’s positively bursting at the seams!”

Never understood why women who grow into giants (i.e., Attack of the 50-foot Woman/1958) have their clothes grow as well. It’s just not fair, dang it.

Musical Ghosts, Horrible Harlequins, Toxic Trains

Ever see a poltergeist blowing a bassoon or honking on a tuba? Now you can as Schirmer Theatrical is screening Ghostbusters, the 1984 mega-hit /pop culture-altering movie, along with a live orchestra doing the scarily intricate soundtrack. 

Ghostbusters in Concert will be touring throughout the month of October, rolling into backwater towns like Chicago, Nashville, Reno, Columbus, Fresno, and more. (Really wish they’d play the Tug Tavern as I could easily hitchhike there — only two blocks from my place.)

From Schirmer Theatrical: “Experience Ivan Reitman’s two-time Oscar and two-time Golden Globe-nominated film, screened live as an orchestra performs Elmer Bernstein’s Grammy-nominated score and Ray Parker Jr.’s Billboard Hot 100 chart-topping theme song, “Ghostbusters.”

The ear worm “Ghostbusters” title song is synonymous with the billion-dollar Ghostbusters franchise and was written by Ray Parker Jr. It landed at Number One on the Billboard Hot 100 on August 11, 1984. Don’t know how many copies it sold, but an educated guessing puts it close to 2.5 billion million.

On a tabloid side note, the song was at the center of a lawsuit, wherein Huey Lewis sued Ray Parker Jr. for plagiarism, alleging he had copied the melody (primarily the bass-line) from Lewis’ 1983 song “I Want a New Drug”. Wikipedia™: “The case was settled out of court in 1985 for an undisclosed sum and a confidentiality agreement that prohibited discussing the case. Parker later sued Lewis for breaching the confidentiality agreement in a 2001 episode of VH1’s Behind the Music, by reasserting Parker, Jr. stole the song. Regarding his case against Lewis, Parker said, “I got a lot of money out of that.” Snap!

So while you rush to bust some tickets and/or confidentiality agreements (CLICK THIS), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worthy of a Huey Lewis soundtrack… 

TERRIFIER 2 / October 6, 2022

“After mutilating sole survivor Victoria Heyes and committing suicide upon police confrontation, Art the Clown is resurrected by a sinister being a year later and begins a hunt two unsuspecting siblings in the Miles County area on Halloween night.”

A killer clown commits suicide. Wouldn’t that be “circuscision”? Heh. The first Terrifier movie came out in 2016. Quite a wait for a sequel no one wanted. Okay, that was just plain mean. Sorry — didn’t get much sleep last night; Kept dreaming about cliched clown slashers.

SLASH/BACK / October 21, 2022 (Limited theaters, Digital HD, VOD/Shudder™)

“In a sleepy hamlet nestled in the majestic mountains of Baffin Island in the Arctic Ocean, a village wakes up to a typical summer day…and 24-hour sunlight. But for Maika and her friends, the usual summer is suddenly not in the cards when they discover an alien invasion threatening their hometown.”

Aliens really need to learn Earth’s geography. A more accessible invading choice would be the Tug Tavern hamlet, nestled among majestic sticker bushes in the sleepy village of West Seattle. 

WHITE NOISE / November 25, 2022 (Limited) / December 30, 2022 (Netflix)

Jack Gladney, college professor, husband and father to four children/stepchildren, is torn asunder by an airborne toxic event, a cataclysmic train accident that casts chemical waste over his town.”

You don’t need a train accident to get an airborne toxic event. Stand behind someone who just ate The Pig Bomber Burrito™.

THE OUTWATERS / TBD 2023 (Limited)(Screambox)

“Four travelers encounter menacing phenomena while camping in a remote stretch of the Mojave Desert.”

Why — and more importantly how — does one camp in a remote part of the “no 7-Eleven™/nothing-but-dirt” Mojave Desert? More to the point, where do you do your dirty business? Among the desert’s previously pristine sand dunes? There’s your real menacing phenomena.

New Werewolves, Old Vampires, Born Again Creeps

Lycanthropy fans can now legally bark at the moon — both the one in space and the one in the back of your pants. The film version of Werewolf By Night, based on Marvel’s 1972 comic book (nothing comic about it, though), premiers October 7, 2022 on Disney+™.

Before we shave the 5 o’clock shadow on this groundbreaking comic series, Disney+™ personally called (sorta) to tell me about the plot: “A secret group of monster hunters gather at Bloodstone Castle following the death of their leader and engage in a mysterious and deadly competition for a powerful relic, which will bring them face to face with a dangerous monster.”

So cool and so overdue. But even in its genesis, Werewolf By Night had a tough leg to chew on. Wikipedia™: “Prior to the formation of the Comics Code Authority in 1954, Marvel’s predecessor Atlas Comics published a five-page short story titled “Werewolf by Night!” in Marvel Tales #116 (July 1953). With the relaxation of the Comics Code Authority’s rules in 1971, it became possible for the first time to publish code-approved comic books with werewolves.”

Werewolf By Night comics were published from 1972 through 1977, 43 original issues in all. (Cool trivia: Issue #3/1975 features the first appearance of the Moon Knight, a new series also on Disney+™.) Yeah, there were a number of one-off specials and cameos in other comics, and they even tried to reboot Werewolf BN in Marvel Comics Presents, where he (Jack Russell, his hairless otherself) appeared irregularly from 1991 to 1993.

More cool trivia: Werewolf By Night stars Laura Donnelly, who plays the kick ass Amalia True in Joss Whedon’s The Nevers (2021), a period piece supernatural fantasy series on HBO Max™. 

So while you’re waiting for the moon — the one in space and the one in the back of your pants — to rise and shine on the premier, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have you yelling at lunar-esque surfaces…

THE MUNSTERS / September 27, 2022 (Netflix)

“A prequel to the original 1964 TV series, the film chronicles the meeting and eventual marriage of Herman and Lily Munster in Transylvania, despite the protestations of her disapproving father.” 

Pat Priest, who played Marilyn Munster in The Munsters (1964) has a cameo. Elvira (secret identity: Casandra Peterson) also appears, but not as Elvira. Hope they don’t have her wearing a button-up shirt.

JEEPERS CREEPERS: REBORN / October 4, 2022 (Out now in Germany, Russia)

“Forced to travel with her boyfriend, Laine begins to experience premonitions associated with the urban myth of The Creeper. She believes that something supernatural has been summoned — and that she is at the center of it all.”

Glad they’re trying to make up for the steaming heap that was Jeepers Creepers 3 (2017). That one was so bad, all the actors lined up to voluntarily offer themselves to the movie’s cannibalistic Creeper.

NEXT EXIT / November 4, 2022 (VOD)

“When a research scientist makes national news proving she can track people into the afterlife, Rose sees a way out and Teddy sees his chance to finally make it. These two strangers, both harboring dark secrets, race to join the doctor’s contentious study and leave this life behind. While Rose is haunted by a ghostly presence that she can’t outrun, Teddy is forced to confront his past. As these two misfits humorously quarrel their way across the country, they meet people along the way who force them to reckon with what is really driving them.”

Next Exit stars Rose McIver and Rahul Kohli, both of whom starred together in the wildly fun/funny iZombie TV series (2015 – 2019). Rose, a fully functioning zombie, ate recipe-enhanced brains (think HelloFresh™ for the undead) in every episode. I don’t think anyone’s eating think loaf in this one, though. Sad.

SUBSPECIES V: BLOOD RISE / Pending 2023/2024

“Spanning 500 years in the life of the vampire, Subspecies V chronicles Radu Vladislas’ descent from a noble warrior for the Church to a depraved creature of the night. Stolen by crusaders on the night of his birth, he has no knowledge of his bloodline: his mother a demon, his father a vampire.

Trained and exploited by a brotherhood of mystic monks to slay all enemies of the church, fate brings him back one night to the castle of his father, armed with the monster-slaying Sword of Laertes, to destroy the vampire Vladislas and reclaim a holy relic: the Bloodstone. The events of that night turn Radu from a noble man into a vampire with no master, setting him on a centuries-long quest for sustenance, for companionship, for the treacherous one who stole him from the sun, and for the Bloodstone he hopes will bring him peace.”

Radu sucks on the Bloodstone as if it were a refillable 7-Eleven™ Hemoglobin Slurpee®. He’s been at this game for a while: Subspecies (1991), Bloodstone: Subspecies 2 (1993), Bloodlust: Subspecies 3 (1994), Vampire Journals (1997), Subspecies 4: Bloodstorm (1998). This means he’s either a real vampire or very good at his job. Thinkin’ both. 

Scary Real Estate, Revenge Trees, Honey Horror

Pant-wetting fans of Stranger Things have a chance to own one of the rarest pieces of memorabilia from the massively popular horror series: the actual house the beleaguered Byers family lived in while their zip code was being plagued by a stinky Demogorgon from the Upside-Down. Feel free to wet your pants now.

For mere bus change, the Byers house at 149 Coastline Rd, Fayetteville, GA, lists on Zillow™ for $300,000. As you already know, it has two bedrooms, 1 bath and is 1,846 sqft. This includes the six Demogorgon-infested acres the house sits on. Affordable, but here’s hoping you don’t get…upside down…on the mortgage payments. Heh.

Even though the place could use some upgrades, like a pool that Barbara Holland could go swimming in (okay, THAT was funny), it’s a “Byers market” (I’m on a roll), and it can be yours by clicking HERE.

While you’re getting pre-approved for a home loan, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be worth $300,000…

HAUNTED TRAIL / September 27, 2022 (VOD)

“A group of college friends visit a local haunted trail. After many screams and a few nervous laughs, an actual killer approaches the group. Scared out of their minds, the friends run through the trail, trying their best to get to the end without being killed. After much of the group is slaughtered, the remaining friends make a horrific discovery about who the killer really is.”

Generic college kids. Generic masked slasher. Generic extra-large knife. (Made, ironically, for slicing bologna/baloney). I think they downloaded the script from cookiecutter.com.

FEED ME / October 27, 2022 (VOD)

“Following the death of his wife, a broken man spirals into an abyss of night tremors and depression and finds himself in the home of a deranged cannibal who convinces him to take his own life in the most horrific way imaginable.”

Wonder what taking his life in the most horrific way imaginable means? Given the movie’s title, it can only be one thing — he has to eat kale.

THE KILLING TREE / November 1, 2022 (VOD / DVD)

“On Christmas Eve, a scorned widow casts an ancient spell to resurrect her executed husband. However, when the spell goes wrong, the husband is brought back as an evil Christmas tree. Hell-bent on getting revenge on the one who caused his execution, the body count keeps rising as the Tree hunts her down.”

Resurrected as a Christmas tree. That’s a new one. A snowman or Elf on a Shelf, sure. But this one suggests they don’t care about winning an Academy Award™. (It’s like they’re not even trying.) But hey, at least he’ll come back with ornamental balls. Ahem.

WINNIE-THE-POOH: BLOOD AND HONEY / Pending release 2022

“During his childhood, Christopher Robin befriended Winnie-the-Pooh, Piglet, and their friends, playing games and also providing them with food. As he got older, his visits grew more infrequent, as did the food supply, causing Pooh and the others to grow increasingly hungry and desperate.

When Christopher went to college, the visits stopped completely, causing Pooh and Piglet to become completely feral and unhinged, resulting in Eeyore and the others getting killed and eaten at some point. Now, Christopher has returned to the forest alongside his new wife, hoping to introduce her to his old friends. Feeling betrayed, this results in them going on a murderous rampage for human flesh as they antagonize a group of university girls who are occupying a rural cabin.”

Beloved childhood characters are now the new hot properties for horror filmmakers/directors bereft of ideas. Example: The Banana Splits Movie (2019), turning the previously lovable Fleegle, Bingo, Drooper and Snorky into axe murdering murderers.

Before you pooh-pooh this idea, hear me out: Saturday morning kids show icon H.R. Pufnstuff (given his last name, maybe the “HR” stands for “Huge Refer”) could be revamped as a drug dealer, selling jazz cabbage and turning his cult followers into day-glo colored hippie zombies. Note to Hollywood — I’ll be pitching a comprehensive one-page script as soon as I finish watching Heckle and Jeckle: A Murder of Crows.

Pizza Face, Hallucinogenic Worms, Murder Bears

In what is one of the most ingenious Halloween promotional gimmicks in recent memory, Tombstone™ pizza (coolest name ever for the most popular food in any cemetery) is giving away a FREE T-pie to anyone living on an Elm Street, as a direct tie-in to Freddy Krueger’s favorite cul-de-sac (A Nightmare on Elm Street in case it slipped your mind). And hey — with his iconic oven-baked features, Sir Krueger’s face looks so much like a pizza, it should come with extra toppings.)

As first detailed by Bloody-Disgusting.com: “Tombstone™ is rewarding those brave enough to live on a real-life Elm Street with a chance to win FREE pizza this Halloween season (more than 5,000 across the country).”

Do this: From Oct. 3rd – 31st, Elm Street residents can enter online for a chance to win free Tombstone™ pizza.

What You’ll Win: Free Tombstone™ pizza awarded while supplies last. One lucky Elm Street resident will be selected at random to win free pizza for a year. The contest begins on October 3rd, 2022 and you’ll find it RIGHT HERE.

While I get some spray paint and write “Elm” on my street sign, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not look as appetizing as a Tombstone™ pizza — or Freddy’s face…

PROJECT LEGION October 7, 2022 (Limited) October 11, 2022 (VOD)

“Feral creatures that prey on humans have descended upon the city. A furious fight for survival begins as the outside world descends into chaos and a former Marine, barricaded inside his apartment, prepares to come out fighting.”

Feral creatures preying on humans. Again. Why can’t they prey on microwaved 7-Eleven™ Truckstopper Burritos? Wouldn’t need a Marine to stop ’em after choking down one of those things.

KRATT / October 11, 2022 (VOD)

“Children are left at Grandma’s without smartphones. Real life seems boring, working feels hard. Luckily they find instructions for Kratt — a magical creature from old Estonian mythology who will do whatever its master says. All they have to do now is buy a soul from the Devil. Life stops being boring in a bloody way.”

Retail price of a Devil-owned soul: $6.66. Low hanging fruit. Too easy. I feel somewhat ashamed. Somewhat.

SHADY GROVE / October 25, 2022 (VOD)

“A young couple, Shaina and Mark, attend a music festival with their best friend Elijah on their annual pilgrimage away from their work-heavy city lives. They find a beautiful cabin on a vacation rental app. Everything is perfect except the faint smell of death, only to discover they’re being hunted by figures wearing skinned animal masks.”

Scare BnB — heh. Curious as to what skinned animals were used to make the masks. A free-range donkey? A murder bear? Black Phillip? All of those would spook the rent right outta me. P.S. The smell of death is very similar to asparagus farts.

ALL JACKED UP AND FULL OF WORMS / November 8, 2022 (Screambox)

“Working at a seedy motel, maintenance man Roscoe is always searching for his latest fix. When he stumbles upon a powerfully hallucinogenic worm, his days of dime-store drugs are over. Along with his new love interest, the pair embark on a delirious odyssey of sex, violence, and becoming one with the dirt.”

Hands down the best movie title of the year. I was sold right there, but then they hit me with “powerfully hallucinogenic worm” and “delirious odyssey of sex, violence,” and “becoming one with the dirt.” Looks like someone found my Christmas wish list.

Exploding Heads, Lake Kaijus, Witch Sweaters

Scanners is an 1981 Canadian science-fiction horror movie made infamous by graphically exploding heads. I approve of that sentence. Now, four decades later, it’s being turned into a series on HBO™ (Head Blow Up — heh). One question — why the swear word did it take this long?

The original plot: “A scientist trains a man with an advanced telepathic ability called ‘scanning’, to stop a dangerous Scanner with extraordinary psychic powers from waging war against non scanners.”

In a direct nod to Scanners, on Season Two and Three of The Boys (on Amazon Prime™ — why aren’t you watching it now?), has a Supe (super-powered individual) merely willing functioning skulls — and whatever they’re connected to — ka-boom like lasagna-filled balloons.

A Scanners series is in the works now, which means it’ll be awhile (guessing a week or so sometime next year) before we get to see it. In the meantime, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not make you crave a steaming paper plate of noggin lasagna…

THE LAKE / Pending release US 2022/2023 / Out now in Thailand

“A mysterious monster rises from the Mekong River, attacked Bueng Kan and cuts off people from the outside world. Officials, including Chinese scientists who came to conduct research in Thailand, mobilize to catch this crazy monster before it’s too late.”

The movie is in Thai. Thailand is home to 71 living languages. That means 71 different ways to order Singha, a soapy but not-without-its-charms green bottle beer. That said, you actually don’t need to understand the dialogue as the crazy monster is freakin’ cool. And, if you haven’t heard, that freakin’ thing is exclamation point crazy. Watch the trailer on YouTube™ if you don’t believe my crazy wordles.

CROC! / October 4, 2022 (VOD)

“Lisa and her family unite at a wedding venue, excited for the big day. However, unknown to the family, a nest of hungry crocodiles has been living in the nearby lake. As the crocodiles crash the wedding in a blood thirsty massacre, the remaining family members must survive the night against these Jurassic beasts.”

In an ironic twist of fate, all the ‘til-death-do-us-part guests taste like a screaming wedding cake. Ingredients: butter, sugar, eggs and legs.

DON’T LOOK AT THE DEMON / October 7, 2022 / Limited

“Led by a troubled medium, an American television crew of paranormal investigators go to the home of a couple who claim to have experienced inexplicable, threatening disturbances. Delving into the mystery, they encounter possessions and apparitions more terrifying than any they’d witnessed before — actual contact with the other side. As the cameras roll and bodies are possessed, they’re inevitably overwhelmed by this violent supernatural force.”

Sounds like last call at The Tug Tavern, the violent supernatural force not attributed to sweet/refreshing beer, but rather those $1.00 freshness-expired pickled eggs in that fingerprint smeared jar behind the bar next to light bulb-heated cashews (also $1.00). Stomach-churning, and yet patrons are drawn to ’em as if caught in a paranormal vortex. This NEVER ends well.

TWO WITCHES / Pending release 2022

“A pregnant woman is convinced she has been cursed by a witch, while another woman, with violent impulses, hopes to inherit her great-grandmother’s powers. Two generations of witches and the dire consequences for those who cross their path.”

Sounds like we’re in store for an epic witch-slap. I wish I could’ve inherited powers from my great-grandmother. All I got was a sweater.

Pre-Teen Vampires, Evil Again, Alternate Worlds

Vampire fans will be thrilled to the jugular that Let The Right One In, the stunning 2008 Hall of Fame vamp classic, is now a series on Showtime™, premiering October 7, 2022. You’ll have to hit up Dracula for his password — or pay subscribe — to watch it. Here’s the series’ premise…

“Mark and his daughter Eleanor’s lives were changed forever 10 years earlier when she was turned into a vampire. Seemingly frozen in time at the age of 12, Eleanor has lived a closed-in life, able to go out only at night, while her father does his best to provide her with the human blood she needs to stay alive. Now they’ve returned home to New York City, desperate to find a cure.”

I’m in, especially after watching the trailer, which teases additional vampires sucking up some action. And looking forward to seeing Demián Bichir as the dad. He was power-mad Apex CEO Walter Simmons in Godzilla vs Kong (2021). Too bad Mecha-Godzilla permanently laid him off. (Oh, crap — that was a spoiler; sorry to anyone reading this who hasn’t seen GvK. On that note, why haven’t you seen GvK? What is wrong with you?)

Until you can figure out how to skate around Let The Right One In series without coughing up a coin purse-squeezing $10.99 a month (with 7-day free trial), here are a few upcoming horror movies that you may or may not let in…

DEVIL’S WORKSHOP / September 20, 2022 VOD

Struggling actor Clayton is desperate for a role as a demonologist. He contacts Eliza, an expert in devil lore, to help him prepare and spends the weekend at her home. Eliza forces Clayton to confront his troubling past, perform dark rituals, and sacrifice a goat. Does she want to help Clayton, seduce him — or destroy him? The shocking climax will set your soul ablaze.”

A couple ’o things: Aren’t all struggling actors desperate and have troubling pasts? Aren’t all chicks experts in devil lore and goat sacrifice? Has any horror movie’s “shocking” climax ever set your soul ablaze? Not seeing a reason to waste valuable horizontal couch time on this one.

AMONG THE LIVING / October 4, 2022 (VOD) November 8, 2022 (Blu-ray)

“Stranded in the countryside in the aftermath of a deadly outbreak, older brother Harry fights to protect his younger sister, Lily, while he desperately searches to find refuge with their father. Harry and Lily are determined to survive their journey as they strive to avoid an infected population with a thirst for blood as well as the greater threat of other survivors.”

Why is it in every zombie movie people embark on a journey with the undead just waiting for the restaurant to open? Why not hole up in the nearest Motel 6™, raid the mini bar and crank the tunes until the Apocalypse is over? And as if it needs to be said a’loud, is this not the same plot as 99% of all zombie movies ever made in the history of the Multiverse?

SATANIC HISPANICS / Release pending 2022/2023

“When police raid a house in El Paso, they find it full of dead Latinos  — and only one survivor. He’s known as The Traveler. When they take him to the station for questioning, he tells them those lands are full of magic and talks about the horrors he’s encountered in his long time on this earth, about portals to other worlds, mythical creatures, demons, and the undead.”

Before you call Satanic Hispanics title blatantly racist, know that this anthology was made by five different Latino filmmakers. Conversely, if this horror omnibus was made by Republicans…

SINPHONY: A CLUBHOUSE HORROR ANTHOLOGY / October 21, 2022 (VOD)

“SINPHONY’s shocking stories include an innkeeper’s growing concern about his secretive new guests; a contractor who inhales mold spores that lead to murder; a couple confronting the fact that one of them is a ghost; a witch protecting her child from a killer; a dance craze that has dire consequences, and much more.”

They had me up until “dance craze with dire consequences.” ALL dance crazes have dire consequences. Case in point — where did all those “Macarena” idiots end up? Stick to the timeless “Chicken Dance” and you’ll be fine.

Killer Beer, Fat Shaming Horror, Pond Monster

Chucky: A Killer Wit Beer™, a limited brew based on Chucky, the skull/wise-cracking serial killer doll made icon status in Child’s Play (1988), is now available for quaffing purposes.

From the press release: “Just like the devious doll it’s inspired by, this pumpkin witbier with cranberry will be your friend ’til the very end. Saturated with blood-red cranberry juice and entangled with pumpkin mangled into a puree, the beer is light in color with spine-chilling flavors of chamomile and cinnamon – the perfect combination of everything you love about the season.”

“Chucky: A Killer Wit Beer is a limited release and collaborative beer between Elysian™, USA Network™ and SYFY™, brewed in celebration of all things Halloween, horror and Season 2 of Chucky, a continuation of the iconic film franchise chronicling the murderous escapades of the notorious killer doll.”

Beer that tastes like pumpkin, cranberry, chamomile and cinnamon? Shouldn’t this be sold at a Nordstrom™ perfume and deodorant kiosk? While you contemplate sucking down a case or two or making scented candles out of it, here are a few horror movies that may or may not be an affront to your palate…   

NIX / September 27, 2022 (VOD)

While Jack Coyle struggles to keep his shattered family together, a strange and powerful entity reveals itself again, opening the wounds for another tragedy to occur. As Jack deals with the consequences, he also must protect his young niece from this frightening creature, which threatens to destroy everyone.

They really need to put more effort into naming powerful entities/frightening creatures. “Nix” sounds like a stain-remover. But if they’re stuck with that moniker, how about a modifier, like Metaverse Nix, Ranch-Flavored Nix or simply, Nix Extreme?   

V/H/S/99 / October 20, 2022 / Shudder™ 

“A thirsty teenager’s home video leads to a series of horrifying revelations.”

Um, what exactly is a “thirsty teenager”? Thirsty for what? Certainly not Smart Water™ as no amount of A.I. added to expensive tap water could do anything to improve any teen’s cognitive abilities. What’s left — Fanta Piña Colada™? Pibb Xtra™? Coca-Cola Cinnamon™? (Actually, while it’s seriously unhealthy for you, Coca-Cola Cinnamon™ ain’t half bad, which is why I only drank half the case I bought on Amazon.com. Saving the other half for tomorrow.) 

As for the movie, all I know is that it’s part of the VHS horror franchise (V/H/S (2012), V/H/S 2 (2013), V/H/S Viral (2014), SiREN (2016), V/H/S 94 (2021). I guess that could make you thirsty for more.

PIGGY / October 14, 2022 (VOD)

“Sara is a teenager in a rural Spanish village who is constantly tormented by ‘the popular girls’, including her former best friend, because of her body type. One day at the local pool she witnesses her bullies violently kidnapped by a mysterious stranger. Sara, who normally feels unable to express herself to both her family and neighbors, suddenly faces a moral dilemma as she must decide between saving her tormentors from a bloody end or giving into the desire for revenge.”

Revenge. The answer is ALWAYS revenge. 

CURSE OF CROM: THE LEGEND OF HALLOWEEN / Release pending 2022/2023

“High school teenagers accidentally unleash an ancient Irish entity on their hometown and must stop it before midnight on Halloween.”

Spoiler: The Irish entity they speak of is the Lucky Charms™ Leprechaun. Or maybe that guy on all those Irish Spring™ soap commercials. Pure f’n evil.

Raising New Hell, Horror Livestreamed, Devil Stuff

The must-have Halloween mask this year is Stranger Thing’s Vecna, the cosmetically-challenged super scary mean guy from the Upside-Down. (How does he keep from spilling his cocktails in there?) The rubber headpiece sells for $42.99 (minus tax offering), but it comes in classic Vecna, Blue Vecna and Short Vecna (no neck, just head). It’s made of Latex™, which means it’ll feel like a condom stretched over your face. Eeeew!

No full body costume, either, so you’ll have to dehydrate yourself to the point where your ribs are sticking out (okay, don’t do that) and grow your own tentacles.

While you’re not doing that, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not leave you bone-dry…

HELLRAISER / October 7, 2022 / Hulu™

“A young woman struggling with addiction comes into possession of an ancient puzzle box, unaware that its purpose is to summon the Cenobites, a group of sadistic supernatural beings from another dimension.”

An updating of one of the greatest romance movies of all time. This go-around, the icon Pinhead is being portrayed by a female. (So, do we call her “Hairpinhead?” Heh.) All comedy gold aside, a refreshing spin on Clive Barker’s rent-payer. 

DEADSTREAM / October 6, 2022 / Shudder™

“A disgraced internet personality attempts to win back his followers by livestreaming one night alone in a haunted house. But when he accidentally pisses off a vengeful spirit, his big comeback event becomes a real-time fight for his life.”

I do live-streaming, too, but mostly in my bathroom. Mostly. Interesting plot that combines a classic horror scenario contemporized with one of those ubiquitous social media morons. If he dies (and he better), you’re invited to livestream all over his grave.

PREY FOR THE DEVIL / October 28, 2022 / Theaters

“In response to a global rise in demonic possessions, the Catholic Church reopens exorcism schools to train priests in the Rite of Exorcism. On this spiritual battlefield, an unlikely warrior rises: a young nun, Sister Ann. Although nuns are forbidden to perform exorcisms, a professor recognizes Sister Ann’s gifts and agrees to train her. Thrust onto the spiritual frontline with fellow student Father Dante, Sister Ann finds herself in a battle for the soul of a young girl (who Sister Ann believes is possessed by the same demon that tormented her own mother years ago), and soon realizes the Devil has her right where he wants her…and it wants in.”

This sounds exactly like the Sister Anne from the MC5’s 1971 proto-metal song of the same name — and the lyrics match the movie’s plot: “She’s got a heart of gold / Gonna save a bitch’s soul / From goin’ down Satan’s hot way…” Man, those guys were way out in front of the trad jazz Catholic Church.

GRIMCUTTY / October 10, 2022 / Hulu™

“A scary internet meme called “Grimcutty” stirs up panic amongst all the parents in town, convinced it’s making their kids harm themselves and others. When a real-life version of Grimcutty starts attacking teen Asha Chaudry, her parents believe that she’s cutting herself as part of a challenge. With her phone taken away and no one who believes her, Asha has to figure out how to get through to her parents and stop the Grimcutty once and for all.”

How Emo. Reminds me of the old joke, “If my lawn was Emo, it’d cut itself.” That’s still a real pant-filler. My advice to Asha is to quit wasting time on her parents — and listening to Dashboard Confessional.

TERMINATOR VS PREDATOR / Unknown

“A Terminator from the future gets in to-the-death bitchslap with one ‘o those super mean Predator guys.”

I made up that plot, but what else could it be? Calling bull-dookey on this one as it smacks of fan-made, albeit, very cool fan-made. Thanks for making me waste time chasing this down, whoever did it.