Spider-Man, Bloody Vampires, Demonic Nuns

Seriously considering about not going to movie theaters anymore and just renting new flicks on Fandangonow.com for a mere $4.99. Sure, I won’t get to see the latest flicks the second they come out, but dango, movie theater tickets/popcorn/soda/hot dogs are getting to be about the price of a steak dinner with a cloth napkin.

Then there are the obnoxious theater goers who continue to talk during the movie and/or use their cellphones. The death penalty would be too lenient for these jerks. So yeah, I can save a bunch of money, not get stressed out and horizontally lay on my couch and watch movies. Very uncomfortable, rude and probably CDC unhygienic to lay down on movie theater seats.

Speaking of movies I’ll probably not see in the theaters (and a few not at all), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi/fantasy movies for your horizontal viewing pleasure…

SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING (July 7, 2017)
“Thrilled by his experience with the Avengers, young Peter Parker returns home to live with his Aunt May. Under the watchful eye of mentor Tony Stark, Parker starts to embrace his newfound identity as Spider-Man. He also tries to return to his normal daily routine — distracted by thoughts of proving himself to be more than just a friendly neighborhood superhero. Peter must soon put his powers to the test when the evil Vulture emerges to threaten everything that he holds dear.”

Is it just me or is the new Spider-Man movie taking a direct marketing lead from Deadpool (2016)? Makes sense as they both wear similar masks. Deadpool, though, shoots guns; Spider-Man just webs his pants. Heh. Don’t get my solid gold attempts at humor mislead you; I can’t wait for Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017). The trailers are kick asinine and Spidey’s an old comic book fav. That’s were I learned to read and webbed in my own pants. Yeesh — I hope that was webbing.

SUPER DARK TIMES (October 3, 2017)
“Teenagers Zach and Josh have been best friends their whole lives. But when a gruesome accident leads to a cover-up, the secret drives a wedge between them and propels them down a rabbit hole of escalating paranoia and violence.

The title sounds like something a teenager would say. Wonder what the gruesome accident is? A zit-popping contest gone wrong? The cinnamon challenge? Planking over a shark-filled pool? Doing the mannequin challenge on a train track? You can never tell with idiot teenagers.

BLOOD DYNASTY (October 31, 2017)
“Blood Dynasty is the third in “Irina” vampire film cycle, that began with 2012’s award winning Blood for Irina and continued in 2014’s Queen of Blood. The character of Irina – inspired in part by Lina Romay’s character in Franco’s Female Vampire (1975) — is once more reborn, rising from the sea to bring madness and bloodlust to a lonely young woman living in a decaying motel.”

Queen of Blood seems to be the go-to phrase these days, what with the new Hell Boy movie using it as well. As for Female Vampire, there’s some pretty bold undressedness in that one. You’ve been warned.

JUMANJI — WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE (December 20, 2017)
“Four high school kids discover an old video game console and are drawn into the game’s jungle setting, literally becoming the adult avatars they chose. What they discover is that you don’t just play Jumanji — you must survive it. To beat the game and return to the real world, they’ll have to go on the most dangerous adventure of their lives, discover what Alan Parrish left 20 years ago, and change the way they think about themselves — or they’ll be stuck in the game forever.”

Oddly, I never saw the original Jumanji, released back in 1995. Looked too goofy to me. And to keep the goof factor in place for the remake, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson — is the lead, along with the always hilarious Jack Black. I think Dwayne’s in every movie coming out these days. Seems like he is. As a movie star he’s good. But as a former WWE superstar, he was king of the ring.

THE NUN (September 7, 2018)
“When a young nun at a cloistered abbey in Romania takes her own life, a priest with a haunted past and a novitiate on the threshold of her final vows are sent by the Vatican to investigate. Together they uncover the order’s unholy secret. Risking not only their lives but their faith and their very souls, they confront a malevolent force in the form of the same demonic nun that first terrorized audiences in The Conjuring 2, as the abbey becomes a horrific battleground between the living and the damned.”

For your own sanity’s sake, The Nun probably should not be confused with The Nun from 2005. (Same named horror movies give me tummy achings.) So this is the scary nun from The Conjuring (2013), like that movie’s “possessed” doll Annabelle, also getting her back story spin-off. With seven Conjuring and planned tie-in movies based its characters, I figured that particular cow was milked dry after the formulaic The Conjuring 2 (2016).

Steel Monsters, Dying As Art, Hell Boys & Girls

I’ve come to the unassailable conclusion that laying on the couch (in any direction) should be recognized as a form of exercise. And like working out, are you not tired after seven hours of laying there watching monster movies? Same as exercise. I rest my case.

Speaking of things that are lazy, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies (or “films”) that may or may not had  some sort of effort put into with the title or the plot…

HANK BOYD IS DEAD (June 27, 2017)
“Struggling actress/caterer Sarah Walsh is left alone to tend to the post-funeral gathering for Hank Boyd, a quiet loner who stood accused of a horrific crime. She knew Hank in high school and finds it hard to believe that he could do anything terrible. However, her opinion begins to change after she meets Hank’s brother David as the family’s secrets are exposed and the bodies pile up. If she hopes to survive and all because…Hank Boyd is dead.”

Sounds more like a CW™ mini series than a movie. Boring title, which indicates “meh” across the board. And before you start e-yelling at me for prejudging, I have watched “horror” movies almost exactly like this for years and decided to move on to more entertaining ventures, like street corner begging and dumpster diving.

UNIVERSAL CLASSIC MONSTERS (September 12, 2017/Best Buy)
“Seven classic Universal™ monster movies are getting the steelbook treatment, each featuring stunning black & white art by Alex Ross. The following films will be part of the collection: The Wolf Man (1941), The Invisible Man (1933), Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954), The Mummy (1932), Dracula (1931), Bride of Frankenstein (1935) and Frankenstein (1931).

Gotta hand it to Universal for finding new ways to re-package the same seven monster movies they built their empire on nearly 90 years ago. This time they’re putting the classic horror movies in steel boxes, not unlike what you would put a peanut butter sandwich in to nosh on during recess.

This is not a new concept; World Market™, purveyors of over-priced wicker couches, has been selling Frankenstein and Bride of Frankenstein metal hors devours trays every Halloween for years. I have the whole set. Still don’t know what “hors devours” are (sounds like a cannibal hooker). But licensed and over-priced trays are handy to put snacks on. Not crackers, though; those dang things slide right off onto your shag carpet, where crumbs are nearly impossible to get out.

FLESH OF THE VOID ( 2017/2018)
“Flesh of the Void is an extreme experimental horror feature, visualizing what it could feel like if the act of dying was a truly horrible experience. Shot extensively on Super 8 and 16mm, it is intended as a disjointed, surreal trip through the deepest and most violent fears of the human condition, depicting its subject in a radical, grotesque and raw manner, refusing to shy away from societal taboos.”

Pfffft — I go through the act of dying every time the bartender yells, “Last call!” Do like the premise, though, as I pretty much assumed kicking the bucket was a black (or white) affair. Black is where you go if you have unresolved anti-Bible skeletons in your closet. Or some ratty farm with Black Phillip landlording the place. I have no reference to the white end game. Maybe a Seattle beach during one of the three days it actually sunshines up here and everybody comes out of their caves with nearly translucent and sickly skin.

HELLBOY: RISE OF THE BLOOD QUEEN (in production/2018)
“This franchise reboot is reportedly aiming for an R-rating and a horror movie style. In the Hellboy comics, the ‘Queen of Blood’ is a powerful British witch, also known as The Lady of the Lake.”

Lady of the Lake. Wasn’t that the name of a tepid M. Night Shyamalan movie back in 2006? And wasn’t in a condo swimming pool as opposed to a lake? I would’ve changed the movie’s title, too; Lady in the Swimming Pool just doesn’t have enough zing. But I digress — happy to see Hellboy being re-booted. Now if they could just do the same thing with Plastic Man…

Demonic Possession, Foreign Weather, Avocados

Watching a bunch of haunted house documentaries on YouTube™. Loving the footage of alleged paranormal activity. Every time I pick up a camera, all I get are blurry pics of UFOs and Bigfoot. No photos of ghosts, though as I’m not too keen on wandering around houses that are reputed to be haunted. I hear there are poltergeists in a lot of ‘em. And that pretty much goons me out.

Speaking of not-so-scary things, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not make your vision go blurry…

AMERICAN GUINEA PIG: THE SONG OF SOLOMON (pending crowd-funding)
Mary witnesses the brutal suicide of her father. His death unleashes the savage forces of demonic possession in her. The End of Days is upon the world, famine, drought, looting and chaos is ripping the world apart and the Catholic Church is trying to save an innocent soul from the ravages of satanic possession. Wave after wave of holy men are sent to confront the possessed. The Song of Solomon’s true nature is to unleash an evil the world has been waiting for since the beginning of time.”

And to think all Mary’s father had to do to keep all this from happening was to call the Suicide Hotline. (And for those considering the chickensh*t way out, you might wanna make the call: 1-800-273-8255.) That aside, I do like the line, “Wave after wave of holy men are sent to confront the possessed.” Sounds like security at a Liverpool vs. Manchester United football match.

LAKE OF SHADOWS: THE LEGEND OF AVOCADO LAKE (pending crowd-funding)
“Three aspiring filmmakers venture to a mysterious lake resort to uncover a story on a local legend. As they get closer to the truth, the danger follows. Before they know it they are thrust into a fight for their lives and the truth about Avocado Lake. Based on true cases.”

Yes, avocados are true. I’ve seen them. They look like alien dinosaur eggs filled with some sort of green mush. As for the legend in the lake, it’s not a spoiler to tell you it’s a man-eating monster fish. If you didn’t already know that, like a five day old avocado, you’ve just been spoiled.

THE RAIN (2018/Netflix)
“Set after a devastating biological catastrophe, the world as we know it has ended. Six years after a brutal virus wiped out almost all humans in Scandinavia, two siblings join a group of young survivors set out to find out whether a new world has begun somewhere else.”

A new foreign (Danish) horror series by movie streaming giant, Netflix™. For another really good horror series from a different country than the one I’m being over-taxed in, try The Returned (2015). It’s French, sub-titled and très bien.

HOUSEWIFE (2018)
“Holly’s mother murdered her sister and father when she was seven. 20 years later and slowly losing her grip on the difference between reality and nightmares, she runs into a celebrity psychic who claims that he is destined to help her.”

I went to a psychic once. After handing her $20, she divined there would be a need for me to drink a beer in the near future. That I was drinking a beer at the time while fuming over losing the crazy cool Troll doll at the carnival’s ring toss, had nothing to do with it. I believed her and mere minutes later, I was drinking YET ANOTHER beer. Uncanny, true and thus money well spent. P.S. Screw you, rigged ring toss.

King Kong, Godzilla, Dinosaur Floaties

Been following the development of the remake of King Kong vs. Godzilla (the first ppv match-up — aka “The Gorilla in Manila” — went down in 1962.) No pun intended, but there’s a HUGE logistic the filmmakers need to deal with: King Kong was 100 feet tall in Kong: Skull Island (2017), the biggest he’s ever been. However, in 2016’s Shin Godzilla (aka, Godzilla: Resurgence), the king of monsters shook, rattled and rolled skyscrapers at 387 feet. You see where I’m going with this.

So by pitting Kong against Godzilla in 2020 (projected), they’re either going to have to make the monkey four times his current stature, or shrink Godzilla down 287 feet. As science tells us, you don’t/can’t/shouldn’t make Godzilla smaller. (In King Kong vs. Godzilla they were both about the same height: 164 feet tall, give or take a few chimneys.)

A few unsolicited options: #1: Make four Kongs and stack ’em. #2: Have Godzilla stuck halfway down some sort of quicksand pit or really deep hot tub. #3: Monkey foot-shaped platform shoes. I could keep this up all day.

Speaking of glaring discrepancies, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that’ll either make sense or they won’t…

BONEJANGLES (July 18, 2017)
“While transporting the legendary serial killer Bonejangles to an asylum, a group of police officers break down in a town cursed with demonic zombies. The only way they can survive the night and save the town is to release Bonejangles to help them fight the curse, with something much worse.”

Not to be confused with the Bonejangles from 2005’s Corpse Bride (He sang/sings at the Ball and Socket Pub.) Hard, though, to take a serial killer who names himself Bonejangles seriously. Come back to me with something like Knifey McCutter and we’ll talk.

SUSPIRIA (2017/2018)
“Susie Bannion, a young American woman, travels to the prestigious Markos Tanz Company in Berlin in 1977, arriving just as one of its members, Patricia, has disappeared under mysterious circumstances. As Susie makes extraordinary progress under the guidance of Madame Blanc, the Company’s revolutionary artistic director, she befriends another dancer, Sara, who shares her suspicions that the Matrons, and the Company itself, may be harboring a dark and menacing secret.”

Yep, YET ANOTHER remake, the first one making its same name back in 1977. It was Italian, so if you plan on watching it, plan on reading it as well. Unless you’re Italian. If so, go nuts.

MAB (2017)
“Rosie and her mother, Kris struggle to make ends meet. Their only source of income comes from the daily delivery Rosie makes to the mysterious Mab. But what are these deliveries and what impact will this have on their lives of those around them? A magical realism short that uncovers the sacrifices people make to take control of their lives and the evil that lurks in the darkness of desperation.”

A smattering of research reveals that Mab is one of the moons of Uranus and/or a fairy in Shakespeare’s play Romeo and Juliet. Or it could mean “multi-armed bandit.” (A reference to a criminal octopus, perhaps?) However you cast it, this one’s gonna be a rough sell to Mab Darogan, a figure of Welsh legend.

JURASSIC WORLD – FALLEN KINGDOM (June 22, 2018)
“With all of the wonder, adventure and thrills synonymous with one of the most popular and successful franchises in cinema history, this all-new motion-picture event sees the return of favorite characters and dinosaurs along with new breeds more awe-inspiring and terrifying than ever before.”

The first official poster for the Flintstones of the Future. So yeah, more unleashed dinosaurs. Have to say, I did like the Mosasaurus, that badass swimming pool dinosaur in Jurassic World (2015). The pool rules were simple: you cannonball in and you don’t cannonball out.

UFO Anniversary

It was 70 years ago to this minute/day/month that (probably near-sighted) business man/amateur light plane pilot Kenneth Arnorld witnessed what he surmised to be nine flying discs (later deemed “flying saucers” by a newspaper reporter, NOT Kenneth himself), zipping around the snow-cover Mount Rainier in Washington State back on June 24, 1947. This gave birth to UFOs and countless sci-fi movies, documentaries, books/rubber novelty widgets — some true, some false — about the “alien” aircraft. He should’ve copyrighted this stuff; he’d have died rich in 1984 rather than just dying regularly.

What my exhaustive research tells me (my finger is so sore from clicking around the Internet), Mr. Arnold did NOT see flying saucers, but rather happened across the Yeti Annual Shiny Hubcap Hucking Competition held every June on Mount Rainier. (For the record, Rainier is infested with the surprisingly competitive Yeti. Don’t bother double-checking; I already did it for you. You’re welcome.)

But that doesn’t mean UFOs are fake. Quite the contrary; it means that we can rule out that particular event as an extrapolated mistaken identity. All other UFOs are real, though. Even the well-polished ones.

So, Happy Birthday Flying Saucers/Shiny Hubcaps — keep ’em flying.

Capes, Wooden Horror, Godzilla’s Frenemies

The new Justice League (releasing November, 2017) movie key art shows Superman, who “died” in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016), standing with the team of superheroes Batman assembled to fight what looks to be human-esque dragonflys with glow-y eyes. Wonder how they brought him back from the dead? Maybe brined his corpse in yellow sun juice or something.

This is all cool ‘n stuff, but I’m looking forward to seeing the new Aqua Man and another chance to see Wonder Woman clearing the dance floor. (If you haven’t seen the new WW movie, what the double heck is wrong with you?)

Speaking of, here’s some upcoming new horror/sci-fi to anticipate as if unwrapping a thoughtful gift from, say, 7-Eleven™…

GODZILLA: KING OF MONSTERS (March 22, 2019)
“The new story follows the heroic efforts of the crypto-zoological agency Monarch as its members face off against a battery of god-sized monsters, including the mighty Godzilla, who collides with Mothra, Rodan, and his ultimate nemesis, the three-headed King Ghidorah. When these ancient super-species — thought to be mere myths — rise again, they all vie for supremacy, leaving humanity’s very existence hanging in the balance.”

The sound you just heard was me screaming giddily. (F-you to my upstairs neighbor — you make way more noise than me.) The above info was actually teased right to your face if you sat through the end credits of Kong: Skull Island (2017), which showed petroglyphs (rock art) of Mothra, Rodan and King Ghidorah gettin’ their Godzilla game faces on.

Don’t get me wrong — I loved the MUTOs (Massive Unidentified Terrestrial Organisms) in the 2014 Godzilla movie. Heck they got more screen time than Godzilla himself, which gave the Internet external hemorrhoids. But to have three classic kaiju that first locked it up with G in 1964’s Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah, is nothing short of Christmas times a billion. And I say that without hyperbole.

THE EVIL IN US (July 4, 2017 (DVD)(Walmart)/August 29, 2017 (VOD)(DVD)
“While on a fourth of July holiday, six best friends fall victim to the insidious plan of a terrorist organization when they unknowingly take a bio-active drug that transforms them into bloodthirsty cannibals.”

Bloodthirsty cannibals or…ZOMBIES? A rose by any other name. I bet the bio-active drug was an energy drink purchased at a convenient store not unlike a certain 7-Eleven™.

ANNABELLE CREATION (August 11, 2017)
“A dollmaker and his wife who, 20 years after the tragic death of their little girl, welcome a nun and several girls from a shuttered orphanage into their home. Soon, however, the nun and the girls become the target of the dollmaker’s possessed creation, Annabelle.”

Ugh — I was hoping to avoid writing about this one again (Had to update the poster as I’m often compelled to do.) More puppet horror, which, from what the Internet is e-saying, is the start of a franchise. This was already done with the 13 Puppet Master movies, which began way back in 1989. But if Hollywood can make a quick buck, then Hollywood will.

JIGSAW (October 28, 2017)
“Bodies are turning up around the city, each having met a uniquely gruesome demise. As the investigation proceeds, evidence points to one man: John Kramer. But how can this be? The man known as Jigsaw has been dead for over a decade. Or has an apprentice picked up the mantle of Jigsaw, perhaps even someone inside the investigation?”

This is more gleeful news — taking off where the brutal yet wickedly entertaining Saw franchise ended in 2010 (seven movies plus one film short). I i-burped this before, but the Saw movies combined is one of the most successful franchises in movie history. You can win bar bets with that bit ‘o information. And I have.

FREDHEADS (2017/2018)
“FredHeads is a documentary about the fandom of A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) and how it has changed the lives of so many people. The documentary will follow three fans as they tell their story and what their journey in the Nightmare community has been; some as fans, others rising through popularity. Along the way, we will be filming at conventions and getting as many fan stories as possible to feature as many fans as we can in the documentary.”

Awesome — a nice tribute to Wes Craven and his horror masterpiece. As they are filming fans at conventions, this could legally pave the way for my co-star credit along side of Freddy Krueger. Prior to this, I was just Photoshopping myself next to Freddy on all his movie posters. (In one we even appear to be BFFs.)

Godzilla vs. Science Mumbo Jumbo

A recent (as of June 17, 2017) article written by Dan Zinski on Screenrant.com had famed (and darned entertaining) celebrity scientist Neil deGrasse Tyson explaining why the existence of Godzilla is scientifically impossible. And yet we have over 50 movies featuring Godzilla stomping all over science. Why would movies lie to us?

Dr. Tyson goes on to say that “Godzilla could never exist outside of a fictional universe because the laws of physics simply would not allow for it. Essentially, a lizard-like being as huge as Godzilla would be too heavy for his limbs and would collapse under his own weight.”

Did he just call Godzilla fat?

“As you get bigger,” he says, “your weight goes up according to your column. But the strength of your limbs goes up only according to your cross-sectional area — so it’s a matter of area versus volume.”

“Godzilla would collapse under his own weight into a puddle of guts. It’s why heavy animals have thicker legs. So you can’t just scale up an insect and make them big.”

Try telling that to those bus-sized grasshoppers in The Beginning of the End (1957). But I’m skeptical over his cross-sectional statement because, depending on the species, a mere ant can lift 10 to 50 times its own weight. Scale ‘em up to 7-Eleven™ size as in Them! (1954) and the physics go out the window.

But Dr. Tyson’s argument flames the fans a bit more: “It completely negates half the horror movies of the 1950s…”

Perhaps. But Dr. Tyson does allow for a loophole that allows the Godzilla movies to get away with having a giant lizard who, in reality, would not be able to support his own weight. And this clause is radiation.

From the article: “Godzilla was awakened by radiation and given super-powers. Like Spider-Man, Godzilla was altered on a sub-atomic level and is now capable of doing things that he should not be able to do, like stomp on buildings, breathe fire and withstand endless attacks with missiles, bombs and all the other weapons humanity can concoct.”

Swish— nothin’ but net! So yes, Godzilla can exist outside of a fictional universe. Now we can all calm down. Watch Shin Gidzilla (2016) with its annoying sub-titles, and marvel over nature’s miracle as it squashes us like we’ve been doing to ants for millenia.

P.S. The Megalodon shark — PROVEN by fossils — grew up to 60 — 75 feet long. Where’s your science argument now, lab coat?

Nightclub Zombies, Overweight Sharks, Toilet Paper-less Apes

Ahhh — nearing vacation time, the few days out of the year I get to lay around and watch horror movies around the clock — but in a different city! It somehow makes the movies more exciting.

Speaking of exciting, here are some upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that’ll be thrilling or not — in any city…

IBIZA UNDEAD (available now (UK)(DVD) releasing 2017/2018 (US)
“Three best friends —Alex, Az and Jim — head to Ibiza for their first lad’s holiday. Unfortunately for them, tagging along is Alex’s unimpressed ex-girlfriend Ellie. Arriving in Ibiza, the lads dump Ellie with Alex’s sister Liz, and her friend Zara, and head to San Antonio to start their week of debauchery. Soon they end up in a San Antonio club, run by local gangster Karl, where the attractions aren’t all alive — in fact they’re zombies! Due to Jim’s antics, the zombies escape, and soon all hell breaks loose and no one on the party island is safe.”

Karl’s a gangster? The heck you say. I knew he owned zombies, but geez, he breaks the law? That’s the last time I go to his club. Hey Karl — your bathrooms smell like rotting flesh! (To be fair, most San Antonio bars smell like decomposed skin suits.)

MEG (August 18, 2018)
A deep-sea submersible — part of an international undersea observation program — has been attacked by a massive creature previously thought to be extinct, and now lies disabled at the bottom of the deepest trench in the Pacific — with its crew trapped inside. With time running out, expert deep sea rescue diver Jonas Taylor is recruited by a visionary Chinese oceanographer, against the wishes of his daughter Suyin, to save the crew — and the ocean itself — from this unstoppable threat: a pre-historic 75-foot-long shark known as the Megalodon.”

The biggest shark currently polluting our oceans is the Whale Shark, tipping the fish scales at 41,000 pounds (or “lbs”). That it doesn’t eat swimmers/surfers/spring breakers means its a toothless vegan Democrat.

But at 75 feet long and probably one billion pounds in weight, the Megalodon makes the Whale Shark look like one of those freshness-expired goldfish you win at the Puyallup Fair for throwing ping pong balls at bowling pins. Wonder what Mega-Shark (2009) thinks about the new Carcharodon carcharias on the block?

THE STRANGERS 2 (2018)
“A family’s road trip takes a turn when they arrive at a secluded mobile home park and after the power goes out they decide to hunker down for the night in a borrowed trailer. Under the cover of darkness, three familiar masked psychopaths pay them a visit to test their every limit.”

Aside from a different locale, The Strangers 2 doesn’t even try to expand on the one-note plot of The Strangers (2008), wherein a small group of killers stalk and then stab two people alone in a house. (So much for calling it a “living” room.) They should just title this movie, Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

WAR FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES (July 14, 2017)/GODZILLA: MONSTER PLANET (November 2017)
Yes, I’ve already e-barfed about both these movies prior. But these are NEW POSTERS people. That’s gotta stand for something. As the 10 billion people (give or take) who regularly read this blog know, I’m a lollipop-wrapped sucker for movie art. I blame this on my early-age diet of comic books and undiagnosed illiteracy.

In War for the Planet of the Apes, armies of monkeys fling poo at their human adversaries. (Don’t get it in your eyes, fellas.) In Godzilla: Monster Planet (anime), Godzilla “marks his territory” over the entire world. Advice: buy wading boots that go up to your neck. And don’t let any get in your eyes.

Italian Reanimator, Repeatable Stabbing, El Rey TV

Just discovered the Robert Rodriquez El Rey™ TV channel is no longer available through Sling TV™. Thinkin’ this isn’t a big loss as El Rey has been subjecting us to increasingly lazy programming and is nowhere near the grindhouse/bullets & brawlers/cult horror channel it promised to be. Example: El Rey keeps falling back on endless re-runs (with endless commercials) of bland stuff like V, Miami Vice, Air Wolf and Night Rider to be the channel’s meatloaf filler. And their Creature Feature Fridays? Intentional b-grade fare — like we all haven’t seen Gremlins (1984).

Best to stream channels like Shudder, Midnight Pulp and/or FrightPix (warning — LOTS of commercials that lock up on you) for your horror/sci-fi/grindhouse needs.

Speaking of which, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi you may or may not need. (Who are we kidding — we need horror all the time to escape from the horrors of reality.)

HAPPY DEATH DAY (October 13, 2017)
“A college student who relives the day of her murder with both its unexceptional details and terrifying end until she discovers her killer’s identity.”

Yeah, you’re probably thinking the horror version of 1993’s Groundhog’s Day (but with less stink gophers). But it sounds more like “Monday,” that riveting The X-Files episode (1999) in which a girl has to relive her loser boyfriend’s bank robbery attempt, ending in ka-BOOM! over and over. (Note to money selfie: Do NOT go into banks frequented by criminals dressed in dynamite, however stylish of the times.)

HERBERT WEST: REANIMATOR (2017)
“West is destroyed by a huge loss and he wants to defeat death in order to have his beloved ones back. It’s just a different perspective but with the same result: lots of experiments with lost of failures and lots of reanimated and very aggressive corpses.”

Like Cheetos™/pork rinds in the cupboard, a few points of interest: First, this is the Italian take on Re-Animator, which came out over three decades ago. Secondly — and this is from the director: “Herbert West: Reanimator is a modular project. We start with a web series, them we’ll have a TV series and at the end of the journey we’ll have a feature film.” You had me at Cheetos™.

DESOLATION (2017)
“A mother takes her son and her best friend on a trip into remote wilderness to scatter his father’s ashes; they must confront their fears when a lone hiker begins following them.”

So a lone hiker is shadowing mom and company while they go to kick dad in the ash hole? The filmmakers might be intentionally trying to mislead us; what if the lone hiker is merely a park ranger with a dust pan? I’ve said it before — a clean forest is a happy forest.

WHO’S WATCHING OLIVER (2017/2018)
“A mentally unstable loner is lost in a life forced upon him. By night Oliver aimlessly wanders the streets and bars on what can only be described as a truly shocking and humiliating killing spree. His only savior and possible way out of a life he is desperate to escape comes in the form of the beautiful Sophia with her sweet eccentricity and naivety to the danger she has put herself in.”

Not sure how this is even a movie. Doesn’t this stuff happen in real life all the time? Why pay to see it — just hang out with mentally unstable loners in dive bars and dark streets. I’ll meet you there.

Hockey Zombies, Death Seekers, Booger Monsters

Been watching a series of cryptid videos on YouTube™, the latest being The Alabama Booger Monster, that “smells like foul garbage and a wet dog.” I really wish I had made that up, but someone got to the creature’s naming rights before me. Way before. 1930s when it was first sighted according to the TRUTHFUL documentary. A bit before my time. I might have been busy not being born yet.

So what inspired his name? I’m thinking something involving an unblown nose, strange honking noises in the night and crusty “specimens” embedded in tree trunks and unsuspecting campers tents.

Speaking of, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth picking at…

BLOOD HUNTERS (July 4, 2017/VOD/DVD)
“A single mother who wakes up in the basement of a medical facility only to discover that everyone around her is dead and she is somehow nine months pregnant. As she struggles to escape, she encounters other survivors, each with their own secret. Together they must unlock the mysteries of the facility, which will take them to the brink of death and beyond.”

Somehow nine months pregnant. Four words I’m glad I’ll never have to say. Sounds like The Cube (1997) but with more placenta.

FLATLINERS (September 29, 2017)
“Five medical students, hoping to gain insight into the mystery of what lies beyond the confines of life, embark on a daring and dangerous experiment. By stopping their hearts for short periods of time, each triggers a near-death experience. As the investigation becomes more and more perilous, they are forced to confront the sins of their pasts, as well as contend with the paranormal consequences of trespassing to the other side.”

Warning bells: This is a remake of the movie with the SAME EXACT TITLE from 1990. So yeah, medical students “kill” themselves bring themselves back with crash-cart paddles, returning to life with answers from beyond the grave. I miss the days where all one had to do to unlock the secrets of the afterlife was to take peyote, take off your pants and listen to The Doors.

BLACK CREEK (2017)
“Mike and Heather’s father die and they go to his favorite spot to spread his ashes. A cabin in the secluded woods. They are joined by some friends as they go for what is supposed to be somewhat of a holiday. While there, a demon emits chaos by possessing the teens and they commit horrible acts. Welcome to Black Creek. The hunting season has begun.”

A chaos emitting demon. Sounds like someone ate at Zippy Burgers and had a little digestive event horizon. And as for possessing the teens and influencing them to commit horrible acts, seems like an oxymoron.

AHOCKALYPSE (2017/2018)
“The Prairie Kings hockey team fight for the league championship and for their lives all in one night.”

A hockey team versus the skating dead? Yep, we have officially run out of ideas for horror movies. Gives a whole new meaning to personal foul, though.