Archive for Sharks

Extreme Aliens, Extreme Demons, Extreme Tacos

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 18, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Quiet Hour

Uncovered a whole steaming pile of obscure, indie Bigfoot movies, the goal being to watch every single one of ‘em. Hope they don’t make BF out to be a killer of campers, roasting their flesh on a stick over a roaring outdoor fire. Oh wait…

While you’re waiting for me to profile ‘em, here’s some upcoming horror to help pass the time…

THE QUIET HOUR (March 21, 2017)
“Sarah must protect her blind brother and farm. Meanwhile, aliens are harvesting the planet for resources. When a mysterious soldier comes to her door, she must decide if she can let him in or not. Is he another bandit? With few survivors to turn to, Sarah must make a difficult choice to ensure her family’s survival.”

So exactly what are Earth’s resources aliens are always coming here to harvest? I’m guessing our bit coins, tacos and Internet porn. Extraterrestrials could easily do that without infringing on our taco/porn civil rights.

Raised By Wolves

RAISED BY WOLVES (March 28, 2017)
“When a group of extreme skaters go searching for an empty pool rumored to be behind an abandoned house in the barren desert, they learn they should not have ignored the rumors that the house is haunted by a demonic presence and a dark history of occultism. What follows is a terrifying tale of evil possession causing the friends to slowly turn against each other.”

So extreme skaters go up against extreme evil. Sounds incredibly dumb. This, coming from a guy who watches stuff like Shark Exorcist (2015).

Blood Feast

BLOOD FEAST (April 28, 2017 / Limited)
Fuad Ramses and his family have moved from the United States to France, where they run an American diner. Since business is not going too well, Fuad also works night shifts in a museum of ancient Egyptian culture. During these long, lonely nights he is repeatedly drawn to a statue representing the seductive ancient goddess, Ishtar. He becomes more and more allured by the goddess as she speaks to him in visions. Eventually he succumbs to her deadly charms.

After this pivotal night, Fuad begins a new life, in which murder and cannibalism become his daily bread. He starts to prepare a ritual FEAST to honor his new mistress, a lavish affair dripping with BLOOD, organs, and intestines of human victims. As butchered bodies are heaped upon the Altar of Ishtar, Fuad slowly slips further into madness, until he is no more than the goddess’s puppet; and she thirsts for the blood of Fuad’s wife and daughter, too.”

Early reviews are calling this remake “Nothing so appalling in the annals of horror since the original…” Sounds like last call at The Poggie Tavern. Gory beyond the standards of the time, Blood Feast (1963) was the first splatter movie and broke hard ground in explicit gore and goosh, raising the bar on pretty much all the graphic horror that’s since followed. That’s probably significant in some form or fashion.

Death Ward 13

DEATH WARD 13 (2018)
“It’s 1973 and the Stephens Sanitarium for the Criminally Insane prepares to shut down permanently. Days before closing, four beautiful nursing students arrive to care for the last handful of ‘harmless’ mental patients in a suspiciously understaffed ward.”

“Confronted by their violent charges, the nurses soon realize that they are trapped inside the asylum with a deadly crew of vicious lunatics. Each patient has their own perverse identity, their own personal demons and their own violent agenda. Pushed to the brink of insanity, the young nurses find themselves in a gruesome fight for survival inside Ward 13.”

Four Spring Break-grade young nurses vs. vicious lunatics. I’m in. This, coming from a guy who just re-watched The Disco Exorcist (2011).

Demon Clowns, Amphibious Monsters, Hippie Bongs

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 23, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Evil Bong: 666

Looking into Lotto™ strategies to become financially self-sustained so I can watch horror/sci-fi movies as my “day job” without ever having to put pants on to make a living. Any tips, lucky numbers or insider info would be much appreciated.

Here’s four upcoming new ones headed my/your way. Pants not required.

EVIL BONG: 666 (April 20, 2017)
“When a brutal blood sacrifice opens a portal to Hell, Eebee and The Gingerdead Man are returned to Earth. But his trip to Hell has driven Gingerdead even more insane, and unless someone can stop his murderous cookie-cuttin’ rampage he’s gonna ruin Eebee’s plans for world domination. In a last-minute fit of inspiration Eebee channels her inner Dr. Frankenstein and creates The Gingerweed Man! A tiny, cobbled together monster made from the greatest strains of weed on earth, this little killer is ready to get high with a little help from his friends!”

Not a fan of stoner horror because the only way to enjoy it is to be stoned. I prefer a nice carafe of Budweiser™ or a snifter of paint thinner hooch to augment my horror movie experiences. P.S. Don’t do drugs.

Clowntergeist

CLOWNTERGEIST (2017)
“Emma, a college student with a crippling fear of clowns, must come face to face with her worst fear when an evil spirit in the body of a clown is summoned, terrorizing the town she calls home. One by one Emma and her friends receive a balloon with the exact time and date of when it will appear to kill them written on it. After receiving her balloon, Emma realizes that she has two days left to live, and must fight against the clock to find a way to survive.”

Makes sense that a demon-possessed clown would use balloons to get his point across. Personally, I’d go with one of those cool, honking squeezy horns. That tends to get people’s attention, especially in restrooms. And they just sound so funny.

Cold Skin

COLD SKIN (2017)
“On the edge of the Antarctic Circle a ship approaches a desolate island far from all shipping lanes. On board is a young man, on his way to assume the post of weather observer, to live in solitude at the end of the earth. But on shore he finds no trace of the man whom he has been sent to replace, just a deranged castaway who has witnessed a horror he refuses to name. The young man will soon realize that with each night comes an army of humanoid killer amphibians.”

This one sounds cool. But it does beg the question of why humanoid killer amphibians would seek out a meager food source at the ends of the Earth when we have so many all-you-can-eat beach buffets around here. Just ask any shark — surfers are basically crunchy seals.

Demon Hole

DEMON HOLE (2017)
“A fracking crew drills on sacred Native American land unleashing an ancient demon. Six teens have to serve community service in the remote forest where the demon is lurking. They find themselves trapped in a realm of illusions with plenty of marijuana, an abandoned cabin, dark caves, endless woods, and temptation. There are only two ways out of these woods — succumb to the demon or die.”

Note to ancient demon: Please don’t let those fracking teens out of the woods. And if you need more, we’ll ship ‘em to you, no charge. Just like having an Amazon Prime™ account.

Sharks Can Be So Cruel

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 15, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cruel Jaws

Just because you have the proper noun Jaws in your movie title doesn’t make it part of the Jaws (1975) family. Nor does reusing dialogue, plot and swiping footage from the Jaws series (as well as Great White/1981 and Deep Blood/1989) qualify as an actual movie. More like cut ‘n paste plagiarism. The only thing cool about Cruel Jaws (1995/aka, Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws and The Beast), which is guilty by a jury of its peers of the above crimes against humanity, is its title. Everything else is just regurgitated bait.

Cruel Jaws

A territorial 35-foot great white shark, thought to be the by-product of military fussing, is attacking and eating the flavorful folks in Hampton Bay, an affordable (at the time) small Florida coastal town. There’s an upcoming Regatta (a sporting event consisting of a series of boat or yacht races) party, and the marauding shark could chomp into their profits. The local sheriff and a teen shark expert (“Sharks swim, eat and make baby sharks…”, a line directly lifted from Jaws) go on the hunt for the “readily available on a moment’s notice” monster. The plan is to kill it. There’s the cruel part.

Cruel Jaws

To bring an emotional element into the mix, they feature a little girl in a wheel chair. “Daddy — give that shark a punch in the nose for me…” That is SO cute. Then there’s a rich kid on a yacht with his friends, armed with guns and gasoline. May the yacht rest in peace. Elsewhere, one of the main characters looks exactly like pro wrestling legend Hulk Hogan, so a fair guess would be he’d use a folding metal chair to take down the mouthy monster in a no-holds barred shark cage match. You could have a zebra fish as the referee. Heh.

Cruel Jaws

All that and the best scene comes when the shark, taking the bait (raw rump roast) dangling from a helicopter, ends up eating the civil aircraft and its occupants — as dessert. Sharks need roughage in their diet.

Cruel Jaws

Cruel J seems to mark his territory around a sunken military ship, presumably where he was born and set free upon the boat’s demise. So this is where the squeaky clean teens and Hulk Hogan go to plant dynamite. (Sure hope the ref isn’t watching.) The ship, though, is loaded with valuables that local criminals try to retrieve. CJ cares not for thieves.

Cruel Jaws

As painfully bad as Cruel Jaws is, you should probably watch it (on YouTube™ for free) and turn it into a drinking game. Do a shot every time you see a stolen scene/dialogue from Jaws; You’ll be passed out cold long before the part where a barking seal interrupts a crooked local amusement park owner’s hot-air balloon speech and knocks him into the dolphin tank. (They don’t show it, but the dolphins likely tore the guy in half and feasted on his land guts. I’m pretty sure of it.)

2,000 Thoughts on Horror & Sci-Fi

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 5, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

2000: A Blog OdysseyAs of this one, 2,000 bloggings. Another milepost, the digital equivalent of passing a kidney stone.

What’s more stupefying that I stuck to this arduous journey (Hobbits have nothing on me) are the stats generated over seven years of near pointless — but still my passion —  posts: 50,000 intercepted spam attempts (spammers are infected pus-filled boils on the b-hole of a-life), 10,000 pics (worth 1,000 words), 1,000 typos (not my fault — I blem auto-correct) and over 1,000,000 page views. (WordPress™ stats keep track. I only follow my bank account numbers, which is finally in the lofty 100s. Score!)

So what have I/you/we/us/they learned about horror/sci-fi/fantasy in the last seven years? That horror/sci-fi movies continue to rip off each other with impunity. From cut ’n paste ad art and plots, to new lows in low-budget filmmaking (movies shot on iPhones™ aren’t films, they’re selfies with credits), the horror movie community seems at home eviscerating itself as if the very same slashers they keep churning out decade after decade.

Copycat Horror

These practices are the reason we have so many zombie movies (out-pacing vampires by a moonlight mile), found footage (see iPhones™), and the Archie/Scooby-Doo construct of five moronic young people (three guys, two gals) stepping in a big pile of ultimate evil.

And the term “ultimate evil” brings up another gripe. After reading countless press releases while moving my lips touting upcoming horror/sci-fi movies, there are 10 terms marketing peeps consistently fall back on when describing their “films”, adjectives no one uses (outside of a bar) in real life: Sinister, blood-curdling, mysterious, vengeful, ancient evil, grapple, estranged, malevolent force, mortal danger, and my favorite, dread-inducing. Geez, all they have to do is go to Thesaurus.com to expand their notoriously limited vocabulary arsenal. Those illiterate histrionic simpletons.

Ouiji Bored

Box office buzzwords are also tools for the PR department tools. So much so, you need a math expert to keep track of all the movies that hang these words on their titles: Amityville, Paranormal, Haunting, Dark/Darkness, Dead, Zombie, Ouija, Possession, Exorcist/Exorcism… If they think it’ll help upsell you out of your movie coupons, they have no problem slapping any one of these overcooked/overdone/overused modifiers on their predictably weak product.

But horror — no matter how overcooked/overdone/overused — is what it is. Unfortunately, no amount of i-soapboxing is gonna change it. What I do look forward to in new horror/sci-fi is the ad art. All too often, though, the marketing materials are better than the movie its advertising. Then again, who wouldn’t take the bait when the art (designed by Phantom City Creative) is this cool?

Monster Brawl

So any horror/sci-fi movie predictions for the next 1,000 posts? No doubt more zombie and shark movies…

Sharks A-Lot

I know what you’re thinking; they already did Zombie Shark aka, Tiburon Zombie in 2014…

Zombie Shark

And we should also expect to see more wild mash-ups to further stress test our movie viewing dollars…

Horror Mash-Up

Everything else, second verse, same as the first. Just like this blog. Onward…but not always upward.

P.S. Loud shout-outs to David H, Mondozilla, Mr. Deadman, Dougside, Dave De Prave, Tony Wilkins and Computerlady911 for the great support.

King Kong’s Illegitimate Step-Brother

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 4, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

A.P.E.

There were/are a lot of titles for the 1976 South Korean King Kong rip-off, A.P.E. (I think that stands for “A Primate Enlarged.”) There’s Super Ape, King Kong Returns, King Kong eui daeyeokseup, The Great Counterattack of King-Kong, Attack of the Giant Horny Gorilla, and Hideous Mutant. I get horny gorilla, but hideous mutant? It’s a 36-foot monkey, not a result of in-breeding. Then again…

A.P.E.

Speaking of gone wrong, A.P.E. is right in the wheelhouse of campy z-grade, starting with the gorilla busting out of his Uber oil tanker, then, in the middle of the ocean (which appears to be only waist deep) battles a shark and rips it in two after much hammy splashing.

A.P.E.

The not-Kong makes it to shore and goes on a stomping spree. The military has a hard time believing the frantic calls about the brute busting a move as well as buildings. Meanwhile, Ape fights off a giant snake, kids in the park and someone out for a relaxing hang glide.

A.P.E.

Nearby a movie actress, whose boyfriend kisses her like a Grouper fish swallowing a smaller Grouper fish, is doing a forced-into-sex scene. Ape goes ape for the gal, hunts her down (grabbing her during a puppet show — don’t ask), and the rest of the movie is one long headfirst plunge down the silly slide.

A.P.E.

Not surprisingly the movie studio behind this a.r.t. was sued for big bananas due to its similarity to the also goofy King Kong remake, released in 1976 as well. But this one had Ape flipping off the military during a failed attack. Didn’t even see so much as an “up your nose with a rubber hose” in the Dino De Laurentiis version.

The Horror of 2016

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks, TV Vixens, UFOs, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 25, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Witch

“Wouldst thou like to live deliciously?”

Best line in recent contemporary horror as whispered by the tempting, unseen evil thing in The Witch, one of the 2016’s least conventional but deliciously grim horror movies. I haven’t heard a line that good since “I know you are, but what am I?” from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure (1985).

Supergirl

The second best line of dialogue of the year comes not from a horror/sci-fi movie, but from the TV series Supergirl: “It’s time to punch you in the face…” (Note to anyone not using glitter chapstick – Supergirl is faring far better under the CW™ tweener banner than it did with CBS™, who had no idea what to do with superheroes sporting abnormally perfect teeth and Clearasil Ultra Rapid Action™ complexions. This is CW’s™ wheelhouse, man.)

In a year fraught with horror (politics notwithstanding), there were more than a few genre movie and TV stand-outs. And while I’m a world famous (ahem) blogger of horror/sci-fi, this e-offering is not even close to being comprehensive and I am by no means an authority on the subject. (I’m an expert at being NOT an expert.)

Black Phillip Cider

Of the ton of big/low-budget genre movie/TV crap I’ve watched all year long, the following represents a few chunks of interesting crap therein. You don’t have to agree with me, though, just because I’m a world famous blogger [insert nervous cough here]…

The Witch, Train To Busan, Shin Godzilla

THE WITCH
This unforgettable chiller introduced horror’s best new figurehead: Black Phillip, the Danny Trejo (or “Machete”) of badass barnyard animals.

SHIN GODZILLA
F-word amazing. They gave reboot G several insanely cool upgrades while holding true to Godzilla’s original hairstyle, including his “one-blow-blows-up-all” destructo breath: purple-y AND flame-y. That’s pretty sweet. Shin Godzilla, almost all filmed in broad daylight, shows Godzilla doing what he does best: making smash hits. I’d buy his album.

TRAIN TO BUSAN
A South Korean zombie movie that mops the floor with every other zombie movie released this year. So ridiculously intense is this thing (passengers trapped on a speeding commuter train while zombies board without passes), you don’t need English translation. (I went legit and watched it without sub-titles. That’s how I roll.)

10m Cloverfield Lane, 31, Phantasm Ravager

10 CLOVERFIELD LANE
Was this a sequel to 2008’s Cloverfield? There are those who walk among us that say yes. Doesn’t matter — while the movie climaxed with alien stuff (if you didn’t already know that — ha!), it’s the premise of several super tense characters in a rural underground survivalist bunker (two of which are there involuntarily) that brings the real horror.

ROB ZOMBIE’S 31
Like him or not, Rob Zombie always makes stomach-turning, gritty and gory horror movies. This one puts a group of traveling carnival white trash performers in a huge maze inside a huge warehouse-y type building, facing off in a brutal do-or-die obstacle course with highly colorful and pretty darn mean maniacs (Doom-Head, Sick-Head, Schizo-Head, Psycho-Head, Death-Head, Sex-Head), all wielding power tools. Make it out of the building, you live. Sort of.

PHANTASM RAVAGER
Does this final installment of the surreal and beloved Phantasm franchise deliver the groceries? Yes and not yes. Given that it’s been nearly 20 years since the last one (Phantasm IV: Oblivion/1998) and brings back the original characters, all of which puts you in the zone, Phantasm Ravager still leaves a pile of unanswered questions, like what happened to Reggie’s 1971 Plymouth Barracuda (second only to the Batmobile in sleek coolness)? But hey, those iconic flying death spheres, aka, gasoline-powered sharp things? All over the freakin’ place.

Deadpool, Captain America: Civil War, Batman V Superman, Suicide Squad, Doctor Strange

DEADPOOL / CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR / BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE / SUICIDE SQUAD / DOCTOR STRANGE
Great year for great superhero movies. All of the above kicked ass to varying degrees of ass kicking. And Suicide Squad’s dementedly drop dead sexy Harley Quinn ranks with Deadpool and Black Phillip as a top genre icon of the year. (Godzilla’s already in the Hall of Fame, so giving somebody else a chance here.)

Harley Quinn

Honorary mention goes to Ben Affleck’s Batman, who puts the dark in Dark Knight. (He drinks the hard stuff, two syllable swears, horizontally smooches the ladies, takes pill-shaped drugs, beats people like drums then tortures/shoots them, and socks Superman right on his justice-shaped jaw. On top of that, he drives really fast and crashes into stuff. Batman gives driving lessons, not takes them.)

A few thoughts on some other this and thats…

Arrival, The Shallows, Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them

ARRIVAL
Not just a good movie, but a great UFO movie that doesn’t rely on all out paranoid military warfare on our space brothers, who look a heckuva lot like seafood appetizers. P.S. to the Internet: I’ve seen nearly every UFO video on YouTube™ and they’re starting to look fake. I’m beginning to think UFOs aren’t real. But that’s probably just crazy talk.

THE SHALLOWS
You can still be the most heavy metal, human-gulping shark with extra teeth in the ocean, but you still take second seat to Blake Lively’s seat in a string bikini worn throughout the ENTIRE MOVIE.

FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM
An enthralling movie set in 1920s New York with wizards and a menagerie of off-the-hook mythical creatures and monsters, the likes of which have not been seen since the last WWE pay-per-view. Y’know, I bet Harry Potter fans might like this.

Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children, The Boy, Morgan

MISS PEREGRINE’S HOME FOR PECULIAR CHILDREN
In my day a home for peculiar children was called “summer camp.” A bunch of mutation kids with unique abilities: floating, projecting movies through eyes, starting fires by touching stuff, super strength, control of nature, and my fav, eating through a mouth on the back of your head. You could take down a Frisko Freeze™ double deluxe burger in one mouth while sucking down a chocolate shake with the other. I wouldst like to live deliciously.

THE BOY
Featured The Walking Dead’s walking gorgeous Lauren Cohan. I wasn’t aware of anything else in the movie. I think it had some sort of boy in it. I think he was a puppet, which is just plain weird.

MORGAN
A genetic experiment gone wrong — or right, depending on where you stand on a contemporary updating of Frankenstein (1931).

Independence Day: Resurgence, X-Men: Apocalypse, Star Trek Beyond

There were a few genre misfires this year, though, including Independence Day: Resurgence, (we need to issue a formal apology to extraterrestrials), X-Men: Apocalypse (yeesh, what a mutant mess) and Star Trek Beyond, which relied more on blowing up things than the story line. Speaking of, why do they have to keep exploding the USS Enterprise over and over? Man, I wanted to drive that thing.

Wonder Woman

So what do we have to look forward to from here? According to IMDB.com there’s approximately 1,000+ horror/sci-fi/fantasy/superhero movies (Wonder Woman – I await you) slated for release in 2017. Butt — meet couch. Like Doctor Strange, I’m looking through space and time (and Collider.com) for Pacific Rim: Uprising (2018), Godzilla, King of Monsters (2019) and Godzilla vs. King Kong (hopefully before I croak). All the other stuff watched is what I’ll do to pass time/pass gas/pass out until those movies come to enrich my life.

Shark Bubbles

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 29, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Deep Blood

You don’t have to put on Shark Exorcist (2015) to watch a supremely crappy shark movie. Just go on YouTube™ and pull up the obscure Deep Blood, a 1989 Italian shark flick, featuring no fishy action or graphic kill scenes whatsoever. So why did I watch it? It was free. But free in this case meant you’ll pay a price — 90 minutes of your expiration date.

Deep Blood

The title comes from a pact four young boys made to alway be friends and to kill a great white shark lest one of them should be eaten by one. Guess what happens? 10 years later the boys reunite for a fishing vacation at a small beach community stalked by a marauding shark. (Likely an out of towner, also on vacation.) One of the boys is sharked to death and the remaining friends make another pact: kill that shark hard for what it did.

Deep Blood

Vengeance is the first thing on their minds (with boobies coming in a very close second). They prep their trap while the shark (stock footage of several great white sharks swimming in circles and occasionally coming to the surface for air) munches on beach food. The kills are nothing more than screaming swimmers in an eruption of blood bubbles (or “Texas Champagne”). You don’t see the shark actually doing any attacking, just a lot of red froth. And screaming.

Deep Blood

The boys’ plan is to use explosives to turn the shark into puzzle pieces. Gonna be a challenge as the mean fish is thought to be an incarnation of an ancient hoodoo (West African spiritual traditions and beliefs) spirit that took the form of a killer shark.

Deep Blood

So yeah, African spirit hoodoo sharks (different ones spliced in to emphasize the premise) in Italy. A more entertaining idea would’ve been to do a movie about voodoo spaghetti. And instead of blood, they could use tomato sauce, which I hear is smiliar in color. Just thinking out loud.