Hometown Haunts, Prime Time Exorcism, Robot Mom

Does your town have a haunted house/hotel/7-Eleven™? If it did, would you know how to find it? Now you can with Fright Find, a website with a comprehensive database of every real haunted house/hotel/7-Eleven™ in every state. It’s like one-stop shopping for ghost groupies. 

From Fright Find’s website: “Every state has its own eerie haunted history. From the Salem Witch Hunts to the Ghosts of the Alamo, each state’s history goes back hundreds, if not thousands, of years. However, there are no boundaries on the afterlife. To help you find haunts in your state, we’ve organized these real haunted houses, places, and haunted attractions so that you can start your phantom hunt. Curious to know your state’s haunted history? Want to find the most haunted place in your state? Start your Fright Find right here…”

According to their stats, Florida is the most haunted state with 127 listings. The District of Columbia clocks in with a non-tourist generating seven haunts. I drink in Washington State and Fright Find says we have a respectable 73 haunted listings. In your face, every state with 72 or less.

While you go through Fright Find’s documentation of all the scary stuff in your state, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not put you in a scary state…

CRAZY CROCODILE / Out now (YouTube™)

“Food host Xiaoyu is tricked into participating in a survival reality show, along with a group of other people who all have their own reasons to participate. Everyone strays into the forbidden area in the wild and they are attacked by mutant crocodiles.”

The irony of a food host becoming food for the mutant crocodiles is…delicious.

KKN DI DESA PENARI: LUWIH DOWO, LUWIH MEDINI / December 29, 2022 (VOD)

“A Javanese proverb expressed by Widya’s mother just before she left for KKN. A sign that there was something in the village at the far east. Widya, Nur, Ayu, Bima, Anton and Wahyu never thought that their KKN activities would lead to disaster.”

The movie’s weird and unpronounceable title translates to KKN in Dancer Village: Longer, Scarier. Yeah, no — didn’t help. I think there’s a dancing snake in this movie.

TRUE HAUNTING / January 6, 2023 (VOD)

“The terrifying true story of the first televised exorcism on NBC in 1971. Millions around the country watched the program that was recorded in Chicago. The NBC news segment was a success, the exorcism was not. Instead, it made things worse for the Becker family who lived there. Much worse.”

All exorcisms should be televised. Can’t be any ickier than watching Dr. Pimple Popper.

JUNG_E / January 20, 2023 (Netflix™)

“In the 22nd century, with Earth no longer habitable due to climate change, war breaks out in the last shelter built for human survival. The only way to end the war hinges on cloning a legendary mercenary into a scalable robot. In a post-apocalyptic near-future, a researcher at an Artificial Intelligence lab leads the effort to end a civil war by cloning the brain of a heroic soldier — her mother.”

It’d be cool to have a robot mom. I don’t know why. Just seems like she’d be better than non-robotic moms.

365 Days of Horror, Tramp Stamped Piranhas, Extinct Genes

Time again for Lunchmeat Magazine’s annually-anticipated Home Video Horrors calendar. Seems like it’s been a year since they put one out. I you’re a fan of Z-grade lurid horror movies that used to come out on VHS, this paints you in a must-own corner.

From Lunchmeat’s website: “Photographer Jacky Lawrence with W.T. Scot present an all-new Home Video Horrors calendar, featuring 12 brand spankin’ new photo tributes to some of the most iconic, incredible, and eye-popping VHS covers ever to stalk the horror section of the video store. The Home Video Horrors 2023 calendar is printed on high-quality, full-color semi-gloss paper. Only 250 copies will be produced, and you can pre-order yours for $19.99 over on Lunchmeat’s website now. The calendars are expected to be delivered in January 2023.”

While we watch 2022 go down in flames and re-light the torch with this 2023 horror calendar, here are a few out now horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not last a year…

THE CRETACEOUS WORLD / Out now (VOD)

The Bermuda Triangle area has always been known as the Hell of Death. Many years ago, due to the special magnetic field and ocean current environment, a “sleeping” cretaceous island emerged from the water. The island has a large number of dinosaur genes that have been extinct more than 65 million years ago. A bizarre air crash led a group of survivors to be trapped on this island.”

At around 79 million years, the Cretaceous is the longest geological period of the entire Phanerozoic. Knowing this going in made the movie that much more satisfying.

PIRANHA WOMEN / Out now (Tubi™)

“A tender tale of a tribe of sexy ladies who keep a toothy, terrifying secret beneath their bikini tops and the young woman who is slowly, surely starting to join their ribald ranks.”

Bikini-wearing women that turn into flesh-eating fish. And they say there are no new plots.

THE SCREAMING SKY (aka, CEREBOH) / Out now (VOD)

“The world has been overrun by mind-controlling aliens called Sky Beasts. Six people hide out in an abandoned building. But when one of them is exposed to the aliens, paranoia among them proves to be just as deadly as any threat from the sky.”

Sky Beasts is what I call those %@#$ seagulls that crap all over my car. (Shaking fist menacingly) “I’ll kill you, %@#$ Sky Beasts!” 

THE DOLL 3 / Out now (VOD)

“After an accident that killed both of her parents, Tara now only has a younger brother named Gian as a member of her family. However, the accident traumatized Gian, so he chose to end his life. After the suicide of her brother, Tara decides to take his favorite toy, a child-size talking doll called Bobby, to a shaman to have his spirit reborn inside it. The doll takes on a life of its own, turning into a demonic serial killer who targets any and everyone in Tara’s life that stands in his way of completely monopolizing his sister’s time.”

Looks like somebody’s been watching Child’s Play. Three times, apparently.

Unwelcome Aliens, Bigfoot Byname, Clown Killing Clown

When you look around your house/apartment/prison cell, what’s the first thing that comes to mind? The answer, of course is, “I sure could use a vinyl banner to liven up the place.” And really, there’s no downside to covering your bland walls with vinyl — they’re stain-resistant (mostly), easily cleaned (if that’s your thing) and will last longer than you. The folks HorrorDecor.com can make your decorating dreams come true with stylish and affordable vinyl horror banners.

Designed by Burnzig, these banners come in five choices: The Human Pin Cushion, The Forever Twins, Master of Knives and The Living Doll, cleverly recasting horror movie icons as old time-y carnival sideshow attractions. (That’s what came up on my job aptitude test.)

Each banner is $40.00 and measures 24” 30”. They come with silver colored metal grommets on all corners and can be used indoors or outdoors. I wouldn’t recommend outdoors as a stink criminal might steal it to garnish his/her inevitable prison cell.

While you’re taking down those worthless family photos to make way for these banners, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not brighten your living area…

BATTLEFIELD: FALL OF THE WORLD (aka ALIEN MONSTER INVASION) / Out now (Tubi™)

“A mysterious alien civilization’s military aircraft arrives on Earth. In order to resist the alien invasion, the military forces of various countries put politics and nationalism aside and join forces. Cheng Ling, who was struggling to survive in the ruins of the apocalypse, is inspired by this spirit and resolutely accepted the task of the defense commander, forming a strategic team with other soldiers in an attempt to destroy the alien attackers.”

I say let the aliens take over and leave them to clean up this toilet of a planet.

TAHOE JOE / Out now (Wicked Horror TV™)

“In 2022, filmmaker Dillon Brown set out with Green Beret and wilderness survival expert, Michael Rock, to document an attempt to find a missing person. What they found instead was a horror thought to be a myth.”

Tahoe Joe is another nickname for Bigfoot. Sounds like Vegas poker player’s name or that pension drunk with three teeth who sits at the end of the bar at the Tug Tavern and talks to himself.

THE LEGEND OF THE DARK CLOWN / Out now (Amazon Prime Video™)

“Jitters is a recent graduate with high hopes to one day be a birthday clown who entertains kids. When he cannot afford to pay back his student loans from clown college, he takes the only job available to a young inexperienced clown. He embarks on a life of crime when joins the Killer Clown Mafia. It’s blood in and blood out so once he kills for his crew, he has no way to leave without being murdered himself. He makes the decision to take out every evil clown in the entire city and goes on a massive killing spree in hopes to be free to become what he always wanted – a clown who entertains kids. In his desire to live his dream, he creates a nightmare and becomes a legend. He is an evil clown that kills other evil clowns.”

An evil clown that kills other evil clowns. So what happens after Jitters permanently deletes the entire evil clown population — sillycide? 

THE TOMORROW JOB / Release pending 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“A team of thieves use a time-travel drug to trade places with their future selves to execute the ultimate heist. When interrupted on a job the team must fix their past mistakes to prevent disastrous consequences. A dynamic mix of genres, The Tomorrow Job is a high-stakes sci-fi action-adventure epic with heart, humor, and fun, and an ode to beloved heist comedies of the past.”

Time travel drugs have been around for a long time — just ask a hippie.

Vile Vision, Ghost Guests, Lethal Lobsters

For horror movies fans there exists a plethora of viewing options, paid and free. If you don’t mind ad-supported horror movies (or just regular movies, which nobody cares about), Tubi™ and YouTube™ beats the competition by far with obscure, DYI, foreign and classic horror offerings. (P.S. Tubi™ is the king of horror/sci-fi with hundreds upon other hundreds of horror flicks you never knew existed.)

Shudder™ is the de facto go to for paid horror viewing, with a sharply curated catalogue and consistent new releases. With plans starting at $4.79 a month, you be a screaming dumbass (okay, maybe not screaming) to not subscribe. Another bountiful horror/sci-fi option, though, is Wicked Horror TV™, a premium streaming service specializing in quality horror films. (Note: ALL horror movies are quality. Except maybe three.) 

Wicked Horror TV™ puts the gore in categorize — horror movies are sorted by decades (1920s to whatever decade we’re in now), countries (Asia, Australia, Europe, South America and whatever country we’re in now), and sub-genres (ghosts, giallo, gothic, paranormal, possession, B-movies, satanic, supernatural, occult, witches, etc.) There’s plenty of ad-supported free horror, but the premium plan taps you for $5.99 a month, though you save thriftily with their billed annually plan of $49.99. Wicked Horror TV™ can be watched (or “viewed”) on things like Fire TV™, Roku™, Apple TV™, Android TV™, Google Play™, and iOS™ mobile devices.

While you close out your horror-bereft Netflix™ account and sign up for Wicked Horror TV™ (click this), here are a few out now/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies/tv series that may or may not be worth paying for — or watching for free…

DEADLY DEALINGS / Out now (YouTube™/VOD)

“A young woman struggles with losing her brother. Her roommate turns her on to a spirit board, and that night she has a dream that she can trade her dream for her brother’s life. The next day when she awakens she learns that it was more than just a dream and she bit off more than she expected.”

Yawn. Sounds more like a spirit bored than a spirit board.

THE GHOSTS OF MONDAY / January 23, 2023 (VOD/DVD)

“A television director becomes embroiled in a supernatural conspiracy after traveling to Cyprus to make a TV pilot about a haunted hotel.”

Cyprus is an island country located south of the Anatolian Peninsula in the eastern Mediterranean Sea. Seems like a long way to go to document hotel haunters. Try the “ghosts only” Overlook Hotel in the nearby country of Colorado.

THE SWARM / Release pending 2023 (Streaming TV subscription)

“A global environmental thriller, The Swarm is set in a present day where anomalies and unnatural behavior in marine animals are causing upheaval all over the world. Millions of strange worms suddenly appear on the bottom of the North Sea, drilling their way through frozen methane, threatening to destabilize the entire continental shelf. Swarms of mussels stop large vessels from maneuvering. Toxic jellyfish, lobsters and whales start attacking human beings along the coasts of the world. It follows a global group of scientists and military who come together to tackle one of the biggest challenges mankind has ever faced. They make the chilling discovery that we are not the only intelligent species on this planet — and that deep down at the bottom of the sea resides a collective intelligence which has suffered the ravages of civilization on its habitat and decided to fight back.”

Strange worms, toxic jellyfish, swarms of mussels…sounds like the Seafarer’s Feast™ at Red Lobster™.

NEW FEAR’S EVE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“As the coming year approaches, three friends reluctantly prepare for Hooper Industries’ annual New Year’s Eve bash. The clock ticks down and the body count rises as a psychotic murderer known as The Doctor is on the loose. This sadistic surgeon of death leaves Owensboro covered in blood as local police and FBI are forced to navigate through a maze of bodies left in his wake.”

I liked this better when it was called New Year’s Evil (1980).

Frightful Voices, Shark Cravings, Shiny Giants

One of the better and hammy fun vampire movies of the ‘80s is Fright Night (1985), wherein a stylish, manscaped vampire moves next door to Charley Brewster, a teen a horror movie fan, who discovers his new neighbor’s penchant for sucking down neck Slurpees™. Charley enlists the help of local TV horror movie host/vampire hunter Peter Vincent (played by Planet of the Apes’ Cornelius), to expose his neighbor’s vampiric activities. The wild stuff that happens from there (sorry, no spoilers) cemented Fright Night’s cult status among horror fans, and was even remade in 2011.

Chris Sarandon, who played Jerry Dandrige, Fright Night’s the lethally smooth vampire, also starred as police detective Mike Norris in 1988’s Child’s Play (he was the guy who shot the criminal guy who, before he could die, voodoo’d himself into a plastic doll and became Chucky), and was the voice of Jack Skellington in 1993’s animated “horror” classic, The Nightmare Before Christmas. His work in horror includes 1977’s The Sentinel, 1991’s The Resurrected, Bordello of Blood in 1996, and a cameo in the 2011 Fright Night remake. (P.S. Fright Night 2: New Blood came out 2013, but he wasn’t in it. Neither was I.) And Sir Sarandon recently returned to the FN universe by voicing A. Jack Ulkrich novel Fright Night: Origins in audiobook format. This is fantastic news for people who don’t know how to read. (Hey, I was wet nursed on TV. Quit judging me.)

Here are the particulars: “You think you know the whole story, don’t you? High school isn’t going well for teenage horror fan Charley Brewster, still dealing with the loss of his father, he finds himself in his first serious relationship with the vibrant and beautiful Amy Peterson. If new love wasn’t complicated enough Charley is also failing Trigonometry. Late one night while cramming for a test Charley spies something suspicious in the yard next door, two men carrying what appears.to be a coffin. What’s going on in the old Victorian House and who are Charley’s new neighbors?”

Fright Night: Origins comes in four Amazon Audible™ options: Kindle™ ($1.99), Audiobook ($0.00), hardcover ($32.99) and paperback ($16.99). Pick your poison here. And while you’re reliving the undead, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be improved by having ’em read to you…

UNDYING / Out now (VOD)

“A tragic car accident puts a woman in a two year coma. She wakes up to find her fiancee is dead and her friends have abandoned her. So she calls on an evil spirit to raise her fiancee from the dead and exact revenge. But revenge always comes with a price.”

Your friends bailed because you were basically a leftover meatloaf for two years. It’s not like they ran out, leaving you to pay the bar tab. And that’s punishable by death by an evil spirit? Geez, some coma patients are so cranky if they don’t get enough — or too much —sleep.

VENUS / Out now (VOD)

“After being caught stealing from her employers, club dancer Lucía seeks shelter with her estranged sister and niece in the Venus, a decrepit apartment complex on the outskirts of Madrid. Soon, Lucía discovers the apartment complex harbors a dark secret threatening to reveal itself after an unexpected solar eclipse.”

I thought all eclipses were solar. They could’ve just said eclipse.

NO SHARK / Out now (Tubi™)

“In this darkly comedic and uniquely angsty journey, twelve vignettes chronicle a young woman’s inner monologue as she visits various NYC beaches in hopes of fulfilling her dream of being eaten by a shark.”

Why is it every gal I meet wants to be eaten by a shark? It’s giving me a complex.

SHIN ULTRAMAN / January 12, 2023 (Fathom™)

“As the threat of giant unidentified lifeforms known as S-Class Species worsens in Japan, a silver giant appears from beyond Earth’s atmosphere.”

As if it needs to be said, the world could use more silver giants wearing shiny tight pants.

Poltergeist Police, Apparition Anthology, Specter Slasher

If you’ve ever watched ghost-hunting “reality” shows and thought, “Well heck — I could do that and make an idiot out off myself way better than those guys,” now you can with Ghost Stop’s™ Ghost Hunting Gear, a one-stop shop with all the equipment you need to expose real-life hauntings for what they are. (Don’t make me explain this.)

Ghost Stop™ has it all to get on Casper’s case, from EVP recorders and meters, video cameras, thermal cams, and branded backpacks to stuff it all in. And before you think this is all nonsense, the prices aren’t: the EVP Recorder is a scary $89.95, the Phasm Cam is a shocking $179.95, Ghost Stop’s™ Spirit Box Ghost Hunting Kit will spook you out of $252.80, and the Pro Ghost Hunting Kit is a spine-chilling $699.70. You could spend that money on beer and film yourself haunting various bars and/or taverns. Now THERE’S a reality show worth watching…and I would like to audition for it.

While you look to get your ghost gumshoeing on, here are a few out now horror movies that may or may not scare the easily detectable ectoplasm out of you…    

LET IT GHOST / Out now (VOD)

“This anthology film features a triplet of horror stories, starring up-and-coming actors and popular local Youtubers™. A film crew is haunted by paranormal activities; When a taxi driver takes his girlfriend to a party room to get it on, a horny ghost adds spice to the proceedings; When a wandering ghost refuses to leave a soon-to-be-gentrified mall, the tenants concoct a plan to send her off.”

Of these I would like to see how they pull off a threesome with a ghost. For starters, what would they use for lube — VapoRub™?

THE OPEN BODY / Out now (VOD)

“1909. Miguel, a young teacher, is sent to work in a small, gloomy village on the border between Spain and Portugal. There, he will start to feel a special kind of fascination for Dorinda, the wife of Turelo, who is having an extra-marital affair with Mauro. When, one icy morning, Mauro’s body is found hanging from a cherry tree, the teacher begins to suspect that his soul is still wandering around the village in search of revenge. An erudite and highly rational man, the teacher now comes face to face with a world that is no short of archaic in its ways and values. A universe that still believes in the ‘open bodies’, which are especially prone to being possessed by the spirits of the dead and who use them as a way to manifest themselves and establish a relationship with the living.”

Mauro’s soul isn’t wandering around the village in search of revenge — he’s looking to establish a relationship with a living restroom. (Apparently, there are no working toilets in the afterlife. Guess that’s why it’s called Hell.)  

DR. GIFT / Out now (VOD)

“What do you get when you combine an ’80s slasher with a haunting ghost story?”

A reason to waste $4.99 to rent it.

UFO PARANORMAL OVERLORDS / Out now (VOD)

“Why are Aliens so widespread in ancient tradition, mythology, religion and even now in our modern age? The truth can be found within the mind’s connection to other realms. We can access this ‘dark’ side of the mind and Alien connection via methods used by the ancients to access our own internal world, which is our gateway to other realms. With the use of medicinals, meditation or prayer we can access this other dimension but the pathway is multi-leveled and complex. It is the hypnagogic — the point between waking and sleeping. Within this realm we can see and experience what Carl Jung termed ‘archetypes’ which have been encountered since time immemorial, are in reality our connection to the Multiverse. Since ancient times, we have encountered what we now call ‘Aliens’ in many forms that have more than influenced our history, they may have created it.”

Accessing the mind’s dark side and Alien connections using medicinals and meditation? Who made this documentary — hippies?

Ghost Clowns, Republican Reptiles, Marauding Mermaids

There have been numerous versions of Catwoman, the fetching felonious feline who gives Batman a stiff Batarang. If you count TV, film, animated movies, comics, graphic novels and video games, there have been 30 Catwomen thus far. That’s a lot of kitty in that litter. But one of the sexiest standouts was Michelle Pfieffer’s skintight latex clad dominatrix portrayal of Catwoman in 1992’s Batman Returns. (Note to Julie Newmar, Batman’s 1966 Catwoman — can’t thank you enough for the carpal tunnel.)

Now you can purchase a replica of Pfieffer’s stylish Catwoman headpiece for a wallet-whomping $699.00. Riddle me this: Why does it cost so much? For one thing, it’s limited to 150 reproductions. Other reasons from PureArts website: “Matching the Batman 1:1 Scale Cowl Replica, this 1:1 Catwoman Mask Replica sits atop a miniature Gotham City mayoral house statue base. Featuring a removable Catwoman whip coiled around the base, PureArts captures the feminine, dangerous and clever essence of Catwoman. The mask replica is created out of PureArts’ poly-based casting material developed specifically for their Batman line, designed to look and feel like real high gloss latex, but never deteriorate.”

There are two versions: standard and one that comes complete with a removable leather whip and miniature version of the “cat clock” found in Shreck’s Department Store in the movie. To complete your cosplay hankerings, you can buy a Catwoman costume on any discount Halloween store, or make one yourself [instructions here].

While you rewatch Michelle’s tingle-inducing performance in Batman Returns and “review” it in the privacy of your own bathroom, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not belong in a litter box…

GHOSTS OF AMITYVILLE /Out now (VOD)

“Following the tragic death of her mother, eight-year-old Olivia soon discovers the demon of Amityville is manifesting itself as a clown.”

For some of us “demons,” morphing into a clown is redundant. However, If I was a demon (ahem), I’d manifest myself as a bartender, because hey — TIPS!

LIZARD PEOPLE: THE TRUTH ABOUT REPTILIANS / Out now (VOD)

“They established rule over ancient man, a race of giants known as the Nephilim. Today, their descendants live among us, veiled in any form they choose: Demon…Alien…even Reptilian! Two hardcore researchers, Carl Crew and Bryan Sadler, delve deep into the mythology that shrouds the theory of the Reptilians to uncover their true nature and their global power that some say continues to control the world. Through their deceit and deception, will the Reptilians ultimately destroy humankind?”

The horror sci-fi movie The Alligator People came out in 1959. So yeah, Reptilians have been among us over 60 years. Fun fact: “Republican” is a derision of “Reptilian,” which explains their continuing true nature to achieve global power and destroy humankind.

INVASION OF THE MERMAIDS / Out now (VOD)

“A fishing village encounters a mysterious water monster. A young man tries to protect the residents and in the process, they unexpectedly discover an invasion of mermaids.”

I’d rather be invaded by mermaids than some of those other oceanic threats, like murder clams or sushi chef’s knife-grade swordfish. And let us not rule out the Thrill Krill Cult.

PARANORMAL WORLD: ALIENS, UFOs, CRYPTIDS AND GHOSTLY ENCOUNTERS / Out now (VOD)

“Sightings of strange, unworldly creatures occur daily around the world. Now we are learning that bizarre creatures like Bigfoot, Dogmen, El Chupacabras, Lake Monsters, Thunderbirds, even Aliens and UFOs may all be connected on our paranormal planet.”

It’s insensitive to refer to these creatures as “bizarre.” Better to say “folklore-capable.”

Monsters Au Naturel, Bigfoot Pursuit, Alien Party Crashers

Paul Garner is an artist living in Brighton, United Kingdom. That pretty dang far from where I’m lallygagging. But thanks to this thing called the “Internet” (you may have heard of it), now you can view his incredible horror movie icon illustrations…and buy ’em. (Full disclosure: I recently purchased some of Garner’s art and am currently gawking at it on the wall right next to where I’m lallygagging.)

Paul’s latest series is Nudie Monsters, recasting The Mummy, Wolf-Man, The Fly and Bride of Frankenstein in eye-poppingly colorful “pin-ups”. Don’t worry — they’re PG-rated, which means you don’t have to hide ‘em under your bed. These silk board prints sell in sets of three for 25£ ($31.40 US) and measure 11.75”x16.5”. Get ’em on his Etsy shop page here. Better yet, marvel at Paul’s extraordinary illustrating skills on his website: www.paulgarnerart.com

As confessed in a court of public opinion above, I purchased the Jaws poster and just sent in an order for The Shining print. If none of these examples are to your liking (critic), you can get caricatures of Creature of the Black Lagoon, Nosferatu, Night of the Living Dead and even Ozzy Osbourne, who’s kind of a monster himself.

While you take down your Vincent van Gogh and Pablo Picasso black light posters to make room for Paul’s peerless artings, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be made better by having nude monsters in ’em…

NIGHT OF THE AXE / Out now (VOD)

“A group of young adults enjoying a high school reunion party are terrorized by an escaped mental patient obsessed with satisfying his blood lust. One by one they are made victims of the sadistic killer. Who will survive the Night of the Axe?”

Not only does it SOUND like a slasher plot straight out of late ’70s/early’80s, it IS a slasher plot straight of late ’70s/early’80s. Time spent coming up with the script? 70 or 80 seconds.

ON THE TRAIL OF BIGFOOT: LAST FRONTIER / January 17, 2023 (VOD)

“Small Town Monsters heads to the frozen vistas of the 49th state with On the Trail of Bigfoot: Last Frontier. The first 2023 Small Town Monsters docudrama features in-depth interviews with locals and a heavy focus on the Indigenous people who first called the land home. Focusing on evidence and encounters with the legendary Sasquatch, On the Trail of Bigfoot: Last Frontier aims to give audiences the most cohesive look at Alaskan Sasquatch lore.”

YET ANOTHER documentary cashing in on Bigfoot’s good name. B’foot really needs to put his big foot down on people not legally licensing his image and/or footwear.

KIDS VS. ALIENS / January 20, 2023 (Digital/VOD)

“All Gary wants is to make awesome home movies with his best buds. All his older sister Samantha wants is to hang with the cool kids. When their parents head out of town one Halloween weekend, an all-time rager of a teen house party turns to terror when aliens attack, forcing the siblings to band together to survive the night.”

A better solution: we should send ALL our teenagers to the alien’s planet to crash their ragers. 

YULETIDE HORROR / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Directed by Ethan Evans and produced by Jess Bartlett and Kieran Nolan Jones, Yuletide Horror is a feature-length documentary exploring the terrifying history of Christmas horror folklore and cinema, from Black Christmas, Gremlins, Silent Night, Deadly Night and beyond.”

And the soundtrack could be (wait for it)…wrap music.

Space Trippin’, Corpse Cop-A-Feel, Intrusive Intruders

Here’s another thing you didn’t know you needed: Relic of a Jupiter Tomb statuettes. How you thought you’d get through life without ‘em is the million dollar question. Or rather, $325.00, which is the cost of owning one of these crazy cool and colorful and limited to 300 worldwide art pieces. To sweeten the pot, each statuette is hand-painted and airbrushed by master statue craftsmen, making each individual piece unique.

So what exactly are these things? Looks like something a hippie would dream of while tripping on Grateful Dead-grade acid. The artist known as Skinner writes of the statue’s origins: “The men found the relic within the monolithic sarcophagus of Jupiter. They had been trapped for days now, the storm outside having destroyed their ship, leaving them stranded. It was lucky that their space suits had kept them alive this long, but the oxygen wouldn’t last another day…”

Which reminds me — I need to get that hole in my space suit repaired before heading to the store. These statuettes, though, come with a two-sided removable helmet, which can be flipped to present a different design on each side. They come in a “soft touch” collector art box and ship with a certificate of authenticity signed by the House of Gog guys. Preorder ’em here.

While you go rummaging around a monolithic sarcophagus on Jupiter (Uber™ doesn’t go there, so just take the Space Shuttle), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not put YET ANOTHER embarrassing hole in your space suit…

THE ANCHOR / Out now (Screambox™)

“Sera, a nightly news anchor, receives a distressing phone call from a mother saying that a man is going to kill her and that Sera is the only one capable of solving her murder. When she discovers that the caller is real, Sera digs deeper into the case to reveal the shocking truth.”

The only calls I get are from guys with Indian accents named Jerry saying they’re calling from a tech support office in Ohio to tell me my computer is infected with a virus and that they can fix it for $798.00. Fairly priced. 

CONFESSIONS OF A NECROPHILE GIRL / December 2022 (DVD)

“Based on the true life story of American necrophile Karen Greenlee. Karen relives the most important moments of her life through a video diary, from childhood to first love and the scandal about her sexual attraction for corpses.”

Not sure where one draws the line with this subject matter, but if your bar is set high for watching live people have sex with dead people, give Nekromantic (1988) a loving gaze.

BERMUDA ISLAND / January 20, 2023 (Blu-ray/DVD/VOD/Select Theaters)

“Passengers on their way to a tropical paradise crash at sea and find themselves on a deserted island. Desperate to survive the elements and infighting between survivors, they find that the island has more in store for them than they could ever imagine.”

Like what exactly — exploding coconuts? Inflatable mermaids? Monkey butlers? Should be all of that.

GO AWAY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Liz and her boyfriend Mark travel to a remote home in the woods to visit Sherry, her estranged mother. As Liz and the rest of her family try to put their differences aside long enough to survive dinner, an unexpected knock at the door turns into deadly chaos when a group of masked intruders take the family hostage and force them to play a deadly game of hide and seek.”

Social protocol dictates you call first before dropping by. Masked intruders can be so rude. 

Star Warfare, Multiverse Monsters, Funeral Fun

If you’re partial to UFOs, Frankenstein, Samurai and vaudeville phantoms, then you need to visit ThirteenthFloor.us and immerse yourselfie in the fantastical art of Billy Ludwig, an ingenious artist dealing in mixed media, which is the artistic version of mixed martial arts. Kinda. 

Ludwig’s take on flying saucers and pop culture icons is kitschy fun. But where his talent goes next level is by juxtaposing vintage images of WWII and Star Wars: At-At Walkers, X-Wings and TIE Fighters engaging with Spitfires, battleships, bazookas, ground troops and more. As if that wasn’t cool enough, these art pieces are in black and white (one, even, being vintage colorized), lending a tangible sense of realism to make you believe this is how the war REALLY went down. Did for me, anyway.

The art is printed on high quality 12 pt. gloss card stock and sell for an average of $15. You couldn’t buy a glass of refreshing Yatooni Boska at the Mos Eisley Cantina on Tatooine with twice those New Republic credits. There’s also books and shirts emblazoned with Ludwig’s innovative designs.

So whether you wave your flag for the US Armed Forces and the Rebel Alliance or side with the Republican-led Empire, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as tasty as a cup of the Cantina’s house special: Blue Milk, which, of course, comes from female banthas. Try not to think about it…

WAKING KARMA / Out now (VOD)

“When high school senior Karma’s estranged cult leader father traps her and her mother in a remote forest compound, she must survive a series of psychological trials meant to prepare her for a strange and deadly reincarnation ritual.”

And if she gets older, Karma will look back on her high school days as the best time of her life.

2025 ARMAGEDDON / December 23, 2022 (VOD)

“A militant alien race launches an attack on Earth using gigantic creatures and geological disasters all based on those found on The Asylum’s Movie Channel signal, which reached their planet.”

Finally — the film studio known for bold-face plagiarism of successful genre movies, have finally gone all in — they’re ripping off themselves. 

SCREAMS FROM THE SWAMP / December 27, 2022 (VOD)

“When Angela’s husband and son die in hospital after a car crash, she takes it upon herself to seek justice against the doctor who operated on the pair. Desperation and obsession lead Angela into a paranoid state, dissociating her from reality. She follows the doctor day after day: behind the anonymous facade, the man hides a parallel life of depravity and murders committed together with his colleagues. Discovering these new horrors, Angela turns to dark otherworldly forces to find the strength to eliminate the killers. This decision leads her into a spiral of violence and hallucinations, where pleasure and fear intermingle but ultimately there is a high price to pay.”

Desperation, paranoia, disassociation with reality, hallucinations… You just met a Tug Tavern regular.

PLAY DEAD / Release pending 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“Criminology student Chloe fakes her own death to break into a morgue in order to retrieve a piece of evidence that ties her younger brother to a crime gone wrong. Once inside she quickly learns that the fearsome coroner uses the morgue as a front for a sick and twisted business. As a frightening game of cat and mouse ensues, Isabel discovers that the scariest thing about the morgue is not the dead, but the living.”

And just what sick and twisted business would the coroner use the morgue for? A cannibal pop-up? Embalming stand? Necrophiliac kissing booth? Regardless of these guaranteed money-making ideas, you gotta appreciate his entrepreneurial spirit.