Archive for September, 2013

A Brain Is For Eating. Duh.

Posted in Zombies with tags , , , , , on September 30, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

A Brain Is For Eating

A book that teaches kids – zombie or not – how to eat brains. Oh, how I wish I had this book as a kid. I spent my entire youth choking down “vegetables” when I could’ve had a juicy noggin as the most important meal of the day.

A Brain Is For Eating, written by Dan and Amelia Jacobs (what are the odds they have the same last name?) and illustrated by Scott Brundage, could end up being THE coffee table book of the year. Or, if you’re one of those annoying tech gadget freaks, THE e-book of the year.

A Brain Is For Eating

40 pages of brilliance that shows zombie kids how to find and savor their next meal. Example: “Though brains is our diet, let’s not waste a sliver, enjoy heart, spleen and lungs, both kidneys and liver.” The only thing cool I ate as a kid was anything buried in sugar. I’ve wasted my life.

So yeah, you need to own this book. Click HERE to get a copy, which ranges in price from $19.99 for hardcover and $9.99 for your iPad™ or Kindle™, whatever those are.

Revolving Door Future

Posted in Fantasy, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , on September 28, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Franklyn

In the 2009 sci-fi stunner Franklyn, there exists several parallel cities – one in the present and one in the future – with inter-connecting heavy metal dramas happening in each at the same time.

Franklyn

This scenario totally messes with your head. Especially when one minute you’re watching a masked vigilante in Meanwhile City – a place that looks like a steampunk version of London, doing battle with The Nemesis – then the next you’re seeing a present day suicidal art student looking to create the ultimate art project, and another heartbroken dude who really needs to get over his ex. (She’s gone man, deal with it.)

Franklyn

The head-twisting surrealism blends the story lines together and brings them back in the final scene so artfully, you’ll slap your own face as if to say “Wow!”

Franklyn

Yeah, it’ll be confusing for a while, but the pay-off is as sweet as sci-fi Sweet ’n Low™.

OK, that sounded just plain dumb. I blame the other me in the parallel city. I just hate that guy so much.

Computer Ghost

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , on September 27, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ghost In The Machine

A crazy mean serial murderer believably comes back to life as electricity after crashing his car on the way to kill a single working mom. That totally makes sense.

Ghost In The Machine

As an evil electrical current he can get inside a host of handy kitchen appliances, which he uses to zap the gorgeous baby-sitter whom the young boys she’s sitting, pay her cash money to lift up her shirt. (Why did I spend all my allowance on comic books when I could’ve put my puberty on fast-forward? Sometimes I can’t believe how stupid I was.) But like the “ghost,” you don’t get to see anything.

Ghost On The Machine

Things start to really byte when the killer gets inside the family’s computer. He wants to delete them all. Heh.

Ghost In The Machine

Ghost In the Machine (title taken from British philosopher Gilbert Ryle’s derogatory description for René Descartes’ mind-body dualism and/or the Police album of the same name featuring the snappy 1981 song, “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic”) is kinda sorta maybe cool given that it came out in 1993 and computers weren’t anywhere near the life-destroying machines they are today.

Godzilla Snow Cone

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on September 26, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla Raids Again

Curious, this Godzilla Raids Again (1955) as it was originally released in Japan as Godzilla’s Counterattack and then later in 1959 Gigantis, The Fire Monster in the U.S. Why would anyone want to wreck Godzilla’s christian name by calling him Gigantis? This makes my tummy hurt and my face very upside down happy face.

Godzilla was killed to the bones in the original 1954 movie, so they brought him back exactly as before, except with a different name. Didn’t fool anyone. They should’ve made him wear a hat and fake glasses.

Godzilla Raids Again

A volcano wakens Godzilla/Gigantis and he gets into a chest bump with Anguirus, a giant porcupine that looks like four-legged toilet brush. Madcap craziness ensues.

Godzilla Raids Again

Problems I continue to have with Godzilla Raids Again: The U.S. version was clearly edited by a meat butcher. Gaping chunks of the movie’s narrative were summarily tossed in order to speed up the action. And they changed Godzilla’s iconic roar. That’s like turning Pavarotti’s operatic tenor into a mezzo-soprano.

Godzilla Raids Again

So how did Japan stop Godzilla, the Captain of Crunch, from completely Riverdancing the entire town into landfill? They shot missiles into a snowy mountain, thereby causing an avalanche that buried Godzilla up to his ass in…ice cubes. The kind you put into 40 gallon cocktails. No massive jolts of electricity or discount napalm. Just frozen water squares.

Just thinking about it is taking me to Frown-y Town.

Canadian Alien

Posted in Aliens, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , on September 25, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Infected

Infected (2008), a genre derivative Canadian television adventure/science-fiction thriller, is also known as They’re Among Us and The Hatching. Stinkweed by any other name is still stinkweed.

Infected

An X-Files re-dux, which also borrows heavily from Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956), a newspaper reporter and his ex-girlfriend (also a reporter, who won’t put it on the glass for him anymore), uncover an extraterrestrial plan to take over human bodies so that aliens can live more comfortably on this toilet Earth.

Infected

Most of Infected is spent running, hiding, and uncovering proof of the colonization. What little pay-off there is comes in the form of a naked humans wrapped in sheets that probably won’t be able to be cleaned and kept under alien sedation in a facility that looks suspiciously like my proctologist’s office.

Infected

Once the aliens have been outed their true selves emerge, looking like a cross between a lobster and black. The reporter risks his neck to save his ex, who previously did not want to put it on the glass for him anymore. But it’s amazing how alien intervention can mend broken glass.

So does Infected end happily for the aliens or the humans? I am beyond caring. 

Friday the 13th, 2455

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , on September 24, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jason X

So how did Jason, the unstoppable killer of camp counselors at Crystal Lake, end up on a 24th century spaceship with a new hockey mask and his a shiny new stabby device?

Jason X

For starters, he was eventually caught and put in suspended animation (just like the plot of all the nine Friday the 13th movies that came before this one), being thawed out 500 years later at the Crystal Lake Research Facility (oh, good grief).

Jason X

During a misunderstanding about future manners and protocol, Jason gets loose and resumes the doom. During his killing spree, Jason’s legs and arms get sheared off. But as this is the future, they can rebuild him.

Jason X

Seems the people of tomorrow are just as stupid as the people of today. Jason is reconstructed as an unstoppable killing machine, punching heads off and the what not. Note: future people scream, bleed and die, just like their dumbass ancestors.

Jason X

If you think Jason X (2001) is a laugh, then the ending will make you hurl previously injested proteins and starches.

In space, no one can hear you chuck.

Heavy Metal King Kong

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 23, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

King Kong Escapes

That flaming a**hook Dr. Who has an evil plan so complex it couldn’t possibly fail. An unnamed country – as represented by the alluring-yet-undatable Madame Piranha – needs Element X, a radioactive organic material found in the North Pole’s ice hole. With it they can fashion designer nuclear bombs and, by extension, rule the world.

King Kong Escapes

Dr. Who has been contracted by said unnamed country to mine said radioactive mineral. So he builds Mecha-Kong, a 60-foot replica of King Kong, to dig it out. Because MK’s a robot, it’ll be able to withstand the rock’s harmful glowing rays and…oops, Mecha-Kong shorted out and can’t do the minimum-wage job he was hired for.

King Kong Escapes

The plan is changed to hunt down the real King Kong on the south seas island of Mondo and take him to the North Pole after they hypnotize him into working long hours with no employee benefits. This actually works. Kinda.

King Kong Escape

Kong’s hairless-but-real friends – a U.S. submarine commander, his second-in-command and a blonde nurse with a weird voice – race to assist our fuzzy hero as he swims to Japan to have a re-match with Mecha-Kong. (An earlier bout had Mecha-Kong punching Regular Kong in the face with a banana-loosening roadhouse right.) Payback’s a b*tch as Regular Kong pursues Mecha-Kong up the Tokyo Tower and returns the Hawaiian punch sustained earlier.

King Kong Escapes

As fun as King Kong Escapes (1967) movie is, a couple of issues need to be addressed. 1. Mecha-Kong does not slip on the North Pole’s slick permafrost, even though his feet are made of non-grip metal. 2. Regular Kong doesn’t get drunk on jungle juice and make cool faces like he did in King Kong Vs. Godzilla (1962). 3. While under hypnosis Kong understands English commands. (That hairy butt always pretends to “no comprende´” whenever I want him to do stuff.)

King Kong Escapes

Lastly, their movie names are “Kingukongu” and “Mekanikongu.” That does not work for me. What does work for me is watching giant monsters punching each other in the nuts. So, like, mission accomplished.