Archive for March, 2013

Bigfoot – Happy Entrails To You

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , on March 31, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bigfoot – Beyond The Lost Coast Tapes

Dang it. I hate when sequels come out to movies I haven’t seen yet, as is the case for The Lost Coast Tapes (2012), a horror movie about a murder-minded Sasquatch with fur of doom.

Now, seemingly a few short months later, comes Bigfoot – Beyond The Lost Coast Tapes. It comes out sometime in 2013, which still may give me time to get caught up, because I have it on my “who Bigfoot killed today” list.

The Lost Coast Tapes

To get you caught up, in The Lost Coast Tapes a “Bigfoot hunter” claims to possess the body of a dead Sasquatch. To gum things up, a disgraced investigative journalist stakes his comeback – and the lives of his documentary film crew – on proving the find to be a hoax. What a dick.

As briefly mentioned, I haven’t seen The Lost Coast Tapes yet, but I am crossing something in hopes that Bigfoot opens everyone’s torsos like a Christmas present, then decorates the forest in festive entrails.

I can only speculate as to what goes down in Bigfoot – Beyond The Lost Coast Tapes. Hopefully, Pine cones will be shoved in places where there were no pine cones before. That’d be fun to watch, but, like, not to experience.

Really Boring Zombies. Really.

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , on March 30, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Edge of Darkness

Zombies can only do two things: eat as much as they want and never gain any weight, and take over the world. As always and forever, the undead roam the Earth while survivors try and not to look like food. Don’t worry – if a zombie eats you, it won’t need to hit the gym due to ingesting your saturated fat ass.

Edge of Darkness

The hungry zombie in the hopelessly generically titled Edges of Darkness (2009), are “conveniently” exploited in three stories here: a hot chick with a sour attitude, who searches for additional survivors and packs a lot of heat (both ammo and fashion sense); a young, foul-mouthed African-American couple who are really vampires looking for human food as well as the zombies; and another young couple, one a computer nerd, the other a needy, whiny Jewish princess.

How are these elements related? They aren’t. And how satisfying is it to have the plot jump around with little regard to scripting feng shui? Not at all.

Edge of Darkness

The vampire couple find a hot chick and bring her home to feed on. They have to take only a little fun gulps at a time because human blood is scarce, and zombie blood makes them gassy. This gal’s secret weapon is that her blood is somehow tainted. Probably with poison or something.

The computer nerd enhances his PC with a unique upgrade that turns the machine into a life-form that sprouts vine-like tendrils and sucks the “power source” out of humans. This, by the way, is the very definition of pointless.

Edge of Darkness

The survivalist supermodel, who earlier rescued an African-American mom and her 10 year-old son, finds out the kid is actually the Anti-Christ and that some Holy guys are after him as much as the zombies. Now would be a good time to go, “Huh?”

Edge of Darkness

The initial flesh-eating sequence is like watching a 50%-off sale at a cannibal butcher shop. But subsequent zombie action takes a back eat, uh seat, to these bone-headed plot elements. And why there’s no nudity is both depressing and disappointing.

Edge of Darkness

Yeah, the zombies finally break into the apartment building where all the talk-talk is going on. But by then it’s too late, as you’ve already eaten your own flesh to keep from falling asleep waiting for something to happen that wasn’t totally stupid. (Hint: smear some butter or jelly on your arm first – it’s not half bad.)

An Eyeful of Aliens

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, UFOs with tags , , , , , on March 28, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Eye Creatures

The Eye Creatures (1965) is also known as Attack of the Eye Creatures. Also known as a really dumb sci-fi movie. Why do eye say that? Eye don’t know. Actually, eye do. Eye just wanted to work in that awesome twist of word dealie. Heh.

The Eye Creatures

The military has been keeping their EYE on flying saucers that’ve been buzzing Earth. A UFO lands near a place where teens park their cars and make-out because they didn’t know how to have sex back in the early ’60s.

The Eye Creatures

Stan and his girlfriend run over an alien after dry humping in Lip Lock Park (my name, not theirs), and severe its hand. The creature looks like a herpes-infected Michelin’s™ Tire Man icon with six more beady eyes and a slimy gaping mouth. This reminds me of wet marshmallows for some reason. The thought of wet marshmallows makes me pee shudder – and not in a good way.

The Eye Creatures

Reporting the accident to the cops, Stan and his hot trim didn’t know a drifter had also been in the area, saw the saucer/creatures, and died of a heart attack. (And other booze related health issues, more than likely.) The cops think that’s the body Stan hit and arrest him. And thus begins Stan’s life of crime.

The Eye Creatures

The military blows up the spaceship, but didn’t know the aliens were out picking berries and/or berry-flavored brains in the woods. Don’t worry about the extraterrestrials having no way to get back home – they blow up when exposed to light. Since the military can’t figure out how to conquer the herpes aliens, it’s up to the dry humping teens to save the day. And they kiss like two wet marshmallows being rubbed together. Ick.

The Eye Creatures

Part sci-fi, part comedy, all boring. If you have more than two eyes, you’ll find it hard to keep ’em open all the way through this nap-inducer.

Slimy Fish God

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , on March 26, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dagon

Dagon is a slimy fish god who lives in the ocean and craves a supermodel to mate with in order to create a hybrid thingamajig (minus a slice of lemon and a side of tartar).

An island of smelly fishermen who couldn’t catch any fish summoned Dagon for a little help. Big D rewarded them with many stinky fish and gold and promised them eternal life, only if they revoke their Christianity permits.

Dagon

As with all blasphemy, however, there’s a price to be paid. The island residents are slowing mutating into grotesque fish creatures who make noises that sound like a cross between a defective whoopee cushion and Flipper going through withdrawals.

Dagon

A sailboat carrying a nerd and a stripper quality wife make it to the cursed island after the vessel, as if piloted by Gilligan himself, smashes into a sea rock. While trying to get some help, the couple is separated and the nerdy guy spends the whole movie trying to escape from the squishy, slimy cod folk.

Dagon

His wife, unfortunately, is up to her gills in trouble as she’s selected to be the host for Dagon’s perverted mating ritual. Meanwhile, nerdy husband, who dreamt of topless mermaids with piranha teeth, finds out he may not be what he thought he was.

Dagon

His new girlfriend is hot for his caviar, but she has tentacles and smells like fish, which is a turn-off come spawning time. The salmon people look really cool, though Dagon himself is a disappointing combination of Art Institute computer effects and wet fart sounds.

Dagon

The best part – other than the sacrificial stripper being lowered into the aquatic dwelling of Dagon – is the de-skinning of a drunken bum’s head. In a really flinchy scene, the fish people cut around the bum’s head and eyes and pull his skin clean off, as though removing a really tight knit cap. A different sort of haircut, it provides them new faces to wear until their mutation is complete. You already know the ending.

Dagon (2001) is sick, horrifying and repulsive, which means fun for all!

Romantic Cannibalism in Black and White

Posted in Classic Horror, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , on March 25, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Graveyard Alive

Graveyard Alive (2003) is one of those tongue-in-cheek/campy takes on horror that’s actually kinda interesting, kinda like Cheez-Whiz™, but with blood and medical boobies.

Done as an eight-act play with dubbed voices (even though it isn’t a foreign flick), a farmer hick shows up at a hospital with an axe in his head. This doesn’t seem to bother him as he’s already dead after being infected by a viral thingamajig.

Graveyard Alive

Farmer Hatchet Gash falls for the mousey nurse and bites her hand. She slowly starts to turn into a zombie, which means she craves raw meat, easily found in the hospital’s morgue grocery store. She also smells like panty hose that hasn’t been changed in a month. This makes all the other doctors drawn to her like flies. I can’t explain it, either, but I can totally relate.

Graveyard Alive

As she eats more flesh, her decomposition reverses. The meaty goodness acts as a sort of fountain of youth, making her more sexy and sexually promiscuous. In other parts of the movie, the hospital’s supermodel nurse is getting jealous that the doctors no longer want to give her a pelvic examination, so she discovers her rival’s truth and sets out to make zombie nurse stop living/un-living.

Graveyard Alive

This is all done in a very comedic sort of way, kinda like a silent film. It’s also black and white, which means you’ll need to use your imagination as to the color of the bloody body parts the nurse graphically snacks on. (Think a slightly lighter shade of chartreuse, something in a spent tampon, perhaps.)

Every so often I open my brain to let a little art in.

Rodan – Flapping Destruction

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , on March 23, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rodan

Car-sized bugs are eating the workers in an underground mining operation. (The miners were mining for car-sized bugs).

Rodan

Upon further investigation (i.e., or aiyeee!), following the bugs deeper underground, a giant egg is discovered. And right as the authorities get there, the egg cracks open and an airplane-sized bird creature pops out. Talk about timing.

Rodan

The bird is instantly hungry and starts eating the bugs. Okay, that problem solved. But the bird emerges from his shell and takes off, flying at supersonic speeds around the world. Since he’s moving so fast, people think it’s a UFO, which it kinda is because they don’t know what the hell it could be, hence the term “unidentified.”

Rodan

Through with his site-seeing trip, the bird (or “Rodan” – pronounced “Row Dan”) ends up back where he started and begins re-designing the landscape with his whooshing around.

Navy jets are in pursuit, but Rodan can dive into the water, whereas they can’t. The city is being ravaged by the hurricane-winds kicked up by Rodan’s super-speed wing flapping and beak of doom. The blown humans might have figured out a way to bug-slap the monster, but all of a sudden, there’s TWO RODANS! Dang and/or curse the luck.

Rodan

I’m told this was the first monster movie filmed in color. I could’ve checked, but didn’t get around to it. But even in black and white, this Rodan (1956) would still rock and/or roll.

Sci-Fi Pie

Posted in Misc. Horror, Science Fiction with tags , on March 22, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Pi

Here’s an alternative lifestyle sci-fi movie to ponder. In Pi (1998), a mathematician guy is obsessed with finding the numerical order of the universe amongst all the chaos that is our stinking lives. And to think he could’ve been a janitor. (FYI: Pi is a mathematical constant, kinda like a “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” of equations.)

Pi

His quest is to find the mathematical code to predict the stock market. (In Vegas they call this “Keno”). A cutthroat corporation wants the keys to Wall Street and supplies the man with a super computer chip to assist his work. Meanwhile, a bunch of renegade left-wing Orthodox Jews want the code, as it was foretold to reveal the true name of God. (It’s Jerry. All praise Jerry.)

Pi

The math man has yet another monkey on his back – he’s prone to seizures and hallucinations of sticky brains in the subway and bathroom sink. (Ajax™ should be able to get rid of it with just a little scrubbing. Not Pine-sol™, though. That crap will make your bathroom smell like a friggin’ super pine cone.) And there’s an unpleasant piercing noise in his head that randomly goes off like a car alarm. (That actually seems like it’d be kinda fun.)

Pi

In the end he takes care of all his problems by introducing his cerebellum to his new friend the power drill. Finally he’s at peace as his noggin can no longer process numbers due to the brainectomy.

Pi

Filmed in black and white, π (pronounced “pie,” as in math speak, not as in pumpkin) is slow-moving but gritty cool, though overly artsy. Clearly they needed some boobies to take this movie to the next level. That, or some pumpkin pie. With some Cool Whip™ maybe.