Archive for September, 2017

Undead Tribute, Get To Know Bigfoot, Death Personified

Posted in Aliens, Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 29, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Walking Dead

As hardcore The Walking Dead fans have burned into their iCalendars™, the 100th episode — and season eight AMC™ opener — happens on Sunday, October 22, 20017. (And you thought the total eclipse was worth watching.)

The Walking Dead

To celebrate/commemorate, TWD episode director/ makeup effects master Greg Nicotero teamed up with his insanity talented KNB FX design team to whip up some tasty tribute posters, all in the style of one of the coolest horror shows ever on TV. Included with the above slick tribute to Alien is zombie/star character homages to Back to the Future, The Thing, Thunderball and The Omega Man. Pretty swear word cool. (You can find them all by following Greg on Instagram™.)

As the countdown to The Walking Dead marches on, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that probably stole their ideas from all of the above…

Zombies

ZOMBIES (available now/VOD/Limited – October 31, 2017/DVD)
“When the world is in shambles, plagued by a zombie outbreak, only the strong will survive, but just how much determination will it take? Will Luke and his crew have enough ambition and ammunition to outlive the undead?”

The title and plot should tell you how high they set the bar for themselves. This is so stock, it should be sold in grocery stores next to canned soup and frozen TV dinners.

Death On Scenic Drive

DEATH ON SCENIC DRIVE (September 30, 3017/Hard Line Film Festival/Germany)
“During the cold winter months at a secluded countryside home, a young woman named Larissa encounters an entity that transforms her into Death itself. She reins violence against Dallas Henson and the family that resides there.”

Not sure why this one is being premiered in Germany when it’s Canadian-made. Bloody-Disgusting.com says Death On Scenic Drive is a “Gothic filled with gore, madness, weirdness, satanism and screeching, squelching music.” Sounds just like my upstairs neighbors on any given week night.

Discovering Bigfoot

DISCOVERING BIGFOOT (October 27, 2017/VOD/Limited)
“What we think we know of human origins and evolution is about to change forever as we discover the truth about a species that has remained elusive by outwitting and evading modern man for decades despite his best efforts. Journey into the heart of Sasquatch Country and experience three incredible days in the field with Bigfoot experts. This unprecedented feature film includes extraordinary never before seen Sasquatch footage that will shock the world. Witness a terrifying altercation between Sasquatch Researcher Todd Standing and three Sasquatch creatures in the wild.”

The trailer for this documentary purports to show “indisputable” photographic/video evidence of Bigfoot, and even go so far as to include a few snippets of said proof. I’m convinced — and you’re talkin’ to a guy who stands in line at the Puyallup Fair to get an autograph and a picture with a guy in a Bigfoot suit handing out hot tub clearance sale flyers. Say what you will about the mythical wood ape — that guy can sell ice cubes to an eskimo.

The Purge: Island

THE PURGE: ISLAND (July 4, 2018)
The Purge: Island is a prequel that will focus on the events that lead up to the very first Purge event, an experimental test on Staten Island.”

Cool, but I can’t wait for The Purge: Outer Space. In that one we get carte blanche to go all probe-y on those invasive aliens. They won’t know what violated their swimsuit/spacesuit area. Payback’s a b*tch, space b*tches — ha!

More Slashers, More Serial Killers, More Maniacs

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 28, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Pacific Rim: Uprising

Some advance key art for Pacific Rim: Uprising, the sequel to Pacific Rim (2013), which pay-per-viewed skyscraper-sized, human-controlled robots against skyscraper-sized, non-human monsters from another dimension that had a revolving door at the bottom of the ocean. PR: Uprising stomps through theaters March 23, 2018.

Pacific Rim: Uprising

As for what we can expect, more and bigger skyscraper-sized, human-controlled robots against skyscraper-sized, non-human monsters from another dimension. Not a bad thing, I should think. While we impatiently await the weapons of mass entertainment, here are a few horror movies that may or may not be from this alternate universe…

Crazy Lake

CRAZY LAKE (available now)
“A group of coeds looking for fun on spring break have their beach plans canceled and opt for Plan B – fun at a cabin on the lake. Sometimes Plan B can be a real killer!”

This couldn’t be more limp as undercooked bacon. Ironically, it sounds like the coeds will be sliced like bacon. We can only hope.

Lake Alice

LAKE ALICE (available now)
“The Thomas’ travel to their lakeside cabin in the woods for a joyous Christmas celebration with their daughter and her new boyfriend, but the joy is short-lived and the body count is high.”

There’s a real Lake Alice here in Washington, about a machete throw off the Interstate. Fishing opportunities include catchable-size Rainbow Trout stocked in the spring, with Largemouth Bass and Sunfish also present. The public access has parking, a boat ramp and vault toilets. No slashers, though. Sorry.

Cabin 28

CABIN 28 (available now)
“The shocking true story based on the most infamous unsolved murder case in American history. On April 11th 1981, Sue Sharp and her family are enjoying their stay at Cabin 28 in the peaceful holiday resort of Keddie. But a day of fun at the remote getaway turns into a heart stopping nightmare as nightfall brings masked strangers to the cabin. A brutal battle for survival leaves several members of the family dead and one missing. An extensive police investigation follows but no one is convicted of the crime. Now, over thirty years later, Cabin 28 finally gives up its deadly secret.”

Geez, they give away the entire plot in the press release. So we get to see a family slaughtered by slaughterers wearing clown masks. Not seeing a deadly secret here. That, and I’m really burnt out on clowns — circus, rodeo or bar drunks.

Tarnation

TARNATION (November 24, 2017/MonsterFest screening)
“When Oscar’s dreams of becoming a rock star are brutally crushed and her boyfriend leaves, Oscar travels to a ghost town called Tarnation where she and a group of friends have rented a cabin in the woods for a weekend away. Unfortunately the cabin is host to a cursed painting and the surrounding woods are literally, Satan’s playground. Oscar soon finds herself battling a demon unicorn, possessed souls and Satan himself in an epic battle for her soul.”

The plot is weak as wet toilet paper, but the demon unicorn is kinda neat. That’s right up there with a wiccan penguin, mad cow and/or a schizophrenic monkey butler. Last thought: If she goes to a ghost town, how is it she and her soon-to-be expired friends able to rent a cabin? Couldn’t you just, like, stay there for free? Sure, no concierge or mini-bar. But hey, the price is right.

TV Exorcisms, Human Shake ’n Bake, Family Ghosts

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 27, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Exorcist: Chapter Two

Diggin’ the latest teaser key art for The Exorcist, Chapter 2, which premiers September 29, 2017 on Fox™. The first season was suprisingly cool as sick, so I look forward to being possessed by the second season. My only hope is that they’ll show more evil throw up scenes as I’m tired of seeing it performed live in dive bars.

Speaking of public displays of affection, here are a few now recently released horror movies (trying to get through the backload) that may or may not give you a case of the technicolor yawns…

The Evil Within

THE EVIL WITHIN (available now)
“A lonely, mentally handicapped boy who befriends his reflection in an antique mirror. This demonic creature orders him to go on a murderous rampage to kill the people he loves most.”

I don’t like the guy in my mirror. While the reflection doesn’t at first appear to be too demonic, he always seems so smug and constantly fussing with his hair as if some sort of diva doppelgänger. And when he brushes his teeth, he looks like a rabid dog and gets Colgate™ foam all over the mirror and his shirt — and just leaves it there! What a tool.

Revelator

REVELATOR (available now)
John Dunning, a disgraced psychic who sees the dead, is thrust in the midst of the embattled Bellvue family empire, and must investigate the suspicious death of the last heir, while cynical journalist Valerie Kreuger documents his every move; but when the death is ruled a murder and John the sole suspect, he must venture into the depths of madness to uncover the truth about the family and their power, before he loses his mind — or worse.”

Isn’t the term “disgraced psychic” an oxymoron? As for venturing into the depths of madness, isn’t that called “Congress”? If I were to hire a pyschic, I’d ask him/her if there’s a beer in my future and… Wait, I must be a psychic as I’m foretelling the answer as being a resounding yes! I bet I’m an heir to at least a keg’s worth. Sweet!

200 Degrees

200 DEGREES (available now)
“A stock broker awakens inside a sealed industrial kiln. A mysterious voice informs him that if he does not hand over $1 million, the temperature inside will steadily increase until he is burned alive.”

Kiln ’em all — heh. A million smackos doesn’t seem like too much to ask. Maybe the killer could charge different amounts for rare, medium, and well done. Restaurants do it all the time.

The Atoning

THE ATONING (available now)
Haunted by ghostly apparitions, two parents try to protect their son from a terrible secret from their past that could destroy their family.”

All families have terrible secrets. You don’t need ghosts to point that out. My terrible family secret is that we’re all normal. I feel so ashamed. Don’t look at me.

Finding UFOs, Imagined Ghosts, Whiskey Cake

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Scream Queens, Slashers, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 26, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

UFO Detector

Found this old UFO Detector ad and it got me thinking — my old one is on its last legs and I need a new UFO Detector with more buttons and shinier lights. That means it’ll work better.

So did my old UFO Detector — purchased on eBay™ for $800 actually work? Yes and no. Yes, in that it kept detecting things I was cooking (unidentified frying objects). No, in that I was unable to get a refund.

Speaking of getting your money back for bogus products, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not detect anything but how much disposable income you have in your wallet and how few operating brain cells you have left in your head…

The Basement

THE BASEMENT (October 7, 2017/ Shriekfest Film Festival)
“An L.A. serial killer known as The Gemini, tortures and ultimately murders his victims in the dungeon-like basement of his San Fernando Valley home. Gemini has already claimed seven victims, all of whom he has horrifyingly maimed and decapitated with a blowtorch, but Craig Owen, the famed musician who Gemini has chosen for his eighth victim, and Craig’s beautiful wife Kelly prove every bit the killers equal in the art of psychological warfare, giving rise to one of the more diabolical plot twists in recent memory.”

Maimed and decapitated with a blowtorch. Along with peanut butter and olive loaf sandwiches, several words you probably wish to never hear again. But apparently there are enough torture porn freaks out there (looking in your direction every one of you) to make this a mouth-curling viewing experience.

1922

1922 (October 29, 2017/Netflix™)
1922 is based on Stephen King’s 131-page story telling of a man’s confession of his wife’s murder. The tale is told from the perspective of Wilfred James, the story’s unreliable narrator who admits to killing his wife, Arlette, with his son in Nebraska. But after he buries her body, he finds himself terrorized by rats and, as his life begins to unravel, becomes convinced his wife is haunting him.”

Horror author icon Stephen King continues his hot streak with this offering of old time-y ghosts, real or imagined. The rats are real, though. They make up most of the population of Nebraska from what the Internet tells me. I want to believe.

Halloween Pussy Trap KIll! Kill!

HALLOWEEN PUSSY TRAP KILL! KILL! (October 27, 2017)
“On Halloween an all girl rock-n-roll band called Kill Pussy Kill ventures out to play their biggest show to date. However, before hitting the road they manage to unwittingly upset a man. Unfortunately, this man turns out to be an evil genius dead set on revenge and manages to lure the girls into his Hell House. When they wake up from being gassed, they find themselves trapped inside an inescapable room filled with a vicious variety of devices that can kill them as well as a variety of weapons that can be used on each other. The rules are simple: advance through all three rooms and you are allowed to go free. The catch is, in order to make it to the next room, someone must die! With a ticking clock, and the mastermind watching, the question becomes — are you willing to kill to stay alive?”

A nice homage to Russ MeyersFaster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! (1965). That one has voluptuous, sadistic go-go dancers causing all sorts of misc. heckaroo. Halloween Pussy Trap Kill! Kill! sounds like a segment from any one of the Saw movies. I prefer go-go dancers with a penchant for low-cut fashion-ware and purse cutlery.

Impossible Horror

IMPOSSIBLE HORROR (2018)
“Every night a scream rings out in the same neighborhood. Two insomniac strangers, Lily the filmmaker and Hannah the game designer, head out together into the darkness to find the cause. Is it a psychotic killer claiming a new victim? A murderous ghost out for revenge? A flesh-eating monster? All of the above with extra chainsaws? Before they know it, Lily and Hannah have gone from being scream hunters to scream prey, and an evil force wants them dead.  If they can both survive the night, they may just find the answers they’re looking for, but the price will have to be paid in sanity and blood.”

Sounds like another typical night at TGI Fridays™. And yes, “evil force” is on their menu under desserts: Tennessee Whiskey Cake (Toffee cake, candied pecans, vanilla ice cream. Butterscotch Jack Daniel’s® Whiskey sauce.) The price is whatever the going rate for a soul is these days.

Boos Cruise

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 25, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Lost Voyage

Twenty-five years ago, an eight-year-old boy watched his father leave on a honeymoon cruise into the Bermuda Triangle with a spanking new, market fresh wife. Two minutes into the movie and they don’t even let you know if the ex-wife’s brains were eaten by a zombie or if it was a nasty divorce. Geez.

Lost Voyage

During the cruise, lightning flashes like an epileptic’s worse nightmare and rain pummels the ocean, making it even wetter. The radar scope shows something big headed their way, but no one can see it as it’s evil. All of a sudden the luxury liner is engulfed in gnarly, roiling clouds. (Roiling is such a neat word.) In the belly of these roiling clouds are demonic spirits that fly around and wreck stuff. Then the ship disappears. Freakin’ A!

Lost Voyage

Flash forward to present day and the boy is now a parapsychologist (meaning he’s unemployed). In a maneuver that could only happen in the movies and/or parallel universe, the boat reappears in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle. Before the Coast Guard can arrest it for floating without a license, a TV show that does supernatural documentaries hires a salvage crew and talks the parapsychologist into flying out to the boat to unravel the roiling mystery, and maybe find out what happened to his parents.

Lost Voyage

There’s a storm outside and the sea is roiling. They find the ship is completely intact, with the freshness of food and booze intact. No dad or new mom, though. As the evil cloud begins engulfing S.S. Royally Screwed, ghosts (or “specters”) fly around like demon-powered bottle rockets. Will their helicopter make it back in time to save them? Will Lost Voyage’s (2001) limp action turn your lunch into a roiling seafood platter? Will its goofy special effects provide a suitable substitute for the lack of gratuitous gore and/or roiling nudity? Do you like burning money?

Fingernail Monsters, Rubber Killers, Haunted Pancakes

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 23, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Georgetown Morgue

Lots of towns across the classroom map have annual charity haunted house events during the Halloween cash-in season. But Seattle, where I stash my empties, has a haunted morgue. Specifically, the Georgetown Morgue, a once refrigerated storage place to prep and primp corpses, in thriving business from 1928 to 1983. It’s since been turned into an extremely popular (and expensive) haunted house attraction every late September/early November.

What else makes this place so legendary cool is that it’s right next door to Hudson, a tiny breakfast/lunch/dinner/drinketeria, that’s so popular for its legendary pancakes (thicker than the plates they’re served on), if you don’t get there early, you’ll end up waiting in a line that stretches right to the Georgetown Morgue. The irony being that if you eat enough of those highly addictive chunky monkey pancakes, you’ll eventually end up in the morgue. (Blame the whole sticks of butter and overflowing quarts of syrup that come with each meal.)

Hudson

The 2017 Georgetown Morgue Halloween schedule starts September 22 and runs through November 4. Standard nights will set you back a spooky $33.00 (Sunday through Thursday) and an adjusted value of $43.00 for prime Fridays and Saturdays — and that’s the VIP speedy line. (FYI: this will get you nine pancakes at Hudson — tip extra.)

While you wait in line to get in both the Georgetown Morgue and Hudson, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to help keep your appetite for butter batter and syrup buckets full…

Clawed

CLAWED (available now)
“Annie, a college student travels to the rugged backwoods of Montana to the home of legendary lawman Sheriff Randell Reynolds, where she will interview him for her paranormal podcast. The ex-lawman gives her a first-hand account of the horrific events known throughout the region as the notorious Montana Bear Claw Massacre.”

This one was earlier/tentatively titled, Sludge. Gotta say, there’s something very satisfying about that word. Maybe because it can be applied to a variety of social situations/church services. So do they come up against a giant donut (Bear Claw, get it?) Doing battle with a monstrous pastry in the woods seems like it’d be pretty cool. I’m totally gonna try it.

Cult of Chucky

CULT OF CHUCKY (October 3, 2017/VOD/DVD)
Confined to an asylum for the criminally insane for the past four years, Nica Pierce is erroneously convinced that she, not Chucky, murdered her entire family. But when her psychiatrist introduces a new therapeutic “tool” to facilitate his patients’ group sessions — an all-too-familiar ‘Good Guy’ doll with an innocently smiling face — a string of grisly deaths begins to plague the asylum, and Nica starts to wonder if maybe she isn’t crazy after all.

Child's Play

Andy Barclay, Chucky’s now-grown-up nemesis from the original Child’s Play, races to Nica’s aid. But to save her he’ll have to get past Tiffany, Chucky’s long-ago bride, who will do anything, no matter how deadly or depraved, to help her beloved devil doll.”

Man, they’ve milked this cow hard. The first Child’s Play movie came out in 1988 — and now nearly 30 years and six sequels later, we’re still wondering how this happened. It’s like that joke you heard in elementary school that you keep repeating in bars/cocktail lounges as an adult. (Okay, guilty as charged. But dang, if the joke about the guy stumbling into a joke writer’s convention still kills me. If you don’t know how it goes, happy to re-tell it for the one millionth time.)

FOUND FOOTAGE 3D (October 26, 2017/Shudder)
“A group of low-budget filmmakers sets out to make ‘the first 3D found footage horror film,’ but find themselves in the first 3D found footage horror film when the evil entity from their movie escapes into their behind-the-scenes footage.”

You knew it was gonna end up this way. The karaoke of consumer-made “horror movies,” found footage has become such a painful joke, they’re gonna make you wear stupid cardboard “3D” glasses to watch their stupid concept. If the evil entity was smart, it’d not only escape the movie, but get on the next Bolt™ bus outta town.

Claws

CLAWS (2017)
Not to be confused with the 1977 nature-gone-wild horror movie or TV series that I won’t watch of the same name. That said, AMP Entertainment posted a developMENTAL trailer on YouTube™ back in April of 2014. Lost track of it since, until I recently stumbled right over it on the Internet of all places. Now it’s supposed to come out Christmas of 2017, which is like Halloween for Christians.

Claws

As the story goes a young kid, hiding behind the Christmas tree in hopes of discovering Santa’s secret identity (Saint Nick’s more of a home invasion kind of guy), watches as a “something” slaughters his family right before his peepers. Is it that super mean Krampus dude? Is it a holiday monster with some sort of “claw” instead of gift-wrapping fingers? Whatever the case, it didn’t take the cookies and milk that were left out, which means it’s more of a fresh meat fella. Have to wait a few more weeks to find out.

Extended Superheroes, Enlarged Chests, Shortened Life Spans

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 22, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Superman: The Movie

If you were alive back in February of 1982, you got to see Superman: The Movie (1978) play out on ABC over two nights — with an extra 40 minutes (!), previously edited out, completely restored.

If you weren’t alive back in 1982, you’ll get a chance to see all that additional footage — which includes longer looks at Krypton before its destruction, more time in Smallville, even more of John Williams’ iconic soundtrack, and more of Christopher Reeves in action as the Man of Steel — when it gets released on Blu-Ray. When, you ask? Dunno. Sources indicate before the end of 2017, but it could very well be 2018, the year that follows this one,

So 188 minutes of Superman. That’s pretty dang neato. And you can bet your red kryptonite the Blu-Ray will include lots of extras, like commentaries and cape cleaning tips. Until it arrives, you can while away your time on these upcoming/just released horror and sci-fi movies…

Space Boobs In Space

SPACE BOOBS IN SPACE: MILKING THE GALAXY (available now)
Exmin the Valkyrie returns from a deadly mission to find her bounty contains a bizarre program of glittery aliens, a fashion forward swamp monster, a vampire girl gang, and cheesy special effects from the most ridiculous corners of the galaxy.”

There is not one part of Space Boobs In Space’s press release I didn’t like. And I’m dying to find out what a “fashion forward swamp monster” is. Sounds like one of those last call gals at West Seattle Bowl.

Liferaft

LIFERAFT (available now)
“After their boat mysteriously sinks, a group of friends, with no supplies and strange happenings, try to trust each other long enough to survive.”

This one might’ve come out in 2016, but I just found it now, so no party foul on my part. As for the plight of the screaming floatables, this certainly borrows from The Reef (2010). In that one a boat reverse floats and everybody in the water becomes a fresh sheet item on a circling great white shark’s dinner menu. Don’t know if there’s a shark in Liferaft, though. Be cool if there was as the plot seems watered down. Ahem. P.S. I thought Liferaft was two words.

This Book Is Cursed

THIS BOOK IS CURSED (available now)
“After the occurrence at the Old Haney Logging Camp Road the survivor of the incident, Haus is convinced by his girlfriend Lynn to face his fears and return to the place his friends were brutal murdered. Haus has blacked out the event, and Lynn hopes that his memories will return if he confronts his fears. This is a horrible mistake indeed.”

And this is exactly why I never hang out on Old Haney Logging Camp Road. I hear tell of brutal murders and countless wood slivers, to say nothing of finger-shortening saw mishaps and hatchet nicks to the ankles. Better to hang out on Old Bandaged Wound Trail. Not far from what I hear.

Let Her Out

LET HER OUT (October 20, 2017)
“Helen, a bike courier, suffers a traumatic accident. As she recovers, she begins to experience strange episodic-black outs, hallucinations, and night terrors that lead her to discover that she has a tumor, a benign growth that is the remnants of a ‘vanishing twin’ absorbed in utero. Over time, the tumor manifests itself as the dark and demented version of a stranger. As Helen’s emotional and psychological state begins to deteriorate further and further, she begins to act out in psychotic episodes — influenced by her evil twin — making her a danger to herself and her best friend, Molly. It’s only a matter of time before this evil side of Helen will take her over completely.”

Great movie poster. The plot is familiar (I’m looking in your direction The Unborn/2009), but hey, I support possessed bike couriers. They do important work, despite often being absorbed by an in utero evil vanishing twin.