Archive for dead

Hellish Rock Stars, Gun Ghosts, Sequel Sharks

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 24, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Guitar Teacher From Hell

Clicked across this one while surfing for YET ANOTHER  black t-shirt to buy. Guitarist Acey Slade has created his own comic book series, Guitar Teacher From Hell ($4.99 for the printed comic/$1.99 for a digital download, which can be exchanged for money by clicking HERE). It’s so cool, I have to have it because I don’t know why.

From the press release: “Learning to play guitar is tough for everyone, but for 15-year-old Cory Conners it’s going to be Hell. Follow the torment as Cory learns how to play through legendary rock star guests hosted by Acey Slade who has teamed up with independent cartoonist Steven Reardon Jr. to create Guitar Teacher From Hell, a comic book series that plays on Faustian mythology portrayed in a dark comedy fantasy about the obsession young people have towards learning how to play the guitar.”

Acey Slade

Should probably get this now as I’ve been playing guitar for a number of years, though my neighbors think I only know how to play Iron Maiden, KISS and Black Sabbath. (Not all their songs, just one from each.)

Acey’s resume is a chart-topper: “Slade’s resume includes Rock & Roll Hall of Fame-inducted Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. In addition he has worked  with Misfits, Murderdolls and Dope. As a writer and producer, he has worked along side Earl Cohen (Lady Gaga/Jessica Simpson), Tom Camuso (Lenny Kravitz/DJ Logic/Ect). A New York-based musician with homes in Los Angeles and Taipei, Acey Slade has also been DJing and producing rock, hard rock, punk and pop for bands around the globe. He has engaged audiences with guitar clinics worldwide trekking from Moscow to Dallas. Other associated acts include: Trashlight Vision, Billy Liar, Amen, Rachel Lorin and Vampire Love Dolls.”

AND he has tattoos. I do, too, but mine come off in the shower. While I learn how to keep that from happening, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not permanently imprint themselves on your mind…

Blood Harvest

BLOOD HARVEST (November 21, 2017)
“A rural village is terrorized by an evil force that drains the blood from its victims. A discredited police detective, who believes the killings are the work of vampires, must team up with his former partner to uncover the truth.”

Vampires or discount doctors. Either or, the plot seems stock and played. What if the vampires were doctors? I would love to call my health insurance and go, “Yeah, I need to schedule a DAYTIME appointment with Dr. Vampire…” In addition to questionable medial practices/advice, it’d be cool if he/she could sell t-shirts in the waiting room with the kicker line: “Lose Blood Now — Ask Me How.”

Dawning of the Dead

DAWNING OF THE DEAD (December 5, 2017/VOD)
“While a virus that causes the dead to reanimate brings the world to its knees, the scientist responsible entrusts his cataclysmic findings to Katya Nevin, a troubled ex-war correspondent turned anchor-woman at W.W News. While she and the rest of her crew witness the collapse of society via video feeds from around the globe, a deadly special agent climbs the building floor by floor, his only goal to ensure her silence. Armed only with information and an indomitable will to live, Katya must overcome her crippling anxiety and learn to lead in order to make it out of the studio and into a terrifying new world where only the dead survive.”

There isn’t one thing original about this movie, which has been my major point of contention with the unending regurgitation of zombie movies. Wanna do something cool with zombies for a change? Start with set-in-Africa The Dead (2010) and/or South Korea’s Train To Busan (2016) and we’ll discuss.

Winchester: The House That Ghosts Built

WINCHESTER: THE HOUSE THAT GHOSTS BUILT (February 2, 2018)
“Inspired by true events. On an isolated stretch of land 50 miles outside of San Francisco sits the most haunted house in the world. Built by Sarah Winchester, heiress to the Winchester fortune, it is a house that knows no end. Constructed in an incessant twenty-four hour a day, seven day a week mania for decades, it stands seven stories tall and contains hundreds of rooms. To the outsider it looks like a monstrous monument to a disturbed woman’s madness. But Sarah is not building for herself, for her niece or for the brilliant Dr. Eric Price whom she has summoned to the house. She is building a prison, an asylum for hundreds of vengeful ghosts, and the most terrifying among them have a score to settle with the Winchesters.”

Great kicker line: “Terror is Building.” This house and its history actually exists. I wrote about it exactly one year to the day. Didn’t plan it that way, but I should be somehow rewarded, either with bit coins and/or candy. Can’t wait for this movie, even though its been done — poorly — a while back (i.e., Haunting of Winchester House/2009). Let’s hope they don’t suck the life out of this  ghost story. (Okay, that was funny.)

Deep Blue Sea 2

DEEP BLUE SEA 2 (2017/2018)
Dr. Klaus Van Etten experiments on bull sharks, much to the chagrin of Misty and her team of marine experts. The sharks get out and all hell breaks loose.”

That’s pretty much the same plot as Deep Blue Sea (1999), except Dr. Susan McAlester experimented on great white sharks that became mega aggressive/hungry and ate humans like they were peanut butter and jellyfish sandwiches.

Copy Cat Storms, Super Jewelry, Alien Doctors

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 14, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Justice League

With little more than a month to go (from this e-barfing) before the glorious day Justice League comes out (November 17, 2017, to belabor the point), now comes YET ANOTHER series of character posters of Batman, Cyborg, Aquaman, The Flash, Wonder Woman and…Green Lantern? Wait — how can that be? He should never have been let into the Justice League in the first place if all his power comes from jewelry. (Wonder Woman’s earrings are tougher than he is.)

Justice League

But be still, dear readers. The fan-made poster, magnificently done, comes from BossLogic, who also did a Superman version (complete with a Batman moustache). So you could call it fake news, or just marvel that it completes the set nicely and therefore your mom’s basement where you live because you can’t find a job will have balanced feng shui.

Justice League

While we contemplate the spiritual ramifications of a Chinese philosophical system of harmonizing everyone with the surrounding environment (even though it is closely linked to Taoism), here are a few just-released horror and sci-fi movies to play on your television. Be sure to feng shui (angle) it properly to invite peace (tell everyone to shut up) and prosperity (someone bring over some beer) to your living room…

AfterImages

AFTERIMAGES (available now/VOD)
“A collection of horror films appear in the ashes after a group of friends burn paper effigy cameras as offerings to the dead.”

Cool premise — wonder if that works with burning paper effigies of been cans as offerings to the thirsty dead? If a case of beer appears in the ashes, best to put it in the fridge for a while as beer that burns your tongue should be illegal. (It’s still beer, so don’t throw it away, you craft cocktail swilling snobs.)

Patient Seventeen

PATIENT SEVENTEEN (available now/VOD)
“A surgeon claims to remove highly advance implants, nanotechnology microchips embedded by aliens, non-humans monitoring our Earth. Discover the world of abductions, Scalar wave transmissions, and a program to study or manipulate the human race. Armed with a patient, a scalpel, black lights and a stud finder; we seek to verify the authenticity of this alleged Off-World Implant Technology.”

Couple of things — first, why does a surgeon need a stud finder? That’s like a proctologist using a turkey baster. Secondly, what the heck are Scalar wave transmissions? Got me curious so I clicked it up — “Scalar waves are also called electromagnetic longitudinal waves, Maxwellian waves, or Teslawellen (Tesla waves). Variants of the theory claim that Scalar electromagnetics (also known as Scalar energy) is the background quantum mechanical fluctuations and associated zero-point energies.” Like I understood one nanosecond of that.

My Litter Sister

MY LITTLE SISTER (available now/VOD)
“A group of friends go against warnings not to camp in the local woods, where a legendary monster named Little Sister is rumored to exist. As they defy all advice, one by one they soon fall victim to a family of deformed killers.”

Set ‘em up, knock ‘em down. As monster names go, a little more thought should’ve went into “Little Sister.” All little sisters are monsters, so not seeing the point where that would be scary.

Geo_Disaster

GEO-DISASTER (available now/VOD)
“A family in Los Angeles finds themselves in the center of a super volcano, a mega earthquake and a twister. While the world prepares for this near apocalyptic event, our heroes must survive on their own skills and wit to find safe passage.”

All you have to do is look at the title of this one and you’ll already know whose behind this preceding rip-off of Geo-Storm (2017) — The Asylum, a film studio globally known for being blatant movie plagiarists. You better hope they don’t get wind of the film biopic of your life — they’ll just change the title (make it plural) and recast you as a loser with cheap, digital special effects going off right next to your altered-just-enough-to-be-legal face.

Escape Room

ESCAPE ROOM (October 17, 2017)
To celebrate his 30th birthday, Tyler’s girlfriend, Kristen, takes him and two other couples to play the latest craze: ESCAPE ROOM. In an escape room, you are locked in a room and given one hour to figure out cryptic clues in order to escape. The group is led into a locked room and the clock starts ticking. They quickly sense something is wrong, the puzzles become increasingly difficult and increasingly deadly. One by one the escape room claims a new victim and the surviving players realize they are no longer playing a game; they are playing for their lives.”

Um, is this not the premise of Cube (1997) and/or Saw (2004)? I bet they went to a carnival funhouse or a corn maze to research the idea.

Icy Horror, Chilling Ghosts, Cold Demons

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 14, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Want a real life/real time horror story? A Yahoo!.com science article published on Thursday, July 13, 2017 stated that unchecked climate change will eventually lead to widespread devastation on Earth. To that I say, YEESH! intentionally in all caps.

The jolting article, written by Business Insider’s Kevin Loria, goes on to say, “Rising seas will inundate coastal cities like Miami, searing heat will increase human mortality, and acidic oceans will become inhospitable to fish and coral, leaving behind little but rubbery masses of jellyfish. These consequences of human activity could be the thing that prevents our civilization from advancing much further. In a particularly extreme scenario, it could even wind up wiping us from the face of the Earth.” (They had me at “rubbery masses of jellyfish.”)

This information is timely given that a trillion ton glacier chunk the size of Delaware recently broke off the Antarctica ice shelf (it’s like a cupboard for frozen water), an event horizon that portends mega doom for at least more than a few Emperor penguins and/or whale-eating polar bears. And all this time I presumed aliens would zap our sorry asses, suck up all the valuables (gas, alcohol, bit coins, frozen burritos) and head back to Mars for a kick ass party.

Geostorm

Earth-ending weather-gone-wild horror movies are nothing new (the most recent upcoming  being Geostorm/2017), but to have it all come to real life is a whole different box office.

Speaking of, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies we may or may not get to see once that huge iceberg smashes into our neighborhoods and precious 7-Elevens™. But hey, at the very least, beer will be the coldest it’s ever been!

Planetarium

PLANETARIUM (August 11, 2017/New York — August 18, 2017/Los Angeles)
“In 1930s France, two sisters who are thought to be able to communicate with ghosts meet a visionary producer while performing in Paris.”

Interesting fun fact: All French people can communicate with ghosts, or “des fantômes.” And yes, it has everything to do with drinking a quart of wine per meal.

Ghost House

GHOST HOUSE (August 25, 2017)
A young couple, Jim and Julie, are vacationing in Thailand where Julie falls in love with photographing small shrines called ‘Ghost Houses’ that are believed to give spirits shelter and comfort. A couple of British travelers take them into the countryside with the promise of showing Jim and Julie a ghost house graveyard where many of the shrines are discarded. After leaving the graveyard with a souvenir, Julie is increasingly plagued by visits from a malevolent spirit that threatens both her sanity and her life. After Julie is literally frozen in a state of terror, Jim must find a way to lift the curse before he loses Julie to the ghost world forever.”

Yeah, you don’t wanna shoplift in graveyards. First, said item(s) are always gonna be marinated in evil. Secondly, you don’t want stealing from the dead on your record. As for the Ghost Houses, rent is oddly steep for those things. I looked ‘em up on Zillow.com. You can see pics of inside these houses and it looks like someone lives there — but you never actually see people in the photos. Sounds like ghosts to me.

Exorcism of the Dead

EXORCISM OF THE DEAD (2017/2018)
“Candace, a deeply troubled young woman, is possessed by an ambitious demon. Her family has tried every conventional method to heal her, but both medicine and psychology have failed. As a last resort, they reach out for aid from the church, unaware the priest who arrives to deal with the situation has his own dark secrets.”

This premise has been done and overdone more times than I’ve been exorcised (47 and counting. Note to stupid preachers — not possessed, just drunk-ish.) But I take my collar off for the demon’s sticktoitiveness work ethic.

A Moon For Every Meal

Posted in Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 27, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Seventh Moon

American Melissa finally talked Yul, her Chinese boyfriend, into marrying her. So hey, screw Hawaii and their stupid dolphins — let’s honeymoon in China during the Hungry Ghost Festival! Their timing couldn’t be better. Not only is it the Hungry Ghost Festival, but one that lands on the seventh lunar month. And there’s a full moon, which, as everyone knows, adds a little something extra to the party dip.

Seventh Moon

A tour guide takes Mel and Yul one million miles out into the rural countryside to visit Yul’s relatives. It’s late, it’s dark and they’re lost. Or so the guide says. He gets out of the car to “find help” and doesn’t come back! So much for his tip. After an hour the couple get out and go looking for him. What they find is a small village with all the doors and windows locked, chained and boarded up. (Why all the drama? All they had to do was hang “Do Not Disturb” signs on the door knobs.)

Seventh Moon

Then they happen across an offering party arrangement: candles, banners, festive lighting, chickens, dogs, supermarket-ready pigs — all dead or half eaten. Turns out the Hungry Ghost Festival is aptly named. When you’re free from Hell to roam the Earth during the seventh lunar moon, you’re gonna be pretty darn peck-ish.

Seventh Moon

Out of nowhere, white hairless/clothes-less ghouls with dark bloody mouths descend upon the hapless couple. Mel and Yul escape, only to end up at a spooky house covered in seasonal candles with chanting going on. The place is filled with people just standing there, not saying or doing anything. Yep, these people sure know how to party.

Seventh Moon

After drinking drugged tea, the couple are tied up in a bamboo cage outside where the ghouls show up for dinner where Yul is the main course. Melissa, though, is unharmed (she’s American and therefore not on the menu) and makes her way back to the house, only to find the guide that brought them here. He explains that every time the dead show up during the festival, they always take one of the living with them whether they want to go our not. That sucks.

Seventh Moon

The dead have taken Yul into a water-filled cave for his “final journey,” the ultimate last call. She goes to the cave, using only her cell phone as light, and encounters the ghouls, all standing silently, looking in one direction, which for once, isn’t at anything resembling food. She finds Yul chained up and he’s hairless, pasty-white with dark circles around his eyes and mouth. And yet she still wants to kiss him. Yuck is one of three things that just ran through my mind.

Seventh MoonSeventh Moon (2008) has requisite tension and cool ghouls, but the camera work is so shaky as to give you the festival spins. And almost everything is shot in pitch black darkness, so it’s hard to see much of the action. Most of the movie is a chase scene, but it does have its party moments. Just don’t blame me if the dead don’t eat you — maybe they only have a taste for Chinese.

Porcupine Parasite

Posted in Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 19, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Splinter

An out-of-the-way gas station/convenience store is an unusual place to secure oneself against a mutant parasite. Then again, gas station convenience stores are usually where one picks up a mutant parasite. And yet, that’s where a young couple and a criminal end up, just a plate glass window away from bing absorbed by the spiky organism that skewers you from the inside out, drinks your nutrients, and uses your body as rag puppet host to get more yummy nutrients from those who have plenty of it.

Splinter

The criminal’s girlfriend was the first to get splintered/splattered, but that didn’t stop her fast rotting body from trying to get at the others. A lady cop shows up (she was on the trail of Mrs. & Mrs. Lawbreaker), but is unaware of the parasite. When she does get to meet it, her body gets pulled in half like warm taffy, with all her nutrients leaking out.

Splinter

A severed hand, animated by the killer quill, gets into the store and chases everyone around like Thing from The Addams Family (1964). The criminal, though, got a splinter earlier on and now it’s infecting his arm. One way to stop it — cut off the appendage with a box knife. That sorta works, but utility blades weren’t exactly designed to hack through bone. So a cinder block will have to do. (One of four cool flinchy scenes.)

Splinter

But the pointy creature is still after them, dang it. The only place left to hide? The beer cooler! (That so would’ve been my first choice.) They deduce that body temperature is what’s attracting the porcupine whatchamacallit, so in order to reach the car outside (to presumably go to a different gas station that doesn’t have parasites), the non-criminal guy has to lower his temps by packing bags of ice around himself and lay there until his lips turn blue. In theory, it will make him invisible to the beastie. This maneuver has not been proven in a lab of science.

Splinter

While the ending of Splinter (2008) could’ve been sharper (heh), this indie movie keeps up a nice tense pace and has a rewarding amount of goreiffic (my new word, combining gore with ’rrific) moments. Don’t feel bad for the criminal’s arm — the parasites are already using it to feel up his dead girlfriend.

Asian Zombie Vampires

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 10, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

When you stop whatever it is you’re doing and watch Tsui Hark’s Vampire Hunters (aka, The Era of Vampires/2002), a made-in-Hong-Kong period piece (ancient 19th Century days), you’re gonna learn some things about vampires and zombies that you never knew.

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

First, vampires and zombies are one in the same. Crazy talk, I know. But when a person dies and is buried in a p*ssed off state of mind, that anger energy festers and reanimates your death bod. When you come out of the grave and go on an “all the flesh you can eat” binge, then you change into a vampire. It should be noted that while in zombie and vampire mode, your face looks like deceased meatloaf. And the only thing that goes with that is human ketchup. (Note: In zombie form, you can still be “cured” with coffin wood powder. I think you can get it at GNC™.)

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

Along with their master, four kung fu disciples — Rain, Lightning, Thunder, and Wind (graduates from the Taoist Mao Shan School of Magic) and a gaggle of disposable soldiers — tirelessly roam the land for zombie vampires. They do this at night because vampires look cooler after the sun goes down. Doesn’t take long to find one — and it just happens to be general of some recognition. The combative thing shoots out of the ground, flies around, and sucks blood right out of your proprietary orifices — from a foot away! Wish my vacuum cleaner had that kind of sucking power.

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

Someone screws up (looking in your direction disposable solider #6), resulting in a huge explosion due to methane gas turning the air explosive. This made everyone think Master Jing (It rhymes with ‘blaster zing”) was barbecued. (He wasn’t, but got separated from the tour.) Now it’s on, with the band, whose descendants I think formed Earth, Wind & Fire, tracking errant vampires, all the while meeting chicks, finding gold and living up to their frat pledge: “Turn it up I can’t hear, more chicks more beer!” Okay, that was my frat motto — and I didn’t even go to college. Heh.

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

The House of Jiang is rich and loaded with gold that everybody keeps trying to steal. And there’s zombies in the basement. The Jiangs have been preserving their departed loved ones in wax and keeping them around the house like objet d’art. You can see where this is going. Master Jiang turns out to be an extremely accomplished vampire with car exhaust breath, and engages in an epic, gory, kung-fu acrobatic, sword slicing, hi-flying battle with the gang and their reunited master. (His explanation as to why he’s been gone all these months is pretty funny.)

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

The fight takes an unexpected turn when sticks of dynamite are introduced to the mix. But it’s the last shot of 100 (maybe there was 97) zombies in the basement that sets up a sequel that either never happened or I didn’t see. What’s the difference? In all, an entertaining waste of time.

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

Federal Bureau of Zombies

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , on September 29, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

I Was A Zombie For The F.B.I.

I Was A Zombie For The F.B.I. (1982) is a weird-o but clever-o comedy spoof of old ’50s sci-fi involving two career criminal brothers being transported to the electric chair in a small plane that gets blown out of the sky by a UFO.

I Was A Zombie For The F.B.I.

The aliens inside said UFO resurrect them and use the zombie bros to facilitate their impending invasion. And they do this with mind-altering soda pop. Yeah, I didn’t get it, either.