Archive for corpse

Werewolves, Shadow People, Aquaman, Hippies

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 13, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Watcher

Pretty sure my mailman is a werewolf. I have no other proof other than I never see him at night, full moon or not. And his eyebrows seem a bit bushier than the acceptable norm. I should order silverware from Amazon.com™ and see if he’ll deliver it. My hunch is that it’ll goon him out.

Until I get the proof I need — AND I WILL — here’s some upcoming new horror/sci-fi movies to goon out over…

THE WATCHER (April 18, 2017)
“Unaware of its terrible history, a young couple purchases their dream home. But it soon becomes clear that they may not be alone in the house. And that someone — or something — is determined to drive them out.”

It’s Hippies. Hippies want them out so they can squat there rent-free and play their Grateful Dead records way too loud, pound on bongos for three days non-stop and stink up the joint because hippies are afraid of bathtubs. Easy way to get rid of hippies — introduce them to the glory of the washcloth.

Be Afraid

BE AFRAID (June 1, 2017)
“Not long after John Chambers and his family arrive at their new home in a small country town of Pennsylvania, John begins to experience sleep paralysis. Lying there paralyzed, trapped within his own nightmare, other-worldly beings visit John. They are entities which exist in the darkest shadows of the night and can only be seen out of the corner of one’s eye. These encounters begin to haunt John, transforming to complete terror as he discovers the entities’ sole purpose…the abduction of his seven year old son. In the end, John will uncover the town’s horrific secret, a portal on his land, and make one last attempt to save his son before the shadow people permanently take him away to their world.”

You don’t have to be a shadow person to have some fun with people who suffer from sleep paralysis. All you need is a magic marker, duct tape and a camera. Ask anyone whose ever came down with beer paralysis at a keggar.

Camera Obscura

CAMERA OBSCURA (June 9, 2017)
“A veteran war photographer with PTSD sees imminent deaths in his developed photos, questioning his already fragile sanity and putting the lives of those he loves in danger.”

This borrows heavily from a 1999 episode of The X-Files. It was called “Tithonus” and it had a guy who knew when you were about to die and took your picture at the point of death. That was back before smart phones with cameras built in, so he had to go home and develop the pics. Today you can snap “death selfies” and see the results instantly. Technology is pretty neat. P.S. Don’t hire this guy to photograph your wedding.

American Satan

AMERICAN SATAN (Summer, 2017)
“A group of young men hailing from the U.S. and England drop out of college and move to Hollywood’s infamous Sunset Strip to pursue their dreams of becoming a rock & roll sensation.”

Where’s the satan part? Is he one of the band members? If so, does he play guitar? And what kind of guitar is it? I bet it’s loud as…HELL. Heh.

Justic League

JUSTICE LEAGUE (November 11, 2017)
Yep, already wrote about this one, but this is a new poster. I have two questions — where’s Superman? Yeah, he croaked in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016), but just lay his Kryptonian corpse out in the sun for a while and he’ll be good as new. Not his costume, though. Big hole in the chest area. Not sure how you’d sew that up. Secondly, how can you tell if Aquaman wets his pants? I guess only clams know.

British Zombie Bikers

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 10, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Psychomania

The rules are simple: make a deal with the devil and you get immortality and candy. Break a deal with the devil and you get turned into a frog and eat house flies and grub worms for all eternity. (I’ve only eaten gummi worms, so probably gonna pass on any deal-breaking.)

Psychomania

That’s the premise of the British zombie biker horror oddity, Psychomania (aka, The Death Wheelers/1973). But the young, heck-raising youths wearing spook masks and mocking traffic laws who each commit suicide so that they can come back from the dead in “forever in blue jeans,” think being dead is fun. In fact, it suits them, as their motorcycle gang name is The Living Dead. Cute.

Psychomania

Tom, the gang’s uncombed leader, loves black magic. He was tainted by evil as a crib rat when his mom made an immortality pact with the devil. Now that he’s old enough to make his own satanic bargains, Tom kills himself and returns exactly as he was prior to the expire (no rotting faces or unbrushed teeth), and convinces the rest of the direction-less youth to do the same.

Psychomania

How the gang commits suicide is not very imaginative or graphic: Jumping out of a plane and not pulling the parachute cord, wrapping oneself in chains attached to a cement brick and taking swimming lessons, jumping out of a hi-rise window, driving face first into oncoming traffic… If you waver, you actually die and don’t get to rejoin your zombie biker brothers and their quest to be bothersome to the community.

Psychomania

They drive their motorbikes into the grocery store (punks – there’s tons of parking outside), crashing into carefully stacked canned goods (good marketing). Then they drive into a police station holding a few of their rapscallion pals in conjunction with murder (lots of bloodless associative deaths) and break them out. Then they meet at a fog-drenched place called “The Seven Witches” (a field filled with standing stones) and question one members’ lack of pact. It’s Tom’s girlfriend. She tried offing herself with pills, but goofed up with the goofers and didn’t die. Now Tom and the gang want to die her for good.

Psychomania

Meanwhile, Tom’s mom has had enough of her son’s troubleness and summons the devil (some old guy in a suit, with a sword and a jeweled magic ring) to renege on their arrangement. She’s warned about the whole “frog for eternity” thing, but she doesn’t care — just get it over with and stop that Tom.

Psychomania

With absolutely no blood, gore or even salty language, Pyschomania wraps up with The Living Dead turning into cocooned corpses and finally into stones, which the devil further augments his collection, which he keeps in “The Seven Witches” front lawn. And Tom’s girlfriend who was about to be killed? She’s now single, but lives to die another day.

Cooking Rice For Vampires

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 4, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rigor Mortis

Chin Siu-ho, star of Mr. Vampire (1985), has a problem. He just moved into a functioning slum apartment building with the intention of committing suicide (his wife left him). But while hanging from an overhead fan (he must be in one of the deluxe slum units), twin chick ghosts materialize at the opportunity and take over his soon-to-be dead body. Carpe diem.

Rigor Mortis Before this can come to fruition, Yau, a chain-smoking downstairs neighbor in his boxers and robe, busts down the door, battles the ghost gals and makes them go back in the wall from whence they came. Behold the power of boxers and robes. Yau, if you haven’t deduced, is a retired vampire hunter. And he has to un-retire to smack those ghost chick creatures.

Rigor Mortis

Elsewhere in the stylish squalor, Tung, a foul-mouthed old man, tells his wife Meiyi he’s going on a saki bender for a few days. He unfortunately falls face first down the hi-rise stairs and splat dies. Fortunately, there’s a black magic expert also living in the building. Gau helps the market fresh widow preserve the body in the bathtub in voodoo dirt and puts a voodoo chain mask on him, advising her to never remove the mask. Mask comes off, Tung turns into a jiangshi. (Wikipedia: Chinese “hopping” vampire, ghost, or zombie, a type of reanimated corpse in Chinese legends and folklore.)

Rigor Mortis

Not sure how this all ties together, especially when informed that glutinous rice is used to combat vampires. Yau tells Chin Siu-ho that after all the vampires are vanquished, vampire hunters become restaurant owners/cooks as they need a job and they’re pretty good making rice. You never think of these things.

Rigor Mortis

All these ingredients come to a boil as Yau, never bothering to put on his pants, teams with Chin Siu-ho and has a holy throw down with the ghost chicks, who have blood tendrils coming out of every orifice. Then they have to deal with Tung, whose hopping all over the place and causing grievous bodily harm. And I thought my apartment building was bad.

Rigor Mortis

Rigor Mortis (2013) is strikingly atmospheric and loaded with grim and gruesome visuals. The in-house vamps will goon you out, especially when a flashback tells you how they became ghosts, a short but vicious sequence. My only complaint to an otherwise solid horror movie is they didn’t show you how to cook glutinous rice. Whenever I make it, the dang stuff sticks to everything. And it’s pretty much useless against the vampires in my apartment building. Maybe I need to add garlic butter or something.

Getting Low on High Zombies

Posted in Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , on November 4, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Gravestoned

I get that Gravestoned’s (2009) “stoner-centric horror” is intended to be funny. But unless you’re baked, not only is the low-budget “movie” NOT humorous, it’s just plain stoopid.

Gravestoned

Two pot farmers cut off an arm of a cadaver to use a realistic prop in a low-budget horror movie. Life imitates art. The cadaver comes back to life and wants its arm back. (If the corpse was smart, it would’ve rented the arm to the filmmakers.)

Gravestoned

The pot humor needed to be way more Cheech & Chong and a lot less “but my mom thinks I’m funny.” And the bubble-headed cheerleaders, all of whom were born in a shopping mall, don’t look as though they’re acting.

Gravestoned

If I were the cadaver I wouldn’t find Gravestoned’s premise the least bit entertaining. If you want to become a zombie yourself, just watch this movie — it’ll make you brain dead in about 92 minutes.

When Godzilla Became Frankenstein

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 15, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Weird Show

Super duper annoying when (and I use the term loosely) people mistakenly – to this franken day – think Frankenstein is the monster instead of Dr. Victor Frankenstein, the guy who puzzled together the monster from scrap corpse parts. And while the brute doesn’t have a proper title other than “the monster,” you get the misnomer; the name “Frankenstein” is pretty dang classic, right up there with iconic nom de plumes names like “Godzilla,” “Dracula” and “Lord Voldemort.”

No surprise the GermansFrankenstein’s kin — regularly slapped the popular “monster” name on imported horror advertising art to help sell movie tickets, even though Frank wasn’t so much as in the credits. (Did Frankenstein or his heirs get paid for this unlicensed usage? Hölle nein!)

Frankenstein und die Ungeheuer as dem Meer

An example of this is Ebirah, Horror From the Deep, aka, Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster (1966). Initial German ad art had the movie titled, Frankenstein und die Ungeheuer dem Meer (or, Frankenstein and the Beast from the Sea). And while the advertising depicts Godzilla (what – no promo headshot?), they didn’t want to gamble the movie’s box office on a name that’s only been around for a few relative years, whereas Frankenstein was globally established and universally recognized since 1931. In that context, it makes sense.

Frankenstein Conquers The World / Frankenstein meets the Space Monster

Frankenstein’s good name has been co-opted/dragged through the mud over the years for this very same reason. But think about it – would you rather take your queasy vehicle to Bob’s Car Care or Frankenstein’s Complete Auto Restoration? I rest my case.

King Kong: Frankenstein's Sohn / Guila, Frankenstein's Teufelsei

Gasp in awe at the misbranded examples above, including King Kong: Frankenstein’s Son (aka, King Kong Escapes/1962) that’ll leave you staunen (“stunned” for all you Bob’s Car Care types).

Santo and Frankenstein

P.S. Only Spain’s Santo Contra La Hija De Frankestein (aka, Santo Against Daughter Frankenstein/1972) and Santo y Blue Demon Contra el Dr. Frankestein (aka, Santo and Blue Demon Against Dr. Frankenstein/1974) got it at least medically correct even though they couldn’t spell Frank’s name right on the advertising.

Embalming: The New Taxidermy

Posted in Asian Horror, Foreign Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 8, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

EM: Embalming

Miyako is a coroner. She gets to look at all the inner goo within our bodies once we quit making outer goo. One day she gets a male teenage corpse with a needle sticking out of its neck. My guess is he died of natural causes. But, as the body is prepared for embalming, someone sneaks in after hours and takes the corpse’s head right out of its shoulder holder.

EM: Embalming

The search for the misplaced face leads Miyako and detective Kurume into the lucrative underground shopping mall known as the organ trade industry. Legs, arms, torsos, eyeballs, wieners…they won’t be undersold! (I’m waiting for the President’s Day 1/2 off butt cheek sale.)

EM: Embalming

It’s here they find Dr Fuji, an ostracized surgeon who runs his limb extraction practice out of the back of a semi-truck. Fuji knows where the head is, but it’s linked to a convoluted plot that distracts from the real reason to watch this movie: to witness graphic autopsies done on the living. Is that asking too much?

EM: Embalming

Miyako, though, has bigger problems. A nearby priest tells her what she does to dead bodies is evil and that she’s really gonna get it, the argument being that preserving the dead body is a crime against the laws of nature. (The Japanese believe in cremation, not embalming. I’m split down the middle. Heh.)

EM: Embalming

Fuji, as it turns out, did the embalming on Miyako’s mom when she kicked the Buddha, so that ties in somehow. While Em: Embalming (1999) invokes a solid “meh,” it’s the gloriously gory body parts that reward one’s rental yen. Not quite as visceral as Saw III (2006) in the head-opening department, if you can put up with all the plot distractions, you’ll be rewarded with some juicy meatiness. I know that sounds icky, but I couldn’t think of anything else.

Low Tide Love

Posted in Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on July 31, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Venus Drowning

In the super odd/unusual/weird horror flick Venus Drowning (2006), a cute British gal is having a really bad day. The boyfriend that knocked her up just died of cancer. Then she suffers a miscarriage. Then the tries to commit suicide with booze, pills and a knife in a bathtub. (To be fair, she did have non-lethal shampoo.)

Venus Drowning

It was an off-yourself FAIL. So her mental doc prescribes her a holiday at an off-season seaside beach. But as everyone knows, British beaches are always gray, cold and overcast. Good atmosphere for recovering from of depression.

Venus Drowning

It’s here she finds a reverse meatloaf creature thing during low tide. She takes it home, tries to feed it (I’m really hoping that was a mouth), and rubs it. The creature’s secretions stay on her fingers like Cheetos™ dust – and it’s doing to her what catnip does to cats.

A girlfriend comes to visit and after a drinking run ends up bringing a guy back to the pad for a little shag on the carpeting. Meanwhile, the creature in the basement is responding to the pleasure emotions right above what I hope is a head. Then it starts to throb. I really hope this isn’t a clue as to what it is.

Venus Drowning

This affects the suicide girl and she ends up licking it and rolling around on the floor in horniness. This compels her to pick up the SAME GUY her visiting girlfriend did and HAVE SEX WITH HIM. By now it’s clear – the pulsing flesh lump is feeding off the sex energy.

The squishy thing sprouts long tentacles and violates the post-sex sleeping LUCKIEST GUY ON EARTH and sucks out all his chi. When the girl wakes up, she has a blackened, chi sucked rotted corpse in her bed. So much for Saturday night.

Venus Drowning

She breaks the brittle corpse into firewood, piles it in a shopping cart, rolls it down to the beach, and makes a cadaver camp fire. Later, back at the flat, she stabs the sex lump and tosses it in the trash. Solid waste or recyclable – the movie leaves it up to your imagination.

Venus Drowning

Not sure what the point of all this was. But it did hang me up with unresolved questions – what did she do with the shopping cart?!? Did it belong to a local grocery store? Won’t they want it back after it’s washed with commercial-grade Mr. Clean™?

And this is what I took away from all of the above.