Dog Thing, The Birth of Evil, Frankenbrother

One of the most f’d up scenes in horror sci-fi movie history happened in 1982’s John Carpenter’s The Thing, when an alien organism, discovered by a Norwegian research base in Antarctica, infects a sled dog. The doomed doggy is rescued by American researchers and they put the fuzzy mutt in the pen with the others pups. It’s here where the alien life-form turns the dog inside out as it tries to mimic its host. The infamous result was super sick, mega gory, and set the bar high for extraterrestrial relations with humans. And now you can relive that scene with NECA’s™ release of The Thing – Dog Creature Ultimate Deluxe 7″ Scale Action Figure. Ickiness just got more fun.

From NECA’s™ press release: “From ordinary dog to morphing monstrosity, this fully articulated deluxe figure includes more than 25 interchangeable pieces to customize your Dog Creature for maximum horror. It comes in collector-friendly five-panel packaging with opening front flap. The action figure sells for $59.99 (preorder it here) and is expected to ship in September of 2023.”

So while you decide if you’re a dog lover and won’t touch this…THING…with a 10-foot Milk-Bone™, or a fan of all things horror regardless of how revolting it is, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not belong buried in Antarctic snow…

EXORCISM IN UTERO / May 23, 2023 (VOD)

“Herma Frigg, a pregnant woman running from a bad relationship, becomes possessed when she puts on a magical ring she discovers in the basement of the house where she is house sitting. Haunted by stranger dreams, she sleepwalks next door to visit Peter O’Neill, the pre-teen horror movie buff living next door. As Herma’s body transforms and her mind deteriorates and Peter deals with family drama, these visits lead to an unusual bond between the two. But can Peter find a way to help Herma find a way out of her predicament and save her unborn baby?”

So that’s where I left that ring…

THE ANGRY BLACK GIRL AND HER MONSTER / June 9, 2023 (VOD)

Vicaria is a brilliant teenager who believes death is a disease that can be cured. After the brutal and sudden murder of her brother, she embarks on a dangerous journey to bring him back to life.

Yeah, death is a disease that can be cured — but the doctor bill will kill you.

THE MONSTER MASH / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“The Monster Mash features three gruesome mini-horror films: ‘Whispering Hollow Road,’ a dark, shadowy noir with a monstrous twist; ‘The House,’ a modern Gothic tale of lycanthropy; and ‘Homebound Horror,’ a grimy grind house tale of otherworldly revenge.”

If Slayer, whose songs sound like the above, did the soundtrack, this could be retitled The Monster Mosh. Okay, not quite comedy gold, there. More like comedy copper.

DOCTOR JEKYLL / Release pending (2023)

“Dr. Nina Jekyll is a recluse who finds friendship with her newly hired help, Rob. They must work together to prevent Hyde from destroying her life.”

I say let your freak flag fly. My dual personality usually comes out on Tequila Tuesdays at the Tug Tavern. That guy can be a real dick.

Sleeping With Zombies, Underwear Sharks, Demon Babies

In the 1978 zombie game changer Dawn of the Dead, a few humans hole up in a shopping mall to ride out the chewable apocalypse. Two of said humans are what remains of a SWAT team. Life in the mall is sweet — until zombies drop in for a bite. Roger “Trooper” DeMarco, one of the loose cannon SWAT guys, gets careless and ends up bitten by one of the germ-infected undead, and slowly turns into one of the gang. The scene of him lying in a mall-provided bed about to die and then un-die, is one of Dawn of the Dead’s most iconic moments. And now, thanks to Trick or Treat Studios™, you can get that moment immortalized as a pillow pal prop.

From Trick or Treat Studios™ and Radar Licensing’s™ product description: “We are proud to present the official Dawn of the Dead Roger Pillow Pal Prop from George A Romero’s classic zombie film, Dawn of the Dead. This beautifully sculpted prop is an amazing recreation of Roger as he turns into a zombie in one of the most famous scenes in zombie cinema. The Roger Pillow Pal comes with a pillow that Roger is attached to via Velcro so you place Roger in your own bed!”

Simply put, your horror life will not be complete until you have a zombie Roger Pillow Pal next to you every night. And at $79.99, it’s a small price to pay to be fulfilled. So while you rush over to NightmareToys.com to get on (buy it now), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as sweet as living in a shopping mall…

WAR OF THE WORLDS: THE ATTACK / November, 2023 (Theaters)

“Three young astronomers tracking a meteorite crashing into Earth discover they are at the epicenter of a Martian invasion.”

Kinda racist to assume the invasion was started by Martians. Maybe its those extraterrestrials from Uranus. I hear they’re a bunch of…a**holes. Heh. 

BIG SHARK / April 2, 2023 (VOD)

“Three firefighters must save New Orleans from a shark attack.”

The trailer for this one is an understatement of confusing, being part boxing movie, part shark attack and part underwear commercial. The shark part is cool and I suppose we could always use new underwear, especially after you fill ’em while watching the extra-extra-large Carcharodon carcharias jump out of the water and chomp on land dwellers. Maybe the boxing part is to show how they’re gonna battle the shark — with a stiff uppercut. In these terms, maybe Big Shark isn’t that confusing at all.

WINTERTIDE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Beth, a volunteer watch person of an isolated northern city battles a plague of depression that transforms the few remaining residents into empty, zombie-like automatons. She discovers that by entering an alternative dimension through her own dreams, she’s able to stave off the illness during the long, possibly endless winter. But will her power be enough to sustain her?”

Alternative dimension = drinking. It’s not science, people.

NIGHTMARE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Mona moves into a big apartment in an old building with her boyfriend Robby, who has just landed his dream job, and soon falls pregnant with their first child. She is plagued by bad dreams, and when the new-born baby next door dies, her crippling nightmares intensify — night after night, the same demon attacks her in her sleep. Mona begins to believe that the creature is very real and that it is seeking to enter our world through her unborn child. Soon she will realize that not all nightmares are over when you wake up.”

All newborns are angels, but eventually turn into demons…and stay that way until they turn 18 and you kick ’em out of the house.

Sci-Fi Sheet Music, Halloween Pirates, Heavenly Darkness

Ever wanted to hear what the sound an alien spaceship makes — from the inside? Curious about the pitch of wormhole-ing Stargate? Or how about the gurgling resonance emanating from either end of an extraterrestrial lifeform? Thanks to YouTube™ — The Rent-A-Center™ Window to the Universe — now you can.

There are literal hundreds chill out/sleep assisting/relax in your pants “videos” on YouTube™, the most being New Age stuff to put you in a deep meditative (drunk, not not quite passed out) state. They use flutes, sounds of nature (man, I was I could put a fart noise here), trickling streams, rain, soft wind, synthesizers that sound like unpaid orchestra musicians… 

These “videos” guarantee to take the wrinkles out of your chi, disconnect the brain in order to get in a decent wet dream, and/or turn your tension into cotton candy. And for the most part, they work. But some of the cooler ones are those that imagine what sounds come from derelict UFOs, abandoned space insect hives and extraterrestrial weather reports — usually for hours on end. Ever wanted to hear an alien play a lute? You’re just a click away.

Put an iPad™ (or whatever future waffle iron you prefer) on your nightstand. Pull up YouTube™ and type in search words like “space ambient”, “cosmic relaxation”, “Berlin school style chill out”, or “ethereal happy slide” — and let yourself drift off to de-stressing sounds of the Multiverse.

While you prepare to take a nap among the stars, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you fall asleep — or give you a wet dream…

ESTHER / Out now (YouTube™)

“Katy has moved back to her childhood home only to find that her nightly sleep is disrupted by a faulty smoke alarm. She soon learns that the faulty alarm is the least of her worries as her imaginary friend Esther has come back to play.”

Faulty smoke alarms are way scarier than imaginary friends. Test smoke alarms every month by pressing their test buttons. If your alarms use regular batteries, swap in fresh batteries at least once a year. A “chirping” sound means that it’s time to change batteries. Do these things then go back to playing with your ghost friend, who probably died from smoke inhalation.

KILLED ON ARRIVAL / Out now (Amazon Prime™)

“Nine people decide to take part in an exclusive V.I.P. Halloween camping adventure. A ‘once in a lifetime’ experience, they all think will be the time of their lives. This Kamp of Antietam has a checkered past full of pirate executions, satanic cults and a fair share of missing people. Will our campers make it through the Creekside Manor of horrors or will they just be another rabble of victims…KILLED ON ARRIVAL?”

I vaguely recall hearing about this one back in 2020. Then again, I vaguely recall 2020. Regardless, I’m curious to see how they integrate pirate executions into what should’ve been a super fun, LAND-BASED Halloween camping adventure.

THE NOMAD / Out now (Digital, VOD)

“When a reporter filming a story about a serial killer targeting the city’s priests comes face to face with the killer, she must choose between turning him in and finishing the story…or directing him towards her abusive father and finishing her own.”

Well played. Work smarter, not harder.

INTO THE ABYSS / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“They came from Heaven, installing perpetual night, creating a deluge that would change humanity forever. Bannon is trapped in the middle of a city isolated and covered by a black and rainy sky, which epitomizes the end and decay of the old world. Seeking to leave the condemned area, he will realize that his very existence drags the vestiges of that world and must be put to the test or perish in the Abyss.”

Kinda sounds like a set-up to a joke: “How many celestial entities does it take to change a light bulb?” Insert your punch line here.

Sparse Horror, Demonic To-Do List, Evil Heaven

Minimalist horror/sci-fi movie posters say a lot with just images and not fancy logos to tell you what movie its representing. Kinda like flipping someone the middle finger without the need to say what the finger means in language befitting a merchant marine or a third-grader.

Here are some excellent examples of minimalist horror movie art, the first one being just a typewriter and a bloody hatchet, elegantly portraying the key components of The Shining (1980). An argument could be made for using the movie’s iconic snow maze with Lloyd the ghost bartender at the center of it. But hey, a typewriter and axe works.

Take a look at the other minimal horror art and see if you can tell what movie it represents. If you guess correctly, you win a cookie or something. And while you’re doing that, here are a few out now/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not deserve a middle finger…

DEMONIC ALIENS: UFOs FROM INNER SPACE / Out now (VOD)

“Are what we call ‘Aliens’ actually demonic forces and using the phenomenon to further their agenda on Earth? With negative effects on many experiencers, from burns to psychological damage, it would seem there are nefarious forces at work here on Earth that may not be from outer space. The bible speaks of entities upon the Earth before man as well as ten dimensions that science and academia have long lost interest in exploring. Perhaps now is the time to go back to the ancient texts to gain insight into this ever expanding phenomenon.”

Other than registering as being Republican, what other agenda could demonic forces possibly have?

BLACK LAKE DIRECTOR’S CUT / FEBRUARY 27, 2023 (VOD)

“Aarya leaves her family in the city to pursue her passion for the arts. She is gifted a red scarf and is haunted by a Churail, a demonic and malevolent South Asian witch.”

This one came out in 2020, but now gets a sweet upgrade with lots of extras. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say they added more demonic and malevolent stuff. Hope it doesn’t offend my spiritual beliefs. Just kidding — I don’t have any of those.

NEW WORLD ORDER: DARK PRINCE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When God takes on the form of a man, a grief-stricken sergeant must battle his internal demons to defeat an evil empire.”

The evil empire being Heaven, of course.

DIRTY JERSEY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Three friends go for an off-roading adventure in the Pine Barrens, but their friendship is torn to pieces, along with them.”

You’d think it was the Jersey Devil making bodily harm happen, but I watched the trailer and the creature looks like an adult sized rabbit wearing pants. And not nice pants, either.

Enchanting Garb, Fruit Cult, Alien Parents

A fairy/faerie in literature, art, European folklore culture and slasher grindhouse horror movies is defined as being a type of mythical being or legendary creature and a form of spirit, often described as being metaphysical, supernatural, or preternatural — with or without a butcher knife and/or chainsaw.

Not surprisingly, many women want to be fairies, a fantasy that started with Disney’s™ Tinker Bell and the Nutcracker’s Sugar Plumb Fairy (who sounds like a drug dealer). This fantasia annually fuels the sale of countless fairy costumes every Halloween. But while most of us are content to augment our wardrobe from Spirit Halloween™, one should look to Pinterest™ for fairy fashion options. 

These exotic and otherworldly gowns (or “dresses”) — suitable for cosplay or fantasy horror movies — can fetch thousands for an ensemble that probably shouldn’t be cleaned in a coin-fed washing machine. Also, you’d have to sell a lot of teeth to the Tooth Fairy to afford one.

So while we drink absinthe (fun fact: “The Green Fairy” is the nickname for absinthe) and fantasize about wearing one of these dresses to a bachelorette party and/or doing some light grocery shopping, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not tinker your bell…

WAKING KARMA / January 26, 2023 (VOD)

“Karma and her mother have spent their lives evading Paul, her cult leader father. With Paul closing in as Karma reaches adulthood, she and her mother flee to a friend’s remote compound. Paul tracks them there and traps them within its walls, putting Karma through a series of escalating tests designed to break her spirit and awaken an unholy inheritance that lives within her.”

So if she misbehaves, do we call her…“Bad Karma”? Heh.

SEEDS / January 31, 2023 (VOD)

Grieving mother Macha must track down her husband Andrew, a university professor who has been invited to a remote area of New England to take part in mysterious cult’s ritual in order to receive an inheritance from his uncle. The cult that worships the mystical and ancient power of the apple has also been infiltrated by the Catholic Church under the command of the very ambitious Cardinal Sinibaldi.”

An apple a day keeps organized religion away.

ONYX THE FORTUITOUS AND THE TALISMAN OF SOULS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Amateur occultist Marcus J. Trillbury — aka Onyx the Fortuitous — is struggling. He’s misunderstood at home and work, but his dreams for a new life seem to be answered when he lands a coveted invitation to the mansion of his idol Bartok the Great for a ritual to raise the spirit of an ancient demon. He excitedly joins Bartok and his fellow eclectic group of devotees as they prepare for the ceremony, but pretty quickly it becomes apparent everything is not as it seems. As Onyx and his new friends fight to keep their souls, he must decide what he’s willing to truly sacrifice in order to meet his destiny.”

Marcus should worry more about getting beat up for having a dumb name than conjuring ancient demons.

ALIENS ABDUCTED MY PARENTS AND NOW I FEEL KINDA LEFT OUT / Release pending 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“Itsy is new in town and her life seems over until she meets her space-obsessed neighbor Calvin, who believes his parents were abducted by aliens. An aspiring journalist, Itsy decides to write an exposé on Calvin but ends up discovering much more.”

Hey kid — your folks weren’t abducted. They abandoned you. Bet you’re feeling really left out now.

Extraterrestrially Inebriated, Social Media Monstrosity, Space Spouse

On July 8, 2023, we celebrate the 76th anniversary of America’s most famous UFO story: The Roswell Incident. That’s when in 1947, rancher W.W. “Mac” Brazel discovered wreckage from an illegally parked flying saucer on his remote ranch just outside of the municipality of Conspiracyville, or “Corona, NM.” (Note to purists: Mac actually found the extraterrestrial debris field on July 6, but his mechanical horse ran out of petrol coming into town to report it.)

Since that time, one billion million UFO sightings have been reported, some even sober. That’s right — according to the National UFO Reporting Center™ (located in Washington State, where I live and see alien spacecraft ALL THE TIME), statistics suggest these reports are made by…drunk people. According to The Economist, “The National UFO Reporting Center receives tens of thousands reported sightings of UFOs, with the majority happening on Fridays, in the West, and during…drinking hours.” (See official-looking graph.)

In an article in The Atlantic, journalist Derek Thompson presents his theories: “Utah, the state with the lowest beer consumption by far, has a higher share of UFO sitings than North Carolina, the state with the highest beer consumption. Washington, the state where you’re most likely to report a UFO, drinks less alcohol than all but six states. It’s plausible that people don’t see UFOs while they’re working or sleeping because they’re working indoors and completely unconscious.”

So while we crack six or more tall boys and stumble outside during prime time UFO viewing hours and submit our Happy Hour sightings at the top of our lungs to the NURC™, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-movies that may or may not be made better by drinking…

MEAN SPIRITED February 27, 2023 (VOD)

“After receiving an invitation to his estranged friend’s mountain cottage, a wannabe vlogger aims to bury the hatchet with their now-celebrity friend who isn’t quite himself anymore.”

Social Media Horror [ soh-shuhl mee-dee-uh hawr-er ] / noun, stu·pid·er, stu·pid·est. Tediously dull, especially due to lack of meaning or sense; inane; pointless; annoying or irritating.

STATIC CODES / June 1, 2023 (VOD)

“A man’s wife was abducted by aliens 10 years ago during a car accident which left him paralyzed from the waist down. Given up on life, he has become consumed with only one mission: finding his wife.”

Why?

THE HOUSE AMONG TREES / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A hybrid of modern crime fiction and classic horror story, The House Among The Trees follows three low-level burglars who accidentally uncover a small town’s dark secrets after breaking into a secluded house.”

All small towns have dark secrets, some darker than others. For instance, the dark secret in my small town is…ME.

THE GRANDMOTHER / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Susana must leave her life working as a model in Paris and return home to Madrid after she learns that her grandmother Pilar — who raised her as her own after her parents died — has had a cerebral hemorrhage. Upon returning home, Susana attempts to find a long-term caretaker for Pilar, but what should be just a few days ends up becoming a genuine nightmare after Susana notices Pilar start to act strangely.”

If I needed a caregiver, I’d want it to be a Parisian supermodel. That would make me hemorrhage…but not in the cerebellum.

Partying With Ghosts, Subtitled Shark, Haunted House Insurance

If you’re a fan of fan-made horror films, you’re gonna get all tingly over the Friday the 13th homage, Here Comes the Night: Part 3, sequel to the F-13th fan films Here Comes the Night and Here Comes the Night: Part 2, all of which are free on YouTube™. Around a half-hour long and done on a budget that wouldn’t get you a hot dog and a diet soda at a hockey game (diet sodas are the preferred drink of hardcore hockey fans, who all look like Friday the 13th’s Jason Voorhees, blood and all), you at least gotta admire the passion that goes into these enthusiastic endeavors.

A bit ‘o background: “Produced by Jason Kays and directed by Tim McCormack, Here Comes the Night: Part 3 celebrates what fans love about Jason Voorhees and the classic 80’s slasher series. The epic conclusion to Here Comes the Night is finally here! Having narrowly escaped certain death at the hands of new friends and old enemies, Allison, Billy, and Suzie find safety at a cabin across the lake. However, as the sins of the past are revealed, and the lies of the present unfold, no one is truly safe at Crystal Lake.”

While you question my sanity to post this on Saturday the 14th instead of Friday the 13th (sorry — still using last year’s calendar because I don’t know why), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be viewable on any day of the week…  

MAKO /Out now (Netflix™)

“Visiting the site of a sunken passenger ship, eight divers face a terrifying threat beneath the surface of the Red Sea.”

This shark movie came out in someplace called Egypt (never heard of it) in 2021, but it’s now on Netflix™ in our multiverse. It’s in Arabic with wonky English subtitles, so you can’t understand a thing the shark is saying. Too bad — with all those teeth, I bet it has perfect enunciation.

GHOST PARTY / Out now (VOD)

“The annual Halloween party at Auldcraft Mansion is no ordinary party. You have to be dead to be invited. This year something has gone horribly wrong and the family must bring in a living relative to help solve the mystery. This “live” theatrical play captures the true spirit, or spirits of family reunions.”

You have to be dead to be invited? As long as there’s no dress code and they put out some chips ‘n salsa. 

CONTACT: THE CE5 EXPERIENCE / Out now (VOD)

“Dr. Steven Greer and his team share their videos and photos of UFOs and extraterrestrial beings captured at CE5 events around the world.”

Those CE5 “events” are little more than UFO New Age retreats. The blurry UAP photos and videos are sorta interesting, but enough with the hippie chanting prayer circles to reach out to our space brothers; extraterrestrials already think we’re a bunch of dumbasses.

THE UNSETTLING / February 10, 2023 (VOD)

“Abena and Kwame, a Ghanaian couple, are struggling to recover from a devastating tragedy. They travel to Los Angeles for a vacation that they hope will help them find their way back to one another. Instead, during an awkward dinner with estranged friends, Vivian and Anthony, Abena is increasingly terrorized by an evil possessing the house. The house that was meant to provide refuge slowly stalks her, consuming her sorrow and trapping her in a nightmare. As her terror grows, it ultimately engulfs all four with horrifying consequences.”

They should’ve gotten haunted house renter’s insurance. And yes, that’s a real thing. I go through Obrella™ to cover my darkness-infested abode. Click here for a rate quote.

Sheet-Faced, Alien Chart-Toppers, Cursed Knick Knacks

If you’re looking to break free of Bed, Bath & Beyond’s™ death grip on the sheets/blankets industrial complex, click on over to Wonderskull.com and become awash in skull horror duvets with matching pillowcases — and do away with your visually flaccid Nestwell™ Supreme Softness Plush Blankets and decorative pillows.

Wonderskull.com’s mattress-blowing selection of staggeringly artful skull duvet sets (172 and counting) will change your night life for an average price of $89.95. And with sizes ranging from US Twin to UK Super King (isn’t that the name of England’s president?), they have your bed covered. Heh.

The duvets aren’t the only things Wonderskull.com offers. Check out their like-themed area rugs, lamps and candles to accentuate your new bed clothes. And speaking of clothes, They offer a plethora of horror, steampunk, Gothic, Victorian, and witchy sleepwear and lingerie, bikini and swimsuit, to hoodies and rompers (short pants trousers). Heck, they’re so cool, you could charge people to come over and look at you.

While you’re trying to figure out where to donate your stained sheets (try Motel 6™) and turn your four-legged futon into the nightmare of your dreams, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you soil your stylishly adorned bed…

TOP 25 ALIEN ENCOUNTERS: UFO CASE FILES EXPOSED / Out now (Apple TV™)

“The recent revelation that the U.S. Government has been actively investigating UFO sightings and encounters has opened a new chapter in the pursuit of truth behind alien visitations. Top 25 Alien Encounters explores some of the most mind-blowing cases of recent times, exposing new details behind hidden secrets, suppressed evidence and cover-ups. Stunning military encounters, astronaut accounts, abductions, crashed UFO retrievals, alien body examinations, startling witness confessions, NASA’s™ subversive agenda and much more reveal a foreboding reality — that they no longer hide in the shadows, but are looming over us in plain sight.”

Pffft —my alien abduction case didn’t even make their Top 30. There’s your real suppressed evidence/cover-up.

DISQUIET / February 10, 2023 (Paramount+/VOD)

“After a near-fatal car accident, Sam wakes to discover he is trapped in an abandoned hospital by mysterious and sinister forces that have no intention of letting him leave.”

Don’t be fooled by the lackluster title and sales pitch — the trailer for this one looks like the stepchild of Resident Evil (2002) and Silent Hill (2006). And that’s a good thing.

ANT-MAN AND THE WASP: QUANTUMANIA / February 17, 2023 (Theaters) 

“Together, with Hope’s parents Hank Pym and Janet Van Dyne, the family finds themselves exploring the Quantum Realm, interacting with strange new creatures and embarking on an adventure that will push them beyond the limits of what they thought was possible.”

What they’ll discover is the creature-dwelling Quantum Realm is really…the Tug Tavern. (Like you didn’t see that coming.)

FREE TO A BAD HOME / February 17, 2023 (VOD)

“The lives of three strangers — a widow, a thief and an addict — are terrorized by cursed objects and those that spread them.”

I have a bedeviled candy dish. Everything that comes out of it makes you fat.

Desk-Sized Horror, Alien Hot Dogs, Upsetting Sandworms

Neil Frasier is a British multi-award winning poster, key and book cover artist. I, to date, am not. Nowhere near jealous, but rather bitch-ass envious over his meticulously-detailed art, showing up on such literary film works as Werewolves Within and Manfish, to Fangs vs. Spurs and Penny & The Poppies. (Hey, don’t knock the movie — it rocks. Or, at least it would if you were a pre-teen girl. Hater.)

As featured on his website NFG (Neil Frasier Graphics), are the just-released desktop series, depicting desk-sized posters of Aliens, Ghostbusters, Jaws and Home Alone, which I doubt I’ll buy because the movie had just too many distracting plot holes to be completely enjoyable.

The cost for these premium-printed posters (pre-tax/shipping) is 20£ British poundage or $24.348 U.S. dollarinis (more for the larger sizes). Each of these suitable-to-look-at posters come in four paper specs, two US: 17” x 11” and 24” x 16” and two British: A2 (“23.38 x 16.53”) and A3 (16.53” x 11.69”). Weirdo copy machines in England are f’d in the paper tray.

While you try and figure out what tax and shipping is to the States (I gave up), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not rock as much as Penny & The Poppies…

THE GHOST LIGHTS / Out now (Tubi)

“A journalist returns home after the death of her father and discovers a cassette tape describing mysterious lights appearing in the skies of West Texas. She sets out on a cross-state road trip to discover the truth.”

What’s a “cassette tape”? As with the ghost lights, that must be something of extraterrestrial origin, like the Internet or foot-long hot dogs.

WITCHES OF THE SANDS / January 1, 2023 (VOD)

“The World’s First Post-Modern, Blood-Drenched, Monster-Flying, Ghost-Hunting, Folk Horror, Southern-Gothic B-Movie.”

They had me at “The.”

THE DREADED BALLERINAS/ January 23, 2023 (VOD)

“An odd traveler named Nice Eyes walks the streets and deserts of Utah as his mind, body and soul deteriorate into a far more primitive state.”

Utah? Yep, he turned into a Mormon.

DUNE: PART TWO / November 3, 2023 (Theaters)

“Follow the mythic journey of Paul Atreides as he unites with Chani and the Fremen while on a warpath of revenge against the conspirators who destroyed his family. Facing a choice between the love of his life and the fate of the known Universe, Paul endeavors to prevent a terrible future only he can foresee.”

Loved Dune: Part One (2021), but those mega-giant sandworms that swim in sand of all things, really gooned me out. Was unable to eat foot-long hot dogs for at least a week after watching the movie for the first of seven times. Traumatized, I was.

Hot Heads, South America Roswell, Rich Vampires

Just in time for the Halloween season (every month except December), is a haunted skull cake pan from Nordic Ware™. (It’d be neat if all pans were haunted). And at $38.00 (pre-tax/shipping — click HERE), you’d have to have cake batter for brains to pass on this must-have cookware. 

From Nordic Ware™: “Add some fright to your festivities with this spooky grinning skull cake pan. This frightfully fun pan makes the perfect cake for spooky gatherings. Bake two halves in one pan and put together with icing to make a 3D masterpiece. Just add a simple glaze or confectioners’ sugar for spooky results.” I like spooky results. Except when it comes to my proctology exam.

For the Chef Boyardees™ reading this, here is the skull pan’s biography: Cast aluminum, 1.8 lbs, nine cup capacity, Lifetime Warranty™. A customer’s review: “I love this pan. I covered my skull in homemade marshmallow and hand-painted it to resemble a Day of the Dead skull.” Is making homemade marshmallow legal? Doesn’t bootleg marshmallow fall under controlled substances?

So while you’re waiting for your cake pan and to eat it, too, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not taste as good a pastry skull…

THE ELDERLY / Out now

“Manuel, an octogenarian, falls into a state of dementia after the sudden suicide of his wife, sparking a series of paranormal events that will put his family’s lives at risk. Starting as a grounded drama exploring the indignities of old age, The Elderly gradually snaps off one guardrail after another, building to a crescendo of sheer terror with imagery that can never be unseen.”

The unabridged pocket dictionary defines “Octogenarian” as being between 80 and 90 years of age. I thought it meant you had eight arms.

MOMENT OF CONTACT / October 18, 2022 (VOD)

“Known as the Roswell of Brazil, Moment of Contact is an exploration of extraterrestrial encounters centered on a series of events in 1996 when citizens of Varginha, Brazil reported seeing a UFO crash and one or more strange creatures.”

A documentary that could also work as a cool sci-fi movie. This is a landmark event that’s been floating around UFO emotional support groups for the last 2.5 decades, which, if all those online math lessons haven’t failed me, is 20 years with some extra years added. Moment of Contact should be good, as the trailer shows the filmmakers interviewing Varginha townsfolk who personally saw this E.T.-gone-wild stuff hit the government-denied fan.  

SLAYERS / OCTOBER 21, 2022 / (Theaters, Apple TV™)

“Elliot Jones, a kick-butt vampire slayer, has one mission: find the vampire who murdered his teenage daughter. But he’ll need the help of social media superstars — The Stream Team. Upon accepting an opportunity to meet reclusive billionaire Beverly Rektor, they discover she’s a descendant of a long line of vicious vamps. Jones is their only hope of survival and tonight he’ll have his revenge.”

A billionaire vampire. She must keep all her money in a blood bank. Don’t look at me like that. It’s all I had.

EVERYONE WILL BURN / Pending release (2022/2023)

“In a small village in Leon, Spain, María José prepares to end her life after failing to get over the death of her son years before. Everything changes when she receives a visit from Lucía, a strange little girl who might be connected to a local legend about stopping an impending apocalypse. With the enigmatic girl by her side, María José faces the corrupt community, triggering strange events and a series of horrific deaths among the local population.”

There are other girls who can make people flame on: Firestarter’s (1984) Charlene “Charlie” McGee (“mind fire”), Chilling Adventures of Sabrina’s (2018-2020) Sabrina Spellman (“Hell fire”), and Tinder, Burning Man’s kid (“hippie fire”). Bonus ability — all can roast hot dogs…in their hands! I wish I could roast hot dogs in my hand.