Archive for hippies

Werewolves, Shadow People, Aquaman, Hippies

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 13, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Watcher

Pretty sure my mailman is a werewolf. I have no other proof other than I never see him at night, full moon or not. And his eyebrows seem a bit bushier than the acceptable norm. I should order silverware from Amazon.com™ and see if he’ll deliver it. My hunch is that it’ll goon him out.

Until I get the proof I need — AND I WILL — here’s some upcoming new horror/sci-fi movies to goon out over…

THE WATCHER (April 18, 2017)
“Unaware of its terrible history, a young couple purchases their dream home. But it soon becomes clear that they may not be alone in the house. And that someone — or something — is determined to drive them out.”

It’s Hippies. Hippies want them out so they can squat there rent-free and play their Grateful Dead records way too loud, pound on bongos for three days non-stop and stink up the joint because hippies are afraid of bathtubs. Easy way to get rid of hippies — introduce them to the glory of the washcloth.

Be Afraid

BE AFRAID (June 1, 2017)
“Not long after John Chambers and his family arrive at their new home in a small country town of Pennsylvania, John begins to experience sleep paralysis. Lying there paralyzed, trapped within his own nightmare, other-worldly beings visit John. They are entities which exist in the darkest shadows of the night and can only be seen out of the corner of one’s eye. These encounters begin to haunt John, transforming to complete terror as he discovers the entities’ sole purpose…the abduction of his seven year old son. In the end, John will uncover the town’s horrific secret, a portal on his land, and make one last attempt to save his son before the shadow people permanently take him away to their world.”

You don’t have to be a shadow person to have some fun with people who suffer from sleep paralysis. All you need is a magic marker, duct tape and a camera. Ask anyone whose ever came down with beer paralysis at a keggar.

Camera Obscura

CAMERA OBSCURA (June 9, 2017)
“A veteran war photographer with PTSD sees imminent deaths in his developed photos, questioning his already fragile sanity and putting the lives of those he loves in danger.”

This borrows heavily from a 1999 episode of The X-Files. It was called “Tithonus” and it had a guy who knew when you were about to die and took your picture at the point of death. That was back before smart phones with cameras built in, so he had to go home and develop the pics. Today you can snap “death selfies” and see the results instantly. Technology is pretty neat. P.S. Don’t hire this guy to photograph your wedding.

American Satan

AMERICAN SATAN (Summer, 2017)
“A group of young men hailing from the U.S. and England drop out of college and move to Hollywood’s infamous Sunset Strip to pursue their dreams of becoming a rock & roll sensation.”

Where’s the satan part? Is he one of the band members? If so, does he play guitar? And what kind of guitar is it? I bet it’s loud as…HELL. Heh.

Justic League

JUSTICE LEAGUE (November 11, 2017)
Yep, already wrote about this one, but this is a new poster. I have two questions — where’s Superman? Yeah, he croaked in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016), but just lay his Kryptonian corpse out in the sun for a while and he’ll be good as new. Not his costume, though. Big hole in the chest area. Not sure how you’d sew that up. Secondly, how can you tell if Aquaman wets his pants? I guess only clams know.

Porno Ghosts, Alcoholic Werewolves, Yuletide Bleedings

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 12, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Krampus: The Devil Returns

According to IMDb (Internet Movie Database) – the world’s most popular and authoritative source for movie, TV and celebrity content (their words, not mine), there are almost 2,000 horror movies either in-production, post-production, being shopped around, and/or finished/released for 2016. Dang. I’m still wading through the 2,000 horror movies released in 2015.

And to think my sole purpose in life was to sit in front of a TV and watch every horror movie ever made and then write about ’em in this here blog dealie. That I’ve never been paid to do this is beside the point. So yeah, this might take a bit longer than expected as I’m about 11,017 horror/sci-fi movies behind. I should’ve learned to play the clarinet. There’s money in that, right? I could switch to tuba if the coin is better. Lemme know.

Anyway…

KRAMPUS: THE DEVIL RETURNS (2016)
“Five years after the murder of his wife and disappearance of his daughter, former police officer Jeremy Duffin is brought back to help in the hunt for a yuletide monster that punishes children that have been “naughty.” As the monster becomes more erratic and unpredictable, Jeremy learns the truth about the disappearance of his daughter and the fate that has been bestowed upon him by an unlikely source. Can Jeremy finally end the nightmare Christmas monster that has terrorized this town for years?”

Krampus: The Christmas Devil

Happily, Krampus — who hands out extreme death instead of extreme toys — seems to be the go-to holiday horror figurehead these days. In just the last several years, five and/or six Krampus movies have been released. In case you’re writing this down, this is the sequel to Krampus: The Christmas Devil (2013).

And if you’re wondering who/what a Krampus is, here’s what the holy bible (Wikipedia™) has to say about that: “In Austro-Bavarian Alpine folklore, Krampus is a horned, anthropomorphic figure described as “half-goat, half-demon” who, during the Christmas season, punishes children who have misbehaved. I am SO doomed.

Another Wolfcop

ANOTHER WOLFCOP (2016)
“After saving the small town of Woodhaven from a gang of evil reptilian shapeshifters, alcoholic werewolf cop Lou Garou is finding it hard to keep a low profile. Instead, he roams the street at night, gleefully and violently disposing of criminals and stealing boxes of Liquor Donuts causing all sorts of problems for his former-partner-turned-chief Tina.”

It all boils down to this selling point: Alcoholic werewolf. It’s like they filmed my dreams. Another Wolfcop is a bit of a challenge to find as they claim it came out in September of 2016. No one sent me a complimentary DVD, so I guess I’ll just have to go back to sleep and watch it.

Paranormal Sex Tape

PARANORMAL SEX TAPE (2016)
“Based on real events that occurred in Europe in 2010. There are over 25,000 demonic possessions reported each year – many of those claim to be possessed during sexual intercourse. After a steamy night captured on video, a couple watches their sex tape. But they discover something ancient and very evil on the tape, something that’s watching them…following them…possessing them.”

Based on real events? Kind of an understatement given how many people film themselves rubbing fuzzies. And why would they freak out that an ancient evil ghost is watching them rub said fuzzies? The NSFW video will probably end up on YouTube™ for 100 million people/poltergeists to see. For free.

Pacifico

PACIFICO (2016)
“A group of young travelers are stranded on an island in the Pacific where they struggle to escape an evil presence that has been kept hidden from mankind for centuries.”

Pfffttt — Young travelers, my eye…these are beach hippies. There’s your real evil presence.

Aliens Taking A Crop

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 19, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Silent Warnings

In the time waster Silent Warnings (2003), a nutbag survivalist in Oregon gets himself blown up real good while chasing aliens invading his remote farm.

Silent Warnings

So his cousin, just now graduating from college, rounds up five friends (three of which are supermodels) to clean up the inherited property, sell it, then probably buy drugs with which to get high.

Silent Warnings

These city hippies discover crop circles all over the farm’s cornfields and notice that everything is starting to smell electrical. Then there are the nightly visitations, abductions, then ultimately a confrontation with the aliens who are using crop circles as a means of transportation. A sort of Old McDonald Stargate, if you happen to be partially standing in a spot where the circles suddenly appear, you’re vertically cut in half, as illustrated with the Cuisinart-ing of one post-grad student.

Silent Warnings

By the time the sheriff arrives, everybody’s screaming and shooting at the aliens, neither of which are doing any good. Somebody figures out that iron is the only thing that’ll kill the spacey farmjackers. Once again, metal saves the day.

Silent Warnings

The aliens are digitally transposed into scenes and look like 1980s cartoon figures. I offered to put on an alien suit to scare the smug outta those thugs, but the movie’s producer said aliens don’t have beer guts. How the hell does he know? He ever been to Mars? I have. In fact I’m going there as soon as I gas up the ’ol Stargate.

Killer Flowers

Posted in Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 2, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Premonition

Also known as The Impure and Head, Premonition (1972) is a cautionary horror turd about the ramifications of doing non-prescription drugs.

Premonition

College hippies, not content with chugging Nyquil™ or snorting crushed up baby aspirin to open their doors of perception, find red flowers with reputed mind-expanding properties, and decide to put that to the test. But a rose by any other name is not exactly so in this case.

Premonition

Once the flower’s fun stuff gets into your body, you experience premonitions about your own death. (Note: this does not happen when you try to get high off yellow or lavender flowers. Those will just make you load yer britches.)

Premonition And if you didn’t figure it out, each dies in the manner they premonitioned. I tried the red flower and “saw” myself drowning in beer. The flower was right — I’ve been doing that every day of my life.

Aliens, Zombies, Ghosts, Frogs & Hippies

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 2, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

10 Cloverfield Lane

Always look forward to the avalanche of post-holiday upcoming horror/sci-fi movies  every year. Why? More couch/snack time, b*tches! You wouldn’t want me to deny the couch the glory of my glory, would you? I sure as flip hope not.

Cloverfield

Anyway, a preview of six new impending new ones, starting with the tantalizing 10 Cloverfield Lane (March 11, 2016), which many Internet butt trolls are insisting is a sequel to 2008’s mega cool monster movie, Cloverfield. (The same thing was theorized about Super 8/2011).It’s made by the same guy, so there’s a legit connection. Plus it has the word “Cloverfield” in it, yet another “clue.”

Super 8

But other than those enigmatic ads, you really don’t get a sense of what the flip. The only fact for certain is they didn’t hire me as an extra. Those nobs.

Alienated

Up next is Alienated, due out March 25 theaters/March 31 VOD. Here’s the who/what/where on the dealio: “Alienated is a science-fiction chiller that tells the story of a married couple forced to confront their fatal relationship issues while on the brink of a possible alien abduction.”

I can guess what their problem is: Not enough probing, followed by too much probing. Marriages and exploratory extraterrestrials don’t really mix. Unless you live in a trailer park.

Dead Afterlife

Dead Afterlife is a sci-fi/ghost/zombie/religion/drug movie releasing sometime in 2016. Here’s what the studio’s front desk told me about it to get me to quit calling: “Imagine watching your own funeral as a ghost and then the unthinkable happens, your undead body climbs out of your coffin and starts killing and eating your friends and family. What would you do?”

That’s an easy one – I’d sh*t my pants, then immediately head to the nearest gas station restroom to freshen up. But they go on to say that after pharmaceutical scientist, Donald Conlee dies, his problems are just beginning. “The Gatekeeper has given Donald a time limit to return his zombie self to the ground – or else his soul can never gain access into Heaven. To complicate matters, he finds out his murderer is at the funeral and his girlfriend is in grave danger.”

Don’t you mean “former girlfriend”? If she was smart, she’d be re-hooked up the second the last shovel full of dirt sealed the deal.

Bad Blood

More drugs with Bad Blood (March, 2006). Frogs, too. (Not sure, but I think I overheard some hippies talking about licking frogs to get high. When you stick a reptile in your mouth, you pretty much deserve what you get.) Anyway…

“Parents suspect drugs are behind their missing daughter and hire a private investigator to get her back. The reality, however, is much worse – a horrific amphibian attack has left the girl infected with a mutagenic disease.”

Hey hippies – try licking the diseased daughter and see where that’ll take your mind, you morons.

The Darkness

The painfully generic titled The Darkness (May 13, 2016) is about a supernatural whozit who pretty much does what all supernatural whozits do: “As a family returns from a vacation they innocently bring home a supernatural force that preys off their own fears and vulnerabilities, threatening to destroy them from within while consuming their lives with terrifying consequences.

YOL. (Yawn out loud.)

The Other Side of the Door

The Other Side of the Door (March 4, 2016) comes across as YET ANOTHER spin on the ‘ol Monkey’s Paw dealio, best done as Pet Sematary back in 1983: “A mother lost her son and discovers a ritual that lets her say goodbye to her dead child and mistakenly opens the veil between the dead and this world. Now she has to risk all to save her family from the spirit that was her dear son.”

I bet the ritual came with a chant to resurrect her dead kid: “Clean your room, eat your vegetables, quit killing your sister…”

Mammoth Fail

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 10, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mammoth

A museum curator has a completely preserved woolly mammoth encased in a block of ice, ready to over-charge people to see.

For whatever reason, he drills through the ice and extracts a transmitter that was lodged in the mammoth’s butt area. This “analometer” suddenly activates and sends out a deep space transmission to a flying sausage, uh, saucer. Said UFO makes a u-turn for earth. I don’t know why. Neither will you.

Mammoth

Out of nowhere a flaming meteor streaks across the Louisiana skies and crashes into the museum, waking up the slumbering beast. Before it goes outside to get a breath of future air, it sucks all the life force out of a museum guard via its trunk. As much as I wanted to be making that up, I’m not.

Mammoth

Later, two government agents – clearly aware of the extraterrestrial nature of the “awakening” – show up to track the monster and have space guns that presumably emit mammoth-stopping waves of some sort. After that, the whole plot gets really dumb.

Mammoth

The elephant in Mammoth (2006) looks like one of the Banana Splits™. While it does have a decent roar (I wish my car horn sounded like that – then those stinkin’ hippies would RUN), it only gores one person with its tusks of doom and stomps the entire car a guy was trying to hide under.

The whole thing is played for laughs, which falls as flat as the guy under the car is now. Someone saves the day but at what price? I get the feeling I may have paid a bigger price by watching this dud.

Alien Rock Spiders

Posted in Aliens, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 7, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Apollo 18

The real surprise wasn’t that we discovered extraterrestrial rock spiders on the moon, it’s that we never brought ’em back and figured out how to make money off them.

Apollo 18

Apollo 18, a top secret three-man moon landing mission back in the ’70s, was a Dept. of Defense grocery run. What they instructed the astronauts to do is set up a bunch of cameras to “spy” on Russia. Kinda hard to do when the Russians already have a lunar module just around the crater, it’s pilot found dead and his corpse drained of any and all vodka.

Apollo 18

Doesn’t take long before interrupted signals, U.S. flags uprooted and lunar rovers looking like a destruction derby start rattling the nerves of the two guys on the moon’s surface. (The other guy was orbiting and thanking the lucky stars around him that he wasn’t being attacked by rock spider aliens).

Apollo 18

As “found footage” goes, the recreation of the moon landing and authentic look of our most boring space neighbor, is pretty cool. And even as kinda neat as the spider aliens are, all we get to do is watch the astronauts’ impending doom. The Dept. of Defense throws in an obvious twist, something you could’ve seen from Mars. But without more backstory, Apollo 18 (2011), as ambitious as it is, lands on a flat surface. Kinda like the moon, home of alien rock spiders who have no respect for the American flag, those hippies.