Archive for nightmare

Illustrative UFOs, Recording Nightmares, Mobster Monsters

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 5, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

UFO Drawings From The National Archives

If you like books with pictures, then put UFO Drawings from the National Archives by author David Clarke on your f*cket list. Arriving February 27, 2018 (for a mere $25.00 hardcover on Amazon.com), UFO Drawings sky is loaded with hand-illustrated recreations of UFO sightings by real people who experienced them, many who have little to no artistic abilities/credibilities.

UFO Drawings From The National Archives

The book’s plaintive press release spins it like saucer: “Originally set up after a request from Winston Churchill, the Ministry of Defense’s UFO Desk ran for over 60 years, collating mysterious sightings and records of strange objects in the sky from observant, and sometimes imaginative, members of the public. As well as letters and official reports, the UFO files contain photographs, drawings and even paintings of these curious sightings.”

UFO Drawings From The National Archives

David Clarke has selected examples from The National Archives to present a history of British UFO art and the remarkable stories behind these images, including an alien craft on the A1, flying saucers over Hampstead, and a spaceship landing at a primary school in Macclesfield.”

Chicken in a Flying Saucer

The only things I can draw are curtains, bathwater and flies. Old joke, but dang, gold is gold. I could probably sketch a UFO, but would have to see one first as a point of reference. Sure, I’ve seen plenty of flying saucers. But to witness an actual unidentified flying object would be to live the dream.

While I throw YET ANOTHER bit coin into the clearly malfunctioning wishing well, here are a few just released and/or coming soon horror/sci-fi drama thrillers (i.e., made for TV) movies to illustrate the genre…

Scareycrows

SCAREYCROWS (available now)
“A trainee hairdresser discovers her boyfriend is keeping a dark secret. Soon her world crashes around her as the quiet seaside town where she was born is overrun by homicidal scareycrows.”

Scareycrows. That’s right up there with Mikey Myers and Badabdooky. What’s next — King Kongster?

Skybound

SKYBOUND (November 7, 2017/VOD)
“Five plane passengers are unable to land after a mysterious disaster happens on the ground, but they may be in worse danger than they thought when a stowaway is discovered on board carrying a dangerous secret.”

Yeesh – that’s enough to make a stewardess do some involuntary crop-dusting (Farting silently up and down the plane’s aisle.) I’m a fan of aircraft disaster movies (examples: The Horror at 37,000 Feet/1973, Flight of the Living Dead/2007, Altitude (2007), and don’t have a fear of flying. But I do have a fear of not flying.

InControl

INCONTROL (2018)
“A group of university students discover a device that allows them to take control of others and experience the world through someone else’s body. As they push the machine’s abilities to its limits, they don’t realize their own lives have been manipulated, and they descend into a nightmare with no return.”

Was this not the framework of 1995’s Strange Days and even 1984’s Dreamscape? In that one, it was all fun and games when someone recorded having themselves having sex and shared it with others. But when they put the recording device on a monkey’s head, things went doo-flinging crazy. For me, though, it was just another day.

Made Vicious

MADE VICIOUS (2018)
“Jim is a widower trying to raise his daughter while keeping the peace in a small town. While dealing with his debt to Victor, a mobster, a monster is awakened and begins to wreak havoc.”

Seems like they’re trying to cram too much into the plot here. I can help — “a monster is awakened and begins to wreak havoc.” Don’t bore us, get to the chorus.

Shadow People, Fender Bender UFOs, Last Call Hags

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 27, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Awaken The Shadowman

Thinking about getting a painless tattoo. Up until now, the only needle I’ve felt the sting with is those annual anti-zombie virus shots I get as insurance. Nope, the canvas that is my remarkably soft skin is ink free. And yet, how cool would it be to get a tattoo of the Alien chest-burster on my back? I’d put it on my chest, but that’s what society would EXPECT. That’s a rule. I don’t do rules. Although, as a rule, I brush my teeth twice a day. So yeah, a bit hypocritical of me, but as I always say, be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.

Speaking of things that may or may not have bite, here are few more upcoming horror and sci-fi movies to sink your teeth into. Chew with your mouth closed, please. Not a rule, just common courtesy.

AWAKEN THE SHADOWMAN (July 21, 2017 (Limited); July 25, 2017 (VOD)
“After the mysterious disappearance of their mother, estranged brothers reunite and discover an unknown supernatural force.”

Is it Slenderman working on a new stand-up routine? Is it a prankster poltergeist looking to get you to involuntarily soil the sheets? (Which would be flippin’ hysterical.) Is it a half-transparent baby-sitter? Is it all of the above? I can only hope and pray by crossing my fingers really hard.

Landing Lake

LANDING LAKE (2017)
“When a technical team is sent to repair a communication station they quickly realize that something may be coming from the nearby lake that is affecting their minds. As they lose their inhibitions their most primal desires take hold. It seems that only one of the team is permitted to bond with the unseen entity and so be reborn in a new body. A terrifying game of strategy not to survive, but rather to die with the promise of life anew.”

This one’s already getting attention, but for the wrong reasons. One horror movie blog says it’s a prime candidate for the worse movie trailer of the year. Geez, don’t sugar coat it, guys. From what I was able to piece together is that a UFO crashed landed up at Crash Landing Lake (heh) a while back and no one came looking for it. I would’ve — and I’d sell it on Craigslist™ and become a billionaire. So yeah, probably alien gunk got into the lake and anyone skinny dipping in it is gonna have their cracked Liberty Bell infected by said space goo. This often ends in hilarious results.

Blue Book

BLUE BOOK (2017/History Channel)
Blue Book is a scripted UFO drama series chronicling the true top secret U.S. Air Force-sponsored investigations into UFO-related phenomena in the 1950s and ’60s, known as Project Blue Book. The series follows Dr. J. Allen Hynek, a brilliant college professor recruited by the U.S. Air Force to spearhead this clandestine operation that researched thousands of cases, many of which were never solved. Each episode will draw from the actual files, blending UFO theories with authentic historical events from one of the most mysterious eras in United States history.”

UFOs seem to be getting a bump up these days, what with the ongoing success of Ancient Aliens. So it makes sense do a spin-off series about all those TRUE stories of saucers and the unearthly pilots that fly and sometimes run ‘em into New Mexico dirt. Wonder if aliens are have to carry saucer insurance? If so, what are the rates? Hopefully Blue Book will fill in these blanks

Slumber

SLUMBER (2017)
“Alice, a rationally minded sleep doctor, is forced to abandon scientific reason and accept a family is being terrorized by a parasitic demon which has existed in every human culture since records began. Paralyzing victims as they sleep, the ‘Night Hag’ is the original Nightmare.”

Night Hag — that’s what we refer to the last call gals at The Poggie Tavern. And I wouldn’t put it past ‘em to mess with you while you’re trying to deal with hangover paralysis. FYI: keep your wallet in your front pocket.

Werewolves, Shadow People, Aquaman, Hippies

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 13, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Watcher

Pretty sure my mailman is a werewolf. I have no other proof other than I never see him at night, full moon or not. And his eyebrows seem a bit bushier than the acceptable norm. I should order silverware from Amazon.com™ and see if he’ll deliver it. My hunch is that it’ll goon him out.

Until I get the proof I need — AND I WILL — here’s some upcoming new horror/sci-fi movies to goon out over…

THE WATCHER (April 18, 2017)
“Unaware of its terrible history, a young couple purchases their dream home. But it soon becomes clear that they may not be alone in the house. And that someone — or something — is determined to drive them out.”

It’s Hippies. Hippies want them out so they can squat there rent-free and play their Grateful Dead records way too loud, pound on bongos for three days non-stop and stink up the joint because hippies are afraid of bathtubs. Easy way to get rid of hippies — introduce them to the glory of the washcloth.

Be Afraid

BE AFRAID (June 1, 2017)
“Not long after John Chambers and his family arrive at their new home in a small country town of Pennsylvania, John begins to experience sleep paralysis. Lying there paralyzed, trapped within his own nightmare, other-worldly beings visit John. They are entities which exist in the darkest shadows of the night and can only be seen out of the corner of one’s eye. These encounters begin to haunt John, transforming to complete terror as he discovers the entities’ sole purpose…the abduction of his seven year old son. In the end, John will uncover the town’s horrific secret, a portal on his land, and make one last attempt to save his son before the shadow people permanently take him away to their world.”

You don’t have to be a shadow person to have some fun with people who suffer from sleep paralysis. All you need is a magic marker, duct tape and a camera. Ask anyone whose ever came down with beer paralysis at a keggar.

Camera Obscura

CAMERA OBSCURA (June 9, 2017)
“A veteran war photographer with PTSD sees imminent deaths in his developed photos, questioning his already fragile sanity and putting the lives of those he loves in danger.”

This borrows heavily from a 1999 episode of The X-Files. It was called “Tithonus” and it had a guy who knew when you were about to die and took your picture at the point of death. That was back before smart phones with cameras built in, so he had to go home and develop the pics. Today you can snap “death selfies” and see the results instantly. Technology is pretty neat. P.S. Don’t hire this guy to photograph your wedding.

American Satan

AMERICAN SATAN (Summer, 2017)
“A group of young men hailing from the U.S. and England drop out of college and move to Hollywood’s infamous Sunset Strip to pursue their dreams of becoming a rock & roll sensation.”

Where’s the satan part? Is he one of the band members? If so, does he play guitar? And what kind of guitar is it? I bet it’s loud as…HELL. Heh.

Justic League

JUSTICE LEAGUE (November 11, 2017)
Yep, already wrote about this one, but this is a new poster. I have two questions — where’s Superman? Yeah, he croaked in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016), but just lay his Kryptonian corpse out in the sun for a while and he’ll be good as new. Not his costume, though. Big hole in the chest area. Not sure how you’d sew that up. Secondly, how can you tell if Aquaman wets his pants? I guess only clams know.

Creatures, Ghosts and STDs

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 17, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Man VS

Watched a documentary on 1980s horror movie scream queens the other day. Surprised to find out these often naked and hired-to-shriek actresses made less than an average 7-Eleven™ manager’s assistant’s intern. Shocking revelation, but at least you get a screen credit; no one in the history of 7-Eleven™ has ever had their picture — let alone their name — on any one of its fine and potentially healthy microwaveable products. Talk about unsung heroes.

Here’s some upcoming low paydays for a few people…

MAN VS (February 14, 2017/VOD)
As host of his own hit TV series, MAN VS, Doug Woods is forced to fend for himself for five days in remote locations with no crew, food, or water, only the cameras he carries on his back to film his experiences. Doug’s in the remote woods for a routine episode, until he’s awoken by an earth-shaking crash. Things get weirder as it becomes clear Doug isn’t alone. Someone or something is watching him. MAN VS is a gripping ‘found footage’ thriller about one man’s extraordinary desire to survive at all costs.”

Not a fan of these types of TV shows. I’m always rooting for nature to put these fame hungry participants out of my misery. So what might be in the woods going after Woods? (Really? They couldn’t give him another last name?) My guess is media critics and/or low ratings.

Lake Alice

LAKE ALICE (2017)
“It’s Christmas at an isolated cabin in the subzero temperatures of northern Wisconsin where the days are short and the nights last forever. As a blizzard descends on Lake Alice, so does evil, as the Thomas family is hunted down one by one. The family struggles to stay alive as their numbers slowly dwindle.”

Numbers always dwindle in subzero temps — and casinos. My first thought is why would a family go to an isolated cabin in a blizzard on Christmas when there are lots of nice and warm cocktail lounges within $1 of gas distance? As for the “evil” dogging the Thomas clan on Christmas, it’s probably Krampus. Gotta say, I like that guy.

Gremlin

GREMLIN (2017)
“A man receives a mysterious box containing a terrible secret, a creature that will kill everyone else in his family unless he passes it on to someone he loves to continue its never-ending circulation. He can’t destroy it. He can’t escape it. He can only give it to someone he loves before it’s too late.”

Sounds like a cross between The Ring (2002) and It Follows (2014). As for passing along a terrible secret to someone he loves, I’m thinkin’ herpes.

The Lodgers

THE LODGERS (2017)
“A sister and brother are haunted by a secret curse that forces them to remain in the large estate home left to them by their dead parents. But when a young man who falls in love with the sister tries to free her, his attempt sets off a deadly chain reaction.”

Forced to remain in a large estate home without parents? Sucks to be you. Try living in a nightmare apartment building with loud and obnoxious butt-heads being loud and obnoxious day in and day out. And don’t get me started on the overflowing recycling dumpster that only gets emptied once a month or the never ending semi trucks delivering frozen hockey puck “meat” patties to the McDonald’s™ behind said nightmare apartment building.

Dogged by Man-Dog

Posted in Classic Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 15, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mongrel

Jerry is having nightmares, which is like a tummy ache in your head. He keeps dreaming that he’s a rabid man-dog, chewing up his fellow temp tenants of the slummy boarding house. Then he wakes up, only to find a few baorders have chewed up like postman-flavored Milk Bones™.

Mongrel

The nightmares began after he sees one of the tenants teasing the landlord’s dog, Sir Barks-a-Lot. (Actually, that’s not really the pup’s name, but it fits as he won’t quit yapping.)  The dog breaks loose and goes for the pot roast that is the guy’s neck. The dog is shot for not finishing his dinner. This clearly upsets Jerry, thus the traumares (trauma nightmares).

Mongrel

There’s a cute gal who leads him on, yet won’t fill his dog dish with some lovin’, if you catch my drift. There’s also a couple of bully asshooks who accidentally kill one of the boarders during a joke gone bad. So much for Ken’s ‘80s blow-dried hair, mid-western affable good looks and J.C. Pennys’ briefs. (He was electrocuted after being shocked awake, knocked over a discount lamp, which landed in a puddle of water from a shattered vase. I guess those flowers might’ve been used for his funeral, except everyone decides to cover up the killing and buries him without ceremony. So much for tradition. And this goons out  Jerry even more.

Mongrel

In dude-dog form, Jerry growls like an empty stomach and goes on a biting spree. Before he can make dinner out of the cute gal that won’t put it on the floor for him (to be fair, she did give him a back rub earlier, sending signals that there was an open road to romance ahead), the cranky, rifle-toting landlord shows up and has an Old Yeller moment with Jerry.

Mongrel

Mongrel (1982) is so bad and low-budget, the actors — starring Mitch Pileggi (The X-Files’ Agent Skinner) in his movie debut — probably paid the director to be in it. Thought this one was gonna be a werewolf movie, but it was not. Watching it ended up being the first time a dog put a human to sleep.

Cannibals, Vampires, Talking Trees

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 25, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Child Eater

Lots of horror movies as of late. Wonder that the stinkin’ heck that’s all about? Not like it’s goonin’ me out or anything. Okay, maybe a little.

CHILD EATER (2016)
“Taking it’s cues from dark fairy tales, the story concerns of simple night of babysitting, which takes a horrifying turn when Helen realizes that the bogeyman is real and is in little Lucas’ closet.”

Gotta say, this might be the best horror movie title with a kid reference since 1972’s Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things. Child Eater is based on a 2012 short of the same name. Never saw it. I was busy washing and combing my hair the entire year. (And what a shine!)

Wolves at the Door

WOLVES AT THE DOOR (2017)
“Four friends gather at an elegant home during the Summer of Love, 1969. Unbeknown to them, deadly visitors are waiting outside. What begins as a simple farewell party turns to a night of primal terror as the intruders stalk and torment the four, who struggle for their lives against what appears to be a senseless attack.”

A questionable rendering of the counter-culture Manson murders nearly 50 years ago. Who needs hippie reenactments when today’s home invasion die kill bleed movies (i.e., Them/2006, The Strangers/2008, and You’re Next/2013) are almost as nasty as the real thing?

The Devil's Candy

THE DEVIL’S CANDY (March, 2017)
“A struggling painter is possessed by satanic forces after he and his young family move into their dream home in rural Texas.”

Since most painters are struggling, by extension that means they’re all possessed by satanic forces. That, or cadmium yellow.

Leatherface

LEATHERFACE (2017)
“The origin story for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974), in which a young nurse is kidnapped by four violent teens who escape from a mental hospital and take her on a road trip from hell. Pursued by an equally deranged lawman out for revenge, one of these teens is destined for tragedy and horrors that will destroy his mind, molding him into the monster we now call Leatherface.”

The seventh sequel for this butt-rubbed-raw franchise (that was supposed to come out 2015). You ever see a cow that’s been over-milked? Looks like leather.

The Transfiguration

THE TRANSFIGURATION (2017)
“A 14-year-old misfit gets bullied at school and immerses himself in the world of vampires to escape his solitude when he returns home.”

You can tell this kid is already messed up when he delves into the world of vampires instead of preferred Victoria’s Secret™ underwear catalogs. Sorry bloodsuckers; I’m tradin’ you in for a Dream Angels’™ sheer floral lace tunic. I don’t care if it costs $68. I’ll get another job.

Without Name

WITHOUT NAME (2017)
There’s something bizarre and nightmarish waiting in the woods, and its sights are set on Eric, a land surveyor who’s tasked with assessing the woodland area in question just as his marriage is about to crumble. Stressed out by his fractured home life, Eric is tragically susceptible to the woods’ powerful ability to enter the emotionally wounded man’s mind and wreak both physical and mental havoc on him.”

Hey, Eric — don’t listen to those trees, man; They’re a bunch of Republicans. Bushes, too. (Heh.) And don’t get me started on that smack talkin’ Scotch broom…

Horror Massacre’d

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 31, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

The suggestive noun “massacre” – a 1580s, French word meaning “wholesale slaughter, carnage” – first got its Broadway movie marquee worthy start in 1974 with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Few, if any horror movies, has ever had a better title. You didn’t even need to see it as the name said it all and gave you nightmares in your pants.

Horror Massacre

This set off a series of horror movies using that highly marketable buzzword, including The Slumber Party Massacre (1982), Sorority House Massacre (1986), Nail Gun Massacre (1985), Swingers Massacre (1975), Drive-in Massacre (1977), and my fav, Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre (aka, Harpoon/2009). P.S. No whales were massacred during the filming of said movie – just endangered people.

Now, because it just seems right, “massacre” is making a comeback, despite the evening news tarnishing its reputation. Three new horror movies – Garden Party Massacre, The Funhouse Massacre and Sheborg Massacre, all have imminent release dates as it pertains to the calendar you’re looking at on your smartass phone.

Here’s press release sales pitches as to why you might let these movies massacre your wallet…

Garden Party Massacre

GARDEN PARTY MASSACRE
A fast-paced, hilarious romp in the vein of Shaun of the Dead (2004) and Tucker and Dale vs. Evil (2010), telling the tale of a backyard gathering of friends that goes horribly awry when an unexpected guest arrives. With a pickax. And an attitude.

The Funhouse Massacre

THE FUNHOUSE MASSACRE
Six of the worlds scariest psychopaths escape from a local asylum and proceed to unleash terror on the unsuspecting crowd of a Halloween Funhouse whose themed mazes are inspired by their various reigns of terror.

Sheborg Massacre

SHEBORG MASSACRE
When an alien fugitive crash lands into a local puppy farm and begins turning people into machines that feed on puppy flesh, Dylan – a self styled tough girl and punk activist — has to decide if she believes in any cause enough to risk her life, take on the SheBorg menace, and save the world.

Daily News

All three sound pretty cool. Doubtful they’ll instill as much horifying impact as the evening news, though. Thanks, mainstream media, for desensitizing me. Now all I do is laugh when watching horror movies. We weren’t supposed to do that.