Archive for Scream Queens

Downloadable Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 19, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

HorrorVision

Too bad this doesn’t happen in real life — anyone who logs on to horrorvision.com gets assimilated into the Internet and their souls digitized, thus rendering them unliving. Bye-bye trolls. This is what happens when the web becomes self-aware — and stinky hackers find themselves getting hacked.

HorrorVision

The webmaster behind the evil-encoded web site is a mysterious entity calling himself “Manifesto.” (Personally, I would have chosen the name “Captain Download” or “Johnny Modem.”) A hacker’s Goth girlfriend is sucked into Microsoft™ oblivion, and he spends the rest of the movie remembering the Goth good times they used to have, and trying to find her by hollering at everyone. 

HorrorVision

An ominous man with a cool coat speaks to him cryptically, and together they track down this Manifesto — a 10-foot garbage can with a dirty bath rug for a hat. Lots of swearing, implied sex, a long driving scene set to an even longer Goth ballad, and a confrontation in the desert with Garbage Can Head, uh, I mean the great and powerful Manifesto. HorrorVision (2001) is about as exciting as AOL™.

Color Coordinated Aliens, Devil Diapers, Burning Man Zombies

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, UFOs, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 1, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Christopher Shy

Horror/sci-fi/fantasy artist Christopher Shy should be a billionaire for his stunning illustrative interpretations of classic genre movies like Alien (1979), A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), Salem’s Lot (1979), The Shining (1980), The Walking Dead (2018) and more. Maybe he already is in a higher tax bracket; I haven’t tried to borrow money from him. Yet.

Christopher Shy

These ridiculously brilliant art pieces are not only suitable for framing, but belong in a museum that doesn’t smell like wet books. Shy founded Ronin Studios in 1994 and has arted for movie companies like Lionsgate and Marvel, as well as acrylically expressing himself for Dark Horse Comics and more. Wonder how much he’d charge to paint my house to look like the demon rental cabin in The Evil Dead (1981)? Probably more bit coins than I currently have in my bit piggy bank.

Christopher Shy

While you drool over these magnificent art of works, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to distract you from the fact you’re not as talented as Christopher Shy

The Possessed

THE POSSESSED (April 6, 2018)
“When two documentary students venture into a small rural village, they witness a local ‘soul restoring’ ceremony. Upon investigation, they’re introduced to an exorcist who educates them on the exorcisms performed throughout the village’s history.”

I wanna be an exorcist when I grow up. You get to travel to exotic trailer parks, meet people who swear, float and puke gas station food, and make a difference to people who clearly take the bible literally. 

Bus Party To Hell

BUS PARTY TO HELL (April 13, 2018)
“When a party bus on its way to Burning Man filled with a bunch of sexy young adults breaks down in the desert and in the middle of a group of Satanic worshipers, all hell literally breaks loose. A massacre leaves seven survivors trapped on the bus, fighting for their lives while wondering if someone or someones are not what they seem.”

Not seeing the difference to the part buses that go to Burning Man every year. This one has zombie mummies, as well. Unless you’re a naked hippie attending Burning Man, the next popular dress code is being a mummy. More effective than sun block.

Gray Matter

GRAY MATTER ( April 20, 2018)
“After a meteorite crashes to earth awakening the extraterrestrial creature within, a young woman is abducted by an alien ‘gray’ to aide in hunting down and destroying the creature before it can reach a second meteorite that fell to earth decades earlier unleashing its deadly infestation of earth.”

I thought charcoal-colored aliens were called ‘greys’, not ‘grays.’ Calling ‘em Grays means they should accessorize with colors like seafoam, rose, marshmallow and cherry to properly color coordinate. If you’re an alien, this will match your season and help to blend in with hipster corporate executives and Mormons. 

The Sitter

THE SITTER (June, 2018)
Charlotte, a broke college student, gets a gig to house sit for an eccentric couple for a long weekend. She couldn’t believe how lucky she is. When darkness falls, things start to take a far more sinister turn. Charlotte is unable to shake the feeling that her every move is being watched and it is not long before her worst fears are confirmed — there is something else in the house with her…”

Um, was this not the exact same premise of House of the Devil (2009)? In that one the broke college student earns her pay by changing the diapers of the Devil, an experience later described as “hellish.” Heh.

El Chupacabra vs. The Law

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 27, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Guns of El Chupacabra

Jack B. Quick is a space sheriff, whose job on Earth, is to eliminate that pesky sucker of goats, the legendary Chupacabra. He’ll have his Jack hands full; this Chupacabra is six-feet tall, looks like a cross between a seafood platter entree and Japanese pro wrestler, and is actually the presumably housebroken pet of Lord Invader.

Guns of El Chupacabra

Sent by the Queen Bee and King Allmedia (are you groaning out loud yet?), Jack has to be Quick around the Chupacabra in order to not get his goat blood sucked or admonished by the Queen, whose shirt stuffers are metaphorically the size of orbiting planets.

Guns of El Chupacabra

Jack chases Chupacabra around in his spacecraft, an early model Plymouth. To assist in his quest, he packs a shotgun (easily purchased throughout the galaxy). He also has to slap Lord Invader upside the head for letting his pet go outside his interstellar front yard. And if all of this doesn’t leave you gasping for logic, rocket ranger Dan Danger (now would be another good time to groan audibly) shows up to verbally walk us through this land mine-ridden story line. If Jack B. Quick succeeds, he’ll be knighted. If not, food stamps.

Guns of El Chupacabra

Working on a budget so low, the actors themselves paid for it (in more ways than one). Guns of El Chupacabra (1997) is a sci-fi comedy with a half-decent monster costume, wincing dialogue/references, and Julie Strain, who I would pay to just see stand there for 90 or so minutes.

The Horror of Exercising

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 26, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Death Spa

Someone or something is gruesomely canceling gym memberships for the patrons of Los Angeles’ hi-tech Starbody Health Spa, a sort of fitness, nightclub and disco playground where big hair and big muscles populate the landscape.

Death Spa

One fully naked gal is temporarily rendered blind by chlorine steam in the sauna. Another gal belly flops in a pool when the diving board mysteriously unbolts itself. A shower room occupied by super wet supermodels nearly get steam broiled in the locked locker room. A tanning bed turns into a human toaster. A woman gets her hand shredded off in a cocktail blender gone rogue. And a exercise machine literally rips a mullet-wearing guy in half. Feel the burn, then shake it off.

Death Spa

No one can figure out why this poser palace is going awry. Michael Evans, the club’s handsome owner, believes his ghost wife, who earlier doused herself with gasoline and did her impression of a car tire fire, is behind the mutilations/killings. He’s unfortunately right.

Death Spa

His wife’s suicide was never fully explained, but Micheal thinks it’s because she was with child, and then not. As she revenge returns from the grave (leaving typed messages on Mike’s computer, invading his dreams, using the gym’s facilities and skipping out on towel fees), she ends up possessing her brother, who works for Michael and blames him for his sister’s BBQ. Do your best to figure out what happens next.

Death Spa

1989’s Death Spa (aka, Witch Bitch) throws everything into the exercise program — choreographed disco dancing exercise classes, skin-tight work-out spandex, rampant full frontal nudity (a marketing ploy featuring perfectly fit bodies), day-glo clothes, stacked hair and gore scenes so bad, you almost wish they’d cut back to the disco classes. (Note: Disco has never not sucked.) You already know how this movie ends.

Death Spa

P.S. If you want to augment your disco horror fitness regime, watch 1987’s Killer Workout (aka, Aerobicide). Feel the burn, then shake it off.

Vampire Party Night

Posted in Evil, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 10, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Transylmania

Transylmania (2009) is a knuckle-headed, horror spoof comedy about a bunch of sex/party/drugs obsessed college students attending a Romanian college for a semester. Homework includes vampires, vampire hunters, a sexy hunchback, body part swapping, and more boobs than you can shake your stake at.

Transylmania

The Razvan University is a castle that, when referred to, makes horses flatulent. Run by an evil dwarf principal whose drop dead gorgeous daughter is a hunchback, the school is also the scene of the vampire Radu’s search for his 500 year-old girlfriend whose soul got sucked into a music box.

TransylmaniaOne of the teachers, the bloody attractive Teodora Van Sloan, is an ancestor of the great vampire hunter Van Sloan, who did all the past thwarting. Turns out Radu is the spitting image of the perpetually horny American student, Rusty. That they both dress the same on Vampire Party Night isn’t making it easier for anyone.

Transylmania

A music box, when opened, transfers her soul into Lia, the painfully sexy and dumb nympho. This, understandably, causes more scratching of head. Both of ’em. Speaking of heads, a non-partying blonde twin gets her head cut off and her body used to reconfigure hunchback Draguta Floca. Her head manages to live and even admonishes her pot-head boyfriend and look-alike hard-partying sister for hooking up.

Transylmania

Some bonehead comedy, some hilarious bits (farting horses — heh), LOTS of bare naked boobies and micro-Goth bikini underwear. For all its slapsticking, Transylmania really made me re-think my polices on dating gorgeous hunchbacks.

White Trash Vampires

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 9, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Vampire Femmes

Shooting directly to video tape, the producers of this stinker ignore even the most basic of rules of filmmaking: table lamp lighting, truck driver dialogue, clip-on mics, questionably attractive women… They obviously raised the money to do Vampire Femmes (1999) by begging for change in front of McDonald’s™.

So three horny vampire chicks lure men to their three-bedroom rambler lair by way of “for sale — evening appointments only” advertising. Men show up and get their necks (and nothing else) sucked apart. Subsequently, they’re robbed and their cars traded at a chop shop for rent.

Vampire Femmes

A sub-plot concerns a wife-beating cop who tracks down his wife ] where she’s being harbored (and seduced) by the unholy gossip posse. A confrontation leads to the most cheapest and ridiculous gore scenes ever committed to $1.99 Fuji™ VHS tape.

Thanks to inept camera-work, we get to see a vampire chick and a guy have sex — while she’s wearing her undies. She can’t even fake it good. I want the last four hours of my life back again. (I watched it twice.)

This Genie Is A Weenie

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 17, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Wishmaster 3: Beyond The Gates of HellIf you rub the box hard enough, the Genie — or “Djinn” — pops out. (Hey, I’ve been rubbing for years and…never mind.) Wishmaster 3: Beyond The Gates of Hell (2001). second sequel to a movie that sucked genie weenie, this time involving (yawn) a college full of flawlessly pretty students looking like they belong on a tube of Clearasil™, going up against the fashioned-from-evil, squinty-eyed Djinn (yawn, the sequel). 

Wishmaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell

A supermodel-in-training chick releases the evil dude from his puzzle box condo. (Pinhead may want to have a word with the producers for totally copping his Lament Configuration.) She seems connected somehow, able to see through his eyes as he kills. Kinda like “Kill-o-Vision.” This makes her a “waker.” So the wish-granting monster needs the “waker” to make three wishes so he can open the Gates of Hell. And here all this time I thought you had to have a Costco™ card.

Wishmaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell

The Djinn isn’t even the same one from the first two movies. Heck, he only has about three minutes of on-screen time in his get-up before he morphs into a dashing young college professor with an out-dated goatee.

Wishmaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell

I’ve got some wishes: I wish they’d quit making these sequels. And I wish I’d quit being suckered by the box art.