Archive for non-alcoholic beer

Alien Germs

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 6, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Not Human

Alien plagues are nothing new. In fact, my neighbor came down with a case of it just the other day. (He better have – if he’s faking it just to keep me awake all night with his “coughing,” then there’s a probing with a double-capacity turkey baster in his near future.)

An alien plague is at the b-hole center of Not Human, an indie sci-fi action flick that just arrived on DVD (March 2015). Once contracted, this extraterrestrial germ goons you out big time and mutates you in ways only non-alcoholic beer can do.

But don’t trust me implicitly; here’s the plot which I copied and pasted off the internet: “Not Human follows the story of peaceful, rustic Metzburgh: a quiet village whose glory days are long past after the collapse of Metzburgh grain.”

Not Human

“When a meteorite crash lands in the peaceful community, Glen, a homeless ex-employee of the grain silos, gets too close to the crash site and a chemical poison sprays out of the meteorite, enveloping him. The chemical agent known only as Ombis begins to turn his insides into a slimy substance, consuming Glen’s body and spreading the alien infection.”

“The virus starts to overrun the unsuspecting village. Adding to the chaos, a mysterious government special containment team shows up and attempts to keep order while trying to contain the alien plague.”

If all those years watching The X-Files has taught me anything it’s that the government can’t be trusted with anything extraterrestrial. Thanks to them, I now spend most of my nights looking to the skies for weather balloons. I want to believe in weather balloons.

Vampires, Demons, Ghosts, Ice Cream

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 17, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Club Dead

If you’re like me, you need a constant fix of horror movies just to be able to function in a civilized society. And while I’ve seen thousands of horror/sci-fi flicks, 90% of which are porcelain fillers, there’s always the giddy anticipation there’ll be a golden nugget within a steaming brown pile of you know what. (If you have to ask…)

Here’s four impending horror movies that may or may not have you jiggling the handle…

Club Dead
Release date: Dunno. But them who really does?
Plot: A group of friends are obsessed with Hollywood’s hottest night spot, Club Dead. The hot music, ravishing people and open bar lead the gang to believe this will be the best night of their lives. But it doesn’t take long until they discover that Club Dead is run by vampires – and those that get in come out “undead.”

VampsInitial thought: Seems weak and a dumb excuse to play brain dead electronic music, which is an oxymoron, by the way. Reminds me of 1986’s Vamp, in which two frat dudes go to a strip club to hire a dancer for a party. The strippers are vampires. Didn’t see that coming.  (There was a 2012 vampire comedy called Vamps. The poster for that looks a lot like the poster for Club Dead. Just sayin’.)

The Atticus Institute

The Atticus Institute
Release date: Should’ve been out by now. I have no idea where it stands as Hollywood never returns my calls. Hollywood can be such a butt.
Plot: In the fall of 1976, a small psychology lab in Pennsylvania became the unwitting home to the only government-confirmed case of possession. The U.S. military assumed control of the lab under orders of national security and implemented measures aimed at weaponizing the entity. The details of the inexplicable events that occurred are being made public after remaining classified for nearly forty years.
Initial thought: Sound promising on a “man, I can’t wait for another non-alcoholic beer” level. Reminds me of Stormhouse (2012), wherein the government manages to capture a supernatural entity and stores it in an underground base. It doesn’t have a freshness-expired date. The movie does, though.

Ice Cream Man 2: Sundae Bloody Sundae

Ice Cream Man 2: Sundae Bloody Sundae
Release date: As soon as they raise enough money on Kickstarter™ to fund its completion.
Plot: It’s been twenty years since Ice Cream Man (1995) – a spectacle of gore, blood, and mayhem – exploded onto the big screen, boasting some of the most creative uses of severed heads ever seen on screen. This time around it’s a tale of revenge, chock-full of murderous intent, laced with dripping entrails, and served up ice cold. The Rocketeers – Johnny, Heather, Tuna, and Small Paul – are all grown up now, and Ice Cream Man wants them to suffer. Really suffer. Torture and violence are on the menu, and it’s going to be sweet.
Initial thought: Ice Cream Man was two scoops of crap, but had its moments. Never really bought into Clint Howard as Gregory, the maniacal killer, because they didn’t do anything to make him look that frightening. In fact, they just let him use his own face and haircut. It’s like they didn’t even try, man.

The Woman in Black: Angel of Death

Woman In Black: Angel of Death
Release date: January 30, 2015
Plot: As bombs rain down on London during the Blitz of World War II, a group of school children are evacuated with Eve, their schoolteacher, to the safety of the English countryside. Taken to an old and empty estate, cut-off by a causeway from the mainland, they are left at Eel Marsh House. One by one the children begin acting strangely and Eve, with the help of local military commander Harry, discovers that the group has awoken a dark force even more terrifying and evil than the city’s air raids. Eve must now confront her own demons to save the children and survive the Woman in Black.
Initial thought: The period piece haunter The Woman in Black (2012) was a nice surprise (see “golden nugget”) with some pretty cool jump moments and a wicked looking ghost. Looking forward to scare crapping my pants again. OK, that didn’t come out right. I’m just gonna turn around and quietly walk away now.

Transparent Aliens

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 7, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Invisible Invaders

Dr. Noymann blew himself up in a lab. Ka-BOOM! The explosion formed an atomic mushroom cloud and probably took out half the neighborhood. That’s what happens when you mix Alka-Seltzer™ with baking soda and Mr. Pibb™.

Invisible Invaders

During Noymann’s funeral, invisible aliens, who’ve been on the moon unnoticed for 20,000 (!) years, arrive to inhabit the recently dead (including Noymann, though his corpse should’ve been turned into puzzle pieces from the ka-BOOM!) and use the ripening bodies to proudly announce their intentions to end all life on Earth and that all resistance is useless, blah, blah, blah. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said that to my neighbors.

Invisible Invaders

To make Earth prep their asses for kissing goodbye, they provide an example of their superior skills by making a plane crash. Buttholes. Then they use more dead bodies to warn people at sporting events and even TV broadcasts to tell us to prepare for a deathly invasion, and blow up Finland to emphasize their message. But our scientists are smarter than anyone from the moon or Finland, and theorize their weapons are about as effective in our atmosphere as non-alcoholic beer is on 99% of the known universe.

Invisible Invaders

Invisible Invaders (1959) is loaded with plenty of bone-headed science dialogue, which kinda makes sense in the context of invisible extraterrestrials. (Talk about saving a ton on space costumes.) The aliens meet their match with scientists who advise that the cab of a pick-up truck will sufficiently protect you from radiation. I’ll have to remember that. Can’t be too safe from invisible invaders.

Invoking Ghosts Past and Present

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , on November 12, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Invoking

Haunted house movies seem to be all the rage these days. I don’t know why – the ghosts in all these films do the exact same thing: open and shut doors, wastefully turn on and off the lights, make sounds in rooms you’re not currently in, rearrange the furniture in a way that is very displeasing to feng shui… But hey, I’ll take a ghost movie over, say, non-alcoholic beer any day of the week.

The latest one to cash in is The Invoking, which borrows liberally from just about every other haunted house movie ever made in the history of the world. For starters, the first sales art for The Invoking looks a heckuva lot like The Conjuring (2013). Not cool.

The Invoking

But here’s where they take us through even more familiar territory…

“After inheriting a house from a family that she never knew, Sam and three friends take a road trip to inspect the remote property. Soon after Sam arrives, old memories come seeping back while jealousy and unspoken tension among the friends is forced to the surface.”

“Sam soon finds herself unable to tell the difference between reality and horrible visions of brutality she can’t escape, and while her world crumbles around her, she discovers the current horrors may be tied directly to her past.”

Robot

You’d think they could come up with something a little more original. If this was my movie, the first thing I’d do is put a robot in there. You can never go wrong with robots. Also, ghosts can’t scare robots. Neither can poltergeists.

Secondly, for spooky effect, I’d turn on and off the lights really fast. I know it’s been done over and over, but I just love doing that. It’s a cheap and easy way to turn any room into a rave and…

OK, I’ll stop now.