Archive for specter

Sea Ya Sharks, Mansion Ghosts, Farm To Market Cannibals

Posted in Fantasy, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 9, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sharknado

On July 25, 2018 we’ll be saying goodbye to the gooftacular Sharknado universe with the latest, as-yet-untitled Sharknado sequel. (They should call it Will The Last Sharknado Leaving The Ocean, Please Turn Off The Faucet? A bit wordy, but nail on the head.) Note to selves: I tagged this one on February 22, 2018. Then I washed and combed my hair for two hours.

Sharknado

The left-field hit series that started as a waterspout that pulls sharks out of the ocean and dumps them all over Los Angeles, started in 2013 with Sharknado, and successfully regurgitated the formulaic plots with endless celebrity cameos with Sharknado: The Second One (2014), Sharknado: Oh Hell No! (2015), Sharknado: The 4th Awakens (2016) and Sharknado: Global Swarming (2017). Even before the new/final one, this is like the movie version of Hokey Pokey.

A really big shark

While we cross our fingers that this will indeed be the last Sharknado, were are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not belong in a watery grave…

Cartel 2045

CARTEL 2045 (May 1, 2018)
“The year is 2045, the continuing drug war has caused havoc between The United States and Mexico. Gear Side International, a robotics engineering company on the brink of bankruptcy, sells off their technology to the Cartel on the black market. With the advanced military robotics technology in the wrong hands the cartel uses it to their advantage; replacing their enforcers, hit men, and soldiers.”

Who needs robots when you have Machete himself to take care of future business? (Note to reader: It’s really Danny Trejo, who played the iconic badass Machete in previous kick ass films, though I’m not seeing much of a difference). I live in Seattle, but I have friends in Los Angeles who regularly eat at his restaurant: Trejos Tacos. Wonder if they chop up the taco fillings with a…machete? That’s be SO cool.

Wraith

WRAITH (May 8, 2018)
“After living in an old mansion for almost 10 years a family suddenly discovers a ghost-like presence trying to communicate with them.”

I would like to live in an old mansion that has a ghost-like presence. But does the squatting specter chip in on the cable bill, scrub toilets every other month and chase other ghosts out of the cellar, you know household chores everyone has to do? Might have to bring that up during the next family poltergeist pow-wow.

Beast

BEAST (May 11, 2018)
“A troubled young woman in a small island community falls for a mysterious outsider who empowers her to escape from her oppressive family. When he comes under suspicion for a series of brutal murders she defends him at all costs and learns what she is capable of.”

This one’s being described as a “warped adult fairy tale.” Works for me, though it seems like a really bad idea to a.) commit brutal murders, and b.) do it on a small community island. Unless you’re Aquaman’s cousin’s brother’s nephew and could swim away from the cops, you’re pretty much dry-docked in the zip code.

The Farm

THE FARM (2018/2019)
“A young couple gets kidnapped and treated like farm animals after stopping at a roadside diner to eat meat.”

I don’t hang out in barns (anymore), so I’m not sure how farm animals are being treated these days. If I remember the Old MacDonald literary works correctly, cows and chickens and beavers get three hots and a cot. Doesn’t sound that bad to me.

Filipino Ghost Story

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 24, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Wag Kang Lilingon

Wag Kang Lilingon (2006). I can’t pronounce this Filipino horror movie’s title. It’s not my fault. They’re using words I from a different country than the one I live in. It’s just not fair, man. Translated it turns into Don’t Look Back. (I was waaay the hell off when I tried translating it. I thought “lilingon” meant a flavor of foreign ice cream and…um…never mind.)

Wag Kang Lilingon

This movie is split into two parts with a rather clever connecting link. In the first part, Butcher Hospital (not its real name, but what everyone calls it) is losing patients left and right. Melissa, a supermodel nurse, thinks that mean Dr. Carl is behind the expiration dates on the patients. Her fiancé is a news reporter, so she helps him fake a disease so he can investigate under the guise of a sicko.

Wag Kang Lilingon

Dr. Carl was on the hot seat until he turned into dead himself. Then ghosts show up to mess with Melissa’s mind, which was recently boogered up due to her finding out James, her reporter hubby-to-be, had a girlfriend before they hooked up. I’m thinkin’ so what? But it factors in, so roll with it, ’k? The ghostly hallucinations reach a boiling point and Melissa loses it and does something to James. Let’s just say it didn’t involve the romantic groping of one another’s fun zones.

Wag Kang Lilingon

This leads to part two, where a mom and her daughters move into a spooky haunted house. But they’re too into their new pad to give a crap. Finding an antique mirror, they light a candle in front of it, the superstition being that if you do it during a full moon and make a wish, it’ll come true. (I tried that once, and ended up burning my shirt. That was a cool shirt, too.)

Wag Kang Lilingon

This little “ritual” released the ghosts that live in the mirror instead of fog or a basement. Former tenants, these specters don’t want people living in their haunted house. The girls dump the mirror in the river instead of the dump. (Mirrors are 100% biodegradable, so it’s okay.)

Wag Kang Lilingon

But that’s not the only mirror. The other one shows a premonition of the family’s demise. That sucks. But mirrors are rarely wrong, and everybody takes a hammer or other blunt forces to the head and stabbings, causing bleeding and more bleeding. The only survivor goes on to study nursing and years later ends up working at…BUTCHER HOSPITAL. Sweet.