Archive for Google Maps

Fat Ass Slug Monster

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 16, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Creeping TerrorIn The Creeping Terror (aka, The Crawling Monster and Dangerous Charter/1964), one of the most LOL sci-fi movies ever made, A UFO curb-bounces in Angel County, CA. (I looked it up on Google Maps™ — no such place. There is, however, a nifty spot called Dunsmuir. Sounds like a Viking warrior with a horned helmet and beaver fur underpants.)

The Creeping Terror

So out of this UFO crawls the “creeping terror”, one of the most low-budget monsters this side of Robot Monster (1953), whose title creature is a guy in a gorilla suit, skeleton head and diving helmet. Covers all bases when you think about it. This creeping terror, one of two, is not given a name, but rather described as a “large, hairy, slug-like, omnivorous monster.” I’ve heard divorced guys refer to their ex-wives in such the same manner.

The Creeping TerrorThis omnivorous monster looks like 1964 vacuum cleaner hoses attached to a load of unwashed laundry, which grows out of a rubbery turtle-esque shell that acts as its digestive system. And what does Omni eat? People! And for each one it consumes, it grows bigger. Much like taking down two or three Tavern Burgers at Loretta’s Northwesterner. (It’s a cool dive bar.)

The Creeping Terror

Things really get going when the lurching “monster” (it can barely move — maybe it ate too many carb-loaded people) finds its way into a dance hall where people are dancing so strenuously (flapping and waving of arms as though attempting to achieve flight), proceeds to suck previously gyrating party-goers into an orifice in on the base of its upright neck. Call me a suspicious, but it really looked like those people were actually crawling into said cake hole on purpose.

The Creeping Terror

Buzzkills theorize this “bio-organism” is simply taking advantage of Earth’s “all you can eat” policy, and sending nutrition facts back to their home planet by means of science-y knobs and dials on the saucer. The military, being driven around in a pick-up truck designed to haul hay, think otherwise and shoot Omni. Bullets have no effect on unwashed laundry, so one soldier tosses a grenade into the monster’s calorie cave and ka-BOOM! No more O. And no more Zoomba dancing on crack, either.

The Creeping Terror

Speaking of exercise dance classes, Omni, who clearly has eating issues (it ate 17 people), should enroll. But to be fair, he/she/it is king of the clean plate club.

Aussie Ghosts, Home Invading Aliens and Vegas Zombies

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 13, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Caught

As a change of pace, been watching some classic horror comedies (I totally heart you The Ghost and Mr. Chicken/1966). But the best horror comedy you’ll ever see is coming from the White House. That thing should be a g’damn film studio.

Here’s some upcoming horror films that won’t make you laugh…

CAUGHT (2017)
“While on an afternoon walk with their children, two small town reporters notice the military camped on a hilltop. Debating the possible significance of this activity, they answer their door when two unusual strangers come knocking and find themselves held hostage in their own home.”

Don’t let the bland and uninspired press release put you off; this is an alien home invasion movie. So what could extraterrestrials possibly want from our shelves, cupboards and nightstand drawers? Given their galaxy-known probing procedures, they’re probably look for lube. The director is describing this movie as “alien art house.” Sounds cool, but I have no idea what that means.

Lemon Tree Passage

LEMON TREE PASSAGE (Available now Australia/Russia/2017 U.S.)
“A group of young backpackers in Australia discover that a legendary local ghost tale turns out to be true.”

The trailer looks pretty cool, introducing a bunch of young people to a much shorter lifespan in creative ways. The legend goes that if a car load of disposables travel down Lemon Tree Passage (in the States we call that a “road”) a light follows them. My advice to annoying young people — you can find Lemon Tree Passage on Google Maps™. Go there. Today, if possible. Unfortunately, this movie will be re-titled to the supremely generic/boring Death Passage for its US release.

It Stains Sands Red

IT STAINS THE SANDS RED (2017)
“Following a zombie apocalypse, Molly finds herself lost in the Las Vegas desert with one of the rabid living dead hot on her trail. Although at first she finds it hard to give him the slip, the situation gets even more complicated when the girl realizes that, unlike her pursuer has no physical need to stop and rest.”

Sorry about the art — was unable to find official stuff after 30 seconds of frantic clicking around the web. Interesting premise — a zombie pursing a chick in the desert like he was Jaws: The Revenge (1987), wherein the shark follows Chief Brody’s widow halfway around the world, just to have a nosh with her.

The Sound

THE SOUND (2017)
“Kelly is a writer and a skeptic of the supernatural. As a specialist in acoustic physics she uses low frequency tactile sound-waves to debunk reported paranormal activities for her online blog. When presented a new case of a supposedly haunted subway station Kelly sets off to uncover the truth behind the hoax that involves a 40-year-old unexplained suicide. Her investigation takes her deep into the abandoned station where her skepticism is tested. As Kelly ascends into the depths of the metro’s darkness she is confronted by an unforeseen evil. In the vastness, she must face her own haunted memories to find the truth and surface back into the light.”

How can you be a skeptic of the supernatural with all those ghosts goonin’ out everyone who dares venture into a haunted subway station/7-Eleven™? And while we’re on the subject, why is it ghosts are always of the “unforeseen evil” variety? Are there no more nice ghosts left? (I don’t count Casper the Friendly Ghost as he’s more emo than friendly. Nothin’ worse than a whiny poltergeist.)

The House That Jack Built

THE HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT (2018)
“Over a span of 12 years, the highly intelligent Jack introduces the murders that define his development as a serial killer. We experience the story from Jack’s point of view, while he postulates each murder is an artwork in itself. As the inevitable police intervention is drawing nearer, he is taking greater and greater risks in his attempt to create the ultimate artwork.”

Gotta love an artist who commits to his craft. Wonder what he uses as his medium? Acrylics? Water colors? Pottery clay? Needle point? The “As Seen On TV” Aero Knife™, the one where nothing sticks to it? (At $19.95, that’s a kick ass bargain. Gotta get me one and see if it makes peanut butter fall to the wayside.)

Monster Town

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 28, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Silent Hill

What Silent Hill (2006) – a movie adapted from the popular 1999 Japanese horror video game franchise – lacks in cohesive storytelling, at times makes up for it with undie squeezing atmosphere (great use of smoke/fog, or “smog”) and some of the more disturbing and icky creatures/monsters since Hellraiser’s (1987) Cenobites, from which it clearly draws inspiration. (Note: The movie utilizes this and thats from the first four Silent Hill games, might explain the pieced-together feel.)

Silent Hill

A ridiculously attractive mom has a young daughter who sleepwalks around waterfall cliffs, even though the kid has been repeatedly told not to go out after dark. (Like that works with kids.) Turns out the little scamp is dying from an unknown cause and a faith healer (my medical insurance only covers Shamans) tells mom for answers to take her daughter to the spooky Silent Hill, a small abandoned town no longer on any map, Google™ or otherwise.

Silent Hill

The town of Silent Hill – renowned for witchcraft gone wild – is pretty dang eerie. First, its shrouded in smoke from an underground coal mine that’s been burning out of control for decades. (Probably why everyone left. That, and there’s no 7-Eleven™. Reason enough to pack it up.) Secondly, there’s an apocalyptic horn that goes off every so often, releasing some seriously messed up creatures that come out of nowhere to eat faces clean off whatever head it’s attached to.

Silent Hill

Like the video game it’s fashioned after, the monster encounters get progressively hardcore, turning up as walking torsos, twisted body guys, mutant nurses and the impressive level boss Pyramid Head and his 12-foot knife that can cut through walls to get its point across.

Silent Hill

Teaming up with a previously encountered female cop, Rose, frantically searches for her kid who wandered off and is seen in glimpses running through a maze of building floors and is heading down into the depths of what sure as hell looks like Hell. And it’s here the story, steeped in evilness, gets muddled.

Pyramid Head

There’s a ghost religious leader, ghost townsfolk from years gone by, a witch-sacrificing bonfire (no marshmallows, though), and a darker than black demon thing. To tie this altogether would take a LOT of word wrangling as the movie piles the back story on said bonfire during the last 10 minutes. So much so, you can barely keep track, even with a 12-foot knife being pointed at your uncooked (for now) self.

Yeah, Silent Hill plays out in linear fashion like its parent video game. But the creature things — which needed WAY more screen time — are downright delightful.

Silent Hill

P.S. The sequel Silent Hill: Revelation (2012) brought back the first one’s better freak creatures, but suffered from a sub-standard plot and a disturbing lack of fun. Sounds like my life.