Wrestling With Horror, Psycho Women, Alien Delirium

WWE™ has been enthralling us for decades with the only TRUE sport — pro wrestling. But did you know they’ve produced 11 horror movies via WWE Studios™ since 2003? Combined with their action thrillers, they’ve done over 50 movies. And WWE Superstars™ in movies — horror, sci-fi, fantasy or not — is a winning PPV: Rowdy Roddy Piper (They Live, Hell Comes To Frogtown), Dave Bautista (Army of the Dead, Guardians of the Galaxy), John Cena (The Suicide Squad, Peacemaker), Diamond Dallas Page (The Devil’s Rejects), Goldberg (Santa’s Slay), CM Punk (Girl on the Third Floor), Kane (See No Evil), Triple H (Blade Trinity), and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (Black Adam), who Forbes™ named as the top-grossing actor of 2013, with his films bringing in $1.3 billion worldwide for that year.

And now, coming to WWE’s™ YouTube™ channel, is Chamber of Horrors, starring WWE Superstars™ Shotzi and Scarlett Bordeaux, who are launching a paranormal investigation show filmed at famously haunted locations. From the press release: Chamber of Horrors will air exclusively on the WWE™ YouTube™ channel and launches September 20, 2023. Confirmed locations include Pennhurst Asylum in Pennsylvania, a former asylum that has become very popular among paranormal investigators.”

So while we gird our loins (tuck in your gut) in anticipation of Chamber of Horrors, here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not put you in a headlock…

MOUNT CHIAK / Out now (VOD, South Korea), Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD, US)

“An urban legend surrounding murders in which the bodies were chopped up and buried at a real location in Wonju. A Sangaja mountain bike group go to Mount Chiak where Min-Joon’s uncle has a vacation home to ride their bikes. After enjoying the off-roading ride, strange things began to happen to the party and it seems that something unidentified is chasing them. A desperate game for the Sangaja party to survive on Chiaksan Mountain begins.”

This one got an unexpected boost from the Wonju City government and local social groups, who protested the film could “hurt the public image of the mountain and the region.” They even went so far as to file for an injunction to ban the movie’s opening. You can’t buy publicity like that. Happy ending: the Seoul Central District Court turned down the application. In your face, local government and social groups.

THE GOLDSMITH / October 3, 2023 (VOD)

“Childhood friends and now adult criminals, Stefano, Roberto and Arianna concoct a simple plan: break into an elderly couple’s home and find the valuables in the old man’s hidden jewelry workshop. But not this night and not this house, as the doddering couple prove to be not nearly as helpless as they may seem. Underneath those wrinkles and elderly facades are two totally deranged killers, intent on greeting their new house guests in their own way. The thieves soon find themselves locked in a soundproof room, about to become guinea pigs for the couples mad experiments. They broke in, but can they survive long enough to break out?”

All elderly people have earned the right to be deranged killers. Sometimes it’s just not enough to yell, “Get off my lawn!”

SIX PSYCHO WOMEN / October 3, 2023 (VOD, Japan) 

“After a car accident, Kayajima and Uwajima wander into a strange, but beautiful village. It’s there they meet six beautiful and mysterious women who seem at one with nature. Kayajima and Uwajima are imprisoned by the women and taunted and terrorized by them.”

Imprisoned by six beautiful, albeit psycho women? Not seeing a downside to this.

ROSWELL DELIRIUM / November 10, 2023 (VOD)

“During the 1980s the US is hit by a wave of nuclear attacks, and after the fallout those who remain pretend like everything is normal even though they are all experiencing radiation poisoning. A young girl named Mayday tries to make contact on a series of ham radios with her father who is in space on a shuttle mission. Instead of making contact she receives a intergalactic distress call from space that leads her on a journey to Spacerock, the land where Area 51 once was. She is exposed to severe levels of radiation and within days all of her organs start to fail. Knowing that medical treatment won’t help her mother Wendy brings her back to Spacerock to give her to the aliens in hopes that they may be able to save her.”

Some confusion here. DVDsreleases.com says Roswell Delirium was in theaters July 21, 2023 and the DVD is scheduled for an October 10, 2023 release. To further cause delirium, FilmAffinity.com says it came out January 1, 2023. However, IMBD.com says it comes out November 10, 2023. I checked all the streaming channels and Amazon.com, and no Roswell Delirium movie has yet been available for streaming and/or purchasing in physical form. Clearly, extraterrestrial interference.

Spider Clock, Flipping Haunted Houses, Space Crabs

Audemars Piguet™, makers of some of the most exquisite and exquisitely expensive watches and clocks in the world, just announced their upcoming Spider-Man branded watch. For all its vaunted bells and whistles — sapphire crystal, glow-in-the-dark hands and numerals, a transparent caseback, and an interchangeable strap system — it sadly does not shoot spider-webs. Probably doesn’t have a built-in walkie-talkie to chit chat with Tony Stark, either. 

From website: “The Swiss brand’s new Royal Oak Concept Tourbillon features the superhero Spider-Man at the center of an open-worked dial. This is actually the second co-branded wristwatch to land in the AP x Marvel universe and follows in the footsteps of 2021’s Black Panther Tourbillion. The newcomer pairs a 42 mm titanium case with a black ceramic bezel and crown to ensure your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man gets all the focus. The hero takes up almost all of the dial with his signature web-shooting pose.”

Thinking about buying it? Just be forewarned the Spider-Man watch is limited to 250 and will run you $215,000.00, which is, ironically, just criminal. Here’s some more web-spinning numbers: “The Swiss watchmaker has auctioned off a one-of-a-kind piece called the Royal Oak Concept Tourbillon Black Suit Spider-Man to raise funds for a nonprofit. Inspired by the black suit rocked by the superhero in some ’80s comics, the one-off sold for $6.2 million at a private event in Dubai.”

So while we go to Amazon.com and buy the reachably affordable $10.99 Spider-Man digital watch with a sweet adjustable silicone band (click this), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you web your pants…

THE AMITYVILLE CURSE / Out now (Tubi™)

“A group of friends purchase an infamous home with the intention of flipping it, only to discover a deadly paranormal presence emanating from within the house.”

Originally, The Amityville Curse, which was released in the Philippines as Amityville Horror 1993, is a 1990 Canadian-made horror flick. Not sure why they decided to call this new one exactly the same. Given the plot, it should be called, Flip This Amityville House.

COCAINE CRABS FROM OUTER SPACE / June 1, 2023 (Blu-ray/DVD), Fall 2023 (VOD)

“When a couple of intergalactic space crabs land on Earth, they encounter the one thing they didn’t expect…a duo of dumb frat boys force-feeding them cocaine! As it turns out, cocaine gives space crabs an overbearing impulse to kill! Their string of peculiar homicides has Detective Charlie Reese thinking that something smells fishy…literally! Convinced that the detective may be onto something, the two of them find themselves teaming up in the deadly wake of the coked-out crabs!”

Bears, sharks, alligators, cougars, and now crabs. Extraterrestrials must think all our animals are drug addicts.

AGED / June 15, 2023 (VOD)

“After taking a temporary job as a caregiver, a young woman realizes her employer and the house have a dangerous, dark past.”

This does zero into getting us interested enough to watch it. Throw in a cocaine werewolf (they kinda all act like they’re on cocaine, now that I think about it), and you’ll get my attention.

SUBJECT / Release pending 2023 (Screambox™)

“A man is ensnared in a sinister government experiment. On his way to prison, Willem is presented with an intriguing offer: take part in a shadowy government experiment and have his sentence commuted. But little does he know his isolation experiment may not be what it seems, casting doubt upon his perceived solitude and raising questions about his true state of aloneness.”

They had me at shadowy government experiment, which pretty much sums up my life these days.

International Horrors, Buzzkill Bees, Plug-in Kids

The success of a horror/sci-fi movie often depends heavily on eye-snagging poster art to economically market their cinematic bowel movements. Movie poster art is a culture unto its own, with numerous websites devoted to curating every movie poster ever designed. (Check out IMPAwards.com — it’s a treasure trove of both US and International hi-res movie posters.)

The illustrations on International horror and sci-fi movie posters, though, are crazy cool and often out-markets their US counterparts. You couldn’t tell, but the poster at the top is Pumpkinhead (1988) from Turkey. More examples — The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) – France, Alien (1979) – Poland, The Return of the Living Dead (1985) – Thailand, Jaws 2 (1978) – Poland — are great examples of art unrestrained from studio interference. (The movie ad sheet for 1969’s chiller Frosty the Snowman designed in Antarctica could have been so much more bloody had the studio not stepped in and ice-blocked it.)

Two of the crazier movie posters are Cujo (1983) from Ghana and The Omen (1976) from the Czech Republic. The Cujo poster looks like a pet greeting card while The Omen poster displays the movie’s evilness in devilishly hand-illustrated glory. So while we download these posters and frame ‘em, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not be a cinematic bowel movement… 

SILO / May 5, 2023 (AppleTV+™)

The series tells of the last 10,000 people on Earth, their mile-deep home protecting them from the toxic and deadly world outside. However, no one knows when or why the silo was built, and any who try to find out face fatal consequences. An engineer seeks answers about a loved one’s murder and tumbles onto a mystery that goes far deeper than she could have ever imagined, leading her to discover that if the lies don’t kill you, the truth will.”

It’s not a silo — it’s a discarded kaiju milkshake straw Godzilla threw away after gorging at Fleeing Citizens Burgers Drive-In. (FYI: Their chili cheese fries are to die for.)

MARRY F*** KILL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Five estranged college friends reunite to attend their friend’s funeral after a shocking suicide. Scarred by a past betrayal that led to the ultimate demise of their friendship, an innocent game of Marry F**k Kill spawns into something far more sinister than they could have imagined.”

So this Marry F**k Kill game — I looked everywhere on Amazon.com™ and couldn’t find it. Maybe they have it at Hustler Superstore™.

BLOODTHIRSTY BEES (aka THE HIVE) / Release pending 2023 (VOD)
“The biological experiment of the Japanese army failed. A group of infected bloodthirsty bees attacked the experimenters and fled into the mountain forest. When Taoyuan Village in the middle of the mountain forest held a bonfire event, the mutant bees attacked the village, causing heavy casualties.”

It’d be really funny if Bloodthirsty Bees starred Sting.

ELECTRIC CHILD / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A computer scientist has a newborn son who suffers from a rare neurological disorder. The father then makes a deal with the artificial intelligence he is developing. If he manages to cure his son, he grants the life form in his supercomputer its freedom. This sets off a chain reaction that also has consequences for the outside world.”

Supercomputer gone wild movies have been around for awhile, prime examples being HAL (Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer) in 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) and Colossus in The Forbin Project (1970). And I’ll never forget that time my 1982 Commodore 64 supercomputer outsmarted me at Pong…and then digitally LOL’d right on the 640×400 resolution screen. Supercomputers are so rude.

Zombie Skin Care, Oceans of Terror, Hippie Horror

If your goal is to look like a zombie AND years younger, but don’t wanna go through the slight discomfort of being bitten by a zombie or those excruciatingly painful Botox™ injections, just click on over to Amazon.com™ and get yourself a Zombie Pack™ and start being the you that you wanna be.

The Zombie Pack from Skin 1004 one-step skin-tightening mask uses a aloe and egg albumen to tighten, brighten and moisturize your face. And it’s on sale for $17 — normally $90. That’s a face-chewing $73 savings! So where does the zombie part come in? From their sales pitch: “It comes in a powder and you mix it with a liquid that activates the mask. You then brush it onto your skin and let it do its work for fifteen minutes. It dries and cracks, but because it’s clear, you start to look like a zombie. Then just wash it off with warm water to reveal tight, glowing skin.” (Rush to buy it here).

I don’t know about you, but I could care less about having tight, glowing skin. I’d put it on and let it dry and party-up my face. Then I’d go to the store or attend a myriad of social opportunities. So while I’m doing that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not leave you feeling dry and cracked…

LAST SENTINEL / March 24, 2023 (VOD)

Set in the near future, unchecked and rampant climate change has caused temperatures and sea levels to rise catastrophically. Only two large continents remain and billions died during the mass migration to these higher lands. Surrounded by an endless ocean and thousands of miles from home, a skeleton crew of soldiers stand as the last bastion, defending their homeland from an invasion by an enemy they have never seen, monitoring for signs of attack and prepared to sacrifice themselves for the cause. Their tour of duty ended three months ago with no relief in sight. Alone and uncertain as to what fate awaits them, the simmering tension amongst the crew escalates when a mysterious boat drifts into range – is it the help they have been waiting for, or something far more sinister?”

Wonder if that mysterious boat is the S.S. Minnow, carrying two old people, one smart guy, two hot chicks and two sailors who “bunk” together? If it is, and you’re looking to be rescued, put down the flare gun and look at other options.

DARK ENTITIES / April 14, 2023 (VOD)

“Following a tragic accident in 1977, the three Winters siblings move into the mysterious home they inherited. They soon discover the house holds dark secrets that seek to threaten everything they hold dear.”

Suspiciously, Motörhead’s debut album came out that very same year. Two words: cause and causality.

THE ANCESTRAL / Release pending 2023 (Screambox™)

“After suffering a family tragedy, a widower moves his two daughters to a centuries-old ancestral home. When both daughters fall prey to sleep paralysis and night terrors, their father seeks the help of a local psychologist. These chilling secrets and frightening visions eventually prove that not everything is what it seems in the old family house.”

The Ancestral had a theatrical release in Vietnam last year. I’ll have to do more intense research to find out what year that was. As for sleep paralysis and night terrors, is there a Tug Tavern in Vietnam?

TRIM SEASON /Release Pending 2023 (VOD)

“A group of diverse twenty-somethings from Los Angeles as they head up the coast to make quick cash trimming marijuana on a secluded farm in Northern California. Cut off from the rest of the world, they soon realize that the estate is harboring darker secrets than any of them could imagine, as they race against time to escape the dense woods with their lives.”

We can only hope the dark secret is undercover DEA agents looking to put the law boot down hard on entry-level hippies.

Blood-Soaked Bathroom, Desperately Seeking Sasquatch, Butt Dialing The Dead

Like something you’d expect to find in Micheal Myers’ bathroom, the Bloody Bath Mat is one of those things you didn’t know you needed, like a three-bean salad or toilet paper.

The Bloody Bath Mat works like this: when dry, the mat is as blank as the taste of non-alcoholic beer. But when you get water on it (or whatever other liquids one might find in a bathroom), the dang thing turns bloody. And when it dries, the “blood” disappears. Genius. Sized at a generous 40”x17” and at a cost of $19.99, you’re probably slapping your own head, wondering why you don’t already own it.

The Bloody Bath Mat pairs nicely with the Halloween Shower Curtain Liner (71”x71”), with a bloody person on it. Hey, if you’re gonna get all bloodified, the shower probably is the best place to do it; you don’t wanna track that gunk all over the house. Also $19.99, you can get the bath mat and shower curtain on Amazon.com. You may have heard of them.

So while you’re making yourself all wet to try ‘em out, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be curtains for you…

AMERICAN BIGFOOT / Out now (VOD)

When Creature Expedition, a fledgling television show, finds itself on the brink of cancellation and desperate for a rating boost, the show’s host under the guidance of her producer gathers a lovable crew of dimwits and they set out to Bigfoot country to find the creature and capture him on film. With the help of Truman Shaw, an acclaimed Bigfoot hunter, and a little luck, they just might find Bigfoot and save their show from cancellation.”

I’ll put in a call to Bigfoot to see if he can help them out. He might do it ’cause BF is my BFF.

THOSE WHO CALL / January 10, 2023 (VOD)

“Two sisters go on a road trip to Colorado. Their car breaks down in an abandoned old town. Soon they realize things aren’t what they seem — and they aren’t alone in the forest. They find themselves being hunted by a sadistic pagan cult and must do everything in their power to survive.”

Can’t go anywhere these days without tripping over Mormons.

HERETIC / January 31, 2023 (DVD/VOD)

“Hannah Blair dabbles in communicating with the dead. One stormy night that all changes when she meets Rachel, who is actually a dead lost spirit. Emboldened by this event, she is determined to find out the truth about what happened to her parents’ years before. Hannah embarks on a journey into the netherworld where she comes face to face with the Entity, an evil who has haunted mankind since the dawn of time — and who now wants Hannah.”

Wouldn’t that be f’d up if you went to communicate with the dead…and it went to voicemail? Man, I would totally stain myself.

THE BIGFOOT LEGACY / March 17, 2023 (VOD)

“For a group of friends, their vacation turns into a horrific weekend after they discover Bigfoot is real.”

These morons must come from Planet Dumbass. Of course, Bigfoot is real. Friggin’ tourists.

Devil Barf, Ghost Coffins, Head Removal

How could 1973’s The Exorcist not be what the guy at the grocery store says is the scariest horror movie ever made when it has everything: religion gone wild, spin class barfing, multisyllabic naughty words, skull rotation, crucifix polishing, Latin beerspeak, demon boners… You’d have to go to church — or the Tug Tavern — to get that kind of party. Or do you? Now you can own an exquisitely detailed 1/10th scale model of the devil-possessed 12-year-old Regan MacNeil in her iconic bed pose right before she did a soul swap with backup priest Father Karras, making him jump out a five-story window onto the unrepentant cement stairs below…and Jesus not catching him.

From Iron Studios™ and BigBadToys.com: “Confined and restrained in her room on a bed with a padded headboard and foot-board to protect its occupant, a demonic evil entity possesses the body of a preteen girl, making her body physically distorted and covered in wounds. All the diabolic spirit that lives in her body wishes for is to cause the death of its innocent host. Considered by many as the most terrifying movies of all time, Iron Studios present their Possessed Regan MacNeil statue of the bedeviled protagonist from The Exorcist, one of the greatest horror films ever.”

While this limited edition statue doesn’t come accessorized with action puke (you can load up at the Tug Tavern), the model is hand-painted and made of bible-resistant polystone. And it will possess your wallet for $219.99 (estimated arrival 3rd quarter 2023). A suggestion would be to raid the nearest collection plate.

While you’re in confession (10 Hail Bloody Marys usually gets me off the hook —and puts me on other ones), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not make you shout at the Devil — or your shoes… 

OPEN THE COFFIN / Out now (YouTube™)

“A detective investigates supernatural mystery murders that seem to be the result of a curse.”

Where would supernatural murder mysteries be without curses? That’s like having a used car sale without balloons.

IVANNA / Out now (YouTube™)

“A beautiful young woman, who has limited vision, and her family and friends are terrorized when they celebrate Lebaran at an old house in the Bandung area. She has visions of the previous owner, a Dutch woman named Ivanna who was murdered during the Japanese invasion of Indonesia in 1943. Now, Ivanna’s spirit has returned to the house seeking revenge.”

The ghost of Ivanna decapitates her victims. This no doubt is what’s causing the drastic decline of comb sales in Bandung.

KUNTILANAK 3 / Out now (YouTube™)

“Dinda, who is considered strange by the village children because of her strength, accidentally injures Panji and Ambar. Regretting her actions, Dinda asks Aunt Dona to register her at the Mata Hati School, so that she can learn to control her power.”

Just think of what you can do with super strength — open stuck peanut butter jar lids. Give me a minute and I’ll think of another one.

AMBER ROAD / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Amber Road is a hidden place in the digital universe where anything can be bought, sold and traded. It is a place where a person can fulfill their darkest desire or unleash their deepest depravity. And once you travel down that path, there comes a point where you can never return. A husband and wife awaken to find themselves trapped in a basement dungeon apparently at the hands of a serial killer driven by the demands and requests of sick and demented individuals finding a community on the dark web.”

Is it just me, or does this darkest desire digital universe sound like Amazon.com?

Profitable Poltergeists, Werecoyotes, Cult Pay-Per-View

Shot for $15,000 casino tokens, Paranormal Activity came out in 2007 and instantly became a found footage phenomenon, eventually generating $193 million box office fun funds. On that (bank) note: Paranormal Activity is the most profitable film ever made in the history of the world. To no one’s surprise, it birthed six Paranormal babies with YET ANOTHER ONE slated for 2023.

If you can’t wait that long for it, Paranormal Activity: The Ultimate Chills Collection ($55.21/Amazon™) is now available: nine Blu-ray discs loaded with all the movies and a scary amount of extras. In case you forgot (or didn’t care), Paranormal Activity’s premise is as economical as its budget: “A young couple are haunted by a supernatural presence in their home. They set up a camera to document what is haunting them.” Yep — that netted them $193 million. No wonder everybody’s been trying to copy it for the last 15 years. I would.

While you scare up some wallet wages to buy and/or purchase the collection, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not become obscenely profitable… 

HERE FOR BLOOD / Out now (VOD)

“Tom O’Bannon, a rowdy pro-wrestler struggling to make ends meet, agrees to fill in as a last-minute replacement for a well paying babysitting job. Tom arrives at an isolated family home where he meets the precocious 10-year-old Grace. What starts off as a quiet night of pizza and video games quickly spirals into bloody, violent chaos as Tom and Grace find themselves fighting for their lives when an otherworldly cult of masked intruders descend on the home.”

This isn’t just a movie — it’s a WWE™ pay-per-view.

BATTLE FOR PANDORA / Out now (Limited Theaters/VOD)

“After a help signal from a research vessel makes it back to Earth, the U.S. Space Force sends a rescue ship to Pandora, a Saturn moon. But when they try to land, they discover Pandora is already inhabited by a highly evolved humanoid species that won’t give up their Earthling prisoners without a fight.”

Asylum™, the “film” studio that has famously built a company making “spoofs” and “mockumentaries” of big budget thrillers/sci-fi, etc., now comes out with their “version” of Avatar. In my day we called this stealing.

TEENWOLF: THE MOVIE / January 26, 2023 (Paramount+)

“A full moon rises in Beacon Hills — and with it a terrifying evil has emerged. The wolves are howling once again, calling for the return of Banshees, Werecoyotes, Hellhounds, Kitsunes, and every other shapeshifter in the night. But only a werewolf like Scott McCall, no longer a teenager yet still an Alpha, can gather both new allies and reunite trusted friends to fight back against what could be the most powerful and deadliest enemy they’ve ever faced.”

If you’re gonna have a Werecoyote, there better be a Wereroadunner.

BLUE BEETLE / Release pending 2023 (Theaters)

“Jaime Reyes is a young man from El Paso who bonds with an alien scarab that attaches to his spine and creates a suit of specially powered armor for him. The scarab at one time appeared in the possession of the wizard Shazam.”

And his first nemesis is…Lady Bug. 

DYI Mad Scientist, Robot Animals, Worshiping Werewolves

Ever wanted to be a mad scientist but couldn’t find a lab coat on Amazon.com? Now you can live out your experimental aspirations with My Father’s Work, an extensive, intricately designed and app-driven board game from Renegade Games™. Your delirium-inducing Checkers game has just been shown the door. 

From Renegade Games description: “My Father’s Work allows two to four players to experience life through the eyes of three generations of mad scientists as they strive to complete a unique masterwork, such as “The Creature”, “Lycanthropic Strength”, “Love Potion”, “Immortality”… even “A Time Machine”, among others. To do so, they’ll have to further their scientific studies and experiments with lesser pursuits that will lead to more grandiose discoveries.”

If that wasn’t enough to make you shell out $125 for the game, there’s more: “Mechanically, My Father’s Work is a euro-style “worker placement” game, but one with a massive amount of theme and narrative heaped upon it. The game’s designer, T.C. Petty III, confirmed what inspired him. “Yes, 100% for the classic cast of Universal Monsters and Hammer Films with Christopher Lee’s iconic Dracula. The aesthetic leans very hard on classic, early horror film tropes: Gothic mansion on the hill, lightning strikes, howling wolves, over-the-top horror logo, unnatural noir lighting – the works.”

Of course there’s way more to My Father’s Work than that. Go to their website and see for yourself. After you do that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you give up playing Checkers…

TRANSFORMERS: RISE OF THE BEASTS / June, 2023 (Theaters)

In 1994, a pair of archaeologists from Brooklyn come into an ancient conflict through a globe-trotting adventure that ties in with three factions of Transformers: the Maximals, the Predacons and the Terrorcons battling robotic animals.

Pffft — Mecha-Kong was a robotic animal in 1967 — way before all these ultra-crappy Transformer sequels.

WEREWOLF CABAL / Release pending 2022/2023 (VOD)

“An American author travels to a small rural town in the UK to collect an inheritance after his estranged mother dies. During his stay, he uncovers a cabal that worship Lycanthrope.”

Worshiping the Lycanthrope goes back as far as 1985. Specifically, Silver Bullet, where the local preacher was a werewolf. If you didn’t pray, you became prey. Heh.

THE FLOOD / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A daring jail break during a dangerous storm is interrupted by hungry alligators.”

Alligators in prison. They should be, what with all their racist smack talk against crocodiles.

BRIGHTWOOD / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A couple on the verge of divorce find themselves mysteriously trapped while on a run around a pond.”

If I was on the verge of divorce, I wouldn’t run around a pond. I’d run to a bar — to celebrate.

Gruesome Gingerbread, Bowling Gremlins, Army of Monsters

Hereditary (2018) was not only a deliciously shocking and f’d up acclaimed horror movie, it’s also edible. And by edible, I mean, you can eat it — now that its inspired a gingerbread house modeled after the movie’s famous final scene in a treehouse. You know the one — where (SPOILER — RUN AWAY!) Charlie is possessed and his mom’s headless corpse is in the treehouse with him, as is his sister’s (SPOILER ALERT — KEEP RUNNING!) head, which is also a nice addition to the tasteful treehouse decor. 

Here’s the yummy details: “A24 is selling the Hereditary Gingerbread Treehouse Kit, which includes a cast iron mold plate, along with a plastic treehouse base, recipe card, instruction booklet, and a tealight to illuminate your treehouse at night. Made from food-safe plastic, the base includes a forest-floor textured base plate, four ‘birch’ legs, a platform, and a ladder.” The price? A head-chopping $62.00.

The Hereditary Gingerbread Treehouse Kit ships December 16, 2022. That’s this year in case it slipped your…HEAD. So while you rush to order it (click this), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as tasty as killer gingerbread…

SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-O-RAMA 2 / December 2, 2022 (Full Moon Features Streaming)

“The babes are back! And so is everyone’s favorite wish-grantin’, murder-lovin’ mischievous gremlin, the Imp. The Pi Epsilon Delta sorority house has seen better days, but the girls are intent on gaining some new recruits. With housemother Auntie Snake as their guide, the naughty hijinks and hilarity begin. Meanwhile, though, the Bowl-O-Rama bowling alley has had a break-in, and a breakout. With the escape of the magical and murderous Imp, it’s a fight for survival, with only one mysterious girl holding the answers to the riddle of the Imp’s wish.”

The original Sorority Babes In The Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama came out in 1988 and showed women’s panties and chestular areas. Didn’t need the lingerie section of the Sears™ catalogue after that.

THE DEATH OF APRIL / December 9, 2022 (VOD)

“Meagan Mullen, freshly moved into her East Coast home, keeps in touch with her friends and family through a video blog. As her entries — and her life — become more complex and emotional, strange things begin to happen in her apartment and the camera captures all of it.”

Here’s an example of one of her video blogs: “Rewatched The Handmaid’s Tale…washed hair again…drank wine and shopped on Amazon.com…found yet another ghost caught in the dryer’s lint trap…”

HOW TO KILL MONSTERS / release pending 2023 (VOD)

Jamie Lancaster is the sole survivor of a blood-drenched massacre at a remote cabin in the woods. Claiming her friends were torn apart and eaten by a horrific monster, she’s arrested by the local cops and locked up for a crime she didn’t commit. Jamie’s claims of innocence are all too real when the entire police station is ripped from our reality and thrown into a nightmarish dimension of Lovecraftian creatures hungry for human flesh. Jamie must team up with a bunch of rookie cops and lawbreakers to hack and slash their way through an army of monsters and find a way to get back home before it is too late.”

Sounds like the cousin to 2011’s Cabin In The Woods. That one had every monster ever created in it, with a really big one at the end. I shan’t spoil it for you…EVEN THOUGH I WANT TO.

BAD ACID / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“An accidental bad trip goes heinously awry into the land of neon and spandex. A very Heathers-esque accidental ingestion turns the neon assault of a teen girl’s bedroom into a fluorescent (well-toned) hellscape.”

Don’t do drugs or you’ll end up in jail wearing neon-colored spandex, much to the delight of lifer inmates.

Horror Snack Pack, High School Ghost, Vampire Schooner

Your choice of horror movie viewing couch snacks are many, from 7-Eleven™ Tomahawk Rib-eye steaks in a rich, squeeze bottle chocolate finishing sauce, to canned Lobster Bisque paired with a nice, dry Steel Reserve™. But how many of those TV dinners are as cool as the new Creepshow™ heavily-salted mouth treats?

FYE™ exclusively carries a line of Creepshow™ snacks to munch and later wipe your fingers on your Old Navy™ pants: White Cheddar Skullcrunch Popcorn ($4.99), Sour Gummy Worms (aka, Nightcrawlers/$4.99) and a blood red Creepshow™ Cherry Energy Drink ($3.99) — to help get the rubbery candy worms past your gag reflex.

While you ponder spending extra on gummy (or “gummi”) worms for having the Creepshow™ logo on it (unbranded version: $1.69 on Amazon™), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not stress test your gag reflex…

KARADA SAGASHI (aka MIDNIGHT SCHOOL) / Out now (VOD)

“A high school student and her friends are trapped in a time loop by a ghost and the only way to escape is to find the corpse of the ghost’s previous victim.”

Time loop detention for anyone unable to guess how this ends. 

SCREAM 6 / March 10, 2023 (Theaters)

“The four survivors of the Ghostface killings leave Woodsboro behind and start a fresh chapter in New York City.”

The fifth sequel that’s as pointless as the original 1996 movie. FYI: In 1989’s Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, Jason Voorhees also visited New York — he was in town with a few days to kill. (Okay, I totally took that from 1990’s Predator 2. You probably wouldn’t know that had I not confessed to my crime.) 

THE LAST VOYAGE OF THE DEMETER / Pending release 2023

“Based on a single chapter, the Captain’s Log, from Bram Stoker’s classic 1897 novel Dracula, the story is set aboard the Russian schooner, Demeter, which was chartered to carry private cargo – twenty four unmarked wooden crates — from Carpathia to London.”

Dracula was in one of those coffins, uh, I mean, crates. The rest of the old time-y suitcases contained his spring/summer evening capes, backup underwear and socks, toothpaste/shampoo/shaving gel, raisin snack packs for the long ocean journey, and hometown dirt. This is so Drac can start a garden once he reaches London. He’s got quite the green thumb for growing…blood oranges. Heh.

TABOO / Pending release 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“Three juvenile criminals, Charity, Charlotte and Michelle, are given one last chance at redemption. They’re sent on a team-building course in a forest with their youth worker, Miss White. While on the course, the group learns they are not alone. The situation goes from bad to worse, and their trip becomes a matter of life and death.”

No other details, so here’s an educated stab at it — their new camp counselor is either Bigfoot or some sort of poisonous moose. Makes sense if you let it.