Archive for Amazon.com

Blinding Eclipse, Virtual Ghosts, Garbage Children

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 18, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Eclipse Map

With the once-in-a-lifetime full-on eclipse just a few days away as of this lunar calendar day, Flipboard.com, a site dedicated to the subjects of the unexplained, the supernatural, paranormal conspiracies, mythical beasts (and where to find them), posted a map as where to best view the eclipse and UFOs that will be tracking the event as well. (I added the UFO pics to the map as I WANT TO BELIEVE their article.)

I’d be remiss in my duties as a highly untrained faux journalist if I didn’t make this socially responsible warning: do NOT watch the eclipse without special glasses (Amazon.com is selling ‘em by the metric ton). You could seriously damage your vision/eyeballs meant for online porn, cat videos and this blog. (Not necessarily in that order — the video where the lazy cat is riding on top of a dog still makes me LOL.)

Speaking of things that should or should not be viewed with eyes wide shut, here’s a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies while you’re waiting for the vanilla sky… (You got both references, right?)

Stasis

STASIS (August 29, 2017/VOD)
“After a night out partying and being left behind by friends, Ava sneaks back home to find that she’s already safe in bed. But that’s not Ava — it’s someone who looks like her. A time-traveling fugitive has stolen Ava’s body, which makes Ava a virtual ghost, who is silent and invisible to the world. But Ava is not alone. There are other body snatchers secretly living among us, plotting to alter the future. Ava realizes she can stop these body snatchers and put the timeline back on course.”

If I came home and saw myself in bed, I’d put rubber snakes, unpaid parking tickets and peeled hard boiled eggs under the covers, then stand back and watch the ensuing hilarity. I sure hope my bed self doesn’t loose control of his/my bladder because of it; I gotta sleep in that thing. (It’s my turn tomorrow.)

30 Years of Garbage: The Garbage Pail Kids Story

30 YEARS OF GARBAGE: THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS STORY
(out now/select theaters/September 20, 2017/VOD/DVD)
“This documentary revisits the artists who made these collectibles famous, showing a rare glimpse into the corporate culture of Topps™ as they launched Garbage Pail Kids through the height of the cards fame, the downfall from the legal battle with the Cabbage Patch kids and their untimely demise. The film is jam packed with interviews of over a half dozen artists. Each artist penned these counter-culture trading cards and each artist shares the inside stories.”

Used to collect those things. My friends, too, as they were convinced I was one of the characters. (I would’ve been the electrocuted rock guitar star, Jolted Joel.) If you do a little homework you can track down The Garbage Pail Kids Movie, which came out in 1987. Not many saw it — the movie only made $1.5 million at the box office. Ironically, people spent more money collecting the horror/sci-fi/pop culture themed cards than on the flick itself.

Mexico BarbaroMEXICO BÁRBARO II (2017/film festival circuit)
“Nine Mexican directors come together to narrate traditions and more brutal, ruthless and bizarre legends of our country. Mexico Bárbaro II shows the world stories that are part of our popular culture, from sweet stories told by our grandmothers, the tooth fairy, witchcraft, the story behind the weeping woman, sexy servers of the Devil, a pagan hero, the burnt woman, up to ancestral culinary bloody rites. Traditions and legends that today continue to cause terror among Mexican people.”

If you saw the first Mexico Bárbaro (2014), then you know you’re in for a sweet, sick ride with II. This little jewel came out of nowhere (okay, Mexico) and the eight shorts that comprise the indie made film were highly gruesome, graphic and gory, which means you should watch it. (FYI: Bárbaro translates to “Barbarian.” After watching the movie, that’s sugar coating it.)

Land of Smiles

LAND OF SMILES (out now UK; 2017/2018/US)
“A young backpacker is lured through the Third World paradise of Thailand, searching for her kidnapped best friend and unknowingly she becomes the object of a sociopath’s obsession.”

Not sure how this differs from, say, a trip to the grocery store and/or cult retreat. Never been to Thailand. I wear T-shirts, not ties. My motto: thrashin’, not fashion. So sayeth Jolted Joel.

Spooky Books, Female Werewolves, Scary Bathrooms

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 17, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Residue

Spent the weekend in Portland, Oregon and stayed at my favorite hotel (The Benson) downtown. It’s 187 steps away from Mary’s Club, Portland’s oldest nakedteria. And it’s in the men’s bathroom I found real horror — it hasn’t been cleaned since the club went topless in 1955 (it was a piano bar in the ’30s). If/when you go there, where a wet-suit and scuba tanks. If that’s too stylish, you can get a hazmat suit on Amazon.com™ pretty cheap.

Speaking of cheap, here’s some new low-budget horror movies headed 187 steps in your direction.

RESIDUE (July 18, 2017/VOD)
“Private investigator Luke Harding reads a book of sinister origins owned by seedy crime lord Mr. Fairweather. Unbeknown to Luke, the book is a much sought-after supernatural artifact and Fairweather’s greatest rival, the enigmatic Mr. Lamon, pursues Luke with his henchmen. While the criminal underworld is desperate to retrieve the book and harness its power for their own dark agendas, it’s evil begins to take root in Luke’s apartment; putting himself, his daughter and his secret love in a fight for their lives…and their eternal souls.”

Why doesn’t Luke just sell the supernatural book on Craigslist™? (eBay™ sucks.) That way I could buy it and put my own dark agendas to work, which includes but is not limited to an endless bar tab, waffle dinners at least five nights a week and even louder heavy metal.

Lycan

LYCAN (August 4, 2017/limited)
“When six college kids in a sleepy Southern town are assigned a group project to rediscover a moment in history, one of them sets in motion a horrific fate when he proposes they head into the Georgia backwoods to tackle the legend of Emily Burt, the Talbot County werewolf.”

A female werewolf. Not a new concept, going all the way back to 1913 with The Werewolf. The chick wolf in that one was Phyllis Gordon. Man, even her name sounds like it has hair on it.

Darkness Rising

DARKNESS RISING (2017)
“When Madison Shaw finds out that her childhood home is about to be torn down, she knows that she has to see it one last time. But this isn’t a nostalgic trip through childhood memories. When she was a little girl, her mother killed her baby sister, and Madison narrowly escaped with her life. Now she has one last chance to confront the demons that have haunted her ever since.”

Stock title, stock plot. I tend to ignore movies with the words “dark” or “darkness” in its title as that’s usually a sign of a paint-by-numbers thriller. But hey, I’ll have nothing better to do whilst my hair dries, so I’ll probably watch it.

The Bride

THE BRIDE (January 19, 2017/Russia – 2017/2018 U.S.)
“Nastya is a young woman who travels with her soon-to-be husband to his family home. Upon their arrival, she can’t help but think that the visit may have been a horrible mistake. She is surrounded by strange people and starts witnessing strange, terrible visions as his family prepares her for a mysterious traditional Slavic wedding ceremony. More than the wedding preparations, can she survive the next few days?”

As long as she can make it through the honeymoon, then we’re all good here. Hope this Russian horror movie has sub-titles; I don’t care much for “reading” movies, but there’s usually some really funny phrases in translations. (“Get away from me demon — you are horrifying me…”)

Eight-Legged Shark

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 11, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sharkantula

A man/woman/misc. eating shark with eight legs? Why not? Why do all those smug spiders and octopi get to flaunt their figures? (And don’t get me started on centipedes, human or not.)

So where can we find this eight-legged shark and watch it over and over? You can’t. It’s a book, not a movie. While I normally don’t include books in this here bloggedty-blog, Sharkantula (by Essel Pratt) is in all likelihood going to end up being a $1,000 budgeted movie on the SyFy Channel™, because after four films with the same premise, everybody’s bored out of their cartilage with Sharknado.

Here’s how Sharkantula — a cross between a shark and a tarantula — swims up yer alimentary canal…

“When a genetically modified tarantula finds itself loose in the Great White shark exhibit at Shark World, the feisty arachnid sinks its fangs into the main attraction. Without warning, the Great White mutates into Sharkantula and the opening day show turns deadly.  The mutated shark/tarantula hybrid is hungry and ready to feast upon the flesh of those that don’t run away fast enough to escape its webbing.”

“Desperate to stop the carnage, a group of Shark World employees join forces with the tarantula’s keeper in an effort to stop the devastation before Sharkantula can escape the confines of the aquatic theme park and spread its terror.”

Okay, so not a whole lot of thought went into this. And yet, I need Sharkantula to be a movie. Today, if possible. Until that moment arrives (I have my eyes on the clock), you can get the book — for free in Kindle™ form if you’re as impatient as me — by clicking HERE and purchasing (for $3.99) on Amazon.com.

P.S. The character concept of Sharkantula was first imagineered by Kdogprime back in February of 2015 as a role playing card monster. Time to get an attorney, Kdog.

Ravenous Sharkantula

The Horror of Turkish Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 3, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Siccin 3

When one thinks of Turkey (the country, not the tasty Thanksgiving day featured attraction) – whose food staples include yogurt salads, fish in olive oil, and stuffed and wrapped vegetables – you don’t think of cutting edge and taboo-free horror movies. But you should.

Siccin

One of the biggest horror hits ever from that country with an annual precipitation averages about 15 inches is Siccin (pronounced “Sich-in”), released in 2014 (available for $31.82 on Amazon.com). To say it was acimasiz (“brutal” in Turkish), is an understatement. Here’s the arsa (plot)…

Siccin

“Öznur is a young and beautiful woman. She has had a platonic love since childhood to Kudret, who is her cousin. Kudret, however, is married to a woman named Nisa and is very happy. Jealous, Öznur uses terrible black magic to change this so that she and Kudret will be together. However, she is not prepared for the evil that this spell unleashes.”

Siccin 2

Again, an understatement. The evil stuff is unflinchingly graphic and double nasty. So it made sense they would follow it up with Siccin 2: Every Living Thing Will Taste Death in 2015:

Siccin

“Sweetly is in love with his cousin since childhood has become Might obsession. Might be married to Nisa’s mind is blocked for a while, he has been happily married since Kudret final decision. Succumbing to passion Sweetly looks larger land to achieve a solution on behalf of prohibited sake. Nisa demons haunting the spell. After five Isha prayers by Talisman Nisa and death will meet with his blood.”

Siccin

Okay, clunky description (thanks for nothing, Google Translate™). The cousin love theme notwithstanding, more crazy sick demons (ramped up from Siccin) and free-flowing kovalars (buckets) of human juice.

Sicchin

Again, a mega hit. But like Turkey’s bankable weather (summers are consistently hot and dry, with temperatures often above 86 °F), Siccin 3: Curmi Love, a second sequel, has been announced, releasing in Turkish theaters on September 2nd, 2016. (You can book a flight there on any of Turkey’s 98 airports, including 22 international airports.) And as hardcore horror goes, Siccin 3 raises the bar even higher. First, the plot (arsa):

Siccin

“After a terrible car accident, Sedat will do anything to save a childhood friend – even if it means dealing with demons and ghosts.”

Siccin

Doesn’t quite sell it. But when you watch the trailer and get a taste of the press pics, you will indeed bok your pants. (Hoping you figure out what “bok” means.) A flight/hotel to Turkey on Expedia.com™ goes for an affordable $992.00. Siccin – money well spent.

The Family Ghouls

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 31, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The House of Seven Corpses

Watching 1974’s The House of Seven Corpses (featuring eight graves) is comparable to a sitting down to a Thanksgiving dinner with family and relatives: lots of arguing, some bloodletting, and a big turkey at the center of it all.

The House of Seven Corpses

So this horror movie film director is making a movie about the infamous Beal Mansion and the family who were the sacrifice party victims of occult mis-doings. Points for setting the mood.

The House of Seven Corpses

But the sticky part comes when the director wants the reluctant cast to re-enact said rituals/incantations from best-selling Tibetan Book of the Dead (available on Amazon.com – no kidding), which ends up resurrecting one of the family ghouls who shows up to coach the actors on how to die with more realism. Talk about your killer cameos – heh. [Note: This might be where The Evil Dead (1981) got the idea to do the SAME THING.]

The House of Seven Corpses

The zombie has his work cut out – there are 14 main characters, all of whom barely get along. Not helping that the director is constantly yelling and brow-beating his actors into emoting. (He’s actually more of a dick than a filmmaker.) But it’s the ghoul that squeezes the performance out of the dwindling actors/actorettes/everyone else.

The House of Seven Corpses

Best part: a school/graveyard fight between the director and a cameraman at the end – lens dude gets flipped into a freshly dug grave and through the magic of cinema, rises up as an icky dirt zombie. He crawls out and pursues his choke-worthy adversary so slow as to let turtles whiz by.

The House of Seven Corpses

The House of Seven Corpses has a great title. Not much more than that, unfortunately, even though a ton of horror movies after ripped it off. Kinda like people who dress like you. (Sometimes I hate being a fashion icon.)

Volumes of Blood

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 1, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Volumes of Blood

Almost freaked out in my pants when I saw the title Volumes of Blood (2105), which, in my conspiracy theorist addled brain, mistook as a rip-off of horror/fantasy icon Clive Barker’s Books of Blood series (Volumes 1 – 6, 1984 and 1985). You don’t mess with the Clive.

Anyway, after watching the trailer for Volumes of Blood (kinda cool) and admiring the ad sheet (old school cool), my panicked thoughts were suitably calmed. Here’s why: “Five tales of dread are interwoven when a sociology student gathers several of his friends at the local library on Halloween night to help him create a new urban legend with deadly consequences.”

Books of Blood

There’s more to it than that and the premise is promising, despite the title getting a little too close for comfort to a modern classic. But it’s proof that few on this planet have the depth of imagination as Clive Barker. And me. Mostly Clive, though.

Rawhead Rex

Even though a handful of the Books of Blood short stories have been adapted for film – some good (Midnight Meat Train/2008, The Forbidden filmed as Candyman/1992) and some still-awful-but-kinda-fun (Rawhead Rex/1986, The Last Illusion filmed as Lord of Illusions/1995) – you’re doing yourself a massive disservice by not grabbing the BoB compilations from Amazon.com and seeing where some groundbreaking horror continues to live.

Jaws In Your Bathtub

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 25, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jaws

“You’re going to need a bigger toy box…”

A re-casting of the famous line in Jaws (1975) in which Roy Scheider’s character Chief Martin Brody is chumming the sea with fish guts and Jaws pops out and causes Brody to pollute his pants.

Coming soon is a new Jaws ReAction toy figures by Funko™. Their website says it’ll be released in July doesn’t line up with Amazon.com’s available date of September 30. No worries – Korea will probably bootleg this thing and have it for sale by the end of today.

A Gremlins (1984) set is being released at the same time as well. But I never liked those little trouble-making toilet brushes, so put me in the “not even close to being interested” column. Nope, I want me some Jaws.

Gremlins

The coolest part is the air tank accessory, which fits as nicely in Jaws’ mouth as action figure/shark hunter Quint. (For realism they should’ve added a beer can accessory to go along with Quint’s harpoon.) Then you have marine biologist and all-around wise-guy Matt Hooper. Oddly, he looks built to the scale of Quint and Brody. In the movie Hooper is a little dude, a veritable Scooby snack for Jaws.

Each uneaten figure is sold separately for $19.99 and Jaws for $24.99 (on Amazon), or buy ’em altogether for $49.88 + $4.99 shipping. Seems reasonable given how much fun time you’ll get in the tub with these guys. OK, that didn’t come out right. Really wish they would’ve made Quint’s boat, Orca. Now I’m gonna have to use a cereal bowl carrying his next three meals for Jaws to attack/kill/eat.