Panic in the Midwest, Strained Zombies, Hot Rod UFOs

If you’re a horror movie fan living in Kansas City, MO, then get ready for some squealing glee noises to spring from your mouth hole: the Panic Fest: Horror, Sci-Fi, Thrillers Film Festival takes place at Screenland Theater (1701 McGee Street) April 13 – 23, 2023 in both in-person and virtual formats. This means you can “attend” if you don’t live in Missouri Land.

From the festival’s press release: “Panic Fest was founded in 2013 by Screenland Theatre and Downright Creepy. The fest enters its 10th year as one of the top genre festivals in the world. This year we once again provide a virtually option to attendees all over the United States via the Eventive™ platform in addition to our in person festival, which features enhanced safety protocols.” (Enhanced safety protocols probably means a two-drink maximum.) 

Panic Fest is screening a metric ton of foreign and non-foreign horror, sci-fi and thrillers. I’d list them all here, but you can go to their website to see all the titles. Cool how that works. So the three-tiered ticket pricing starts at $15 for a single pass, $135 for an online virtual pass (lots of cool extras with this one), and tops out at a head-slapping $205 for in-person and virtual access. Don’t panic — you can get hooked up here.

So while we plan on attending Panic Fest in person (because Double Shift Brewing and Red Sash Brewing are a mere block from the Screenland Theatre), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need a two-drink maximum to get through…

STRAIN 100 / April 11, 2023 (VOD)

“After surviving a terrifying car crash, a young woman discovers aggressive flesh-eating zombies have overtaken the entire area. She must figure out what is happening and why in hopes of escaping her horrifying circumstances.”

A weak plot as far as zombie movies go. Maybe throw in a robot, a couple of werewolves and a cheerleader. That should pump up the jams.

I’LL BE WATCHING / May 2, 2023 (VOD)

“After Julie’s sister was murdered, she and her tech genius husband move to the country, and he installs a top-notch security system that he developed. When he leaves on a work trip, she gets trapped inside and is convinced that the killer is having fun playing a sick game of psychological torture, before killing her like her sister.”

Psychological torture can be brutal, like when the bartender cuts me off, then goes, “Kidding!” Man, that is just not cool.

THE ANTARES PARADOX (aka, La paradoja de Antares) / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

The fiction takes place in a single room, involving dedicated astrophysicist Alexandra Baeza, who interacts via phone and video with the rest of characters. Alexandra is working in a Spanish branch of the SETI project. Upon receiving a signal from the Antares system that could herald the confirmation of extraterrestrial intelligence (and which she is required to verify), she receives the news of her father being at death’s door. She faces a dilemma as to whether priority should be given to career or to family. 

Tough call, but I’m gonna go with doing a Zoom™ call with the aliens and see if they’ll come to Earth and let me get behind the wheel of one of their hot rodded UFOs. I’ve seen enough flying saucer movies to get the gist of operating one.

SKULLETON / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“Moira Cole attempts to move on with her shattered life after the brutal murder of her friends and family at the hands of her deranged and obsessed cousin, Lee Morris. Living a quiet suburban life with her deeply affected two adult sons, Moira is constantly reminded of her past, which is strewn across the screen every October, having been optioned into an incredibly popular horror franchise.”

Skulleton would be a great name for a metal band whose merch is cooler than their music.

Hometown Haunts, Prime Time Exorcism, Robot Mom

Does your town have a haunted house/hotel/7-Eleven™? If it did, would you know how to find it? Now you can with Fright Find, a website with a comprehensive database of every real haunted house/hotel/7-Eleven™ in every state. It’s like one-stop shopping for ghost groupies. 

From Fright Find’s website: “Every state has its own eerie haunted history. From the Salem Witch Hunts to the Ghosts of the Alamo, each state’s history goes back hundreds, if not thousands, of years. However, there are no boundaries on the afterlife. To help you find haunts in your state, we’ve organized these real haunted houses, places, and haunted attractions so that you can start your phantom hunt. Curious to know your state’s haunted history? Want to find the most haunted place in your state? Start your Fright Find right here…”

According to their stats, Florida is the most haunted state with 127 listings. The District of Columbia clocks in with a non-tourist generating seven haunts. I drink in Washington State and Fright Find says we have a respectable 73 haunted listings. In your face, every state with 72 or less.

While you go through Fright Find’s documentation of all the scary stuff in your state, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not put you in a scary state…

CRAZY CROCODILE / Out now (YouTube™)

“Food host Xiaoyu is tricked into participating in a survival reality show, along with a group of other people who all have their own reasons to participate. Everyone strays into the forbidden area in the wild and they are attacked by mutant crocodiles.”

The irony of a food host becoming food for the mutant crocodiles is…delicious.

KKN DI DESA PENARI: LUWIH DOWO, LUWIH MEDINI / December 29, 2022 (VOD)

“A Javanese proverb expressed by Widya’s mother just before she left for KKN. A sign that there was something in the village at the far east. Widya, Nur, Ayu, Bima, Anton and Wahyu never thought that their KKN activities would lead to disaster.”

The movie’s weird and unpronounceable title translates to KKN in Dancer Village: Longer, Scarier. Yeah, no — didn’t help. I think there’s a dancing snake in this movie.

TRUE HAUNTING / January 6, 2023 (VOD)

“The terrifying true story of the first televised exorcism on NBC in 1971. Millions around the country watched the program that was recorded in Chicago. The NBC news segment was a success, the exorcism was not. Instead, it made things worse for the Becker family who lived there. Much worse.”

All exorcisms should be televised. Can’t be any ickier than watching Dr. Pimple Popper.

JUNG_E / January 20, 2023 (Netflix™)

“In the 22nd century, with Earth no longer habitable due to climate change, war breaks out in the last shelter built for human survival. The only way to end the war hinges on cloning a legendary mercenary into a scalable robot. In a post-apocalyptic near-future, a researcher at an Artificial Intelligence lab leads the effort to end a civil war by cloning the brain of a heroic soldier — her mother.”

It’d be cool to have a robot mom. I don’t know why. Just seems like she’d be better than non-robotic moms.

Alien Finger, Devil Theater, Robot Santa

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, a sugary, family “sci-fi” movie, came out in 1982. The starring the Earth-bound “alien,” designed to sell one million billion toys, looked like a carnival plush toy resembling a turd with big sad eyes. And E.T.’s extra-long probing finger, with a glowing light instead of a fingernail, uncomfortably reminds me of my proctologist, Dr. “Big Finger” Linderman. To quote E.T., “Ouuuuch!”

Now, 40 years later, you can own the actual animatronic metal skeleton they made E.T. with, is up for grabs. Here are the details from Julien’s Auctions and TCM Present: Icons and Idols: Hollywood auction: “Headlining this epic event is the E.T. the Extra Terrestrial Hero ‘#1’ mechatronic filming model ‘actor’ that brought the eponymous character to life in Steven Spielberg’s 1982 classic E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (estimate: $2,000,000 – $3,000,000). Pre-dating modern CGI technology and effects, this one-of-a-kind cinematographic relic (constructed in 1981) features 85 points of movement and is regarded as an engineering masterpiece.”

While you decide to bid on this item or engineering your own toilet masterpiece, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not give you turd-like sad eyes…

NANNY / November 23, 2022 (Theaters) / December 16, 2022 (Amazon Prime Video™)

“A Senegalese immigrant nanny is working for a privileged couple in NYC. A violent presence invades her reality, threatening the American Dream she is painstakingly piecing together.”

If she’s a nanny, only one thing could be a violent presence — a fully loaded diaper.

DEBBIE AND THE DEVIL / December 9, 2022 (Theaters)

“Sally and Johnny escape a mass shooting and hide out in Mister Red’s (aka, Satan) movie theater where they are shown three horror films, each one involving the Devil’s agents and their victims.”

And Satan even hands out snacks to enjoy during the movie — Red Hots™. Man, that’s comedy gold.

CHRISTMAS BLOODY CHRISTMAS / December 9, 2022 (Theaters, Shudder™)

“It’s Christmas Eve and Tori just wants to get drunk and party. But when a robotic Santa Clause at a nearby toy store goes haywire and begins a rampant killing spree through her small town, she’s forced into a battle for survival.”

Call the plagiarism police — they STOLE this plot from Futurama. Specifically, “Xmas Story,” which had a robot Santa shooting/exploding up the town and anyone in the way of said shooting/exploding. More specifically, Episode 4, Season 2, which aired on December 19, 1999. Television NEVER forgets.

JERUZALEM 2 / January 1, 2023 (Theaters)

“When doomsday happens on their wedding day, a couple in Jerusalem must bring their families together to put aside their cultural differences and battle demons tasked with ridding the Holy City of impure souls.”

I thought a doomsday and a wedding day were the same thing. Heh. That said, the movie poster’s tagline proclaims there are three Gates to Hell: one in the desert, one in the ocean and one in Jerusalem (or “Jeruzalem”). They’re totally forgetting/ignoring the Tug Tavern. So yeah, FOUR Gates to Hell. They need to redo the movie poster.

Horror Meals, Robot Sisters, Apocalypse Aliens

Master of Literary Horror Stephen King is known for cooking up delicious stories of everything from the supernatural to, like, double supernatural. But now with the release of Castle Rock Kitchen: Wicked Good Recipes from the World of Stephen King [A Cookbook], you can taste with your mouth what you’ve been feeding your eyes.

Written by Theresa Carle-Sanders, a trained cook and recipe writer, the recently released (October 4, 2022), the hardcover cookbook ($31.99/256 pages) goes something like this: “Explore 80 classic and modern recipes inspired by Stephen King’s Maine, featuring dishes from the books set in Castle Rock, Derry, and other fictional towns — with a foreword from the legendary author himself.”

“Castle Rock Kitchen is an immersive culinary experience from the mouthwatering to the macabre, with gorgeous, moody photographs to transport Stephen King fans to kitchen tables, diners, and picnic blankets across Maine. Recipes ranging from drinks to dessert (and every course in-between) are inspired by meals and gatherings from the more than forty novels and stories set in King’s Castle Rock multiverse — a darker, more Gothic version of the Maine most are familiar with.”

While I prefer a steaming bowl of “Life-Sentence Oatmeal” (guess which King story that’s in reference to), here are a few more of the book’s recipes to chew on…

• Breakfast: Pancakes with the Toziers (It), Dog Days French Toast (Cujo)

• Dinner: One-Handed Frittata (Under the Dome), Killer Mac and Cheese (“Gramma”)

• Supper: Blue Plate Special (11/22/63), Whopper Spareribs (The Tommyknockers)

• Fish and Seafood: Crab Canapés (Pet Sematary), Moose-Lickit Fish & Chips (The Colorado Kid)

• Vegetarian: Wild Mushroom Hand Pies (Bag of Bones), Holy Frijole Enchiladas (Elevation)

• Baking and Sweets: Hermits for the Road (The Long Walk), Blueberry Cheesecake Pie (“The Body”)

• Drinks and Cocktails: Homemade Root Beer (Carrie), Deadly Moonquake (“Drunken Fireworks”)

Before you strap on the feedbag, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as flavor-fortified as Dog Days French Toast or Moose-Lickit Fish & Chips (with ketchup for dipping)…

THE PERIPHERAL / October 21, 2022 (Amazon Prime Video™ Series)

Flynne Fisher lives in the rural American South, working at the local 3D printing shop while earning much-needed extra money playing VR games for rich people. One night she dons a headset and finds herself in futuristic London — a sleek and mysterious world, alluringly different from her own hardscrabble existence. But this isn’t like any game she’s ever played before: Flynne begins to realize it isn’t virtual reality…it’s real. Someone in London, 70 years in the future, has found a way to open a door to Flynne’s world. And as utterly beguiling as London is, it’s also dangerous. As Flynne searches to discover who connected their worlds, and for what purpose, her presence sets dangerous forces into motion…forces intent on destroying Flynne and her family in her own world. The Peripheral is a dazzling, hallucinatory glimpse into the fate of mankind — and what lies beyond.”

Both The Peripheral and the Tug Tavern share similar traits — each is a dazzling, hallucinatory glimpse into the fate of mankind. While The Peripheral might have time traveling future people, the Tug is populated by pension drunks (aka, “Time Stands Still’ers”) getting their Happy Hour hallucination on and who don’t wash their hands in the here and now. 

FEED / October 28, 2022 (VOD)

“Influencers soon try to ride the wave of ‘ghost tourism’ to market various tourist destinations for clients. The goal is to make potential tourists believe an old witch, Märit, lives in the lake around a commercial camping site – but there’s soon reason to believe that Märit is more than just a made-up ghost story.”

A ghost witch who lives in a lake. Makes sense as witches are historically proven to be buoyant, and by extension, probably very good water skiers.

MEGAN / January 13, 2023 (Theaters)

A brilliant roboticist at a toy company uses artificial intelligence to develop M3GAN, a life-like doll programmed to be a child’s greatest companion and a parent’s greatest ally. After unexpectedly gaining custody of her orphaned niece, Gemma enlists the help of the M3GAN prototype — a decision that has unimaginable consequences.”

A full-size robot sister. My sister isn’t a robot, though steam comes out of her ears whenever I’m around. Maybe she needs more system coolant. 

DAUGHTER / Pending release 2023

“Held against her will inside an isolated house deep in the woods, a young woman has no choice but to challenge the interpersonal dynamics and self-imposed rules of her captors, a three-person nuclear family that believes the air outside is toxic and that the apocalypse has arrived.”

Very similar to the plot of 10 Cloverfield Lane (2016). Both have alleged stinkified air and hardcore life rules, but Cloverfield has apocalyptic aliens. They should add a few apocalyptic aliens to Daughter. You know, for story continuity.

Rubber Slasher, Decade Zombies, Robo-Mom

If you’re gettin’ the itch for psychopathic rubber dolls that uses cuss wordings, The SyFy Channel™ has a Chucky TV series based on the Child’s Play franchise in the works. You can stop yawning any time now.

Here’s what Don Mancini, Chucky’s “dad,” has to say about taking the one punchline joke into our living rooms: “The show will be a fresh take on the franchise, allowing us to explore Chucky’s character with a depth that is uniquely afforded by the television series format, while staying true to the original vision that has terrorized audiences for over three decades now.”

When you quit yawning, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you use cuss like a rubber doll…

MATRIARCH (April 9, 2019)
“Rachel and her husband, Matt are stranded after wrecking their car on a remote Scottish road. Though hostile at first, a nearby farmer and his wife welcome them in after learning that Rachel is with child. Suddenly, Rachel realizes the family’s ‘daughter’ is a local girl who’d gone missing years before. But when she and Matt attempt to escape, they’re held at gunpoint — just as Rachel goes into labor. Will their child’s first day on earth be the couple’s last?”

There’s a good idea — go for a scenic drive in the country with a wife about ready to give birth. That kind of thing could really do a number on the car’s upholstery.

ZOMBIELAND: DOUBLE TAP (October 11, 2019)
Taking place 10 years after the original, the zombie slayers face off against the many new kinds of zombies that have evolved since the first movie, as well as some new human survivors. Most of all, they have to face the growing pains of their own snarky, makeshift family.”

So those four “zombie slayers” managed to live 10 years without being eaten into chewable chunks? That’s less believable than a zombie apocalypse.

I AM MOTHER (2019)
“A teenage girl is raised underground by a kindly robot ‘Mother’ — designed to repopulate the Earth following the extinction of humankind. But their unique bond is threatened when an inexplicable stranger arrives with alarming news.”

I’m no expert, but aren’t teenage girls supposed to be raised above ground?

SKYMAN (2019)
Is self-proclaimed alien ‘experiencer’ Carl Merryweather on the path to filming his own alien abduction, or is he just another crackpot looking for fame and fortune? Carl himself may not be completely sure, but he is determined to take us on a journey in search of the answer. And that journey ends at the very spot in the desert where it all began almost 30 years ago…a chance meeting with an alien he calls the Skyman.”

This one comes from one of the people behind The Blair Witch Project (1999), which means this has the high potential of sucking as much as that movie did. Probably gonna be filmed with a hand-held camera, too.

Cute Cyborgs, Christmas Carnage, Ghosts Aplenty

Hard to believe it’s been 25 years/countless slaughtered teens ago that Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday (August 13, 1993) splattered across movies screens and into our hearts. And what a better way to commemorate that non-recognized postal holiday than with a documentary about it.

From the press release: “The film will be giving viewers a never-before-seen in-depth look at the most infamous Jason film of all time. Through interviews and behind the scenes details, you will understand the unique landscape the series was in at the time, having just changed studios and already being on the road to the eventual Freddy vs Jason (August 13, 2003) film which wouldn’t see release for another 8 years. And you will see genre greats, both who were in the film and not, weigh in on Jason’s journey to hell.”

Sounds like a big bowl of warm ice cream for the eyes. No official word on when this thing is supposed to premier, but a fair guess would be soon-ish-esque. So while we wait for it like we have to go to the bathroom really bad, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your bladder splatter…

THE KEEPING HOURS (available now)
“Mark, a successful attorney, returns to his old house after the tenants skipped out on rent. While there he experiences a supernatural event that forces him to reach out to his ex-wife. Ten years after their son’s death, a ghost will help reunite the estranged couple and deliver a message of life or death.”

Geez, they all but tell you who the ghost is. Why don’t the filmmakers just tell me what I’m getting for Christmas — and there better be twelve of ‘em, if you catch my drift.

DIANE (September 17, 2018)
“Steve’s lingering physical and emotional scars from the war in Afghanistan plunge him into a soulless routine. He continues his drab existence until the corpse of a beautiful singer, Diane, is dumped in his backyard, shaking him back to reality. Steve takes a photo of her before calling the police and soon he becomes obsessed with the dead woman’s image. Steve is scrutinized by the police, becoming the prime suspect hassled by Diane’s widower, and attacked by self-righteous neighbors. Before long, the malevolent ghost of Diane begins to work a dark spell that leads Steve to strange and startling revelations.”

Caught someone dumping an old couch in the alley behind my apartment. Better that than a corpse. But still, you can’t toss it in Elliott Bay? It’s deep enough to hold 10,000 old couches. (FYI: If you see one bobbing around with a KISS sticker on it, I may or may not know who it belongs to. Ahem.)

MRS. CLAUS (November 13, 2018)
“A group of college students attending a Christmas party at a sorority house that has a sinister past are stalked by a bloodthirsty killer disguised as Mrs. Claus.”

After living in Santa’s fat shadow for all these years, it’s nice to see Mrs. Claus finally get her day in the sun, even if it is an impostor posing as her.

ALITA: BATTLE ANGEL (December 21, 2018)
“This is a science fiction movie about a robot called Alita. Set several centuries in the future, the abandoned Alita is found in the scrapyard of Iron City by Ido, a compassionate cyber-doctor who takes the unconscious cyborg Alita to his clinic. When Alita awakens, she has no memory of who she is, nor does she have any recognition of the world she finds herself in. As Alita learns to navigate her new life and the treacherous streets of Iron City, Ido tries to shield her from her mysterious past.”

The future is so advanced, now they have homeless robots. Looks like some things will never change.

Real X-Files, Angels & Zombies, Future Grrrls

Sad to report the April 13, 2018 passing of Art Bell, 72, one of the paranormal’s iconic advocates. Host of the globally-popular Coast To Coast AM late night radio show for twenty years, Art’s show was a seriously presented forum for all things paranormal, demonic, ghostly, cryptid, crop circle-y and all around monsterific. And while Art’s charismatic deep voice and dry delivery wasn’t enough, his callers’ supernatural stories and UFO sightings were the stuff custom made for ratings.

So popular was his radio show, he was syndicated in 500 markets in the U.S. and Canada. (Canada, by the way, is where all things paranormal were born, no doubt fueled by Moosehead beer.) Radio DJ Alan Stock described Art’s show as being “like a Disneyland for sci-fi.” Coast To Coast AM still broadcasts with the super cool George Noory at the mic. (He also regularly appears on the History Channel’s Ancient Aliens.)

So here’s to you, Art Bell — thank you for being the legendary voice for the real X-Files. And while you can hear archived shows on YouTube™, here are a few just released and upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that might’ve been right at home on Coast To Coast AM…. 

AVZ: ANGELS VS. ZOMBIES (available now)
“At the end of days seven archangels arrive to deliver us from evil. Get ready for the resurrection, the dead will rise.”

Never understood the term “archangel.” Does that mean they have osteoporosis? So angels doing battle with zombies. Seems like everybody wants to take a swing at the undead these days. Heck, God’s delivery sycophants have battled everything from Bigfoot to aliens to even other angels. (Angels are like the Amazon Prime™ of religion.) be double awesome if someone would come up with AVS: Angels vs. Sharktopus.

ALONG WITH THE GODS: THE TWO WORLDS (available now)
“Ja-hong, a firefighter, is taken to the afterlife by three guardians, where only after passing seven trials and proving he lived a noble life will he be able to reincarnate.”

Guess if firefighter Ja-hong is in the afterlife, he must not have been that good at his day job. And who wants to reincarnate? Being back on this toilet Earth is the last place I’d wanna return policy. Except my favorite bar, which I coincidentally call “the afterlife.”

HOUSE ON ELM LAKE (available now)
“A couple and their young daughter move into a lake house that remained unsold due to the brutal, ritualistic murder of a family years ago. Soon, they realize that a dormant evil has awakened, a possessive force that has preyed on unsuspecting families like theirs for centuries.”

A house on Elm Lake? Is this Freddy Krueger’s Airbnb™? If I was dormant evil and lived on a lake, I’d wake up, goon out a few ducks and make splishy splash happen. And I’d do it in a Speedo™, you know, just to up the horror factor.

FUTURE WORLD (May 25, 2018)
“Inside a desert oasis, a queen lays dying as her son Prince travels across barren waste lands to find a near-mythical medicine to save her life. After evading violent raiders on motorbikes led by the Warlord and his enforcer, Prince meets Ash, the Warlord’s robot sex companion-assassin who’s in search of her own soul. As Prince is captured by the Druglord, the Warlord’s forces roar in — and Prince fights to save the remnants of humanity.”

The trailer makes this look like a Road Warrior (1981) knock-off, but with lots more riot grrrls. Maybe they should call it Mad Maxine. The drool-worthy Milla Jovovich stars and still looks a sexy fresh as she did in the Resident Evil (2002) six-movie franchise, where she got more attractive with each consecutive sequel. I bet she eats a lot of preservatives. Heh.

Family Astronauts, Alien Bigfoot, Time-Traveling Sharks

Everything old is new again. Except me. I’m speaking, of course, about the Lost in Space series re-boot on Netflix™, premiering on April 13, 2018. And to that, I say coolness.

I watched the 1966-1968 TV series on YouTube™ before they got their rocket boosters spanked for violating the space/time continuum (and copyright laws). And while the weekly adventures of a family “lost in space” inside a giant UFO (it even came with a talking robot and bubble tractor van) was cheesy beyond belief, it was ALWAYS entertaining.

On that note: my fav episode was when a giant cyclops alien Bigfoot threw boulder rock stones at their bubble tractor van. It was so awesome, they made it into a hobby model kit. I would like one right now, please.

Then there was the 1998 movie adaptation. It was inept in all the wrong places, but it did feature super hottie Heather Graham, who, while out of this world attractive, never once answered any of my Earth transmissions inquiring as to any space-y romance opportunities.

So while you wait for the new series to premier in April and I wait by my ham radio for any signal back from Heather Graham from the outer reaches of space (and my affectionate tentacles), here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not leave you lost — in space or otherwise…

DEVIL’S ACID (available now)
“A father tells an inappropriate bedtime story about a wealthy man named Johnny who holds a ‘Haunted Hot Girl Challenge’ every year in a quest to sleep with as many women as possible. Things get out of hand this year when Johnny and the participants take a potent strain of acid in an abandoned prison. Everything is going as planned until the Devil shows up to settle an old score.”

The plot couldn’t be more untimely. Women have had enough of men and their panty-slobbering ways, so to imply a date rape drug party is just asking to have your man card revoked in the form of a black eye, metaphorically and physically. And to do all of this in an abandoned prison? I’m thinkin’ not a very sanitary sanitarium.

BLOODLANDS (available now)
“A dark fairytale following an isolated family wrestling with old traditions in modern Albania. They’ve all heard rumors of a witch lurking in the mountains with her mysterious clan but none dared to believe it. The family must come together and unite when the witch declares a blood feud against them.”

You do NOT wanna mess with witches, man — they can make brew soup that’ll ruin the inside of your soul pants. And those brooms? They’re capable of sweeping destruction. Heh.

SHARKNADO 6 (July 25, 2018)
“Fin unlocks the time-traveling power of the Sharknados in order to save the world and resurrect his family. In his quest, Fin fights Nazis, dinosaurs, knights, and even takes a ride on Noah’s Ark. This time, it’s not how to stop the Sharknados, it’s when.”

Yeesh — talk about punching a punchline so far into the ground, it’s coming out the other side of the planet. FYI: I checked — the exact opposite side of the world from Los Angeles (where movies like this are made) is in the middle of the Indian Ocean. Maybe that’s where sharknados park their fins and socialize.

INVOLUTION (2018)
“The film takes place in a future that’s reality is a far cry from the one we live in today. The Earth has been sent out of control, affected by a cruel and inhuman mechanism that turns back Darwin’s theory of Evolution.”

They, of course, are referring to beer. It’s fun to watch people turn into thick-headed Neanderthals after drinking too much of it. Myself included.

Power Women, Wormholes, Babysitting the Devil

Whilst watching the recent Critics Choice Awards on the ‘ol viewing box (once again, I failed to make it into any category), it was refreshing to see the continued and passionate support of the #TimesUp movement, and to see those who did win awards, not squander their prime time speeches on themselves/politics/UFOs, and kept echoing the point of gender inequality. This was the best part of the show.

Kumail Nanjiani, the voice of Prismo on Adventure Time (one of the most imaginative, non-alcohol-fueled cartoon series out there), had this to say during his acceptance speech for The Big Sick/Best Comedy: “I think as men, we have been talking for centuries. It’s time for us to shut up, listen, and amplify.”

In the spirit of that, and given that 2018 is clearly the Year of the Woman, I hereby lend my support and nominate as movement ambassador, Ellen Ripley from Alien (1979) and for being a take-charge role model and a kick buttock lady who kicks xenomorph buttock all over the galaxy. (Other personal candidates are Diana Prince (Wonder Woman), Natalia Romanova/Natasha Romanoff (Black Widow from Avengers/2012), Melinda May (Marvel’s Agents of Shield) and Princess Bubblegum (Adventure Time).

While everyone waits on you to chime in (and please do) with your candidates for Woman/Women of the Year (and every year), here are a few just released and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may do better with Ripley/Princess Bubblegum in the lead…

THE BEYOND (available now)
“Set in 2019, The Beyond chronicles the groundbreaking mission which sent astronauts — modified with advanced robotics — through a newly discovered wormhole known as the Void. When the mission returns unexpectedly, the space agency races to discover what the astronauts encountered on their first of its kind interstellar space journey.”

It’d be cool to go into space with an advanced robot. Think of all the cool slot-machine beating tips it could teach you. As wormholes go, the ones in my neighborhood could be called the Void. But I prefer their Earth names: The Poggie Tavern, The Tug Tavern, The Maha… (I could keep going into the Void if you want.)

A DEMON WITHIN (available now)
“A young girl dies in 1914 after a demonic spirit preys on her family. Decades later, a skeptical doctor must stop history from repeating itself by confronting his own demons to save the life of a possessed teenager.”

Seems like everyone is getting possessed these days. Used to be everyone wanted to get married. (If you wanna know what Hell on Earth is, put a ring on it.)

HOUSE OF SALEM (January 23, 2018)
“A group of kidnappers become a child’s unlikely protectors after discovering they have unwittingly been set up to take part in a satanic ritual. As they begin to uncover the truth of the house they find themselves trapped, they must battle demonic forces and uncover a legacy of over a hundred years of murder in the name of the Devil.”

So criminals have to become babysitters? This sounds like a rom-com. Throw in the Devil and madcap situations ensue with hilarious results.

WASTELANDER (January 23, 2018)
“In a post-apocalyptic landscape, an ex-soldier wanders in search of his lost home and family. Along the way, he joins a makeshift group of survivors who convince him to lead them through the wasteland. But when a band of pillaging raiders comes after them, they must fight to survive in this cruel dystopia.”

Wonder why they always frame the future as the Earth having been Napoleon Blown Apart? My vision of the many days after tomorrow include jet-packs, pleasure-bots and self-washing hair.

200 Year-Old Monsters, Unfriended Bigfoot, Women Horror

Classic horror fans already know this Mary Shelley, the author/creator of the immortal Frankenstein was 20 years old when the book was published on January 1, 1818. That’s, like a million years ago! (Okay, more like 200, but still…)

To commemorate, Rockport Publisher’s Classics Reimagined series presents Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein: The 200th Anniversary Edition, releasing on January 16, 2018. From the press release: “With detailed and evocative imagery, renowned artist David Plunkert takes readers on a dark journey into the greatest novel in the monster genre.”

“The 256-page hardcover book features an 8-page vellum insert detailing the doctor’s designs, and a stunning, full bleed, double gatefold image of the monster. Finished with printed endpapers and painted book block, this masterpiece volume is perfect for book lovers and art lovers alike. The Classics Reimagined series is a library of stunning collector’s editions of unabridged classic novels illustrated by contemporary artists from around the world. Each artist offers his or her own unique, visual interpretation of the most well-loved, widely read, and avidly collected literature from renowned authors.”

I read the book a million years ago before I could afford a TV. But if you’re like me and have a semi-functioning television portal leading to multiple universes, here are a few now available horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you wanna take up reading…

BIGFOOT COUNTRY (available now/VOD)
“Some say Bigfoot is just a hoax but when a group of hikers go deep into the woods after being warned by a guide that has encountered a Sasquatch, they decide to ignore him and go off trail, but the deeper the go into the woods they realize that they are not alone. Becoming hysterical as night falls, the group is terrorized to their core and accidentally shoots and wounds a Sasquatch. Legend says the Bigfoot species simply want to be left alone but when provoked, they will protect their territory and in this case the damage has been done and there is no turning back.”

You encountered and then decided to ignore Bigfoot and then later shot him? What’s next — unfriending him on Facebook™? Hikers can be so socially cruel.

DEATH ISLAND: PARANORMAL RETRIBUTION (available now/VOD)
“A team of supernatural researchers set out to shoot a documentary about hikers who vanished on a remote and desolate island in the Great Lakes, an island whose only inhabitants are 3,500 Native American graves. Despite repeated warnings from locals, they provoke the spirits of the dead and find themselves stranded and trapped in a vortex of paranormal retribution.”

3,500 graves on one island? That leaves very little room for a paranormal resort hotel and casino. I bet they have priests instead of parking valets — just in case you park on one of the graves. (They should really mark ‘em better — and not with yellow paint, which can easily be mistaken for a parking spot.)

7 FROM ETHERIA (available now/VOD)
“Etheria is the world’s most respected showcase of the best new horror, comedy, science fiction, fantasy, action, and thriller films made by emerging women directors. Terrifying home invasions, unexpected carjackings, and hilarious jelly wrestling are just the start: before you’re through watching this anthology, you’ll visit a Tasmanian penal colony in 1829, prove Kurt Gödel’s time-travel theorem, be victimized by strange alien substances, and dare to venture out into a devastated nuclear wasteland.”

They had me at jelly wrestling. 2018 is the Year of the Woman, so best to rent this and when it comes to the ladies, best to keep our male yaps shut for once — unless when asking them to buy you a refreshing adult beverage without conditions.

MAGELLAN (available now/VOD)
“When NASA picks up three signals of extraterrestrial origin coming from within our own solar system, the space agency expedites a mission to investigate the sources. As Earth’s lone emissary, they send Commander Roger Nelson, the test pilot for an experimental spacecraft called the Magellan, assisted by an onboard A.I. named Ferdinand.”

So a robot and an astronaut walk into a solar system. Sounds like a set-up of a great joke, the punchline being that  they end up picking up the bar tab for the aliens. Why else would they signal us? Earth suckers.