Archive for Zombies

New York Zombies, Pretentious Sci-Fi, Fun Aliens

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 5, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Asylum of Darkness

Watched a sneaky guy using his iPhone™ to record Kong: Skull Island at the movies the other day. Then he had the gall to offer to sell me the bootlegged flick for $10. I had just spent $12 to see it. I made him wait so I could hit up an ATM machine. Hey, I blew all my spare pocket coupons on red vines and hot dogs.

Speaking of blowing, here’s a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that hopefully won’t…

ASYLUM OF DARKNESS (April 11, 2017)
“After awakening in a mental asylum, a patient plans his escape to freedom while fighting off supernatural forces in both the real world, and some that may only live inside his head. But once on the outside, he learns that the life awaiting him is more twisted and dangerous than anything he could conjure in his head, one that is luring him back to the asylum forever.”

Substitute “dive bar” for “asylum” and this will make more sense. Generic title, generic plot, generic waste of time. So yeah, I’m in.

Empire State of the Dead

EMPIRE STATE OF THE DEAD (April 11, 2017)
“The recently deceased rise, feasting upon the living as a zombie outbreak spreads across the globe. In Central New York, a small Marine patrol, led by Sergent Ritter, tries to keep order. But while battling the living dead they are also faced with roving gangs going unchecked and entire military units defecting. Amid the chaos, a drug lord named Ray sees an opportunity to rule the new world rising, and he is sabotaging rescue centers and military bases to help further break down the Government’s attempts to restore order. Who will survive when Ritter and Ray finally face off?”

Empire State of the Dead consists of seven short stories produced and set in New York State, all directed by New York State filmmakers. It includes a series of wraparound segments (and one big finale) tying them all together into one epic feature motion picture detailing the early stages of a zombie outbreak.”

Should be interesting to see how they all meat. Heh. Good thing the zombie outbreak is in New York; I have a hard enough time battling the brain dead in my own neighborhood of Seattle, home of skyrocketing rents and rubbery movie theater hot dogs. Those things are so chewy you could blow a bubble with one.

The Osiris Child

THE OSIRIS CHILD: SCIENCE FICTION VOLUME ONE (April 2017)
“Set in a time of interplanetary colonization, Sy Lombrok, a former nurse who is now a drifter with a haunted past, forms an unlikely alliance with Kane Sommerville, a lieutenant who works for off-world military contractor Exor. In a race against time they set out to rescue Kane’s young daughter Indi amid an impending global crisis precipitated by Exor.”

This one was made in Australia and premiered last year in a theater that’s about 8,113 miles from my freshly swept bachelor pad. Never was a big fan of sci-fi where they give everything super dumb future names, though. Exor? Sounds like prescription butt medicine.

Alien: Covenant

ALIEN: COVENANT (May 12, 2017)
Just because I already previewed this previously doesn’t mean I can’t do it again. I make the rules so I can break the rules. This time it’s with another drool-worthy ad poster. Trying to stay away from the trailers so I can be shocked out of my hot dog bun when I see it at the Imax™, which will no doubt cost $150 to get in. Time to start selling my blood. Again.

Superheroes, Godzilla, Chick Monsters and Dirty Harry

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 25, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Eyes

Spent all morning trying to get my hair to goon out like Giorgio Tsoukalos on the Ancient Aliens TV series. That guy has some serious follicle action goin’ on. My attempt to replicate and emulate didn’t turn out so well. Looks like I won’t be leaving my apartment until the lacquer wears off.

In the meantime, here’s some upcoming horror and sci-fi to make your hair stand on end…

THE EYES (April 7, 2017)
“Six strangers with unspeakable pasts wake up imprisoned in an abandoned warehouse and discover they are being forced to participate in an evil governmental experiment.  Five must die. One can live. And they have two hours to decide amongst themselves who survives. The clock is ticking and if they don’t decide…they ALL die.”

Overused plot #37. And being forced to participate in an evil government experiment? Well, heck — that’s called life. And The Eyes needs to get one.

Justice League

JUSTICE LEAGUE (November 11, 2017)
Fueled by his restored faith in humanity and inspired by Superman’s selfless act, Bruce Wayne enlists newfound ally Diana Prince to face an even greater threat. Together, Batman and Wonder Woman work quickly to recruit a team to stand against this newly awakened enemy. Despite the formation of an unprecedented league of heroes — Batman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Cyborg and the Flash — it may be too late to save the planet from an assault of catastrophic proportions.”

The new trailers for Justice League has everybody frothing in their britches. (Mine were bubbling over every since the first Wonder Woman trailer.) DC, a little late to the superhero gang game, is nevertheless pulling out all stops to make JL a box office barn burner. And with footage of Wonder Woman changing into her costume, it should be.

Not sure why they included the semi-obscure Cyborg over Green Lantern or Martian Manhunter. But hey, they didn’t include me either as Yell Man. Super powers include expressing myself in hippie-scattering levels, planking upside down on the couch and staring at the TV without blinking for days on end. Abilities become more intense after powering up with a mystical potion (Budweiser™).

Godzilla — Monster Planet

GODZILLA — MONSTER PLANET (November, 2017/Netflix™)
Haruo, who saw his parents killed by Godzilla in front of his eyes when he was 4 years old, had only one thing in his mind for 20 years: to return to the Earth and defeat Godzilla. Shut out from the possibility of emigration, as the living environment in the ship deteriorates, the group of ‘Earth Returnists’ led by Haruo became the majority, and determines to head back to Earth through a dangerous long-distance hyperspace navigation. However, the Earth they have returned to has already passed the time of 20,000 years, and has become an unknown world with the ecosystem reigned by Godzilla.”

This one’s animated (i.e., cartoon). Still, it’s God-freakin’-zilla, man. I’ll take him in any form — except wood. A wooden Godzilla would probably burn his own tongue off when breathalyzing his radioactive flame belch. (Clams have that same effect on me for some reason.)

Lifeform

LIFEFORM (2017)
Hadrian Beckett, a molecular biologist working to bring his wife, Samantha, back from a brain dead state, creates transgenic super stem cells that are capable of repairing cellular damage. The cells save Samantha’s life, but Hadrian and Sam discover that she is slowly being transformed into a creature of pure instinct, one that is able to alter the shape of its body at will. Hadrian must find a cure before her sense of identity is completely subsumed by the beast within her.”

Not to be confused with the 1996 sci-fi movie of the same name. Then again the plot feels like a reworking of Deadly Friend (1986) with notes of Return of the Living Dead 3 (1993). So Samantha is turning into a creature of pure instinct and… The next words out of my mouth could get me in big trouble with every woman on the planet.

Maniac Cop

MANIAC COP (2018)
“A determined female cop sets out to reveal the truth after the LAPD attempts a cover up when innocent people are brutally murdered on the streets by a uniformed police officer.”

Maniac Cops

A remake. Before it: Maniac Cop/1988, Maniac Cop 2/1990, Maniac Cop 3: Badge of Silence/1993, all of which takes their lead from 1973’s Magnum Force starring the ultimate maniac (in a good way) cop, Dirty Harry.

Magnum Force

Ghost Town With Real Ghosts. And Dogs.

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 5, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Stephen King's Desperation

Not since The Stand (1994) has a Stephen King movie adaptation had such a high body count. And these expired husks aren’t just for statistical/social reasons: they’re rotted, leaking, stinking and bloated, with snakes and hairy tarantulas coming out of mouths and holes where the eyes and south of the belt exit-only ramps used to be. Like human non-recycleables, these things are all over the place.

Stephen King's Desperation

One person is responsible for all this carnage: the town sheriff. He’s so sadistic, you cringe in your swimsuit (hey, the washing machine’s broken —don’t judge me) every time he traps another victim on a long stretch of highway just outside the small Nevada town of Desperation. Those he doesn’t kill right away land in a small jail. The others get shot without a lick of thought. (i.e., a five year-old girl.)

Stephen King's Desperation

As with all Stephen King stories/adaptations, you’re overloaded with complex characters, one of which is always “different,” in this case a young boy who speaks directly to God. Good thing as the other God (i.e., Tak) is possessing bodies (i.e., the sheriff) and making them rot from the inside out (i.e., goopy drawers).

Stephen King's Desperation

The first half of Stephen King’s Desperation (2006) is intense enough to make your underpanties twist up under the driveshaft. The small town is completely dead from the inside out. Dozens of dogs evenly line the street as if waiting for a cat parade. Vultures peck nonchalantly at bodies, snacking lightly in-between meals. And there are rattlers (snakes) and crawlers (spiders) everywhere you step. (The grocery store scene will make you think twice about ever walking into a food shop full of dead people again.)

Stephen King's Desperation

The second half, where the God kid and Tak’s prisoners get out of jail (great scene) and try and figure out what the flip, starts to sink under its own weight. Outside of town is the Chinese Pit, a coal/gold/gravel mine where Tak’s cathedral nightclub was disturbed, thereby unleashing the vengeful god and making the Chinese immigrants who were digging in the mine all those happy years ago to go crazy and kill each other with pick axes to the chest vicinity. Stephen KIng's Desperation

The get-out-of-jail people wrestle with moral issues, more spiders and a cougar in a bathroom that changes shape to that of a Vietnamese guy with a bomb. That part will make sense if you just have patience. Instead of getting out of town, the survivors head for the mine where they have a redeeming showdown with Tak, complete with flashback wedgies and dialogue that works better in a book than in a movie with gnarly, decomposing bodies all over the place.

Stephen King's Desperation Normally, I’m all about vengeful gods wreaking havoc, especially if they look like a monster and/or evil something or rather. But Tak looks like cigarette smoke (ala, Lost), which isn’t so scary, unless you factor in the health detriments of second hand smoke. The ending gets kinda “group huggy,” but in the end a decent take on a book with too many pages. Better, anyway, than Stephen King’s ultra-crappy The Langoliers (1995). (The movie version.) Man, what a punch bowl turd that thing is/was/continues to be.

Lunar Living Dead

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 2, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Plaguers

Of course I believe that the six supermodels rescued from the U.S.S. Diane were hijacked by astro-pirates who killed the entire crew except them. Wouldn’t you?

Plaguers

Answering the distress call, the fuel transport ship Pandora picks up the silver platform boot-wearing hotties dressed in clothes picked up for cheap at a Star Trek rummage sale. No sooner than they’re on board before they reveal themselves as being the pirates. Dang them all to heck.

Plaguers

But what the pirates don’t know is that the Pandora is carrying a green glowing marble the size of a soccer ball called “Thanatos” (way dumb), a virus entity, which when cracked, leaks out Simple Green™ and turns whomsoever into flesh-gulping space zombies.

Plaguers

One by one, the crew fall prey to those infected and do nothing but chase everyone around for the rest of the movie. (I swear the zombies knew the camera was on them because one even stops to strike a pose.) While the zombies in Plaguers (2008) look somewhat decent (demon mouths, oil breath, open sores), I dare you not to LOL when two chicks fist fight each other. I haven’t seen that kind of wimpy b*tch slapping since I got into it with a stubborn twist top.

Midget Monsters, Nazi Zombies, Cleaning Toilets

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 16, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Creeps - Deformed Monsters

You ever see the 2007 Spanish horror hit [REC]? That one had a few humans trapped inside an apartment building loaded with slobbering, flesh-chowing zombies. I feel like I live in that same building as I can hear my highly annoying neighbors chew dinner with their loud mouths open. Wonder if they’re eating flesh? That’s what it smells like as anytime anyone cooks something, it stinks up the entire building. Think I’ll fight fire with fire and fry up some raw tuna and eggplant.

Here’s some upcoming horror movies that hopefully won’t stink…

THE CREEPS – DEFORMED MONSTERS (February 21, 2017/Blu-ray)
“Undersized, undead and angry. Dracula. Frankenstein. The Werewolf. The Mummy. In an experiment of the maddest kind of science, these four classic monsters of film and literature are brought back to life…but something goes wrong. Though they look and act exactly as they you’d think they’d look, the creepy quartet emerge as half their normal size. Now, they’re three feet tall…and not happy at all.”

Can’t blame ‘em for being unhappy. At three feet tall, that puts your face at everyone’s butt level. This would be especially demoralizing if they worked at a bean factory. The Creeps actually came out in 1997, but this is the first time on 2D HD 1080p. That’s just scientific jibber jabber, but some people with hi-tech minds will find that to be of significance. I’m gonna go back to braiding my hair and contemplating puffy clouds.

Besetment

BESETMENT (2017)
“A young woman takes a hotel position in a small town in Oregon. It’s a creepy, back country kind of town, but owners Mildred Colvin and her son seem nice. It’s not long before she discovers their real intentions and her struggle to make a living becomes a nightmarish fight for her life.”

A “nightmarish fight for her life.” Sounds like she has to clean toilets.

Trench 11

TRENCH 11 (2017/2018)
“In the final days of WWI a shell-shocked tunneler must lead an Allied team into a hidden German base 100 hundred feet below the trenches. The Germans have lost control of a highly contagious biological weapon that turns its victims into deranged killers. The Allies find themselves trapped underground with hordes of the infected, a rapidly spreading disease and a team of German Stormtroopers dispatched to clean up the mess. The only thing more terrifying than the Western Front is what lies beneath it…”

Two things come to mind: First, this sounds like a video game. Secondly, is this not a spin on Resident Evil (2002)? That one was based on a video game as well. I don’t play video games. It requires too much hand/eye coordination. I can barely put on my movie pants without falling over.

The Black Room

THE BLACK ROOM (May 9, 2017/VOD)
“A supernatural tale where evil takes on a sexy side. A married couple moving into their new home is faced with an entity that feeds off lust and desire, corrupting and/or killing everyone in its path as it plots a horrifying plan to destroy the world.”

Surprised that the entity is feeding off lust and desire from the married couple. Everyone knows that goes down the drain after the honeymoon fever wears off. I’m betting, however, this movie will depict boobies in all their paired gloriousness.

Aussie Ghosts, Home Invading Aliens and Vegas Zombies

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 13, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Caught

As a change of pace, been watching some classic horror comedies (I totally heart you The Ghost and Mr. Chicken/1966). But the best horror comedy you’ll ever see is coming from the White House. That thing should be a g’damn film studio.

Here’s some upcoming horror films that won’t make you laugh…

CAUGHT (2017)
“While on an afternoon walk with their children, two small town reporters notice the military camped on a hilltop. Debating the possible significance of this activity, they answer their door when two unusual strangers come knocking and find themselves held hostage in their own home.”

Don’t let the bland and uninspired press release put you off; this is an alien home invasion movie. So what could extraterrestrials possibly want from our shelves, cupboards and nightstand drawers? Given their galaxy-known probing procedures, they’re probably look for lube. The director is describing this movie as “alien art house.” Sounds cool, but I have no idea what that means.

Lemon Tree Passage

LEMON TREE PASSAGE (Available now Australia/Russia/2017 U.S.)
“A group of young backpackers in Australia discover that a legendary local ghost tale turns out to be true.”

The trailer looks pretty cool, introducing a bunch of young people to a much shorter lifespan in creative ways. The legend goes that if a car load of disposables travel down Lemon Tree Passage (in the States we call that a “road”) a light follows them. My advice to annoying young people — you can find Lemon Tree Passage on Google Maps™. Go there. Today, if possible. Unfortunately, this movie will be re-titled to the supremely generic/boring Death Passage for its US release.

It Stains Sands Red

IT STAINS THE SANDS RED (2017)
“Following a zombie apocalypse, Molly finds herself lost in the Las Vegas desert with one of the rabid living dead hot on her trail. Although at first she finds it hard to give him the slip, the situation gets even more complicated when the girl realizes that, unlike her pursuer has no physical need to stop and rest.”

Sorry about the art — was unable to find official stuff after 30 seconds of frantic clicking around the web. Interesting premise — a zombie pursing a chick in the desert like he was Jaws: The Revenge (1987), wherein the shark follows Chief Brody’s widow halfway around the world, just to have a nosh with her.

The Sound

THE SOUND (2017)
“Kelly is a writer and a skeptic of the supernatural. As a specialist in acoustic physics she uses low frequency tactile sound-waves to debunk reported paranormal activities for her online blog. When presented a new case of a supposedly haunted subway station Kelly sets off to uncover the truth behind the hoax that involves a 40-year-old unexplained suicide. Her investigation takes her deep into the abandoned station where her skepticism is tested. As Kelly ascends into the depths of the metro’s darkness she is confronted by an unforeseen evil. In the vastness, she must face her own haunted memories to find the truth and surface back into the light.”

How can you be a skeptic of the supernatural with all those ghosts goonin’ out everyone who dares venture into a haunted subway station/7-Eleven™? And while we’re on the subject, why is it ghosts are always of the “unforeseen evil” variety? Are there no more nice ghosts left? (I don’t count Casper the Friendly Ghost as he’s more emo than friendly. Nothin’ worse than a whiny poltergeist.)

The House That Jack Built

THE HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT (2018)
“Over a span of 12 years, the highly intelligent Jack introduces the murders that define his development as a serial killer. We experience the story from Jack’s point of view, while he postulates each murder is an artwork in itself. As the inevitable police intervention is drawing nearer, he is taking greater and greater risks in his attempt to create the ultimate artwork.”

Gotta love an artist who commits to his craft. Wonder what he uses as his medium? Acrylics? Water colors? Pottery clay? Needle point? The “As Seen On TV” Aero Knife™, the one where nothing sticks to it? (At $19.95, that’s a kick ass bargain. Gotta get me one and see if it makes peanut butter fall to the wayside.)

Insane Asylums, Demonic Bigfoot, Jungle Gods

Posted in Bigfoot, Evil, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 2, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Heretics

If someone on the beach started screaming and pointing towards the water and yelling there’s the Loch Ness Monster, would you look? If you were in Scotland you would. I won’t be falling for that one again.

Here’s some upcoming horror you won’t have to go to Scotland to see…

THE HERETICS (February 14, 2017 / European Film Market)
“A young girl is abducted by a man after he claims that a cult is hunting her. His goal is to protect her until sunrise but while restrained, the young girl falls deathly ill. While her friends and family search for her, the source of her illness becomes more and more apparent. She’s not sick…she’s changing.”

Based on that press release, this is the same plot as Midnight Special (2016). I don’t think she’s changing into a ball of light alien like that kid in MS. I wouldn’t be opposed to that, though. Wish I could do that; I’d save a fortune on light bulbs.

The Institute

THE INSTITUTE (March 3, 2017/Limited/VOD)
“Based on true events a 19th Century young woman who, due to grief following the untimely death of her parents, voluntarily checks herself into a mental institute. While there she is subjected to bizarre, pseudo-scientific experiments in personality modification, brainwashing and mind control.”

Those techniques, while pioneered in the 19th Century, have been refined and modernized for the 20th Century. Today we call experiments in personality modification, brainwashing and mind control “Happy Hour.”

Dig Two Graves

DIG TWO GRAVES (March 24, 2017/Theater/VOD)
“Set in the 1970s, the pic follows 13-year-old Jacqueline Mather who, after losing her brother in a mysterious drowning accident, soon is visited by three moonshiners who offer to bring her brother back to life but at a grim cost.”

I’m gonna have to side with the moonshiners here. If you can’t trust someone who makes illegal booze, what does that say about us as a civilized society?

Devil in the Dark

DEVIL IN THE DARK (2017)
“When estranged brothers Adam and Clint attempt to reconnect over a week-long hunting trip in remote British Columbia, they find the tables turned by a mysterious presence lurking in the forest.”

The mysterious presence in the Pacific Northwest woods can only be one of three things: Bigfoot, Bigfoot’s mother’s brother’s cousin or a Wendigo thingamajig. Or maybe it’s a Magic Bigfoot who dabbles in the Dark Arts. Yeah, I’m goin’ with that one.

Kong: Skull Island / Apocalypse Now

KONG: SKULL ISLAND (March 10, 2017)
The latest Kong: Skull Island ad poster is a nice homage to 1979’s Apocalypse Now. Got me thinking — what other similarities are there? In Apocalypse Now a military colonel goes rogue, kills a bunch of people and builds a kingdom for himself deep in the Viet Nam jungles.

In Kong: Skull Island, a giant rogue gorilla kills a bunch of people and builds himself a kingdom deep in the jungles of Skull Island.

My bad — totally different.