Sugar Monsters, Hot Dog Cryptids, Trailer Park Vampires

Last year — June 9, 2023 to be exact — I posted a blog about sugar-reimagined cereal makers General Mills™ introducing Carmella Creeper™, a new breakfast cereal/monster character (after 35 years) to join the legendary ranks of Franken Berry™, Count Chocula™ and Boo Berry™. And now G-Mills™ has upped their “most important fix of the day” by giving all of the above their own spooky pets. And they’re made of marshmallows, of all things. (In an adult world, these “pets” would be made of Aleve™, Tums™, Metamucil™ and Maximum Strength Preparation H Hemorrhoid Cream ™.)

While the Monsters’ Fright Friends™ cereals won’t appear on grocery store/food bank shelves for a few more months, the pets include Igor the spider for Count Chocula™, Bennie the bat for Franken Berry™, Meow Berry the cat for Boo Berry™ and Scratch the snake for Carmella Creeper™. Yeah, not very original names, but guaranteed to make your leavings look like a Peter Max painting.

So while we all grab these sugar-dense cereals when they come out — as well as a glucose monitor — here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you insulin-resistant…

BLACKWATER LANE / June 21, 2024 (VOD)

“After witnessing a tragedy on a dangerous country road, Cass is visited by a ghostly presence and begins to question her sanity. As these otherworldly experiences intensify, Cass is driven closer to the brink until she begins to assemble the pieces of a horrific plot against her.”

I liked this better when it was called Let’s Scare Jessica To Death (1971).

THE LEGEND OF CRICK FOOT / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“An aspiring filmmaker investigates a string of sightings involving a humanoid covered in hair known as Crick Foot. The creature frequents cook-outs and other outdoor gatherings in hopes of stealing hot dogs.”

I wasn’t stealing the hot dogs. I was merely taking advantage of free product samples.

BOGIEVILLE / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A young couple on the run come across the eponymous derelict American trailer park. They are convinced to stay by the sinister caretaker, although they soon learn that he is in fact the guardian of the residents of Bogieville, themselves a pack of blood-thirsty vampires.”

I thought vampires lived in dirty old castles with no electricity, running water or Styrofoam ice chests full of Pabst Blue Ribbon™.

THE LOOMING / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

Chester, a 70 year-old man, begins hearing strange noises in his home. Although he seeks help from his daughter Sarah and coworkers, they dismiss his concerns. But when Luna, his home audio assistant, detects the sounds, Chester realizes it has not all been in his head.”

Couple ’o things about The Looming: This is a short horror film and the 70 year-old looks more like an 80 year-old. But to make sure, just count the liver spots on his elephant trunk textured skin.

Cyborg Apron, Another Earth Doomsday, Alligator Addict

Godzilla foe Gigan is an alien cyborg. He used to be a reptile, but was reconfigured into a cyborg by those super mean Nebulans. But what sets Gigan apart from the variety snack pack of kaiju is his stomach buzz-saw, which means if you give him a hug, you’re gonna be sliced open like a hot cantaloupe, seeds and all. Gigan also has metal hooks for hands/feet (presumably for opening beers), a big beak (hide your sniffables) and shiny party rave wings. We got our first look at this unique monster in 1972’s Godzilla vs. Gigan. In that one, Gigan actually made Godzilla bleed out loud, the first kaiju to do that. And to commemorate Gigan’s 50th anniversary (even though he’s 52), Godzilla.com is selling a Gigan Narikiri Apron and Mittens set. As ridiculous as this sounds, I’m gonna have to buy it.

The product description tells us that the $60.00 apron/mittens (oven gloves), are constructed from polyester, synthetic leather, and cotton. And the iconic rotary cutter spine is made out of synthetic leather, presumably made from synthetic cows. Bonus: the apron/mittens are resistant to splattering cow grease, ketchup gone wild and Godzilla blood. Click this to buy it.

So while we look forward to wearing the apron ensemble to work on casual Friday, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not be THE fashion statement of the year…

CLEARMIND / Out now (VOD)

“A mother consumed by grief shatters the tranquility of her once-tight circle of friends. With a heart heavy with loss, she descends upon their weekend retreat like a tempest, determined to unleash her fury. However, her vengeance takes on a twisted form, as she wields the immersive power of virtual reality to exact her retribution. Within the digital realm, her wrath knows no bounds, weaving a web of psychological torment and haunting retribution that will leave her former companions forever changed.”

If my mom was able to control the digital realm, she’d make me go clean up the Matrix.

NIGHTMARES AND DAYDREAMS / June 14, 2024 (Netflix™)

“A sci-fi supernatural series about ordinary people encountering strange phenomena that may be keys to the answer about the origin of our world and the imminent threat we will soon face. Characters and plots will intertwine like pieces of a puzzle. And the big picture will be awe-inspiring. The seven episode series presents a different story and a new set of actors in each installment, leading up to a big showdown in the finale.”

I already know the origin of our world — and it has everything to do with aliens, our space overlords.

ROUND THE DECAY / October 2024 (VOD)

“When prominent locals take in a lost hiker, Kenzie, newcomer Roz and mysterious outsider Munroe find themselves caught between the leaders of the town’s factions and entangled in an ancient sinister plot dating back to its founder that threatens the survival of the town and their lives.”

I define an ancient sinister plot as having bars closing at 2AM. That is so sinister.

CRACKODILE / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Having chomped on a stash of super crack called Acid Mind Drainage, a sideshow reptile is transformed into a raging blood-lusting beast! The coke-addled creature breaks free of its cage and slips into the river that leads to the sleepy town of Pittman on the eve of the 50th anniversary of the Pittman Pepperoni Roll Festival.”

YET ANOTHER horror movie starring animals on drugs. Just a matter of time before someone does…Bear Aspirin.

Playing With Corpses, Mummified Mayhem, Murder Mouse

Rob Zombie’s first movie, House of 1000 Corpses, came out in April of 2003. In it, “two young couples traveling across the backwoods of Texas searching for urban legends of murder end up as prisoners of a bizarre and sadistic backwater family of serial killers.” That’s the good part. However, film critics — who clearly didn’t get Zombie’s deliciously lurid and violent dark comedy — rushed to take a steaming dump all over it, describing House of 1000 Corpses as being “too highbrow to be a good cheap horror movie, too lowbrow to be satire, and too boring to bear the value of the ticket.” Two decades later and these same critics are eating their words as House of 1000 Corpses has become a perennial cult fan favorite, spawning a ton of fun swag and merch, including the House of 1000 Corpses board game, arriving February 2023.

And we can thank Trick or Treat Studios™ for this. From the product description: “Howdy Folks! You like blood? Violence? Freaks of nature? Well, then boy do we have something for you! Trick or Treat Studios™ is thrilled to present the House of 1000 Corpses Game! Play the part of the Firefly family, working together to round up some pesky kids who are running around your house! To win, you’ll need to bring enough of them to Dr. Satan before the police show up!” Spoiler alert: Dr. Satan isn’t a real doctor.

The game costs $59.95 and can be preordered by clicking this. So while you do just that and fart in the face of film critics, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be a steaming dump…

THE CEREMONY IS ABOUT TO BEGIN / Out now (VOD)

“Madness, mayhem, and mummification rites ensue when a documentary filmmaker visits the rural commune of an Ancient Egyptian inspired cult to interview its enigmatic leader.”

Did you know that the English word “mummy” is derived from medieval Latin Mumia, a borrowing of the medieval Arabic word mūmiya, which meant an embalmed corpse, as well as the bituminous embalming substance? And bituminous means “often greasy, shiny, combustible organic sedimentary rock that consists of more than 75 per cent carbon by weight.” Both of these fun facts are probably better than the movie itself.

ROOTS OF EVIL / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A desperate son turns to a pagan cult to help save his mother’s life, while not realizing the menacing celestial forces beckoned by his own guilt.”

I wish I could beckon celestial forces. Then I’d be, like, double cool.

VINA: SEBELUM 7 HARI / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“The late Vina’s body, which was found on the Cirebon flyover, is thought to have been involved in a motorbike accident. Vina’s grandmother was suspicious because Vina’s body was unnaturally crushed but she did not have enough evidence to reject the coroner’s report. Vina possesses the body of her best friend Linda. However, she only has seven days after her gruesome death to reveal the painful truth about what happened.”

If Vina can reveal the painful truth about her death in one day, then she’ll have six days left to go motorbiking. P.S. The title translates to Vina: Before 7 Days.

SCREAMBOAT / Release pending 2024/2025 (VOD)

“A mischievous mouse stalks a group of New Yorkers on a late night ferry ride, unleashing murderous mayhem on a relaxing commute. Can the ship’s motley crew of travelers find a way to stop a killer creature who has developed a taste for tourists?”

Another entry that takes advantage of Mickey Mouse’s public domain status. It’s also a play on Steamboat Willie, a 1928 animated short film directed by Walt Disney. In that one Mickey Mouse is a mischievous deckhand under the command of the tyrannical Captain Pete. (Shaking clenched fist) I hate that tyrannical Captain Pete so much.

Butt Skin, Redux Reptile, End of the World – Again

If you’re serious about Star Wars and serious about gaming, then you need Secret Labs’ Star Wars™ chair/chair skins, a perfect combination on which to plant your Jabba the Butt. The new skins come in Stormtrooper™, Boba Fett™, Jedi™, Ahsoka™ and Empire™ themes. And you should know that Secret Labs™ chairs, desks and tons of accessories are highly-rated and stain-resistant to spilled Mountain Dew™, slippery pizza and the dreaded Cheetos™ fingers. 

The Secret Lab™ Signature skins, which slide over your Secret Labs™ gaming chair like a banana being placed gently back in its peel, come in three sizes and seven color schemes, retailing for $169. But you’ll want the limited edition Jedi™ skin for $199. FYI — all Star Wars™ skins compatible with your TITAN Evo Series™ chair. These fanny support systems sell between $519 and $569, and when it becomes available, covered in “exotic” upholstery for $1,699. (By exotic, I’m thinking they’re referring to Tauntaun hide.) 

So while we all click this to get our game chair on, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not put your dumper in the dumper…

COBRAGATOR / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“An insane genetic engineer living out in the bayou creates a genetic hybrid between a king cobra and an American alligator, giving rise to a murderous creature.”

This was completed but was never released, even though a trailer for it aired on the SyFy™ Channel, where it was supposed to be disposed. Gossip varies as to the date of its origin. MoveMonsterWiki.com says it was 2015. Movieweb.com says it’s 2016. IMDB.com says it’s 2018. I’m just gonna say who cares and when can I see it?

PORCELAIN / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“After learning that her estranged father has died, a young woman returns to her hometown to face a forgotten past and something sinister lurking within her childhood house.”

Judging from the doll on the movie poster, I’m gonna say the “something sinister” in the house is a hippie living in the crawl space.

F’D: TALES FROM THE END TIMES / Release pending 2024/2025 (VOD)

“A roster of stories from some of horror’s most visionary directors, all taking place on the day the world ends.”

The world ended last year. Apparently, they didn’t get the memo.

THE WELL / Release pending 2024/2025 (VOD)

“A budding art restorer travels to a small Italian village to bring a medieval painting back to its former glory. Little does she know she is placing her life in danger from an evil curse and a monster born of myth and brutal pain.”

So…Budweiser™?

Bat Cars, Dumb Aliens, Horror Mouse vs. Horror Bear

In Justice League (2017/2021), billionaire Bruce Wayne (aka, Batman — DO NOT tell anyone, especially criminals) was seen picking up Barry Allen (aka, The Flash — GO AHEAD and tell everyone, especially criminals) in a Mercedes-Benz AMG Vision Gran Turismo™. They come in silver and other colors that wouldn’t strike fear in the hearts of the criminally-intent. The cost? $1.5 million bat-dollars. And that doesn’t cover the tabs. Bus change for a billionaire.

Now, thanks to the Automobili Pininfarina™ Collection, you can get one or all four newly-designed Bruce Wayne luxury vehicles for $3,644,541.00 up to $5,252,427.00. Models include: Battista Dark Knight™, Battista Gotham™, B95 Dark Knight™ and B95 Gotham™. Click this to purchase with money you can only dream about. (When I finally get F*ck You wealth, I’m buy two of each.)

From the BruceWayneX.com website: “Indulge in the purest essence of mobile artistry as we share an exquisite collection of sustainable land, air and sea vessels. Limited editions designed with the refinement of Mr. Wayne and his vision for the future of mobility on our planet.” And here’s the description of the B95 Dark Knight™ convertible: “With its ceramic-polished rims that gleam like stars against the pitch-black bodywork, and black and gold duo-tone stitching on the leather interior, the B95 Dark Knight™ is a beacon of breathtaking performance and unparalleled creativity.” They had me at “rims that gleam.”

So while we all visit BruceWayneX.com and window shop, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need a jump-start…

LUMINA / July 12, 2024 (Select theaters)

“Four friends desperately searching for their abductee friend in a DUMB (Deep Underground Military Base). After being hunted by alien menaces, tracked by the government, and chased by lights in the sky, they quickly realize that they have gotten themselves in too deep.”

They got the DUMB part right. Everything else, though, seems DULL (Disinterested Until Lots of Liquor).

GRAVEYARD SHARK / July 19, 2024 (DVD, Blu-ray, VHS)

“A humanoid creature stalks its prey in the town graveyard, striking unexpectedly and leaving a trail of blood in its wake. Abby Wescott, a renowned cryptid hunter, is called in by Dr. Jan Lovnik to uncover the truth behind the urban legend. As Abby begins her investigation, she learns about the creature’s dark origins from Captain Issac Seyburn, who was present on the night the legend began. Together, Abby and Seyburn team up with a group of Graveyard Shark survivors to put an end to the creature once and for all. But as they journey deeper into the graveyard, they realize that the Graveyard Shark may be more intelligent and cunning than they could have imagined. As the body count rises and the stakes become higher, Abby and her team must confront their deepest fears and fight to survive against the deadly Graveyard Shark.”

More intelligent and cunning than they could have imagined. I’ll say — by making people dead in a cemetery, Graveyard Shark simply eliminates the middle man. We could all learn something or two from GS’s business model.

PANDEMIC SEX PARTY / Release pending 2024/205 (VOD)

“In the not-so-distant future, AI has taken over the majority of the job market, and the primary source of income for young people is that of a social media influencer or online model. Being on the verge of another pandemic, Sasha, a young video game streamer, heads off into the desert for the weekend to make ‘content’ with her online model friends: Tanya, Cash, Dream and her younger sister, Cherry. Once arriving at the rental house dubbed, The Funny Ranch, the group slowly begins to realize things aren’t exactly as they seem. They are soon met by The Rancher, a masked killer who has a vendetta against the newly-changing world, online influencers and online models alike.”

We’re still trying to forget the word “pandemic”, so they should remove that from the title and just call the movie Sex Party. That would guarantee a slightly bigger audience.

MVW: MICKEY VS. WINNIE / Release pending 2024/2025 (VOD)

“In the 1920s, two convicts escape into a cursed forest only to be dragged and consumed into the depths of the dark forest’s muddy heart. A century later, a group of thrill-seeking friends unknowingly venture into the same woods. Their Airbnb™ getaway takes a horrifying turn when the convicts mutate into twisted versions of childhood icons Mickey Mouse and Winnie-The-Pooh, and emerge to terrorize them. A night of violence and gore erupts, as the group of friends battle against their now monstrous beloved childhood characters and fight to break free from the forest’s grip.”

Welcome to unflushed toilet of Public Domain.

Taking A Stab At Halloween, A Dose of Hell, Dueling Monsters

What’s better than watching people get knifed up the wazoo by Halloween’s horror icon Michael Myers? Reading about people getting knifed up the wazoo by Halloween’s horror icon Michael Myers. (I looked it up — wazoo is a real word…and you probably don’t wanna know what it means.) And few are better suited to the horror readable word than Printed In Blood™, who is offering Halloween: Illustrated, a 200+ page illustrated hardcover novel all about wazoo knifings. 

From the website: “Printed In Blood™ is VERY proud to present the ORIGINAL Halloween movie tie-in novelization, reprinted in full here for the first time in over 40 years! In addition, it has been fully illustrated throughout with nearly a hundred brand-new Illustrations created just for this release by the vector genius, Orlando ‘Mexifunk’ Arocena. This 224-page volume is bursting with both classic and gorgeous new artistic visions of the John Carpenter 1978 horror classic.”

So while everyone else except me looks up “wazoo” (click this) and orders the $50 Halloween: Illustrated novelization for $50.00 (click this), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as painful as being knifed up the wazoo…

CURSED / Out now (Spain), Release pending US 2024 (VOD)

“The lives of six girls are connected through a doll called Molly, whose existence dates back to 1976, when she appeared among the rubble of the great fire of the San Carlos orphanage in northern Spain.”

In 1989, piano pop personality Billy Joel had a Grammy™-awarded hit with “We Didn’t Start The Fire”, insisting that him and the band were non-culpable for a myriad of arson cases. So who, then, was behind the San Carlos great fire? Billy Joel.

HELLDOSE / Out now (VOD, DVD, Blu-ray)

“Accompany our hostess Larissa Anzoategui (the director herself) on an experience through several layers of Hell and vengeance as she serves up terrible and delicious taboo secrets from beyond the mortal realm in this dazzling anthology of erotic and comic indie horror that was partially inspired by the Cthulhu Mythos.”

Not seeing the point here as all taboo secrets are delicious. Taboos taste like potato chips. And like potato chips, you can’t have just one.

FOR SALE / May 7, 2024 (VOD)

“Mason McGinness has always been good at two things: selling himself, and finding ways to cheat people into buying when they shouldn’t. One day, his brazen swindling catches up with him and he finds himself fired from his job and kicked to the curb by his ex-girlfriend. Mason finds a small realty company that needs someone to sell a piece of property that is considered ‘unsellable’. The catch? It is the infamous Scarlett Clay House — a haunted property where anyone who inhabits it ends up dead. Now, with the help of a quirky psychic, Mason must find his humanity to get his life back…or die trying.”

Mason sounds like more like a bartender than a realtor.

WILD EYED AND WICKED / June 11, 2024 (VOD)

“In her attempt to strike back at the medieval creature that’s haunted her family for generations, Lily Pierce must reconnect with her estranged father, Gregory, a disgraced history professor, and learn how to draw upon a time of steel and blade when armor-clad knights rode out and dueled monsters to the death.”

Armor-clad knight riding out to duel monsters to the death is what I put on my job résumé — and was offered the night shift manager position at 7-Eleven™.

Ape Overlords, Killer Feet, Stray Vampires

A cool new Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes sales sheet, this one coming from Japan, no strangers to planets owned and operated by apes. In 1985, there was a Japanese Planet of the Apes rip-off called, Time of the Apes. (It was a strung-together movie made from several episodes of a Japanese TV show.) It’s since been re-titled Canines of the Caribbean. Not confusing at all.

Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes arrives everywhere May 10, 2024, even in the Caribbean. And the official plot goes something like this: “Nearly 300 years after the events of War for the Planet of the Apes, ape civilizations have emerged from the oasis to which Caesar led his fellow apes, while humans have regressed into a feral, primitive state. When the ape leader, Proximus Caesar, perverts Caesar’s teachings to enslave other clans in search for remnants of human technologies, Noa, a common chimpanzee, embarks on a harrowing journey alongside a young human named Mae to determine the future for apes and humans alike.”

Kind of redundant given the today’s humans are just one reality TV show away from regressing into a feral primitive state. So while we all start monkeying around in anticipation of Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not drive you bananas. (See what I did there?)…

STILETTO / Out now (VOD)

“A serial killer with a foot fetish stalks and kills his favorite dancers on the anniversary of the brutal murder of an exotic dancer.”

Wonder what would happen if the podophilia serial killer met Bigfoot?

BOTTING / Out now (Indonesia), Release pending US

“Siti, an innocent girl, receives a letter from a man named Jamil, whom she has never met before. In short, Siti was promised that Jamil would propose. However, the marital bliss that Siti was waiting for never came until she behaved strangely and even her parents labeled Siti as crazy due to her abnormal habits, often daydreaming, staring blankly at the beach and wearing a Bugis ‘botting’ wedding dress when entering Maghrib time. Siti’s heartache gets worse when she hears that Jamil will marry another girl named Riska. The climax, at the time of the consent, granted one of them died from stabbing. Who is the victim?”

The viewer. The viewer is the victim.

BLOODLINE KILLER / April 26, 2024 (VOD)

“Moira Cole endeavors to rebuild her shattered life after the murder of her family at the hands of her deranged and obsessed cousin.”

Ironic, as families are usually the reason behind one becoming deranged and obsessed. Take me, for instance… 

DAISY / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Felix, an Afghan war vet with a not-so sunny disposition as he now tends his late father’s auto repair shop in the small town of Cutler. Struggling daily with PTSD as the soul survivor of his squad, he finds solace in a now full grown creature he brought back from the trenches of war. Unknowingly, Felix has befriended an undiscovered humanoid with a thirst for human blood.”

That’s the problem with stray vampiric creatures. You feed it human blood once and you’ll never be able to get rid of it.

Universe of Monsters, Coach-Class Monsters, Fjord Monsters

Contrary to what you’ve been told, the Monsterverse is not the world comprised of Godzilla and Kong, which includes all manner of supporting cast Titans, but rather Universal™, creators of Dracula, Frankenstein, The Wolf Man, Creature From The Black Lagoon, The Invisible Man and The Mummy. This began in 1931 and profitably continues to this day with 40 monster movies under its money belt. And now you can watch all of ‘em for free on Universal Monsters™ channel on Pluto TV™.

Sure, you can also find the classic Universal Monster™ movies on Freevee™ and Peacock™ (last I checked, anyway). But Pluto TV™ is running Universal’s™ iconic horror mainstays, as well as B-team stuff like The Bride of Frankenstein, The Invisible Man Returns, The Mummy’s Ghost, She-Wolf of London and Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein 24 hours a day. Now you have the perfect excuse not to go to work. 

And you’re gonna need an entire pile of Universal Monsters™ official swag to enhance your TV couch lifestyle — and you can do that by visiting Universal Monsters™ retail store at Production Central™, now open at Universal CityWalk Hollywood™. As reported by Fangoria.com, “The store is divided into four distinctly themed sections, including a tomb, a Gothic cathedral, a laboratory and some totally safe and not spooky woods. The themed sections serve as photo opps for guests, and each section features a wide range of monster-themed good, including apparel, accessories, magnets, key-chains, drinkware, toys and other collectibles.” I should like to work there. Heck, I’ll pay them to hire me.

So while we all tune into Universal Monsters™ TV channel while wearing an Invisible Woman night coat and Wolf Man slippers while drinking a monstrously delicious beer from a Phantom of the Opera koozie, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth watching for free…

DIE’CED / Out now (VOD)

“A teenage girl is determined to discover what happened to her missing mom. She soon finds herself face to face with a deranged serial killer who was mistakenly released from an insane asylum on Halloween night.”

Of course, it’s on Halloween. When else are you gonna release a deranged serial killer from an insane asylum? It’s not rocket science, people.

MONSTER ON A PLANE / Release pending 2024/2025 (VOD)

“An exotic animal turns into a monster and becomes a deadly danger for all passengers.”

What kind of exotic animal are we talking about — a raccoon? A dingo? One of those Dune sand worms? They need to be a bit more clear here. Show me a story, don’t tell me a story.

KRAKEN / Release pending 2025 (Theaters, VOD)

“Johanne, a marine biologist, encounters several strange occurrences while researching a fjord, including the brutal deaths of two local teenagers.”

I sure hope those local teens weren’t killed to death brutally by that giant octopus guy on the movie poster. That’d be f’d up.

THE SIN / Release pending 2024/2025 (VOD)
“Si-yeong has been chosen to play the lead role in an experimental art film centered around her dance major. Along with her college friend Chae-yoon, they perform geometric dance routines as part of a shamanic ceremony as directed by the film’s director. However their world is turned upside down when a production team member suddenly falls from the roof — but the seemingly lifeless body begins to move and come to life.”

Dead or not — when the dance floor calls, you gotta answer.

Nightmare For Sale, Body Double Occupancy, The Fungus Among Us

Slobbering fans of A Nightmare on Elm Street, heads up — the original sales sheet art (without the movie’s logo), is as-of-this bloginizing, is up for grabs at Hake’s Auctions™. Don’t recognize it? That’s because the final — and iconically recognized version — was designed by Matt Peak. But even before the movie was ever made, graffiti artist Duncan Eagleson was commissioned by film director Wes Craven and New Line Cinemas in 1983 to design this pitch poster. (Duncan, whose punk rock last name should’ve been Donuts), went on to illustrate Vertigo’s™ comic flagship titles: Shade, The Changing Man and Sandman. Decent creds. 

Here’s what else you need to know: “While not used for the final US movie poster, Eagleson’s art was used in various newspaper ad campaigns before completion of the final poster design. It was also published as movie posters in France, Yugoslavia and Germany (albeit with the art flipped) and was even used for the 20th Anniversary release poster, in which a shadowed silhouette of Freddy Krueger was added at bottom center. The claw portion of Eagleson’s art was also utilized separately on lobby cards, stills, other foreign posters and on the German press-kit.”

On that note, Macy’s™, famed department mega-store, STOLE Duncan’s Freddy blades and made ‘em into a shirt. True fans will red flag the three blades, whereas the final Nightmare posters shows Freddy’s trademark four. Choke on your bootlegged shirts, over-priced Macy’s™. 

Getting that off my chest, from Hake’s Auctions™ bidding pitch: “This huge 27 x 40″ one-sheet poster size illustration board has image area measuring 25.5” x 38.5”. Acrylic original art w/airbrushing elements depicts peaceful dusk scene on suburban street. All appears calm, but a glance at the approaching night sky reveals three large, curved metal claws slashing the sky, leaving ragged tears in their wake. Eagleson has signed his initials and added “83” date at lower left.” Before you click here to make a bid, be prepared to bid farewell to your money: as of today (March 3, 2024), the current bid is $6,000. That’s a nightmare for your wallet. P.S. The auction ends on March 30, 2024 at midnight. Ask your mom if it’d be okay to stay up that late. 

So while we all reevaluate the definition of disposable income, here’s a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be bootlegged by Macy’s™…

SMART HOUSE / Out now (VOD)

“An online influencer is trapped in a smart home by a sinister hacker and forced to start a strange live stream while her family and friends fight to get her free.”

Could they at least wait ‘til after the live stream? Some of us wanna see how badly this girl soils herself.

APHASIA / Out now (VOD)

“Following a failed suicide attempt, Sarah watches herself leave her body and become an empty vessel for anything to crawl in. When she re-enters her body she learns she isn’t alone.”

I call that a typical Friday night at the Tug Tavern. Mostly because of the $1.50 all-you-can-stand tacos that always seem to crawl in — and imminently crawl out. More oozing than crawling, though.

HUNTING FOR THE HAG / April 2, 2024 (VOD)

“Three women venture deep into the Illinois woods to hunt for a legendary creature known as The Hawthorne Hag. As the girls attempt to capture it on camera for the first time, things take a frightening and horrific turn.”

The Hawthorne Hag is a regular at the Tug Tavern (on half-price Hag night) and West Seattle Bowl (on Hags-bowl-free night). HH seems nice.

COLD STORAGE / September 5, 2024 (VOD)

“A fungus stored in a government facility gets out and wreaks havoc on the world.”

Not to be confused with the 2006 movie with the exact same name. As for the fungus, they need to be more specific. As of 2024 there are an estimated 2.2 million to 3.8 million species in the fungus kingdom. Fungus Kingdom would be a way cooler name than Cold Storage. And it accurately describes my bathroom and refrigerator. Mostly bathroom. I once attempted to disinfect it, but it appears the inmates are now running the prison.

Killer Cologne, Giant Rabbit, Zombie Pirates

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!, horror parody about a group of scientists who pool their brains to save the world from mutated killer tomatoes, came out in 1978. Critical reception of the cult movie was mostly negative, which was another way of saying Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! stinks. Now, 46 years later, this is a proven fact with the release of Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!: The Fragrance.

Created by Xyrena™, makers of nostalgia-inspired fragrances, candles and air fresheners, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!: The Fragrance they say is now available as a unisex extrait de parfum and comes housed in a collectible VHS-style clamshell case with two different cover art editions to choose from: the original 1978 theatrical movie poster or 1995 Director’s Cut VHS; each with a coordinating bottle design. The fragrance is also available as a soy blend candle in a tomato red tin with a VHS-inspired label. The fragrance will be released as an air freshener in late March, with variants for the other films in the franchise, including Return of the Killer Tomatoes (1988), famously one of George Clooney’s first roles.”

So what does Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!: The Fragrance smell like? According to the product description it’s a “garden-fresh fragrance that opens with a citrusy top note of sweet tangerine, transitioning seamlessly into vegetal mid notes of green stems, (killer) tomato leaf, and freshly cut grass. The filmic fragrance comes to a dramatic climax with an earthy base of wild fern, wet soil, genuine Indonesian patchouli, and South African Buchu.” If, for some abstract reason you wanna waste $98 and end up smelling like all of the above, (looking in your direction, hippies, click this to buy it.

So while we all tempt fate by scoring some of this pungent perfume, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not appeal to hippies…

EASTER EVIL / Out now (DVD)

“In Las Vegas, a go-go dancer and a call girl are terrorized by a giant evil rabbit.”

In Vegas, this isn’t considered a horror movie.

THE MUMMY MURDERS / Out now (Tubi™, YouTube™, VOD)

A lot of people have recently gone missing in Alexis’ hometown of San Antonio, Texas. Alexis is a top reporter for the local news station, and there have been rumors that a serial killer is responsible for those missing.”

This movie is so predictable, you can watch the trailer and figure out the entire thing in two minutes, of which you’ll never get back.

THE LEGEND OF LAKE HOLLOW / MARCH 26, 2024

“A group of friends goes to a remote cabin by a lake to rest and relax when unexplained things start to happen. Cameras flash in the night as something sinister stalks them and strange people appear and mysteriously vanish without a trace. As they start to doubt who they can trust among them, the creature behind these occurrences will reveal itself and is more terrifying than they can imagine.”

Just so you know, the creature isn’t a Plesiosaur stuck in the lake since Triassic summer camp. That means it could be either a poisonous squirrel or a gangsta raccoon. I’m pretty sure I’m in the zip code on this.

SHIP OF THE DAMNED / April 1, 2024 (VOD)

“After an abandoned 500-year-old ship appears off the coast of a small town, historian Elena and the local coastguard go to investigate. Shockingly, they discover that the ship is far from abandoned and its cursed cruel cutthroat undead crew have horrific and painful plans for their visitors.”

Pirate zombies. Does that mean they eat treasure instead of brains? If so, you’d do well to walk behind them with a Pooper Scooper™.