Corpse Cuddling, Witch Hook-up, Sharks On Acid

There were two outstanding achievements in the field of zombies in George A. Romero’s Day of the Dead (1985): Dr. Tongue, who had half his lower faced chewed off, leaving his barely attached tongue flapping like a chunk of roast beef in the wind, and Bub, an iconic semi-housebroken zombie with a gun. Now you can get both as stuffed plushies from Toynk.com™ for the post-apocalyptic sale price of $35.99 each.

From Toynk’s™ website: “There’s never been a zombie quite like Bub, domesticated here just like his on-screen counterpart. The reanimated soldier who kept following orders even after death has risen again in this plush version of the flesh-eating music lover. Undead but still huggable, your affection for this Bub character plushie will be undying. This faithful zombie friend measures approximately 14 inches, from combat boots to hair. This stuffed corpse is ready to give you a cuddle you’ll never forget.”

Now THAT’S a sales pitch. So while we contemplate cuddling a stuffed corpse, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your tongue flap like a chunk of roast beef in the wind…

AFTER / Out now (Tubi™, Googleplay™, Vudu™)

“Two bus crash survivors wake from a coma to discover they are the only inhabitants of a small town slowly being consumed by a monster storm. Are they dead or is it a nightmare? As they attempt to find a way out, they soon learn that they are not alone. Inside the mist is a creature hell bent on preventing their escape.”

A creature in the mist? Where have I heard that before? Oh, yeah — 2007.

NECRONOMICON / Out now (Vimeo OnDemand™)

“The Necronomicon is used to lure victims to their death and capture their souls. One such person is the comic book writer George Carney who thinks his visit to New Orleans is to research a new book. In fact, he his there to impregnate the witch, Zilia before she sucks the very soul from his body so his child can be brought back as the reincarnation of Aleister Crowley himself.”

A Tinder™ date with a witch. That’s a new one.

BIRD BOX BARCELONA / July 14, 2023 (Netflix™)

“After a mysterious force decimates the world’s population by causing all who see it to take their lives, Sebastian and his young daughter Anna must navigate their own journey of survival through the desolate streets of Barcelona. But as they form an uneasy alliance with other survivors and make their way toward a safe haven, a threat more sinister than the unseen creatures grows.”

This one takes place during the same timeline as its predecessor, so it’s not a sequel or a prequel. In that one in the post-apocalyptic world, and a mom tells her two young kids that they’re gonna down a river in a rowboat. She sternly instructs them not to remove their blindfolds, or they will die. Sounds like Speed Dating Night at the Tug Tavern.

NARCO SHARK / Pending crowdfunding 2023 (VOD)

“Narco Shark, aka The Greatest Action Film NEVER Made, is a feature length movie inspired by low-budget ’80s action films like Miami Connection and Samurai Cop, with a heavy dose of David Lynch’s surrealism and Lucio Fulci’s dream logic. It is also heavily influenced by the Sharksploitation and Mexploitation genres and will feature a SOV (Shot on Video) aesthetic prevalent on low budget 80’s horror.”

They should get Narco Shark to go after Cocaine Bear.

Space Evil, Criminal Curse, Death Hotel

Movie sequels can be awesome (Aliens/1986) or awesomely bad (Wonder Woman 1984/2020). But Movies Go Fourth by author Mark Edlitz (paperback, released May 2023) puts the fourth installments in franchises on the plate, scrutinizing such debatable gems as Jaws: The Revenge (1987), Conquest for the Planet of the Apes (1972), Alien: Resurrection (1997) and Terminator: Salvation (2009). (What — no Fisting Firemen IV?)

Mind you, sequels are continuations of an over-milked story line, where as franchises act as an umbrella for everything in their multiverse. Examples: Marvel has 32 movies with overlapping superheroes stepping on each other’s capes. Batman has 17. Godzilla has 36. And Mickey Mouse has 130. That’s a lotta cheese.

From the book’s press release: “Movies Go Fourth is a celebration of the fourth movies in the most popular film franchises of all time. It offers behind-the-scenes stories of fourth films from such beloved series as Star Wars, Star Trek, and James Bond. It also explores infamous fourth films, including Jaws: The Revenge, Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, and Batman & Robin. This riveting book reveals the inside scoop on some of the biggest films in horror (Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street), sci-fi (Highlander, Terminator, Planet of the Apes), action (James Bond, Die Hard, Rambo) and comedy (Police Academy, Home Alone). Author Mark Edlitz also examines notable unmade fourth films, such as Francis Ford Coppola’s The Godfather: Part IV and Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man 4.”

While Movies Go Fourth (buy it here) is a tantalizing idea, there are no pictures in the $24.99 paperback. That’s like having a Salisbury steak TV dinner without a side of tongue-scorching potato-esque mush and artificial butter topping. So while you ponder the metaphor, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not taste as oddly delicious as potato mush…

SPACE NECRONOMICON / Out now (Blu-ray, DVD)

“A girl controlled by a mysterious woman and caged between visions, vampires and morbid rituals. What happened in space? Why is she the chosen one?”

As sorta cool as this sounds, it’s an art film. This means too much thinking and not enough drinking. P.S. They stole the kicker line from Alien (1979). Sci-fi never forgets, b*tches!

THE GATES / June 27, 2023 (VOD/DVD)

“A serial killer has been sentenced to death by electric chair in London in the 1890s, but in his final hours, he puts a curse on the prison he is in, and all of those in it.”

I liked this better when it was called Shocker (1989).

OBSCURA / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A CIA special operations team out on demolition maneuvers collides with an outlaw biker gang. The groups are forced to fight for survival against a creature of unknown origins.”

Not sure how they’re gonna get outlaw bikers to fight. Heck, you can often hear them singing, “Born To Be Mild.”

STREAM / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When Roy and Elaine Keenan realize their family is drifting apart, they decide that something needs to be done. Roy forces his work to take a back seat and they seize the opportunity to recreate a vacation from their past. A peaceful stay in a quaint hotel is just what they need, however that is not what is in store for them. With four deranged murderers patrolling the seemingly mundane halls, the odds are definitely not in the Keenan family’s favor. Roy must fight for his life and those of his family as their simple weekend getaway truly turns into a vacation to die for.”

If deranged murderers are patrolling the halls, this means the hotel is…my apartment building. Somewhat clean, but the rent is killer.

Teeth With Bite, Doctor Vampire, Sharp-Dressed Werewolf

One of the more unsettling features of Pennywise the Dancing Clown in the 2017 billion dollar hit horror movie IT —besides his remarkably groomed Sideshow Bob hair style, is his pre-eat-your-face-off teeth. Looking like he hasn’t sat in a dentist chair in decades, the wood-chipper choppers look like he could out bite a shark. And now you can have the same bladder-loosening bridgework with the It Pennywise Fang Teeth — for only $24.99. (Check to see if your dental insurance will cover it.)

Available on the OrientalTrading.com website, the monster molars are described like this: “Amazing IT Pennywise Fang Teeth come with upper and lower teeth and are made from soft flexible plastic. Includes: upper and lower teeth and are made from soft flexible plastic. Each set of teeth are meticulously painted to show all the horrible monstrous detail seen on the screen. Applying the teeth is easy, thanks to our Friendly Plastic Pellets that come with each set of teeth. Simply heat up the Friendly Plastic in hot water, position the Friendly Plastic into the teeth and fit them over your own teeth, making a custom fit. One size fits most adults.” There are so many disturbing things about that product description, I don’t know where to begin. Regardless, you can buy it here.

So while we buy a set and go around saying “cheese!” to everyone on the bus, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have any teeth. P.S. be true to your teeth — or they will be false to you…

MOTION DETECTED / May 19, 2023 (VOD)

“Eva narrowly escaped being murdered during a recent terrifying home invasion in Mexico City. She and her husband decide to relocate to Los Angeles where she can recuperate. But when her husband has to travel for business, she’s left alone in an unfamiliar place and suffering from paranoia. She’s consoled by the smart home security system, but the technology is difficult to master and she starts to wonder if it will actually keep her safe or take over her life.”

Smart Home tech is gonna be the death of us all. My Roomba™ keeps sucking up my car keys — on purpose. He hates me, I just know it.

FANGS OUT / May 23 (VOD)

“A group of college students head to Mexico for some cheap plastic surgery. There they meet Doctor Pavor, a creepy surgeon who is actually a vampire, harvesting victims for his blood cartel. Aided by his bloodthirsty nurses he systematically carries out his evil plan. When a detective looking for his missing daughter arrives, all hell breaks loose in a bloody combustible conclusion.”

College idiots trying to score cheap plastic surgery? The vampires are the least of their problems.

BONE COLD / June 13, 2023 (VOD, Blu-ray)

“After bad intel from headquarters results in a tragic civilian death, an elite sniper duo attempts to flee the area but can’t seem to shake a mysterious, inhuman creature stalking them from the shadows.

Judging from the art, it looks like these snipers are out in the snow, which means the inhuman creature stalking them is a trendy hipster wearing an L.L. Bean Norseland Insulated Parka™ (on sale for under $200).

SCREAM OF THE WOLF / June 13, 2023 (VOD)

“Making a vampire movie in an old, abandoned house should have been easy, but with the full moon, the nightmare begins. The body count rises as the cast and crew encounter the mansion’s resident werewolf and by daylight only the lucky will survive.”

Scream of the Wolf is also the name of the 1974 made-for-TV “movie”, wherein the werewolf, in human form, wears a green corduroy jacket with a pleated white turtle neck sweater. Stylish in any decade. P.S. This was originally titled, Wolf Manor, which I previewed in November of 2022. At least I think I did — I can’t remember last year…or what I drank for breakfast, for that matter.

May The Speed Force Be With You, People Plants, Cutting Out Social Media

The buzz is buzzing about The Flash upcoming movie (June 23, 2023), with the trailers revealing two Flashes, two Batmans, Supergirl, and General Zod, though he died in Man of Steel (2013). Hey, movies can do whatever they want with our minds. And with that comes more character posters, these three new ones being Flash, Supergirl and Batman. (My character poster was cut as I’m not in the film, apparently.)

So here’s the official plot, though it wasn’t that difficult to piece it together after watching the trailers: “Barry Allen uses his super speed to change the past, but his attempt to save his family creates a world without super heroes, forcing him to race for his life in order to save the future.” 

So while we debate whether or not having me in The Flash has any added marquee value, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/film shorts that may or may not give you the…runs. P.S. The Flash stole Metallica’s logo. Just sayin’.

YOUR HOUSEPLANTS ARE SCREAMING / Out now (VOD)

“Human houseplants are held captive by a giant plant creature. Confined to their pots, the houseplants struggle to comprehend the horror of being shelf ornaments in a grotesque hell house made of flesh, meat, muscle and bone.”

Human houseplants. I can only imagine what is being used as fertilizer.

KILLER KITES / May 26, 2023 (VOD)

“When Abby’s grandma dies, the only thing she inherits is a stupid kite. After giving it to her brother, he is mysteriously killed and the kite disappears. While searching for the truth, Abby is tangled in a strange supernatural plot, where this killer kite continues to kill. Now, Abby must string together a way to stop the kite before it blows us all away. Kites may not be the scariest monster ever, but they’re up there.”

I heard this was made on a kite string budget.

#CHADGETSTHEAXE / Fall 2023 (VOD)

“Four social media influencers live stream their trip to Devil’s Manor, former home to a satanic cult.”

The only thing worse than social media horror movies is watching ‘em.

THE MOUNT 2 / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A year after the incident at the Mount, the police are still investigating the murders of Philomena and Caroline. The Mount has been cordoned off by the police. However, on Halloween night, a group of teenagers break in. They plan on holding a wedding between friends, conducted by a rather odd character. Little did they know some unexpected guests would show up to crash the party.

Don’t look at me like that — I heard there’s an open bar.

Monster Trucks, AI Love Dolls, Mexican Sharks

Rockers and horror fans rejoice —1986’s Maximum Overdrive is getting the Blu-ray SteelBook DVD makeover by Lionsgate’s Vestron Video Collector’s Series™ and being released with a ton of extras on May 30, 2023 for $19.96 as a Walmart™ exclusive (preorder it here). Hold it Maybelle, don’t set the table — what does this have to do with rock and horror? Zip your rock hole and I’ll tell you.

1. Maximum Overdrive was based on Stephen King’s short story, “Trucks”, from his Night Shift collection, which was published in 1978, the same year as Van Halen’s debut album. 2. The movie’s screenplay was not only written by Stephen King, he directed it as well, his first time doing that. 3. Maximum Overdrive’s soundtrack is entirely made up of AC/DC songs.

So MO’s Blu-ray SteelBook — a sort of lunchbox for DVDs — has new audio commentary, featurettes, interviews with the actors, behind the scenes stuff, and the making of the Happy Toyz Goblin fixed to the front of a sentient, killing diesel truck. (They can call it the Happy Toyz Goblin but we all know it’s Spider-Man’s arch nemesis, the Green Goblin. In your face, Happy Toyz.) 

From the Lionsgate press release: “Get ready for the ultimate battle of man vs. bloodthirsty machine in this terrifying Stephen King classic! For three horrifying days, the Earth passes through the tail of a mysterious comet. The skies glow an eerie green as humanity waits to see what the fallout will be. But what they imagine is nothing like the nightmare they find — the comet’s magnetic fields cause all the machines on Earth to suddenly come to life and terrorize their human creators in a horrific killing spree. Now, it’s up to a small group of people trapped in a desolate truck stop to defeat the killer machines — or be killed by them!”

Machines coming to life and killing humans. Just a reminder — this was 21 years before 2007’s Transformers, with autobot machines doing the same thing. (They even had goofy heavy metal band member names: Optimus Prime, Ironhide, Jazz, Prowl, Arcee, Ratchet, Wheeljack, Bumblebee, Megatron, Starscream, Soundwave, Ravage, Laserbeak, Rumble, Skywarp and Shockwave. Somewhere Gwar laughs into the night.)

So while we all crank up some AC/DC and taunt our kitchen appliances, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your toaster go postal…

ENYS MEN / March 31, 2023 (Limited Theaters, VOD pending)

“Set in 1973 on an uninhabited island off the British coast, a wildlife volunteer descends into a terrifying metaphysical and ecosophical journey that challenges her grip on reality and pushes her into a living nightmare.”

Sounds intriguing, but they’re not selling me with the movie’s off-putting title. How about Mind Island Destructo or Isle of Die Kill Bleed or Apprehension Archipelago? Now there’s some juice.

SIMULANT / April 7, 2023 (Theaters), May 5, 2023 (VOD)

“Faye attempts to replace her newly deceased husband, Evan, with an android simulant (SIM). Although SIM Evan appears like human Evan in every way, Faye does not feel the same love for SIM Evan as it does for her. SIM Evan tries to win Faye back while at the same time being on-the-run from a government agent chasing down SIMs who have become ‘conscious’ and could potentially be a threat to humankind.”

Android simulant, my motherboard — she created an A.I. love doll for horizontal dating purposes.

THE BLACK DEMON April 28, 2023 (Theaters)

“When oilman Paul Sturges takes his family to Bahia Negra, the crown jewel of Baja and the site of Paul’s best-performing rig, the vibrant Mexican coastal town he once knew has mysteriously crumbled. In the decrepit ghost town, the last inhabitants tell Paul the offshore platform has awoken ‘El Demonio.’ Scared to be left alone, the family follows Paul out to the platform and just after they get on, the man and boat that risked bringing them is ferociously attacked by a massive black shark. This shark is unlike any other creature; a shark of legend, known as The Black Demon. It has laid claim to the local waters aggressively protecting mother nature against human threats. It kills everything and repeatedly charges the oil rig itself, threatening to destroy it. Paul and his family are stranded with the few men who have survived and now discover explosive charges have been set on the legs of the platform. Under constant attack by the giant monster and with the time literally ticking away, Paul must find a way to somehow get his family back to shore alive.”

If you’ve seen the trailer for The Black Demon (YouTube™), the shark on the movie’s ad sheet is ratio-sized correctly. And for all involved, oil in the water is the least of pollutants that’ll happen if they encounter you-know-who.

THE WOODMEN / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Three individuals who find themselves in a fight for their lives as they attempt to escape from a clan of feral humans that call the Smoky Mountains home. Together, they battle the cunning and elusive adversary that wants nothing more than to protect their land with deadly and savage force.”

Feral humans = hippies. Elusive adversaries protecting their land = hippies squatters.

Artful Evil, Hell University, Inheriting a Monster

Fans of The Evil Dead franchise will simply soil themselves over this soil-inducing Evil Dead II poster, designed by UK artist, James Bousema. It makes you wanna buy a chainsaw and go swimming in blood.

And hey — you can buy it! Here are the details: “Limited to 175 prints, 24” x 36” inches (approx 61 x 91 cm), and hand-numbered lithograph on 300gsm GF Smith Accent uncoated paper. The poster sells for $49.00.” Totally affordable, though I have no idea what 300gsm GF Smith Accent means. Probably a British thing.

Evil Dead II (aka, Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn) came out in 1987 and is considered both a remake and a sequel of 1981’s The Evil Dead, wherein five friends travel to a cabin in the woods where they unknowingly release flesh-possessing demons. What else are they gonna do? Smoke illegal drugs and drink beer and throw the empties in the bushes? Kids back then were so reckless. And poorly dressed.

So while we weigh the pros and cons of buying the poster (click this) or go shopping for a chainsaw (click this), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be swimming in blood…

SUMMONING SYLVIA / March 31, 2023 (Limited) April 7, 2023 (VOD)

“A gay bachelor party that takes a spooky turn when sinister spirits are suddenly summoned. The warm and whimsical Larry has been kidnapped by his three best friends for a bachelor weekend getaway at a haunted house. As they sashay through the Victorian corridors, the comrades recount the house’s legend from a hundred years ago: a murderous woman named Sylvia slaughtered her son and buried him beneath the floorboards. All seems fine and spooky until Larry’s ultra-straight brother-in-law crashes the proceedings.”

If you bury anybody under the floorboards, you’re gonna go through a LOT of Frebreze™.

YOU’RE KILLING ME / April 7, 2023 (VOD)

“Eden goes to a coveted Heaven and Hell party, hoping to get a letter of recommendation to an elite university from the wealthy parents of her classmate, but the party quickly turns into a fight for her life.”

Wonder what kinds of snacks would be at a Heaven and Hell party? Angel food cake and Deviled eggs, I would imagine. I could go for both.

THE TANK / April 21, 2023 (Limited) April 25, 2023 (VOD)

“After mysteriously inheriting an abandoned coastal property, Ben and his family accidentally unleash an ancient, long-dormant creature that terrorized the entire region — including his own ancestors — for generations.”

Inheriting a free coastal property AND a long dormant creature? Score!

THE ELDERLY / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“Rosa commits suicide, which is the catalyst for the progressive physical and mental deterioration of Manuel, her elderly husband. Mario, his son, decides to bring him to live with his family, despite the fierce opposition of his new wife, who’s expecting a baby. Naia, his teenage granddaughter, is the only one who trusts Manuel, whose dementia is getting worse and worse by the day. The family’s new living situation will continue to go rapidly downhill, until it literally becomes a matter of life and death, leading to a dramatic denouement, which will take place on the hottest night of the century.

Sounds like a sitcom: Father Doesn’t Know Best.

Butcher Burger, Hosiery Horror, Frog God

Paramount Pictures™ and Spyglass Media Group™ are pulling out all marketing stops to promote Scream VI (releasing March 10, 2023), the latest in the horror franchise that started in 1996, and unlike the knife-wielding Ghostface’s victims, just won’t die. (Refresher course: Scream is a slasher franchise that includes six films, a television series, merchandise, and games. The film series has grossed over $740 million in worldwide.)

So what Paramount™ and Spyglass™ did was team up with Chain Restaurant™, a fast food, uh, chain, to offer the Stabby Meal, a slasher twist on McDonald’s Happy Meal™. And it’s available now (for a limited time) in West Hollywood and other participating Chain™ eateries. 

So what is in the Stabby Meal? From Thrillist: “The Extremely Medium Sized Bone Marrow ChainBurger comes as a half-pound bone marrow beef patty topped with American cheese, pickles, onions, ketchup, mustard, and Chain’s™ umami seasoning blend all on a poppy seed bun. The Throwback Fries are simple, classic fries done right. And then Woodsboro Orchards Warm Apple Pie is, of course, a take on McDonald’s Baked Apple Pie™, a hand-held cylinder of hot apples and cinnamon. And yes, Stabby Meal toys are even included in the mix. Several Scream VI pins are available inside the Stabby Meal boxes, which are sure to become hot collector’s items among fans.”

So while test the limits of our gastronomical tract and try one of these Stabby Meals, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not give you crippling indigestion…

FROM BLACK / April 14, 2023 (Shudder™)

“A young mother, crushed by guilt after the disappearance of her young son five years previously, is presented with a bizarre offer to learn the truth and set things right. But how far is she willing to go, and is she willing to pay the terrifying price for a chance to hold her boy again?”

Why put yourself through all that? Just go buy a new kid, preferably one with a return policy.

THE BLACKENING / June 16, 2023 (Theaters, VOD)

“A group of Black friends reunite for a Juneteenth weekend getaway only to find themselves trapped in a remote cabin with a twisted killer. Forced to play by his rules, the friends soon realize this ain’t no motherf****** game.”

There’s no call for those kind of asterisks. This is a family blog, dang it. Darn you…darn you all to heck.

CRUST / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Vegas Winters, a lonely laundromat owner, keeps the leftover socks from customers and uses them to clean himself. When he gets abused and weeps into the pile of socks, it turns into a creature who seeks revenge on Vegas’ enemies.”

Props for coming up with a plot so…different…no one will want to copy it. Ever.

THE GOD OF FROGS / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Deep in the heart of the jungle exists an elemental creature with an eternal hunger, and every 25 years, it emerges: a woman is eaten alive in 1969, a film crew goes missing in 1994, a politician explodes live on television in 2019, and a multinational corporation goes up in flames in 2044. Terror ensues in this ecological horror film.”

Sounds like the hip hop version of Jeepers Creepers (2001).

Heavy Metal Superhero, Sideshow Slaughter, Poltergeist Motel

In Dark Nights: Death Metal five-year graphic novel story arc, Wonder Woman zooms off to New Apokolips to rescue Superman from the Darkfather’s torture machine. (That guy is so mean.) But while there, the Darkseid-infected Supe grew long hair (not quite to space hippie length) and achieved lightning fast fingers that would please not only Wonder Woman but fans of thrash metal guitar solos as well. Now you can get an actual figurine of this Death Metal Superman, which comes with two faces: “smooth jazz” and “I’ll Kill Youuuuuu!”

From ShiokToys.com website: “Prime 1 Studio is extremely proud and stoked to present yet another head-banging piece, joining our Museum Masterline, the 1:3 Scale Death Metal Superman Deluxe Version from Dark Nights: Death Metal. The Death Metal Superman Deluxe Version comes with two (2) additional heads bearing different expressions as well as two (2) display headstands so that you can choose to display your Death Metal Superman with the most metal look possible, whether you want him with an angry look or a stern look, screaming or teeth clenching, this Deluxe Version has got you covered!”

Death Metal Superman’s expected release date is the second quarter of 2024, but you can pre-order it here. That’s the good news. The price, set in Malaysian currency, is MYR7,646.00. The conversion to US smackos brings it to…$1,764.80! That’ll put your wallet in a torture machine. 

So while we see if Bruce Wayne will spot us the fun coupons to get one these things, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not have death metal OR space hippies in ’em…

THE UNHEARD / March 31, 2023 (Shudder™)

“After undergoing an experimental procedure to restore her damaged hearing, 20-year-old Chloe Grayden begins to suffer from auditory hallucinations seemingly related to the mysterious disappearance of her mother.”

Her damaged hearing can be blamed on listening to Motörhead. Her auditory hallucinations can also be blamed on…you guessed it — Motörhead.

WHERE THE DEVIL ROAMS / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“Set during Depression-era America, the film follows a family of murderous sideshow performers as they travel the dying carnival circuit.”

The reason the carnival circuit is dying is because of the murderous sideshow performers. Just pointing out the obvious, here.

DADDY’S HEAD / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A boy and his recently widowed step mother find themselves in fear for their lives after they are visited by a disturbing creature that appears as a grotesque and horrifying version of the boy’s recently deceased father.”

If that happened to me, mom would need to buy me new pajamas.

BOOGEYMAN: REINCARNATION / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“It’s Halloween. Jenny is babysitting a little boy at the hotel where the boy’s parents are staying. A group of friends decide to take advantage of the situation and see the opportunity to celebrate a party at the hotel. Jenny agrees. But then they are terrorized by a ghost.”

Ghosts on a budget usually terrorize motels. Ghosts with disposable income always go for hotels. That’s how you can tell ghosts from each other. That’s the way I do it, anyway.

Sparse Horror, Demonic To-Do List, Evil Heaven

Minimalist horror/sci-fi movie posters say a lot with just images and not fancy logos to tell you what movie its representing. Kinda like flipping someone the middle finger without the need to say what the finger means in language befitting a merchant marine or a third-grader.

Here are some excellent examples of minimalist horror movie art, the first one being just a typewriter and a bloody hatchet, elegantly portraying the key components of The Shining (1980). An argument could be made for using the movie’s iconic snow maze with Lloyd the ghost bartender at the center of it. But hey, a typewriter and axe works.

Take a look at the other minimal horror art and see if you can tell what movie it represents. If you guess correctly, you win a cookie or something. And while you’re doing that, here are a few out now/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not deserve a middle finger…

DEMONIC ALIENS: UFOs FROM INNER SPACE / Out now (VOD)

“Are what we call ‘Aliens’ actually demonic forces and using the phenomenon to further their agenda on Earth? With negative effects on many experiencers, from burns to psychological damage, it would seem there are nefarious forces at work here on Earth that may not be from outer space. The bible speaks of entities upon the Earth before man as well as ten dimensions that science and academia have long lost interest in exploring. Perhaps now is the time to go back to the ancient texts to gain insight into this ever expanding phenomenon.”

Other than registering as being Republican, what other agenda could demonic forces possibly have?

BLACK LAKE DIRECTOR’S CUT / FEBRUARY 27, 2023 (VOD)

“Aarya leaves her family in the city to pursue her passion for the arts. She is gifted a red scarf and is haunted by a Churail, a demonic and malevolent South Asian witch.”

This one came out in 2020, but now gets a sweet upgrade with lots of extras. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say they added more demonic and malevolent stuff. Hope it doesn’t offend my spiritual beliefs. Just kidding — I don’t have any of those.

NEW WORLD ORDER: DARK PRINCE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When God takes on the form of a man, a grief-stricken sergeant must battle his internal demons to defeat an evil empire.”

The evil empire being Heaven, of course.

DIRTY JERSEY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Three friends go for an off-roading adventure in the Pine Barrens, but their friendship is torn to pieces, along with them.”

You’d think it was the Jersey Devil making bodily harm happen, but I watched the trailer and the creature looks like an adult sized rabbit wearing pants. And not nice pants, either.

Enchanting Garb, Fruit Cult, Alien Parents

A fairy/faerie in literature, art, European folklore culture and slasher grindhouse horror movies is defined as being a type of mythical being or legendary creature and a form of spirit, often described as being metaphysical, supernatural, or preternatural — with or without a butcher knife and/or chainsaw.

Not surprisingly, many women want to be fairies, a fantasy that started with Disney’s™ Tinker Bell and the Nutcracker’s Sugar Plumb Fairy (who sounds like a drug dealer). This fantasia annually fuels the sale of countless fairy costumes every Halloween. But while most of us are content to augment our wardrobe from Spirit Halloween™, one should look to Pinterest™ for fairy fashion options. 

These exotic and otherworldly gowns (or “dresses”) — suitable for cosplay or fantasy horror movies — can fetch thousands for an ensemble that probably shouldn’t be cleaned in a coin-fed washing machine. Also, you’d have to sell a lot of teeth to the Tooth Fairy to afford one.

So while we drink absinthe (fun fact: “The Green Fairy” is the nickname for absinthe) and fantasize about wearing one of these dresses to a bachelorette party and/or doing some light grocery shopping, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not tinker your bell…

WAKING KARMA / January 26, 2023 (VOD)

“Karma and her mother have spent their lives evading Paul, her cult leader father. With Paul closing in as Karma reaches adulthood, she and her mother flee to a friend’s remote compound. Paul tracks them there and traps them within its walls, putting Karma through a series of escalating tests designed to break her spirit and awaken an unholy inheritance that lives within her.”

So if she misbehaves, do we call her…“Bad Karma”? Heh.

SEEDS / January 31, 2023 (VOD)

Grieving mother Macha must track down her husband Andrew, a university professor who has been invited to a remote area of New England to take part in mysterious cult’s ritual in order to receive an inheritance from his uncle. The cult that worships the mystical and ancient power of the apple has also been infiltrated by the Catholic Church under the command of the very ambitious Cardinal Sinibaldi.”

An apple a day keeps organized religion away.

ONYX THE FORTUITOUS AND THE TALISMAN OF SOULS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Amateur occultist Marcus J. Trillbury — aka Onyx the Fortuitous — is struggling. He’s misunderstood at home and work, but his dreams for a new life seem to be answered when he lands a coveted invitation to the mansion of his idol Bartok the Great for a ritual to raise the spirit of an ancient demon. He excitedly joins Bartok and his fellow eclectic group of devotees as they prepare for the ceremony, but pretty quickly it becomes apparent everything is not as it seems. As Onyx and his new friends fight to keep their souls, he must decide what he’s willing to truly sacrifice in order to meet his destiny.”

Marcus should worry more about getting beat up for having a dumb name than conjuring ancient demons.

ALIENS ABDUCTED MY PARENTS AND NOW I FEEL KINDA LEFT OUT / Release pending 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“Itsy is new in town and her life seems over until she meets her space-obsessed neighbor Calvin, who believes his parents were abducted by aliens. An aspiring journalist, Itsy decides to write an exposé on Calvin but ends up discovering much more.”

Hey kid — your folks weren’t abducted. They abandoned you. Bet you’re feeling really left out now.