Archive for creature

Texas Tea Terror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 8, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Damned Thing

As a kid living in a small Texas town, Kevin Reddle one day saw his dad suddenly snap, take a shotgun and aerate mom’s gut, and chase him out into the lightning-filled night with the intention of getting in some more target practice. But the “damn thing” got to him first, sucking him down into the ground in an oily quicksand.

The Damned Thing

Twenty years later, Kevin is the town sheriff, and he still lives in the “house that dad shot up.” This caused his hot wife and young son to move out as Kev can’t seem to get that horrible night out of his mind, even going so far as to outfit his place with a video camera surveillance system. He’s still on good terms with the wife, but she won’t move back in until all the cameras go. He’ll need ’em — there’s something causing the town’s people to freak out and kill themselves — and not in a good way. One guy turns a hammer onto his own face, thinking his nose was a nail. The local priest is gettin’ all sermon-y and self-righteous-y and seems to sense Hell is coming. (Don’t they all?)

The Damned ThingSheriff Reddle finds his father’s locked box and, after many drinks of refreshing whiskey, decides to open it. He finds newspaper clippings telling about how oil was found in Sturgis, a neighboring town back in the day. Shortly after liberating that slick Texas Tea, people starting going crazy and killing each other. Turns out his grandfather was one of those oil guys. The same thing happened to his dad’s dad, with the mind suddenly getting mad to the point of mindless mass murder. And that damn thing has come back.

The Damned ThingThe town goes bonkers. Meanwhile, Reddle’s wife and kid are under attack by some unseen force that’s shaking their trailer home around like Jiffy-Pop™. The sky is cracking in half with non-stop lightning. Taking them back to the house, the damn thing finds Reddle…and now he really wants to shoot his wife and kid, probably in the face or some other part of the head.

The Damned Thing

With gunshots and thunder and something shrieking and shaking up his house, he tries to get to his family for murdering purposes. Reddle goes outside and confronts the evil that has trespassed. The ground turns into a swimming pool of oil and a huge gooey creature rises out of it to swallow him whole. The Damned Thing (2006) was good up until this point, but they wrecked it by throwing in a ridiculous “monster” to explain it all. I’d have liked it better if everyone just got drunk and went around hammering their faces. Would’ve made way more sense. To me, anyway.

Superhero Cheese, Sober Psychotics, Demonic Stuff

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 1, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Venom Cheese

As first reported by Bloody-Disgusting.com, the next time your in Jakarta, Indonesia, make sure the black goo covering your steak/burger/fries is the new Venom Cheese and not something that came out of a septic tank and/or a squatting stray animal out back.

Venom Cheese

Yep, Willie Brothers Steak & Cheese Restaurant (who the heck puts melted cheese instead of ketchup on steaks?) is paying homage to the upcoming Venom movie by making gooey black cheese to garnish their menu items. The black cheese is made of standardized mozzarella mixed with processed activated charcoal. To that I say double ick.

While you go brush your teeth because you just threw up a little, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not leave a black ring around your mouth…

The Mimic

THE MIMIC (June 12, 2018)
“The mother of a missing child takes in a lost girl she finds in the woods and soon begins to wonder if she is even human.”

This one came out in South Korea in August of 2017. I don’t remember that year on that old calendar I found out by the 7-Eleven™ dumpster. It is my fondest wish and dreams that you don’t confuse this Mimic with the same-titled sci-fi flick that came out in 1997. I don’t recall seeing that year on my FREE dumpster calendar as well. That said, I wish I was a mimic. Instead of turning from a creature into a human (already done that), or a creature that can turn into other creatures (done that, too), I’d totally try and get a job as an entertaining mime downtown in order to earn bus fare and/or a new calendar.

The Lighthouse

THE LIGHTHOUSE (July 6, 2018)
“Two men are trapped in an isolated lighthouse, surrounded by the deadly Irish sea, with both their minds ultimately pushed to the limits.”

Water, water everywhere, but not a drop of booze to drink. No wonder they’re being pushed to the limits. I guess rowing to the liquor store never crossed their damaged minds.

Darkness Reigns

DARKNESS REIGNS (July 10, 2018)
“A group of filmmakers shooting a movie in a reportedly haunted hotel are faced with an unfathomable demonic force that possesses and attacks both the crew and the film’s star. Will the film’s director be able to escape with the paranormal proof he has captured, or will he succumb to the hellish plans of the demon who has surfaced?”

Too bad they weren’t filming this in the haunted Overlook Hotel. Then they could call it, I don’t know, The Shining, or something along those lines, and post it on YouTube™ and get lots and lots of likes. Not for the generic title, though.

Extremity

EXTREMITY (2018)
Alison Bell is an emotionally troubled young woman who was once sexually assault by her father. Believing that confronting her trauma might be a means of exorcising her pain, she signs up for a trip to The Manor, in which the only certainty is the promised experience of absolute, unadulterated terror. But the most purely frightening thing on display at The Manor is Allison’s own twisted psyche.

This one sounds f’d up just from the press release. Couldn’t they find another way of making Alison traumatized, like taking away her cell phone for a week or telling her you can’t afford to get her tickets to P!nk, even though you have the money stashed away for far more important things, like binge drinking?

Kill Count, Real Bigfoot, Undead Wives

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Death Count: All of the Deaths in the Friday the 13th Film Series

If you’re like me and prefer TV over reading, then you missed Death Count: All of the Deaths in the Friday the 13th Film Series illustrated book, which came out October 20, 2017 from Two Things Press. But fear not — now you can get it for $9.99 on Kindle™, which is kinda like a TV version of a book.

Death Count: All of the Deaths in the Friday the 13th Film Series

At 124 e-pages, author Stacie Ponder goes into groovy gruesome visuals/stats on all who fell before Jason Voorhees’ pretty hate machine. And just how many tasted the pain? You wouldn’t have a reason to watch the book if I told you. But here’s the press release to convince you to wallet up: “With humor, love, and a lot of cartoon violence, Death Count celebrates the victims, survivors, killers, and other random characters encountered in the long-running Friday the 13th film series.”

Friday the 13th Kill Chart

You might recall a similar concept done in poster form back in 2011 by Andrew Barr of Canada’s National Post and illustrated by Mike Faille. But Sir Voorhees has since added to the terror tally, so Death Count might be the way to fulfill your splatter-y needs.

While I get over my aversion to books (oddly, posters don’t bother me), here are a few now available and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not make you download in your pants…

Bigfoot Encounters

BIGFOOT ENCOUNTERS (available now)
“Many believe Bigfoot does not exist. But for those who have seen the creature face to face, there is no question.”

Never been a question for me as to Bigfoot’s existence. I see him face to face every day in the bathroom mirror when I thoroughly brush my teeth. (Bigfoot could use a Rudy’s Barbershop™ shave and a trim. Just sayin’.)

Avengers Grimm: Time Wars

AVENGERS GRIMM: TIME WARS (available now)
“Unhappy being ruler of the Underworld, Rumpelstiltskin frees himself and plans to take over Earth. As the Avengers Grimm fight to stop him, they discover it’s not where he is hiding, but when, forcing our heroes to fight through the ages.”

This one has legendary kick-pants ladies, like Red Riding Hood (the color matches her season), Sleeping Beauty (I hear she snores like someone raking gravel), Snow White (she likes chili — heh!), and Alice of Wonderland fame. (Go asker her when she’s 10-feet tall. Tell me you got that hippie music reference.) So there’s four reasons to watch the movie, even though it rides the cape of that other group of Avengers. You know, the ones who hold iron-gripped dominion over the box office.

Between Worlds

BETWEEN WORLDS (2018)
“Joe, a down-on-his-luck truck driver, is haunted by the memory of his deceased wife and child. He meets Julie, a spiritually gifted woman who enlists Joe in a desperate effort to find the lost soul of her comatose daughter, Billie. But the spirit of Joe’s dead wife Mary proves stronger, possessing the young woman’s body and determined to settle her unfinished business with the living.”

No wonder Joe’s down on his luck— his wife comes back from the dead to nag him to death.

Automata

AUTOMATA (pending crowdfunding)
“Antique expert Brendan Cole is sent to authenticate a 300 year-old clockwork doll with a notorious history, known as ‘The Infernal Princess.’ In the remote Scottish mansion where it has been discovered, Brendan soon finds himself the victim of the automaton’s legendary curse.”

Aha! So that’s who Annabelle’s grandma is!

Gunslingers vs. Bloodflingers

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 10, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Billy The Kid vs. Dracula

Billy The Kid vs. Dracula (1966) — seems like a match-up match made in heaven: cowboys ’n capes. Not much of a versus, though, when bullets — the tried ’n true methodology of Old West gunslinger Billy The Kid — have about as much effect on Dracula as mosquitoes do on to buffalo home on the range. 

Billy the Kid vs. Dracula

Dracula, traveling to fresh, out west blood supplies by stagecoach, seizes an opportunity to impersonate a hot chick’s uncle after Indians slaughtered the passengers. (The gruesome stuff not shown.) The hot chick just happens to be the fiancée of Billy The Kid, who changed his name to simply William because he’s totally p*ssywhipped.

Billy The Kid vs. Dracula

Dracula, smoother in life than the rubber bat he transforms himself to get around in, f’d up earlier by sucking to death the daughter of traveling Russian immigrants. The grieving parents get jobs at the Bentley Ranch (owned by ’ol Hot Chick Bentley), and do their best to keep Dracula away from Elizabeth (aka, Hot Chick) who just happens to look exactly like Dracula’s ex. I know, a bit plot messy. Stay with the group.

Billy the Kid vs. Dracula

A few face punches, some “meh” gun play (I expected more from B the K), and zero blood and/or graphic displays of neck-sucking. And Dracula, with his rolling eyeballs and late night behavior, is more hammy than a barnyard pig. I expected more from a over-pontificating creature of the night.

Banshee — Shout It Out Loud

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 6, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Banshee!!!

The Banshee is a mythical creature that shrieks so loud your ear drums pop. That’s the good news. The bad news is you have about two seconds to live, as it’ll remove your head and everything else required to make it operate correctly.

Banshee!!!

Teens on a Connecticut camping trip in the small town of Wallingford run afoul of this winged, voluminous gargoyle, which can assume the likeness of its victims. They try running away from it, only to get impaled and gutted, like pre-bacon. Several are given the above treatment while the remaining savory dishes make it to a house that’s gun-guarded by an old man and his rocker son, Rocker. (That’s his real name, and it totally rocks.)

Banshee!!!

The Banshee finishes what it started with everyone else heading in the direction of their own salvation. Points for trying. And Banshee!!! (2008) is a decent try, even though it falls prey to lazy clichés and ham-flavored dialogue. The chicks take off their clearly uncomfortable shirts, but leave their bras on. Party foul.

Banshee!!!

The Banshee, obviously digital and not even remotely close to being real, is corn city. (It’s mouth looks like a hot air vent. Might be good for inflating balloons.) The buffet of blood and bodies, though, are moist, juicy and tender, much like the girls who don’t take off their bras. That’s like getting a delicious 7-Eleven Hot Pocket™ and not being able to get the wrapper off.

Vinyl Horror, Mix ’n Match Predators, Slaves To Evil

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 3, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mystery Minis

If you have some loose bus change totaling $169.99 jingling around in your britches, you may want to click on over to HouseofMysteriousSecrets.com to pre-order their case set of miniature vinyl horror movie icons to put on various shelves and/or tabletops in the place you change (and hopefully wash) said britches.

Mystery Minis

Each of these cooler than heck collectibles is 3 1/4” tall and are bendable into different poses. For instance, the possessed Regan doll (The Exorcist/1973) could be bent over to reenact projective vomiting. Other characters include multiple versions of Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, and Pennywise (1990 version). These dolls can be purchased separately, but why? Pre-order all of ‘em now as they’re arriving July, 2018. 

And while you’re clearing your shelves of unread books/plastic bowling trophies to make room for ‘em, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be collectible…

Pred4tor

PRED4TOR (2018)
“From the outer reaches of space to the small-town streets of suburbia, the hunt comes home in Shane Black’s explosive reinvention of the Predator series. Now, the universe’s most lethal hunters are stronger, smarter and deadlier than ever before, having genetically upgraded themselves with DNA from other species. When a young boy accidentally triggers their return to Earth, only a ragtag crew of ex-soldiers and a disgruntled science teacher can prevent the end of the human race.”

Already e-blogged about this prior, though I can’t recall when as I’ve been distracted by…pizza. So this is the latest key art and official plot — Predators swapping DNA spit in the shower with other species. You have my attention. Note to Predators: If it doesn’t involve probing or the touching of the swimsuit area, I would like to be genetically-upgraded so that I, too, may join your social club.

The Dark

THE DARK (2018)
Undead and hating it, young flesh-eater Mina haunts the woods surrounding her childhood home. When she befriends a physically abused boy, she must figure out why, for once, she isn’t feeling homicidal.”

Interesting spin on the zombie theme. I bet Mina eats the abused boy’s parents. And I hope she burps/farts as loud as the horns of humanity after finishing her meal. Parents or others who abuse kids should get even worse punishment than being digested and crapped out by a zombie.

Threshold

THRESHOLD (2018)
“A group of graduating college seniors find themselves stuck in the spooky residence of the college President after a graduation party. The house changes as they move through it, no passage leading the same way twice. They soon discover the house is a labyrinth, and at its center is an ancient monster of mythology. As they are eaten one by one, they learn they are part of a ritual and must find their way out of the house by solving the maze if they are going to survive.”

It’s said that Threshold’s monster is a Minotaur, a creature half man, half bull. So does he sleep in a bed or a barn? I bet he’d be king of the rodeo at those county fair bull-riding contests.

Satan's Slaves

SATAN’S SLAVES (2017/Indonesia – 2018/US)
“A record-breaking box-office hit upon release, Joko Anwar’s affectionate remake of 1980’s Pengabdi Setan is one of horror cinema’s recent triumphs: an atmospheric, expertly-shot roller-coaster ride of a haunted house film, inspired as much by Indonesian folklore as by retro genre classics.”

Slashfilm.com has this to say about that: “A Quiet Place and Hereditary have already been dubbed 2018’s scariest films to beat, but you can add Satan’s Slaves to that list now – the most horrifying film of 2018 you haven’t heard of yet.” With that kind of endorsement, it kinda makes your mouth start slobbering all on its own. Better wear a plastic shirt (and possibly pants) when I go see it. Heck, might as well buy a wet suit.

The Oily Maniac Is One Crude Dude

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 2, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Oily Maniac

Before he became the anti-superhero Oily Maniac, polio-crippled legal assistant Shen Yuan visits his uncle in jail just moments before being executed for defending his niece from shady thugs who want to take over land that doesn’t belong to them. Just before dying, the uncle shows Shen a tattoo on his back that, when translated, turns the invoker into a creature made of oil that has super strength. So much for keeping the floors clean.

The Oily Maniac

After seeing his beloved in the arms of one of the criminals who caused his uncle’s death (she was unaware), Shen pops his top and translates the invocation. He’s to first dig a hole in the middle of his house, sit in it while chanting (kinda sounds like my neighbor when he goes to the bathroom) and waits for the spell to happen. (Again, neighbor.) When it does, bubbling, stinky and steamy oil fills up the hole and envelopes Shen in it. Seconds later, he pops out, growling, with glowing red eyes and looking like he slept in an unflushed public restroom toilet all night. Then he makes revenge happen.

The Oily Maniac

Doesn’t take long: a woman lies in court about her neighbor raping her. Then he discovers his adulterous boss is tricking clients out of thousands. Then he discovers a woman performing illegal abortions without actually being a doctor. Oil’s well that doesn’t end well for all.

The Oily Maniac

Where the 40-weight hits the fan is when Shen finds out his girlfriend was raped by a criminal who was working with her boyfriend. It was all a trick to get the inherited land — now worth millions — away from her. After she awakes from being knocked unconscious prior to the violation, she discovers the truth and kills herself with a hay baling hook laying nearby. Okay, ouch.

The Oily Maniac

This drives Oily Maniac super crazy and he goes to a gas station and pumps diesel fuel all over himself to lube up. I’m pretty sure diesel fuel doesn’t come out of the nozzle like black goop. But hey, this is Malaysia in the ‘70s, so what do I know. Maybe diesel is a delicacy or something in that country. Oily takes on the entire gang down at the docks. He can jump like Spider-Man and turn himself into an animated, traveling puddle of goo, reforming himself when wrongness needs to be righted.

The Oily Maniac

Even with all the completed revenge, it doesn’t end up in the win column for Oily. And once he’s run out of life fuel, he turns back into a dead Shen. Thus sadly ends The Oily Maniac (aka, You gui zi/1976), one of the Shaw Brothers’ weirder, but fun movies. It should be noted that there’s bare women parts (just tops and a few bottoms). But not enough to give you gas.