Archive for Science Fiction

Downloadable Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 19, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

HorrorVision

Too bad this doesn’t happen in real life — anyone who logs on to horrorvision.com gets assimilated into the Internet and their souls digitized, thus rendering them unliving. Bye-bye trolls. This is what happens when the web becomes self-aware — and stinky hackers find themselves getting hacked.

HorrorVision

The webmaster behind the evil-encoded web site is a mysterious entity calling himself “Manifesto.” (Personally, I would have chosen the name “Captain Download” or “Johnny Modem.”) A hacker’s Goth girlfriend is sucked into Microsoft™ oblivion, and he spends the rest of the movie remembering the Goth good times they used to have, and trying to find her by hollering at everyone. 

HorrorVision

An ominous man with a cool coat speaks to him cryptically, and together they track down this Manifesto — a 10-foot garbage can with a dirty bath rug for a hat. Lots of swearing, implied sex, a long driving scene set to an even longer Goth ballad, and a confrontation in the desert with Garbage Can Head, uh, I mean the great and powerful Manifesto. HorrorVision (2001) is about as exciting as AOL™.

Joe Bob Returns, T-Rex Take-Out, Ouija Warning Labels

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 18, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Joe Bob Briggs

Better news that’s on the news: Joe Bob Briggs, the canned beer-swilling, B-movie/syndicated columnist/author/TV host, is coming back to TV for a 24-hour horror-thon in June of 2018. This will take place on Shudder™, so far the leading streaming horror movie channel. This is, like, Christmas and Halloween on the same day!

Monstervision

From the official press release: “JOE BOB’S COMING BACK TO TV! He’s gonna be hosting a 24 HOUR MOVIE MARATHON on Shudder™. That’s right, 24 hours of Joe Bob’s intros, outros, and OF COURSE the drive-in totals. It’ll start on a Friday in June, although we don’t know which Friday yet.”

Honey The Mail Girl

You may remember Joe Bob’s top-rated MonsterVision show, which ran on the TNT Network from 1995 to 2000, and featured classic horror and schlock films from the ’70s, ’80s and ’90s, along with tons of hilarious commentary, special guests, and the drop dead gorgeous Honey, the mail girl, now a successful attorney in Bloomington, IN. (Previously, the eccentric comedy team of Penn & Teller guest-hosted MonsterVision marathons that showed old B-movies from the ’50s and ’60s.)

While we use our combined will power/mental abilities and all stare at our TVs in unison to get it to change to June, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi/fantasy movies to drink canned beer while watching… 

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN KINGDOM (June 22, 2018)
“It’s been four years since theme park and luxury resort Jurassic World was destroyed by dinosaurs out of containment. Isla Nublar now sits abandoned by humans while the surviving dinosaurs fend for themselves in the jungles. When the island’s dormant volcano begins roaring to life, Owen and Claire mount a campaign to rescue the remaining dinosaurs from this extinction-level event. Owen is driven to find Blue, his lead raptor who’s still missing in the wild, and Claire has grown a respect for these creatures she now makes her mission. Arriving on the unstable island as lava begins raining down, their expedition uncovers a conspiracy that could return our entire planet to a perilous order not seen since prehistoric times.’

Disclaimer: I already tagged this on June 25, 2017. Since then the movie has come up with a new poster (look up) and has more a descriptive description of the plot, which can be deglazed into simply, modern day dinosaurs eat humans and wreck stuff. Also, the original key art had the movie arriving on June 6, 2018. But my studied research (occasionally clicking around the web) found a redacted poster with the June 22, 2018 release date. Matters not — modern day dinosaurs eating humans, man!

The Innocents

THE INNOCENTS (August 24, 2018/Netflix™)
“The series will explore what happens when teenagers Harry and June run away from their repressive family lives to be together. They’re quickly thrown into an extraordinary journey of self-discovery that derails their innocent dream: Secrets kept from them by their parents test their love to the breaking point, and the extraordinary gift they possess unleashes powerful forces intent on dividing them forever.”

Another Netflix™ TV series, which is not necessarily a bad thing — unless you don’t have Netflix™ — ha! This sounds like YET ANOTHER spin on the ‘ol “Romeo and Juliet” thing, but with some supernatural stuff and probably way too much plot-stalling smooching.

Ouija House

OUIJA HOUSE (2018)
“To help her down-on-her-luck mother, a graduate student brings her friends to a mysterious house where they plan to do research for a book project. But they inadvertently summon an evil entity with plans of its own.”

Anyone who f’s with anything Ouija has to know by now it’s like those warning signs on cigarette packages that say (in all caps): “CAUTION: CIGARETTE SMOKING MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH.” They should just change “cigarette smoking” to “summoning evil” and start putting that label on Ouija boards.

Knuckleball

KNUCKLEBALL (2018)
“After his grandfather unexpectedly dies in the night, 12 year-old Henry finds himself cut off and alone on an isolated farm. When his nearest neighbor, Dixon, realizes that the boy has no one to protect him, Henry becomes a target for reasons he cannot understand. With his parents at least 24 hours from returning and a massive snowstorm brewing, Henry retreats into the house and prepares for a siege. What follows is a desperate battle for survival that will also unlock the terrifying connection between his family and the killer next door.”

Sounds like Home Alone (1990), but with more stabbing.

End of The World, Heritage Alligators, All Colors Matter

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 17, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Planet X

In a recent AOL.com article written by Lindsay Granger, it appears the YET AGAIN Christian prophesied end of the world is scheduled to happen on April 23, 2018. And how will this come to be? That stinky Planet X is scheduled to usher in the Nibiru cataclysm. Seems kinda mega-harsh. More so when you find learn that ominous space rock doesn’t even have one 7-Eleven™ on it. End of the world, indeed.

The Washington Post wrote that “Planet X’s imminent arrival has been predicted so many times before, in so many newspapers, and its existence has been debunked so thoroughly by NASA, that we are struggling to find anything interesting to say about the latest round of panic and hyperbole.”

Planet X

Hocking a biblical loogie in the face of that, David Meade — a Christian numerologist — insists that on April 23, the sun, moon and Jupiter will align in the constellation Virgo and bring forth the start of biblical rapture. The Daily Express, counters with a nicely placed dick-slap to that theory, saying scientists have dismissed these claims, noting that this alignment occurs once every 12 years. (On that proclamation, the Earth already collided with another planet in 2011’s Melancholia. It was neato.)

Melancholia

IF the end of the world happens on April 23, 2018, I’d better get my laundry done; One should always wear a clean pair of britches to the apocalypse. And while we wait for our impending/un-impending doom, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not leave you rapturous…

Lake Placid: Legacy

LAKE PLACID: LEGACY (May 28, 2018)
“Taking place several years after the events of the original film, Legacy finds the team of young explorers out to reveal the secrets of an area removed from modern day maps and hidden behind electric fences. However, once they reach the center of the lake, they discover an island that harbors an abandoned facility with a horrific legacy: the island is home to a deadly predator eager to feast on those dumb enough to ignore the warnings.”

Even though Lake Placid (1999) became exponentially sillier with each sequel (I’m looking in your direction Lake Placid vs. Anaconda/2015) — you really can’t go wrong with a 30-foot alligator making Scooby snacks out of those who would dip their meaty limbs in his bathtub. So yeah, unbitten thumbs up for this one.

Bad Samaritan

BAD SAMARITAN (May 4, 2018)
“A valet develops a clever scam to burglarize the houses of rich customers. Things go smoothly until he robs the wrong customer, and discovers  a woman being held captive in the home. Afraid of going to prison, he leaves the woman there and makes a call to the police, who find nothing when they investigate. Now, the valet must endure the wrath of the kidnapper who seeks revenge on him, all while desperately trying to find and rescue the captive woman he left behind.”

A criminal with a moral conscious. Quit your day job, dude. Might be a cool twist, though, if he kidnapped the kidnapper. I wouldn’t begin to know what to call that.

Attack of the Adult Babies

ATTACK OF THE ADULT BABIES (June 11, 2018)
“The aftermath of a shocking home invasion forces three frightened family members to break into a remote country manor and steal top secret documents. Little do they know the stately pile is also the clandestine venue where a group of high-powered elderly men go to take refuge from the stresses and strains of daily life by dressing up in nappies and having a bevy of beautiful nurses indulging their every perverse nursery whim. Nor do they realize this grotesque assembly is compelled to refuel the world’s economy by very sinister, sick and monstrous means. As the bodily fluids hit the fan, the bloody carnage and freaky weirdness escalates.”

From early reviews: “Attack of the Adult Babies is disgusting, depraved, brave, bonkers, brilliant and quintessentially British in its humor and depravity.” Sounds like they have all the bases covered, although seeing elderly men in diapers might be a glimpse of my future.

Monochrome

MONOCHROME: THE CHROMISM (2018)
“Traded and sold like currency, the outcast people known as ‘Hues’, are hunted down after turning color in a black and white world.”

A black and white world that starts to turn into technicolor has been done before with 1998’s Pleasantville. That was a comedy. This one sounds more not comedy.

Real X-Files, Angels & Zombies, Future Grrrls

Posted in Aliens, Bigfoot, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Sharks, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 15, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Art Bell

Sad to report the April 13, 2018 passing of Art Bell, 72, one of the paranormal’s iconic advocates. Host of the globally-popular Coast To Coast AM late night radio show for twenty years, Art’s show was a seriously presented forum for all things paranormal, demonic, ghostly, cryptid, crop circle-y and all around monsterific. And while Art’s charismatic deep voice and dry delivery wasn’t enough, his callers’ supernatural stories and UFO sightings were the stuff custom made for ratings.

Art Bell

So popular was his radio show, he was syndicated in 500 markets in the U.S. and Canada. (Canada, by the way, is where all things paranormal were born, no doubt fueled by Moosehead beer.) Radio DJ Alan Stock described Art’s show as being “like a Disneyland for sci-fi.” Coast To Coast AM still broadcasts with the super cool George Noory at the mic. (He also regularly appears on the History Channel’s Ancient Aliens.)

Art Bell

So here’s to you, Art Bell — thank you for being the legendary voice for the real X-Files. And while you can hear archived shows on YouTube™, here are a few just released and upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that might’ve been right at home on Coast To Coast AM…. 

AVZ: Angels Vs. Zombies

AVZ: ANGELS VS. ZOMBIES (available now)
“At the end of days seven archangels arrive to deliver us from evil. Get ready for the resurrection, the dead will rise.”

Never understood the term “archangel.” Does that mean they have osteoporosis? So angels doing battle with zombies. Seems like everybody wants to take a swing at the undead these days. Heck, God’s delivery sycophants have battled everything from Bigfoot to aliens to even other angels. (Angels are like the Amazon Prime™ of religion.) be double awesome if someone would come up with AVS: Angels vs. Sharktopus.

Along With The Gods

ALONG WITH THE GODS: THE TWO WORLDS (available now)
Ja-hong, a firefighter, is taken to the afterlife by three guardians, where only after passing seven trials and proving he lived a noble life will he be able to reincarnate.”

Guess if firefighter Ja-hong is in the afterlife, he must not have been that good at his day job. And who wants to reincarnate? Being back on this toilet Earth is the last place I’d wanna return policy. Except my favorite bar, which I coincidentally call “the afterlife.”

House on Elm Lake

HOUSE ON ELM LAKE (available now)
“A couple and their young daughter move into a lake house that remained unsold due to the brutal, ritualistic murder of a family years ago. Soon, they realize that a dormant evil has awakened, a possessive force that has preyed on unsuspecting families like theirs for centuries.”

A house on Elm Lake? Is this Freddy Krueger’s Airbnb™? If I was dormant evil and lived on a lake, I’d wake up, goon out a few ducks and make splishy splash happen. And I’d do it in a Speedo™, you know, just to up the horror factor.

Future World

FUTURE WORLD (May 25, 2018)
“Inside a desert oasis, a queen lays dying as her son Prince travels across barren waste lands to find a near-mythical medicine to save her life. After evading violent raiders on motorbikes led by the Warlord and his enforcer, Prince meets Ash, the Warlord’s robot sex companion-assassin who’s in search of her own soul. As Prince is captured by the Druglord, the Warlord’s forces roar in — and Prince fights to save the remnants of humanity.”

The trailer makes this look like a Road Warrior (1981) knock-off, but with lots more riot grrrls. Maybe they should call it Mad Maxine. The drool-worthy Milla Jovovich stars and still looks a sexy fresh as she did in the Resident Evil (2002) six-movie franchise, where she got more attractive with each consecutive sequel. I bet she eats a lot of preservatives. Heh.

Metal For Your Face, Empowered Horror Women, Cursed Movie Stars

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 13, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Iron Maiden

If you’re a fan of heavy metal (again, why wouldn’t you be?), you’ll load your britches over a gaggle of new Iron MaidenEddieHalloween masks by Trick or Treat Studios (.com). Eddie, as everyone in the universe knows (even aliens), is the ghoulish mascot for Iron Maiden, gracing the cover of all their albums, sometimes as a zombie slasher, undead WWII pilot, an Egyptian mummy and even a living dead cyborg. If I was a cyborg, I’d want to look like Eddie. Then we could hang out all day and do cool cyborg stuff.

Eddie

So now Trick or Treat Studios is set to release four new Iron Maiden full head masks, including “Aces HighEddie, Powerslave, Somewhere in Time Eddie, Final Frontier Eddie, and Number of the Beast Eddie. What, no Groundhog’s Day Eddie? Prices for this sublime face-wear ranges from $49.99 — $59.00. A mere pittance to look like one of heavy metal’s most famous icons.

Iron Maiden

A little history: the rotting, skeletal visage of Eddie was done by artist Derek Riggs, was based on an original design by art student who just happened to be BBFs with DaveLightsBeasley, who, back in the early band days, was in charge of lighting, pyrotechnics and other hearing-damaging effects for Iron Maiden’s live show.

Iron Maiden

The new masks will be available August/September of this year, which I was just told is 2018. Geez, it was 1980 just a few days ago. So while we wait for our molded plastic makeover, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to bang your rubber-encased head to…

Dead List

DEAD LIST (May 1, 2018/VOD)
Calvin is competing with five other actors — Zander, Scott, Kush, Jason and Bob — for a major movie role. Stopping at nothing to win the role of a lifetime, he uses a demonic book to curse his fellow actors, with each actor being killed off in their own separate unique and terrifying chapter.”

Sounds like one of those Final Destination (2000) things, but with demon flavorings added. The only demonic book I know is the TV Guide™. That flippin’ thing is evil and will suck your soul right out of your eyeballs on a nightly basis for hours at a time.

Mary Shelley

MARY SHELLEY (May 25, 2018)
“Passionate and rebellious teenager Mary Wollstonecraft finds a kindred spirit in poet Percy Shelley. Their whirlwind love affair scandalizes polite society, as the young couple gorge on literature and a bohemian life. When tragedy strikes and the couple lose their baby daughter, Mary strikes back, finding the courage and bravery to transform her pain into the world’s first science fiction novel, Frankenstein— all by the age of 18.”

Mary Shelley, back in the 1800s, was the woman who created Frankenstein, but she’s not the only one. Have you met my mom?

Under The Silver Lake

UNDER THE SILVER LAKE (June 22, 2018)
“Young and disenchanted Sam meets a mysterious and beautiful woman who’s swimming in his building’s pool one night. When she suddenly vanishes the next morning, Sam embarks on a surreal quest across Los Angeles to decode the secret behind her disappearance, leading him into the murkiest depths of mystery, scandal and conspiracy.”

I’m thinkin’ the girl in the pool is a ghost mermaid on the swim from the Law. As for the surreal quest across Los Angeles, just driving a few blocks in Hollywood definitely qualifies.

Don't Leave Home

DON’T LEAVE HOME (2018/2019)
“An American artist’s obsession with a disturbing urban legend leads her to an investigation of the story’s origins at the crumbling estate of a reclusive painter in Ireland.”

I can only guess that the urban legend is a sober Irishman. Heh.

Colorful Horror, Submarine-Sized Sharks, Language Virus

Posted in Evil, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 10, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Beauty of Horror: Ultimate Nightmare

If you read this blog on November 10, 2017 (if not, what’s your plausible excuse?), I tagged artist/Life of Agony bassist Alan RobertsThe Beauty of Horror coloring books. Now, just a scant weeks later, comes news of The Beauty of Horror: Ultimate Nightmare Deluxe Coloring Set, arriving arrives in stores September 2018 from IDW Publishing. Time to break out the sidewalk chalk (or your preferred art medium).

The insanely cool set is sized at 12” x12”, same as a vinyl record album, only you supply the grooves. The set is said to include fan favorites from The Beauty of Horror Volume One, Volume Two: Ghouliana’s Creepatorium, Volume Three: Haunted Playgrounds, and showcases three, paper-spanking new Alan Robert exclusives. Think of it as a “greatest hits plus.”

The cost? Does it matter? All you need to know is that you need to own this. Crayons not included. And while we impatiently wait for September (I’m actually impatiently waiting for National Hot Dog Month in July), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi flicks that may or may not fill your world with colorful, pant-staining scares…

THE MEG (August 10, 2018)
“A deep-sea submersible — part of an international undersea observation program — has been attacked by a massive creature, previously thought to be extinct, and now lies disabled at the bottom of the deepest trench in the Pacific…with its crew trapped inside. With time running out, expert deep sea rescue diver Jonas Taylor is recruited to save the crew — and the ocean itself — from this unstoppable threat: a prehistoric 75-foot-long shark known as the Megalodon, bringing him face to face once more with the greatest and largest predator of all time.”

The Meg

Meg, as you might know, is short for Megalodon, the largest shark ever to have strained dinosaurs through it’s mega mouth like krill through a blue whale’s surfer-hole. If you haven’t seen the trailers for this, be prepared to pollute the aquarium. This shark is supersized and makes the shark (“Bruce”) in Jaws (1975) look like a carnival goldfish. Another supersized bonus: this one is coming out in 3D, which is one better — and more expensive — than 2D. I care not — the already over-priced movie theatre can have a bigger bite out of my paycheck for this one. (Wonder if they’ll take a post-dated check?)

Dead By Midnight

DEAD BY MIDNIGHT (2018)
“It’s Halloween at WKIZ when the malicious Mistress of Midnight arrives to host her annual horror movie marathon ‘Dead By Midnight’. When the WKIZ staff begins disappearing only to turn up in the increasingly darker films, it’s up to line producer Candice Spelling to stop the Mistress before her final and most diabolical film goes to air.”

Cool premise. Wonder is the Mistress of Midnight is single? If she’s as delicious as she is malicious, I should like to apply for the job as her evil smooch buddy. And hey, if she casts me in one of her dark films, I’d be flattered. Won’t do it for free, though; living or not, the rent’s gotta be paid

Pontypool Changes

PONTYPOOL CHANGES (2018/2019)
“The sequel to Pontypool (2008), in which a virus is transferred from one person to another by way of words in the English language.”

Not even sure this is gonna be a take-to-market movie. For starters, really craptacular movie key art. Looks fan-made. Secondly, the first Pontypool, while intriguing the way a can of soup with the label missing is, had a dumb premise. So if a virus is passed via English language, learn French.

Party Hard, Die Young

PARTY HARD, DIE YOUNG (2018/2019)
“Finally, graduation! No more high school! In order to celebrate Julia, her classmates and thousands of fellow graduates are on their way to an island resort in Croatia. It’s supposed to be the party of their lives. The harmless fun, however, soon turns dead serious. When a friend is killed in a tragic accident, the party people’s euphoria is crushed. Moreover, Julia’s best friend Jessica has been missing and she is the only one who believes in a connection between the two incidents. Unfortunately soon after, her suspicion is confirmed when Jessica’s lifeless body is washed up on the shore. Now the trip is about sheer survival, as Julia realizes that she’s probably the next victim. Could it all be connected to a long-buried incident from the clique’s past?”

Yes. Yes, it is all connected to a cliched long-buried incident from the clique’s past. Move along — nothing to see here.

Sea Ya Sharks, Mansion Ghosts, Farm To Market Cannibals

Posted in Fantasy, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 9, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sharknado

On July 25, 2018 we’ll be saying goodbye to the gooftacular Sharknado universe with the latest, as-yet-untitled Sharknado sequel. (They should call it Will The Last Sharknado Leaving The Ocean, Please Turn Off The Faucet? A bit wordy, but nail on the head.) Note to selves: I tagged this one on February 22, 2018. Then I washed and combed my hair for two hours.

Sharknado

The left-field hit series that started as a waterspout that pulls sharks out of the ocean and dumps them all over Los Angeles, started in 2013 with Sharknado, and successfully regurgitated the formulaic plots with endless celebrity cameos with Sharknado: The Second One (2014), Sharknado: Oh Hell No! (2015), Sharknado: The 4th Awakens (2016) and Sharknado: Global Swarming (2017). Even before the new/final one, this is like the movie version of Hokey Pokey.

A really big shark

While we cross our fingers that this will indeed be the last Sharknado, were are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not belong in a watery grave…

Cartel 2045

CARTEL 2045 (May 1, 2018)
“The year is 2045, the continuing drug war has caused havoc between The United States and Mexico. Gear Side International, a robotics engineering company on the brink of bankruptcy, sells off their technology to the Cartel on the black market. With the advanced military robotics technology in the wrong hands the cartel uses it to their advantage; replacing their enforcers, hit men, and soldiers.”

Who needs robots when you have Machete himself to take care of future business? (Note to reader: It’s really Danny Trejo, who played the iconic badass Machete in previous kick ass films, though I’m not seeing much of a difference). I live in Seattle, but I have friends in Los Angeles who regularly eat at his restaurant: Trejos Tacos. Wonder if they chop up the taco fillings with a…machete? That’s be SO cool.

Wraith

WRAITH (May 8, 2018)
“After living in an old mansion for almost 10 years a family suddenly discovers a ghost-like presence trying to communicate with them.”

I would like to live in an old mansion that has a ghost-like presence. But does the squatting specter chip in on the cable bill, scrub toilets every other month and chase other ghosts out of the cellar, you know household chores everyone has to do? Might have to bring that up during the next family poltergeist pow-wow.

Beast

BEAST (May 11, 2018)
“A troubled young woman in a small island community falls for a mysterious outsider who empowers her to escape from her oppressive family. When he comes under suspicion for a series of brutal murders she defends him at all costs and learns what she is capable of.”

This one’s being described as a “warped adult fairy tale.” Works for me, though it seems like a really bad idea to a.) commit brutal murders, and b.) do it on a small community island. Unless you’re Aquaman’s cousin’s brother’s nephew and could swim away from the cops, you’re pretty much dry-docked in the zip code.

The Farm

THE FARM (2018/2019)
“A young couple gets kidnapped and treated like farm animals after stopping at a roadside diner to eat meat.”

I don’t hang out in barns (anymore), so I’m not sure how farm animals are being treated these days. If I remember the Old MacDonald literary works correctly, cows and chickens and beavers get three hots and a cot. Doesn’t sound that bad to me.