Sell-Out Horror, Digital Zombies, Haunted Caregiver

The awesomely awesome Bottleneck Gallery (bottleneckgallery.com), dealers in limited edition, spectacular horror/sci-fi art, might have set a record with artist Andrew Rowland’s take on The Shining — all three variants of the art sold out mere moments after they went on sale. Priced from $40 to $60, these giclee prints blew out in less time than it takes to write “redrum” in lipstick on the bathroom door (You got that, right?)

The trick to get in on these exclusive on-sales is to sign up for their newsletter. They give you fair warning of upcoming art going on sale. But you gotta be quick on the click — BNG’s art sales almost always sells out within hours of announcing. Just like Taco Tuesdays at the Tug Tavern — $1.00. (If you can actually get it down your throat, it’s a pretty sweet deal.)

Here are a few more stunningly stunning art pieces on Bottleneck’s website. Call in sick so as to not work and get on their website to see why their curated art is in such high demand. Like $1.00 tacos. And while you do that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as indigestible as a Tug Tavern taco… 

TALK TO ME / July 28, 2023 (Theaters)

“A group of friends discover how to conjure spirits using an embalmed hand. They become hooked on the new thrill, until one of them goes too far and unleashes terrifying supernatural forces.”

You don’t need an embalmed hand to conjure spirits — just order ‘em off the Internet. Free shipping if you order two or more.

RESIDENT EVIL: DEATH ISLAND / Release pending summer 2023 (VOD)

“D.S.O. Agent Leon S. Kennedy is on a mission to rescue Dr. Antonio Taylor from kidnappers, when a mysterious woman thwarts his pursuit. Meanwhile, B.S.A.A. Agent Chris Redfield is investigating a zombie outbreak in San Francisco, where the cause of the infection cannot be identified. The only thing the victims have in common is that they all visited Alcatraz Island recently. Following that clue, Chris and his team head to the island, where a new horror awaits them.”

Even though this is an animated movie, if it’s anything like the trailer, then digital or not, this thing brings on the zombie carnage. (Zombie carnage — sounds like a cool name for an all-you-can-eat buffet.)

THE RUSE / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“When an in-home caregiver assigned to an elderly patient mysteriously vanishes, Dale is quickly sent as a replacement nurse. Dale rushes to the remote seaside home, only to find herself in the middle of chaos. Forced to deal with an unruly patient, mysterious neighbors, and terrifying supernatural occurrences that seem to plague the home. Is the house haunted? Or is something even more malevolent to blame? As the walls close in, unsure who she can trust, Dale fears for her life and that of her patient. But can we trust Dale?”

They had me at unruly patient.

EXHIBIT #8 / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When Bosnian-born Aisha and cameraman Elias team up to shoot a documentary on the mysterious disappearance of Aisha’s brother, they cross paths with another film crew, who are creating an even more sinister narrative.”

This came out in June 1,2022 in the Netherlands, wherever that is. Then it showed up at a Portugal film festival in March of 2023. I couldn’t find a bus that went there, so I missed it. Now it’s going to be at YET ANOTHER film festival on April 14, 2023. In Brazil. I am so done with trying to find buses with decipherable connecting routes to get me there.

Poltergeist Police, Apparition Anthology, Specter Slasher

If you’ve ever watched ghost-hunting “reality” shows and thought, “Well heck — I could do that and make an idiot out off myself way better than those guys,” now you can with Ghost Stop’s™ Ghost Hunting Gear, a one-stop shop with all the equipment you need to expose real-life hauntings for what they are. (Don’t make me explain this.)

Ghost Stop™ has it all to get on Casper’s case, from EVP recorders and meters, video cameras, thermal cams, and branded backpacks to stuff it all in. And before you think this is all nonsense, the prices aren’t: the EVP Recorder is a scary $89.95, the Phasm Cam is a shocking $179.95, Ghost Stop’s™ Spirit Box Ghost Hunting Kit will spook you out of $252.80, and the Pro Ghost Hunting Kit is a spine-chilling $699.70. You could spend that money on beer and film yourself haunting various bars and/or taverns. Now THERE’S a reality show worth watching…and I would like to audition for it.

While you look to get your ghost gumshoeing on, here are a few out now horror movies that may or may not scare the easily detectable ectoplasm out of you…    

LET IT GHOST / Out now (VOD)

“This anthology film features a triplet of horror stories, starring up-and-coming actors and popular local Youtubers™. A film crew is haunted by paranormal activities; When a taxi driver takes his girlfriend to a party room to get it on, a horny ghost adds spice to the proceedings; When a wandering ghost refuses to leave a soon-to-be-gentrified mall, the tenants concoct a plan to send her off.”

Of these I would like to see how they pull off a threesome with a ghost. For starters, what would they use for lube — VapoRub™?

THE OPEN BODY / Out now (VOD)

“1909. Miguel, a young teacher, is sent to work in a small, gloomy village on the border between Spain and Portugal. There, he will start to feel a special kind of fascination for Dorinda, the wife of Turelo, who is having an extra-marital affair with Mauro. When, one icy morning, Mauro’s body is found hanging from a cherry tree, the teacher begins to suspect that his soul is still wandering around the village in search of revenge. An erudite and highly rational man, the teacher now comes face to face with a world that is no short of archaic in its ways and values. A universe that still believes in the ‘open bodies’, which are especially prone to being possessed by the spirits of the dead and who use them as a way to manifest themselves and establish a relationship with the living.”

Mauro’s soul isn’t wandering around the village in search of revenge — he’s looking to establish a relationship with a living restroom. (Apparently, there are no working toilets in the afterlife. Guess that’s why it’s called Hell.)  

DR. GIFT / Out now (VOD)

“What do you get when you combine an ’80s slasher with a haunting ghost story?”

A reason to waste $4.99 to rent it.

UFO PARANORMAL OVERLORDS / Out now (VOD)

“Why are Aliens so widespread in ancient tradition, mythology, religion and even now in our modern age? The truth can be found within the mind’s connection to other realms. We can access this ‘dark’ side of the mind and Alien connection via methods used by the ancients to access our own internal world, which is our gateway to other realms. With the use of medicinals, meditation or prayer we can access this other dimension but the pathway is multi-leveled and complex. It is the hypnagogic — the point between waking and sleeping. Within this realm we can see and experience what Carl Jung termed ‘archetypes’ which have been encountered since time immemorial, are in reality our connection to the Multiverse. Since ancient times, we have encountered what we now call ‘Aliens’ in many forms that have more than influenced our history, they may have created it.”

Accessing the mind’s dark side and Alien connections using medicinals and meditation? Who made this documentary — hippies?

Provable Sea Monsters, Polish Slashers, Purple Aliens

Newsweek recently caught my attention with this headline: “Prehistoric, Dinosaur-Era Shark With Insane Teeth Found Swimming Off Coast of Portugal.” Well dang — they might as well have said, “Free Candy!”

The drool-worthy article, written by Dana Dovey, goes on to say that “The rare frilled shark is considered a ‘living fossil,’ as its makeup has remained unchanged for 80 million years. This summer, researchers found one alive and thriving off the coast of Portugal, adding evidence regarding the resilience of this ancient sea creature. The frilled shark has remained the same, both inside and out, since the time of the dinosaurs, with scientists dating it back to the Cretaceous Period, a time when the Tyrannosaurus Rex and Triceratops still roamed the planet.”

The article also goes on to say that the shark’s jaw has more than 300 teeth neatly lined in 25 rows. I bet this thing goes through 100 toothbrushes a month.

Even more entertaining were the article’s comments: “OK if I am ever 4,200 ft deep in the ocean off Portugal, I will make sure I avoid this shark.” “Unevolved and been around for millions of years before man? I don’t believe you. Where are the earlier pictures? You know, the ones from millions of years ago as proof.” “People will say this is Photoshopped, but ha! the joke’s on you. Photoshop didn’t exist in the Cretaceous Period.”

While I finish LOL-ing all over myself, here are a few just released and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies with story lines that may or may not have existed 80 million years ago…

FANTOM KILLER (available now)
“Beautiful women living in a small Polish town are being found butchered in unspeakably grotesque ways. As the police desperately search for clues which could lead to the identity of this misogynistic masked assailant, suspicion begins to mount against the strange younger brother of one of the officers, who had been previously confined to an asylum. Will this fiendish killer be unmasked before his bloodthirsty appetite needs to be satisfied once again?”

This one’s from Poland from back in 1998, and just recently being re-issued and released in the States. Heads up: this movie is in Polish, but with English sub-titles. Crap. I can barely speak English, let alone read it.

THE RIFT: DARK SIDE OF THE MOON (November 28, 2017/VOD)
“An American military satellite crash lands in Eastern Serbia and a team of US and Serbian agents are dispatched to secure the remains of the satellite. But when they locate the crash site all is not as it seems.”

This a sequel to 2012’s The Rift? Heck-a-roo if I know. What I do know about The Rift: Dark Side of the Moon is that some astronauts cuttin’ a rug on the moon find a purple, shapeless, glowing alien life-form. Well hey — bring that lunar novelty back to Earth and see what kind of trouble they can make happen! Crossing fingers it’s one of those things you win at the county fair by throwing darts at balloons filled with purple hydrogen.

CUTLASS (December 12/VOD)
“A young tourist is abducted from her family into the jungles of Trinidad by a dangerous, armed sociopath. While the authorities and her family attempt to find her with no success, she is forced to mentally and physically outmaneuver her captor in an effort to stay alive and escape to safety.”

Sounds like this dumbass abducted the wrong woman. He’d have better luck going up against Trinidad’s infamous Rufous-vented chachalaca. (Watch that beak, dude.) I feel sorry for the sociopath.

SCARS OF XAVIER (2017)
“Xavier is a quiet 45-year-old man who lives in Prague. By day he works in a car wash service, but by night he is a brutal and vicious serial killer who primarily targets young women.”

A serial killer who preys on women. Two things — not original by any stretch of the imagination. Also, poor timing — women today, fed up with a-hole men, are about to take over the world. I’d go back to the car wash if I were you, X.

The Forest Gives You Wood

Two horror movies coming out in 2016, both having nearly the same title and subject. What are the odds? And yet, in Hollywood, this kind of thing happens all the time. Perhaps I should go there to buy my Lotto™ tickets.

So we have The Forest and The Forest of the Lost Souls being released in early 2016, with both using the Aokigahara Forest – a real place in Japan – as the framework for the ensuing horror. (Aokigahara, as featured on TV, is where despondent people go to commit suicide. Don’t go there to have a picnic because hey, dead people all over the place.)

So here’s the plot of The Forest: “A young American woman comes in search of her twin sister, who has mysteriously disappeared in the Aokigahara Forest. Despite everyone’s warnings not to “stray from the path,” Sara dares to enter the woods to discover the truth about her sister’s fate, only to be confronted by the angry and tormented souls of the dead who now prey on anyone who crosses their paths.”

Can’t blame the tormented souls of the dead being all ticked off ’n stuff; their final resting place is a flippin’ tourist attraction.

Next is The Forest of the Lost Souls set in Portugal: “The Forest of the Lost Souls is a dense and remote forest, Portugal’s most popular place for suicide. In a summer morning, two strangers meet within the woods. Carolina is an eccentric, unstable young girl who finds all things related to death are fun.”

“As bumping into each other puts them off killing themselves, they decide to go for a walk to discover The Forest of the Lost Souls and see what they will find. As they walk deeper into the woods, they get to know each other and become friends – but one of them is not being honest, one of them is a dark and horrible person.”

I’ve met a few dark and horrible people lately. Think I’ll buy ’em a map to Aokigahara Forest.

Speaking of, there was a previous Japanese movie about the unhappiest place on Earth called Forest of Death, which came out in 2007. (Hard-core fans of this here e-blog know I reviewed and posted it on July 13, 2013.) In that one the trees in Forest of Death can communicate on behalf of the dead. So what do the dead say through the interpretations of the leaves? Heck if I know – I don’t speak lawn clipping.