Super Smock, Heavy Metal Death, Grasshopper Man

Yahoo! Life™ recently posted an article by writer Eric Dias titled, The Complete Supergirl Costume History From the ’50s to The Flash. A daunting task given it also includes her costume evolution through the comic book/graphic novels and TV shows as well as movies. Well-researched as the article is (read it here), it didn’t scratch the surface of all the Multiverse Forever 21s™ Supergirl shops at. (Note of debatable importance: It also didn’t acknowledge the 1920s AI fan-made Supergirl on YouTube™, sporting white ensemble with gold belt and black boots. At least I think it’s those colors — it’s all in black and white, which were the colors of the day in the ’20s.)

The article also left out the first two iterations of TV Supergirl’s costume, designed by co-worker Winn Schott (cool name). Both were, um, rather stripped down before settling on the classic cape ‘n skirt version from the comic books and the Supergirl movie from 1984. Also not noted was the Supergirl “costume” worn by Laura Vandervoort in the coming-of-age superhero CW™ TV series, Smallville (2001 – 2011). Her outfit was exactly like the iconic supersuit, except she didn’t have a cape or an “S” on her chest, which didn’t need embellishment.

This brings us to 2023’s Supergirl in the upcoming (as of this writing) The Flash movie, with Sasha Calle as Kara Zor-El wearing a costume that combines the TV Supergirl’s casual Friday pant suit with that of Superman, whose been wearing the same duds since 1938.

So while we all go shopping online to get our Supergirl cosplay on, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you look fat…

DAY ZERO / May 23, 2023 (VOD), June 11, 2023 (Blu-ray/DVD)

“After serving eight incident-free years in prison, a former elite soldier is released, finally free to reunite with his estranged wife and young daughter. However, he re-enters civilization only to discover that the outside world has been completely overtaken by a dangerous virus with terrifying effects on the human body.”

What virus doesn’t have a dangerous effect on the body? I once caught smooth jazzitis after accidentally drinking a Zima™ from a dirty sippy cup (I thought it was vodka), but thanks to applied doses of Motörhead lozenges, I made a full recovery. 

DEATH METAL / May 30, 2023 (Blu-ray)

“A death metal band is on its last legs after a disastrous European tour and is about to be dropped by their label. Hiring a legendary producer from the Norwegian black metal scene, the band sets out to record their latest album in a remote farmhouse outfitted with top-of-the-line gear. Ivan, the lead guitarist, plans to record The Devil’s Concerto, a piece of music he brought back from Europe that — according to myth — drives audiences mad. What the band didn’t expect was that the myth was true, and they must now survive the curse that’s been unleashed.”

The Devil’s Concerto is played in the key of E(vil). Heh. Looking forward to the soundtrack as it includes concertos by Incantation, Cannibal Corpse, Shed the Skin, FaithXtractor, Embalmer, Nunslaughter, Blackfinger, The Convalescence, Prophecy of Azrael, and Casket Sacrifice. They all seem nice.

THE SOUND OF SUMMER / June 13, 2023 (Blu-ray)

In the relentless heat of the grueling summer, temperatures soar to blistering levels as cicadas emerge to sing their ear-shattering song. Months of continued exposure is enough to make anyone start to feel a little off. Anyone, that is, except that oddity the locals call the Cicada Man. Who is that strange man and why is he always walking around with boxes full of live cicadas? More important, what does he do with them? As the heat starts to get to our heroine, and her sanity depletes, real life and delusion begin to mix. Her darkest nightmares seep into our world and she fears the Cicada Man has planted his swarm of insects inside her. She must get them out — at all costs. Thus begins her downward spiral into extreme paranoia and self-mutilation.”

Cicada is just a fancy word for grasshopper. Still, they had me at “cicadas emerge to sing their ear-shattering song.” Wouldn’t have the same zing if it was “grasshoppers emerge to sing their ear-shattering song.”

THE HOPEWELL HAUNTING / June 16 2023 (VOD)

“When a mysterious and frightened young couple arrives in the small town of Hopewell, they immediately flee their rural, dilapidated home in terror. With nowhere to go, they turn to an elderly, jaded preacher for help. After he begrudgingly agrees to bless their troubled abode, he finds himself face to face with the unknown in what locals have dubbed the most haunted house in Kentucky.”

Kentucky, eh? Maybe they should call this The Amityville Hillbilly.

House of Bats, Weaponized Demons, Burlesque Vampires

The Flash has S.T.A.R. Labs. Superman has the Fortress of Solitude. Aquaman has an adult-sized clam shell with a seaweed lawn. But none of them can match the majesty of the caped crusader’s condo, the Batcave. Batman’s famous headquarters is where he has anti-crime computers, TVs, probably a fridge and even a private “bat room” when he needs to pinch some guano. And now you can own a Lego™ replica of the Batcave for a crime-busting $399.99. Called the Batcave™ – Shadow Box, this monolithic set comes with a Batmobile™ and even Alfred the Butler™.

From Lego’s™ website: “Adult enthusiasts can recreate the iconic Batcave™ from 1992’s Batman Returns movie with the LEGO® DC Batman™ Batcave – Shadow Box. This 3,981-piece tableau incorporates movable items, mini figures and a feature-rich Batmobile™ to produce a detailed and dynamic display piece that will captivate all who see it.” 

“Measuring over 20” wide, this Batcave tableau contains an assortment of authentic details, including movable items that can be controlled from the rear. Users can turn the chair, change the computer screen and open and close the tool store and illuminated Batsuit™ vault. For extra realism, a Batmobile with a variety of hands-on features is included along with 7 mini figures: Max Shreck, The Penguin™, Catwoman™, 2 versions of Batman, Alfred Pennyworth™ and Bruce Wayne™. For added convenience, a digital version of the set’s building instructions can be found on the LEGO Builder app.” Note to law-abiding citizens living in Gotham or not, the Batcave™ – Shadow Box officially goes on sale June 8, 2023. However, if you sign up to be a Lego™ VIP member, you can get early sale access on June 5, 2023. 

So while we all rush over to Lego.com and sign up (click this), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not feature a plastic butler…

GHOST / July 9, 2023 (POV Horror™, Wicked Horror TV™)

“A deadly religious cult begins weaponizing demonic entities — and it’s up to a band of church-funded mercenaries to take them down before they unleash Hell on Earth. When word of a Fallen Angel reaches the team, the stakes are raised and the fate of humanity rests on the shoulders of one man: Ghost.”

Deadly religious cults don’t practice safe sect.

BLOODY BRIDGET / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A Haitian voodoo deity transforms a burlesque dancer into a “Valentine vampire.” Blood only whets her appetite – she must eat her victims’ beating hearts!”

The problem with burlesque vampires is you still have to tip ’em.

THE DEVIL COMES AT NIGHT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

Ben, a washed-up boxer searching for his inheritance, must fight for his life when he is trapped in his deceased father’s farmhouse by a cannibal cult. With the help of Amy, the local librarian, he discovers the cult’s leader, Mason, has been hunting down his family for generations. And now his sights are set on Ben. Together, Ben and Amy come up with a plan to defeat the cult once and for all.

Cannibals form cults because they’re fed up with people. Heh.

THE BOOGEYMAN: THE ORIGIN OF THE MYTH / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A group of teenagers discover that the terrifying legend of The Boogeyman is real after the mysterious disappearances of several children in a small town.”

This one’s also known as El Hombre Del Saco. Wish I could have a cool name like Del Saco.

Monster Mercenary, Boogey Girl, Man of the Moth

The Witcher, a Netflix™ made-for TV adaptation of the book series by Polish writer Andrzej Sapkowski (that’s a really hard name to spell correctly on the first try), premiered December 20, 2019 and became a raging global success. It starred Superman as Geralt of Rivia, a medieval mutated monster-hunter for hire, and prominently featured a lot of sex and naked stuff, violencings, bloodenings, carnage asada and overall wholesome good times. Now we’re getting a third season (eight episodes) this summer, which I believe is sometime this year. I’ll double check.

Here’s the official word from Netflix™ as to what we’re promised for season 3: “As monarchs, mages, and beasts of the Continent compete to capture her, Geralt takes Ciri of Cintra into hiding, determined to protect his newly-reunited family against those who threaten to destroy it. Entrusted with Ciri’s magical training, Yennefer leads them to the protected fortress of Aretuza, where she hopes to discover more about the girl’s untapped powers; instead, they discover they’ve landed in a battlefield of political corruption, dark magic, and treachery. They must fight back, put everything on the line — or risk losing each other forever.”

I hope The Witcher season 3 keeps its foot on the nudity gas pedal, which I feel is important to the overall story arc. Other than that, looking forward to more die-kill-bleed monsters and swords gently removing heads from bodies. So while we all wait for its premier, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not feature political corruption, dark magic, treachery…and nudity…

COUNTRY OF HOTELS / May 26, 2023 (VOD)

“Desperate souls pass through the doors of 508, a room on the fifth floor of an anonymous, decaying hotel. They are taken on a surreal and blackly comic journey down its lonely corridors and behind its outdated furnishings and stained surfaces. The story plunges us into the ever-turning carousel of haunted lives who check in and out of this sinister establishment.”

Decaying rooms…outdated furnishings…stained surfaces. Did someone film a movie in my apartment whilst I was out enjoying multiple refreshing adult beverages?

BAD GIRL BOOGEY / July 4, 2023 (VOD)

“Angel’s mother was brutally murdered one Halloween night, when blood was shed by a deranged killer wearing a parasitic mask cursed with black magic and bigotry. Sixteen years later, when Angel’s best friend is slaughtered by a killer with the same mask, she must overcome her personal struggles, fight her fear, and find the masked killer before he — or it — slaughters everyone she holds dear.”

What the hell is a parasitic mask? Haven’t anyone heard of disinfectants? I get the black magic curse, but bigotry? Given how most people in this world are bigots, that seems pretty redundant.

WRONG REASONS / August 15, 2023 (VOD, DVD)

“An ambiguously intentioned masked man kidnaps a drug addicted punk rock singer and triggers a police investigation headed by Detective Charles Dobsonas well as a media circus.”

Punk rockers do drugs? I thought they could barely afford soap, let alone pricey non-prescription opiates.

PROJECT MOTHMAN / Pending crowdfunding 2023 (VOD)

No plot yet, but I’m theorizing it’ll have some sort of moth-like man, or man-like moth. Pretty sure I just landed on it.

Supersized Superheroes, Brain Suckers, Junkie Reptiles

There are superhero action figure fanatics and then there are mega superhero action figure fanatics. If you’re one of the latter, get ready to soil yourself: XM Studios™, makers of highly-coveted superhero models, have come out with a monolithic Justice League VS Darkseid diorama. Assembled, the stunningly detailed diorama will give your face an aghast expression. Kinda like shocked, but with more spit cup drool. 

From their website: “XM Studios™ is excited to present our 1:6 DC EPIC DIORAMA series, Justice League VS Darkseid! An epic battle scene diorama all DC fans should have in their collection, Justice League comprising of Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman, The Flash, Aquaman, Green Lantern and Martian Manhunter engages in battle with one of Justice League’s main adversary and one of the most powerful being in the DC Multiverse, Darkseid.” 

A few specs: Limited to 338 pieces, the dimensions of this couch-sized diorama are 41.33” long x 30.70” wide x 33.46” tall and comes in three boxes, shipping from Singapore for $1,350.00. Not surprising given the combined weight of 116.85 lbs. Scary, but not as much as the price: $3,299.00. That’s the same for the color (or “colour”) and aged bronze versions (Limited to 100 pieces). Buy ’em here.

And while you’re trying to decide whether or not your car needs all that space in the garage that could be used to showcase this epic diorama, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may not have had a film budget of the Justice League diorama price tag…

SUCCUBA / Out now (Tubi™)

“An evil presence attaches to a lonely widower who intends to guard it for as long as he can.”

This happens all the time to the pension drunks who live at the Tug Tavern.

MIND LEECH / Out now (VOD)

“A very persuasive Leech is wreaking havoc in rural Provinstate, 1998. On a mission to expand its horizons, our influential invertebrate enlists the help of the local townsfolk. The police are soon on the tail of our pesky parasite.”

According to some flora ‘n fauna website I happened across, leeches are chiefly aquatic carnivorous or bloodsucking annelid worms. The leeches in my life don’t look like annelid worms (okay, some do), but they certainly are bloodsucking. And money-sucking. And energy-sucking. And suck-sucking.

CARNAL MONSTERS / February 28, 2023 (DVD,VOD)

“A group of friends go out for a day to cheer themselves up and come across the unconscious bodies of two girls outside of a nuclear facility. But the two girls turn out to be mad killers and they turn the pleasant day out into a nightmare. And did we mention the poison gas that was created by a mad scientist?”

Going out for the day to cheer themselves up with unconscious bodies outside a nuclear facility. Apparently, I’ve been doing this relaxing thing all wrong. 

ATTACK OF THE METH GATOR / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“ A tweaker gator snorts up its stash and goes on a unacceptable social behavior rampage while looking to score. Things get even worse when Cocaine Bear shows up to do a few rails with the agitated alligator and all holy hell ensues. Spoiler alert: Detox Donkey makes a small, but essential cameo.”

The plot is fake, but the movie is real. Once again, Asylum Studios™ ripping off — and probably igniting — a flood of horror movies about drugged up animals. What’s next — OxyContin Owl? Ritalin Raccoon? Percoset Penguin?

Heavy Metal Superhero, Sideshow Slaughter, Poltergeist Motel

In Dark Nights: Death Metal five-year graphic novel story arc, Wonder Woman zooms off to New Apokolips to rescue Superman from the Darkfather’s torture machine. (That guy is so mean.) But while there, the Darkseid-infected Supe grew long hair (not quite to space hippie length) and achieved lightning fast fingers that would please not only Wonder Woman but fans of thrash metal guitar solos as well. Now you can get an actual figurine of this Death Metal Superman, which comes with two faces: “smooth jazz” and “I’ll Kill Youuuuuu!”

From ShiokToys.com website: “Prime 1 Studio is extremely proud and stoked to present yet another head-banging piece, joining our Museum Masterline, the 1:3 Scale Death Metal Superman Deluxe Version from Dark Nights: Death Metal. The Death Metal Superman Deluxe Version comes with two (2) additional heads bearing different expressions as well as two (2) display headstands so that you can choose to display your Death Metal Superman with the most metal look possible, whether you want him with an angry look or a stern look, screaming or teeth clenching, this Deluxe Version has got you covered!”

Death Metal Superman’s expected release date is the second quarter of 2024, but you can pre-order it here. That’s the good news. The price, set in Malaysian currency, is MYR7,646.00. The conversion to US smackos brings it to…$1,764.80! That’ll put your wallet in a torture machine. 

So while we see if Bruce Wayne will spot us the fun coupons to get one these things, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not have death metal OR space hippies in ’em…

THE UNHEARD / March 31, 2023 (Shudder™)

“After undergoing an experimental procedure to restore her damaged hearing, 20-year-old Chloe Grayden begins to suffer from auditory hallucinations seemingly related to the mysterious disappearance of her mother.”

Her damaged hearing can be blamed on listening to Motörhead. Her auditory hallucinations can also be blamed on…you guessed it — Motörhead.

WHERE THE DEVIL ROAMS / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“Set during Depression-era America, the film follows a family of murderous sideshow performers as they travel the dying carnival circuit.”

The reason the carnival circuit is dying is because of the murderous sideshow performers. Just pointing out the obvious, here.

DADDY’S HEAD / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A boy and his recently widowed step mother find themselves in fear for their lives after they are visited by a disturbing creature that appears as a grotesque and horrifying version of the boy’s recently deceased father.”

If that happened to me, mom would need to buy me new pajamas.

BOOGEYMAN: REINCARNATION / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“It’s Halloween. Jenny is babysitting a little boy at the hotel where the boy’s parents are staying. A group of friends decide to take advantage of the situation and see the opportunity to celebrate a party at the hotel. Jenny agrees. But then they are terrorized by a ghost.”

Ghosts on a budget usually terrorize motels. Ghosts with disposable income always go for hotels. That’s how you can tell ghosts from each other. That’s the way I do it, anyway.

Nightmare Travel Host, Evil Easter, Heartless Operation

Freddy Krueger on The Travel Channel™? Book me a seat! Actually, it’s Freddy Krueger actor, Robert Englund. But Clark Kent is still Superman, no matter if he’s wearin’ the cape or not.

Shadows of History, the six episode series, premiers sometime in 2019, which, unless you frequently time-travel, is this year. From the press release: “In each episode, the Nightmare on Elm Street star will track down the story behind a bizarre or mysterious account printed in an American newspaper in the past. He will enlist historians and scholars to get to the truth behind the reports.” You can hear Englund in his best Freddy voice intro each show — “I’m your travel agent now!”

While we wait for Robert Englund to appear on Expedia.com commercials, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as terrifying as The Travel Channel™…

MADE ME DO IT (April 12, 2019)
“After a lifetime of abuse and rejection, a man finds unconditional love when he dons a mask called Barbara. But Barbara has an all-consuming taste for murder, as a college student and her little brother are about to discover.”

Most lonely guys would find unconditional love with an inflatable sex doll. Doesn’t seem like a mask would fulfill all his…needs. Whatever — love the one your with.

CHAMBERS (April 26, 2019/Netflix™)
“Nancy is the mother of the heart donor who forges a hesitant relationship with the young recipient only to find out her daughter may not be as dead as she thought.”

That’s pretty heartless. Okay, that came out wrong. So am I reading into this correctly — mom gave away her daughter’s heart before said daughter was done using it? She could get cardiac arrested for that. C’mon, that was funny. Geez…

ROTTENTAIL (April 12, 2019 |Theatrical | April 26, 2019 | DVD)
“Adapted from the graphic novel, Rottentail is the story of geeky fertility researcher Peter Cotton who, when bitten by a mutant rabbit, transforms into a vengeance-seeking half-man/half-bunny. What’s a boy to do? Why, take a hippity, hoppity trip home of course! Peter begins a bloody killing spree that culminates in his childhood hometown of Easter Falls.”

There have been an overflowing basket full of horror Easter movies (including the documentaries) before this one: Easter Bunny Bloodbath (2004), Kottentails (2004), Peter Rottentail (2004), Serial Rabbit (2005), Easter Bunny Kill Kill (2006), Serial Rabbit 3: Splitting Hares (2009), Bunnyman (2011), Easter Casket (2013), Easter Sunday (2014), Beasterday: Here Comes Peter Cottonhell (2014), Serial Rabbit V: The Epic Hunt (2017), and Bunnyman Vengeance (2017). There’s probably more, but you’ll have to…hunt…for them. Heh.

ACHOURA (2019)
“Four kids have fun at frightening one another and decide to go explore a condemned and probably haunted house. One of them disappears in mysterious circumstances. The three survivors try to forget, until Samir reappears 25 years later. The group will eventually have to confront the past.”

I didn’t know what Achoura was, so I clicked it up. It’s a Moroccan religious celebration where children splash water on each other. Way to ruin playtime in a backyard pool with religion, Morocco. 

Native American Superheroes, Foreign Earthquakes, Monster Puppets

Came across the fantastic, minimalist sci-fi/fantasy art of artist, Jeffrey Veregge, and his pretty dang funny intro to his bio: “My origins are not supernatural, nor have they been enhanced by radioactive spiders. I am simply a Native American artist and writer whose creative mantra in best summed up with a word from my tribe’s own language as: “tačaxétəŋ”, which means, “get into trouble.” (Note to Mr. Veregge — I probably screwed up your tribe’s language on that one — please don’t kill me in half.)

Jeffrey Veregge is a member of the Port Gamble S’Klallam Tribe and his Native American artistic stylings cast guys like Batman, Superman and Spider-man into refreshing new interpretations. And hey, put a .com after his name and go see all the other incredible art he does.

Before we all go back to the art store to return unused art supplies because we’re not even in the ballpark of Jeffrey’s artistic talent (there’s always a bathroom that needs cleaning), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not insult Native Americans…

A BREATH AWAY (February 1, 2019)
“Parents are desperately trying to save their daughter from a deadly toxic mist that has engulfed Paris after an earthquake. Only those lucky enough to escape to the rooftops of the city were able to survive; their daughter, who suffers from a genetic condition requiring her to live in a hermetic box that filters the air, is trapped below.”

If ever there was a situation that could be referred to as “f’d in the b-hole,” this is it. As for the toxic mist engulfing Paris after an earthquake, I bet it was all the Parisians simultaneously fright-farting their britches off during said natural disaster. What follows next is aftershocks and butt-croissants.

VELVET BUZZSAW (February 1, 2019/Netflix™)
“After a series of paintings by an unknown artist are discovered, a supernatural force enacts revenge on those who have allowed their greed to get in the way of art.”

Velvet Buzzsaw is also a sex term used by dirty-minded people. I don’t know why I know that.

KAIJU CONFIDENTIAL (2019)
“Grigon’s not the toughest beast on the block, but he’s certainly the most neurotic. When he discovers the legendary Mega-Hydra rampaging on his turf, it becomes a stand-off of passive-aggressive proportions.”

This looks like a puppet show. And we all know what is shoved up the ass-end of a puppet.

Super Girlfriends, Family Werewolf, Murder Cabins

After nearly four years of battling aliens and her chaotic love life, Supergirl (on CW) has not only added Superman (Tyler Hoechlin — Season 3/nice teeth), but now, after countless references to his relentless relationship with Lois Lane, we’ll finally get to see her actual face and relentless reporter skills during Elseworlds, the three-night crossover (relentlessly mentioned in this blog by someone who looks a lot like me) coming December, 2018 on Supergirl, The Flash and Arrow. (Geez, that was a run-on sentence.) This got me thinking (had to wirelessly beer-charge the ‘ol Cracker Jack box™ that is my brain) to do a Lois Lane inventory.

While the prize-winning investigative journalist has been recast relentless times in comic books (I conservatively think there were 1.2 million versions), Lois Lane has been portrayed at least 10 times, if you count Joan Alexander, the voice of Lois on radio (TV screen without a screen) from 1940 to 1951. (And you thought kryptonite was Superman’s only weakness.) His rotating girlfriends include Noell Neill, Phyllis Coates, Margot Kidder, Teri Hatcher, Erica Durance, Kate Bosworth, Uma Thurman (playing the fake Lois Lane on the “Superhero Speed Dating” segment in Movie 43/2013), Amy Adams, and now in Supergirl, Elizabeth Tulloch. That’s a lot of Valentine’s Day candy Superman had/has to buy.

To illustrate just how super Superman’s girlfriend is, she was in 137 issues of DC’s Superman’s Girlfriend, Lois Lane from, 1958 to 1974. (Dang, that was a redundant sentence.) Then she had a front and center role in Lois Lane, her own comic book title, from 1962 to 1965 and was DC Comics’ third best-selling funny book during those funny years.

So while we wait to welcome the newest Lois Lane to Superman’s little black book, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worthy of Superman’s Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder…

END OF THE WORLD (available now)
“As mass of solar storms causes tsunamis, volcanoes, and flooding, a city-dwelling family attempts to flee to the relative safety of a group of high-elevation caves several miles away.”

The cover of the DVD depicts Seattle’s iconic Space Needle being kicked in the struts and falling down upon the city where I live and drink. This sucks as they just completed the Space Needle’s remodel of installing a transparent floor 605 feet up. Unless the pervs down below have binoculars, all you ladies wearing skirts while visiting the Needle won’t have to worry.

ALPHA WOLF (available now)
“A couple moves into a secluded cabin in an attempt to salvage their relationship and finds their world torn apart when the husband transforms into a murderous werewolf. Things grow more bizarre when the family dog leaps in to save the wife and suffers his own transformation.”

I guess the cabin trip was to hopefully reconcile that time the wife threw Nair™ on her husband’s face during an argument on whether or not to use silver bullets in the family repeating shotgun. Those things tend to get worse if not talked through before a full moon.

MOTHER KRAMPUS 2 (available now)
On Christmas Eve four young women wrap up their community service with one last visit to the older and less fortunate. As darkness falls and the cold settles in, they realize there is far more to their seemingly innocent host than meets the eye.”

I bet the seemingly innocent host is Mother Krampus. Just a hunch.

THE CABIN (December 4, 2018)
Young American couple, Rose and Harry are on their way to visit Harry’s family cabin, both as a nostalgic vacation and as a way to rekindle their relationship. But they’re not the only one that decided to visit the cabin this weekend. The vacation is quickly turned into a living nightmare for Rose and Harry as they meet a vicious sociopath, who invites them into a involuntary cat and mouse game.”

Why is it remote cabins are where married couples go to fix relationships? Everybody knows that’s where murderous werewolves and/or vicious sociopaths go to shoot fish in a barrel.

A Slew of Superheroes, Devil Sex, Heavy Metal Babysitters

The ratings winning CW Network is heavily pushing Elseworlds, a crossover event that takes place on December 9, 2018 on The Flash, continuing on December 10, 2018 on Arrow (as in Green Arrow), and concluding on December 11, 2018 on Supergirl. I know what I’ll be doing for three days in December.

This one’s gonna be epic as it finally introduces Lois Lane (Superman’s “friends with benefits”), Batgirl (insert excited slobbering here), and the returning John Wesley Shipp, who played Jay Garrick in The Flash as a multiverse speedster. He seems nice.

Here’s the upsell: The Flash and Arrow switch pants. Then they change their clothes again — as does Superman — to all black. (I’ve been doing that for years.) And just when you think it could be any more mind-bending, John Wesley Shipp appears as The Flash in his old costume from when he played the Flash back in the 1990 TV series and will be called Barry Allen. My mind is a fried egg right now.

In the new Flash series, Shipp played Henry Allen, Barry’s dad, and was killed by Flash nemesis, Zoom. (Weird to have a metahuman named after a breakfast cereal.) Now he’s back to play the Flash like he did before his hair turned grey.

There’s lots more happening in Elseworlds, so don’t think of any of this as spoilers, but rather Fritos™ and bean dip before the big dinner. But before you go to the store to stock up on Fritos™ and bean dip, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not give you grey hair…

LUCIFERINA (November 20, 2018/DVD | December 4, 2018 / Digital HD)
“Natalia is a 19-year-old who reluctantly returns home to say goodbye to her dying father. But when she meets up with her sister and her friends, she decides instead to travel the jungle in search of a mystical plant. Instead of pleasure, they find a world of Black Masses, strange pregnancies, bloody deaths and perhaps, a sexually violent clash with the Devil himself.”

A sexually violent clash with the Devil. That’s a lot to unpack. Think this one came out last March, 2108 in some country that is foreign to me. But hey, Devil sex, magic plants, black masses — no doubt you could find those things in any civilized country/bowling alley.

GHOST IN THE GRAVEYARD (2018/2019)
A small town comes under the thumb of Martha, a vengeful ghost who returns to haunt the children who witnessed her death during a game of Ghost in the Graveyard in their youth. Long blamed for the accident, Sally Sullivan must figure out why Martha has returned and how to get her to rest in peace for good. As the mystery of her return unravels, deep secrets are revealed that will have consequences for everyone involved.”

Back from the dead, revenge, murder, blah, blah, bah. This premise is so overdone, it’s like dry meatloaf — and there’s not enough ketchup in the world to make it taste any better. For a slightly better version, try Darkness Falls (2003). That one has a teen in it.

SHED OF THE DEAD (2019)
Trevor is between jobs. He spends his days avoiding his nagging wife by hiding out in his allotment shed and painting figurines for his war-games with his agoraphobic friend, Graham, and dreaming of his heroic alter-ego, the battle mage Casimir the Destroyer. When Mr. Parsons, one of the other allotment tenants, petitions to have Trevor removed from his disgrace of a plot (he’s not there to grow stuff!) an argument ensues that leaves Trevor with a corpse to hide. Unfortunately, this untimely accident coincides with the zombie apocalypse and Mr Parsons’ return is just the beginnings of Trevor’s problems. More pressing is whether or not he should try and save his wife and her beautiful best friend, who both he and Graham have a thing for.

Yeow, what a hot mess of a plot. Only thing missing is dry meatloaf.

BABYSITTER MASSACRE: HEAVY METAL (in production)
“Billy Dragg breaks things off with his girlfriend and subsequently goes on a murder spree. But is he in control, or is the ghost of Viper, a dead heavy metal superstar, influencing Billy’s actions?”

Push in your stool — this will take a minute. The guy who brought us 2013’s Babysitter Massacre is not done massacring temp rental guardians. Babysitter Massacre II: Slay Bells takes place around Christmas, a few weeks after the first movie. Then follows Babysitter Massacre III: Overnight, starring a different slasher. Anything worth doing is worth overdoing, hence Babysitter Massacre: Heavy Metal. These were all funded by Kickstarter™, so don’t expect a lot of different knives or clothes. Not sure what a ghost of a heavy metal superstar has to do with changing diapers, but hey, might as well come at it with that fabled open mind people keep telling me to use.

TV Superheroes, Wooden Evil, Bad Babies

Cracking up over the “cover story” of the Daily Planet (where Superman as Clark Kent works for minimum wage) about superheroes uniting to protect the Earth. Whoever mocked this up is a flippin’ genius and probably drinks a lot of smart water.

The article is “written” by Lois Lane. So awesome. But it’s the photo of Superman (George Reeves), Batman (Adam West), Robin (Burt Ward) Wonder Woman (Lynda Carter) and Aquaman (Lloyd Bridges) that’s even better because none of these heroes overlapped in the same time/universe. Conclusive proof: Adventures of Superman aired from 1952 — 1958. Batman aired from 1966 — 1968. Wonder Woman aired from 1975 — 1979. And Sea Hunt (here’s the genius part) aired from 1958 — 1961. Outside of a pilot episode that sunk faster than a heavy metal clam, there was no Aquaman TV series. There was, however, a cartoon series that ran from 1967 — 1970, so someone cast former United States Navy frogman Mike Nelson (Lloyd Bridges) as the scuba-doo underwater hero (Sea Hunt ran for 155 episodes). That he was depicted as Aquaman (in his original DC Comics suit) is full-on brilliant. P.S. Aquaman was punked by Man From Atlantis, which ran from 1977 — 1978, and featured a guy with “amphibious abilities.” That is so low tide.

While I go to Metropolis to get a copy of the Daily Planet and frame it, here’s a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be worthy of a Lois Lane cover story…

BLOOD CHILD (available now)
“After suffering a devastating miscarriage in Singapore, Ashley turns to a witch doctor to help her with the occult practice of raising a ‘ghost child’ and finding the spirit of her lost child. After returning to the States, Ashley and her husband Bill find themselves pregnant again. However, their happiness is short lived as the pregnancy acts as a catalyst for a series of terrifying events that start to occur within their home. The family soon learns that Ashley has brought back a lot more than just memories from Asia. The spirit of their lost child is not about to play second fiddle to the impending new arrival, and unleashes an unspeakable evil upon the household.”

YET ANOTHER evil kid birth movie. Start with Rosemary’s Baby (1968) and go from there. So what do you feed the little home wrecker — Gerber’s™ Demon Peas? (Their strained Hell bananas, though, are to die for. No pun intended.)

ROOTWOOD (2018)
“Students Jessica and William are hosting The Spooky Hour, a podcast about paranormal phenomena and urban legends, when they’re hired by the Hollywood film producer Laura Benott to produce a horror documentary about the Curse of the Wooden Devil. They smell a chance to become famous. Together with their friend Erin they enter Rootwood Forest and investigate the area to find out the truth about the Wooden Devil and his victims.”

Sounds like YET ANOTHER Blair Witch Project (1999) knock-off/rip-off. What if they get there, only to find out the Wooden Devil is just handmade birdhouse? We can only hope satanic seagulls live in it.

THE WIND (2018)
“A supernatural thriller set in the Western frontier of the late 1800s, where a plains-woman is driven mad by the harshness and isolation of the untamed land.”

She’s not looking at the plus side of living way out in the middle of nowhere. No traffic, noisy neighbors and plenty of flesh-eating buffalo to play fetch with and occasionally rub their fuzzy bellies (they really like that). Sounds like a slice of Heaven to me.

ISABELLE (2019)
“An all-American couple dream of starting a family is shattered after they move into the perfect New England neighborhood. Once settled, they soon after descend into the depths of terror as they struggle to survive a genuine threat from a dark presence that appears to want to end their very lives.”

Though this one was originally titled, The Wanting, it should’ve been called The Republicans. It also describes me in a dive bar, or “unkempt tavern.”