Meatloaf Monster

The Godmonster of Indian Flats (1973) is neither. He/she/its an 8-foot mutant sheep born of the poisonous mustard-colored gas seeping from Virginia City’s old mine outside of Reno, Nevada, The Biggest Little City In The World™. (The have loose craps there.)

The town’s historical/hysterical mayor wants to capture the misshapen creature and sell tickets to see this “Eighth Wonder of the World.” Hello — King Kong™ already owns that title, dumbass.

Professor Clemens and his plain-as-paint assistant Mariposa want to study the creature. Eddie, a down-on-his-luck shepherd, is standing by as he was the one who found the beast when it was just the size of a glistening meatloaf, claiming ownership. And Godmonster, kept in a glass incubator with mustard-colored gas being pumped in, grows about a foot a day. In height, not as in needing an extra shoe.

Unfortunately, most of the movie is spent on an African-American real estate broker who is looking to buy the old mine for his clients, but meets resistance from the town’s old school ways. Mayor Silverdale is a racist and sets up Barnstable (the real estate dude — awful name) for a crime he didn’t commit just so he and his cronies can hunt it down and throw an old fashioned Texas necktie party.

But Godmonster will not stand for such social prejudices. Breaking out of his confines, he shambles across the land, looking like the world’s most disgusting laundry basket with an oatmeal face. Mariposa, who raised him from the toaster oven, tracks the butt-ugly beast in hopes of convincing it to return to the lab. Of the numerous you-gotta-be-kidding-me scenes, it’s the one where Mariposa starts dancing with Godmonster as she tries to calm him down. Where’s mustard-colored gas when you need it?

Two more scenes of mess destruction occur when the creature crashes a little girl’s outdoor birthday party, resulting in the dropping of hot dog and the scattering of potato chip. The second one is slightly more graphic, and ends with a gas station being blown up. If you’re gonna roast hot dogs, now would be the time to do it. 

Eventually GM is surrounded by cowboys on horseback, hog-tied and put on display for profit. As Mayor Silverdale whips the crowd into a frenzy, they turn on him — and Godmonster, too. Guilt by association. Apparently, the slow-leaking gas affects humans just as much. Think of it as farting times a million.

Godmonster, caught in the middle of it all, ends up in the garbage dump. All he wanted to do was rock hard and ride free, but The Man wouldn’t let him. I think there is a lesson to be learned here. If only I knew what it was.

Rock Horror Lottery, Time-Traveling Sharks,Trained Zombies

As first reported by Bloody-Disgusting.com, horror shock rock icon Alice Cooper is now featured on scratch-to-win Lottery™ tickets in his home state of Arizona. (Probably where he gets his stage snakes. I hear you can practically trip over ’em in Arizona.)

The measure of success used to be to get your face on a postal stamp. But being on a Lotto scratch card seems a more appropriate way to honor the rock star who had a hit album called Billion Dollar Babies back in 1973 (way to tie-in, Arizona!), and paved the road for others like Rob Zombie and Marilyn Manson by pioneering the theater use of said (live) pythons, dead babies (song title and plastic prop), an onstage guillotine execution, a hangman’s noose, a ride on an electric chair, and tons of horror imagery and zombie stuff.

The Alice Cooper Lotto tickets went live in Arizona on August 7, 2018 and will continue to be purchasable through Halloween, 2018. From the press release: “There are six top prizes of $50,000 each, with second-chance prizes that range from Alice Cooper memorabilia to VIP tickets and pre-show party access to the legendary rocker’s annual Christmas Pudding concert.” (Note: The album came with a “billion dollar” bill in the packaging. Been trying to spend it every since. Guess I’ll have to buy more than one microwaved hot dog as it appears 7-Eleven™ just doesn’t appear to have enough correct change.)

While we all wait for our turn to have our printed faces scratched off with the edge of a quarter (a penny works, too), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that you may or may not want to scratch off your viewing list…

THE LAST SHARKNADO: IT’S ABOUT TIME (August 19, 2018/SyFy™ Channel)
In the sixth and final installment of the series, Fin will travel back in time in a Sharknado-turned-time-machine to resurrect his family by stopping the first sharknado that started it all. In his quest, Fin will fight dinosaurs, knights, cowboys, and, of course, sharks. This time, it’s not a question of how to stop the sharknados — it’s when!”

Gotta give ‘em props for the movie title, as it perfectly sums up the thankful END of one of the most overplayed (and dumb) horror movie franchises of all time. And this coming from a guy who loves shark movies. Looks like they’re gonna go out with style, what with time-travel, dinosaurs, knights, cowboys (just repeating the press release here) and, of course, sharks that fall from the sky like faulty airplanes. Good for them. Now go away.

LIZZIE (September 14, 2018)
“Chloë Sevigny stars as Lizzie Borden, the notorious woman at the heart of one of the most enduring mysteries in American history. After a lifetime of loneliness, Lizzie finds a kindred spirit in housemaid Bridget Sullivan (Kristen Stewart) and their secret intimacy sparks an unthinkable act. The movie explores the days leading up to the savage crimes in a dark tale of repression, exploitation and thwarted dreams.”

Back in the good ‘ol days of 1892, Lizzie Borden, the spinster daughter of Andrew Jackson Borden and Sarah Anthony Borden (what are the odds they both have the same last name?), was infamously charged with axe-to-the-head-multiple-times on said husband and wife double murder. Lizzie was arrested as a prime suspect, but later deemed innocent by the court and let go, presumably to open an axe store (poor timing, but good prices from what I hear).

This grisly, unsolved murder led to more than a few movie treatments and remakes over the years. But Lizzie — a women’s spin on the subject — brings a whole new perspective, implying that Lizzie had a girlfriend and they both plotted — and executed (sorry) — the de-parenting. For another interesting look at Lizzie Borden, the Jason Voorhees of the late 1800s, check out Lizzie Borden Took An Axe (2014) with Christina Ricci as the chilling and non-emotional portrayal of the world’s first hacker. Personally, I though it was the mailman who performed the crime, based on absolutely no proof whatsoever. I just trust my gut stuff.

REDCON-1 (September 28, 2018/UK)
“After a zombie apocalypse spreads from a London prison, the UK is brought to its knees. The spread of the virus is temporarily contained but, without a cure, it’s only a matter of time before it breaks its boundaries and the biggest problem of all…any zombies with combat skills are now enhanced. With the South East of England quarantined from the rest of the world using fortified borders, intelligence finds that the scientist responsible for the outbreak is alive and well in London. With his recovery being the only hope of a cure, a squad of eight Special Forces soldiers is sent on a suicide mission to the city, now ruled by the undead, with a single task: get him out alive within 72 hours by any means necessary. What emerges is an unlikely pairing on a course to save humanity against ever-rising odds.”

So the dead come back to life with all their previous life skills. I guess when it’s my turn to go to the great couch in the sky, I’ll come back LOADED (heh) with years of accrued beer drinking abilities. The world as you know it won’t stand a chance. Sucks to be everybody but me.

SLAUGHTERHOUSE RULEZ (October 31, 2018/UK | 2018/2019 US)
Slaughterhouse is an elite boarding school where boys and girls are groomed for power and greatness and they’re about to meet their match. Don Wallace, is a wide-eyed new boy from a modest background forced to navigate a baffling new world of arcane rules and rituals, presided by sadistic sixth formers. Matters of status are aggressively enforced and conversation with school goddess Clemsie, are strictly forbidden. But this ancient and ordered world is about to be shaken to its foundations — literally — when a controversial frack site on prize school woodland causes seismic tremors, a mysterious sinkhole and an unspeakable horror is unleashed. Soon a new pecking order will be established as pupils, teachers and the school matron become locked in a bloody battle for survival.”

Holy frack — an unspeakable horror comes out of a resulting sinkhole? I bet the quakes busted the boarding school’s sewer line. P.S. Resist the urge to compare this one with this same-named 2004 short, The Slaughter House Rules. That one was only 13 minutes long and from what I hear, did not feature a busted sewer line spewing liquefied leavings all over everyone’s faces and/or clean shirts. That’d be really icky if they did.

Gunslingers vs. Bloodflingers

Billy The Kid vs. Dracula (1966) — seems like a match-up match made in heaven: cowboys ’n capes. Not much of a versus, though, when bullets — the tried ’n true methodology of Old West gunslinger Billy The Kid — have about as much effect on Dracula as mosquitoes do on to buffalo home on the range. 

Dracula, traveling to fresh, out west blood supplies by stagecoach, seizes an opportunity to impersonate a hot chick’s uncle after Indians slaughtered the passengers. (The gruesome stuff not shown.) The hot chick just happens to be the fiancée of Billy The Kid, who changed his name to simply William because he’s totally p*ssywhipped.

Dracula, smoother in life than the rubber bat he transforms himself to get around in, f’d up earlier by sucking to death the daughter of traveling Russian immigrants. The grieving parents get jobs at the Bentley Ranch (owned by ’ol Hot Chick Bentley), and do their best to keep Dracula away from Elizabeth (aka, Hot Chick) who just happens to look exactly like Dracula’s ex. I know, a bit plot messy. Stay with the group.

A few face punches, some “meh” gun play (I expected more from B the K), and zero blood and/or graphic displays of neck-sucking. And Dracula, with his rolling eyeballs and late night behavior, is more hammy than a barnyard pig. I expected more from a over-pontificating creature of the night.

Old West Paranormal Justice

Three 1800s era outlaw cowboys (two with unbrushed cowboy teeth, one with an Adam Ant coat) kill a man and his son, rapes the wife, and pretty much ruins their day. The cowboys then ride into town and start hacking hands off people, shooting them in the face, arms and neck, and drink all the town’s White Zinfandel.

Later, the woman who was violated wanders into the same town the bad cowboys have taken over. What are the odds of that happening? But there’s something weird about this woman — and it’s not the fact she has brushed teeth and everybody else doesn’t. There’s an eerie high-pitched buzzing sound that goes off like a clearance-sale smoke alarm whenever the head cowboy wearing the Adam Ant coat gets near her.

More vicious assaults happen, complimented by schoolyard swearing. For instance, the town’s 90 year-old judge tells the bad cowboys to go “F” themselves, and gets blasted into Swiss cheese for his insubordinate language. The bad cowboys grow in numbers. The town is in shambles. Where is Aquaman when you need him?

The answer arrives in a long-haired, black hat-wearing, no-talking cowboy with a melted face (nope, not Jonah Hex or Aquaman) who draws his gun so fast, you can’t see it. From here you know what’s in store for those who would infect the Old West with so much wrongness. Everyone gets a heapin’ helping of justice, the town undertaker has job security, and wagon trains of much needed toothpaste is on the way.

In all, Legend of the Phantom Rider (aka, Trigon: The Legend of Pelgidium/2002) is full of harsh, old time-y violence that’ll make you wince. Too bad the eerie melty cowboy didn’t have flaming tumbleweeds shoot out his mouth and fry those bad guys. I really would’ve liked that. As it is, a decent enough paranormal spin on the Western theme.

Bowling Trophy Worthy Sci-Fi & Horror

Even though The Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror Films was founded in 1972 to honor, recognize and promote genre films, NOT ONCE have they called me to accept a bowling trophy-esque shelf ornament during their annual Saturn Awards for Excellence in the Field of Horror/Sci-Fi Blogging. I feel this is a form of snob celebrity elitism. (The bag boys at the grocery store pull rank on me as well.)

Regardless of their humiliating oversight, the Saturn Awards, taking place June 22, 2016 in Burbank, CA, looks to acknowledge the horror/sci-fi/fantasy/misc. genres with metric tons of movie stars, directors, writers and complimentary shrimp platters with cocktail sauce for dipping. And since they have a million nominating categories, I’ve picked a few to see whose in line for winning a bowling trophy-esque award.

And the nominees (with my predicted winners) are…

BEST FILM SPECIAL/VISUAL EFFECTS
• Avengers: Age of Ultron – How in the heck do they make Iron Man fly? Surely he must weigh, like, a metric ton.

• Jurassic World – Dinosaurs dishing out dino sores. Awesome, though we’ve seen it three times before.

• Mad Max: Fury Road – Best road rage action since your morning commute.

• The Martian – Zillow™ is already pricing profiling Mars’ real estate.

• Star Wars: The Force Awakens – It had to be mind-blowing because they need to keep milking the money-printing franchise.

• Ex Machina – Winner

Best usually means who had the budget to afford all those pricey eyeball delights. While each one of these should win, I’m going with smaller budgeted Ex-Machina because it shows up close and personal full front/back/top/bare bottom female nudity. So what if it’s a naked chick robot encased in synthetic bubble wrap? If you were stranded on a desert island with one, it wouldn’t be an issue.

BEST HORROR FILM RELEASE
• Crimson Peak – Visually stylish ghost story, but the boos needed more booze.

• Insidious: Chapter 3 – No.

• It Follows – Yes.

• Krampus – Kinda.

• The Visit – Sorta.

• What We Do in the Shadows – Winner

Made by the Flight of the Concords comedy troupe, What We Do In the Shadows is the best vampire movie since Let The Right One In (2008) and 30 Days of Night/2007.(My opinion only, based on recommended daily doses of sweet and refreshing adult beverages.)

BEST INDEPENDENT FILM RELEASE
• 99 Homes – I didn’t see the first 98 homes, so…

• Cop Car – I see enough of them as it is.

• Experimenter – Didn’t have enough money to experiment with the movie ticket price, so…

• Room – Didn’t see it.

• Trumbo– Didn’t see it.

• Bone Tomahawk – Winner

Cannibals versus cowboys, hands down Bone Tomahawk starring Kurt Russell should win, if only for the movie’s last 15 minutes alone. Haven’t seen it? I double dog dare you to get through the last 15 minutes without your pants squirming up into your poo portal.

BEST INTERNATIONAL FILM RELEASE
• The 100 Year-Old-Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared – Dumb title. Didn’t want to see it.

• Goodnight Mommy – Potentially.

• Labyrinth of Lies – Didn’t see it.

• Legend – Didn’t see it.

• Turbo Kid – Seriously?

• The Wave – Winner

Based on an actual event that happened before you were born, The Wave is a Norwegian disaster film about a small community situated on a fjord about to be swallowed by a 250-foot mega tsunami, the result of a mega landslide. The wild wave itself is quite spectacular, but it’s the testicle-tightening lead up and post-wave t*tty-twisting that delivers the groceries.

BEST SCIENCE FICTION FILM RELEASE
• Ex Machina – Nudity is not science fiction.

• Jurassic World – Is DNA cloning science fiction? I think not.

• The Martian – This movie was based on science fact, which negates fiction.

• Star Wars: The Force Awakens – It’s not fiction in the minds of Star Wars nerds.

• Terminator: Genisys – No.

• Mad Max: Fury Road – Winner

Mad Max: Fury Road is insanity awesome. It instantly made me want to adorn my car with gasoline-powered sharp things and drive on sidewalks at 100 m.p.h.

Ghosts Seeking Therapy

Of all the horror genres begging for my attention/fun coupons, the ghost category has always been a fav. Not sure why. Sure, I dig giant monsters, werewolves and nature gone wild flicks. But ghosts – friendly or anti-friendly – just seem to put frills in my chills.

So my innards are always happy when a new ghost movie comes down the paranormal pipe, the latest  being Backtrack, featuring of – get this – ghosts of dead people! I’m gasping as we speak.

Here’s what we’re being told about Backtrack: “Psychologist Peter Bowers’ life is thrown into turmoil when he discovers that his patients are the ghosts of people who all died in an accident twenty years ago. Afraid of losing his mind, Peter returns to his home town where he uncovers a terrifying truth which only he can put right.”

I could help him if he wants. I have years of dealing with spirits. Heck, I had an entire bottle of spirits last night. So yeah, you could say I’m an expert of some sort.

Backtrack is described as a “spine-chilling supernatural thriller in the vein of The Sixth Sense and What Lies Beneath.” No specific release date yet, but the movie’s website is saying sometime in 2015.  It’s mid-September as of this digital posting, so they better get to ghostin’.

Note of some noteworthiness: This Backtrack should not be confused with 2014’s Backtrack (aka, Backtrack: Nazi Regression). A psychological thriller, Backtrack: Nazi Regression features Nazis. Didn’t see that coming.

Also, avoid getting wires crossed with 1969’s Backtrack. That one features cowboys. Ghosts are way more scarier than cowboys. Unless it’s a ghost cowboy coming back from the dead to make you stain your saddle.