Archive for Nature Gone Wild

Udder Horror

Posted in Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 7, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Isolation

Dan Reilly is a farmer. But unlike ’Ol MacDonald, who also had a farm, In Isolation (2005), Dan is severely broke, so he has to rent his cows out for genetic research. That, or lose his late father’s farm, full of knee deep mud and cow poop. (Hey Dan — have you though about growing popcorn trees?)

Isolation

Bovine Genetics Technology has been paying him cash to inject his one of his pregnant cows with a serum that will make them grow faster and produce juicer hamburgers. The opening scene has a research scientist sticking her arm (all the way up to her shoulder) into a cow’s outgoing hay chute. Why, oh why didn’t I turn off the DVD player right then and there?

Isolation

Something bit her hand. I’m’ thinking it was a baby alligator ’Ol MacDonald flushed down the sewer and one of Dan’s cows ate it and…sorry. Later, the cow goes into labor and the calf gets stuck between cowhole and freedom. The scene where Dan and a young couple on the run found squatting near his property assist the delivery process is one of the ickiest horror scenes ever scene. It’s almost enough to make you swear off juicy cow burgers and baby alligators.

Isolation

The newborn abomination, horribly disfigured by science, makes with the biting, which results in a nail gun defense strategy. Dan is the opposite of happy. He expresses this to the doctor who is wrecking his burger factories. But science cannot be denied, nor can the parasitic embryos still alive in the dead cows.

Isolation

As in The Thing (1982), it’s determined that no one can leave the farm, as the science cow is loaded with infectious what-nots and has the distinct probability of destroying humanity, vegetarians included. While you never get to see science cow in all its inside-out glory, this thing seems to be all teeth, causing udder, uh, utter chaos as it goes on the attack.

Isolation

It should be stated that crawling under the floorboards of a barn where cows turn hay into Texas pancakes is disgusting beyond belief, yet necessary for one’s survival. Only one makes it out alive. Who was it — the cow, the doctor, Dan, the squatter guy who knocked up his girlfriend after the cow bit him? The knocked up girlfriend? I’d crawl under a wet, infected barn before I ever told you.

Crappy UFOs, Haunted Mansions, Pre-made Zombies

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 4, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Curse of the Man Who Sees UFOs

Recently watched a “documentary” called Curse of the Man Who Sees UFOS (2016). In the first five minutes the cursed and excitable Christo Roppolo, looking to be in his late 50s, reenacts going to the park at night, looking up and seeing a UFO. The said unidentified flying object sets ‘ol Christo’s innards a’ rumblin’ and he quickly runs over to a tree, drops trou, and lets loose a huge, public steamer. Laughing, he recounts leaving the park with an identifiable wet stain on the back of his britches. That’s icky and funny at the same time!

The eccentric Christo, however, has video proof of multiple UFO sightings around Monterey, CA, documenting quite a few close encounters. And he does this with bowel-emptying glee. (Note to self: bring Handi-Wipes™ on next UFO hunting excursion.)

That publicly stated, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not leave you feeling like you need to ruin public parks with your steaming wrongness…

I Make Corpses

I MAKE CORPSES (available now)
“A serial killer whose work has suddenly become exponentially easier thanks to a recent zombie outbreak and thus, is able to create corpses and make it look like they were simply killed by the undead to avoid any suspicion on his part. During a zombie outbreak the dead reanimate and Ben becomes a little complacent in ensuring the corpses are disposed of correctly, and soon his handiwork rears its ugly head.”

This is a film short, which is too bad as the premise is pretty clever cool and would make for a double pretty clever cool full-length feature type thingamajig.

Planet Rehab

PLANET REHAB (available now/VOD)
“It’s a race to save mankind and hybrids from the aliens that would get them hooked on crack. One man, Dakota Schill, armed with his crack factory, fights the good fight against the alien intruders. A little crazy, a lot sexy, and definitely off the wall!”

Drug dealing aliens. Would’ve thought they’d try and get us drunk on Romulan Ale; we’d be a lot easier to abduct as alcoholics than as crackheads, who are way monkey crazy and unpredictable. Drunks just wanna sit in their own makings and not do anything else except keep drinking. Or so I’ve heard. Ahem.

Delirium

DELIRIUM (January 19, 2018)
The Hell Gang, an exclusive club made up of a group of school friends, promise their classmate Eddie that he can join the gang if he can just make it to the porch of a legendary local mansion with a dark, sinister past. Others have tried but none have made it within sight of the mansion before fleeing back in terror. And Eddie, who is rigged with a camera to prove he did it, does not return at all! Five members of the gang must now go in to find him. They set off, confident that Eddie is trying to prank them, but what they find in the old mansion is even more terrifying than the campfire stories and legends of murdered children that once lived there.”

Kinda sounds like a spin on Salem’s Lot (1979/2004) and the spooky ass Marsten House, which has been rented to vampires. (They probably had to put down a larger damage deposit to cover carpet cleaning.)

The Russian Bride

THE RUSSIAN BRIDE (2018)
“A Russian woman travels to America with her daughter to marry a reclusive billionaire, who turns out to be a madman and sends their lives spiraling into a living hell.”

Marriage is the best worse horror story ever, and nothing like the rom-coms they churn out like horror movies. If you’re married and are happy, disregard the above sentence.

Vomit-Faced Rat Alien

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 2, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alien Terminator

Six bio-scientists (hippies in lab coats) are finishing up a two-year experiment in an underground laboratory. The lab — owned by the Earthtek Corporation — is five miles below sewer lines. When somebody farts, it ruins everyone’s day because hey, no windows.

Alien Terminator

One of the scientists/hippies has been synthesizing crystal meth for its “mind-expanding properties.” He uses his expanded mind to traverse the complex DNA genetic project he’s working on, injects it into his science rat and the thing goes berserk.

Alien Terminator

From here on out Alien Terminator (1995) is an Alien (1979) rip-off, with people (two of which are supermodels) searching with guns for the rat, that by now is seven-feet tall and walking on hind legs because chewing on people stimulates its growth hormones. I hear growth hormones pair nicely with Steel Reserve Triple Export Malt Liquor™.

Alien Terminator

The monster looks like a guy in overalls with cotton candy glued to it. Its face appears to be made of dried mud, gum, bottle caps and cigarette butts. (What, no plastic carnival vomit?)

I don’t care how awesome it might be to live underground with two supermodel science hippie chicks, this movie is a big pile of plastic carnival vomit.

Planet of the Plants

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 28, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Organizm

A biological organism, which feeds off light and energy (low carbs), gets loose and exponentially grows like jock itch run amok. Since the military doesn’t have enough Tinactin™ to stop it, they decide to nuke the entire town this thing is growing under, through and above.

Organizm

At it’s worst the vine-like tentacles look like they were drawn by a right-handed person, but with that person’s left hand. At its best the organism burrows under your skin and grows up through your eyeballs and gives new meaning to the phrase, “die your roots.”

Organizm

It’s revealed a guy named Frank had a dad who created the organism as a Cold War military weapon, and it got out of the fridge. Frank’s DNA is the only thing that can kill it, meaning he has to bleed all over the thing, which is now the size of 13 Costco™ outlets.

Organizm

The plant looks a heckuva lot like something Swamp Thing might e-mail a wink to on Match.com™. The premise kinda works (clearly a nod to The Blob/1958), but the below-grade special effects bury Organizm (aka, Living Hell/2008) in the garden. That, and how practical is it to keep cutting yourself open to water the damn thing? Not thinking ahead here, people.

Kickboxing Future Dinosaurs

Posted in Aliens, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 27, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Future War

In the 8-track version of the future, a human slave from the future is being hunted by a space enforcer and his pet rubber dinosaurs, who wear electric dog collars that keeps them from biting the hand that feeds them.

Future War

The slave happens to be an expert in kickboxing. Dinosaurs could care less as they’re made of rubber. So, like, kick all you want. Helping the slave is a prostitute-turned-nun. Talk about having all your bases covered.

Future War

There’s way too much kick, not enough prostituting or dinosaur-ing in Future War (1997). But there is no limit to the colored light special effects that would look quite at home on a 1972 Christmas tree.

Heavy Metal Godzilla, Partying With Bigfoot, Zumba Your Demons

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 21, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla

For those breathing toxic air in Japan (last time there, I came down with itai-itai, or “ouch-ouch”) who’ve seen Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters (2017), the happy slobber-inducing feature-length anime, two things your life depends on knowing.

First, they changed the title from Godzilla: Monster Planet (thereby embarrassing my cheeks red for reporting it as such).

Secondly, a sequel has already been green-lighted/green-lit and already put into production, called Kessen Kidou Zoushoku Toshi (May, 2018). This abstractly doesn’t translate to Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla Monster Planet. (G’Zilla may not be actually versusing Mechagodzilla, but why else would Mecha-G be there, to direct traffic?)

MechagodzillaThey better not change the title on me or I will become so fukōna sawagi.

The sequel premiers in Japan movie theaters in May of 2018, so it’ll be some wait later it gets shown here on the telly. Until that time and space arrives, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that better have the correct titles…

Exorcism of the 7th Demon

EXORCISM OF THE 7TH DEMON (available now)
“After a possession led to his daughter’s suicide, Michael has made it his mission to save others from the same fate. Struggling with faith and purpose, he takes on Satan’s army and the demons that seek his demise.”

Didn’t see the first six exorcisms (aka, not drinking for almost a week). Sobriety, like a demon, is evil, man.

Where Birds Don't Fly

WHERE BIRDS DON’T FLY (available now)
“A serial killer leaves a trail of brutality in San Bernardino, California and it is up to a team of hardened detectives to try and catch him before more innocent lives are taken.”

I think this came out on DVD (a shiny flat 8-track) earlier this year, but available now on VOD (invisible 8-track; can’t tell if its shiny). So EVEN MORE movies about serial killers — like we don’t have enough in back stock in real life.

Inoperable

INOPERABLE (December 1, 2017/limited theatrical run)
“A young woman wakes up in a seemingly evacuated hospital with a hurricane approaching. She realizes the storm has awakened malevolent forces, trapping her in a time loop. She must escape the hospital before the storm passes or she will be trapped in its halls forever.”

Sounds like Groundhog Day (1993) with the possibility of more blood gunk. These time loop themes are pretty fun. Look to The X-Files’ “Monday” (1999) for an excellent example. Then try Run Lola, Run (1998), Triangle (2009), Haunter (2013), and the under-rated Edge of Tomorrow (2014). Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom. (I keep getting this odd feeling I’ve done that before.)

Cherokee Creek

CHEROKEE CREEK (2017/2018)
“A bachelor party in the woods gets crashed by the ultimate party animal.”

Calling Bigfoot a “party animal” is pretty dang funny. Not sure why a bunch of dudes are having a bachelor party in the woods. Seems like Las Vegas or The Poggie Tavern might be better choices, what with their relaxed rules on soiling oneself in public due to an overdose of alcohol fun. But hey, If I had the choice, I’d party in the woods as well, what with the possibility of getting drunk with Bigfoot. That’d be pretty sweet.

Giant Seafood, Superhero Overdose, Percentage Vampire

Posted in Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 17, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster

Clicked across a recent news piece about a North Wales fisherman finding the claw of a giant lobster. My first thought was, “Finally!” Experts theorized the claw belonged to a monster lobster that measured over three-feet in length, weighed more than 17 lbs., and was over 50 years old.

Lobzilla

I theorized it was part of Ebirah, the giant lobster from Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster (1966). Godzilla ripped the claw off Ebirah and beat him with it, then tossed the shelled appendage out to sea, where it floated around for 51 years and ended up in North Wales, where it was recovered by that lucky fishing dude. (Man, I wish I was a lucky fishing dude.) He took pictures, then ran to the store to get 10 lbs. of butter to dip it in.

I’m pretty sure I’m right. So while you’re trying to decide if you agree with me, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not smell fishy…

Dark Side of the Moon

DARK SIDE OF THE WOMB (available now)
“Ed is a dwarf who falls in love with a large woman named Linda. When Linda is murdered by her ex-boyfriend-turned-killer-clown, Ed mutilates her corpse with a kitchen knife and climbs into her womb to be ‘born again’.”

This one sounds seriously messed up. Whoever came up with this idea for a horror movie needs therapy. Whoever watches it needs therapy. My appointment is at 6:30PM if anyone wants to join me.

Ghouls

GHOULS (aka, Vurdalaki/December 2, 2017)
“A Dracula-esque baron seeks to conquer his long-lost half-vampire daughter, while a very modern-looking 18th Century official tries to save her.”

Dracula-esque. Best descriptive term I’ve heard since “imitation crab.” So this sorta Dracula has a half-vampire daughter. Two questions: Which half does she need to put sunblock on? Secondly, is her cocktail of choice a Bloody Mary or an Amstel Light? I’ll have to consult a very modern-looking 18th Century official. I think he works the garden tool aisle at Wal-Mart. P.S. Found this on Amazon Prime™ as Vamps.

Avengers: Infinity War

AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR (May 4, 2018)
“Four years after the events of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, the Avengers, torn apart after the events of Captain America: Civil War, join forces with the Guardians of the Galaxy to battle Thanos, who is trying to amass the Infinity Stones for a gauntlet that will allow him to inflict his will on all reality.”

I count 17 superheroes on what is the first of likely dozens of movie key art posters. Disappointingly, I’m not on there. You know me as an ill-mannered blog reporter by day. But at night, I’m Yell Man. My neighbors are well aware what my super power is. And by the way, I know where the Infinity Stones are — they’re in the Cosmic Entity aisle at Wal-Mart. (They need Triple AAA batteries, which are conveniently located next to the check-out counter. Well played, Wal-Mart.)

Abruptio

ABRUPTIO (May 31, 2018)
Les Hackel is a guy down on his luck who wakes to find an explosive device has been implanted in his neck. He must carry out heinous crimes in order to stay alive while trying to identify the mastermind manipulating the now twisted and strange world around him.”

The explosive device implanted in my neck is my head – ha! As the for the twisted and strange world, he’s clearly in Wal-Mart.