Horror Espresso, Vile Romance, High School Ghost

Back in the late Sixties/early Seventies, there were more neighborhood VD clinics than coffee shops. These days you can’t walk 20 feet without bumping into someone coming out of a Starbucks™coffee shop, lip-locking an admittedly delicious Caramel Macchiato. As easy is it is to snark at the smug hipsters who pay $4.15 for something you can make at home for .35 cents (Folgers™ drip, double squeeze of pancake syrup, Cool Whip™ topping), what if was less pretentious, something more…horror-based? Enter Horror Vibes Coffee™ located in North Hollywood (specifically, 5251 Lankershim Blvd.)

As first reported by Bloody Disgusting, Horror Vibes Coffee™ serves up killer caffeine with names like “Chai-Day the 13th”, “The Candyman Dulce De Leche” and the morning go-to to-go, “Nightmare on Maple Street.” Horror coffee is well-positioned to replace breakfast as the most important meal of the day. 

But Horror Vibes Coffee™ isn’t just about the drinks. As Bloody Disgusting reports, “The shop is “loaded with horror vibes, from the paintings of horror icons outside to the Chucky and Annabelle dolls hanging out inside. Artwork on the walls pays tribute to everything from Terrifier 2 to the Scream franchise.”

While we redeem our Starbucks™ Rewards points for a bus ticket to Hollywood to bask in Horror Vibes Coffee’s™ vibes, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may are may not be made better topped with Cool Whip™…

THE COMMUNION GIRLS / Out now (VOD)

“Spain, late 1980s. Newcomer Sara tries to fit in with the other teens in this tight-knit small town in the province of Tarrgona. If only she were more like her extroverted best friend, Rebe. They go out one night at a nightclub, on the way home, they come upon a little girl holding a doll, dressed for her first communion. And that’s when the nightmare begins.”

In Spain this movie is called, La Niña de la Comunión. I have no idea what that means. It’s like they literally have a different word for everything. ¡Caramba!

PUISI CINTA YANG MEMBUNUH/ Out now (VOD)

The story of Ranum, who is always tricked by the sweet words of men who then betray her and later ends with death by a mysterious figure. Ranum’s family drama revolves around deceit; it is poetic, romantic, and hilarious which instantly turns into terror. Ranum decides to keep looking for true love, which is beautiful and brings kindness to ward off the tragedy she has experienced. Who is the figure who spreads the vile terror, and can Ranum find her love?”

First look at this movie’s title had me thinking someone barfed up a whole lotta Wordle™. Translated, it reads Deadly Love Poem. Normally, I would eschew (sorry — word of the day calendar) topics such as this as love and romance have no place in horror. A wood chipper, perhaps. However, when they put “vile terror” in the movie’s description, it gave me a glimmer of hope that love and romance could be acceptable within the context. 

THE WRAITH WITHIN / February 21, 2023 (VOD)

“When a group of friends returns to their hometown for a high school reunion, a tragic curse of the town’s history emerges to terrorize them after horrifying revelations put all of their lives in peril for a shocking night they may not all survive.”

The horrifying revelation is everybody got fat and bald. High school reunions are what real horror stories look like.

THIS LAND / March 10, 2023 (VOD)

“Ava, a traumatized mother agrees to a rustic getaway on the 4th of July with her husband and son in hopes of putting back the pieces of their lives. It’s the one-year anniversary of a violent home invasion that cost her unborn baby’s life. However, after arriving at the cabin rental they learn they are double booked with a family with very different political beliefs. Tensions boil over the weekend as the families confront grief, race, and the divide within the country. They soon realize something else is trying to drive them apart — a band of sinister elites targeting them for an ancient ritual.”

We see this on the news every night. Does there really have to be a movie about it? I am so done with ancient rituals.

Poltergeist Police, Apparition Anthology, Specter Slasher

If you’ve ever watched ghost-hunting “reality” shows and thought, “Well heck — I could do that and make an idiot out off myself way better than those guys,” now you can with Ghost Stop’s™ Ghost Hunting Gear, a one-stop shop with all the equipment you need to expose real-life hauntings for what they are. (Don’t make me explain this.)

Ghost Stop™ has it all to get on Casper’s case, from EVP recorders and meters, video cameras, thermal cams, and branded backpacks to stuff it all in. And before you think this is all nonsense, the prices aren’t: the EVP Recorder is a scary $89.95, the Phasm Cam is a shocking $179.95, Ghost Stop’s™ Spirit Box Ghost Hunting Kit will spook you out of $252.80, and the Pro Ghost Hunting Kit is a spine-chilling $699.70. You could spend that money on beer and film yourself haunting various bars and/or taverns. Now THERE’S a reality show worth watching…and I would like to audition for it.

While you look to get your ghost gumshoeing on, here are a few out now horror movies that may or may not scare the easily detectable ectoplasm out of you…    

LET IT GHOST / Out now (VOD)

“This anthology film features a triplet of horror stories, starring up-and-coming actors and popular local Youtubers™. A film crew is haunted by paranormal activities; When a taxi driver takes his girlfriend to a party room to get it on, a horny ghost adds spice to the proceedings; When a wandering ghost refuses to leave a soon-to-be-gentrified mall, the tenants concoct a plan to send her off.”

Of these I would like to see how they pull off a threesome with a ghost. For starters, what would they use for lube — VapoRub™?

THE OPEN BODY / Out now (VOD)

“1909. Miguel, a young teacher, is sent to work in a small, gloomy village on the border between Spain and Portugal. There, he will start to feel a special kind of fascination for Dorinda, the wife of Turelo, who is having an extra-marital affair with Mauro. When, one icy morning, Mauro’s body is found hanging from a cherry tree, the teacher begins to suspect that his soul is still wandering around the village in search of revenge. An erudite and highly rational man, the teacher now comes face to face with a world that is no short of archaic in its ways and values. A universe that still believes in the ‘open bodies’, which are especially prone to being possessed by the spirits of the dead and who use them as a way to manifest themselves and establish a relationship with the living.”

Mauro’s soul isn’t wandering around the village in search of revenge — he’s looking to establish a relationship with a living restroom. (Apparently, there are no working toilets in the afterlife. Guess that’s why it’s called Hell.)  

DR. GIFT / Out now (VOD)

“What do you get when you combine an ’80s slasher with a haunting ghost story?”

A reason to waste $4.99 to rent it.

UFO PARANORMAL OVERLORDS / Out now (VOD)

“Why are Aliens so widespread in ancient tradition, mythology, religion and even now in our modern age? The truth can be found within the mind’s connection to other realms. We can access this ‘dark’ side of the mind and Alien connection via methods used by the ancients to access our own internal world, which is our gateway to other realms. With the use of medicinals, meditation or prayer we can access this other dimension but the pathway is multi-leveled and complex. It is the hypnagogic — the point between waking and sleeping. Within this realm we can see and experience what Carl Jung termed ‘archetypes’ which have been encountered since time immemorial, are in reality our connection to the Multiverse. Since ancient times, we have encountered what we now call ‘Aliens’ in many forms that have more than influenced our history, they may have created it.”

Accessing the mind’s dark side and Alien connections using medicinals and meditation? Who made this documentary — hippies?

Spanish Neck-Eater

In the succinctly titled Shiver (2008), a Spanish teen just moved into the hood with his mother in a house so far out in the woods, even bugs won’t go there. He thinks he’s a vampire and even dreams of being caught in the daylight and his skin burning as if dipped in deep-fryer oil. There is no explanation as to why he’s sun-phobic, other than to set him up as a bully target at school. Can’t blame them — the kid has wimp written all over him.

Soon, local animals, a shepherd, and even a schoolmate all turn up deader than the town’s nightlife, with throats torn into Shredded Wheat™, but with more stringy tendons than you get in a large box. Everybody (me included) thinks Santi (the emo “vampire” kid) is responsible. He’s not — but he might know who did.

There’s a creature in the woods that zooms around ripping throats apart. Sasquatch? Nope. A bear with a taste for huckleberries and human flesh? Not quite. Extraterrestrials looking for new orifices to “examine”? Not this time. A vampire? Ha — you are SO wrong. A little girl who, after getting lost in the woods while in Africa, raises herself and eventually gets brought back to Spain. You’re getting warmer.

Later the girl witnesses her parents being violently killed, which drove her mad. So she’s dumped into an orphanage, where she kills and maims the Sisters at the Nun School For The Ferally-Challenged. Back to the woods with you, ya mangy pup.

In an effort to clear his name of the murders and solve the mystery, Santi, a school buddy and the police detective’s daughter (who is hot for Santi, probably because he has a Hot Topic™ vibe) enter the woods to find this eater of necks.

While there, they trip over a village secret that threatens to tear the whole town into remorseful serving portions. The feral girl does her bit on the man who killed her parents. Santi discovers he’s not a vampire, but hates the sun all the same. His mom is visibly relieved and a little blood gets spilled. Scary? Nope. Suspenseful. Nope. Broadway-caliber acting. Yes. I mean, no. Worth renting? Only if you’re an emo wannabe vampire with crybaby tendencies when exposed to the sun.

UFOs, Nightmares, Fog Monsters, Bigfoot

Watched YET ANOTHER Bigfoot documentary (I’ve pretty much seen ‘em all) and one “expert” (he’s not, I am) claims that there’s thousands of the highly marketable cryptid. Gonna have to call baloney puckey on that one. Do the math — there’s only ONE true Bigfoot. But hey, where did he come from? Wouldn’t he have had parents? What about a grandma who sends him a new sweater every Christmas? Those and many more questions will be answered when Bigfoot says so, not some dumbass “expert.” Uh, oh — I think I just called myself a dumbass. Oh well — not the first time.

Anyway, more mysterious horror/sci-fi topics being addressed in these upcoming films, of which I’m probably an expert at. Ahem.

UNACKNOWLEDGED (May 9, 2017/iTunes™)
“Unacknowledged focuses on the historic files of the Disclosure Project and how UFO secrecy has been ruthlessly enforced — and why. The best evidence for extraterrestrial contact, dating back decades, is presented with direct top-secret witness testimony, documents and UFO footage, 80% of which has never been revealed anywhere else.”

About flippin’ time. UFOs are real and everybody knows it. Getting them to admit it, on film even, is the tough part. Unacknowledged is headed up by Dr. Steven Greer, a guy who put his reputation on the line by going up against the government and petitioning them to come clean with the E.T. goods. I’d go to him for medical/conspiracy services. Heck, when you think about, he’s probably really good at proctology. Don’t make me explain this.

BACKWOOD MADNESS (2017)
“Backwood Madness is a horror fantasy movie that bustles with trolls and goblins. Situated during the second World War, it tells a story about a conflict between men and creatures of the forest. The main character is struggling with his own mysterious past that is taking events towards the inevitable collision with destiny.”

Haven’t seen a good troll since Troll Hunter (2010), so puttin’ this on my “to do” list taped to the kitchen mop (that’s on the “to-do”list as well). And with the addition of goblins, maybe Hollywood can make up for those goblins in the steaming pile of fantasy mess that was Legend (1985).

FLESH OF THE VOID (2017)
“The film was shot almost entirely on expired Super 8 film from the ’80s, and is intended as a trip through the deepest fears of human beings, exploring its subject in a highly grotesque, violent and extreme manner. It’s 80 minutes of pure Hell, playing out like a non linear, psychedelic nightmare.”

This on sounds both icky and must-see at the same time. Kinda like watching an octopus attack on a ocean-wading tourist in a loud shirt drinking a margarita. And the words “highly grotesque” and “psychedelic nightmare” go together like “octopus” and “tourist with a loud shirt and margarita.”

EL SECRETO DE MARROWBONE (October 27, 2017/Spain)
“A young man and his four younger siblings, who have kept secret the death of their beloved mother in order to remain together, are plagued by a sinister presence in the sprawling manor in which they live.”

Theorized (and probably right) spoiler: It’s their baby-sitter who never got paid for watching the brats.

THE MIST (2017/Netflix™)
“After an eerie mist rolls into a small town, the residents must battle the mysterious mist and its threats, fighting to maintain morality and sanity.”

This, of course, is the TV series version of the not-too-shabby 2007 movie of the same name, based on one of Stephen King’s better sessions at the typewriter. It’s not a spoiler to casually mention there are mutated creatures that live in the mist or “fog.” I like the idea of a TV series as it will flesh out that angle and maybe show us how the military opened another dimension and let the bed bugs in. I’ll be taking notes.

When Godzilla Became Frankenstein

Super duper annoying when (and I use the term loosely) people mistakenly – to this franken day – think Frankenstein is the monster instead of Dr. Victor Frankenstein, the guy who puzzled together the monster from scrap corpse parts. And while the brute doesn’t have a proper title other than “the monster,” you get the misnomer; the name “Frankenstein” is pretty dang classic, right up there with iconic nom de plumes names like “Godzilla,” “Dracula” and “Lord Voldemort.”

No surprise the Germans – Frankenstein’s kin — regularly slapped the popular “monster” name on imported horror advertising art to help sell movie tickets, even though Frank wasn’t so much as in the credits. (Did Frankenstein or his heirs get paid for this unlicensed usage? Hölle nein!)

An example of this is Ebirah, Horror From the Deep, aka, Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster (1966). Initial German ad art had the movie titled, Frankenstein und die Ungeheuer dem Meer (or, Frankenstein and the Beast from the Sea). And while the advertising depicts Godzilla (what – no promo headshot?), they didn’t want to gamble the movie’s box office on a name that’s only been around for a few relative years, whereas Frankenstein was globally established and universally recognized since 1931. In that context, it makes sense.

Frankenstein’s good name has been co-opted/dragged through the mud over the years for this very same reason. But think about it – would you rather take your queasy vehicle to Bob’s Car Care or Frankenstein’s Complete Auto Restoration? I rest my case.

Gasp in awe at the misbranded examples above, including King Kong: Frankenstein’s Son (aka, King Kong Escapes/1962) that’ll leave you staunen (“stunned” for all you Bob’s Car Care types).

P.S. Only Spain’s Santo Contra La Hija De Frankestein (aka, Santo Against Daughter Frankenstein/1972) and Santo y Blue Demon Contra el Dr. Frankestein (aka, Santo and Blue Demon Against Dr. Frankenstein/1974) got it at least medically correct even though they couldn’t spell Frank’s name right on the advertising.

The Pain In Spain Falls Mainly On My Brain

The Spanish horror film Para Elisa came out in 2013, but it’s not until now (2015, if memory serves me correct) that it’ll be available on DVD and VOD September 1. Since I don’t live in Spain or anywhere on its bus line, never got to see it. Dang que. (That’s Spanish for “dang it.”)

Not too heartbroken, though, as I’m not a big fan of sub-titled horror movies. You spend the whole movie reading when you should be screaming. [Note to whomsoever: I don’t really scream during horror movies. I’ve been known to snore, though.]

Here’s a refresher on Para Elisa in case you forgot: “Desperate for some post-graduation cash, party girl Ana answers a babysitting ad. She arrives for an interview at the elegant home of Diamantina, a former child prodigy pianist who is now an eccentric old woman who collects antique toys and dolls.”

“Ana is disturbed by Diamantina’s odd behavior and horrified to discover that her child, Elisa, is not a child but rather a deranged woman her own age. Before Ana really understands what’s happening, she finds herself trapped in the house and made to serve as Elisa’s new toy – a toy that like many others before it may well be broken.”

Need more convincing? Check out the trailer – and bring your reading glasses.

P.S. “Para Elisa” is actually a song by Beethoven and translates to “For Elisa.” Nice to see 11 years of internet Spanish lessons haven’t let me down.

Be Witched

The rich tapestry of witches seems to have taken root these days, fueled possibly by the success of the TV series Salem (2014), an annoyingly hard-to-follow depiction of fevered witch paranoia life in stinky Massachusetts in the late 1600s. (If your neighbor thought you to be in league with Big D, you were proved it merely by hearsay in a court of law and burned alive in the public square, the colonial version of a tailgate party.

Rock dude/horror filmmaker Rob Zombie even tried his hand at some lovin’ from the coven in 2013 with the The Lords of Salem. (I’m generally a fan of Zombie’s music and film work, but that thing is outright laughable and does great disservice to our witchy women.)

Regardless, the market fire burns hot for Wiccans and their vibrant community. Vin Diesel (Riddick himself!) is set to release The Last Witch Hunter (2015), followed by The Witch (2016), a period horror piece that promises some wicked wickedness.

Here’s what The Witch is conjuring (heh): “Evil takes many forms in this vintage horror thriller set in New England in the 1600s about a family and their suddenly missing children.”

Okay, not a lot to go on. But the trailer is a tasty appetizer. And early reviews gush that The Witch “blends The Crucible, The Shining and The Exorcist in a frightening New England folktale.”

You can find more information about witches in Wiccapedia: A Modern-Day White Witch’s Guide (2011), written by “spiritual life coaches” and celebrity witches Shawn Robbins and Leanna Greenaway. If those aren’t kick ass credentials, then you’re likely a non-believer. I fear for your very soul.

P.S. For a really fun/funny/f’d up witch movie, check out Spain-made Witching & Bitching (2013). The first 15 minutes alone will put a spell on you (heh).

Spanish Zombie Apocalypse

Been an enthusiastic fan of the [REC] Spanish zombie horror series, beginning on a stormy afternoon in 2007 (the seas were rough that day), and continuing with [REC] 2 in 2009, the impressive sequel involving the military coming in to see what all the face-eating fuss is about in that ill-fated apartment building. (You did see the first one and know what I’m yapping about, yes?)

Then came the inevitable cash-in/pointless [REC] 3: Genesis (2012), in which a wedding is crashed by face-eaters/well-wishers (taking place before, during and after the original outbreak that turned everybody into face-eaters/well-wishers).

Now comes [REC] 4: Apocalypse, first yapped about on this here barf blog on May 9, 2013 at 2:55PM. In that post I included the movie’s synopsis. Here it is again, practically word-for-word. I could’ve gussied it up, but crap, I’m really hungover today…

“Angela Vidal wakes up in a high-security quarantine facility, sole survivor and witness to the horrific events inside the building. But does she remember what happened to her? Is she carrying a virus? Distrust spreads through the isolated facility while new, even more deadly forms of evil spread even faster.”

[REC] 4: Apocalypse FINALLY gets a release date in Spain this Halloween/2014. (Note to travel agents: [REC] was filmed in Barcelona with a budget of two million dollars. It made 32 million at the world box office. That’s a good return on your Euros.

It’s been bandied about that [REC] 4: Apocalypse is to be the final installment of the surprise hit zombie franchise. Good – that means I can star in the U.S. knock-off – [REC] 4.1: Death Hangover. I’ll be in full character.

A Traveling Sales Werewolf

In the mid 1800s the countryside of Spain was plagued by unusual murders and wolf attacks. My first of three conclusive thoughts was, “Wolves are mugging people, no doubt.”

But the wolfiness going on was merely a by-product of the murders, wherein the wolves would eat the remains and make the cops think the dead people were made that way by the hungry animals.

But one detective noticed hidden within the mangled flesh areas were very precise surgical incisions. Since there was nary a hairy enrolled in medical school, the crimes were obviously committed by a human. (My second conclusive thought placed the blame squarely on Jack The Ripper. Apparently, it was not him, dang it.)

Enter Romasanta, a traveling soap salesman who makes his product out of human body fat. Ick. Since this was the stinky 1800s and bathing was done on special occasions (like the changing of the seasons), his soap was in demand. After he seduces a rippingly hot supermodel (bath tub scene – great rewind material), she discovers he killed her sisters and was more than likely using their soapy butt fat to wash herself. Eeww! So she tells the police and a manhunt ensues.

While the wolf/werewolf attacks are PG graphic, it’s the scene of the fat and naked guy running through the woods with his Willy Wonka flapping around the way a chubby snake does when it sticks its head out the window of a car speeding down the freeway that’s the most unsettling.

Romasanta is tried in court and he tells them he couldn’t help killing 15 people because he’s a werewolf. His attorney successfully gets him off the hook under the “bonkers” defense strategy. I need this guy’s number.

While Romasanta doesn’t morph into a werewolf in a silly fur coat, they do show him changing into a human from a real wolf form. I felt this was pretty neat.

A few problems, however: Romasanta did not have an accent befitting someone from Spain. Nor did the cops. Nor did the wolves, which didn’t sound the least bit Spanish when they howled (example: “El Barko! El Barko!”). My last conclusive thought was that Romasanta (2004), which was based on a true story (Werewolf of Allariz, 1853), could’ve used more soap bubbles.