Archive for the Sharks Category

Groovy Vampire, Goodwill Evil, Plush Shark

Posted in demons, Evil, Fantasy, paranormal, Science Fiction, Sharks, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 24, 2023 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

In 1972, the deliciously cheesy vampire classic Blacula was released to mixed reviews, but went on to become one of the top-grossing movies of that year, and was followed by Scream Blacula Scream in 1973. Mind you, top-grossing in those days meant it made enough to cover the film’s budget without ending up in gas station discount VHS bins. (That’s where I bought my copy.) In the genre-busting movie, African prince Mamuwalde was turned into a vampire in 1780 and locked in a coffin by that mean Count Dracula fellow. This is because Drac refused to help Mamuwalde help suppress the slave trade. Meet the old boss, same as the new boss.

But now, over 50 years later, Blacula is backula as the star of his own graphic novel: Blacula: Return of the King. Written by Rodney Barnes and illustrated by Jason Shawn Alexander, the $19.99/128 page book ( releasing January 31, 2023/Zombie Love Studios™) resurrects the soul-sucking vampire and to right a few wrongs. From the press release: “The book is an adaptation and expansion of the classic 1972 blaxploitation film that brings it to the modern day, pushing boundaries with its contemporary setting for the film’s characters.”

Los Angeles – the City of Angels. Two souls, one is looking for vengeance and one is looking for the truth. They share one thing in common, they are both searching for the legendary vampire Blacula. Tina Thomas is a reporter for the blog Dark Knights, which chronicles all things unnatural, uneasy, and undead. She meets a young man named Kross whose family was forever changed by the vampire. Kross asks Tina to help him kill Blacula. Blacula, too, is on a mission — he’s searching for the one who forever changed his life centuries ago — Count Dracula.”

While you preorder Blacula: Return of the King (Amazon™/Barnes & Noble™) and scour eBay™, the equivalent of a gas station discount VHS bin, to get a copy of the original Blacula ($7.90 — $29.99) here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as stylishly groovy as a black vampire… 

SHE CAME FROM THE WOODS / February 10, 2023 (Limited/VOD)

“A group of counselors accidentally unleash an ancient evil spirit on the last night of a summer camp. As the situation turns bloody, the group is forced to confront what stories are worth telling and what secrets are worth keeping.”

Forget the woods…Always shop for ancient evil at Goodwill™ — great selection.

THE WELDER / February 24, 2023 (VOD)

“A Latina woman emotionally is scarred by her military service. Hoping to alleviate her stress, she embarks on a ranch vacation with her African American boyfriend. However, the couple’s relaxing weekend spirals into a nightmare of depravity and violence when they run afoul of a mad doctor bent on conducting macabre racial experiments.”

“Alleviating stress” and “mad doctor.” Sounds like a visit to my primary care physician. Which reminds me, I need to schedule an appointment. I haven’t been experimented on in a while.

DOLL SHARK / April 11, 2023 (DVD – SRS Cinema) 

“‘Sea Shark Swim’, the red hot online music video, is all the rage in children’s entertainment, setting records across social media and top streaming platforms. One of its biggest fans, a young boy named Kirby, receives a special gift from his dad, the famed shark hunter, Brock Banner – the doll from the show! However, Brock, thinking it would be a lucky charm, has hidden a tooth inside the toy from a shark he caught and killed. Soon the doll becomes possessed by the spirit of the evil sea beast! As the child spends a weekend with a nasty babysitter, the doll comes to life, feasting on bodies and wreaking havoc on the unsuspecting household.”

A stuffed shark stuffing itself with bodies. How could this possibly suck?

DUNGEONS & DRAGONS: HONOR AMONG THIEVES / MARCH 31, 2023 (Theaters)

“A charming thief and a band of unlikely adventurers embark on an epic quest to retrieve a lost relic, but things go dangerously awry when they run afoul of the wrong people.”

A live action film of the popular board game first introduced in 1974. Never played it. I’m more of a 1975 kinda guy. 

Partying With Ghosts, Subtitled Shark, Haunted House Insurance

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, paranormal, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 14, 2023 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

If you’re a fan of fan-made horror films, you’re gonna get all tingly over the Friday the 13th homage, Here Comes the Night: Part 3, sequel to the F-13th fan films Here Comes the Night and Here Comes the Night: Part 2, all of which are free on YouTube™. Around a half-hour long and done on a budget that wouldn’t get you a hot dog and a diet soda at a hockey game (diet sodas are the preferred drink of hardcore hockey fans, who all look like Friday the 13th’s Jason Voorhees, blood and all), you at least gotta admire the passion that goes into these enthusiastic endeavors.

A bit ‘o background: “Produced by Jason Kays and directed by Tim McCormack, Here Comes the Night: Part 3 celebrates what fans love about Jason Voorhees and the classic 80’s slasher series. The epic conclusion to Here Comes the Night is finally here! Having narrowly escaped certain death at the hands of new friends and old enemies, Allison, Billy, and Suzie find safety at a cabin across the lake. However, as the sins of the past are revealed, and the lies of the present unfold, no one is truly safe at Crystal Lake.”

While you question my sanity to post this on Saturday the 14th instead of Friday the 13th (sorry — still using last year’s calendar because I don’t know why), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be viewable on any day of the week…  

MAKO /Out now (Netflix™)

“Visiting the site of a sunken passenger ship, eight divers face a terrifying threat beneath the surface of the Red Sea.”

This shark movie came out in someplace called Egypt (never heard of it) in 2021, but it’s now on Netflix™ in our multiverse. It’s in Arabic with wonky English subtitles, so you can’t understand a thing the shark is saying. Too bad — with all those teeth, I bet it has perfect enunciation.

GHOST PARTY / Out now (VOD)

“The annual Halloween party at Auldcraft Mansion is no ordinary party. You have to be dead to be invited. This year something has gone horribly wrong and the family must bring in a living relative to help solve the mystery. This “live” theatrical play captures the true spirit, or spirits of family reunions.”

You have to be dead to be invited? As long as there’s no dress code and they put out some chips ‘n salsa. 

CONTACT: THE CE5 EXPERIENCE / Out now (VOD)

Dr. Steven Greer and his team share their videos and photos of UFOs and extraterrestrial beings captured at CE5 events around the world.”

Those CE5 “events” are little more than UFO New Age retreats. The blurry UAP photos and videos are sorta interesting, but enough with the hippie chanting prayer circles to reach out to our space brothers; extraterrestrials already think we’re a bunch of dumbasses.

THE UNSETTLING / February 10, 2023 (VOD)

“Abena and Kwame, a Ghanaian couple, are struggling to recover from a devastating tragedy. They travel to Los Angeles for a vacation that they hope will help them find their way back to one another. Instead, during an awkward dinner with estranged friends, Vivian and Anthony, Abena is increasingly terrorized by an evil possessing the house. The house that was meant to provide refuge slowly stalks her, consuming her sorrow and trapping her in a nightmare. As her terror grows, it ultimately engulfs all four with horrifying consequences.”

They should’ve gotten haunted house renter’s insurance. And yes, that’s a real thing. I go through Obrella™ to cover my darkness-infested abode. Click here for a rate quote.

Vile Vision, Ghost Guests, Lethal Lobsters

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Bigfoot, Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, paranormal, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks, Slashers, TV Vixens, UFOs, Vampires, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 26, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

For horror movies fans there exists a plethora of viewing options, paid and free. If you don’t mind ad-supported horror movies (or just regular movies, which nobody cares about), Tubi™ and YouTube™ beats the competition by far with obscure, DYI, foreign and classic horror offerings. (P.S. Tubi™ is the king of horror/sci-fi with hundreds upon other hundreds of horror flicks you never knew existed.)

Shudder™ is the de facto go to for paid horror viewing, with a sharply curated catalogue and consistent new releases. With plans starting at $4.79 a month, you be a screaming dumbass (okay, maybe not screaming) to not subscribe. Another bountiful horror/sci-fi option, though, is Wicked Horror TV™, a premium streaming service specializing in quality horror films. (Note: ALL horror movies are quality. Except maybe three.) 

Wicked Horror TV™ puts the gore in categorize — horror movies are sorted by decades (1920s to whatever decade we’re in now), countries (Asia, Australia, Europe, South America and whatever country we’re in now), and sub-genres (ghosts, giallo, gothic, paranormal, possession, B-movies, satanic, supernatural, occult, witches, etc.) There’s plenty of ad-supported free horror, but the premium plan taps you for $5.99 a month, though you save thriftily with their billed annually plan of $49.99. Wicked Horror TV™ can be watched (or “viewed”) on things like Fire TV™, Roku™, Apple TV™, Android TV™, Google Play™, and iOS™ mobile devices.

While you close out your horror-bereft Netflix™ account and sign up for Wicked Horror TV™ (click this), here are a few out now/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies/tv series that may or may not be worth paying for — or watching for free…

DEADLY DEALINGS / Out now (YouTube™/VOD)

“A young woman struggles with losing her brother. Her roommate turns her on to a spirit board, and that night she has a dream that she can trade her dream for her brother’s life. The next day when she awakens she learns that it was more than just a dream and she bit off more than she expected.”

Yawn. Sounds more like a spirit bored than a spirit board.

THE GHOSTS OF MONDAY / January 23, 2023 (VOD/DVD)

“A television director becomes embroiled in a supernatural conspiracy after traveling to Cyprus to make a TV pilot about a haunted hotel.”

Cyprus is an island country located south of the Anatolian Peninsula in the eastern Mediterranean Sea. Seems like a long way to go to document hotel haunters. Try the “ghosts only” Overlook Hotel in the nearby country of Colorado.

THE SWARM / Release pending 2023 (Streaming TV subscription)

“A global environmental thriller, The Swarm is set in a present day where anomalies and unnatural behavior in marine animals are causing upheaval all over the world. Millions of strange worms suddenly appear on the bottom of the North Sea, drilling their way through frozen methane, threatening to destabilize the entire continental shelf. Swarms of mussels stop large vessels from maneuvering. Toxic jellyfish, lobsters and whales start attacking human beings along the coasts of the world. It follows a global group of scientists and military who come together to tackle one of the biggest challenges mankind has ever faced. They make the chilling discovery that we are not the only intelligent species on this planet — and that deep down at the bottom of the sea resides a collective intelligence which has suffered the ravages of civilization on its habitat and decided to fight back.”

Strange worms, toxic jellyfish, swarms of mussels…sounds like the Seafarer’s Feast™ at Red Lobster™.

NEW FEAR’S EVE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“As the coming year approaches, three friends reluctantly prepare for Hooper Industries’ annual New Year’s Eve bash. The clock ticks down and the body count rises as a psychotic murderer known as The Doctor is on the loose. This sadistic surgeon of death leaves Owensboro covered in blood as local police and FBI are forced to navigate through a maze of bodies left in his wake.”

I liked this better when it was called New Year’s Evil (1980).

Frightful Voices, Shark Cravings, Shiny Giants

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, paranormal, Science Fiction, Sharks, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 25, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

One of the better and hammy fun vampire movies of the ‘80s is Fright Night (1985), wherein a stylish, manscaped vampire moves next door to Charley Brewster, a teen a horror movie fan, who discovers his new neighbor’s penchant for sucking down neck Slurpees™. Charley enlists the help of local TV horror movie host/vampire hunter Peter Vincent (played by Planet of the Apes’ Cornelius), to expose his neighbor’s vampiric activities. The wild stuff that happens from there (sorry, no spoilers) cemented Fright Night’s cult status among horror fans, and was even remade in 2011.

Chris Sarandon, who played Jerry Dandrige, Fright Night’s the lethally smooth vampire, also starred as police detective Mike Norris in 1988’s Child’s Play (he was the guy who shot the criminal guy who, before he could die, voodoo’d himself into a plastic doll and became Chucky), and was the voice of Jack Skellington in 1993’s animated “horror” classic, The Nightmare Before Christmas. His work in horror includes 1977’s The Sentinel, 1991’s The Resurrected, Bordello of Blood in 1996, and a cameo in the 2011 Fright Night remake. (P.S. Fright Night 2: New Blood came out 2013, but he wasn’t in it. Neither was I.) And Sir Sarandon recently returned to the FN universe by voicing A. Jack Ulkrich novel Fright Night: Origins in audiobook format. This is fantastic news for people who don’t know how to read. (Hey, I was wet nursed on TV. Quit judging me.)

Here are the particulars: “You think you know the whole story, don’t you? High school isn’t going well for teenage horror fan Charley Brewster, still dealing with the loss of his father, he finds himself in his first serious relationship with the vibrant and beautiful Amy Peterson. If new love wasn’t complicated enough Charley is also failing Trigonometry. Late one night while cramming for a test Charley spies something suspicious in the yard next door, two men carrying what appears.to be a coffin. What’s going on in the old Victorian House and who are Charley’s new neighbors?”

Fright Night: Origins comes in four Amazon Audible™ options: Kindle™ ($1.99), Audiobook ($0.00), hardcover ($32.99) and paperback ($16.99). Pick your poison here. And while you’re reliving the undead, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be improved by having ’em read to you…

UNDYING / Out now (VOD)

“A tragic car accident puts a woman in a two year coma. She wakes up to find her fiancee is dead and her friends have abandoned her. So she calls on an evil spirit to raise her fiancee from the dead and exact revenge. But revenge always comes with a price.”

Your friends bailed because you were basically a leftover meatloaf for two years. It’s not like they ran out, leaving you to pay the bar tab. And that’s punishable by death by an evil spirit? Geez, some coma patients are so cranky if they don’t get enough — or too much —sleep.

VENUS / Out now (VOD)

“After being caught stealing from her employers, club dancer Lucía seeks shelter with her estranged sister and niece in the Venus, a decrepit apartment complex on the outskirts of Madrid. Soon, Lucía discovers the apartment complex harbors a dark secret threatening to reveal itself after an unexpected solar eclipse.”

I thought all eclipses were solar. They could’ve just said eclipse.

NO SHARK / Out now (Tubi™)

“In this darkly comedic and uniquely angsty journey, twelve vignettes chronicle a young woman’s inner monologue as she visits various NYC beaches in hopes of fulfilling her dream of being eaten by a shark.”

Why is it every gal I meet wants to be eaten by a shark? It’s giving me a complex.

SHIN ULTRAMAN / January 12, 2023 (Fathom™)

“As the threat of giant unidentified lifeforms known as S-Class Species worsens in Japan, a silver giant appears from beyond Earth’s atmosphere.”

As if it needs to be said, the world could use more silver giants wearing shiny tight pants.

Swimming With Monsters, Jurassic Priest, Spooky Bathtub

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Sharks, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 11, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

It’s not just sharks you have to put at harpoon’s length when swimming in the middle of the ocean with no on-duty lifeguard in sight. There’s gangsta otters, serial killer dolphins, kale seaweed… But in the board game of Float: From the Deep, you also have to swim faster than the other players (i.e., bait) to avoid being fatally nibbled on by sea monsters, watery creatures and the pirate zombies that live, work and party in the deadly deep depths.

Created by Mixtape Massacre™, “Float: From the Deep is a fast-paced tabletop game where players find themselves lost at sea, battling ferocious creatures from below and attempting to outsmart and outlast their fellow players. With only seven days to make it to the island in the foggy distance, its sink, swim, or be devoured by the next monster from the deep.”

The standard version of the game will set you back $39.99 clams. You could buy expansion pack options individually, ranging from $3.00 to $14.99. But do yourself a favor and get Float: The Deep Bundle for $70.96, with a savings of five sand dollars.

While you rummage through your Davy Jones locker (i.e., fishbowl coin jar) to dredge up the required bounty, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not leave you with a sinking feeling…

CONJURING THE GENIE II / Out now (YouTube™)

“An aspiring novelist discovers the deadly reality of the legendary Wishmaker.”

Let the genie out of the 12 oz. bottle and make your all your wishes come true.

A HAUNTED TURKISH BATHHOUSE / January 10, 2023 (Blu-ray)

“An abused wife is sold to a brothel to cover her husband’s debts. The deceitful husband is actually behind it all and in cahoots with the brothel Madame, who is his lover. Tani discovers the truth and gets tortured to death. However, the dead woman’s soul seeks vengeance from a most unusual quarter.”

This movie library essential came out in 1975 and is FINALLY getting the Blu-ray makeover it deserves. I’ve long since worn out the VHS copy I found in a semi-haunted YMCA locker room.

INFINITY POOL / January 27, 2023 (Theaters)

“While enjoying an idyllic, luxury vacation, James encounters the seductive Gabi who promises to show him the hidden side of the island resort. Once beyond the gates, she exposes him to a shocking underworld of violence and sex that pushes his boundaries, with terrifying consequences.”

Shocking violence and sex — the peanut butter and jelly of quality movie plots. Really hoping they push the boundaries to new heights by showing what lies beyond bathing suit areas.

VELOCIPASTOR 2 / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“The crime-fighting clergyman who transforms into a dinosaur is set to travel to Europe in a story that involves murders at an Italian fertility festival, Soviet spies and Interpol.”

A crime-fighting priest who turns into a dinosaur. No regrets, Batman, but you’ve just been replaced.

Literary Shark, Throbbing Tombstones, Cheese Rebel

Posted in demons, Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, paranormal, Sharks, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 8, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the library…

For fans of Jaws (not that steely-toothed James Bond criminal villain of the same name in The Spy Who Loved Me/1977, Moonraker/1979), now comes the ultimate illustrated edition of author Peter Benchley’s massively popular book, which has sold over 20 million copies. I’m no math guy, but that appears to be a lot.

From The Folio Society’s website: “Jaws is one of the greatest cult thrillers of all time, seething with sexual tension, political corruption and macabre affairs. The novel is deeper and darker than Steven Spielberg’s seminal 1975 film, while the magnificent shark scenes are some of the most terrifying prose sequences in modern fiction. If ever a novel was begging to be illustrated, this is it.”

Korean artist Hokyoung Kim brings her unique cinematic style to this spectacular edition, including a chilling binding portrait of the Great White shark that terrorizes the community of Amity. Although fear is at the heart of the novel, the fragility of marine life also courses through the narrative, and this theme is explored by Wendy Benchley in her newly commissioned introduction.” Clearly, a lot to chew on.

And because you were eventually gonna ask, here are the specs: 320 pages, 6¼ x 9˝, bound in printed, blocked, and soft-touch laminated paper, Set in Cardo with Clearface Gothic as display, black & white integrated title-page spread plus 7 color illustrations, blocked slipcase. And at $60, it won’t take a bite out of your wallet (heh). I bought the audio book version, but all it had was screaming.

While you sharpen your reading skills, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not need a shark in ’em… 

CEMETERY STORIES / Out now (VOD)

On Halloween a couple, both of which are clairvoyants, drive to a cemetery. They go for fun to pick up vibrations from the tombstones of the deceased. As they pick up vibrations they have visions of how the person died. Each vibration and vision seems to get darker and darker. In the midst of all of this, they are being stalked by a dark shadowy figure. What starts out as some Halloween fun quickly turns to terror.”

Wouldn’t it be funny if the vibrations were coming from a battery-powered personal comfort device? I sure think so.

MAD HEIDI / December 8, 2022 (VOD)

Heidi as she’s never been seen before — a badass, kick-ass rebel with the brute strength to slice an opponent in two with a battle axe. In a dystopian Switzerland that has fallen under the fascist rule of a cheese magnate, Heidi lives as a simple young woman in the mountains. Her grandfather does his best to protect her from the bad influences of the world, but soon her longing for personal freedom will spark a revolution. The naive mountain girl turns into a fierce fighter who has to put an end to the cheese fascists.”

Wonder if there’ll be singing and dancing to go along with all the die kill bleed…and cheese?

NIGHT OF THE SCARINESS / December 9, 2022 (VOD)

“Guaranteed to make you scream and cry and piss your pants and vomit yourself.”

Would this be during or after a night at the Tug Tavern?

NIGHT OF THE BASTARD / January 13, 2023 (VOD)

“Disgruntled hermit Reed lives a solitary life in the desert. After chasing away a group of youths trying to party near his home, Reed’s peaceful life is violently upheaved when a group of savage cultists lay siege to his house. Forced to partner up with one of the party-goers, Reed and his newfound colleague must defend themselves into the night, all while long-buried and disturbing secrets are revealed to him as part of the cult’s evil plan.”

Partying youthssavage cultistsviolent upheaval. Sounds like my neighbors.

Monster Boat, UFO Lyft, Shark Sham

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, paranormal, Science Fiction, Sharks, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 23, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

It’s called Pangeos, a Kaiju-sized, solar-powered floating city that can hold 60,000 people and sail indefinitely around the world with no emissions. The same cannot be said for Gamera and/or Godzilla, as emissions or “radioactive bodily discharges,” are part of their weapons arsenal. With those kinds of stats, though, no one should get sticker shock at the vessel’s “eight years to build, $8 billion to make” price tag.

From Lazzarini Design Studio’s website, the designers behind this staggering monolithic concept: “Pangeos is named in honor of the Pangea super-continent that existed millions of years ago during the late Paleozoic and early Mesozoic eras.” I didn’t understand a word of that. But Lazzarini, whose name sounds like an expensive Italian cocktail garnished with a bread stick, says the colossal catamaran “is a mix between a five-star resort, a cruise ship and a city, and can accommodate as many as 60,000 guests via a combination of villas and apartments. Other highlights include a rooftop mall, sprawling gardens, several pools and a supersized beach club. Naturally, the yacht is fitted with helipads, hangars and marinas to store choppers, toys and tenders.” Naturally. 

The boat is obviously inspired by Pacific Rim’s (2013) Jaegers (gigantic humanoid mechas — “To beat monsters, we had to build monsters”). As such, the Gamera-shaped floating city that can hold tens of thousands of screaming citizens, is a next-level boat, referred to as a Teryacht, which could easily be a name of a new Godzilla foe (or “nemesis”). Heck, the gargantuan gondola is so big, it could host at least 100 Gyaos on Spring Break.

In rough seas, the next sound you’ll hear is 60,000 people throwing up in unison. So while we wait for Pangeos to be built, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need Dramamine™ to watch…

MISSING 411: THE UFO CONNECTION / December 13, 2022 (VOD)

“In his third documentary, David Paulides reveals the first evidence documenting a link between UFOs and missing people.”

They’re not missing — they did a UFO ride-share to get off this toilet Earth

LULLABY / December 16, 2022 (VOD)

“A new mother discovers a lullaby in an ancient book and soon regards the song as a blessing. But her world transforms into a nightmare when the lullaby brings forth the ancient demon Lilith.”

All the really good lullabies are found in ancient books. That’s why they’re so in popular with new mothers. They get ‘em at ScaryMommy.com. Bet you didn’t know that’s a real website.

WATCHDOG / release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After narrowly escaping an armed robbery, Travis Wilkes invites the drifter who saved him back to the isolated home where he and his girlfriend reside, not realizing that he’s opened the door to a night of terror and brutal revenge.”

You want a night of brutality and terror, open the door to the Tug Tavern.

SHARK TRAP / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

Every summer, the little island town of Ocean Point stirs with new life and pleasure-seeking vacationists. A water park is opening against the wishes of the local islanders. Nefarious business dealings leave a dead body in the water — and it draws a shiver of sharks to the area. The amusement park becomes a feeding ground for a great white shark.”

I thought a feeding ground WAS an amusement park for a shark. Given the over-chewed plot, clearly this is a shark movie made by people who’ve never seen a shark movie.

Gas Station Horror, Amoral Aliens, Slasher Sex

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , on November 16, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The problem is you’ve watched all the new horror movie crap and are left holding the colostomy bag. But what if you could access horror’s dark underbelly? Specifically, obscure horror titles released on VHS (super-sized cassettes) that you’d only find on off-brand gas station video shelves? The Terror Vision Video Club is now here to complete you with deliciously lurid Z-grade horror that were once thought lost to the sands of time/discount bins.

A subscription model, TTVVC is brightening our TV screens with such bottom of the bowl jewels as WNUF Halloween Special, Norway, Killing Spree, Love & Saucers, Video Violence 1&2, and Blood, Guts, Sunshine and Santa Claws. But such treasures don’t come cheap. You’ll have to cough up $225 though, to be granted keys to the kingdom. And heck, you can join at any time (click here) and receive the next 10 Terror Vision home video titles as they are released.

But wait, there’s more: You’ll pay a discounted amount instead of the regular retail price for the Blu-rays/UHDs. You’ll be guaranteed a slipcover of each release. You’ll receive a Terror Vision Video Club t-shirt. You will get a login to the Terror Vision Club wholesale page where you can buy other TV products for cheap, such as merch, cassettes, vinyl records, and other goodies. And with the wholesale page login perk, you will NOT pay for shipping domestically. It doesn’t get sweeter than this.

So while we’re waiting for TTVVC to anoint our unworthy eyeballs with Attack of the Killer Refrigerator and Happy Hell Night, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worthy of a gas station discount bin…

FLAMING EARS / November 18, 2022 (Theaters/VOD)

Flaming Ears is a pop sci-fi lesbian extravaganza set in the year 2700 in the fictional burned-out city of Asche that follows the tangled lives of three women. Spy is a comic book artist whose printing presses are burned down by Volley, a sexed-up pyromaniac. Seeking revenge, Spy goes to the lesbian club where Volley performs every night. Before she can enter, Spy gets into a fight and is left wounded in the streets. She is found by Nun, an amoral alien in a red plastic suit with a predilection for reptiles, who also happens to be Volley’s lover.” 

Almost sounds like a set up for an epic joke: “A comic book artist, a sexed-up pyromaniac and an amoral alien walk into a lesbian club…” You can take it from here. (Keep it nice.)

CANDY LAND / January 6, 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“A naive and devout young woman finds herself cast from a religious cult. With no place to turn, she immerses herself in the underground world of truck stop sex workers, aka, “lot lizards.”

Despite the unashamed baring of boobies, this one is described as being more of a traditional horror slasher movie than something you’d pay hard-earned quarters to watch on coin-operated viewing machines in pornography establishments.

THE MEG 2: THE TRENCH Release pending 2023 (Theaters)

No official plot yet, but here’s a swing at it: A Megalodon (xxxxlg shark), ascending from the sewer depths of the Mariana Trench, goes topside and makes Happy Meals™ out of human floaties. That sounds about right. 

AQUAMAN AND THE LOST KINGDOM / December 25, 2023 (Theaters)

Aquaman forges an uneasy alliance with an unlikely ally to save Atlantis and the rest of the planet.”

A teaser plot, though it’s possible there’s more to it than just saving Atlantis (who cares?) and the rest of the planet (no one cares). Suffice to say, after Aquaman (2018), there’s likely to be even more tuna, more Free Willys and (wait for it)…more murder clams! If that’s the case, I hereby pledge all my sand dollars to see it. 

Chews From These Shark Movies

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, paranormal, Science Fiction, Sharks, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 29, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

You can make ‘em fly, put ‘em into space, turn ‘em into ghosts and robots, possess ‘em with the Devil and make ‘em swim on littered streets. But at the end of the day, sharks are gonna do what Jesus put ‘em here to do: chew and swallow people. That’s what we pay ‘em to do and that’s why there are one hundred billion shark movies with the same eating problems. You’d think that would get old, but it just doesn’t.

Sure, there are other things that eat people: zombies that don’t brush or floss, fine-dining cannibals, extra-extra-extra large snakes, murder bears… But there’s something about the remorseless, bottomless stomach shark that resonates on a level that supersedes even that of the all-you-can-eat Royal Fork Buffet™.

That said, there are a ton of shark horror movies that suck. We’ve seen all of them. Here, then, is a snack platter of shark movies that still suck, albeit slightly less…

HORROR SHARK (2020)

Horror Shark has as many different titles as he has teeth: Blood Bite, Blood Shark, Xus Sha… (it’s a Chinese movie, so be prepared to read it.) Genetically-altered sharks, conspiracies, scuba divers not paying attention. You know the drill.

ALIEN SHARK (2022)

A meteor carrying an extraterrestrial shark crashes to Earth and the beast heads to the beach for some out-of-this-world see food. It’s as believable as it sounds.

SKY SHARKS (2020)

Nazis, hiding in the Land of Ice and Snow (Antarctic), have been experimenting on sharks instead of penguins, modifying them to be able to fly. And the Nazis, trying YET AGAIN to conquer the world, ride ‘em like winged rodeo sharks and attack commercial airliners. It’s as believable as it sounds.

ATOMIC SHARK (2016)

Mutated by radiation leaking like a blown bladder out of a sunken Russian submarine, these atomic sharks (more than one) are jock itch red and covered in jock itch pus pustules. This compliments their char-broiled fins and irradiated blemishes. The rest of the plot does not matter.

NOAH’S SHARK (2021)

A televangelist (religious grifter) and a team of people holding cameras head out to find the mythical Noah’s Ark (i.e., barnyard barge). But biblical prophecies hit the fan when they discover the divine dinghy is guarded by a prehistoric shark and an ancient curse. Well played, God.

OUIJA SHARK (2020)

Teenage girls use a Ouija board to summon the spirit of a teen-eating shark. While most of us would’ve use the board to order Uber-Eats™, someone/something still gets to strap on the feedbag.

SHARK ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND (2020)

The plan to use sharks to fulfill their invasion strategy, super mean aliens find out too late that sharks also have a taste for imported cuisine. 

SHARK EXORCIST (2015)

A nun, fed up with her prayers never being answered, switches political parties and goes full on demonic. She uses her newfound affiliation with the Devil to possess a great white shark. It doesn’t take long for the collection plate to turn into a dinner plate.

SHARK HUNTRESS (2021)

An environmentalist goes underwater to battle sea garbage and a garbage-eating shark. Guess what — everything is yummy garbage to a shark…including you.

SHARK SIDE OF THE MOON (2022)

Gotta hand it to the Russians — not only did they succeed in creating indestructible sharks, they sent ‘em to the moon to deal with those pesky flag-planting, rock-collecting American astronauts.

SHARKULA (2022)

Vampire sharks prey on a tourist community as though it were a tomato soup vending machine. There was a Sharkula movie that came out in 2013 with almost the exact same plot. That one didn’t go very far. Neither will this one. 

VIRUS SHARK (2021)

A shark-bite spreads the SHVID-1 virus. (It probably got it by having unprotected mating with a Sperm Whale.) Unbitten/unvaccinated scientists work feverishly around the test tube to find a cure. Do they succeed? Does it matter?

P.S. I went the whole blog post without once mentioning Jaws and… Crap — just did. Dang it.

The Horror of Amityville

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, paranormal, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers, Vampires, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , on October 19, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The real horror of The Amityville Horror (1979) isn’t the indoor fly infestation, floating pig with brake light eyes, puking priests, unmedicated personality disorders and the highway to Hell in the basement. It’s the horror classic’s legacy, spawning a staggering 33 direct and non-direct “sequels,” all co-opting the title, which was forever attached to the real life Lutz family’s 28 day ordeal after moving into the most paranormal tilt-a-whirl of houses.

In the famous book-turned-movie (author Jay Anson/1977), the ghostly demon stuff boiled over to the point the Lutz clan bolted out the front door, pants half off and screaming, leaving their precious knickknacks and toothbrushes. No word if they managed to take their pig with them. Maybe it just flew away.

Note: Redfin™ currently values the world’s most notorious abode (108 Ocean Avenue, Long Island, NY 11701) at a not-unreasonable $1,022,336.00 (3.5 baths, 5 bedroom, 3,756 sq. ft., semi-finished highway to Hell basement). It sold for $605,000 in 2017 and is still privately owned. So much for privacy, though — getting in and out of the driveway is a b*tch thanks to “go-f*ck-your-selfie” tourists streaming by day and night to get a pic of themselves and evil not as frightening as social media. 

Because the movie was such a big hit and resonated with homeowners who may or may not have a highway to Hell in their basement, the word “Amityville” has become pop culture synonymous with horror. Meaning there are no sacred cows here; everything from clowns to cops, sharks to vampires, as long as you slap “Amityville” somewhere in the title, it’s all fair game. (Amityville Cow — heh.)

And why not? As Wikipedia™ tells us, “upon its release in the summer of 1979, The Amityville Horror was a major commercial success for American International Pictures, grossing over $80 million (worth $328,319,229.76 in today’s pocket coupons) in the United States, going on to become one of the highest-grossing independent films of all time.”

Truly, the Sacred Cow is really a cash cow. Moovin’ on up!

No doubt there are more Amityville spin-offs in the works, and liberties taken with the “For God’s Sake, Get Out!” tag line. To that, my offering: Amityville: Last Call — For God’s Sake, Drink Up!