Corpse Cuddling, Witch Hook-up, Sharks On Acid

There were two outstanding achievements in the field of zombies in George A. Romero’s Day of the Dead (1985): Dr. Tongue, who had half his lower faced chewed off, leaving his barely attached tongue flapping like a chunk of roast beef in the wind, and Bub, an iconic semi-housebroken zombie with a gun. Now you can get both as stuffed plushies from Toynk.com™ for the post-apocalyptic sale price of $35.99 each.

From Toynk’s™ website: “There’s never been a zombie quite like Bub, domesticated here just like his on-screen counterpart. The reanimated soldier who kept following orders even after death has risen again in this plush version of the flesh-eating music lover. Undead but still huggable, your affection for this Bub character plushie will be undying. This faithful zombie friend measures approximately 14 inches, from combat boots to hair. This stuffed corpse is ready to give you a cuddle you’ll never forget.”

Now THAT’S a sales pitch. So while we contemplate cuddling a stuffed corpse, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your tongue flap like a chunk of roast beef in the wind…

AFTER / Out now (Tubi™, Googleplay™, Vudu™)

“Two bus crash survivors wake from a coma to discover they are the only inhabitants of a small town slowly being consumed by a monster storm. Are they dead or is it a nightmare? As they attempt to find a way out, they soon learn that they are not alone. Inside the mist is a creature hell bent on preventing their escape.”

A creature in the mist? Where have I heard that before? Oh, yeah — 2007.

NECRONOMICON / Out now (Vimeo OnDemand™)

“The Necronomicon is used to lure victims to their death and capture their souls. One such person is the comic book writer George Carney who thinks his visit to New Orleans is to research a new book. In fact, he his there to impregnate the witch, Zilia before she sucks the very soul from his body so his child can be brought back as the reincarnation of Aleister Crowley himself.”

A Tinder™ date with a witch. That’s a new one.

BIRD BOX BARCELONA / July 14, 2023 (Netflix™)

“After a mysterious force decimates the world’s population by causing all who see it to take their lives, Sebastian and his young daughter Anna must navigate their own journey of survival through the desolate streets of Barcelona. But as they form an uneasy alliance with other survivors and make their way toward a safe haven, a threat more sinister than the unseen creatures grows.”

This one takes place during the same timeline as its predecessor, so it’s not a sequel or a prequel. In that one in the post-apocalyptic world, and a mom tells her two young kids that they’re gonna down a river in a rowboat. She sternly instructs them not to remove their blindfolds, or they will die. Sounds like Speed Dating Night at the Tug Tavern.

NARCO SHARK / Pending crowdfunding 2023 (VOD)

“Narco Shark, aka The Greatest Action Film NEVER Made, is a feature length movie inspired by low-budget ’80s action films like Miami Connection and Samurai Cop, with a heavy dose of David Lynch’s surrealism and Lucio Fulci’s dream logic. It is also heavily influenced by the Sharksploitation and Mexploitation genres and will feature a SOV (Shot on Video) aesthetic prevalent on low budget 80’s horror.”

They should get Narco Shark to go after Cocaine Bear.

More Megalodons, AI Sci-Fi, Cutlery Kids

As mystically foretold on my May 9, 2023 blogging, here are three more/new ad sheets for Meg 2: The Trench, these coming from the incredibly prolific Xin Yi Lian, whose done countless movie art, including Time Raiders, Journey to the West: Reincarnation of the Demon King, and the 2021 Chinese 3D animated fantasy action film, Xin Shen Bang: Ne Zha Chongsheng. I don’t know what that means.

The new art — like the movie’s trailer — promises more giant and super mean creatures from the bottom of the ocean, including a kaiju-esque Kraken (Seattle hockey franchise AND big squid) and THREE megs. Releasing on August 4, 2023, Meg 2: The Trench looks to chew up and sh*t out the summer box office competition.

So while we wait for even more Meg 2 movie posters (there were 26 for the first movie), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as easily pronounceable as Xin Shen Bang: Ne Zha Chongsheng…

TRANSMUTATORS / Out now (VOD)

“Set in a time when mutants and behemoth alien warriors have come to a rule, a rebel group of survivors must embrace mega fighting machines to take on intergalactic invaders threatening humanity. 

This Filipino science fiction action film, or “movie”, was originally called Resiklo, which translates to Recycle. Given the photocopied plot plot, that sounds about right…

THE CREATOR / September 29, 2023 (Theaters)

“Amid a future war between the human race and the forces of Artificial Intelligence, Joshua, a hardened ex-special forces agent grieving the disappearance of his wife, is recruited to hunt down and kill the Creator, the elusive architect of advanced AI who has developed a mysterious weapon with the power to end the war — and mankind itself.”

The Terminator is listed as one of the screenwriters.

HORRORSCOPE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A group of college friends who, after getting their horoscopes read, begin dying in ways connected to their fortunes. Are their fates fatal or can they change what’s written in the stars?”

So college friends begin dying and it’s asked if their fates are fatal? Who wrote this — a college student? 

TIME OF MOULTING / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“In a small town in 1970s West Germany, Stephanie is raised by two parents who have no business having children. The mother, never far from despair-induced collapse, suffers from an unspecified medical condition — one both mental and physical. The father makes it clear that he has no patience for his daughter Young Stephanie takes solace in exploring the mysteries hidden away in the increasingly untidy house, particularly the trunk full of her grandfather’s butcher’s equipment; older Stephanie takes far more sinister comfort in the tools found therein.”

Say what you will about kids playing with butcher tools — at least it keeps ’em away from drugs.

Teeth With Bite, Doctor Vampire, Sharp-Dressed Werewolf

One of the more unsettling features of Pennywise the Dancing Clown in the 2017 billion dollar hit horror movie IT —besides his remarkably groomed Sideshow Bob hair style, is his pre-eat-your-face-off teeth. Looking like he hasn’t sat in a dentist chair in decades, the wood-chipper choppers look like he could out bite a shark. And now you can have the same bladder-loosening bridgework with the It Pennywise Fang Teeth — for only $24.99. (Check to see if your dental insurance will cover it.)

Available on the OrientalTrading.com website, the monster molars are described like this: “Amazing IT Pennywise Fang Teeth come with upper and lower teeth and are made from soft flexible plastic. Includes: upper and lower teeth and are made from soft flexible plastic. Each set of teeth are meticulously painted to show all the horrible monstrous detail seen on the screen. Applying the teeth is easy, thanks to our Friendly Plastic Pellets that come with each set of teeth. Simply heat up the Friendly Plastic in hot water, position the Friendly Plastic into the teeth and fit them over your own teeth, making a custom fit. One size fits most adults.” There are so many disturbing things about that product description, I don’t know where to begin. Regardless, you can buy it here.

So while we buy a set and go around saying “cheese!” to everyone on the bus, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have any teeth. P.S. be true to your teeth — or they will be false to you…

MOTION DETECTED / May 19, 2023 (VOD)

“Eva narrowly escaped being murdered during a recent terrifying home invasion in Mexico City. She and her husband decide to relocate to Los Angeles where she can recuperate. But when her husband has to travel for business, she’s left alone in an unfamiliar place and suffering from paranoia. She’s consoled by the smart home security system, but the technology is difficult to master and she starts to wonder if it will actually keep her safe or take over her life.”

Smart Home tech is gonna be the death of us all. My Roomba™ keeps sucking up my car keys — on purpose. He hates me, I just know it.

FANGS OUT / May 23 (VOD)

“A group of college students head to Mexico for some cheap plastic surgery. There they meet Doctor Pavor, a creepy surgeon who is actually a vampire, harvesting victims for his blood cartel. Aided by his bloodthirsty nurses he systematically carries out his evil plan. When a detective looking for his missing daughter arrives, all hell breaks loose in a bloody combustible conclusion.”

College idiots trying to score cheap plastic surgery? The vampires are the least of their problems.

BONE COLD / June 13, 2023 (VOD, Blu-ray)

“After bad intel from headquarters results in a tragic civilian death, an elite sniper duo attempts to flee the area but can’t seem to shake a mysterious, inhuman creature stalking them from the shadows.

Judging from the art, it looks like these snipers are out in the snow, which means the inhuman creature stalking them is a trendy hipster wearing an L.L. Bean Norseland Insulated Parka™ (on sale for under $200).

SCREAM OF THE WOLF / June 13, 2023 (VOD)

“Making a vampire movie in an old, abandoned house should have been easy, but with the full moon, the nightmare begins. The body count rises as the cast and crew encounter the mansion’s resident werewolf and by daylight only the lucky will survive.”

Scream of the Wolf is also the name of the 1974 made-for-TV “movie”, wherein the werewolf, in human form, wears a green corduroy jacket with a pleated white turtle neck sweater. Stylish in any decade. P.S. This was originally titled, Wolf Manor, which I previewed in November of 2022. At least I think I did — I can’t remember last year…or what I drank for breakfast, for that matter.

Shark Treats, Island Vampires, Stupid Zombies

Three new official character posters for Meg 2: The Trench. (The one I posted on November 16, 2022 was a fan-made piece of crap.) Quick update in case you didn’t see The Meg back in 2018 — a megalodon shark, about the size of Florida, swims up from the bottom of the ocean for some screaming taste treats. Now, in Meg 2: The Trench, more megalodons and added hungry sea monsters come to the surface for — you guessed it — more screaming taste treats.

The opening scene in the trailer for Meg 2: The Trench shows a dinosaur being attacked and graphically consumed by a shore-breaching megalodon. From there it gets even more believable. There were 26 movie posters for The Meg, so these three are just the tip of the tooth. Meg 2: The Trench opens wide in theaters on August 4, 2023.

While we go get in line for the movie now (you want good seats, don’t you?), here are few out now horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not go down as easily as screaming taste treats…

RESURRECTED / Out now (VOD)

“The Catholic Church learns how to resurrect people. The whole process is kept secret and follows strict rules: only sinless believers under the age of 65 can be resurrected. The film is set on the computer of Stanley, an on-line church priest who helps those who were brought back to life. He is divorced and his son lives with his ex-wife, so he can chat with him only on-line. Stanley’s son was the first person to be resurrected after he died in a car accident that Stanley caused. Soon Stanley learns that there is a huge conspiracy behind the resurrection process.”

Just like the Catholic Church™ to impose a pile of strict rules in order to be brought back from the dead. I bet that Jesus guy got a free pass.

PULAU / Out now (VOD)

“The vacation of a group of youngsters turns into an endless horrifying nightmare after a losing bet forces them to spend a night on a deserted island. As they stumble upon a mysterious abandoned village, they accidentally break an old spell that was placed to restrain an antagonizing spirit trapped in the island. One by one, they are made to suffer the gripping and gruesome consequences of their mistakes, infuriating an evil creature that needs human blood to stay alive. The only way out is in the hands of a girl who desperately needs to use her supernatural gift to untangle an unsettling history connected to a tainted cross-cultural love story.”

Sounds like they happened upon one of those possible island vampires. They’re allergic to papaya, command a legion of monkey butlers and have to wear so much sunblock, they look like members of KISS.

TULAH 6/13 / Out now (VOD)

“Five teenagers who decided to go on vacation on June 13 before getting preoccupied with their final college assignments. But their beautiful vacation plans turned tense after the car they were driving was involved in a single accident. Gilang, who woke up alone in the car, tried to find his other four friends, but at the same time he received a barrage of terror that terrified him. These terrors made him remember his childhood trauma when he celebrated his birthday which falls on June 13th.”

The last time I received a barrage of terror that terrified me was walking into the Tug Tavern during speed dating night.

UNDEADUCATED / Out now (VOD)

“So, what might happen if you were stuck late at school when the zombie apocalypse happens? What’s going on? Is this all part of some twisted experiment the professor is conducting on the kids? Did the crazy cook do it? Will they see tomorrow?”

They just found a way to make zombie movies even worse.

Gigantic Empire, Behind The Nightmare, Board With Sharks

After much speculation and ballyhoo (sorry — word of the day calendar), the OFFICIAL title for the next Godzilla/Kong movie is…Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire. Not sure what the “x” stands for, though given their newfound BFF status at the end of Godzilla vs. Kong (2021), they should title the movie, Godzilla xoxo Kong: The New Empire.

The 30 second teaser trailer shows a sinewy Kong sitting on his throne, throwing out his infamous “frowning of a lifetime glare,” while the scene pulls back over a sea of kaiju bones, culminating in two mega gigantic skulls formerly belonging to a previous Godzilla and Kong. Or maybe they are the bone-y remains of the current Godzilla and Kong and the Kong sitting on the throne is a new one. Or maybe I should just shut up and wait for the movie to find out, which is targeted to Imax™ and non-Imax™ screens on March 15, 2024.

Regardless, pant-tingling news for Godzilla and Kong fans, of which I am one. More tingles: there’s also a Skull Island anime series coming to Netflix™ and a live-action Godzilla and the Titans series coming to Apple TV+™ with Kurt Russell. I need to go do a load of laundry right now.

So while we IMPATIENTLY wait for March 15, 2024, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not make your pants tingle…

HELLO HORROR / Out now (Screambox™, Bloody Disgusting TV)

“Hello Horror, featuring Vanessa Decker, Ryan Valdez, and Jones Bones, is a genre variety show that covers the spooky community – everything from red carpets, museums, cocktails, events, games, plus more. Vanessa and her crew take the audience on adventures, shining a light on the amazing community the genre has generated.”

I would like to drink a cocktail while standing on a red carpet in a museum. Just as long as there’s a bathroom close by because, hey, cocktails.

HOLLYWOOD, DREAMS & NIGHTMARES: THE ROBERT ENGLUND STORY / June 6, 2023 (Screambox™)

“Featuring interviews with Robert Englund and his wife Nancy, as well as fellow genre icons Lin Shaye, Eli Roth, Kane Hodder, Tony Todd, Adam Green, Bill Moseley, Heather Langenkamp and more, the documentary follows Englund’s career from his early days in Buster and Billie and Stay Hungry (starring with Arnold Schwarzenegger) to his big break in the 1980s as Freddy Krueger, to his directorial debut with the 1988 horror film 976-EVIL to his iconic acting status in current roles such as Netflix’s™ hit series, Stranger Things. With each new film in the series, Englund’s status as an icon grew until he became one of the most recognizable names in horror. Grossing over $450M at the box office, the Nightmare franchise has shown itself to be one of the most prolific in horror history. Spawning, merchandise, a television series and a 2010 remake, Englund’s influence continues to ripple across the genre.”

I saw each of the nine Freddy Krueger movie seven times each. So I’m responsible for at least $50 million of his box office take. (Note to Sir Englund: I need a receipt for my taxes — I’m writing it off as gambling losses. 

THE HORROR OF DELORES ROACH / July 7, 2023 (Amazon™ Original Series) 

“The Horror of Dolores Roach is based on the hit Gimlet podcast. The eight-episode, half-hour series is a contemporary Sweeney Todd-inspired tale, a macabre urban legend of love, betrayal, weed, gentrification, cannibalism, and survival of the fittest.”

Delores Roach. I hear she…bugs…a lot of people. Comedy gold, right there.

OUIJA SHARK 2 / July 25, 2023 (VOD), August 15, 2023 (DVD, Blu-ray)

“When the Ouija Shark emerges from Hell to cause havoc once more on earth, a sorcerer with a history of fighting the ghostly great white must follow it into a multiverse hellscape for one final battle. But this time he is bringing along some friends to help send the shark into oblivion.”

Maybe the sorcerer can conjure Quint from the dead to assist. He deserves punitive justice after Jaws ate him in half back in the Seventies. That was so mean of Jaws to do that.

Sleeping With Zombies, Underwear Sharks, Demon Babies

In the 1978 zombie game changer Dawn of the Dead, a few humans hole up in a shopping mall to ride out the chewable apocalypse. Two of said humans are what remains of a SWAT team. Life in the mall is sweet — until zombies drop in for a bite. Roger “Trooper” DeMarco, one of the loose cannon SWAT guys, gets careless and ends up bitten by one of the germ-infected undead, and slowly turns into one of the gang. The scene of him lying in a mall-provided bed about to die and then un-die, is one of Dawn of the Dead’s most iconic moments. And now, thanks to Trick or Treat Studios™, you can get that moment immortalized as a pillow pal prop.

From Trick or Treat Studios™ and Radar Licensing’s™ product description: “We are proud to present the official Dawn of the Dead Roger Pillow Pal Prop from George A Romero’s classic zombie film, Dawn of the Dead. This beautifully sculpted prop is an amazing recreation of Roger as he turns into a zombie in one of the most famous scenes in zombie cinema. The Roger Pillow Pal comes with a pillow that Roger is attached to via Velcro so you place Roger in your own bed!”

Simply put, your horror life will not be complete until you have a zombie Roger Pillow Pal next to you every night. And at $79.99, it’s a small price to pay to be fulfilled. So while you rush over to NightmareToys.com to get on (buy it now), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as sweet as living in a shopping mall…

WAR OF THE WORLDS: THE ATTACK / November, 2023 (Theaters)

“Three young astronomers tracking a meteorite crashing into Earth discover they are at the epicenter of a Martian invasion.”

Kinda racist to assume the invasion was started by Martians. Maybe its those extraterrestrials from Uranus. I hear they’re a bunch of…a**holes. Heh. 

BIG SHARK / April 2, 2023 (VOD)

“Three firefighters must save New Orleans from a shark attack.”

The trailer for this one is an understatement of confusing, being part boxing movie, part shark attack and part underwear commercial. The shark part is cool and I suppose we could always use new underwear, especially after you fill ’em while watching the extra-extra-large Carcharodon carcharias jump out of the water and chomp on land dwellers. Maybe the boxing part is to show how they’re gonna battle the shark — with a stiff uppercut. In these terms, maybe Big Shark isn’t that confusing at all.

WINTERTIDE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Beth, a volunteer watch person of an isolated northern city battles a plague of depression that transforms the few remaining residents into empty, zombie-like automatons. She discovers that by entering an alternative dimension through her own dreams, she’s able to stave off the illness during the long, possibly endless winter. But will her power be enough to sustain her?”

Alternative dimension = drinking. It’s not science, people.

NIGHTMARE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Mona moves into a big apartment in an old building with her boyfriend Robby, who has just landed his dream job, and soon falls pregnant with their first child. She is plagued by bad dreams, and when the new-born baby next door dies, her crippling nightmares intensify — night after night, the same demon attacks her in her sleep. Mona begins to believe that the creature is very real and that it is seeking to enter our world through her unborn child. Soon she will realize that not all nightmares are over when you wake up.”

All newborns are angels, but eventually turn into demons…and stay that way until they turn 18 and you kick ’em out of the house.

Monster Trucks, AI Love Dolls, Mexican Sharks

Rockers and horror fans rejoice —1986’s Maximum Overdrive is getting the Blu-ray SteelBook DVD makeover by Lionsgate’s Vestron Video Collector’s Series™ and being released with a ton of extras on May 30, 2023 for $19.96 as a Walmart™ exclusive (preorder it here). Hold it Maybelle, don’t set the table — what does this have to do with rock and horror? Zip your rock hole and I’ll tell you.

1. Maximum Overdrive was based on Stephen King’s short story, “Trucks”, from his Night Shift collection, which was published in 1978, the same year as Van Halen’s debut album. 2. The movie’s screenplay was not only written by Stephen King, he directed it as well, his first time doing that. 3. Maximum Overdrive’s soundtrack is entirely made up of AC/DC songs.

So MO’s Blu-ray SteelBook — a sort of lunchbox for DVDs — has new audio commentary, featurettes, interviews with the actors, behind the scenes stuff, and the making of the Happy Toyz Goblin fixed to the front of a sentient, killing diesel truck. (They can call it the Happy Toyz Goblin but we all know it’s Spider-Man’s arch nemesis, the Green Goblin. In your face, Happy Toyz.) 

From the Lionsgate press release: “Get ready for the ultimate battle of man vs. bloodthirsty machine in this terrifying Stephen King classic! For three horrifying days, the Earth passes through the tail of a mysterious comet. The skies glow an eerie green as humanity waits to see what the fallout will be. But what they imagine is nothing like the nightmare they find — the comet’s magnetic fields cause all the machines on Earth to suddenly come to life and terrorize their human creators in a horrific killing spree. Now, it’s up to a small group of people trapped in a desolate truck stop to defeat the killer machines — or be killed by them!”

Machines coming to life and killing humans. Just a reminder — this was 21 years before 2007’s Transformers, with autobot machines doing the same thing. (They even had goofy heavy metal band member names: Optimus Prime, Ironhide, Jazz, Prowl, Arcee, Ratchet, Wheeljack, Bumblebee, Megatron, Starscream, Soundwave, Ravage, Laserbeak, Rumble, Skywarp and Shockwave. Somewhere Gwar laughs into the night.)

So while we all crank up some AC/DC and taunt our kitchen appliances, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your toaster go postal…

ENYS MEN / March 31, 2023 (Limited Theaters, VOD pending)

“Set in 1973 on an uninhabited island off the British coast, a wildlife volunteer descends into a terrifying metaphysical and ecosophical journey that challenges her grip on reality and pushes her into a living nightmare.”

Sounds intriguing, but they’re not selling me with the movie’s off-putting title. How about Mind Island Destructo or Isle of Die Kill Bleed or Apprehension Archipelago? Now there’s some juice.

SIMULANT / April 7, 2023 (Theaters), May 5, 2023 (VOD)

“Faye attempts to replace her newly deceased husband, Evan, with an android simulant (SIM). Although SIM Evan appears like human Evan in every way, Faye does not feel the same love for SIM Evan as it does for her. SIM Evan tries to win Faye back while at the same time being on-the-run from a government agent chasing down SIMs who have become ‘conscious’ and could potentially be a threat to humankind.”

Android simulant, my motherboard — she created an A.I. love doll for horizontal dating purposes.

THE BLACK DEMON April 28, 2023 (Theaters)

“When oilman Paul Sturges takes his family to Bahia Negra, the crown jewel of Baja and the site of Paul’s best-performing rig, the vibrant Mexican coastal town he once knew has mysteriously crumbled. In the decrepit ghost town, the last inhabitants tell Paul the offshore platform has awoken ‘El Demonio.’ Scared to be left alone, the family follows Paul out to the platform and just after they get on, the man and boat that risked bringing them is ferociously attacked by a massive black shark. This shark is unlike any other creature; a shark of legend, known as The Black Demon. It has laid claim to the local waters aggressively protecting mother nature against human threats. It kills everything and repeatedly charges the oil rig itself, threatening to destroy it. Paul and his family are stranded with the few men who have survived and now discover explosive charges have been set on the legs of the platform. Under constant attack by the giant monster and with the time literally ticking away, Paul must find a way to somehow get his family back to shore alive.”

If you’ve seen the trailer for The Black Demon (YouTube™), the shark on the movie’s ad sheet is ratio-sized correctly. And for all involved, oil in the water is the least of pollutants that’ll happen if they encounter you-know-who.

THE WOODMEN / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Three individuals who find themselves in a fight for their lives as they attempt to escape from a clan of feral humans that call the Smoky Mountains home. Together, they battle the cunning and elusive adversary that wants nothing more than to protect their land with deadly and savage force.”

Feral humans = hippies. Elusive adversaries protecting their land = hippies squatters.

Glazed Gorilla, Bearly Evil, Ghost Criminals

In King Kong vs. Godzilla, the 1962 kaiju classic dust up, there was the hilariously memorable and infamous scene where Kong gets drunk as a mecha-skunk and passes out, his bar tab covered by jungle natives. This is so he can be taken passively to Japan for promotional purposes and ends up in a smackdown with Godzilla, who is a total teetotaler. (The outcome depended on whether you live in the US or Japan.) Now you can get a Drunk Kong action (or would that be non-action) figure and get your jungle boogie on.

From TemptingToysandCollectibles.com website: “Rotokaiju drunk King Kong 1962 30cm Vinyl figure fully built and painted (made in 2020). This limited version was completely built and painted by the manufacturer and has the ‘drunk’ Kong face and three Suma Juice jars.” Drunk Kong stands 12” inches tall — or 12” long when he’s laying in the gutter, stinking of Suma Juice highballs. That’s the fun news. The opposite of that is Drunk Kong costs $1,999.00. (Conversely, a six-pack of Suma Juice is only $1.00._ Spend your money here.

The way they transport Drunk Kong off Faro Island was genius, strapping him to hot air balloons and gently escorting the drunky monkey off the premises. FYI: If you plan on chugging down a few jars of Suma Juice (called Soma Juice on the box and Farolacton Juice on Kong’s island), be sure and have a designated balloon handler to get you home — don’t drink and float.

So while we head to the Faro Island’s corner liquor store to stock up on Farolacton Juice and become a party animal, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your head swell up like a balloon…

ADALYNN / March 28, 2023 (VOD)

“A mother is fighting postpartum depression and slipping over the edge. It becomes hard to distinguish where depression ends and her nightmares turn real as she and her newborn are haunted by a stalker unlike any other.”

Probably a demonic nanny/babysitter. I had one. She let me get away with murder.

NIGHT OF THE KILLER BEARS / April 18, 2023 (VOD)

“After not seeing each other for a long time, five teenage friends living in Bangkok go on a vacation together, staying at a quiet resort isolated from the city. Things take a dark turn when it’s revealed each of them have hidden secrets, and unbeknown to the group, there is someone observing them. When one of them ends up brutally murdered, paranoia and distrust surrounds the group, motivating each remaining member to accuse each other of being the murderer or considering the possibility that the real murderer is the unseen presence observing them, and that they all are in danger.”

Bears are the new sharks in horror movies recently, what with the moderate successes of Cocaine Bear (2023), Winnie-The-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023). But for really scare bears, that chemical pollution-mutated one in The Prophecy (1979) and the alien-mutated one in Annihilation (2018) are both pretty…grizzly.

LEGEND OF THE WHITE DRAGON / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Erik Reed, The White Dragon, has returned home to Virtuo City three years later after being defeated in a colossal battle against the ancient overlord, Ashtagor. The crystal he used to become the White Dragon was broken in two as a result of the epic battle, both pieces were subsequently lost. Being blamed for the destruction and collateral lives lost, his identity was outed after the battle thus making him a fugitive from the law. We now follow Erik on his journey as he teams up with treasure hunters from the past who help him reclaim his power as the White Dragon. Once reunited with his powers, he and his team are now ready to battle a new threat, Dragon Prime, who seeks revenge against the White Dragon and try and defeat Dragon Prime in order to get one step closer to clearing his name and being able to protect his family from an ancient evil that still lurks in the darkness — Ashtagor.”

A lot going on here. Then again, the trailer explodes with spaceships, punching violence, future bikinis, ancient overlords with dumb names, revenge glares and costumes that look more at home in a 1980s video game. So yeah, I’ll watch the movie.

DEADLAND / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A U.S. Border Patrol Agent tries to apprehend the ghost of his father, a grave decision that will haunt him forever.”

Related or not, ghost criminals are the worst because it’s near to impossible to keep ’em in jail, what with being able to walk through walls ’n stuff.

Escaping Clowns, Kung fu Sharks, Space Garbage

While there are some really awesome escape room adventures — Saw and Evil Dead being at the top of that list — Warner Bros.™, Discovery Global Themed Entertainment™ and Egan Escape Productions™ look to top themselves with Escape IT Chapter Two — a Pennywise the Dancing Clown themed escape room challenge. And no need to go to Derry to clown around— it’s opening in Las Vegas later in 2023, which I believe is this year.

From Egan Escape Productions™ press release: “This thrilling experience features scenes from the first film, with the players immediately thrown in to aid in the search for the missing children of Derry. There’s no turning back as guests put their skills and critical thinking to the test, navigating some of the films’ most iconic locations including the infamous Neibolt House, Quality Meats, the Three Doors room, the Clown Funeral Room and even the sewer tunnels below Derry, all while trying to escape the clutches of Pennywise the Dancing Clown.”

Escape IT Chapter One is already open for pant-filling thrills. But Chapter Two promises 30,000 square feet, 20 interactive room, state-of-the-art special FX, lighting, animatronics and live actors. There’s also carnival-styled midway games and a full-scale It themed retail store complete with photo ops and exclusive custom merchandise. I hope they’ll be selling red balloons — I just love those things. Get affordable tickets here.

While we change our vacation plans from Derry to Vegas, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be made better with red balloons… 

NINJA VS. SHARK / April 14, 2023 (Released in Japan only)

“The slaughtered corpses of villagers are found on the remote area beach in Okitsu village. Samejiro Mizuchi, the leader of the heresy group Koumashu, uses ninjutsu to force sharks to collect pearls from the villagers in order to gain the power of immortality. Frustrated by this situation, the village chief goes to see Kotaro Shiozaki, a bodyguard at a temple on the outskirts of the village, to ask for help. Kotaro accepts the job with a reward, but a female ninja named Kikuma appears in his path. Kotaro challenges Sameshirou to save the villagers, but what appears in front of him is a gigantic shark that doesn’t seem to be of this world.”

You can achieve immortality through pearls? Do you mix ‘em with a protein shake or just swallow ’em like marbles? Pearls don’t seem very chewable, but hey, if it’ll allow me to live forever so I can continue to pay taxes (which I just love to do) I’ll give it a shot.

MRS. DAVIS / April 20, 2023 (Peacock™)

“A nun who goes to battle against an all-powerful Artificial Intelligence known as Mrs. Davis is an exploration of faith vs. technology, an epic battle of biblical and binary proportions.”

A.I. or not, you do not wanna mess with nuns — they regularly hang out with God, and if you mess with the sistas, all holy hell will break loose.

SPACE WARS — QUEST FOR THE DEEPSTAR / April 21, 2023 (Theaters), May 2, 2023 (VOD)

“A father-daughter team of space scavengers must race against a band of evil mercenaries to reach the legendary treasures on board a lost mythical freighter.”

Pffft — space scavenger is just a fancy way of saying garbage collector.

BIRTH/REBIRTH / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“A morgue technician successfully reanimates the body of a little girl, but to keep her breathing, she will need to harvest biological materials from pregnant women. When the girl’s mother, a nurse, discovers her baby alive, they enter into a deal that forces them both down a dark path of no return.”

Harvesting “biological material” from pregnant women? I seriously don’t wanna know what that is — and this coming from a guy who eats freshness-expired tuna.

Frolicking Kaiju, Clay Sharks, Teenage Death Trap

Going back to the medieval days of 1997, there were three-minute campy film shorts under the title of Godzilla Island (250 in all), but you had to temporarily visit and/or live in Japan to see ’em. But wait — you can watch ’em on YouTube™ in the US for free right now. And yes, they’re subtitled. Whew — now I can understand the screaming of fleeing Japanese citizens in a language I’m somewhat familiar with.

Behold — the details: “Travel to Godzilla Island and enjoy the antics of your favorite kaiju such as Mothra, Rodan, Ghidorah, and of course, Godzilla in the 1997 short-form series. The year is 2097. Monsters live and frolic on Godzilla Island under the watchful eye of G Guard, a human peacekeeping force. But with a massive, belligerent UFO heading straight for the island, how long can that peace last? Episodes of Godzilla Island will be released every Tuesday and Thursday (click here).”

While we contemplate what a belligerent UFO is exactly, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be better suited in a three-minute format… 

THE RESURRECTION OF CHARLES MANSON / March 16, 2023 (VOD)

“A couple goes to the desert for a romantic weekend and shoots an audition for a role in an upcoming film. Their holiday quickly turns deadly as they are the target of a cult that carries on the evil beliefs and murderous practices of the Manson Family. This cult believes they can resurrect the ultimate object of their obsession — Charles Manson himself — through a shocking ritual of human sacrifice.”

All quality cults live in the desert. And the woods. And that scummy apartment building right next to mine.

JURASSIC SHARK 3: SEAVENGE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A reporter, cameraman, and some petty thieves are stranded in a boat out on the ocean. The only thing that stands between them and their lives is a 50-foot prehistoric megalodon shark. They must all pull together to survive.”

According to my investigative research (Wikipedia™), the estimated maximum length of a megalodon is 67 feet. This means this movie’s megalodon, at 50 feet long, is a bit on the short side. In other words, this shark is a…shrimp.

COCAINE SHARK / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A mafia drug lord has unleashed a new, highly addictive stimulant on the streets called HT25, derived from sharks held captive in a secret lab, and which causes monstrous side effects. After an explosion and leak at the lab, an army of mutated, bloodthirsty sharks and other creatures are set loose on the world as a small band of people try to stop the carnage.”

I watched the trailer — the mutated bloodthirsty sharks are made of clay. Highly addictive clay.

THE WRATH OF BECKY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Two years after she escaped a violent attack on her family, Becky attempts to rebuild her life in the care of an older woman — a kindred spirit named Elena. But when a group known as the ‘Noble Men’ break into their home, attack them, and take her beloved dog, Diego, Becky must return to her old ways to protect herself and her loved ones.”

Kinda like Home Alone (1990), but with more slaughtering.