Archive for Misc. Horror

Skeleton Sex

Posted in Ghosts, Science Fiction, Misc. Horror, Foreign Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 17, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Diagnosis: Death

Andre Chang, an Asian/New Zealander English teacher (!) developed cancer after a ghost got into his body. Across town, 18 year-old hottie Juliet Reed (who learned about sex from her Tickle Me Elmo™ doll) came down with cancer as well. Yep, a ghost.

Diagnosis: DeathBoth end up at a clinic to undergo treatment using experimental hallucinatory drugs. Sure, why not?. Once there, Andre and Juliet see visions of a Charlotte Reid, a feminist novel writer, drowning her 9-year-old son in the hospital’s community bathtub, and then hanging herself in her room. Harsh.

Diagnosis: Death

Turns out her surviving sister is the hospital’s head nurse, in charge of administering the fun drugs. She seems transfixed by Juliet’s hotness. Me, too. Blaming the vision on the drugs, Andre and Juliet form a friendly bond that leads to sex. (“You’re almost as good as Elmo,” smiles Juliet.)

Diagnosis: DeathBut the visions are becoming more clear, this time showing the suicide hanging in its entirety with no commercial interruptions. The extension cord, with which she hung herself, gives way and Charlotte lands face first on the legs of the very metal stepping stool used to facilitate her new necktie. Her heads slides down one of the chairs legs and… You get the idea. These horrific visions provide the clues needed to solve the TRUE mystery and to punish the real criminal.

Diagnosis: Death

Diagnosis: Death (2009) is played as a very dry comedy with some mystery and romance crap thrown in. Despite teacher/student/Elmo sex there is no nudity. Lots of swearing and funny one-liners, though. A doctor describes a rather large suppository as akin to being butt-probed by a pineapple. That’s humorous on several levels.

Diagnosis: Death

Almost forgot — you get to see two skeletons having sex. It’s not nearly as erotic as one might imagine. My diagnosis of this semi-funny watered-down “horror” film: Meh. 

Zombie Ghost Kids

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , on September 14, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Wicked Little Things

After her husband dies, a hot young mom, her equally attractive 16-year-old daughter and 9-year-old little sister pack up and head deep into the Pennsylvania mountains where they’ve inherited the family house. It’s more like a rat shack, though, with none of the amenities hot chicks need, like a slow-motion shower.

Wicked Little Things

The littlest sibling hears children’s voices in the dark woods surrounding their four-story Roach Motel™ and wanders off. She discovers a mine shaft opening. This was the site of a tragic tragedy 90 years earlier in which 15 kids died while working in the coal mines. These minors were miners. Heh.

Wicked Little Things

Those same kids, now ghosts, come back every night for redemption and food. Not necessarily in that order. They have black eyes, zombie faces, and carry axes and picks and shovels. And not one of them had a Nintendo DS™.

Wicked Little Things

A local crazy guy who lives in an equally lavish dump nearby, drains his own blood into jars and goes around painting doors to keep the zombie kid ghosts out. Meanwhile, the youngest daughter has befriended one of the ghosts and are now BGFF.

Wicked Little Things

The mom discovers old photo albums and newspaper clippings in the spider web-y basement and starts to piece together the disaster that happened all those happy years ago and finds out she’s a descendant. Another descendant: the arrogant land owner who’s getting ready to evict everyone so he can turn the mountain into a ski resort (ghosts get half-off ski lift tickets).

Wicked Little Things

The local crazy guy ties up one of his pigs outside the land owner’s house, and the zombie kids play whack-a-mole with it. Then they eat it as though it were wet beef jerky. No flinching on gore, violence or swear words. Rent a pig and watch Wicked Little Things (2006) — you’ll both walk away having learned a few life lessons.

Old Time-y Ghosts

Posted in Ghosts, Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , on September 2, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Ghosts of Edendale

Hollywood is the place to see movie stars without paying admission, so Kevin and Rachel pack up and move there from the East Coast. Kevin is an aspiring screenwriter and they can’t believe their luck when they find an affordable bungalow to rent within walking distance of movie stars taking out their garbage in their Chanel™ bathrobes.

The Ghosts of EdendaleAll their neighbors are in the “biz,” so it looks like K & R’s road is all but paved. Except for the ghosts and the possession by said ghosts and the dead kid with the rotting face in the closet. (I’m thinking he’s a ghost, too. That, or really needs to wash his pie-storage cheeks.)

The Ghosts of Edendale

Turns out their house is built on the lot that western cowboy mega-movie star Tom Mix owned and starred in nearly 340 movies about cattle rustlers. Tom himself shows up digitally to “act” in this one. Apparently his copyright ran out back in 1940.

The Ghosts of Edendale

The neighbors are all part of the Edendale ghost crowd and they don’t want Rachel there. Kevin can stay, though, probably because he ghosted a few gals back in his randy days. (Heh.) When the ghosts appear they ride ghost horses up and down the street. Let’s just hope those horse apples are also ghostly. 

The Ghosts of Edendale (2003) is low-budget, handmade, somewhat attention-holding. I think I just described my clothes.

Fear Sphere

Posted in Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 1, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Orb

One dozen teens in Hawaii go camping to smoke pot, drink booze and rub ankles. As can be expected, this group is fraught with teen dramas, which leads to some punching and swearing and the rubbing of said ankles. What they didn’t know, a small meteor was headed their way and about to land in their campsite. 

This space rock, which looks like a basketball-sized raspberry, splits open and blue orb floats out and attacks the socially-bankrupt kids. Once inside your body, the orb turns you into an ill-tempered teen, making you go all coconuts and attacking your fellow pot smokers. 

Biting into neck flesh (they’re neither vampire or zombie, and yet a bit of both), the possessed starts throwing nice Hawaiian punches, until the orb hops into another body for more of the same. Hard to tell who’s possessed and who isn’t. 

Meanwhile, the military, having experienced the orb years before, tracked it to the island and are forming a welcoming committee with guns. So until they get there, we get to watch teens screaming, cussing, fighting and ankle-rubbing, all done on a hand-held camera. (Not too hard to guess what the filmmaker got for Christmas.) 

The special effects in The Orb (2005) are the kind you’d see in a video game — from 1985. And only one girl puts ’em on the glass; Filmed in the dark, you couldn’t tell if she had nice orbs or not. 

All the filmmaker’s friends and family probably gets a free copy of this painfully lame movie. For everyone else, that’d be over-priced.

(Note to reader: Sorry — no other movie photos. Man, I looked everywhere. Then it made sense to me; the filmmakers were so embarrassed by this flick, the decided to digitally erase this craptacular piece of “art.”)

Cute Cyborgs, Christmas Carnage, Ghosts Aplenty

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 18, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday

Hard to believe it’s been 25 years/countless slaughtered teens ago that Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday (August 13, 1993) splattered across movies screens and into our hearts. And what a better way to commemorate that non-recognized postal holiday than with a documentary about it.

The Dark Heart of Jason Voorhees

From the press release: “The film will be giving viewers a never-before-seen in-depth look at the most infamous Jason film of all time. Through interviews and behind the scenes details, you will understand the unique landscape the series was in at the time, having just changed studios and already being on the road to the eventual Freddy vs Jason (August 13, 2003) film which wouldn’t see release for another 8 years. And you will see genre greats, both who were in the film and not, weigh in on Jason’s journey to hell.”

Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday

Sounds like a big bowl of warm ice cream for the eyes. No official word on when this thing is supposed to premier, but a fair guess would be soon-ish-esque. So while we wait for it like we have to go to the bathroom really bad, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your bladder splatter…

The Keeping Hours

THE KEEPING HOURS (available now)
“Mark, a successful attorney, returns to his old house after the tenants skipped out on rent. While there he experiences a supernatural event that forces him to reach out to his ex-wife. Ten years after their son’s death, a ghost will help reunite the estranged couple and deliver a message of life or death.”

Geez, they all but tell you who the ghost is. Why don’t the filmmakers just tell me what I’m getting for Christmas — and there better be twelve of ‘em, if you catch my drift.

Diane

DIANE (September 17, 2018)
“Steve’s lingering physical and emotional scars from the war in Afghanistan plunge him into a soulless routine. He continues his drab existence until the corpse of a beautiful singer, Diane, is dumped in his backyard, shaking him back to reality. Steve takes a photo of her before calling the police and soon he becomes obsessed with the dead woman’s image. Steve is scrutinized by the police, becoming the prime suspect hassled by Diane’s widower, and attacked by self-righteous neighbors. Before long, the malevolent ghost of Diane begins to work a dark spell that leads Steve to strange and startling revelations.”

Caught someone dumping an old couch in the alley behind my apartment. Better that than a corpse. But still, you can’t toss it in Elliott Bay? It’s deep enough to hold 10,000 old couches. (FYI: If you see one bobbing around with a KISS sticker on it, I may or may not know who it belongs to. Ahem.)

Mrs. ClausMRS. CLAUS (November 13, 2018)
“A group of college students attending a Christmas party at a sorority house that has a sinister past are stalked by a bloodthirsty killer disguised as Mrs. Claus.”

After living in Santa’s fat shadow for all these years, it’s nice to see Mrs. Claus finally get her day in the sun, even if it is an impostor posing as her.

Alita: Battle Angel

ALITA: BATTLE ANGEL (December 21, 2018)
“This is a science fiction movie about a robot called Alita. Set several centuries in the future, the abandoned Alita is found in the scrapyard of Iron City by Ido, a compassionate cyber-doctor who takes the unconscious cyborg Alita to his clinic. When Alita awakens, she has no memory of who she is, nor does she have any recognition of the world she finds herself in. As Alita learns to navigate her new life and the treacherous streets of Iron City, Ido tries to shield her from her mysterious past.”

The future is so advanced, now they have homeless robots. Looks like some things will never change.

Mother Nature Gone Wild

Posted in Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on August 15, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Nature's Grave

Nature’s Grave (aka, Long Weekend/2008) — an Aussie horror flick about Mother Nature teaching humans a hard lesson about peeing in the woods. It’s also is a remake, which came out in 1978. Didn’t see that one. I bet they had 1970s’ haircuts and hippie clothes in that one.

Long Weekend

Peter and Carla are a young married couple whose marital status is like a shipwreck — on the rocks. Heh. This is due to Carla having an affair, getting knocked up and having an abortion without first finding out IF the kid was actually that of Mr. One Night Stand. They argue, call each other names interjected with swear words, bicker constantly…sounds like normal married life to me.

Nature's Grave

Going camping for the weekend to see if they can save what’s left of their relationship, they head for the out-of-the-way (yeah, I could’ve said isolated, BUT CHOSE NOT TO) Moondah Beach on Australia’s North Coast, a pristine wooded and beach-y area, a perfect place to discard empty beer cans and cigarette butts. And pee.

Nature's Grave

They find a dead sea cow washed up on shore, a first clue things aren’t cool. Then snakes start getting panties in a twist. Then ants wanna build an ant farm on your face. Then Peter finds other campers’ bodies hanging from trees. Then the bugs start bugging them. Then there’s that ghostly black figure in the water, which I think is a metaphor, but is more likely Aqua Sasquatch.

Nature's Grave

Freaked out, Carla takes off in the joint custody Jeep™, leaving Peter to wake up the next day with the dead sea cow laying next to him. Yeesh — that’s the last time he’s gonna go on a Foster’s Lager™ bender. You’ve heard of coyote ugly? This is 112 times worse.Nature's Grave

Running like hell to get the hell out of there, Peter stumbles across his dead wife. OK, one problem solved. Trying to escape Nature’s wrath, though, for all the thoughtless crimes against leaves and various bushes, Peter is surrounded by super mad foliage. And still that dark figure lurks nearby, making him freak the double heck out.

Nature's GraveAll of the stuff leading up to the final moment is horror lite, but it’s the unforeseen gnarly death scene at the end that will catch you off guard enough to actually make startled sounds come out of your spit valve.

Frogs

And if you really want a cool “nature strikes back” film, hop on down to the video store and rent Frogs (1972).

Anorexic Superheroes, Hipster Sharks, Fatal Photography

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 13, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Flash

Been LOL-ing over the ongoing body shaming of The Flash. A leaked on set BTS photo showed actor Grant Gustin in his famous Flash costume that triggered countless dip-wads online calling him out for being too skinny. For a guy who has been known (in comics) to reach 13 trillion times the speed of light, it’s doubtful he could even run to catch a bus were it not for the Speed Force burning off all that accrued burger blubber. (Flash needs to consume 10,000 calories a day so he doesn’t go into a donut coma.)

The Flash

There was a time, though, when The Flash got really tubby. It was issue #115 (1960) when Gorilla Grodd shot Flash with a chub gun that made him absorb the air’s moisture, swelling up to 1,000 pounds. He looked like walking water balloon. A big water balloon.

So while you chew on that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV shows that may or may not give you the runs…

Frenzy

FRENZY (available now)
“A group of millennial friends run a popular travel vlog that helps fund their adventures. Paige, the leader of the group, recently brought her younger sister Lindsey into the fold. Lindsey and another group member strike up a romance, quickly becoming the most popular members to their followers. To help boost viewership the group decides to take an illegal snorkeling trip to a beautiful cove. But when their float plane crashes they find themselves fighting for their lives when they are attacked by a pack of great white sharks.”

Yet ANOTHER shark movie. Not surprised; movie sharks work cheap and put swim suits in seats. Even as cliched and watered down the plot is, it would be highly gratifying to see the sharks make seaweed droppings out of the millennials (the new stupid term for dumb college students).

The Purge

THE PURGE (September 4, 2018)
“Set in an altered America ruled by a totalitarian political party, the series follows several seemingly unrelated characters living in a small city. As the clock winds down, each character is forced to reckon with their past as they discover how far they will go to survive the night.”

Not seeing the point other than cashing in of making The Purge into a 10-episode TV series, especially after the sequels ran the one-note plot line into the ground: The Purge (2013), The Purge: Anarchy (2014), The Purge: Election Year (2016) and The First Purge (2018). The Purge, as you know, revolves around a 12-hour period that allows for penalty-free crime and killings to happen once a year. Isn’t that what happens in grocery stores practically every day?

Skeletons in the Closet

SKELETONS IN THE CLOSET (2018)
Skeletons in the Closet is a late-night, horror anthology television series featuring The Widow and her dead husband, Charlie. Each episode finds them providing hilarious commentary on a variety of B-movie horror films — some of which are terrifying. Their number one fan, a precocious 11-year-old named Jamie, never misses an episode. With her parents out for the evening, Jamie sits down in front of the tube to devour the delectable terror, but her favorite Friday night freak show is constantly interrupted by her annoying new babysitter, Tina. If they can survive each other, they may be able to survive the night!”

Um, where’s the threat that has the babysitter and the kid having to “survive the night”? Maybe someone goes postal when the TV runs out of juice.

Deadly Still

DEADLY STILL (2018)
“A handful of teenagers have no idea what dark secrets are tied to the mysterious camera they stumble upon in a cabin in the woods, but it doesn’t take long for them to discover that those who have their picture taken meet a gruesome end.”

Wow — this sounds EXACTLY like the plot of Polaroid (2017): “High school loner Bird Fitcher has no idea what dark secrets are tied to the Polaroid™ vintage camera she stumbles upon, but it doesn’t take long to discover that those who have their picture taken meet a tragic end.”

How embarrassing that must be for all involved.