Archive for KISS

Bigfoot’s Big Butte

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 15, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sasquatch Mountain

In Sasquatch Mountain (aka, Devil On The Mountain/2006) — his third role in a Sasquatch flick — the legendary Lance Henriksen is the go-to guy for movies about Bigfoot. They should just start calling him “Hairy and the Henriksen.” (OK, now THAT was pretty darn clever.) Lance, though, is way more cooler as a hardened mountain man than I would’ve been. Hard to sell yourself as a believable outdoorsman while wearing a KISS T-shirt that smells like Bounce™.

Sasquatch Mountain

A gang of bank robbers steal money from Lance’s small town bank and kill a cop in the process. Making a frantic getaway, they’re involved in a car crash with a supermodel with a low top who was making her getaway from a lousy marriage. The criminals take the supermodel hostage and head for the hills. Guess who lives there — Lance…and Sasquatch.

Sasquatch Mountain

The mythical (ahem) beast is the reason Lance’s wife was killed 12 years earlier. No one believed him, so he kinda became that guy who “saw a UFO” type dude. While the criminals run through the woods, so doth Sasquatch, snapping in half the good guys because hey, Sas can’t differentiate between those that point guns at him and those that flee.

Sasquatch Mountain

The cops follow and it turns into a stand-off until Sasquatch balances the scales of justice. Now the criminals and the cops have to work together to escape Sasquatch’s fuzzy wrath. Lots of character development with colorful dialogue. But it’s Lance who outshines them all. (He even calls one of the criminals “Pumpkinhead,” a tongue-in-cheek reference to his other mythical beast movie.)

Sasquatch Mountain

Sasquatch, though, is overly hairy and looks like a heavy metal King Kong, but not as tall. He has a great howl, that will make your butt hairs stand on end — your REAR end.

Sasquatch Mountain

Craig Wasson, who plays the lead criminal, hasn’t changed his hair since Nightmare on Elm Street III: Dream Warriors(1987) And that was 20 years ago. Then again, I haven’t changed my hair since birth. Sasquatch Mountain has its flaws (unlikely cop and criminal behavior patterns/situations), but hey, what Sasquatch movie doesn’t? Until I star in one, anyway.

Evil Meets Rock, Military Mistakes, Stealing From The Dead

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 13, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Kiss Army Darkness

The rock band KISS meets Ash from the Evil Dead in a new graphic comic books series, in KISS/Army of Darkness. Talk about a match-up of pay-per-view worthiness. Here’s from the press release…

KISS is on top of the world and rocking faces until the night disciples of The Destroyer show up and the band disappears. With the tour canceled, a young Ash misses one of the most important events of his life that will change his destiny. Now the Chosen One has to get back on the right path and join the KISS ARMY OF DARKNESS. The raging guitar chords and pyrotechnic spectacle of the KISS stage shows could have come straight from the pages of the Necronomicon, and this epic battle between The Demon and Deadites will appeal to the hellions in all of us!”

Kiss Army Darkness

They had me at rocking faces. The press release further tells us the series is being written by Chad Bowers and Chris Sims, with Ruairi Coleman providing the illustration. At this time I’d like to order 100 copies of the first issue when it comes out in February of 2018. And would it kill KISS to autograph every single one of them, personally made out to ME?

Until KISS finds a box of laundry markers, here are a few just release/upcoming and possibly graphic horror/sci-fi movies to help me/you/us while away the days…

The Doll

THE DOLL (available now)
“When Chris and Andy order a model from an escort service, they find that something is unnaturally wrong with Natasha, something deadly wrong.”

The girlfriend-for-rent is played by Valeria Lukyanova, that real life chick who, with the help of chestral implants and contact lenses, looks like a human Barbie doll. She appears to be in mint condition. But once she’s been taken out of the box, the collector’s value drops by half.

The Rizen

THE RIZEN (JANUARY 2, 2018/VOD)
“The year is 1955. NATO and the Allied Forces have been conducting secret, occult experiments in a bid to win the Arms Race. They have finally succeeded, but what they have unleashed could tear our world apart. Now one woman must lead the only other two survivors past faceless horrors that threaten to kill or capture them at every turn. They are the only ones left who can fight to close a door that should never have been opened.”

Army experiments or paranormal zombies? Probably both, since the military has been known to dabble in Ouija boards and Magic 8-balls, which is what we used to win the war. Those things are badass.

The New Mutants

THE NEW MUTANTS (April 13, 2018)
“Five young mutants, just discovering their abilities while held in a secret facility against their will, fight to escape their past sins and save themselves.”

Is it me, or is everyone getting tired of X-Men type movies? Or maybe I’m just jealous that everybody’s a mutant except me. Probably both.

The Bone Box

THE BONE BOX (2018)
“Depressed and reeling from the recent death of his wife, Tom has built up quite a gambling debt. He goes to stay with his wealthy Aunt Florence in hopes that she will write him into her will. When a nasty creditor makes it clear that Tom is out of time, he devises a plan with Elodie, the undertaker’s daughter, to rob the graves of the rich townspeople buried in the cemetery across the road. After plundering the graves, Tom begins hearing and seeing strange things that seem to coincide with the deaths of the people he robbed. Even more disconcerting, he appears to be the only one sensing the occurrences. One question lingers: Is Tom’s conscience playing a trick on him — or is he really being haunted by those he stole from?”

Yeesh — you DO NOT want to steal from the dead. They can see what you do in the bathroom and then tell the other dead people. You DO NOT want the deceased laughing at you. First, it doesn’t sound like LOL-ing, but more of a “I’ll Kill Yoooouuu” freaky shriek. This is why comedians don’t let dead people into their shows.

Hellish Rock Stars, Gun Ghosts, Sequel Sharks

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 24, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Guitar Teacher From Hell

Clicked across this one while surfing for YET ANOTHER  black t-shirt to buy. Guitarist Acey Slade has created his own comic book series, Guitar Teacher From Hell ($4.99 for the printed comic/$1.99 for a digital download, which can be exchanged for money by clicking HERE). It’s so cool, I have to have it because I don’t know why.

From the press release: “Learning to play guitar is tough for everyone, but for 15-year-old Cory Conners it’s going to be Hell. Follow the torment as Cory learns how to play through legendary rock star guests hosted by Acey Slade who has teamed up with independent cartoonist Steven Reardon Jr. to create Guitar Teacher From Hell, a comic book series that plays on Faustian mythology portrayed in a dark comedy fantasy about the obsession young people have towards learning how to play the guitar.”

Acey Slade

Should probably get this now as I’ve been playing guitar for a number of years, though my neighbors think I only know how to play Iron Maiden, KISS and Black Sabbath. (Not all their songs, just one from each.)

Acey’s resume is a chart-topper: “Slade’s resume includes Rock & Roll Hall of Fame-inducted Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. In addition he has worked  with Misfits, Murderdolls and Dope. As a writer and producer, he has worked along side Earl Cohen (Lady Gaga/Jessica Simpson), Tom Camuso (Lenny Kravitz/DJ Logic/Ect). A New York-based musician with homes in Los Angeles and Taipei, Acey Slade has also been DJing and producing rock, hard rock, punk and pop for bands around the globe. He has engaged audiences with guitar clinics worldwide trekking from Moscow to Dallas. Other associated acts include: Trashlight Vision, Billy Liar, Amen, Rachel Lorin and Vampire Love Dolls.”

AND he has tattoos. I do, too, but mine come off in the shower. While I learn how to keep that from happening, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not permanently imprint themselves on your mind…

Blood Harvest

BLOOD HARVEST (November 21, 2017)
“A rural village is terrorized by an evil force that drains the blood from its victims. A discredited police detective, who believes the killings are the work of vampires, must team up with his former partner to uncover the truth.”

Vampires or discount doctors. Either or, the plot seems stock and played. What if the vampires were doctors? I would love to call my health insurance and go, “Yeah, I need to schedule a DAYTIME appointment with Dr. Vampire…” In addition to questionable medial practices/advice, it’d be cool if he/she could sell t-shirts in the waiting room with the kicker line: “Lose Blood Now — Ask Me How.”

Dawning of the Dead

DAWNING OF THE DEAD (December 5, 2017/VOD)
“While a virus that causes the dead to reanimate brings the world to its knees, the scientist responsible entrusts his cataclysmic findings to Katya Nevin, a troubled ex-war correspondent turned anchor-woman at W.W News. While she and the rest of her crew witness the collapse of society via video feeds from around the globe, a deadly special agent climbs the building floor by floor, his only goal to ensure her silence. Armed only with information and an indomitable will to live, Katya must overcome her crippling anxiety and learn to lead in order to make it out of the studio and into a terrifying new world where only the dead survive.”

There isn’t one thing original about this movie, which has been my major point of contention with the unending regurgitation of zombie movies. Wanna do something cool with zombies for a change? Start with set-in-Africa The Dead (2010) and/or South Korea’s Train To Busan (2016) and we’ll discuss.

Winchester: The House That Ghosts Built

WINCHESTER: THE HOUSE THAT GHOSTS BUILT (February 2, 2018)
“Inspired by true events. On an isolated stretch of land 50 miles outside of San Francisco sits the most haunted house in the world. Built by Sarah Winchester, heiress to the Winchester fortune, it is a house that knows no end. Constructed in an incessant twenty-four hour a day, seven day a week mania for decades, it stands seven stories tall and contains hundreds of rooms. To the outsider it looks like a monstrous monument to a disturbed woman’s madness. But Sarah is not building for herself, for her niece or for the brilliant Dr. Eric Price whom she has summoned to the house. She is building a prison, an asylum for hundreds of vengeful ghosts, and the most terrifying among them have a score to settle with the Winchesters.”

Great kicker line: “Terror is Building.” This house and its history actually exists. I wrote about it exactly one year to the day. Didn’t plan it that way, but I should be somehow rewarded, either with bit coins and/or candy. Can’t wait for this movie, even though its been done — poorly — a while back (i.e., Haunting of Winchester House/2009). Let’s hope they don’t suck the life out of this  ghost story. (Okay, that was funny.)

Deep Blue Sea 2

DEEP BLUE SEA 2 (2017/2018)
Dr. Klaus Van Etten experiments on bull sharks, much to the chagrin of Misty and her team of marine experts. The sharks get out and all hell breaks loose.”

That’s pretty much the same plot as Deep Blue Sea (1999), except Dr. Susan McAlester experimented on great white sharks that became mega aggressive/hungry and ate humans like they were peanut butter and jellyfish sandwiches.

Religious Fireballs

Posted in Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 13, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Believers

In Believers (2007), YET ANOTHER cult wants to save your soul and take you to the other side of the galaxy where your unconditional faith will be rewarded with immortality. And to purify your soul, you must first enter the Gas Chamber of Salvation and divest yourself of all your earthly belongings: your KISS™ t-shirt and your life (which for SOME of us is the same thing).

Believers

The cult, lead by an older scientist-y looking fart, has convinced two dozen people he cracked the code, the one that proves God’s existence. (And here all this time we were worshiping the Bible instead of a math book. I am SO going to Hell.) It is further explained that everyone left behind will suffer total destruction via fire from the sky. (Whoever is planning on lighting candles and tossing ’em off your roof — not funny.)

Believers

Two paramedics are taken hostage by cult members. Locked in the Reflection Room (dirty bathroom stall with no toilet paper), their choices are to become one of the Believers and be saved from the fireballs, or be forced to take a death pill that also doubles as a breath mint.

Believers

One chooses poison, probably because it tastes better than gas chamber vapors. Everyone is locked into a room and the gas turned on. The medic pulls himself free from his cult handcuffs and force vomits the pill. Whew! Too late to rescue his buddy, though.

Believers

Jump ahead a month and the little girl lives with him and his wife in their sunny home and… Hmmm, the sky seems extra brighter today. Must be all those fireballs.

Permanently Haunted House, Killer Clowns, Virgin Sacrifice

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 30, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Channel Zero: No-End House

If you were a loose bladdered fan of SyFy’s Channel Zero: Candle Cove (October 2016), be prepared to change your soiled britches once again as the next season, Channel Zero: No-End House is headed your way this October of 2017.

First, the premise: “A young woman named Margot Sleator visits the No-End House, a bizarre house of horrors that consists of a series of increasingly disturbing rooms. When she returns home, Margot realizes that everything has changed.”

Already feeling the urge to do a load. But the news of a follow-up season to the addictively creepy potboiler, Channel Zero: Candle Cove was goon-you-out ominous and had a tooth monster. (Wonder what kind of toothpaste it used? Those were some magnificent molars.)

Here’s what went down in the first one: “Children’s TV is usually wholesome entertainment that can be enjoyed by the whole family, but child psychologist Mike Painter thinks there’s one show in particular — Candle Cove — that might not have been so innocent. No one seems to remember the 1980s show except for Mike, and he has ever-growing suspicions that it might have played a role in a series of nightmarish events from his childhood, including the disappearance of his twin brother in the summer of 1988. When he returns home to investigate what happened all those years ago, Mike finds out that it — whatever it was — may be happening again.”

Watch it again, and while you’re rinsing out your delicates afterward, here are a few upcoming horror movies that’ll likely have you re-filling the washing machine…

The Domicile

THE DOMICILE (August, 2017/VOD)
Russel Brody, a one-time successful playwright, works diligently on a follow-up play that could land him back in the spotlight he so craves. With a baby on the way, however, and a strained marriage, stress and frustration take center stage. When his wife accidentally stumbles down the stairs and dies from her injuries, Brody’s mental state goes from bad to one of utter despair. In a bid to help his friend regain his sanity, Brody’s co-writer David Stanley suggests he revisits Lucy, his former mistress. The ghost of Brody’s dead wife awakens to the sordid details of his unfaithfulness, enraging her supernatural spirit to haunt him in every horrifying way imaginable.”

Geez, being nagged from the dead. This guy can’t catch a break — unless it was the break in the spine of the wife he pushed down the stairs. Accident, my b*tt.

Union Furnace

UNION FURNACE (August 15, 2017)
“Small-town crook Cody was at the end of his rope when a mysterious stranger offered him the chance of his life. There was just one catch — in this game, he would have to wager everything, including his life. Cody finds himself trapped amongst a band of outsiders and misfits — all fighting for their lives and a slice of the American dream. Fueled by a horde of masked sadists, Cody, and the others will win a fortune or die a brutal death.”

Kinda sounds like a discount version of Vegas. This one was released a year ago, but everybody blinked at the exact same time (what are the odds?) and missed it. Here’s your chance to unblink and take a look at this horror oddity.

Circus Kane

CIRCUS KANE (September 8, 2017)
“The notorious and disgraced circus master, Balthazar Kane, invites an unsuspecting group of social media stars to the revival of his Circus Kane by promising $250,000 to any of them who can make it through the night. Kane’s true plan quickly proves to be far more sinister as the contestants realize more than money is on the line. The group must fight for their lives to escape Kane’s demented house of horrors.”

Exact same premise — minus the KISS makeup, as The House on Haunted Hill (1959/1999). In 1959, the cash offered was $10,000. In 1999 it was $1,000,000. So for some clown to offer a measly $250,000 in 2017 is an insult to my wallet. I shall return the favor and not rent this plagiaristic — and low ball offer — horror movie. P.S. $10,000 in 1959 folding pocket change would havethe equivalent of  $83,540.48 in today’s spending bling.

Double Date

DOUBLE DATE (2017/2018)
“Jim, aided by his obnoxious but charming best friend Alex, on his quest to lose his virginity before he turns 30. The night before the big day they meet Kitty and Lulu, two beautiful sisters who seem determined to seduce them, but who secretly have another darker agenda for Jim’s birthday — virgin sacrifice.”

What a way to come and go. Heh.

Evil Revenge, Basement Rats, Olympic-Grade Sharks

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 5, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Inside

July 23, 2017 marks the beginning of Discovery™ channel’s mecha-popular Shark Week, with probably one of the worst promotional ideas since Sharknado (2013). On Sunday, July 23, 2017 they’re having Olympic gold medalist swimmer Michael Phelps (the most decorated Olympian of all time, with a total of 28 medals) racing a great white shark, the kicker line being “the battle for ocean supremacy.” And you thought the bottom of the sea was low.

This concept of matching up sharks with celebrities was first tried on the waning sitcom Happy Days back in September of 1977, during which The Fonz — wearing a bathing suit and leather jacket, ski jumped over a shark in a pen just mere biting distance from those delicious skis with human filling.

While we wait for that over-hyped moment, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that’ll sink or swim…

INSIDE (2017)
“Alone and carrying her baby, Sarah faces a calculating, cold-hearted and predatory woman — an adversary who will stop at nothing to snatch her unborn child. Trapped and disorientated, barely able to hear the evil that stalks her, Sarah must unleash all her reserves of strength to protect her baby and survive the night. Never underestimate a mother’s protective fury.”

Can you say The Hand That Rocks The Cradle (1992)? Can you say Rosemary’s Baby (1968)? Can you say, “Been there, done that?”

Exhume

EXHUME (2017/2018)
“Over 50 unmarked graves were discovered at an institution dedicated to the rehabilitation of troubled boys. Patrick Connor and his wife Karen were the archaeologists that uncovered the evil buried under the earth so many years ago.”

Unmarked graves are a problem. What if you showed up to pee on your enemy’s grave and your vengeful bladder defiled the final resting place of some nice old lady who made cookies for Third World countries? And you wonder why the dead hate us so much.

The Terror of Hallows Eve

THE TERROR OF HALLOW’S EVE ( 2017/2018)
After a fifteen-year-old is brutally beaten up by high school bullies, his wish for revenge unknowingly unleashes the terror of Halloween.

Um, this one’s been done already. It was called Trick or Treat, released in 1986 and typecast Ozzy Osbourne as a preacher and KISS’ Gene Simmons as a radio deejay, presumably to hear himself talk all the time. But hey, without revenge, horror movies might start looking like all the same thing. Ahem.

Devil's Gate

DEVIL’S GATE (2017/2018/VOD/Limited)
“Struggling to overcome a recent professional tragedy, a tough-as-nails FBI agent relocates to a small North Dakota town to investigate the disappearance of a local woman and her young son. The search leads to the missing woman’s husband’s secluded farm, on which answers, new mysteries, and God-fearing terrors await…not to mention something locked and caged down in the basement.”

God-fearing terrors and something locked and caged in the basement. Probably a rat. Or spoiled jam preserves, that when consumed, turn you into a rat. Or… never mind.

Space Clowns, Werewolves, Giant Ants

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 2, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Killjoy's Psycho Circus

Too bad I can’t make photocopies of myself so I can watch all these new horror movies at the same time. I looked at some of those fancy pants 3D printers on eBay™, but I’m better off developing a split personality than shelling out mega fun coupons for those cool but financially out of reach machines.

KILLYJOY’S PSYCHO CIRCUS (out now)
Killjoy, the demon clown and his gruesome crew — Batty Boop, Punchy and Freakshow — have finally made it to Earth. Killjoy has settled in and is starring in his own web series called Psycho Circus. But two years down the road, Killjoy discovers that life here on Earth is a drag, filled with inconveniences such as eating, breathing, taxes, immigration and mortal sex.”

Psycho Circus

The pop rock ensemble KISS released an album called Psycho Circus back in 1998. Killyjoy (also wearing clown makeup) felt it was okay to steal the name for his movie. It is not. Nevertheless, this is the fourth sequel in a budget-restrained franchise, which began with Killjoy (2000), Killjoy 2: Deliverance from Evil (2002), Killjoy 3 (2010) and Killjoy Goes To Hell (2012). P.S. Killjoy is guilty of more intellectual property theft: the movie rips off its name from Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday (1993). Also, they took their kicker line from the 1974 Emerson, Lake & Palmer album. I should be a lawyer.

Don't F#ck In The Woods

DON’T F#CK IN THE WOODS (out now)
“A group of friends are going on a camping trip to celebrate graduating college. But once they enter the woods, the proverbial sh*t hits the fan!”

Of all the things you shouldn’t do in the woods, sex isn’t one of ‘em. Unless you don’t want deer ticks crawling up your outgoing mail chute. While DFITW is currently available for your voyeuristic viewing pleasure, it also comes in an “extremely limited” big box VHS format (for $40). That’s pretty dang cool. Just don’t watch it in the woods while you’re having sex. Keep your eyes on the prize.

American Beast

AMERICAN BEAST (aka, Solitude, Beast of Prey / January 3, 2017)
“After his mother’s death, James Erikson discovers her old storage locker filled with journals and newspapers of his family’s history. As he researches it, he finds out about the evil that his family has tried to contain for several generations, beginning in 1939 on a mysterious piece of property in a small town called Solitude.”

Um, Superman might have issues with you calling your town Solitude when he’s been wiping “S” in the Fortress of Solitude since moving out of his step-parents’ house. Looks like someone’s a werewolf in American Beast, if you’re judging this movie by its cover. Too bad they went with the claw — it’s been used before. Several times in fact…

Outcast / Claws

It Came From The Desert

IT CAME FROM THE DESERT (2017)
It Came From The Desert is and independent sequel to legendary video game by Cinemaware™. The film is set to modern time, 60 years after the original game’s happenings.”

Giant ants in the desert. I liked it better when it was called Them! (1954)