3D Water Man, Gore Galore, Basement Aliens

Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom arrives on the big screen (theaters) and bigger screens (Imax™) on December 22, 2023. That’s exactly five years and one day after Aquaman came out in 2018. It made $1.152 billion at the global box office. That’s a lot of clams. This time around, they’re releasing in a 3D version. Not sure how this is gonna look as starfish are pretty much flat.

Anyway, here are the latest movie ad-sheets for the movie. There were 22 designed for Aquaman, and so far there are 11 for Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom with more, I’m sure, to follow. From one of the posters we can see there are more sharks and domesticated seahorses to entice us out of our sand dollars. Sharks are pretty much a go-to, but I was hoping to see more of those super icky amphibious Trench monsters. Maybe they’ll do a swim-by.

Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom goes like this: “Several years after the events of the first film, Arthur Curry/Aquaman is forced to protect Atlantis and his loved ones from devastation after an ancient power is unleashed by David Kane/Black Manta obtaining the cursed Black Trident. In order to achieve this, he will have to seek help from an unlikely ally: his brother Orm.” In case you didn’t see/care about Aquaman, Orm got his butt gills paddled hard by Arthur Man.

So while we all shoot sea bubble excitement out our blowholes for Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not seem a little…fishy…

VISITORS (THE COMPLETE EDITION) / Out now (Screambox™/ Release pending Midnight Pulp™, VOD)

“A rock ‘n’ roll band drop in unannounced on a friend and find themselves plummeting into a wackadoo reverie of monsters and mayhem.”

This Japanese horror anthology opens with one of the most Evil Dead-esque gory pandemonium scenes you’ve ever seen. You’ll need to take your eyeballs out and wash ’em after viewing.

DARK PARASITE / Out now (VOD)

“Dark Parasite is a 2023 Italian sci-fi horror film about a group of jewelery store thieves who take refuge in a shabby apartment building in the suburbs. However, they don’t know that an alien creature with telepathic powers is hiding in the basement.”

Where else would you put an alien with telepathic powers? The attic just won’t do as that’s where all the Christmas decorations from years gone by are stored.

NIGHT OF THE KILLER BEARS / Out now (VOD)

“After not seeing each other for a long time, five friends living in Bangkok go on a vacation together, staying at a quiet resort isolated from the city. Things take a dark turn when it’s revealed each of them has hidden secrets. When one of them ends up brutally murdered, paranoia and distrust surround the group, motivating each remaining member to accuse each other of being the murderer or consider the possibility that the real murderer is the unseen presence observing them, and that they all are in deadly danger.”

Who doesn’t have hidden secrets? Heck, I have about 30 of ’em — and those are just the ones I can remember from last week. Guess I better stay out of Bangkok.

PEACOCK / December 8, 2023 (VOD)

“After violating the strict moral standards of The Foundation, the puritanical institution for young women in which she was raised, Anna Pohl is sent to care for one of its founding members. An Apartheid-era theologian living out his days in paranoia on his isolated farm, Sarel Cilliers suffers from frightening visions and demonic hallucinations. Haunted by her own feelings of guilt, Anna slowly gets pulled into Sarel’s terrifying world as she tries to unravel the mysteries behind this sinister place and its connection to the devastating secrets being hidden by The Foundation. ”

This one’s being described as “evocative and erotic.” I only know one of those words. P.S. It’s also being referred to as South African Gothic horror. That would’ve made a better title.

Gas Station Horror, Amoral Aliens, Slasher Sex

The problem is you’ve watched all the new horror movie crap and are left holding the colostomy bag. But what if you could access horror’s dark underbelly? Specifically, obscure horror titles released on VHS (super-sized cassettes) that you’d only find on off-brand gas station video shelves? The Terror Vision Video Club is now here to complete you with deliciously lurid Z-grade horror that were once thought lost to the sands of time/discount bins.

A subscription model, TTVVC is brightening our TV screens with such bottom of the bowl jewels as WNUF Halloween Special, Norway, Killing Spree, Love & Saucers, Video Violence 1 & 2, and Blood, Guts, Sunshine and Santa Claws. But such treasures don’t come cheap. You’ll have to cough up $225 though, to be granted keys to the kingdom. And heck, you can join at any time (click here) and receive the next 10 Terror Vision home video titles as they are released.

But wait, there’s more: You’ll pay a discounted amount instead of the regular retail price for the Blu-rays/UHDs. You’ll be guaranteed a slipcover of each release. You’ll receive a Terror Vision Video Club t-shirt. You will get a login to the Terror Vision Club wholesale page where you can buy other TV products for cheap, such as merch, cassettes, vinyl records, and other goodies. And with the wholesale page login perk, you will NOT pay for shipping domestically. It doesn’t get sweeter than this.

So while we’re waiting for TTVVC to anoint our unworthy eyeballs with Attack of the Killer Refrigerator and Happy Hell Night, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worthy of a gas station discount bin…

FLAMING EARS / November 18, 2022 (Theaters/VOD)

Flaming Ears is a pop sci-fi lesbian extravaganza set in the year 2700 in the fictional burned-out city of Asche that follows the tangled lives of three women. Spy is a comic book artist whose printing presses are burned down by Volley, a sexed-up pyromaniac. Seeking revenge, Spy goes to the lesbian club where Volley performs every night. Before she can enter, Spy gets into a fight and is left wounded in the streets. She is found by Nun, an amoral alien in a red plastic suit with a predilection for reptiles, who also happens to be Volley’s lover.” 

Almost sounds like a set up for an epic joke: “A comic book artist, a sexed-up pyromaniac and an amoral alien walk into a lesbian club…” You can take it from here. (Keep it nice.)

CANDY LAND / January 6, 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“A naive and devout young woman finds herself cast from a religious cult. With no place to turn, she immerses herself in the underground world of truck stop sex workers, aka, “lot lizards.”

Despite the unashamed baring of boobies, this one is described as being more of a traditional horror slasher movie than something you’d pay hard-earned quarters to watch on coin-operated viewing machines in pornography establishments.

THE MEG 2: THE TRENCH Ot now (Theaters/VOD)

No official plot yet, but here’s a swing at it: A Megalodon (xxxxlg shark), ascending from the sewer depths of the Mariana Trench, goes topside and makes Happy Meals™ out of human floaties. That sounds about right. 

AQUAMAN AND THE LOST KINGDOM / December 25, 2023 (Theaters)

“Aquaman forges an uneasy alliance with an unlikely ally to save Atlantis and the rest of the planet.”

A teaser plot, though it’s possible there’s more to it than just saving Atlantis (who cares?) and the rest of the planet (no one cares). Suffice to say, after Aquaman (2018), there’s likely to be even more tuna, more Free Willys and (wait for it)…more murder clams! If that’s the case, I hereby pledge all my sand dollars to see it. 

Aqua Army, Vampire Prisoners, The Listening Dead

Finally getting the first of what will likely be a million different key art posters for the upcoming Aquaman movie (December 21, 2018). They’re off to a good start — tons of sharks, whales and other toothy sea creatures that make up Aquaman’s liquidized soldiers of fortune.

I probably already posted this, but here is the plot again in case you need it to round out your bucket list: “Arthur Curry (Aquaman), the heir to the underwater kingdom of Atlantis, must step forward to lead his people and to be a hero to the world, just as his brother Orm seeks to unite the seven kingdoms against the surface world.”

Count me in as an aqua-ally. In fact, I’m already wearing my moisture-proof swim suit as we speak and am ready to kick some clam.

Here’s a crazy thought, however — where did Aquaman get his tattoos? It’s not like there are underwater tattoo shops within swimming distance. And with him being in the water all the time, wouldn’t the tattoos wash off every high tide? Mine come off every time I take a shower. (That’s the last time I spend all my hard-earned cash on rub-on tattoos. Apparently, quality stands for nothing these days.)

While I finish up my new Superman “S” emblem logo on my chest with a felt pen (let’s see Dove Men’s Body Wash™ make a dent in that), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not pollute one or more of the underwater seven kingdoms… 

FANGED UP (July 30, 2018/UK/DVD)
When self-styled absolute lad Jimmy Ragsdale makes a pass at his boss’ wife, the ensuing brawl seals the deal on a night he’ll never forget — locked in the halls of a hellish prison! Jimmy will have more on his plate than just tough Russian cell mate Victor, however. When the wardens unleash their true vampiric colors, the inmates find themselves caught in a bloody battle that is sure to prove just how ‘hard’ Jimmy really is.”

Absolute Lad. Sounds like a wanna be superhero sidekick with a corduroy cape. The boss’ wide must’ve been some looker in order to risk being locked up with a bunch of vampires. Then again, if you don’t buy a ticket, you can’t win he Lottery.

GOOSEBUMPS 2: HAUNTED HALLOWEEN (October 12, 2018)
“Halloween comes to life in a brand-new comedy adventure based on R.L. Stine’s 400 million-selling series of books.”

Watched the trailer — looks like they’re bringing back a lot of the “monsters” from the first film (Goosebumps/2015). I liked the Yeti, but the werewolf was/is my favorite. He/she/it seems just so darn fun. I bet he’d play fetch with you if you threw him a bone — with a human still attached to it.

JUST A BREATH AWAY (aka, DANS LA BRUME/2018)
“A man and wife are desperately trying to save their daughter from a deadly toxic mist that has engulfed Paris after an earthquake. Only those lucky enough to escape to the rooftops of the city were able to survive; their daughter, who suffers from a genetic condition requiring her to live in a hermetic box that filters the air, is trapped below.”

The deadly toxic mist in Paris? This is what happens when everybody finally eats bowel-cleansing leafy greens instead of butter-fortified croissants for once in their unhealthy lives. Still, better than being stuck in a hermetic box with no access to butter-fortified croissants.

THE NIGHTSHIFTER (2018)
“Stênio works the night shift at a morgue in a very large, very violent city. On the job, he sees cadavers in every conceivable state, often the victims of horrific gang warfare. While most would be rather unsettled by it all, Stênio is not. For the dead speak to him. Not in any metaphorical sense but in a very literal way. Stênio was born with an occult gift and while not everyone would be at ease conversing with mutilated cadavers on slabs, he has learned that there are endless secrets that can be gleaned this way. Related to crime. To prosperity. One day he learns a terrible secret about people in his own life. He commits the sin of acting on knowledge obtained from the dead, cursing himself and those dearest to him in the process.”

A mixed bag hanging out with cadavers. On one hand, they’re really good listeners. But the downside is they all smell like urinal cakes. 

Catching Salmonella From Fishmen

Island of the Fishmen (1979/Italy – 1981/U.S.), a schlocky Italian creature feature – finally and conclusively solves one of mankind’s greatest mysteries – where the flippin’ flap is the lost city of Atlantis. I don’t have the exact coordinates, but it’s in the middle of the ocean, or rather, under the middle of the ocean, where a volcano made it sink. And it’s inhabited – by fish people.

A bio-scientist, doing his best Dr. Moreau impression, made the fish people. The ego-mad Republican who runs the island (complete with fully functioning live volcano) uses the aquatic acolytes to retrieve Atlantis’ submerged gold and ornate bookends.

The scientist wanted to change everyone into fish to solve the world’s food problem. Ironically, if the ocean was loaded with fish people, we land walkers would never run out of food. Then all we’d need is bait shops and tartar sauce factories.

While this is going on, shipwrecked Lieutenant Claude de Ross washes up on the island and, after checking out the captive “too sexy for civilization” Amanda Marvin (who holds sway over the fish dudes), wants to snorkel in her sea grotto. (Yeah, I used that line before. So what?) But Edmond Rackham, the self-proclaimed ruler of said doomed island, wants to kill everybody and make off with the Atlantean gold while wearing a suit and riding around on a horse in humid tropical temps.

Fed up with this nonsense, the volcano gets its pyroclastic flow in a knot and is about to recreate history. With no more potion to control the fish people and the island about to blow, this thing turns into a last call party.

The fishmen, with claws that look EXACTLY like those sported by the Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954), finally get the upper fin and dish out some sweet revenge. They also do something unexpected as the island is lava lamping. What some fishmen won’t do for a pretty land face.

Of note: for the U.S. release, some American dumbass wanted to retitle the movie and named it Island of Mutations, then Island of Mutations, before settling on Screamers. I like Island of Mutations as it has a nice zing to it.