Archive for dinosaurs

King Kong, Godzilla, Dinosaur Floaties

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 25, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bonejangles

Been following the development of the remake of King Kong vs. Godzilla (the first ppv match-up — aka “The Gorilla in Manila” — went down in 1962.) No pun intended, but there’s a HUGE logistic the filmmakers need to deal with: King Kong was 100 feet tall in Kong: Skull Island (2017), the biggest he’s ever been. However, in 2016’s Shin Godzilla (aka, Godzilla: Resurgence), the king of monsters shook, rattled and rolled skyscrapers at 387 feet. You see where I’m going with this.

So by pitting Kong against Godzilla in 2020 (projected), they’re either going to have to make the monkey four times his current stature, or shrink Godzilla down 287 feet. As science tells us, you don’t/can’t/shouldn’t make Godzilla smaller. (In King Kong vs. Godzilla they were both about the same height: 164 feet tall, give or take a few chimneys.)

A few unsolicited options: #1: Make four Kongs and stack ’em. #2: Have Godzilla stuck halfway down some sort of quicksand pit or really deep hot tub. #3: Monkey foot-shaped platform shoes. I could keep this up all day.

Speaking of glaring discrepancies, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that’ll either make sense or they won’t…

BONEJANGLES (July 18, 2017)
“While transporting the legendary serial killer Bonejangles to an asylum, a group of police officers break down in a town cursed with demonic zombies. The only way they can survive the night and save the town is to release Bonejangles to help them fight the curse, with something much worse.”

Not to be confused with the Bonejangles from 2005’s Corpse Bride (He sang/sings at the Ball and Socket Pub.) Hard, though, to take a serial killer who names himself Bonejangles seriously. Come back to me with something like Knifey McCutter and we’ll talk.

Suspiria

SUSPIRIA (2017/2018)
Susie Bannion, a young American woman, travels to the prestigious Markos Tanz Company in Berlin in 1977, arriving just as one of its members, Patricia, has disappeared under mysterious circumstances. As Susie makes extraordinary progress under the guidance of Madame Blanc, the Company’s revolutionary artistic director, she befriends another dancer, Sara, who shares her suspicions that the Matrons, and the Company itself, may be harboring a dark and menacing secret.”

Yep, YET ANOTHER remake, the first one making its same name back in 1977. It was Italian, so if you plan on watching it, plan on reading it as well. Unless you’re Italian. If so, go nuts.

Mab

MAB (2017)
Rosie and her mother, Kris struggle to make ends meet. Their only source of income comes from the daily delivery Rosie makes to the mysterious Mab. But what are these deliveries and what impact will this have on their lives of those around them? A magical realism short that uncovers the sacrifices people make to take control of their lives and the evil that lurks in the darkness of desperation.”

A smattering of research reveals that Mab is one of the moons of Uranus and/or a fairy in Shakespeare’s play Romeo and Juliet. Or it could mean “multi-armed bandit.” (A reference to a criminal octopus, perhaps?) However you cast it, this one’s gonna be a rough sell to Mab Darogan, a figure of Welsh legend.

Jurassic World — Fallen Kingdom

JURASSIC WORLD – FALLEN KINGDOM (June 22, 2018)
“With all of the wonder, adventure and thrills synonymous with one of the most popular and successful franchises in cinema history, this all-new motion-picture event sees the return of favorite characters and dinosaurs along with new breeds more awe-inspiring and terrifying than ever before.”

The first official poster for the Flintstones of the Future. So yeah, more unleashed dinosaurs. Have to say, I did like the Mosasaurus, that badass swimming pool dinosaur in Jurassic World (2015). The pool rules were simple: you cannonball in and you don’t cannonball out.

Finnish Superheroes, Hitler Dinosaurs, Vampire Neighbors

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rendel

Been watching the new Marvel™ TV series Iron Fist on Netflix™. There are good aspects and some so bad it causes involuntary facial flinching. Daniel Rand, introduced as a kid who lost his corporate rich mom and dad in a relaxing vacation plane wreck over the Himalayas, is rescued by invisible monks and raised for the next 15 years to be the next Iron Fist, solely designed to wipe out the evil gang, The Hand. They beat him with sticks every day to reinforce their clenched mandate.

15 years later he shows up unexpectedly in downtown New York as a shoeless street bum (with hipster beard and an iPod™), trying to reconnect with his dad’s company. (He’s an heir worth billions and yet can’t afford socks, matching or otherwise.)

All of this I can get behind except they make him say and do stupid things. (Really bad chi-generating meditation moves and stilted kung-fu reference dialogue.) Worst, they give him a lava glowing fist that, when he’s provoked by violence, lights up and he can punch criminals and/or walls right in the sheet rock. Walls pretty much deserve it because they impede proper feng shui. Stupid walls.

All in all, mildly entertaining, but a surprising misstep by Marvel™, whose only blemish on a stellar track record has been The Fantastic Four. (Note to Marvel — PLEASE quite trying to make that one work. No one gives a crap about a guy who can stretch like a rubber band and another one who looks like passed kidney stones.)

Speaking of things to pass on, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not need to be medically assisted to leave your body…

RENDEL (2017)
“A dark avenger is born when a worldwide corporation known as VALA launches an untested vaccine called Nh25 into the market by bribing, threatening, and killing every official opposing them.

Rendel unleashes his own special kind of hell against VALA, threatening to put an end the distribution of Nh25 As blood spills and the money burns, VALA recruits a group of mercenaries to do what they seemingly can’t, eliminate Rendel permanently.”

Rendel is Finland’s first superhero movie. About time they jumped on the bandwagon. Heck, I’m filming my own superhero movie as we speak: Yell Man: Neighbor Wars (pending $10 million crowd-funding.) Sounds like Rendel is a cross between Spawn (1997) and, well, me (I have a suit just like his, so you can see why people would make the connection. And by people, I mean me.) Despite a personal affront, looking forward to this one.

Living Among Us

LIVING AMONG US (2017)
“A documentary crew is sent in to interview a family of vampires whose existence has been made known to the world. But soon the crew realizes their very lives are in danger as they uncover a deadly secret and must fight for survival.”

Sounds like they took the framework of Fright Night (1985) and went to town with it. So vampires are living next door. Might be time to order some garlic polo shirts and Internet-ordered wooden stakes and go door-to-door because now I’m thinking those aren’t just a-holes living next to me, but bloodsucking a-holes.

Iron Sky: The Coming Race

IRON SKY: THE COMING RACE (February 14, 2018)
“Twenty years after the events of Iron Sky, the former Nazi Moonbase has become the last refuge of mankind. Earth was devastated by a nuclear war, but buried deep under the wasteland lies a power that could save the last of humanity — or destroy it once and for all. The truth behind the creation of mankind will be revealed when an old enemy leads our heroes on an adventure into the Hollow Earth. To save humanity they must fight the Vril, an ancient shape-shifting reptilian race and their army of dinosaurs.”

You can look but you may not find anything as crazy cool as Iron Sky (2012). And now with it’s sequel (which I e-barfed about on November 11, 2014) is within release sight. The new trailer shows a reanimated Hitler riding a T-Rex like it was a hobby horse, looking to re-take the world from the inside out. (Turns out those hollow Earthers were right. My apologies.) Consider putting Iron Sky: The Coming Race on your to-do/bucket list.

Lovecraft_Country

LOVECRAFT COUNTRY (HBO/in-production)
“After his father goes missing, Black joins up with his friend Letitia and his Uncle George to embark on a road trip across 1950s Jim Crow America to find him. This begins a struggle to survive and overcome both the racist terrors of white America and the malevolent spirits that could be ripped from a Lovecraft paperback.”

Racists and dark god entities. And how does this differ from the current political administration? You’ve already seen this — every night on the news.

Dinosaurs From Space

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 2, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Laserblast

After some intergalactic police aliens — who look like turd-shaped dinosaurs — zapped a criminal who fugitive’d his probe hole to Earth, they forgot to retrieve a proprietary energy necklace and laser blast cannon (one powers the other).

Laserblast

A direction-less teen named Billie, who always seems to have THE LAW breathing down his neck, finds the ray gun and figures out how to use it to get back at those who wronged him, like those local bullies and that !@#$% mailbox, whose just been asking for it.

Laserblast

Every time Billie uses the weapon, though, he changes into a green-faced ghoul with stoned eyes and short yellow fangs that could act as teeth should he desire some beef jerky or some other chewy treat. Speaking of, back in outer space, the aliens are being chewed out by their boss for leaving the gun behind. This is done in an upper atmosphere language I have yet to master.

Laserblast

Billie, having some fun, blasts stuff like it wasn’t against the law, even blowing up a billboard advertising the Star Wars (1977) movie. Priceless. But the fun can’t last forever; The aliens re-arrive, and in a moment of pure irony, blast Billie with a ray gun of their own. The light blue and pink beams may not look very harmful, but they ARE. May Billie rest in pieces.

Laserblast

Laserblast (1978) is classic cheeseball sci-fi that wants to be serious, but falls short by a few light years. A suggestion would be to try a more manly colored ray beam next time.

Vampires, Lobsters and Dinosaurs

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 3, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Horror of the Blood Monsters

The Italian made Horror of the Blood Monsters (1970) might possibly be the all time WTF horror/sci-fi movies ever made. You can start with its numerous re-titlings, from 7 per L’Infinito Contro I Missili Spaziali (translation: 7 For The Infinite Space Against Missiles), to Space Mission to the Lost Planet, Vampire Men of the Lost Planet and The Flesh Creatures. I honestly can’t decide which one I like best.

Horror of the Blood Monsters

Then there are the movie’s “everything but the kitchen sink” elements: vampires, cavemen, dinosaurs, UFOs, space rockets, lobster people, flying bat people, snake men, missiles, spears, lasers, bow and arrows, hatchets, supermodel cave girls and the highly-convincing (ahem) Spectrum radiation that keeps turning the “atmosphere” from orange to green. Yep, you guessed it – Horror of the Blood Monsters is actually a Grateful Dead hippie drug party.

Horror of the Blood Monsters

The movie begins with gangs of vampires attacking citizens at night, sucking their blood or “sangue” from throats as if artificially-flavored cherry milkshakes. Then the movie abruptly shifts to outer space and a mission to a distant galaxy to discover the source of the vampire plague being a pain in the neck to us Earthers.

Horror of the Blood Monsters

A shiny spinning UFO mothership dispatches a smaller less shiny UFO landing party to the mysterious planet below. And it’s here they find an ongoing war between vampire cavemen with candy cigarette sized/shaped fangs violently beating and stabbing a non-vampire tribe.

Horror of the Blood Monsters

Everyone wears animal skins for performance boxer briefs (or “britches”) except for a super hot cave chick sporting an off-the-rack open shoulder ensemble with matching panties or “smoothing hi-cut briefs.” Meanwhile, up in space, rocket ships and the UFOs are shooting armed missiles at each other. I don’t know why.

Horror of the Blood Monsters

Watched this one without sub-titles (free on YouTube™) and was unable to learn the entire Italian language during its 80 minute running time. Figured it couldn’t be that hard. But as supremely dumb as this movie is (the cavemen fight scenes were spliced in, taken from the 1965 Filipino movie, Tagani and other monster stock footage was also wedged in there), you can’t help but entertained by the lobster people with pain-inflicting pinchers and the mini bat people that live in caves and fly right at your face when you spelunk their caves.

Horror of the Blood Monsters

Repeating scenes of the spaceships exploding and then reversing the footage to re-use again and again kinda wears you out. So does waiting for the hot cave chick to remove her top because it’s so hot on that irradiated planet. And was the mission to find out the source of the blood plague (brought to Earth by the Tubaton, vampire men from a distant galaxy) a success? For our sake I’d like to think yes. But man, I just don’t know.

Bowling Trophy Worthy Sci-Fi & Horror

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 12, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Saturn Awards

Even though The Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror Films was founded in 1972 to honor, recognize and promote genre films, NOT ONCE have they called me to accept a bowling trophy-esque shelf ornament during their annual Saturn Awards for Excellence in the Field of Horror/Sci-Fi Blogging. I feel this is a form of snob celebrity elitism. (The bag boys at the grocery store pull rank on me as well.)

Saturn Awards

Regardless of their humiliating oversight, the Saturn Awards, taking place June 22, 2016 in Burbank, CA, looks to acknowledge the horror/sci-fi/fantasy/misc. genres with metric tons of movie stars, directors, writers and complimentary shrimp platters with cocktail sauce for dipping. And since they have a million nominating categories, I’ve picked a few to see whose in line for winning a bowling trophy-esque award.

And the nominees (with my predicted winners) are…

BEST FILM SPECIAL/VISUAL EFFECTS
Avengers: Age of Ultron – How in the heck do they make Iron Man fly? Surely he must weigh, like, a metric ton.

Jurassic WorldDinosaurs dishing out dino sores. Awesome, though we’ve seen it three times before.

Mad Max: Fury Road – Best road rage action since your morning commute.

The Martian – Zillow™ is already pricing profiling Mars’ real estate.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens – It had to be mind-blowing because they need to keep milking the money-printing franchise.

Ex Machina – Winner

Ex Machina

Best usually means who had the budget to afford all those pricey eyeball delights. While each one of these should win, I’m going with smaller budgeted Ex-Machina because it shows up close and personal full front/back/top/bare bottom female nudity. So what if it’s a naked chick robot encased in synthetic bubble wrap? If you were stranded on a desert island with one, it wouldn’t be an issue.

BEST HORROR FILM RELEASE
Crimson Peak – Visually stylish ghost story, but the boos needed more booze.

Insidious: Chapter 3 – No.

It Follows – Yes.

Krampus – Kinda.

The Visit – Sorta.

What We Do in the Shadows – Winner

What We Do In The ShadowsMade by the Flight of the Concords comedy troupe, What We Do In the Shadows is the best vampire movie since Let The Right One In (2008) and 30 Days of Night/2007.(My opinion only, based on recommended daily doses of sweet and refreshing adult beverages.)

BEST INDEPENDENT FILM RELEASE
99 Homes – I didn’t see the first 98 homes, so…

Cop Car – I see enough of them as it is.

Experimenter – Didn’t have enough money to experiment with the movie ticket price, so…

Room – Didn’t see it.

Trumbo– Didn’t see it.

Bone Tomahawk – Winner

Bone TomahawkCannibals versus cowboys, hands down Bone Tomahawk starring Kurt Russell should win, if only for the movie’s last 15 minutes alone. Haven’t seen it? I double dog dare you to get through the last 15 minutes without your pants squirming up into your poo portal.

BEST INTERNATIONAL FILM RELEASE
The 100 Year-Old-Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared – Dumb title. Didn’t want to see it.

Goodnight Mommy – Potentially.

Labyrinth of Lies – Didn’t see it.

Legend – Didn’t see it.

Turbo Kid – Seriously?

The Wave – Winner

The WaveBased on an actual event that happened before you were born, The Wave is a Norwegian disaster film about a small community situated on a fjord about to be swallowed by a 250-foot mega tsunami, the result of a mega landslide. The wild wave itself is quite spectacular, but it’s the testicle-tightening lead up and post-wave t*tty-twisting that delivers the groceries.

BEST SCIENCE FICTION FILM RELEASE
Ex Machina – Nudity is not science fiction.

Jurassic World – Is DNA cloning science fiction? I think not.

The Martian – This movie was based on science fact, which negates fiction.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens – It’s not fiction in the minds of Star Wars nerds.

Terminator: Genisys – No.

Mad Max: Fury Road – Winner

Mad Max: Fury RoadMad Max: Fury Road is insanity awesome. It instantly made me want to adorn my car with gasoline-powered sharp things and drive on sidewalks at 100 m.p.h.

Cannibal Dinosaurs

Posted in Classic Horror, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 24, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Massacre in Dinosaur Valley

Massacre in Dinosaur Valley (1985). Misleading title. There are no dinosaurs. There is a valley, though. And cannibals, alligators, bugs, 50% naked women, snakes, 50% naked women, bugs… Let’s see, did I forget anything? Oh, yeah — 50% NAKED WOMEN! Meaning, only half their clothes are off.

Massacre Dinosaur Valley

Doesn’t matter which half as they’re supermodels. Specifically, supermodels whose toy plane has just landed in what looks to be a mud puddle somewhere in the Amazon jungle. Three guys, three chicks and a jungle full of cannibals who don’t like their meals with any dressing (heh). The grand plan is to walk back to civilization. Great plan.

Massacre in Dinosaur Valley

One guy’s wife seems to be drunk all the time and rags on her Vietnam vet husband, the ONLY guy with skills to get them safely through the dense bushes. The other two guys think he’s a p*ssy for letting his wife walk all over him in front of the cannibals and alligators. (Don’t worry — he eventually responds with a solid right to the lip-sticked pie-hole.)

Massacre in Dinosaur Valley

If the cannibals, who force the girls to take off the other half of their clothes weren’t bad enough, now the six survivors have to contend with white slavery business owners who are running a local illegal mining business. There’s a bit of grisly gore (shredded ankle), but only one cannibal meal, which seemed a bit on the light side given how hungry natives there are.

Massacre in Dinosaur Valley

Still, the depiction of naked modern women in the untamed jungle is a juxtaposition that invites social commentary. That, and jungle boobies all over the place. Still, I was kinda hoping for a dinosaur or two, you know, to help make sense of everything.

Big Hair Sci-Fi

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 12, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Night of the Comet

The last time that comet came this close to Earth, it killed off all those cute and friendly dinosaurs. Now, 65 million years later, it’s back for an encore in the 1984 sci-fi cheese classic, Night of the Comet.

Night of the Comet

When our unlucky planet goes through the tail of the maniac meteor, it turns most people into piles of pencil shavings and some into meteor zombies. Survivors include a Valley Girl with big hair who has unprotected sex with her movie projectionist boyfriend. (I think he ends up getting eaten like a popcorn/human hot dog combo deal. I lost track as I had comet dust in my eyes.)

Night of the Comet

Scientists theorize that the meteor-made zombies will soon disintegrate into pencil shavings. Until then, don’t put your hands in their mouths. Turns out, the scientists are the bad guys, harvesting the survivor’s untainted life goop in hopes to cure their impending zombie-itis. Too much dumb-assery and a ridiculous way to resolve it all in the form of Mother Nature. Science sucks.

Night of the Comet