Archive for Netflix

Zombies, Monster Book, Slasher Slumber Party

Posted in Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 22, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Walking Dead

The Walking Dead, ratings juggernaut and everybody’s favorite zombie TV show that has less to do with the walking dead than humans, returns for season eight on AMC/October 22, 2017. Okay, I get that there are people who violently express they aren’t fans. Sorry you like songs all in the same key, too. (Eight years of zombies eating people? Cool, but at some point you need more than a Lazy Susan snack platter.)

Season seven ended with a gnarly nasty war brewing between main guy Rick Grimes and his people and self-proclaimed King of the New World, Negan and his hardcore followers. Kinda sounds like Congress. Sure, there were less zombies in that season than were put on the KP duty during previous years. But man, Negan is such a magnetizing character, brutally nasty and gleefully kill-y. He previously made Rick his b*tch, and now the series’ hero is about to reclaim his throne by taking off the gloves and taking on Negan, with the intent to get all kill-y on him. And I, as a die-hard (no pun intended) fan, can’t wait.

Until that booze worthy celebratory day comes, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not kill you to watch…

The Punisher

THE PUNISHER (Netflix/2017)
“The series revolves around Frank Castle, who uses lethal methods to fight crime as the vigilante, The Punisher.”

Right the double heck on. Frank Castle was first introduced to us on the Daredevil TV series (slated for a third season on Netflix™ later in 2017, the year of our power lords), and was a standout highlight in an increasingly “where are we going with this?” show. (Frank’s a way better adversary than any of Daredevil’s foes. I’m looking sideways in your direction, Kingpin.) And Frank, of course, is brilliantly played by Jon Bernthal, formerly the exploding firecracker, Shane Walsh of The Walking Dead series. (Spoiler — he was killed off….TWICE!)

Book of Monsters

BOOK OF MONSTERS (pending crowd-funding)
“Sophie’s 18th birthday party becomes a bloodbath when six terrifying monsters descend upon her house, intent on devouring the party guests and killing anyone who tries to leave.

As her school friends are torn apart and eaten, Sophie must rally a band of misfits and take up arms to send their party crashers back to hell. In order to survive the night, Sophie will face her destiny; monsters are real — and she’s the only one who can stop them.”

Cool title, but the premise smells a bit stinkified of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1997—2003) TV series, which was just a re-imagineering of Scooby Doo. They seem very specific about the amount of monsters to do the dirty work. I’m quite okay with this as it means fewer teenagers are left to take selfies and body shame me on Twitter™.

Ruin Me

RUIN ME (2017/2018)
“Alexandra reluctantly tags along for Slasher Sleepout, an extreme event that is part camping trip, part haunted house, and part escape room. But when the fun turns deadly, Alex has to play the game if she wants to make it out alive.”

Teen horror. If you’re a teen, you may like this. If you’re not a teen, you may not like this as it borrows —deeply — from numerous, worn out horror movie plots. I only have one question — does one wear pajamas or not while attending the Slasher Sleepout? I don’t know whether to go with just floral print 100% cotton bottoms and a comfy Motörhead T-shirt, or my Spider-Man adult onesie? I should probably ask a teen.

Burning Shadow

BURNING SHADOW (2017/2018)
“After discovering a homeless man who is his exact look-alike, a former soldier is drawn into the dangerous LA underworld.”

Dude, you were looking in a mirror! Am I the only one who figured this out?

Demonic Possession, Foreign Weather, Avocados

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 26, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

American Guinea Pig: The Song of Solomon

Watching a bunch of haunted house documentaries on YouTube™. Loving the footage of alleged paranormal activity. Every time I pick up a camera, all I get are blurry pics of UFOs and Bigfoot. No photos of ghosts, though as I’m not too keen on wandering around houses that are reputed to be haunted. I hear there are poltergeists in a lot of ‘em. And that pretty much goons me out.

Speaking of not-so-scary things, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not make your vision go blurry…

AMERICAN GUINEA PIG: THE SONG OF SOLOMON (pending crowd-funding)
Mary witnesses the brutal suicide of her father. His death unleashes the savage forces of demonic possession in her. The End of Days is upon the world, famine, drought, looting and chaos is ripping the world apart and the Catholic Church is trying to save an innocent soul from the ravages of satanic possession. Wave after wave of holy men are sent to confront the possessed. The Song of Solomon’s true nature is to unleash an evil the world has been waiting for since the beginning of time.”

And to think all Mary’s father had to do to keep all this from happening was to call the Suicide Hotline. (And for those considering the chickensh*t way out, you might wanna make the call: 1-800-273-8255.) That aside, I do like the line, “Wave after wave of holy men are sent to confront the possessed.” Sounds like security at a Liverpool vs. Manchester United football match.

Lake of Shadows: The Legend of Avocado Lake

LAKE OF SHADOWS: THE LEGEND OF AVOCADO LAKE (pending crowd-funding)
“Three aspiring filmmakers venture to a mysterious lake resort to uncover a story on a local legend. As they get closer to the truth, the danger follows. Before they know it they are thrust into a fight for their lives and the truth about Avocado Lake. Based on true cases.”

Yes, avocados are true. I’ve seen them. They look like alien dinosaur eggs filled with some sort of green mush. As for the legend in the lake, it’s not a spoiler to tell you it’s a man-eating monster fish. If you didn’t already know that, like a five day old avocado, you’ve just been spoiled.

The Rain

THE RAIN (2018/Netflix)
“Set after a devastating biological catastrophe, the world as we know it has ended. Six years after a brutal virus wiped out almost all humans in Scandinavia, two siblings join a group of young survivors set out to find out whether a new world has begun somewhere else.”

A new foreign (Danish) horror series by movie streaming giant, Netflix™. For another really good horror series from a different country than the one I’m being over-taxed in, try The Returned (2015). It’s French, sub-titled and très bien.

Housewife

HOUSEWIFE (2018)
“Holly’s mother murdered her sister and father when she was seven. 20 years later and slowly losing her grip on the difference between reality and nightmares, she runs into a celebrity psychic who claims that he is destined to help her.”

I went to a psychic once. After handing her $20, she divined there would be a need for me to drink a beer in the near future. That I was drinking a beer at the time while fuming over losing the crazy cool Troll doll at the carnival’s ring toss, had nothing to do with it. I believed her and mere minutes later, I was drinking YET ANOTHER beer. Uncanny, true and thus money well spent. P.S. Screw you, rigged ring toss.

Horror Clowns, Black Superheroes, Meaty Godzilla

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 10, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Behind The Sightings

Every month they change the fresh sheet at JaK’s my fav steakhouse of all time and space. (My accountant looked at my receipts and asked if I owned stock in the place. By now I should.)

June’s fresh sheet came out and right there in print was the…Rib-Eye Godzilla. This is no joke — and get this, it comes with a side order of screaming citizens! (Okay, that part was a joke.) Wonder if it comes with an order of Tokyo? Regardless, you now know what I’ll be eating for the next 30 days,

Speaking of tasty, here’s some upcoming horror and sci-fi that may or may not satisfy your city-crushing hunger…

BEHIND THE SIGHTINGS (October 2017)
“Based on over 112 hours of footage recovered from the personal belongings of aspiring filmmakers Todd and Jessica Smith. The husband and wife filmmaking duo were investigating the 2016 creepy clown sighting epidemic. The first clown sightings occurred in August 2016 in Greenville, South Carolina. Authorities were alerted to reports by neighborhood kids stating that creepy clowns were appearing in the woods near an apartment complex. The clown sightings spread to all 50 states and across Europe. Todd and Jessica were attempting to track down clown sighting witnesses and the clowns involved in a rash of creepy clown sightings that plagued an eastern North Carolina community.”

A little late on the clown sighting social phenomenon, which I though was a clever promo for the new It (2017) movie. The funny part here is that people who took part in the clown sightings were in fact already clown themselves. Think this goes in the “already seen it” file, which is right next to the “stupid dumbasses” folder.

Midnighters

MIDNIGHTERS (2017/2018)
“Midnight, New Year’s Eve: when all the hopes of new beginnings come to life — except for Lindsey and Jeff Pittman, whose strained marriage faces the ultimate test after they cover up a terrible crime and find themselves entangled in a Hitchcockian web of deceit and madness.”

Hitchcockian web? Hitchcock was a spider? Now his movies all of a sudden make sense.

Black Panther

BLACK PANTHER (February 16, 2018)
Black Panther springs into action when an old enemy threatens the fate of his nation and the world.”

Marvel’s Black Panther was a hugely welcome debut in Captain America: Civil War (2016). That cat had some sleek moves. So it’s with some sort of glee I’m looking forward to an entire movie devoted to his sleek moves. Of course, African-American superheroes have been around for some time, but not nearly as much as their counterparts. For a recent example watch Luke Cage (Netflix). He also hooked up with Jessica Jones in her TV series. Lucky guy. Off the top ‘o my noggin is Hancock (Will Smith) Storm (Halle Berry) Spawn (1977) and yep, I’ll through in Asgard’s Heimdall (Idris Elba). But if you wanna go really obscure, try The First Black Superman, released back in 1977 when hippies ran free and personal hygiene was dubious at best. Fun watching how your parents acted when they were young and stupid.

ANGEL

ANGEL (pending crowd-funding)
When a brutal massacre plagued the isolated and peaceful town of Raven Rock in 1986, the remaining residents fled, leaving the once tranquil community behind. For thirty years the town has been chained and walled off from the outside world while deteriorating and crumbling. However not all has been quiet as disappearances have been attributed to the supposedly haunted town. Now a headstrong journalist and her team venture to Raven Rock to investigate the town, its history, and the missing persons. What they will discover is sometimes the truth is more disturbing than myth and Raven Rock is still being occupied.”

Sounds like a direct lift of 2006’s Silent Hill. That one had really cool weirdo monsters in the abandoned town. Ghosts, too. You’d think that be a tourist attraction instead of, say, a Ferris Wheel run amok. And don’t get me started on that possessed Tilt-a-Whirl, the only amusement park ride that makes you pay to reverse vomit.

Cartoon Zombies, Tent Snakes, Slenderman’s Cousin

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 26, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Seoul Station

Read a press statement that the advanced screening for the new Wonder Woman movie was for women only — no dudes allowed. You can bet your U by Kotex Barely There® Thong Panty Liners that if the situation were reversed, girls would be screaming bloody murder.

While you ponder that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies — allowed to be read by women AND men — while I go outside and scream bloody murder…

SEOUL STATION (May 30, 2017/iTunes)
“As the sun sets around Seoul Station, an old man thought to have died sinks his teeth into the warm flesh of a homeless person. Soon, the streets are filled with vicious zombies desperate to feed. Hae-sun, a runaway, witnesses the frightening sight while her father Suk-gyu and boyfriend desperately search for her. As the attacked become the attackers, the government declares a lock out of the station, leaving the uninfected to struggle desperately against the dangerous undead. With zombie numbers exploding, people without a home to return to, now have to flee without a place to run to in order to survive.”

This is an animated (or “cartoon”) prequel to Train To Busan, 2016’s best zombie movie. Haven’t seen TtB yet? How dare you? It’s on Netflix™ and various other viewable platforms. I prefer to view it from the platform of my couch.

Rogue Warrior: Robot Fighter

ROGUE WARRIOR: ROBOT FIGHTER (June 2, 2017)
“In the distant future, artificial intelligence rules Earth, but one woman has a plan to find a mythical weapon that represents humanity’s only hope of salvation.”

Actually, she has two mythical weapons. Don’t make me explain this.

Don’t Hang Up

DON’T HANG UP (June 12, 2017/UK, June 26, 2017/US)
“Following a long tradition of cocky teenage boys with too much time on their hands, Brady, Sam, and Mosley like to amuse themselves by making prank calls. However, their cellular diversions are intensified by the extreme nature of the pranks they put their unsuspecting victims through, and the delight and encouragement they receive when they post videos of their hijinks online for maximum humiliation. Having pushed the wrong person too far, they find themselves on the other side of a call, and an evening intended for normal high school revelry turns increasingly bloody as their unknown assailant ramps up a prank of his own.”

Ugh — more social media teen horror. With a plot of borrows (or “steals”) from a dozen other movies, I bet they made it for $1. Hope they double their money at the box office.

Better Watch Out

BETTER WATCH OUT (October 6, 2017/Limited)
“On a quiet suburban street tucked within a ‘safe neighborhood’, a babysitter must defend a twelve-year-old boy from strangers breaking into the house, only to discover that this is far from a normal home invasion.”

This one’s also being called Safe Neighborhood. Neither title works, so might I suggest, Home Alone.

Serpent

SERPENT (2017)
“A husband and wife on a romantic escape out in the wild quickly turns deadly when they are trapped in a tent with a poisonous snake.”

Pfffft — she didn’t call it poisonous on their honeymoon.

Flay

FLAY (2017)
“An estranged daughter who, after the death of her mother, struggles to save her brother and those around her from a malevolent faceless spirit.”

Slenderman called and he wants his faceless face back.

Kudzu Zombies

KUDZU ZOMBIES (2017)
“Lonnie must lead a mismatched group of survivors to the local air strip to escape a deadly zombie horde after an experimental chemical enters the food chain, transforming the citizens of Charleston, MS into monsters.”

Spoiler: the “experimental chemical” was chipotle and it was used illegally on a hamburger instead of a taco. And the zombies aren’t monsters but rather p*ssed off fast food customers wanting their $1.99 (plus tax) refunded in full.

UFOs, Nightmares, Fog Monsters, Bigfoot

Posted in Aliens, Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 20, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Unacknowledged

Watched YET ANOTHER Bigfoot documentary (I’ve pretty much seen ‘em all) and one “expert” (he’s not, I am) claims that there’s thousands of the highly marketable cryptid. Gonna have to call baloney puckey on that one. Do the math — there’s only ONE true Bigfoot. But hey, where did he come from? Wouldn’t he have had parents? What about a grandma who sends him a new sweater every Christmas? Those and many more questions will be answered when Bigfoot says so, not some dumbass “expert.” Uh, oh — I think I just called myself a dumbass. Oh well — not the first time.

Anyway, more mysterious horror/sci-fi topics being addressed in these upcoming films, of which I’m probably an expert at. Ahem.

UNACKNOWLEDGED (May 9, 2017/iTunes™)
Unacknowledged focuses on the historic files of the Disclosure Project and how UFO secrecy has been ruthlessly enforced — and why. The best evidence for extraterrestrial contact, dating back decades, is presented with direct top-secret witness testimony, documents and UFO footage, 80% of which has never been revealed anywhere else.”

About flippin’ time. UFOs are real and everybody knows it. Getting them to admit it, on film even, is the tough part. Unacknowledged is headed up by Dr. Steven Greer, a guy who put his reputation on the line by going up against the government and petitioning them to come clean with the E.T. goods. I’d go to him for medical/conspiracy services. Heck, when you think about, he’s probably really good at proctology. Don’t make me explain this.

Backwood Madness

BACKWOOD MADNESS (2017)
Backwood Madness is a horror fantasy movie that bustles with trolls and goblins. Situated during the second World War, it tells a story about a conflict between men and creatures of the forest. The main character is struggling with his own mysterious past that is taking events towards the inevitable collision with destiny.”

Haven’t seen a good troll since Troll Hunter (2010), so puttin’ this on my “to do” list taped to the kitchen mop (that’s on the “to-do”list as well). And with the addition of goblins, maybe Hollywood can make up for those goblins in the steaming pile of fantasy mess that was Legend (1985).

Flesh of the Void

FLESH OF THE VOID (2017)
“The film was shot almost entirely on expired Super 8 film from the ’80s, and is intended as a trip through the deepest fears of human beings, exploring its subject in a highly grotesque, violent and extreme manner. It’s 80 minutes of pure Hell, playing out like a non linear, psychedelic nightmare.”

This on sounds both icky and must-see at the same time. Kinda like watching an octopus attack on a ocean-wading tourist in a loud shirt drinking a margarita. And the words “highly grotesque” and “psychedelic nightmare” go together like “octopus” and “tourist with a loud shirt and margarita.”

Marrowbone

EL SECRETO DE MARROWBONE (October 27, 2017/Spain)
“A young man and his four younger siblings, who have kept secret the death of their beloved mother in order to remain together, are plagued by a sinister presence in the sprawling manor in which they live.”

Theorized (and probably right) spoiler: It’s their baby-sitter who never got paid for watching the brats.

The Mist

THE MIST (2017/Netflix™)
“After an eerie mist rolls into a small town, the residents must battle the mysterious mist and its threats, fighting to maintain morality and sanity.”

This, of course, is the TV series version of the not-too-shabby 2007 movie of the same name, based on one of Stephen King’s better sessions at the typewriter. It’s not a spoiler to casually mention there are mutated creatures that live in the mist or “fog.” I like the idea of a TV series as it will flesh out that angle and maybe show us how the military opened another dimension and let the bed bugs in. I’ll be taking notes.

Cartoon Vampires, Kid-Eating Clowns, End of the World

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 25, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Savageland

Amazing — NASA announced they’ve discovered seven new Earth-like exoplanets. This is incredible news — now I have somewhere to go to wait out the next four years.

Speaking of waiting, here’s some upcoming horror movies that NASA hasn’t discovered yet…

SAVAGELAND (February, 2017)
“Illegal immigration wrapped around the mysterious mass murder and disappearance of 57 people. The disappearances took place in the off-the-grid border town of Sangre de Cristo, Arizona, just a few miles north of Mexico. The police arrest Francisco Salazar, the lone survivor. He is found covered with the blood of a number of his fellow residents.”

Sounds like this movie was funded by Republicans.

Here Alone

HERE ALONE (March 31, 2017/VOD/Limited)
“A young woman struggles to survive on her own in the wake of a mysterious epidemic that has decimated society and forced her deep into the unforgiving wilderness.”

If I was the lone survivor of an epidemic that wiped out all of humanity, screw going into the woods; I’d just go deep into an unforgiving bar and hang out with my friend Bud(weiser). He’s pretty quiet, but speaks volumes.

Castlevania

CASTLEVANIA (2017/Netflix)
“Inspired by the classic video game series, Castlevania is a dark medieval fantasy following the last surviving member of the disgraced Belmont clan, trying to save Eastern Europe from extinction at the hand of Vlad Dracula Tepes himself.”

This is an animated TV series, so all of the calories, none of the fun. Saving grace — Castlevania is being made by Frederator Studios, whose numerous credits include Adventure Time and SuperF*ckers.

Crepitus

CREPITUS (2017/2018)
“Seventeen year old Elizabeth and her younger sister, Sam, are thrust into circumstances more terrifying than life with their abusive, drunken mother when they are forced to move into their deceased grandfather’s house. Frightened beyond belief, they learn horrible things about their family history. Never mind the ghosts in the house, there is something far worse that takes an interest in them…a cannibalistic clown named Crepitus.”

Reminds me of that 1992 episode of The Simpsons where Bart is staying with The Flanders while his mom Marge is giving birth to Lisa, and he’s in a circus clown themed bed freaking out, shaking and repeating, “Can’t sleep…clowns will eat me.” So yeah, a cannibal clown. That’s pretty f’d up. And why would clowns eat kids in the first place? From what the guy at the deli tells me, they taste terrible no matter how much mayo you smear on ‘em. I should probably buy my sandwiches elsewhere.

Eat Locals

EAT LOCALS (2017/2018)
“In a quiet countryside farmhouse, Britain’s vampires gather for their once-every-fifty-years meeting. Others will be joining them too; Sebastian Crockett, an unwitting Essex boy, the sexy cougar Vanessa, and a detachment of Special Forces vampire killers who have bitten off more than they can chew. This is certainly going to be a night to remember…and for some of them it will be their last.”

You’d think British vampires could find someplace nicer than a barn to hold their meetings. Might I suggest O’Henry’s — Home of the Power Drinkers. Appropriate as vampires could be referred to as power drinkers.

P.S. That’s a real place — I’ve been there. I shan’t return lest there be vampires about.

Screams On Demand

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens, UFOs, Vampires, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 26, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shudder

Happy to see Shudder™, a new horror/sci-fi channel, getting ready to make its gory debut. While no premier date is set in stone, I’m already making tweaks to the ass groove in my couch, because if it doesn’t suck, Shudder™ will get a lot of my butt time. Okay, that didn’t come out right.

Shudder™ is horror-on-demand and is reputed to work along the same model as Netflix™, the current reigning champ of movie streaming. Here’s a cool offering – as Shudder™ goes through beta testing (potential customer complaint glitches), if you give ‘em your e-mail address you could get a 60-day free trial. I’m no mathamagician, but I think that comes to two months thereabouts.

I only have one red flag at this time – they’ve broken down the horror/sci-fi into an ass groove of sub-genres. (See below.) Cute, but annoying. This is done on other streaming channels like Fright Pixs™, and it’s a pain to navigate as many of the same movies show up in different sub-categories. Talk about padding the bra.

Hopefully, though, Shudder™ will implement what is the most valuable feature every horror fan requires: Just Added. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve become hair-pullingly frustrated after fruitlessly trying to uncover new releases. (Disclaimer: indie horror as opposed to mainstream horror, which you can trip over walking out your door.)

Shudder

Better still would be if Shudder™ listed every movie on their website. Would make searching for my daily recommended requirement of depravity much easier.

Anyway, I’ll be among the first to jump on board as Netflix™, Amazon Prime™, M-Go™, Vudu™ and others are painfully weak in the horror/sci-fi department.

Here is Shudder’s™ sub-category listing… (More info at Sudder.com and their Facebook page dealie bob.)

• A-Horror

• Psychos and Madmen

• Identity Crises

• Socko Spoofs

• Into the Wild

• Comedy of Terrors

• Haunted Habitations

• Gross Anatomy

• Romantic Bloodsuckers

• Slashics

• Smart Slashers

• The Unblinking Eye: Diabolical Documentaries

• The Unraveling Mind

• Trapped

• Urban Decay

• Weird Science

• Zombie Jamboree

• Cult Masters: Euro Horror

• Foundations of Horror

• Hexes and Ooohs!

• Human Monsters and Serial Killers

• Monster Mash

• Possessions: The Devil Made Me Do It!

• Bad Genes and Killer Kids

• Not Your Ordinary Bloodsucker

• School’s Out… Forever

• Spectral Encounters