Archive for Netflix

UFOs, Nightmares, Fog Monsters, Bigfoot

Posted in Aliens, Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 20, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Unacknowledged

Watched YET ANOTHER Bigfoot documentary (I’ve pretty much seen ‘em all) and one “expert” (he’s not, I am) claims that there’s thousands of the highly marketable cryptid. Gonna have to call baloney puckey on that one. Do the math — there’s only ONE true Bigfoot. But hey, where did he come from? Wouldn’t he have had parents? What about a grandma who sends him a new sweater every Christmas? Those and many more questions will be answered when Bigfoot says so, not some dumbass “expert.” Uh, oh — I think I just called myself a dumbass. Oh well — not the first time.

Anyway, more mysterious horror/sci-fi topics being addressed in these upcoming films, of which I’m probably an expert at. Ahem.

UNACKNOWLEDGED (May 9, 2017/iTunes™)
Unacknowledged focuses on the historic files of the Disclosure Project and how UFO secrecy has been ruthlessly enforced — and why. The best evidence for extraterrestrial contact, dating back decades, is presented with direct top-secret witness testimony, documents and UFO footage, 80% of which has never been revealed anywhere else.”

About flippin’ time. UFOs are real and everybody knows it. Getting them to admit it, on film even, is the tough part. Unacknowledged is headed up by Dr. Steven Greer, a guy who put his reputation on the line by going up against the government and petitioning them to come clean with the E.T. goods. I’d go to him for medical/conspiracy services. Heck, when you think about, he’s probably really good at proctology. Don’t make me explain this.

Backwood Madness

BACKWOOD MADNESS (2017)
Backwood Madness is a horror fantasy movie that bustles with trolls and goblins. Situated during the second World War, it tells a story about a conflict between men and creatures of the forest. The main character is struggling with his own mysterious past that is taking events towards the inevitable collision with destiny.”

Haven’t seen a good troll since Troll Hunter (2010), so puttin’ this on my “to do” list taped to the kitchen mop (that’s on the “to-do”list as well). And with the addition of goblins, maybe Hollywood can make up for those goblins in the steaming pile of fantasy mess that was Legend (1985).

Flesh of the Void

FLESH OF THE VOID (2017)
“The film was shot almost entirely on expired Super 8 film from the ’80s, and is intended as a trip through the deepest fears of human beings, exploring its subject in a highly grotesque, violent and extreme manner. It’s 80 minutes of pure Hell, playing out like a non linear, psychedelic nightmare.”

This on sounds both icky and must-see at the same time. Kinda like watching an octopus attack on a ocean-wading tourist in a loud shirt drinking a margarita. And the words “highly grotesque” and “psychedelic nightmare” go together like “octopus” and “tourist with a loud shirt and margarita.”

Marrowbone

EL SECRETO DE MARROWBONE (October 27, 2017/Spain)
“A young man and his four younger siblings, who have kept secret the death of their beloved mother in order to remain together, are plagued by a sinister presence in the sprawling manor in which they live.”

Theorized (and probably right) spoiler: It’s their baby-sitter who never got paid for watching the brats.

The Mist

THE MIST (2017/Netflix™)
“After an eerie mist rolls into a small town, the residents must battle the mysterious mist and its threats, fighting to maintain morality and sanity.”

This, of course, is the TV series version of the not-too-shabby 2007 movie of the same name, based on one of Stephen King’s better sessions at the typewriter. It’s not a spoiler to casually mention there are mutated creatures that live in the mist or “fog.” I like the idea of a TV series as it will flesh out that angle and maybe show us how the military opened another dimension and let the bed bugs in. I’ll be taking notes.

Cartoon Vampires, Kid-Eating Clowns, End of the World

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 25, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Savageland

Amazing — NASA announced they’ve discovered seven new Earth-like exoplanets. This is incredible news — now I have somewhere to go to wait out the next four years.

Speaking of waiting, here’s some upcoming horror movies that NASA hasn’t discovered yet…

SAVAGELAND (February, 2017)
“Illegal immigration wrapped around the mysterious mass murder and disappearance of 57 people. The disappearances took place in the off-the-grid border town of Sangre de Cristo, Arizona, just a few miles north of Mexico. The police arrest Francisco Salazar, the lone survivor. He is found covered with the blood of a number of his fellow residents.”

Sounds like this movie was funded by Republicans.

Here Alone

HERE ALONE (March 31, 2017/VOD/Limited)
“A young woman struggles to survive on her own in the wake of a mysterious epidemic that has decimated society and forced her deep into the unforgiving wilderness.”

If I was the lone survivor of an epidemic that wiped out all of humanity, screw going into the woods; I’d just go deep into an unforgiving bar and hang out with my friend Bud(weiser). He’s pretty quiet, but speaks volumes.

Castlevania

CASTLEVANIA (2017/Netflix)
“Inspired by the classic video game series, Castlevania is a dark medieval fantasy following the last surviving member of the disgraced Belmont clan, trying to save Eastern Europe from extinction at the hand of Vlad Dracula Tepes himself.”

This is an animated TV series, so all of the calories, none of the fun. Saving grace — Castlevania is being made by Frederator Studios, whose numerous credits include Adventure Time and SuperF*ckers.

Crepitus

CREPITUS (2017/2018)
“Seventeen year old Elizabeth and her younger sister, Sam, are thrust into circumstances more terrifying than life with their abusive, drunken mother when they are forced to move into their deceased grandfather’s house. Frightened beyond belief, they learn horrible things about their family history. Never mind the ghosts in the house, there is something far worse that takes an interest in them…a cannibalistic clown named Crepitus.”

Reminds me of that 1992 episode of The Simpsons where Bart is staying with The Flanders while his mom Marge is giving birth to Lisa, and he’s in a circus clown themed bed freaking out, shaking and repeating, “Can’t sleep…clowns will eat me.” So yeah, a cannibal clown. That’s pretty f’d up. And why would clowns eat kids in the first place? From what the guy at the deli tells me, they taste terrible no matter how much mayo you smear on ‘em. I should probably buy my sandwiches elsewhere.

Eat Locals

EAT LOCALS (2017/2018)
“In a quiet countryside farmhouse, Britain’s vampires gather for their once-every-fifty-years meeting. Others will be joining them too; Sebastian Crockett, an unwitting Essex boy, the sexy cougar Vanessa, and a detachment of Special Forces vampire killers who have bitten off more than they can chew. This is certainly going to be a night to remember…and for some of them it will be their last.”

You’d think British vampires could find someplace nicer than a barn to hold their meetings. Might I suggest O’Henry’s — Home of the Power Drinkers. Appropriate as vampires could be referred to as power drinkers.

P.S. That’s a real place — I’ve been there. I shan’t return lest there be vampires about.

Screams On Demand

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens, UFOs, Vampires, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 26, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shudder

Happy to see Shudder™, a new horror/sci-fi channel, getting ready to make its gory debut. While no premier date is set in stone, I’m already making tweaks to the ass groove in my couch, because if it doesn’t suck, Shudder™ will get a lot of my butt time. Okay, that didn’t come out right.

Shudder™ is horror-on-demand and is reputed to work along the same model as Netflix™, the current reigning champ of movie streaming. Here’s a cool offering – as Shudder™ goes through beta testing (potential customer complaint glitches), if you give ‘em your e-mail address you could get a 60-day free trial. I’m no mathamagician, but I think that comes to two months thereabouts.

I only have one red flag at this time – they’ve broken down the horror/sci-fi into an ass groove of sub-genres. (See below.) Cute, but annoying. This is done on other streaming channels like Fright Pixs™, and it’s a pain to navigate as many of the same movies show up in different sub-categories. Talk about padding the bra.

Hopefully, though, Shudder™ will implement what is the most valuable feature every horror fan requires: Just Added. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve become hair-pullingly frustrated after fruitlessly trying to uncover new releases. (Disclaimer: indie horror as opposed to mainstream horror, which you can trip over walking out your door.)

Shudder

Better still would be if Shudder™ listed every movie on their website. Would make searching for my daily recommended requirement of depravity much easier.

Anyway, I’ll be among the first to jump on board as Netflix™, Amazon Prime™, M-Go™, Vudu™ and others are painfully weak in the horror/sci-fi department.

Here is Shudder’s™ sub-category listing… (More info at Sudder.com and their Facebook page dealie bob.)

• A-Horror

• Psychos and Madmen

• Identity Crises

• Socko Spoofs

• Into the Wild

• Comedy of Terrors

• Haunted Habitations

• Gross Anatomy

• Romantic Bloodsuckers

• Slashics

• Smart Slashers

• The Unblinking Eye: Diabolical Documentaries

• The Unraveling Mind

• Trapped

• Urban Decay

• Weird Science

• Zombie Jamboree

• Cult Masters: Euro Horror

• Foundations of Horror

• Hexes and Ooohs!

• Human Monsters and Serial Killers

• Monster Mash

• Possessions: The Devil Made Me Do It!

• Bad Genes and Killer Kids

• Not Your Ordinary Bloodsucker

• School’s Out… Forever

• Spectral Encounters

Free-Love Vampire

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 26, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Female Vampire

Several things you need to know before you watch Female Vampire (1973). First, there is a LOT of naked nudity. Front, back, upside down, sideways, rolling around, perpendicular… Secondly, it’s sub-titled. But when you have that much sex and naked stuff, sub-titles seem more or less an annoyance.

Female Vampire

Female Vampire is a European horror film about Countess Irina von Karlstein, a young and eerily attractive, fang-less descendant of a family of vampires, who, unable to speak (not with her mouth full all the time), goes around having unsafe sex with anyone, anytime, anywhere. Just so you know, it’s not blood that sustains her. Use some imagineering here.

Female Vampire

And since this is the ‘70s and in Europe, there is an abundance of body hair, all of which is zoomed in on – sometimes uncomfortably close. Which reminds me, I should probably mow the lawn and trim those bushy hedges.

Female Vampire

There’s a plot, but it only gets paid lip service as Irina pays a lot of lip service on her victims and spends most of the movie wearing nothing but a leather belt, knee-high leather boots and a cape. In case she gets cold. I don’t see how as she’s so hot. Heh.

Female Vampire

Unlike Irina, all bases are covered: girl on guy, guy on girl, girl on girl, girl on bed post, girl on bed pillow, girl on bath tub… There’s even an S&M scene thrown in there to make it more continental.

Female Vampire

Female Vampire comes in several varieties/titles: The Bare Breasted Countess, in both hard R-rated and X-rated versions. Regardless, you could say this movie sucks. But that’s the point, is it not?

P.S. Female Vampire is available for streaming on Netflix™. You’re welcome.

Nazi Dinosaurs

Posted in Aliens, Fantasy, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 11, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Iron Sky: The Coming Race

Did you see Iron Sky, the 2012 independently made Nazi UFO movie? Of course you did, how silly of me. The production values were some of the best ever seen for an indie funded movie. And while the storyline of a Nazi stronghold on the moon plotting a comeback tour after being served by our troops back in 1945 was a deliciously nice take, the main characters were a disappointing and annoying distraction. With the hopeful release of Iron Sky: The Coming Race, the filmmakers have a chance to fine-tune their game.

I say hopeful as the movie is being crowd-funded on IndieGoGo™ [click here]. As of this writing they have only rounded up $91,000 of their intended $500,000 goal and 40 days left to make dinosaurs happen. Being a patron of the arts, I pledged a generous $18.00 to the cause.

Iron Sky: The Coming Race

And what a cause it is: the extremely well-produced trailer exhibits the uncommonly high-production values first depicted in Iron Sky and shows a woman, who is in reality a shapeshifting reptilian in the Antarctic (or someplace frozen and snowy) taking an elevator down to the center of the Earth, which is hollow like a malt ball and a paradise of sorts. It’s there she greets Hitler riding a T-rex dinosaur. I might have to go back and pledge another $18.00 as this looks cooler than the snow up top.

Iron Sky: The Coming Race

Here’s the plot: “Twenty years after the events of Iron Sky, the former Nazi Moonbase has become the last refuge of mankind. Earth was devastated by a nuclear war, but buried deep under the wasteland lies a power that could save the last of humanity – or destroy it once and for all.”

“The truth behind the creation of mankind will be revealed when an old enemy leads our heroes on an adventure into the Hollow Earth. To save humanity they must fight the Vril, an ancient shapeshifting reptilian race and their army of dinosaurs.”

Iron Sky

I declare all of that to be awesome. And in case you want to get up to speed on Iron Sky, the movie is on Netflix™ and I blogged all over myself about it twice here, once in July of 2010 [click here] and again on February 10, 2012 [click here].

P.S. No I am not cheap. $18.00 is all I could afford after spending $1,200.00 on new hair product. Hey, a sci-fi fan fan has to look his best.

P.P.S. The ad poster for Iron Sky: The Coming Race liberally borrows its look from 2005’s War of the Worlds remake. Don’t let that keep you from giving generously in their time of need.

War of the Worlds

You Are Future Food

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , on March 4, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Tooth and Nail

Yet another butt-numbingly boring “life in the post-apocalyptic” survival tale. Tooth and Nail (2007) is set in the not-too-distant future where the world has run out of gas and those who don’t shrivel up and die instantly are either pansy-ass Foragers or cannibalistic Rovers. When the two opposing viewpoints meet over dinner, guess who’s gonna be this week’s mystery meat?

Tooth and Nail

Set in stinky U.S. city, it’s not explained why the Rovers have Australian accents and all wear trench coats, which is even more clichéd is their weaponry. C’mon – aren’t there any cool guns left laying around after the world goes to crap that you’d resort to using a spiked baseball bat to get your point across?

Tooth and Nail

A hot young gal leads the pro-wrestler sized Rovers, who do whatever she tells them to. Yeah, that’ll happen in the future. And the last of-age hottie standing after the Rovers have eaten all of the Foragers decides she’s had enough, smears war-paint on her face, and takes on the finger-licking hungry men.

Tooth and Nail

And if you’re gonna eat people at least show it. And what’s with no nudity? Don’t women take their clothes off in the future? Yawn, stretch, scratch lower groin, go wash hands, yawn again, check fridge, and wait for the next Netflix™ movie to come in the mail.