House of Bats, Weaponized Demons, Burlesque Vampires

The Flash has S.T.A.R. Labs. Superman has the Fortress of Solitude. Aquaman has an adult-sized clam shell with a seaweed lawn. But none of them can match the majesty of the caped crusader’s condo, the Batcave. Batman’s famous headquarters is where he has anti-crime computers, TVs, probably a fridge and even a private “bat room” when he needs to pinch some guano. And now you can own a Lego™ replica of the Batcave for a crime-busting $399.99. Called the Batcave™ – Shadow Box, this monolithic set comes with a Batmobile™ and even Alfred the Butler™.

From Lego’s™ website: “Adult enthusiasts can recreate the iconic Batcave™ from 1992’s Batman Returns movie with the LEGO® DC Batman™ Batcave – Shadow Box. This 3,981-piece tableau incorporates movable items, mini figures and a feature-rich Batmobile™ to produce a detailed and dynamic display piece that will captivate all who see it.” 

“Measuring over 20” wide, this Batcave tableau contains an assortment of authentic details, including movable items that can be controlled from the rear. Users can turn the chair, change the computer screen and open and close the tool store and illuminated Batsuit™ vault. For extra realism, a Batmobile with a variety of hands-on features is included along with 7 mini figures: Max Shreck, The Penguin™, Catwoman™, 2 versions of Batman, Alfred Pennyworth™ and Bruce Wayne™. For added convenience, a digital version of the set’s building instructions can be found on the LEGO Builder app.” Note to law-abiding citizens living in Gotham or not, the Batcave™ – Shadow Box officially goes on sale June 8, 2023. However, if you sign up to be a Lego™ VIP member, you can get early sale access on June 5, 2023. 

So while we all rush over to Lego.com and sign up (click this), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not feature a plastic butler…

GHOST / July 9, 2023 (POV Horror™, Wicked Horror TV™)

“A deadly religious cult begins weaponizing demonic entities — and it’s up to a band of church-funded mercenaries to take them down before they unleash Hell on Earth. When word of a Fallen Angel reaches the team, the stakes are raised and the fate of humanity rests on the shoulders of one man: Ghost.”

Deadly religious cults don’t practice safe sect.

BLOODY BRIDGET / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A Haitian voodoo deity transforms a burlesque dancer into a “Valentine vampire.” Blood only whets her appetite – she must eat her victims’ beating hearts!”

The problem with burlesque vampires is you still have to tip ’em.

THE DEVIL COMES AT NIGHT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

Ben, a washed-up boxer searching for his inheritance, must fight for his life when he is trapped in his deceased father’s farmhouse by a cannibal cult. With the help of Amy, the local librarian, he discovers the cult’s leader, Mason, has been hunting down his family for generations. And now his sights are set on Ben. Together, Ben and Amy come up with a plan to defeat the cult once and for all.

Cannibals form cults because they’re fed up with people. Heh.

THE BOOGEYMAN: THE ORIGIN OF THE MYTH / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A group of teenagers discover that the terrifying legend of The Boogeyman is real after the mysterious disappearances of several children in a small town.”

This one’s also known as El Hombre Del Saco. Wish I could have a cool name like Del Saco.

May The Speed Force Be With You, People Plants, Cutting Out Social Media

The buzz is buzzing about The Flash upcoming movie (June 23, 2023), with the trailers revealing two Flashes, two Batmans, Supergirl, and General Zod, though he died in Man of Steel (2013). Hey, movies can do whatever they want with our minds. And with that comes more character posters, these three new ones being Flash, Supergirl and Batman. (My character poster was cut as I’m not in the film, apparently.)

So here’s the official plot, though it wasn’t that difficult to piece it together after watching the trailers: “Barry Allen uses his super speed to change the past, but his attempt to save his family creates a world without super heroes, forcing him to race for his life in order to save the future.” 

So while we debate whether or not having me in The Flash has any added marquee value, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/film shorts that may or may not give you the…runs. P.S. The Flash stole Metallica’s logo. Just sayin’.

YOUR HOUSEPLANTS ARE SCREAMING / Out now (VOD)

“Human houseplants are held captive by a giant plant creature. Confined to their pots, the houseplants struggle to comprehend the horror of being shelf ornaments in a grotesque hell house made of flesh, meat, muscle and bone.”

Human houseplants. I can only imagine what is being used as fertilizer.

KILLER KITES / May 26, 2023 (VOD)

“When Abby’s grandma dies, the only thing she inherits is a stupid kite. After giving it to her brother, he is mysteriously killed and the kite disappears. While searching for the truth, Abby is tangled in a strange supernatural plot, where this killer kite continues to kill. Now, Abby must string together a way to stop the kite before it blows us all away. Kites may not be the scariest monster ever, but they’re up there.”

I heard this was made on a kite string budget.

#CHADGETSTHEAXE / Fall 2023 (VOD)

“Four social media influencers live stream their trip to Devil’s Manor, former home to a satanic cult.”

The only thing worse than social media horror movies is watching ‘em.

THE MOUNT 2 / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A year after the incident at the Mount, the police are still investigating the murders of Philomena and Caroline. The Mount has been cordoned off by the police. However, on Halloween night, a group of teenagers break in. They plan on holding a wedding between friends, conducted by a rather odd character. Little did they know some unexpected guests would show up to crash the party.

Don’t look at me like that — I heard there’s an open bar.

Monstrous Munitions, Bloody Bingo, Casino Carnage

Small Nuclear Warhead Decor. Four words that shouldn’t go together, and yet do. Makes more sense when you see what small Nuclear Warhead decor actually is. Leave it up to Itvalore.com, a direct-to-consumer online retailer, to come up with something to finally take down those obnoxious/ubiquitous garden gnomes, who took down those tacky pink flamingo yard decorations. What goes around, comes around, b*tches!.

Itvalore.com sales-pitches ’em thusly: “This will be the best horror style addition. Make the hair stand on end for anyone who dares to step into this territory. Multiple colors and styles to choose from, it’s a perfect gift for your friends who loves skull and weaponry. Every item in our shop is handmade, hand-painted and unique.”

The resin Skull Bombs (four different styles) measure 7.8” x 2.75” x 2.75”, roughly the same size of the personal comfort device on your girlfriend’s night stand. Or would that be…one night stand? For you, maybe. Heh. They cost $23.15 each, marked down from $78.68. Talk about an explosive deal! Get ‘em here.

So while we pull up those annoying Lady’s Slipper Orchids and Middlemist Reds to make room for these trespasser-scaring shells (rig ‘em to make detonating grenade sounds when anybody steps on your lawn), here are a few out-now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not require you to get bombed after watching ’em…

CARNIFEX / Out now (Tubi™)

“An aspiring documentarian and two conservationists who venture into the Outback to record the animals displaced by bush fires where they discover a terrifying new species — and quickly become the ones being tracked.”

Carnifex is also the name of  a cool deathcore band from San Diego County, CA. They should be doing the soundtrack.

DEATH’S ROULETTE / May 5, 2023 (Paramount+™)

“Seven strangers wake up in a mansion in the middle of nowhere discover they are part of a twisted game. They will have 60 minutes to choose one person to die; otherwise, all of them will be murdered. As the clock ticks down, the most lurid secrets will come to light, and they’ll discover they are all connected by a dark past. As each character begins to justify their life over everybody else’s to save themselves, we sink deeper into a world of intrigue and mistrust and get to know them in an intimate and vulnerable way.”

I liked this better when it was called Nine Dead (2009).

JOHNNY & CLYDE / May 5, 2023 (VOD)

“Johnny and Clyde are two serial killers who are madly in love and on an endless crime spree. Alana is the confident and cunning owner of a prosperous casino that generates tens of millions of dollars each year. Johnny and Clyde decide to assemble a ragtag group of criminals and misfits to steal from Alana’s casino and pull off the heist of the century. Unfortunately for Johnny and Clyde’s crew, Alana has a deadly weapon at her disposal — the hellish slasher spirit known as Bakwas.”

Bakwas — sounds too much like “backwash” to be that frightening. However, backwash — when it comes to sharing a refreshing 16 oz. can of, say, Budweiser™, is horrifying. You’d still drink it because hey, it’s a waste to waste wasted beer.

TELL ME A CREEPY STORY / May 9, 2023 (VOD)

“A beekeeper killing his wife and burying her in the garden. A young boy trying to satisfy his increasingly inhumane appetite. A serial killer couple and a woman terrified she’s being stalked, all make this a truly terrifying horror anthology.”

Beekeeper killing his wife. Too bad; she used to be his…honey.

Drinkin’ & Drive-in, Indian-American Demon, Bathroom Horror

During my long forgotten youth, many of the horror movies I saw were at the drive-in, the inspiration for this blog’s clever title. This was because drive-ins were a lot cheaper than going to the movie theaters and you could smuggle in your own popcorn, which my parental figures did. (I smuggled in beer when I got old enough, which was around age seven.) But now you can relive the glory days of horror movies at the drive-in with A Cut Below: A Celebration of B Horror Movies, 1950s – 1980s, an upcoming book by horror movie fanatic, Scott Debrit.

Scott writes about retro horror/sci-fi in his column Drive-in Dust Offs on DailyDead.com, so he’s more than qualified to author a book based on his vast knowledge of the genre. As opposed to me, having written over 3,000 blogs about horror/sci-fi and managing to contribute absolutely nothing new. I should write a book about that.

A Cut Below: A Celebration of B Horror Movies, 1950s – 1980s is scheduled for release by McFarland Books™ on August 2, 2023. Pre-order it here. And while you do that instead of ready anymore of my shocking lack of insight (see below), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be better with smuggled beer… 

DARK NATURE / Release pending May 2023 (Select Theaters, VOD)

“Joy, a survivor of an abusive relationship, joins her friend Carmen and her therapy group on an isolated weekend retreat in the Canadian Rockies. Led by the enigmatic Dr. Dunnley, whose methods are experimental and, at times, dubious from Joy’s outside perspective, the experience eventually shatters the border between reality and delusion. Joy begins to suspect that they are being stalked by her abuser, when in truth, the entire group will be forced to confront a monstrous entity more terrifying than the ghosts of their pasts.”

Probably a bear.

FOLLOW HER / June 2, 2023 (VOD)

Struggling actress and live-streamer Jess Peters, known to her online followers as J-PEEPS, has finally found her hook: Secretly filming creepy interactions she encounters via online job listings, and using the kinks of others to fuel her streaming success. For her next episode, she’s been hired to write the ending of a screenplay in a remote, lavish cabin. Once there, Tom, the alluring self-proclaimed screenwriter, hands her a script in which the two of them are the main characters. This client isn’t what he seems, and even though the money’s great, the real payment here could cost her life.”

I do a lot of live streaming myself — in the bathroom. Turns out I’m not an influencer as everybody does the same thing. So much for parlaying that into a source of passive income.

IT LIVES INSIDE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“An Indian-American teenager struggling with her cultural identity has a falling out with her former best friend and, in the process, unwittingly releases a demonic entity that grows stronger by feeding on her loneliness.”

Call it what it is — a demonic entity that grows stronger by feeding on loneliness = social media.

THE CAREGIVER / Release pending 2023 (VOD)
“Running away from her abusive stepfather, Emma decided to go to the city. She takes a job as a caregiver to Mrs. Belov, a senile old woman. Strange things start happening in the house and she begins to hear unusual sounds from the basement. What Emma doesn’t know is that the house hides a terrifying secret. Emma will do the impossible to get out of that house of hell.”

It wasn’t the basement Emma was hearing unusual sounds, it was the bathroom. And the sounds weren’t all that unusual. Unless you were in the “water closets” designated as the Tug Tavern’s restrooms. The sounds emanating from there were not of this Earth.

Monster Brawl, Bedeviled Bluff, Sentient Body Parts

More teaser art for the upcoming six episode anime series Gamera: Rebirth on Netflix™ (sometime in 2023), with character posters depicting the kaiju ninja turtle swapping mutant DNA with long time nemesis Gyaos and that space oddity, Jiger. In total, the series states simply that Gam-Gam will get into a skirmish with five kaiju in all. Sounds like WWE’s™ Royal Rumble, but using buildings instead of folding metal chairs.

We all know Gyaos is an anvil-headed winged asshat who’ve been testing Gamera’s resolve since 1967. Gyaos is not only its birth name, but the name of an entire species of winged asshats. Jiger, in case it slipped your mind, is a mega-dinosaur kept out of commission by the Devil’s Whistle, a statue of unknown origins on Wester Island in the Pacific Ocean. Jiger’s powers — other than he’s a she — include jet propulsion (jets in the back of her hairdo), magnetium beam (can shoot curved beams out of the corner of her head so it doesn’t smear her lipstick), and shooting quills, not unlike a punk rock porcupine. 

Other old school kaiju from Gamera’s hit list could be Barugon (giant lizard with a unicorn horn, rainbow death ray that shoots out of it, extendo tongue), Viras (land squid with a spear head, able to swim and fly), Guiron (fat gator reptile, head shaped like a steak knife, can shoot shurikens stored in two indents on the side of his head, teeth 60 times sharper than a Mecha Piranha), and Zigra (alien space parrot, has a snack-pak variety of emitting beams — Cell Activity Suspension Beam, Fourth Dimensional Beam, Earthquake-Inducing Beam, Tri-Color Ray Blast — and can launch a nuclear weapon out of its mouth). All solid ingredients to make turtle soup.

So while we re-watch all the Gamera movies (there are 12), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you emit multi-colored beams out of your orifices…

THE BURIAL / Out now (VOD)
“When Molly’s boyfriend gets a phone call from his estranged brother, she thinks nothing of joining him on an impromptu family reunion at a remote cabin. However, she soon finds herself taking charge of a deadly situation when the trip’s true purpose is revealed and good intentions lead to a conflict with pure evil.”

Impromptu family reunions should take place at Red Robin™ or T.G.I. Fridays™. At either of those places you can get mozzarella sticks. At remote cabins in the woods, all you can get is sticks.

THE CURSE OF WOLF MOUNTAIN / May 2023 (VOD)

“AJ begins having vivid dreams of his parents’ death. He decides to go back to the spot where they were killed, 20 years ago, accompanied by his brother and his brother’s family. But legend has it there is something mysterious roaming these woods.”

The movie’s ad sheet says this one’s called Wolf Mountain. Serviceable, but boring. So they changed it after the fact to The Curse of Wolf Mountain. Just adding the word “curse” to anything makes it ominously cool. Example: The Curse of Ketchup…My Girlfriend’s Monthly Curse…Cursed Toilet Paper… Hey, this is fun!

APPENDAGE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A young fashion designer seems fine on the surface but secretly struggles with debilitating self-doubt. Soon these buried feelings begin to make Hannah physically sick and sprout into a ferocious growth on her body: The Appendage. As Hannah’s health declines, The Appendage grows more powerful and begins to fuel her anxieties, her perceived lack of talent at work, her deteriorating relationships with her boyfriend and best friend and her parents’ lack of love and understanding. At her breaking point, Hannah makes a shocking discovery: there are others out there like her.”

I remember watching an adult movie called The Appendage. It didn’t have a plot.

THE WAIT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Eladio, hunting estate keeper, takes a bribe from a veteran hunter. Weeks later, his whole life falls apart. What looked like the opportunity of a lifetime, turns into a macabre descent to hell when he finds out that his misfortune might not be entirely by chance.”

They should’ve called this, Here Comes The Bribe.

Artful Evil, Hell University, Inheriting a Monster

Fans of The Evil Dead franchise will simply soil themselves over this soil-inducing Evil Dead II poster, designed by UK artist, James Bousema. It makes you wanna buy a chainsaw and go swimming in blood.

And hey — you can buy it! Here are the details: “Limited to 175 prints, 24” x 36” inches (approx 61 x 91 cm), and hand-numbered lithograph on 300gsm GF Smith Accent uncoated paper. The poster sells for $49.00.” Totally affordable, though I have no idea what 300gsm GF Smith Accent means. Probably a British thing.

Evil Dead II (aka, Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn) came out in 1987 and is considered both a remake and a sequel of 1981’s The Evil Dead, wherein five friends travel to a cabin in the woods where they unknowingly release flesh-possessing demons. What else are they gonna do? Smoke illegal drugs and drink beer and throw the empties in the bushes? Kids back then were so reckless. And poorly dressed.

So while we weigh the pros and cons of buying the poster (click this) or go shopping for a chainsaw (click this), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be swimming in blood…

SUMMONING SYLVIA / March 31, 2023 (Limited) April 7, 2023 (VOD)

“A gay bachelor party that takes a spooky turn when sinister spirits are suddenly summoned. The warm and whimsical Larry has been kidnapped by his three best friends for a bachelor weekend getaway at a haunted house. As they sashay through the Victorian corridors, the comrades recount the house’s legend from a hundred years ago: a murderous woman named Sylvia slaughtered her son and buried him beneath the floorboards. All seems fine and spooky until Larry’s ultra-straight brother-in-law crashes the proceedings.”

If you bury anybody under the floorboards, you’re gonna go through a LOT of Frebreze™.

YOU’RE KILLING ME / April 7, 2023 (VOD)

“Eden goes to a coveted Heaven and Hell party, hoping to get a letter of recommendation to an elite university from the wealthy parents of her classmate, but the party quickly turns into a fight for her life.”

Wonder what kinds of snacks would be at a Heaven and Hell party? Angel food cake and Deviled eggs, I would imagine. I could go for both.

THE TANK / April 21, 2023 (Limited) April 25, 2023 (VOD)

“After mysteriously inheriting an abandoned coastal property, Ben and his family accidentally unleash an ancient, long-dormant creature that terrorized the entire region — including his own ancestors — for generations.”

Inheriting a free coastal property AND a long dormant creature? Score!

THE ELDERLY / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“Rosa commits suicide, which is the catalyst for the progressive physical and mental deterioration of Manuel, her elderly husband. Mario, his son, decides to bring him to live with his family, despite the fierce opposition of his new wife, who’s expecting a baby. Naia, his teenage granddaughter, is the only one who trusts Manuel, whose dementia is getting worse and worse by the day. The family’s new living situation will continue to go rapidly downhill, until it literally becomes a matter of life and death, leading to a dramatic denouement, which will take place on the hottest night of the century.

Sounds like a sitcom: Father Doesn’t Know Best.

Playground Purgatory, Horror Vegetables, Mature Mutants

There’s a famous wall painting on Dante’s live music club in downtown Portland, OR that proudly proclaims, “Keep Portland Weird.” This caught on to the point there are bumperstickers, buttons and t-shirts everywhere sporting the city’s unofficial slogan. But for really bold weirdness, one only needs to hitchhike 104 miles south to Eugene, OR where an uproar on social media over a park slide seeks to topple Portland’s innate oddity status.

In the Owen Rose Garden City Park, residents were treated Hellraiser’s Pinhead being turned into a playground slide. Predictably, this sent locals into a Karen-esque tizzy; “These liberal sh*theads have gone too far this time.” A Eugene resident angrily posted to Facebook™. “It’s clear they are trying to groom our children to be monsters. Satanic, evil monsters. They obviously want to normalize this sort of thing. And you know this abomination will just attract weirdos to our nice little town.” Another posted response: “We have to come together as a community and nip this in the bud before things get out of hand. Let’s send this horrific ‘children’s playground’ back to hell.”

If only these quick-to-mouth rabble rousers got the joke. The Pinhead slide is an amazingly realistic art piece by 3D artist and Virtual Reality sculptor Cabel Adams, who posted it on social media, deliciously punking the leaning-far-too-right residents.

This isn’t the first time Cabel struck comedy gold with his crazy 3D and Photoshop™ skills. There’s his Voorhees Island, with a “stone” Jason obelisk in the middle of Washington’s State’s Lake Crescent (or “Crescent Lake”). Then there’s the cool Thomas The Train wickedly reimagined as an evil machine, as well as his horror movie villain hot-air “balloons” floating menacingly over Oregon’s Lane County town during its annual film fest.

While we all wait for Eugene’s locals to grow a sense of humor, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not spur Oregonian condemnation… 

CHILDREN OF THE CORN / March 3, 2023 (Limited) March 21, 2023 (VOD)

“A psychopathic twelve-year-old girl in a small town in Nebraska recruits all the other children and goes on a bloody rampage, killing the corrupt adults and anyone else who opposes her. A bright high schooler who won’t go along with the plan is the town’s only hope of survival.”

For anyone keeping score, this makes 11 Children of the Corn movies, which debuted in 1984. This latest one was done in 2020 and is just now getting out to people who want more corn in their diet. 

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES: MUTANT MAYHEM / August 4, 2023 (Theaters)

“The heroes in a half-shell are back for their latest re-imagining, emerging from the sewers to defend New York from an army of fellow mutants.”

Their film debuting over 30 years ago, you can hardly call the turtles “teenage” anymore. They should call themselves Medicare Mutant Ninja Turtles. 

THE DARK ROOM / Release pending 2023 (DVD/VOD)

“An amateur photographer witnesses something while he’s developing photos that were brought to him by a pastor. The whole town is in amass panic and an active investigation is going on due to multiple decapitations in the area. The photographer is conflicted about sharing the news and the photographs he has developed.”

Developing photos? What year is this set in — 1935?

HUNT HER, KILL HER / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“During her first night on the job a lone night shift janitor finds herself in an unexpected fight for survival when she becomes the target of sinister masked intruders. As their disturbing motives become clearer, she must use her crafty instincts and barbaric violence to make it through the night alive.”

To get a coveted job as a night janitor, crafty instincts and barbaric violence should be emphasized on your resume.

The Devil’s Wristwatch, Porno Demons, Freezer Flesh

Two things immediately stand out in regards to the stunning RM 66 Flying Tourbillon watch. One is its spectacular horror rock horn skeletal mechanism design that would look perfect on Black Sabbath’s wrist or an Alien movie. Secondly, the limited-to-50 pieces, is its $1.1 million dollar price tag. If you can afford it, no more “Hey, Alexa — what time is it?”

From the website of Richard Mille, maker of the worlds most extravagant watches: “Hand gestures, perhaps the most expressive form of body language, are used for sign language, certainly, but also to convey meaning beyond words, from the social conventions of greeting – the most common of which is the handshake – to more subtle cues. But the so-called devil’s horn, where the index and pinky fingers are raised as the thumb holds down the ring and middle fingers, has a particularly colorful identity. Heir to centuries of diverse traditions, beliefs and superstitions, the horn has become a cultural, social and even political phenomenon. Today, it symbolizes kinship and inclusion, with a pinch of rebellion and darkness, and a guitar riff screeching in the background.”

“The watch is made of Grade 5 titanium, a bio-compatible, highly corrosion-resistant and remarkably rigid alloy, which enables the gear train to function effortlessly. The alloy is 90% titanium, 6% aluminum and 4% vanadium. (What, no Vibranium?) The RM66 Flying Tourbillon comes fit on a comfortable black rubber strap.” Rubber? Seriously? For the million dollar plus watch, the strap should be made out of leather milled from the regalia of Judas Priest themselves.

While we go back to looking at our phones to see what time it is to rock (answer: always), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worthy of a rock horn salute…

ARTHUR MALEDICTION / February 3, 2023 (VOD)

“Since childhood, Alex has been a big fan of the fantasy film saga Arthur and the Minimoys. So his best friends surprise him with a special present for his 18th birthday — a trip to the abandoned country house where the saga was set. What begins as a weekend adventure, quickly turns into a deadly nightmare.”

Most guys wish for naked girls on their 18th birthday. But hey, if you get turned on by an abandoned country house, it’s your birthday, so go get your kink on.

DEBBIE DOES DEMONS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“300 year old sorceress plans to unleash hell on Earth. When four friends summon Carmilla with a Ouija™ board, it’s up to Debbie to send this witch bitch back where she belongs.”

The title is a spoof on the infamous 1978 pornography movie, Debbie Does Dallas, in which high school cheerleaders use their nakedly charms to raise money to go to Texas to try out for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. They raised the money — and more — but I don’t think they ever got around to finishing their scholarly education.

GRANDMA / Pending release 2023 (VOD)

“A young woman looking for a new beginning inherits a large sum of money and uses it to buy an old bed and breakfast way out in the country, with hopes to renovate and reopen. Unbeknown to the young woman, 20 years ago it was Grandma’s Bed ‘n Breakfast, a popular place for the locals to come and eat. The food was always so delicious, but there were never any tourists around for some reason. After several out of towners came looking for their missing family members, everything pointed back to Grandma. The police found the missing tourists, along with many others, partially eaten in the freezer, but Grandma was never found, now believed to be dead after all these years.”

I liked this better when it was called Motel Hell (1980).

PEGGY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After years of torment, Peggy finally gets revenge on all those who wronged her in the past.”

Where have I heard of this plot before? I know…EVERYWHERE.

365 Days of Horror, Tramp Stamped Piranhas, Extinct Genes

Time again for Lunchmeat Magazine’s annually-anticipated Home Video Horrors calendar. Seems like it’s been a year since they put one out. I you’re a fan of Z-grade lurid horror movies that used to come out on VHS, this paints you in a must-own corner.

From Lunchmeat’s website: “Photographer Jacky Lawrence with W.T. Scot present an all-new Home Video Horrors calendar, featuring 12 brand spankin’ new photo tributes to some of the most iconic, incredible, and eye-popping VHS covers ever to stalk the horror section of the video store. The Home Video Horrors 2023 calendar is printed on high-quality, full-color semi-gloss paper. Only 250 copies will be produced, and you can pre-order yours for $19.99 over on Lunchmeat’s website now. The calendars are expected to be delivered in January 2023.”

While we watch 2022 go down in flames and re-light the torch with this 2023 horror calendar, here are a few out now horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not last a year…

THE CRETACEOUS WORLD / Out now (VOD)

The Bermuda Triangle area has always been known as the Hell of Death. Many years ago, due to the special magnetic field and ocean current environment, a “sleeping” cretaceous island emerged from the water. The island has a large number of dinosaur genes that have been extinct more than 65 million years ago. A bizarre air crash led a group of survivors to be trapped on this island.”

At around 79 million years, the Cretaceous is the longest geological period of the entire Phanerozoic. Knowing this going in made the movie that much more satisfying.

PIRANHA WOMEN / Out now (Tubi™)

“A tender tale of a tribe of sexy ladies who keep a toothy, terrifying secret beneath their bikini tops and the young woman who is slowly, surely starting to join their ribald ranks.”

Bikini-wearing women that turn into flesh-eating fish. And they say there are no new plots.

THE SCREAMING SKY (aka, CEREBOH) / Out now (VOD)

“The world has been overrun by mind-controlling aliens called Sky Beasts. Six people hide out in an abandoned building. But when one of them is exposed to the aliens, paranoia among them proves to be just as deadly as any threat from the sky.”

Sky Beasts is what I call those %@#$ seagulls that crap all over my car. (Shaking fist menacingly) “I’ll kill you, %@#$ Sky Beasts!” 

THE DOLL 3 / Out now (VOD)

“After an accident that killed both of her parents, Tara now only has a younger brother named Gian as a member of her family. However, the accident traumatized Gian, so he chose to end his life. After the suicide of her brother, Tara decides to take his favorite toy, a child-size talking doll called Bobby, to a shaman to have his spirit reborn inside it. The doll takes on a life of its own, turning into a demonic serial killer who targets any and everyone in Tara’s life that stands in his way of completely monopolizing his sister’s time.”

Looks like somebody’s been watching Child’s Play. Three times, apparently.

Poltergeist Police, Apparition Anthology, Specter Slasher

If you’ve ever watched ghost-hunting “reality” shows and thought, “Well heck — I could do that and make an idiot out off myself way better than those guys,” now you can with Ghost Stop’s™ Ghost Hunting Gear, a one-stop shop with all the equipment you need to expose real-life hauntings for what they are. (Don’t make me explain this.)

Ghost Stop™ has it all to get on Casper’s case, from EVP recorders and meters, video cameras, thermal cams, and branded backpacks to stuff it all in. And before you think this is all nonsense, the prices aren’t: the EVP Recorder is a scary $89.95, the Phasm Cam is a shocking $179.95, Ghost Stop’s™ Spirit Box Ghost Hunting Kit will spook you out of $252.80, and the Pro Ghost Hunting Kit is a spine-chilling $699.70. You could spend that money on beer and film yourself haunting various bars and/or taverns. Now THERE’S a reality show worth watching…and I would like to audition for it.

While you look to get your ghost gumshoeing on, here are a few out now horror movies that may or may not scare the easily detectable ectoplasm out of you…    

LET IT GHOST / Out now (VOD)

“This anthology film features a triplet of horror stories, starring up-and-coming actors and popular local Youtubers™. A film crew is haunted by paranormal activities; When a taxi driver takes his girlfriend to a party room to get it on, a horny ghost adds spice to the proceedings; When a wandering ghost refuses to leave a soon-to-be-gentrified mall, the tenants concoct a plan to send her off.”

Of these I would like to see how they pull off a threesome with a ghost. For starters, what would they use for lube — VapoRub™?

THE OPEN BODY / Out now (VOD)

“1909. Miguel, a young teacher, is sent to work in a small, gloomy village on the border between Spain and Portugal. There, he will start to feel a special kind of fascination for Dorinda, the wife of Turelo, who is having an extra-marital affair with Mauro. When, one icy morning, Mauro’s body is found hanging from a cherry tree, the teacher begins to suspect that his soul is still wandering around the village in search of revenge. An erudite and highly rational man, the teacher now comes face to face with a world that is no short of archaic in its ways and values. A universe that still believes in the ‘open bodies’, which are especially prone to being possessed by the spirits of the dead and who use them as a way to manifest themselves and establish a relationship with the living.”

Mauro’s soul isn’t wandering around the village in search of revenge — he’s looking to establish a relationship with a living restroom. (Apparently, there are no working toilets in the afterlife. Guess that’s why it’s called Hell.)  

DR. GIFT / Out now (VOD)

“What do you get when you combine an ’80s slasher with a haunting ghost story?”

A reason to waste $4.99 to rent it.

UFO PARANORMAL OVERLORDS / Out now (VOD)

“Why are Aliens so widespread in ancient tradition, mythology, religion and even now in our modern age? The truth can be found within the mind’s connection to other realms. We can access this ‘dark’ side of the mind and Alien connection via methods used by the ancients to access our own internal world, which is our gateway to other realms. With the use of medicinals, meditation or prayer we can access this other dimension but the pathway is multi-leveled and complex. It is the hypnagogic — the point between waking and sleeping. Within this realm we can see and experience what Carl Jung termed ‘archetypes’ which have been encountered since time immemorial, are in reality our connection to the Multiverse. Since ancient times, we have encountered what we now call ‘Aliens’ in many forms that have more than influenced our history, they may have created it.”

Accessing the mind’s dark side and Alien connections using medicinals and meditation? Who made this documentary — hippies?