Archive for Hell

Stock Market Horror, Jealous Ghosts, Cult Rentals

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 20, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Horror Equity Fund

Do you have an HEF in your investment portfolio? If not, you might consider it. Why? HEF is an acronym for Horror Equity Fund, Inc.™ (Film & Entertainment Investment Platform), a way to invest in the horror genre and to build your future on all things entertainment scary.

Horror Equity Fund

The mission statement from Marlon Schulman, Founder and CEO of Horror Equity Fund: “Today, we are experiencing a new golden era in Horror entertainment. Our model establishes a cross-collateralized, diversified portfolio that mitigates risk and subsequently increases the opportunity for the highest return on investment. HEF curates, develops, and accelerates to market projects in film, television, virtual reality, augmented reality, live presentations, publishing, video gaming, merchandising, Internet, and other transmedia categories, creating a unique portfolio of profit participation.”

“Though the commitment to Horror and Thriller entertainment is thriving, the world of Horror has lacked a community where they can find one another, participate in and profit from this popular genre. Horror Equity Fund offers those fans, content creators and investors transparency, honesty, integrity and one of the deepest creative benches in Horror.”

“Fans, Content Creators, and Investors will begin to experience the benefits of HEF and immediately participate in the Mutual Fund of Horror.”

Horror Equity Fund

Man, I can’t wait to invest, once I look under the couch cushions and relieve my virtual piggy bank of all its precious bit coins. At $100 minimum investment/$1 per share (I’ll have to go without beer for one day), this seems like a no-brainer. And if there’s anything I’m good at, it’s being a no-brainer. This is a crowd-funding venture, so check out their highly impressive website for your guide to banking on all things horror: CLICK HERE.

While you’re doing your Wizard of Wall Street thing, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi TV and movies waiting for you to invest in your couch…

Ash vs. Evil Dead

ASH vs. EVIL DEAD/SEASON 3 (February 25/Starz™)
Bruce Campbell leads the cast, reprising the role of Ash Williams; Lucy Lawless, as Ruby, devises her most diabolical plan to defeat Ash and raise Hell on earth; Ray Santiago as Pablo Simon Bolivar, forever loyal to Jefe (Ash), will realize his true destiny in the battle against evil; and Dana DeLorenzo as Kelly Maxwell, whose single goal is to kill Ruby and end the Evil Dead torment once and for all.”

A great day when you can turn on the television and see evil run wild. (Not referring to Republicans and/or politicians in general.) Ash vs. Evil Dead is incredibly gore gooshy, fun, funny and a highly addictive (for me, anyway) TV adaptation. Guess where I’ll be on February 25?

The Housemaid

THE HOUSEMAID (February 16, 2018)
Vietnam, 1953: Linh, a poor, orphaned young woman, finds employment as a housemaid in a crumbling rubber plantation presided over by the emotionally fragile French officer Sebastien Laurent. Soon, a torrid love affair develops between the two — a taboo romance that rouses the ghost of Laurent’s dead wife, who won’t rest until blood flows. Submerged in moody Gothic atmosphere, this stylish supernatural saga confronts the dark shadows of Vietnam’s colonial past while delivering heart-stopping scares.”

Great — a jealous female ghost.  Hell hath no fury, blah, blah, blah. When you’re on the receiving end of a female — back from the dead or otherwise — hellbent on jealous revenge, best to disappear yourself.

House of Demons

HOUSE OF DEMONS (February 2018)
Gwen, Matthew, Katrina, and Spencer were best friends for years, until a terrible tragedy tore them apart, and left all of them in a state of arrested development. Ten years later, they’re reunited for a destination wedding to stay together in a rented house. What they don’t know is in the late ’60s, the house was home to a Manson Family-like cult, run by Frazer, a charismatic former scientist pushing the boundaries of human consciousness. Over the course of one long night, everyone must confront their darkness or be destroyed by it.”

I wonder if when renting houses, cults pay first and last and a damage deposit, as well as having their credit history checked? (Note to cults — if you have a pet, be prepared to pay extra.)

Demon House

DEMON HOUSE (March 16, 2018)
“As mass hysteria breaks out over an alleged demonic possession in an Indiana home referred to as a ‘Portal to Hell,’ Ghost Adventures host and paranormal investigator Zak Bagans buys the house, sight unseen, over the phone. He and his crew then become the next victims of the most documented case of demonic possession in US history…the ‘House of 200 Demons.’”

200 demons living under one roof? Good luck getting in some bathroom time. And if your turn is next, keep a can of Glade™ handy. “Hell” and “smell” rhyme for a reason.

Power Women, Wormholes, Babysitting the Devil

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 14, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Year of the Woman

Whilst watching the recent Critics Choice Awards on the ‘ol viewing box (once again, I failed to make it into any category), it was refreshing to see the continued and passionate support of the #TimesUp movement, and to see those who did win awards, not squander their prime time speeches on themselves/politics/UFOs, and kept echoing the point of gender inequality. This was the best part of the show.

Year of the Woman

Kumail Nanjiani, the voice of Prismo on Adventure Time (one of the most imaginative, non-alcohol-fueled cartoon series out there), had this to say during his acceptance speech for The Big Sick/Best Comedy: “I think as men, we have been talking for centuries. It’s time for us to shut up, listen, and amplify.”

year of the Woman

In the spirit of that, and given that 2018 is clearly the Year of the Woman, I hereby lend my support and nominate as movement ambassador, Ellen Ripley from Alien (1979) and for being a take-charge role model and a kick buttock lady who kicks xenomorph buttock all over the galaxy. (Other personal candidates are Diana Prince (Wonder Woman), Natalia Romanova/Natasha Romanoff (Black Widow from Avengers/2012), Melinda May (Marvel’s Agents of Shield) and Princess Bubblegum (Adventure Time).

While everyone waits on you to chime in (and please do) with your candidates for Woman/Women of the Year (and every year), here are a few just released and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may do better with Ripley/Princess Bubblegum in the lead…

The Beyond

THE BEYOND (available now)
“Set in 2019, The Beyond chronicles the groundbreaking mission which sent astronauts — modified with advanced robotics — through a newly discovered wormhole known as the Void. When the mission returns unexpectedly, the space agency races to discover what the astronauts encountered on their first of its kind interstellar space journey.”

It’d be cool to go into space with an advanced robot. Think of all the cool slot-machine beating tips it could teach you. As wormholes go, the ones in my neighborhood could be called the Void. But I prefer their Earth names: The Poggie Tavern, The Tug Tavern, The Maha… (I could keep going into the Void if you want.)

A Demon Within

A DEMON WITHIN (available now)
“A young girl dies in 1914 after a demonic spirit preys on her family. Decades later, a skeptical doctor must stop history from repeating itself by confronting his own demons to save the life of a possessed teenager.”

Seems like everyone is getting possessed these days. Used to be everyone wanted to get married. (If you wanna know what Hell on Earth is, put a ring on it.)

House of Salem

HOUSE OF SALEM (January 23, 2018)
“A group of kidnappers become a child’s unlikely protectors after discovering they have unwittingly been set up to take part in a satanic ritual. As they begin to uncover the truth of the house they find themselves trapped, they must battle demonic forces and uncover a legacy of over a hundred years of murder in the name of the Devil.”

So criminals have to become babysitters? This sounds like a rom-com. Throw in the Devil and madcap situations ensue with hilarious results.

Wastelander

WASTELANDER (January 23, 2018)
“In a post-apocalyptic landscape, an ex-soldier wanders in search of his lost home and family. Along the way, he joins a makeshift group of survivors who convince him to lead them through the wasteland. But when a band of pillaging raiders comes after them, they must fight to survive in this cruel dystopia.”

Wonder why they always frame the future as the Earth having been Napoleon Blown Apart? My vision of the many days after tomorrow include jet-packs, pleasure-bots and self-washing hair.

Yummy Death For Dessert

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 12, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

We All Scream For Ice Cream

A bunch of socially snotty kids play a trick on Buster the Clown, a mentally-handicapped ice cream truck driver, and the clown goes down. In other words, he was made into an ice cream sandwich after the kids pop the brake on his Cheery Tyme truck and it squashes the dealer of non-room temperature treats. No word on whether or not any ice cream survived.

We All Scream For Ice Cream

It’s now 20 years later and the snotty kids have all grown up with snotty children of their own. Time for some revenge, rocky road style. Buster T. Clown, now looking like he’s been through cold storage Hell, has come back from the dead and drives his truck through eerie fog, handing out treats at midnight to kids, who have fallen into a zombie-like state and are out doing a little sleepwalking. (Hey, at least they’re getting some exercise.)

We All Scream For Ice Cream

The ice cream Buster gives them is shaped like people. Once a kid bites into it, their dad dies, dissolving into a big puddle of (wait for it) ice cream. The grown-up kids who killed Buster are themselves being eliminated, one by one, by the cold clown, melted into strawberry, vanilla and chocolate goo.

We All Scream For Ice Cream

Buster can make your car windows frost over, and when you touch him, it’s like sticking your hands in a freezer for two hours, except the effect is instantaneous. (Buster would be handy to have around if there’s any warm beer in the house.)

We All Scream For Ice Cream

Despite this, We All Scream For Ice Cream (2007) is pretty weak and a paint-by-numbers installment for the Masters of Horror series. Yeah, there’s a halfway decent face-melting scene. But it’s simply too stock to be of any social value. It’s enough to make you switch to frozen yogurt, which isn’t as yuck city as you’d think.

Fake UFOs, Horror Teens, Evil Wishing Well

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 4, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Real UFO Crash Footage

Recently pulled up Real UFO Crash Footage (Mooney Vision) on Amazon Prime™. Several things you need to know before stepping in the same pile of I.V.C. (Identified Viewing Crap) I did…

• ALL the footage is of blurry and/or shaky camera stylings.

• Lots of the material has digital UFOs flying above around or into fiery explosions that happened by way of the wrong button being pushed, high-speed left turn into a right turn cloud, or something involving gasoline and matches.

• Most footage contains mega-explosions from stock news broadcasts.

• There’s footage of falling meteors, which are nothing more than God’s marbles.

• Some footage is from the SyFy Channel™ from over a decade ago.

• While it’s true these UFOs are just that (because of the blurriness, you can’t identify what it is that’s flying/not flying), the bait on the hook here is the flying saucer on the cover.

And while you’re fuming over having bitten the hook, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be blatantly misleading…

The Open House

THE OPEN HOUSE (January 19, 2018/Netflix)
“A mother and her teenage son move into a new house and are harassed by threatening forces.”

Threatening forces could be anything — landlords, neighbors, Mothman, me…  Just need an address. (Disclaimer: I don’t really threaten anyone. However, I will make your lawn die just by standing on it.)

The Devil's Well

THE DEVIL’S WELL (January 23, 2018)
Karla Marks mysteriously vanishes while conducting a paranormal investigation with her husband into the Devil’s Well, an underground location reported to be a gateway straight into Hell, and the site of ongoing strange phenomenon. A year after her disappearance, a group of investigators go back to uncover the truth about Karla, and are faced with evil forces greater than they ever imagined.”

A well is the gateway to Hell? And here all this time I thought the portal to Purgatory was 7-Eleven™. That, or the bathroom door to the men’s room at the Maha (a bar I hang out in, and usually have a priest administer a blessing every time beer needs to be exorcised from thy bladder).

Truth or Dare

TRUTH OR DARE (April 27, 2018)
“A harmless game of ‘Truth or Dare’ among friends turns deadly when someone — or something — begins to punish those who tell a lie — or refuse the dare.”

Sounds like more dumb teen horror. Can’t wait to not watch it.

Nightflyers

NIGHTFLYERS (SyFy Channel™/2018/2019)
“Eight maverick scientists and a powerful telepath embark on an expedition to the edge of our solar system in the hopes of contacting alien life. They travel aboard The Nightflyer — a ship with a small tightknit crew and a reclusive captain. But when terrifying and violent events begin to take place they start to question each other, and surviving the journey proves harder than anyone thought.”

This looks to be a TV series, which is good, because it gives me YET ANOTHER excuse to not get off the couch. Nightflyers is based on George R.R. Martin’s 1980 supernatural novella (short book) of the same name and was actually made into a movie back in 1987. I may or may not have seen it. Hey, I have hair to comb and lawns to mow. I take that stuff seriously.

One Hell of a Heaven

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 1, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Another Heaven

Twelve cops and one handsome detective discover a dead man in an apartment. His brain is missing. Someone says, “What smells so good?” and they look in a big pot on the stove and the man’s brain is in there, cooking away as if part of some mind stew. This causes all the police officers to synchronize vomit.

Another Heaven

The clues, however, point to a female murderer, a gal so strong she could rip the skullcap off a guy and yank out his thinker noodles. Soon, guys all over the city are losing their minds. (Heh.)

Another Heaven

As the hot leads heat up, the cops discover an entity, which they cleverly dub “Something,” is hopping from one female to the next, and playing with men’s gray matter. The handsome cop discovers that this entity is from Heaven, looking to have a bit of fun here on Earth. Seems Heaven is boring, what with all the goody-goody crap going on and nobody getting drunk.

Another Heaven

So “Something,” having fallen for the handsome cop, takes over the detective’s slutty girlfriend’s body. Problem is, a human host can only sustain being invaded for short periods of time, and “Something” has to get out when the human hotel dies.

Another Heaven

But slutty girlfriend, wise to game, allows the watery entity into her hot bod in order to protect the handsome cop whom she also  loves. Then she gets in a bathtub with a hair dryer. I would’ve chosen a rubber ducky and/or squeezy sponge.

Another Heaven

Another Heaven (aka, Anaza hevun/2000) is engrossing the way picking at an open wound is fun to do. Several clever twists and unintentionally comedic dubbed dialogue (one cop to another on the crime scene: “Okay, snoop for clues…”), and you have a snappy take on the whole good/evil thing.

Mummies, Monsters, Muscles

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 23, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hercules in the Haunted World

Of the 1,000 movies starring the strongest human this side of Popeye, Hercules in the Haunted World (1961) stands out because it has flying ghost mummies, a talking rock monster, damned women, and feats of physical strength unseen since I managed to get that really tight lid off a jar of peanut butter last week…with my bare hands!

Hercules in the Haunted World

Hercules and his stylish facial hair is back from dicking around on a bunch of adventures and wants to hook up with Princess Dianara. But she doesn’t recognize him as she’s in a trance. Or on drugs. Same diff. Her only hope is for Hercules to go to Hell and bring back the Living Stone to get her to snap out of it so they can get down to getting down.

Hercules in the Haunted World

Hercules flex battles an army of flying grease mummies, throws stone pillars around like they were made of Styrofoam and punches the smirk off Lyco, the main evil dude.

Hercules in the Haunted World

I ask you — how could anyone not like a movie with all these entertaining elements, as if seeing muscle men running around in alarmingly small togas wasn’t enough?

This Genie Is A Weenie

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 17, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Wishmaster 3: Beyond The Gates of HellIf you rub the box hard enough, the Genie — or “Djinn” — pops out. (Hey, I’ve been rubbing for years and…never mind.) Wishmaster 3: Beyond The Gates of Hell (2001). second sequel to a movie that sucked genie weenie, this time involving (yawn) a college full of flawlessly pretty students looking like they belong on a tube of Clearasil™, going up against the fashioned-from-evil, squinty-eyed Djinn (yawn, the sequel). 

Wishmaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell

A supermodel-in-training chick releases the evil dude from his puzzle box condo. (Pinhead may want to have a word with the producers for totally copping his Lament Configuration.) She seems connected somehow, able to see through his eyes as he kills. Kinda like “Kill-o-Vision.” This makes her a “waker.” So the wish-granting monster needs the “waker” to make three wishes so he can open the Gates of Hell. And here all this time I thought you had to have a Costco™ card.

Wishmaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell

The Djinn isn’t even the same one from the first two movies. Heck, he only has about three minutes of on-screen time in his get-up before he morphs into a dashing young college professor with an out-dated goatee.

Wishmaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell

I’ve got some wishes: I wish they’d quit making these sequels. And I wish I’d quit being suckered by the box art.