Taking A Stab At Halloween, A Dose of Hell, Dueling Monsters

What’s better than watching people get knifed up the wazoo by Halloween’s horror icon Michael Myers? Reading about people getting knifed up the wazoo by Halloween’s horror icon Michael Myers. (I looked it up — wazoo is a real word…and you probably don’t wanna know what it means.) And few are better suited to the horror readable word than Printed In Blood™, who is offering Halloween: Illustrated, a 200+ page illustrated hardcover novel all about wazoo knifings. 

From the website: “Printed In Blood™ is VERY proud to present the ORIGINAL Halloween movie tie-in novelization, reprinted in full here for the first time in over 40 years! In addition, it has been fully illustrated throughout with nearly a hundred brand-new Illustrations created just for this release by the vector genius, Orlando ‘Mexifunk’ Arocena. This 224-page volume is bursting with both classic and gorgeous new artistic visions of the John Carpenter 1978 horror classic.”

So while everyone else except me looks up “wazoo” (click this) and orders the $50 Halloween: Illustrated novelization for $50.00 (click this), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as painful as being knifed up the wazoo…

CURSED / Out now (Spain), Release pending US 2024 (VOD)

“The lives of six girls are connected through a doll called Molly, whose existence dates back to 1976, when she appeared among the rubble of the great fire of the San Carlos orphanage in northern Spain.”

In 1989, piano pop personality Billy Joel had a Grammy™-awarded hit with “We Didn’t Start The Fire”, insisting that him and the band were non-culpable for a myriad of arson cases. So who, then, was behind the San Carlos great fire? Billy Joel.

HELLDOSE / Out now (VOD, DVD, Blu-ray)

“Accompany our hostess Larissa Anzoategui (the director herself) on an experience through several layers of Hell and vengeance as she serves up terrible and delicious taboo secrets from beyond the mortal realm in this dazzling anthology of erotic and comic indie horror that was partially inspired by the Cthulhu Mythos.”

Not seeing the point here as all taboo secrets are delicious. Taboos taste like potato chips. And like potato chips, you can’t have just one.

FOR SALE / May 7, 2024 (VOD)

“Mason McGinness has always been good at two things: selling himself, and finding ways to cheat people into buying when they shouldn’t. One day, his brazen swindling catches up with him and he finds himself fired from his job and kicked to the curb by his ex-girlfriend. Mason finds a small realty company that needs someone to sell a piece of property that is considered ‘unsellable’. The catch? It is the infamous Scarlett Clay House — a haunted property where anyone who inhabits it ends up dead. Now, with the help of a quirky psychic, Mason must find his humanity to get his life back…or die trying.”

Mason sounds like more like a bartender than a realtor.

WILD EYED AND WICKED / June 11, 2024 (VOD)

“In her attempt to strike back at the medieval creature that’s haunted her family for generations, Lily Pierce must reconnect with her estranged father, Gregory, a disgraced history professor, and learn how to draw upon a time of steel and blade when armor-clad knights rode out and dueled monsters to the death.”

Armor-clad knight riding out to duel monsters to the death is what I put on my job résumé — and was offered the night shift manager position at 7-Eleven™.

Space Plans, Evil Talk, Civil War Skinwalker

Had he not died in 1978, filmmaker Edward D. Wood, Jr. — who wrote, directed and produced what is universally called the “worst film in the history of cinema” — would’ve turned 100 years old this year. Ironically, that movie — Plan 9 From Outer Space (1957) — would outlast its critics and only add to Wood’s legacy as the movie is considered a treasured cult classic. And now, on the anniversary of Ed Wood’s birthday, Plan 9 From Outer Space is being novelized. Crossing fingers it has pictures and/or whimsical illustrations.

Here’s the plan: “Encyclopocalypse™ has announced that it will issue mass market and trade paperback editions, along with an e-book, of its Plan 9 From Outer Space novelization on October 10, 2024, which would have been Edward D. Wood Jr.’s 100th birthday. The adaptation of Wood’s famous/infamous sci-fi/horror cheapie featuring Bela Lugosi, Tor Johnson, Vampira, paper-plate flying saucers and more was written by Bret Nelson, who reveals such shocking facts as a real-life scientific explanation of Solaronite, all Plan 9 plot holes patched with meticulously crafted connective tissue, and…THE OTHER PLANS!”

A thorough investigation on my part (clicking the mouse) reveals that Plan 9 From Outer Space: The Novelization will sell for a reasonable $12.00, while the movie can be rented on Vudu.com™ for a wallet-stopping $2.00 (Or you can buy it for $4.99). U.S. preorders for the print editions and international pre-orders for the e-book are available now at Encyclopocalypse’s™ website (click here). International preorders for the paperbacks will be available soon at assorted on-line booksellers.

So while we contemplate the social implications of a Plan 10 From Outer Space, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be front-runners for the worst film in the history of cinema…

LUMBERJACK THE MONSTER / Out now Japan / Release pending 2024 (Netflix™)

“Akira Ninomiya is a remorseless lawyer who doesn’t hesitate to eliminate anyone standing in his way. One night he is brutally attacked by an assailant wearing a monster mask. Although he miraculously survives the assault, Ninomiya becomes fixated on finding the attacker and getting revenge. Meanwhile, a series of gruesome murders occur where the victims are found with their brains removed from their bodies. While police conduct an intensive investigation, Ninomiya seeks revenge against the assaulter. Who will uncover the truth first?”

This one’s from Takashi Miike, the guy who did Audition (1999), Ichi the Killer (2001), Gozu (2003), and the Dead or Alive trilogy. More fun facts: Miike has directed over 100 movies and also plays as an actor in 20+ more. His signature film style? Extreme graphic violence. Those are important ingredients when making quality movies.

SPEAK NO EVIL / September 13, 2024 (Theaters)

American couple Louise and Ben Dalton, along with their 11 year-old daughter Agnes, accept the weekend-holiday invitation of Paddy, his wife Ciara and their furtive, mute son Ant. What begins as a dream holiday soon warps into a snarled psychological nightmare.”

This is a remake of the 2022 Danish horror hit, Speak No Evil. And get this — it has the same title! What are the stinkin’ odds?

DISAPPEAR COMPLETELY / Release pending 2024 (Netflix™)

“After visiting a crime scene, an ambitious and insensitive tabloid crime photographer falls victim to a mysterious illness that makes him lose his five senses one by one.”

And those five senses would be Nonsense, Commonsense, Horse Sense, Incense, and Frankincense. Fun fact: There is a sixth sense, one where you can see ghosts. They should make a movie out of that.

A TOWN CALLED PURGATORY / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“In the haunting aftermath of the Civil War, principled Yankee lawman Beau Riffen joins forces with Cody Parnum, a tormented ex-Confederate tracker. Their quest to apprehend notorious train robbers leads them to Purgatory, a town eerily deserted. Amidst the silence, they cross paths with a lone trapper and a prisoner harboring secrets who whispers of an ancient menace. As the shadows of Purgatory tighten, an impending confrontation with Yee Naaldlooshii — The Skinwalker — beckons, testing bonds of trust and humanity in their gripping fight for survival.”

Not to be confused with 1999’s Purgatory, also set back in the dusty western days. In that one an outlaw band rides into a town that is actually Purgatory, a place between Heaven and Hell. The bible might call it Purgatory, but I call it the Tug Tavern.

Monsterverse Mania, Social Media Seance, Quiet Demon

Interest in Godzilla is at an all-time high, with a recent historic Academy Awards™ win and the impending Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire, releasing on March 29, 2024. (Yeah, I’ve pointed that out one million times.) To keep the wave going, in-demand illustrator/artist Tom Whalen has designed a fantastic GxK poster screen-printed on 24” x 36” 100C white paper with hand numbering and limited to 100 for $100. Click here to preorder for a May/June shipping date.

Elsewhere in the Monsterverse, there are FINALLY four new GxK sales sheets, bringing the total to 14. I put in a call to Monarch™ to see about getting a few more. No one picked up. Guess they’re closed or in a meeting or out to lunch. Was hoping for character posters that would include Shimo, Suko, Titan Doug and a new Titan, Parrot Frog. (He’s part of the Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire action figure toy line.)

So while we get giddier in the britches for the movie’s premier — or as I call it, LCMO: Life-Changing Momentous Occasion — here are a few out now/upcoming horror sci-fi movies that may or may not be life-changing OR a momentous occasion…

SEANCE GAMES METAXU / Out now (VOD)

“A group of famous social media stars, team up to play a popular online séance game Metaxu. Their followers grow to 666 million and join in via live stream to séance with them…breaking the Internet and opening the Gates of Hell.”

I thought the Internet was the Gates of Hell.

THE WHISPERING MAN / March 26, 2024 (VOD)

“After inheriting an ominous painting, a family soon becomes disturbed by a demonic presence known as The Whispering Man.”

This one is inspired by the Whisperer legend of Columbia and Venezuela, only there they call him El Hombre Susurrante. I have no idea what that translates to.

REBEL MOON PART II: THE SCARGIVER / April 19, 2024 (Netflix™)

“Rebel Moon — Part Two: The Scargiver continues the epic saga of Kora and the surviving warriors as they prepare to sacrifice everything, fighting alongside the brave people of Veldt, to defend a once peaceful village, a newfound homeland for those who have lost their own in the fight against the Motherworld. On the eve of their battle the warriors must face the truths of their own pasts, each revealing why they fight. As the full force of the Realm bears down on the burgeoning rebellion, unbreakable bonds are forged, heroes emerge, and legends are made.”

Like Rebel Moon — Part One: A Child of Fire, this is not an official Star Wars movie. But according to my Internet clickings, it started out as a pitch to Lucasfilm™ before George Lucas sold the company to Disney™. Still feels like a Star Wars movie in that the beleaguered good space guys are fighting YET AGAIN with the bad space guys. Amazing how they’ve managed to milk that space cow with the SAME PLOT over and over again all these decades.

LAUGH / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Peter Collymore, a retired veteran from the Afghanistan war, is fighting his greatest battle: his father and a demonic entity called Calypso.”

Which begs the question — who gives demonic entities their names? I clicked on a digital bible, did a search, and nowhere did the name Calypso pop up. However, another search led me to Calypso™, the originator of the flavored lemonade, which has evolved from four lemonade blends into over a dozen lemonade, limeade, tea and zero sugar combinations. That sounds delicious and not at all demonic.

A Cup of Future, Bloodthirsty Bowling, Cinder-hella

Flash Gordon is a sci-fi hero from 1930s and was dubbed “King of the Impossible” because of his many thwartings of his arch nemesis, Ming the Merciless. Being the space goon he is, Ming kept trying to ram his planet Mongo up Earth’s axis. But Flash G. — an alpha male athlete and fashion catalog handsome — kept serving Ming heaping portions of ass kick. He deserved that and more. Flash’s heroic exploits were made into a 1980 movie, with the soundtrack being done by Queen and the movie’s iconic logo designed by vocalist/pianist Freddy Mercury himself. And now you can drink to all of the above with the fully licensed Flash Gordon commemorative drinking glasses by PlasticMeatball.com.

The Flash Gordon™ Retro Fast Food Collector Glass set (4) 16 oz. glasses sport era-correct art depicting 1980’s Flash in a variety of action adventure poses and sells for $30.00. Other FG characters are also featured, including that smug Ming asshat. FYI: Planet Meatball™ went so far as to re-tool the classic fast food drink glass shape, mimicking the art style of the time. It’s like going back to the future. (Where have I heard that before?)

For those mentally deficit of Flash Gordon’s epic beginnings, he was created as competition to the marquee-stealing Buck Rogers and starred in 13 movie serials with titles like “Captured by Shark Men”, “Flaming Torture”, “The Destroying Ray” and the how-the-hell-is-he-gonna-get-out-of-this “In the Claws of the Tigron”. Combined running time: over four hours of edge-of-your-britches sci-fi action. And this was 87 years ago when Flash Gordon first appeared in 1936.

So while we all click this to score a set of Flash Gordon drinking glasses, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not taste as good as plastic meatballs…

THEY TURNED US INTO KILLERS / January 9, 2024 (Apple TV+™)

“Karma is drugged and assaulted by her boyfriend, BJ, which leads to her tragically committing suicide. Prior to this devastating event, she writes a letter to her best friend, Star, detailing the horrific events that unfolded that fateful night. Determined to seek revenge against those responsible, Star then hunts down BJ and his brothers, and begins to torture them one by one, while reading to them Karma’s suicide letter, before taking each of their lives.”

Don’t you just love horror movies with happy endings?

LAST NIGHT AT TERRACE LANES / January 16, 2024 (VOD)

“When a bloodthirsty cult invades a bowling alley on its final night of operation, a high schooler on a date from hell, must join forces with her survivalist dad to fend off the crazed murderers.”

Bloodthirsty cults know how to bowl? You learn something new every day, apparently. 

ABADDON’S PIT / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Dave blames himself for the death of his wife Samara. He moves to the abandoned family farm to recover. There, he connects with his cousin Gareth. When they find a bottomless pit that changes everything that enters it, they become obsessed with its secrets.”

Pointing out the obvious — the bottomless pit is a stomach that changes everything once beer enters it.

CINDERELLA’S CURSE / Release pending 2024 (Theaters)

“Cinderella meets Carrie. Cinderella will go through Hell…and no one will get out easy!”

No one gets out of Hell easy? Who would want to leave?

Wining About Horror, Annual Hell, Bigfoot TV Series

You’ve heard the term “final girl” in regards to horror movies, but may not know the reference: The “final girl” is a trope in horror films, particularly slasher films, and refers to the last girl or woman alive to confront the killer, ostensibly the one left to tell the story. (I totally knew what it meant, and yet I still copied it off the Internet.) A killer (sorry) example would be Laurie Strode in Halloween (1978), who barely escaped Michael Myers’ stab (sorry) at murdering. Fun fact: The term “final girl” was coined by Carol J. Clover in her 1992 book, Men, Women, and Chainsaws: Gender in the Modern Horror Film. 

And what chick drink should be used to celebrate not being murdered? Why, Final Girl wine, of course! Final Girl Wines, located in Los Alamos, CA, is a culmination of the wine farmer’s mutual love of horror movies and pretentious sipping juice. The approachable blends range from Petit Verdot and Pet Nat Chenin Blanc to Dolcetto and Pet Nat Rose of Dolcetto. I have no idea WTF any of that means, but their food pairing suggestions include fish tacos, red meat, meatballs, BBQ chicken pizza, lasagna, fish & chips, Smash burgers, BBQ, sausages, and chocolate cake. (My suggested pairing: drink Final Girl wine with Smash burgers because you drink alcohol to get smashed. See what I just did there?)

So while you silly wine drinkers click this to get a $20 bottle or two of Final Girl wine instead of beer (subject to Happy Hour market price), which pairs with itself and EVERY food on the planet, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not carry a cork fee…

MALAM PARA JAHANAM / Out now (Indonesia), Release pending US

“A village haunted by evil spirits is plagued with suffering three nights of hell annually.”

Only three nights? Try being married. P.S. I’m not married…but I’ve heard things. P.S.S. The title translates to Night of the Wicked. You should probably write that down. Just in case.

SCREATURE OF THE LAGOON / December 26, 2023 (VOD, DVD)

“Matt Logan, an ex-special forces soldier and known as the man who can track down anyone, is given the job of finding a military experiment-gone-wrong known as Screature. Logan leads his band of mercenaries into the woods on what might be their final mission: find Screature and return it.”

The military has to hire the military. That’s like hiring a barber to cut another barber’s hair. 

BOGGY CREEK — THE SERIES / December 26, 2023 (VOD, DVD)

Head to the legendary backwoods of Boggy Creek, Arkansas in the complete first season of Boggy Creek — The Series. Join the American Yeti Project as they investigate the strange events surround the spooky swamp and its unique denizens. You’ll encounter the Witch of Boggy Creek, the Scarecrow of Boggy Creek, and the fabled Bigfoot monster itself.”

This one’s based on The Legend of Boggy Creek, a 1972 American docudrama horror film about a Bigfoot-type creature seen/encountered in Fouke, AK since the 1940s. That makes Bigfoot around 80 years old. He doesn’t look a day over 60. Chalk that up to a healthy outdoor lifestyle.

MAYHEM! / January 5, 2024 (VOD, Theaters)

“Sam is a professional boxer about to be released from prison in France. But while on parole his past catches up with him and he is forced to flee the country. Five years later, he has rebuilt a simple life on an exotic island in Thailand with his wife and her daughter Dara, working multiple jobs to support his family and buy a piece of land to build a restaurant. As his life begins to improve, a job gone wrong puts Sam in the cross-hairs of local crime lord Narong, who retaliates with brutal violence. Crushed but still alive, Sam is left with only one purpose: to seek merciless and bone-breaking vengeance.”

Merciless bone-breaking violence. Is this a movie or a WWE™ Hell In The Cell pay-per-view?

Psycho Makers, Pyscho Santa, Psycho Dolls

Alfred Hitchcock’s studied horror classic Psycho, with its infamous shower scene that became ground zero for splatter movies, was released in 1960 and remains the most commercially successful film of his career. (Fun fact: Hitchcock personally earned in excess of $15 million from Psycho. He then swapped his rights to Psycho and his TV anthology for 150,000 shares of MCA™, making him the third largest shareholder in MCA Inc.™, and his own boss at Universal™.) So inevitably, as Hollywood has always done, if it’s successful, then milk that cow twice as hard for a sequel.

Hence, Psycho II, which came out in 1983, has a bare bones, but intriguing plot: “After 22 years of psychiatric care, Norman Bates attempts to return to a life of solitude, but the specters of his crimes — and his mother — continue to haunt him.” The film grossed $34.7 million at the box office on a budget of $5 million, and received mixed-to-positive reviews from film critics. While The Washington Post and The New York Times wiped their asinine opinions on it, Christopher John, in Ares Magazine (#15), wrote that “The real importance of Psycho II rests in its originality. Refusing to be just a blood-letting free-for-all, the picture goes to great lengths to create an entirely new story”. Now, 40 years later, there’s more to Psycho II that remains to be word barfed.

Screenwriter/director and now author, Tom Holland (Fright Night, Child’s Play, The Langoliers, Thinner) has put together his own recollections of writing and directing Psycho II. From the book’s press release: “Step behind the iconic Bates Motel’s eerie facade and delve into the mesmerizing world of film-making with the fascinating behind-the-scenes story of the making of Psycho II. From conception to release, unearth the untold story of the making of ‘the sequel that should never be made’, with recollections from director Richard Franklin, screenwriter Tom Holland and editor Andrew London. Oh Mother, What Have You Done? unveils the memories of casting, set design, and the evolution of the movie from script to screen.”

So while we all take a stab (heh) at reading Oh Mother, What Have You Done? by clicking this, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be favorable reviewed by The Washington Post and The New York Times…

MARY CHERRY CHUA / Out now (Philippines), Release pending US (VOD)

“A popular and rich high school student is carnally assaulted and murdered by a deranged school janitor. The next morning, her corpse was found on campus by some shocked fellow students. Karen has an obsession with horror stories and urban legends. She hears about the legend of Mary Cherry Chua and decides she wants to investigate what happened.”

They already told you what happened in the first sentence. Get a life.

SANTA ISN’T REAL / December 8, 2023 (VOD)

“After suffering a brutal attack on Christmas eve, Nikki, a young woman, struggles to convince her friends that the assailant was none other than Ol’ Kris Kringle. When Santa returns to terrorize the group in their remote cabin the next Christmas, Nikki and her friends must overcome disbelief as they fight to stay alive.”

Santa Claus, or “Kris Kringle” (that sounds like a heavily-salted snack treat), has been a criminal for thousands of years. Let’s start with home invasion and go from there.

YU YU HAKUSHO / December 14, 2023 (Netflix™)

Yusuke Urameshi, who spends his days getting into fights, dies in an accident while trying to protect a young child. As he grapples with the fact that he is looking down on his dead body, a woman named Botan who calls herself a guide to the spirit world relays to him the shocking truth: no one expected a delinquent like Yusuke to die performing an act of goodness, and there was no place for him in either Heaven or Hell. Thus, Yusuke is given a chance to be revived, and after passing his trial, he becomes an Underworld Detective. From there, Yusuke becomes entwined in a mystery that envelopes the human, demon and spirit worlds.”

I liked this better when it was called Constantine (2005).

BARBENHEIMER / Release pending 2024 (Amazon Prime Video™, FullMoonFeatures.com™)

“Dr. Bambi J Barbenheimer, is a brilliant scientist doll living in Dolltopia, a world of endless summers and beach parties, and her boyfriend Twink Dollman. Dr. Barbenheimer, incensed by the brutal treatment the dolls receive at the hands of human children, ventures into the real world, where she experiences humanity at its worst and, naturally, decides to build a giant nuclear bomb to take it all out. They got great looks and a super attitude! Oh, and now they’ve got the bomb.”

Building a giant nuclear bomb to take out the human world. I think they’re onto something.

Stereotypical Vampires, Fall Demons, Psychedelic Horror

The year was 1994. Murder suspect OJ Simpson, in a white Ford Bronco™, leads Los Angeles police on the world’s slowest car chase down a Southern California freeway. Netscape Navigator™, the first commercially successful web browser, made its debut— and online porn followed moments later. And the first complete Australopithecus afarensis skull was discovered in Ethopia. (Another was later found in a 7-Eleven™ dumpster in New Jersey.) But there was something as equally as significant that happened in 1994: the release of Vampires And Other Stereotypes, a horror movie about party girls, talking decapitated heads, and a giant mutant demon rat. A remarkable time to be alive. 

And now, for the first time in nearly 30 years, you can see Vampires And Other Stereotypes in all its lurid, shot-on-video gory glory as it’s being released as a special edition Blu-ray and digital set with tons of physical bonus material, on October 24, 2023. Here’s the synopsis or “plot”: “A pair of paranormal investigators are making their nightly rounds on the seedy streets of New York City when they encounter a group of party-hopping girls looking for a warehouse rave — who have also just accidentally opened a portal to Hell. What follows is a night of practical effects monster mayhem as the group tries to save themselves, and the entire planet, from a demonic invasion.”

Vampires And Other Stereotypes comes in a first-pressing only limited edition slipcase and contains, among other things, over seven hours of new bonus content. Makes you wanna jump in a white Ford Bronco™ and head down the I-405 San Diego Freeway to the closest F.Y.E. store when the DVD goes on sale. Or you could order it from Amazon.com™ here.

So while we all go on CarGurus.com™ to see if there are any white Ford Broncos™ for sale (found one — click this), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have talking decapitated heads or giant mutant demon rats…or Ford Broncos™ in ’em…

THE PUMPKIN MAN / Out now (VOD, DVD)

“Cromwell is a town whose history is intertwined with that of The Pumpkin Man, a local legend. Most people don’t believe the tales, but when Catherine Quinn discovers the missing piece of the legend, she and her friends will come face to face with the Demon of Fall..Kürbis.”

Kürbis was voted the most popular baby demon name by BabyCenter.com back in the pre-Netscape Navigator™ days. 

DANTE’S HOTEL / Release pending 2023 (Tubi™)

“When an unknown assailant preys on a haunted hotel’s patrons, an event planner teams up with a mysterious tenant who’s dark past is the key to freeing the cursed hotel.”

And in each of the hotel’s luxury suites, you get a Dante’s Inferno, or “fireplace.”

LAMPIR / Release pending 2023 (Indonesia), 2024 (US)

In the midst of busy wedding preparations, young couple Wendy and Angga decide to go to a luxurious and vintage villa with their friends to take pre-nuptial photos and relieve fatigue. However, they could never have anticipated that the villa was the nest of the female demon Mak Lampir, who plays death games in order to become the most beautiful and eternal human being. They all desperately want to escape from the villa, but it doesn’t go that easily because only one person can get out safely and they are all trapped in the circle of death created by Mak Lampir.”

Mak Lampir — trying to become the most beautiful and eternal human being — was literally made for social media.

THE TRIP / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“The Trip is a 2023 American psychedelic horror film about four childhood friends who take a weekend trip to a rural farmhouse in Pennsylvania. Expecting a relaxing weekend of excess, the group soon comes to find out, that the house has something else planned. It was fun…until it wasn’t.”

This is described as being “one part haunted house story, one part slasher film with just a dash of hallucinogenic drugs.” Sounds like a typical weekend.

Door-To-Door Aliens, Hellish Relationships, Apocalypse Pending

Ring™, makers of the popular security door camera, takes the crown for this year’s best Halloween promotion with Ring’s™ Million Dollar Search for Extraterrestrials. Finally, a big payday for capturing Ring™ footage of those space-y porch pirates.

Your task: “Between October 4 and November 3, 2023, remain vigilant for any Extraterrestrial sighting (as defined in the Official Rules) on your indoor or outdoor Ring™ device. If you capture an Extraterrestrial sighting on your Ring™ device, download and save the clip from the Ring™ app to your phone. Upload your Scientific Evidence of the Extraterrestrial (as defined in the Official Rules) via the submission form.”

“If no real Extraterrestrials stop by your house this Halloween season, don’t worry! We’re giving away ‘Out of this World’ prizes to the most creative submissions that do not qualify for the Grand Prize. Show us your best Extraterrestrial costumes, accessories, makeup, props, or other artificial means and you may be eligible to win a $500 Amazon gift card for your extraordinary creativity.”

To get in on the action, click here to sign up/enter. While you do just that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not ring your doorbell…

30 COINS / October 23, 2023 (HBO Max™ Europe), Release pending (HBO Max™ US)

“Most residents of Pedraza, a remote town in Spain plagued by inexplicable, demonic events, have lost their minds and are confined to a psychiatric hospital. Elena lies comatose in a Madrid hospital bed; Paco, shattered by remorse, tries to take care of her. As horror intensifies around them, our group of heroes must face a mysterious new enemy — someone so perverse that even the devil fears him.”

Sounds like they just met my bartender.

COURTNEY GETS POSSESSED / November 3, 2023 (VOD)

“A bumbling wedding party must battle the forces of Hell when a bride becomes possessed by the Devil (her ex-boyfriend) the night before her wedding.”

She probably should’ve told her fiance she used to knock pitchforks with Satan. 

LEAVE THE WORLD BEHIND / DECEMBER 8, 2023 (Netflix™)

“A family vacation on Long Island is interrupted by two strangers bearing news of a mysterious blackout. As the threat grows more imminent, both families must decide how best to survive the potential crisis, all while grappling with their own place in this collapsing world.”

I hate blackouts — you end up watching TV in the dark.

BARK / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

Nolan Bentley wakes up one morning tied to a tree, hands behind his back, with neither water nor food at his disposal. After suffering starvation and hunger for a few days, a passing outdoorsman pitches a tent right next to him and strikes up a conversation. As their discussion progresses, it becomes clear to Nolan that the man has no intention of saving him. What’s unclear, though, are his reasons for choosing not to intervene.”

This isn’t a movie, it’s a frat hazing.

Anniversary Puke, Climate Cremation, Yesterday’s Aliens

Dubbed “the scariest movie of all time”, The Exorcist came out in 1973 and featured religion-gone-wild, peeing on the carpet, Longshoremen-grade salty language, a Christian symbol (you know the one) used as a personal comfort device, 360° head-twirling and, best of all, power barfing, which was probably caused by all that twirling. (If you’ve ever been on the devilish Zipper carnival ride at the Puyallup Fair, you know the level of liquid laughing I’m talking about.)

Now, five decades later, The Exorcist is returning to the big screen to commemorate its 50th Anniversary. From Fathom Events™ press release: “Were is giving people the chance to see one of the all-time great horror classics on the big screen this October. Fathom has teamed up with Warner Bros.™ for a re-release of director William Friedkin’s The Exorcist in honor of its 50th anniversary. The Exorcist will screen in theaters across the country on Sunday, October 1 and Wednesday, October 4 as part of Fathom’s annual Fright Fest lineup. It should also be noted that this is the extended director’s cut of the film, which contains about 12 minutes of additional footage that was not in the original theatrical cut. The only catch is that this is being limited to a two-night event, so those who wish to get in on the demon-y goodness will have a limited window to do so.”

Limited window. Interesting choice of words given that in the climax of the movie, evil evictor Father Karras, tricking the Devil into possessing his church-y self, does a freestyle gainer out a five-story window onto the agnostic cement stairs/sidewalk below. Zero sum game for Heaven and Hell.

So while we all click here to see where The Exorcist is playing, here are a few upcoming horror/sc-fi movies that may or may not may you wanna blow Christian groceries…  

ACID / September 20, 2023 (VOD)

“In the middle of a heat wave, an ominous cloud appears and with it, a lethal acid rain. A separated family will have to come together to escape this plague ravaging the world.”

A made-in-France apocalyptic weather disaster movie. Lots of running, screaming, burning, faulty parapluies (French umbrellas), and readable English sub-titles describing all of the above.

ENCOUNTERS / September 27, 2023 (Netflix™)

“Strange lights in the sky over small-town Texas; submersible space crafts haunting a coastal Welsh village; an alien encounter with schoolchildren in Zimbabwe and non-human intelligence reportedly interfering with a nuclear power plant in Japan. Told from the perspective of firsthand experiencers in the places where the sightings occurred and guided by scientists and military personnel, the series highlights the profoundly human impact of these encounters on lives, families, and communities. It comes as explosive new revelations emerge from military whistle-blowers of alien encounters, UFOs, and clandestine Pentagon programs, as well as coverage from major news sources, which have breathed a fresh urgency into a topic that, for decades, has been relegated to the realm of conspiracy.”

A bit behind the “extraterrestrials are here” curve — every single one of these talking points has been on YouTube™ for light years.

TOTALLY KILLER / October 6, 2023 (Amazon Prime™)

“Thirty-five years after the shocking murder of three teens, the infamous ‘Sweet Sixteen Killer’ returns on Halloween night to claim a fourth victim. Seventeen-year-old Jamie ignores her overprotective mom’s warning and comes face-to-face with the masked maniac and, on the run for her life, accidentally time-travels to 1987, the year of the original killings. Forced to navigate the unfamiliar and outrageous culture of the 1980s, Jamie teams up with her teen mom to take down the killer once and for all, before she’s stuck in the past forever. ”

Sounds like Hot Tub Time Machine (2010), but more murder-y. This one stars Sabrina, the bewitching star of the witch-y Chilling Adventures of Sabrina.

BLOODTHIRST / October 31, 2023 (VOD)

“After the apocalypse, only two tribes remain: desperate humans and the roving vampires that feed on them. Across the desolate West, John Shepard seeks the aging head vampire, hoping to destroy him and free mankind. But when Shepard and his posse of native sons and farmers’ daughters joins forces with a local militia, they learn that they’re closer to the Master than they think.”

Humans versus vampires. You don’t need Vegas to know what those odds are. And for one team, it SUCKS. Comedy gold, right there.

Fiendish Clothes, Dog Man, Prophecy Twins

The Misfits, heavy ghoul rock/punk icons, have one of the world’s most recognizable band mascots: the Fiend, a grinning skull with teeth needing a good orthodontist. So hauntingly cool is this striking image, it transcended the band itself and ubiquitously shows up in pop culture like Bettie Page, Mr. Clean and Godzilla. And now, thanks to FrightRags.com, you can get the all-purpose Fiend on a new line of licensed shirts parodying A Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, and more.

So where did this Fiend face come from, which is more recognizable than the band’s music? It’s actually a mask and cloak worn by the murder-y criminal in The Crimson Ghost, a 1930s film serial. (The Crimson Ghost’s costume is called one of the single greatest menaces in serial history.)

Misfits singer Glenn Danzig appropriated the Ghost’s face in 1979 — without license — thereby igniting punk rock’s longest-running legal battle royales. But not with Crimson Ghost owners Republic Pictures™, but between Glenn Danzig and original Misfits bassist, Jerry Only. Both claimed ownership when the band split, and duked it out in the courts for years before tenuously agreeing to share the band name and never-ending merch bounty. Curiously, Republic Pictures™ never pursued legal avenues over the appropriated image, which means Danzig and Co. stole it and have made — and continues to make — millions off it. Apparently, crime pays.

So while we click here to get the new Misfits horror movie shirts (sales of which further line the black leather pockets of Danzig/Only), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be lyrically inspirational for a heavily-worded lawsuit…

ALL FUN AND GAMES / September 1, 2023 (VOD)

“All Fun and Games explores the elements of cruelty inherent in children’s games – Flashlight Tag, Hangman, Hide & Seek – and what happens when the games go too far. When a group of teens find a cursed knife in the woods, they unleash a malevolent demon that will not rest until it’s claimed all of their lives and souls in a terrifying deathmatch.”

Sounds like one or more of them will soon be playing Kick The Can.

SHADOW ISLAND / September 8, 2023 (Select Theaters, VOD)

David, an aspiring meteorologist, follows his late father’s footsteps. After stumbling upon what’s left of his father’s work, David sets off to a desert island in the Barents Sea — the one place which may hold the truth about his father’s passing. Confronted by strange lights in the dark, eerie radio disturbances, and a hidden cave, David begins to question whether or not he’s really alone on the island. Suddenly, a female voice calls out over the otherwise silent radio — a stranger trying to reach David. Little does he know, his search for truth is about to descend into a much larger conspiracy.”

Did some poking around on Barents Sea (located off the northern coasts of Norway and Russia), named after the historical Dutch navigator Willem Barentsz. Does not ring a bell. But this does: Barents Sea is “among the most polluted places on Earth” due to accumulated marine garbage, decades of Soviet nuclear tests, radioactive waste dumping and industrial pollution. So strange lights, eerie radio disturbances and possibly a bear in the hidden cave is the least of David’s worries.

GOOD BOY / September 8, 2023 (VOD)

“Sigrid thinks she’s met her perfect match with the charming and handsome Christian. But there is one catch — he lives with a man who acts like his pet dog. Trying to be open-minded, Sigrid continues the relationship but soon notices an insidious under-tone to Christian. Maybe ‘puppy play’ isn’t as innocent as it seems.”

Thought this was one of those weirdo fetish movies until I saw the trailer. The reviews nail it: “Twisted, unsettling and gleefully f*cked up.” 

DELIVER US / September 29, 2023 (Theaters, VOD)

“When a nun in a remote convent claims immaculate conception, the Vatican sends a team of priests to investigate, concerned about an ancient prophecy that a woman will give birth to twin boys: one the Messiah, the other the Anti-Christ.”

So Jesus and Lucifer are twins? How the Hell am I supposed to tell who’s who before deciding on doing something fun/really fun?