Space-y Rock, Psychedelic Multiverse, Carnal Classics

So this is a whole new level cool — artist Todd Alcott has mashed up rock ‘n roll with science fiction in a pulp fiction book cover style as paintings, the first one being “Black Hole Sun,” Soundgarden’s massive hit from their Superunknown album in 1994. The art depicts singer Chris Cornell in a space suit with the Universe bearing down on him. Maybe I should get a space suit as I’m always feeling like the Universe is bearing down on me.

Another of Todd’s excellent mashups is The Police’s “Every Breath You Take,” which is often difficult in outer space. That song came out in 1983 from the multi-platinum selling Synchronicity. The art shows Sting (real name: Gordon Sumner, which is kinda boring) trying to escape the all-seeing eye, which is funny as that’s what the law — or police — is always watching every move we make or any bail bond we break. Heh. He mashed up other musical acts as well — Elvis Costello, Dolly Parton, Talking Heads, Devo — but those aren’t given the sci-fi treatment, so I shan’t be discussing it further.

Both giclee (pronounced /ʒiːˈkleɪ/ zhee-KLAY) prints come in three sizes — 11×17 ($40), 18×24 ($55) and $24×46 ($85). So yeah, a nifty addition to any rock/sci-fi/pulp-fiction fan’s collections. (Buy ‘em here.) And while you’re trying to pronounce giclee correctly, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as boring as Sting’s non-rock name… 

INTERFACE / March 28, 2023 (VOD)

“After tragically losing their father, two sisters track down an Interface Machine across the multiverse that will enable them to go into estranged mother’s mind and bring her back from a coma.”

You don’t need an expensive Interface Machine with a 40-page instruction manual. All you need is Electric Ladyland, Jimi Hendrix’s psychedelic rock metal (1968 masterpiece — play it loud and the metaverse will appear all around you.

LEDA / APRIL 11, 2023 (VOD)

“Young newlywed Leda is haunted by strange visions in this hypnotic tale that transports ancient myth to the dark forests and deep lakes surrounding a 19th century mansion. As her tragic past slowly unfolds, Leda begins to lose touch with time and reality. What seems to be a dream-like world spirals into a realm where nightmares and memories bleed together, invoking poetry and horror in a fable of birth, death, and otherworldly desires.”

Losing touch with time and reality, spiraling into a realm where nightmares and memories bleed together. You already know what I’m gonna say — Leda’s been hittin’ Happy Hour at the Tug Tavern. Sometimes I can’t help myself. Or more often than not.

FROM BLACK / APRIL 28, 2023 (SHUDDER™)

“Cora, a recovering drug addict, desperate for closure and saddled by crushing guilt after the disappearance of her young son, is presented with a bizarre offer to learn the truth about what happened and set things right — if she is willing to pay a terrifying price.”

If you’re a drug addict, you’re already paying a terrifying price.

WE KILL FOR LOVE / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“This documentary goes in search of the lost and misunderstood world of the direct-to-video erotic thriller, an American film genre that once dominated late-night cable television and the shelves of neighborhood video stores. Balancing film art with scholarship, We Kill For Love pulls back the curtain to reveal the heart and soul of a forgotten and often maligned film movement.”

Erotic thriller is just a fancy way of saying the girls who star in ’em do so topless and more often than not, bottomless, which is how I like my adult beverages.

Poltergeist Police, Apparition Anthology, Specter Slasher

If you’ve ever watched ghost-hunting “reality” shows and thought, “Well heck — I could do that and make an idiot out off myself way better than those guys,” now you can with Ghost Stop’s™ Ghost Hunting Gear, a one-stop shop with all the equipment you need to expose real-life hauntings for what they are. (Don’t make me explain this.)

Ghost Stop™ has it all to get on Casper’s case, from EVP recorders and meters, video cameras, thermal cams, and branded backpacks to stuff it all in. And before you think this is all nonsense, the prices aren’t: the EVP Recorder is a scary $89.95, the Phasm Cam is a shocking $179.95, Ghost Stop’s™ Spirit Box Ghost Hunting Kit will spook you out of $252.80, and the Pro Ghost Hunting Kit is a spine-chilling $699.70. You could spend that money on beer and film yourself haunting various bars and/or taverns. Now THERE’S a reality show worth watching…and I would like to audition for it.

While you look to get your ghost gumshoeing on, here are a few out now horror movies that may or may not scare the easily detectable ectoplasm out of you…    

LET IT GHOST / Out now (VOD)

“This anthology film features a triplet of horror stories, starring up-and-coming actors and popular local Youtubers™. A film crew is haunted by paranormal activities; When a taxi driver takes his girlfriend to a party room to get it on, a horny ghost adds spice to the proceedings; When a wandering ghost refuses to leave a soon-to-be-gentrified mall, the tenants concoct a plan to send her off.”

Of these I would like to see how they pull off a threesome with a ghost. For starters, what would they use for lube — VapoRub™?

THE OPEN BODY / Out now (VOD)

“1909. Miguel, a young teacher, is sent to work in a small, gloomy village on the border between Spain and Portugal. There, he will start to feel a special kind of fascination for Dorinda, the wife of Turelo, who is having an extra-marital affair with Mauro. When, one icy morning, Mauro’s body is found hanging from a cherry tree, the teacher begins to suspect that his soul is still wandering around the village in search of revenge. An erudite and highly rational man, the teacher now comes face to face with a world that is no short of archaic in its ways and values. A universe that still believes in the ‘open bodies’, which are especially prone to being possessed by the spirits of the dead and who use them as a way to manifest themselves and establish a relationship with the living.”

Mauro’s soul isn’t wandering around the village in search of revenge — he’s looking to establish a relationship with a living restroom. (Apparently, there are no working toilets in the afterlife. Guess that’s why it’s called Hell.)  

DR. GIFT / Out now (VOD)

“What do you get when you combine an ’80s slasher with a haunting ghost story?”

A reason to waste $4.99 to rent it.

UFO PARANORMAL OVERLORDS / Out now (VOD)

“Why are Aliens so widespread in ancient tradition, mythology, religion and even now in our modern age? The truth can be found within the mind’s connection to other realms. We can access this ‘dark’ side of the mind and Alien connection via methods used by the ancients to access our own internal world, which is our gateway to other realms. With the use of medicinals, meditation or prayer we can access this other dimension but the pathway is multi-leveled and complex. It is the hypnagogic — the point between waking and sleeping. Within this realm we can see and experience what Carl Jung termed ‘archetypes’ which have been encountered since time immemorial, are in reality our connection to the Multiverse. Since ancient times, we have encountered what we now call ‘Aliens’ in many forms that have more than influenced our history, they may have created it.”

Accessing the mind’s dark side and Alien connections using medicinals and meditation? Who made this documentary — hippies?

Pre-Teen Vampires, Evil Again, Alternate Worlds

Vampire fans will be thrilled to the jugular that Let The Right One In, the stunning 2008 Hall of Fame vamp classic, is now a series on Showtime™, premiering October 7, 2022. You’ll have to hit up Dracula for his password — or pay subscribe — to watch it. Here’s the series’ premise…

“Mark and his daughter Eleanor’s lives were changed forever 10 years earlier when she was turned into a vampire. Seemingly frozen in time at the age of 12, Eleanor has lived a closed-in life, able to go out only at night, while her father does his best to provide her with the human blood she needs to stay alive. Now they’ve returned home to New York City, desperate to find a cure.”

I’m in, especially after watching the trailer, which teases additional vampires sucking up some action. And looking forward to seeing Demián Bichir as the dad. He was power-mad Apex CEO Walter Simmons in Godzilla vs Kong (2021). Too bad Mecha-Godzilla permanently laid him off. (Oh, crap — that was a spoiler; sorry to anyone reading this who hasn’t seen GvK. On that note, why haven’t you seen GvK? What is wrong with you?)

Until you can figure out how to skate around Let The Right One In series without coughing up a coin purse-squeezing $10.99 a month (with 7-day free trial), here are a few upcoming horror movies that you may or may not let in…

DEVIL’S WORKSHOP / September 20, 2022 VOD

Struggling actor Clayton is desperate for a role as a demonologist. He contacts Eliza, an expert in devil lore, to help him prepare and spends the weekend at her home. Eliza forces Clayton to confront his troubling past, perform dark rituals, and sacrifice a goat. Does she want to help Clayton, seduce him — or destroy him? The shocking climax will set your soul ablaze.”

A couple ’o things: Aren’t all struggling actors desperate and have troubling pasts? Aren’t all chicks experts in devil lore and goat sacrifice? Has any horror movie’s “shocking” climax ever set your soul ablaze? Not seeing a reason to waste valuable horizontal couch time on this one.

AMONG THE LIVING / October 4, 2022 (VOD) November 8, 2022 (Blu-ray)

“Stranded in the countryside in the aftermath of a deadly outbreak, older brother Harry fights to protect his younger sister, Lily, while he desperately searches to find refuge with their father. Harry and Lily are determined to survive their journey as they strive to avoid an infected population with a thirst for blood as well as the greater threat of other survivors.”

Why is it in every zombie movie people embark on a journey with the undead just waiting for the restaurant to open? Why not hole up in the nearest Motel 6™, raid the mini bar and crank the tunes until the Apocalypse is over? And as if it needs to be said a’loud, is this not the same plot as 99% of all zombie movies ever made in the history of the Multiverse?

SATANIC HISPANICS / Release pending 2022/2023

“When police raid a house in El Paso, they find it full of dead Latinos  — and only one survivor. He’s known as The Traveler. When they take him to the station for questioning, he tells them those lands are full of magic and talks about the horrors he’s encountered in his long time on this earth, about portals to other worlds, mythical creatures, demons, and the undead.”

Before you call Satanic Hispanics title blatantly racist, know that this anthology was made by five different Latino filmmakers. Conversely, if this horror omnibus was made by Republicans…

SINPHONY: A CLUBHOUSE HORROR ANTHOLOGY / October 21, 2022 (VOD)

“SINPHONY’s shocking stories include an innkeeper’s growing concern about his secretive new guests; a contractor who inhales mold spores that lead to murder; a couple confronting the fact that one of them is a ghost; a witch protecting her child from a killer; a dance craze that has dire consequences, and much more.”

They had me up until “dance craze with dire consequences.” ALL dance crazes have dire consequences. Case in point — where did all those “Macarena” idiots end up? Stick to the timeless “Chicken Dance” and you’ll be fine.

A Slew of Superheroes, Devil Sex, Heavy Metal Babysitters

The ratings winning CW Network is heavily pushing Elseworlds, a crossover event that takes place on December 9, 2018 on The Flash, continuing on December 10, 2018 on Arrow (as in Green Arrow), and concluding on December 11, 2018 on Supergirl. I know what I’ll be doing for three days in December.

This one’s gonna be epic as it finally introduces Lois Lane (Superman’s “friends with benefits”), Batgirl (insert excited slobbering here), and the returning John Wesley Shipp, who played Jay Garrick in The Flash as a multiverse speedster. He seems nice.

Here’s the upsell: The Flash and Arrow switch pants. Then they change their clothes again — as does Superman — to all black. (I’ve been doing that for years.) And just when you think it could be any more mind-bending, John Wesley Shipp appears as The Flash in his old costume from when he played the Flash back in the 1990 TV series and will be called Barry Allen. My mind is a fried egg right now.

In the new Flash series, Shipp played Henry Allen, Barry’s dad, and was killed by Flash nemesis, Zoom. (Weird to have a metahuman named after a breakfast cereal.) Now he’s back to play the Flash like he did before his hair turned grey.

There’s lots more happening in Elseworlds, so don’t think of any of this as spoilers, but rather Fritos™ and bean dip before the big dinner. But before you go to the store to stock up on Fritos™ and bean dip, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not give you grey hair…

LUCIFERINA (November 20, 2018/DVD | December 4, 2018 / Digital HD)
“Natalia is a 19-year-old who reluctantly returns home to say goodbye to her dying father. But when she meets up with her sister and her friends, she decides instead to travel the jungle in search of a mystical plant. Instead of pleasure, they find a world of Black Masses, strange pregnancies, bloody deaths and perhaps, a sexually violent clash with the Devil himself.”

A sexually violent clash with the Devil. That’s a lot to unpack. Think this one came out last March, 2108 in some country that is foreign to me. But hey, Devil sex, magic plants, black masses — no doubt you could find those things in any civilized country/bowling alley.

GHOST IN THE GRAVEYARD (2018/2019)
A small town comes under the thumb of Martha, a vengeful ghost who returns to haunt the children who witnessed her death during a game of Ghost in the Graveyard in their youth. Long blamed for the accident, Sally Sullivan must figure out why Martha has returned and how to get her to rest in peace for good. As the mystery of her return unravels, deep secrets are revealed that will have consequences for everyone involved.”

Back from the dead, revenge, murder, blah, blah, bah. This premise is so overdone, it’s like dry meatloaf — and there’s not enough ketchup in the world to make it taste any better. For a slightly better version, try Darkness Falls (2003). That one has a teen in it.

SHED OF THE DEAD (2019)
Trevor is between jobs. He spends his days avoiding his nagging wife by hiding out in his allotment shed and painting figurines for his war-games with his agoraphobic friend, Graham, and dreaming of his heroic alter-ego, the battle mage Casimir the Destroyer. When Mr. Parsons, one of the other allotment tenants, petitions to have Trevor removed from his disgrace of a plot (he’s not there to grow stuff!) an argument ensues that leaves Trevor with a corpse to hide. Unfortunately, this untimely accident coincides with the zombie apocalypse and Mr Parsons’ return is just the beginnings of Trevor’s problems. More pressing is whether or not he should try and save his wife and her beautiful best friend, who both he and Graham have a thing for.

Yeow, what a hot mess of a plot. Only thing missing is dry meatloaf.

BABYSITTER MASSACRE: HEAVY METAL (in production)
“Billy Dragg breaks things off with his girlfriend and subsequently goes on a murder spree. But is he in control, or is the ghost of Viper, a dead heavy metal superstar, influencing Billy’s actions?”

Push in your stool — this will take a minute. The guy who brought us 2013’s Babysitter Massacre is not done massacring temp rental guardians. Babysitter Massacre II: Slay Bells takes place around Christmas, a few weeks after the first movie. Then follows Babysitter Massacre III: Overnight, starring a different slasher. Anything worth doing is worth overdoing, hence Babysitter Massacre: Heavy Metal. These were all funded by Kickstarter™, so don’t expect a lot of different knives or clothes. Not sure what a ghost of a heavy metal superstar has to do with changing diapers, but hey, might as well come at it with that fabled open mind people keep telling me to use.