Archive for London

Werewolf Counselor, Horror Wrestlers, Killer Clothing

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 17, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

A Nightmare on Elm Street

Bloody-Disgusting.com recently posted about JC-RT.com, an online clothing company that makes flannel shirts based on horror movie poster color schemes. There’s shirts that seasonally coordinates with The Lost Boys (1987), Alien (1979), A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) and even The Exorcist (1973). (Wonder if it’s vomit stain proof?)

The Exorcist

There’s lots more, but you should know that these long-sleeve chest warmers sell for $125.00 each, though they are running a winter sale at $75.00, a $40.00 + $10.00 savings. Check out their website HERE and whip out your bit coins.

Suspiria

As cool as this is, I won’t be buying any as I don’t wear shirts with buttons. Buttons are rules. I’m not into rules, man. And while you’re waiting for your new wardrobe to arrive in the mail, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not go with the shoes you’re wearing…

Carnivore: Werewolf of London

WEREWOLF: CARNIVORE OF LONDON (available now)
“In an effort to save their relationship, Dave takes Abi to a remote cottage. However, it soon becomes apparent that a fearsome beast is lurking in the shadows of the forest, waiting for the right moment to attack.”

Despite the title lift from An American Werewolf in London (1981), it’s nice to see werewolf movies haven’t been sucked under the tidal wave of bite-less zombie and transparent ghost movies. More than that, I’m really hoping this werewolf can help get Dave and Abi back to a good place in their relationship, however strained it may be while being on the beast’s fresh sheet.

Fly on the Wall

FLY ON THE WALL (available now)
“A young man uses a bug camera to spy on his ex-girlfriend, then witnesses her abduction.”

At least he wasn’t with her or he might’ve been abducted, too. Whew!

Mandy

MANDY (2018)
“Set in 1983, Red Miller, a broken and haunted man, hunts the unhinged religious sect who slaughtered the love of his life.”

Wait just a minute — Red’s last name is Miller and an unhinged religious sect slaughtered the love of his life? His life’s love has to be beer — Miller…beer. It’s the only thing that makes sense.

Parts Unknown

PARTS UNKNOWN (2018)
Parts Unknown is a movie that mixes the horror genre with wrestling. It is the story of how the infamous Von Strasser family, a family of unstable professional wrestlers, seek to violently reclaim their notorious status despite being blackballed by forces within the industry.”

They had me at “unstable professional wrestlers.” Love the title — it pays homage to pro wrestling Hall of Famer, George the Animal Steele (1937 — 2017), who lived in a cave, had more hair on his chest and back than his head, couldn’t speak other than a few grunts, had a green tongue and chewed the stuffing out of the tops of turnbuckles as though they were filled with cotton candy. When announcing where Steele comes from, the ring MC would always say, “from parts unknown.” Flippin’ brilliant.

Inappropriate Aliens

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 1, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Evil Aliens

The crew of a cheesy, paranormal TV show in London goes to a remote island farm in Wales to investigate the claims that a young woman and her boyfriend were abducted by aliens, where she was knocked up and returned to her home with two inbred bothers and a dad who can’t speak a lick of any language.

Evil Aliens

Even though the aliens implanted her with a space fetus with chompy teeth two weeks ago, she’s about to give birth any day now. (Her boyfriend didn’t fare so well as his business class was power probed with a drill. That must’ve pinched.)

Evil Aliens

Once at the farm, which is situated near Stonehenge-like rock structures called Devil’s Teeth, the crew go about re-enacting the abduction. Then the real aliens show up. From this point it turns into a gleeful splatterfest unlike anything you’ve seen since the genre-bending Dead Alive (1992).

There are UFOs, cattle mutilations, three-boobed female aliens, sexual intercourse (both of this Earth and not of this Earth), lots of f’n swearing, alien dogs, alien death orbs, arms, legs and heads torn off, shotgun blasts to the face, bow and arrows to the neck, death by wheat thrasher and weed whacker. And there’s not just gallons of blood, but swimming pools of it. This just keeps going on and on, and it’s freakin’ hilarious.

Evil Aliens

Evil Aliens (2005) is smart, gory and goofy, which is why I wade through miles of rancid horror movie garbage while breathing through my mouth, just so I can find ones like this.

Staged Evil, Shamed Werewolves, Flesh-Eating Spiders

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 6, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Exorcist

With the Catholic church constantly sweeping demonic possession under those “authentic” Shroud of Turin throw rugs they sell in church gift shops, it’s a rare treat to see a live person turned into swear jar cursing, green liquid spewing vessel for Satan. Outside of The Poggie Tavern, of course.

The ExorcistWith the stage adaptation of The Exorcist now playing in London at the Phoenix Theatre (lucky buggers), you get to see all of that and more for the mere pittance of anywhere from £15.00 to £75.00 plus £3.50 transaction fee. (In U.S. Benjamins: $11.47 – probably nosebleed seating to $57.37 – show-off). The transaction fee in U.S. is $2.68. Heck, you could buy a small statuette of the Devil stamped with “I’m Totally Evil” in the church gift shop for that amount. (FYI — they don’t float in the bathtub.)

The Exorcist

From the press release: “After spawning five films and a television series on FOX, William Peter Blatty’s The Exorcist is now a stage adaptation at the UK’s Phoenix Theatre, playing October 26, 2017 through March 10, 2018. Unleashed onto the West End stage for the very first time, the play is ‘a uniquely theatrical experience’ directed by award-winning film and theatre director, Sean Mathias.”

“A uniquely theatrical experience” means the first three rows are gonna get wet.

For those of us who have more pounds than £s, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth sitting in the first three rows for…

Blood Bound

BLOOD BOUND (2018)
“Bound to an ancient pact, a family of unlimited power descend upon a small rural town to sacrifice four human lives, one being a member of their own family.”

My first thought was vampires. But the same plot can be applied to any family Thanksgiving dinner.

A Hole In The Ground

A HOLE IN THE GROUND (2018)
“A young single mother is trapped between rationality and the unexplained as she becomes convinced her little boy has been transformed by something sinister from the depths of a mysterious sinkhole.”

Recalls Jug Face (2013). The storyline to that plot boiler is a jaw dropper: “Pregnant with her brother’s child, a teen tries to escape from her backwoods community after learning that she is to be sacrificed to a creature that lives in a deep pit.” There are so many things wrong with that sentence. For instance, “backwoods community”? That seems so condescending.

Slice

SLICE (2018)
“When a pizza delivery driver is murdered on the job, the city searches for someone to blame. Ghosts? Drug dealers? A disgraced werewolf?”

Kinda makes you wonder what disgraced the werewolf. Did he run past a fire hydrant without sniffing and/or peeing on it? Did he shave? Is he a vegetarian? If one or more, the death penalty would be too lenient.

Guardians of the Tomb

GUARDIANS OF THE TOMB (2018)
“A team of scientists, who while making the discovery of the century, lose a colleague in an ancient labyrinth. The group must battle their way through a swarm of deadly, man-eating funnel web spiders and discover the secret behind the arachnids’ power and intelligence — before it’s too late.”

There’s an alternate title for this one: Nest 3D. That would only work if it had words like “Giant Garbage”, “Giant Mutant Cow” or Giant Money” before the word “Nest.” Still, they reeled me in with “man-eating funnel web spiders.” That’s the kind of term you only hear in discount restaurant kitchens.

Mothman, Bigfoot, Body Wash, Bar Stools

Posted in Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 4, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Mothman of Point Pleasant

To hear other people tell it, I fell off my bar stool the other night. I prefer to frame it as the bar stool got tired of me sitting on it for six hours and decided to take its business elsewhere.

As for the falling part, there was a puddle of some sort of liquid under the chair, which was quite slippery and thus facilitated the mishap. Pretty sure it was Dove Body Wash®. That, or WD-40®. The conspiracy theorist in me leans towards it being a proportional solution made of the two popular lubes and then discreetly applied under the bar stool by, you guessed it, one of those creepy Men in Black. I hate those guys.

Speaking of falling for things, here’s four more new and upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not knock you on your ass…

THE MOTHMAN OF POINT PLEASANT (available now)
“Learn the terrifying, true story about thirteen months that changed history. In November of 1966, a car full of kids encountered a creature unlike anything they’d ever seen before. In the weeks and months to follow, the monster (now known as The Mothman) was sighted again and again on country roads and around the state of West Virginia.”

This is an intriguing documentary that covers a lot of leavings but leaves one question unanswered — who gave Mothman his cool name? I bet that person is a millionaire now because of it. So if I was offered a million bucks to name a local folklore legend monster that, to date, hasn’t killed anyone or even so much as littered the streets of Point Pleasant (hence the name), I’d have called him (or her)…Mega-Pigeon (or scientifically, Mega-Columba Livia Domestica.) The logo could look all heavy metal and probably sell a LOT of t-shirts. You really need to think about marketing strategies with a name that totally b*tchin’.

Seven Sisters

SEVEN SISTERS (2017)
“Set in a world where families are allowed only one child due to overpopulation, a resourceful set of seven identical sisters must avoid governmental execution and dangerous infighting while investigating the disappearance of one of their own.”

Dang — seven identical sisters? Never mind trying to figure out who is who, can you imagine trying to get in a some meaningful bathroom time? Forget about it. For a cool old sci-fi movie about limiting children (which I’m for, by the way), seek out the 1972 Danish-American sci-fi moving picture show, Z.P.G., which stands for Zero Population Growth. In that one you’re given robot babies instead of allowing you to make your own. Not nearly as much fun, but zero diaper changing as well. Sometimes you have to give a little to get a little.

The Dark Mile

THE DARK MILE (2017)
London couple Louise and Clare book a sailing trip in the Highlands to recover from a personal tragedy. The location may be idyllic but soon they are tormented by a black industrial barge that follows them, and by the dysfunctional folk on board.”

First, they broke the cardinal rule of using the overused/generic/weak word “dark” in the title. Secondly, if you work on a black industrial barge, you’re probably predisposed to being dysfunctional. Wonder what the pay is? I could fit right in.

The Man Who Killed Hitler And Then Hitler

THE MAN WHO KILLED HITLER AND THEN THE BIGFOOT (2018)
“Legendary American war veteran Calvin Barr who, decades after serving in WWII and assassinating Adolf Hitler, must now hunt down the fabled Bigfoot. Living a peaceful life in New England, the former veteran is contacted by the FBI and the Royal Canadian Mounted Police to lead the charge as the creature is carrying a deadly plague and is hidden deep inside the Canadian wilderness.”

A hot contender for horror movie title of the year, albeit a bit of a mouth employer. (Note to movie titlers — take “Then The” out of it. Practically leaps off the tongue and into a soulful eight-beer-in conversation. My only issue — they tell you in the movie’s name he murder-killed Bigfoot.

Hitler certainly had it coming. But Bigfoot? What’s he ever done besides throwing Mountain Doo at intrusive hikers? They go on to say Biggie carries a deadly plaque and is hidden deep inside the Canadian wilderness. If that’s true, it means he’s not planning any day trips to town any time soon, so leave him be. As for the nature of the plaque, just give him some Alka-Seltzer Plus® – Cold & Cough Liquid Gels (you gotta break ‘em open and suck out the juicy goodness) with a beer back to cleanse the palette afterward. Plague? Solved.

Global Sharks, Canadian Sharks, God’s Whoopee Cushion

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers, TV Vixens, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 2, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Drifter

Been sitting on the sidelines, listening (well, reading, actually) superhero fan boys complain their acne-terrained faces off over the new Spider-Man costume upgrades, implemented by Tony Stark/Iron Man for Spider-Man: Homecoming (July 7, 2017). The new suit has a built in computer chip that allows Spider-Man to glide like a flying squirrel, a parachute (for when the flying squirrel feature doesn’t fully deploy), collapsible (yet form-fitting) fabric, an on-board computer (ala, Iron Man), and new and improved web stuff that shoots out of his hands. (Let’s hope that’s all that shoots out of Spider-Man.)

Not sure why all the bellyaching; after countless comics and five movies with two different Spider-Guys — all using the same suit — these upgrades are not only downright awesome (I would like one, please), it’s about flippin’ time, and brings Spider-Man — a Marvel Universe linchpin — in line with all the rest of the superheroes that’ve been brilliantly contemporized (looking in your direction, Batman) for the sake of our movie bit coins. So I say to the complainers — shut up twice.

Speaking of things needing an upgrade, here are a few horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need technological assistance…or a scientifically accessorized Whoopee Cushion™.

THE DRIFTER (June 6, 2017)
“A uniquely troubled man finds himself on a downward spiral induced by painful memories of his dark and distant past. Taking refuge from his long days and nights of driving aimlessly on the open highway, he stops off in a small town, where he happens to cross paths with an old acquaintance. This acquaintance becomes dangerously intrigued and determined to discover the skeletons hiding in the drifter’s past.”

A troubled man caught in a shame spiral. Sounds like a lot of bar stool people I know. Not me; I mock shame. So is The Drifter a slasher movie? A serial killer movie? (Same difference.) A plot-weary drama trying to dress itself as a horror movie? Goin’ with that one.

Sharknado 5: Global Swarming

SHARKNADO 5: GLOBAL SWARMING (August 6, 2017)
“The mission gets personal for Fin Shepard and his bionic wife, April when their young son gets trapped in a traveling ‘nado and transported all over the world. From London to Rio, Tokyo, Rome and Amsterdam, the heroes seek assistance from royals, scholars, Olympians and news talking heads in their epic battle.”

Sharknado has officially become the bad karaoke night of “sci-fi” movies. So sharks, now the new zombie virus, are taking over the planet. And April is a bionic wife? Does that mean she nags in digital? About the only thing I do like is the kicker line: Global Swarming. That made beer shoot out my nose — and I wasn’t even drinking one when I read it.

Fighting The Sky

FIGHTING THE SKY (2017/2018)
“A group of young ufologists explore a series of apocalyptic sounds emerging from the sky. For years, all around the world, people have heard and recorded a thundering sound that emits from the sky without any origin or explanation. Even the scientists are stumped, folks, and the strange part is the media is ignoring it.”

Fighting the Sky’s premise was taken from all those YouTube™ videos of people recording unseen source apocalyptic sounds coming from the sky. It’s as if God was the world’s noisiest neighbor. Most have been proven to be fake. (Probably made with two turntables and a microphone — and a really big Whoopee Cushion™, which is right up there with the invention of the wheel in terms of civilization advancements.)

Moose Jaws

MOOSE JAWS (pending crowd-funding)
Combining a shark with a moose? Why didn’t I think of that? This one’s being made by genius wise-guy Kevin Smith, who looks to complete his “True North Trilogy,” which began with Tusk (2014) and followed up with Yoga Hosers (2016). Smith has said that the walrus/human hybrid from Tusk will appear in the film, as will the two main characters from Yoga Hosers. I just felt a pee shiver of anticipation.

Kevin’s official statement: “I love Jaws, I love Canada, and I combined the two of them. So the whole thing is beat-for-beat Jaws, up until the third act. In the third act it becomes Godzilla, Destroy All Monsters, Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan, and ends with Return of the Jedi. It’s pretty magical.”

That’s the understatement of the year. We need to give Kevin all our money right now to get this thing made.

Japanese Ghouls, Alien Chicks, Fist Puppets

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 21, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Tokyo Ghoul

A shout out congratulations to the horror channel American Horrors, who have been streaming brutal, classic/obscure and uncut slasher/serial killer movies for the last five years. Which brings up a random thought: How can slasher movies be “uncut”? Heh.

Here’s some upcoming horror and sci-fi that may or may not be pre-sliced…

TOKYO GHOUL (July 29, 2017/Japan)
Ghouls live among us, the same as normal people in every way – except their craving for human flesh. Shy Ken Kaneki is thrilled to go on a date with the beautiful Rize. But it turns out that she’s only interested in his body – eating it, that is. When a morally questionable rescue transforms him into the first half-human half-ghoul hybrid, Ken is drawn into the dark and violent world of Ghouls, which exists alongside our own.”

Sounds like Ken is ghoul-whipped. Also sounds like a zombie movie, which is what we in America call ghouls. In France they call ‘em “le Ghouls.” It’s like the French have a different word for everything.

How To Talk To Girls At Parties

HOW TO TALK TO GIRLS AT PARTIES (2017)
“Enn is a shy teenage punk rocker in 1970s suburban London along with his two closest friends, Vic and John. One night they all sneak into a party where they meet a group of intensely attractive, otherworldly girls; at first they think they’re from a cult, but eventually come to realize the girls are literally from another world — outer space.”

Aliens or not, they’re still girls, right? Not seeing the problem here. And don’t alien chicks have tentacles and suckers? That means that can hug and kiss your entire body at the same time. If that isn’t a bonus, tell me what is?

The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance

THE DARK CRYSTAL: AGE OF RESISTANCE (2017/Netflix)
The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance returns to the world of Thra with an all new adventure. When three Gelfling discover the horrifying secret behind the Skeksis’ power, they set out on an epic journey to ignite the fires of rebellion and save their world.”

A prequel to the 1982 marionette fantasy, The Dark Crystal, created by the master of Muppets, Jim Henson. 35 years is a long time to wait for a sequel to a puppet movie. The late great James Coburn, who co-starred in 1984’s The Muppets Take Manhattan, had this to say about his role (paraphrased): “I ended up playing second fiddle to a piece of green felt with a fist up its ass.” Quite possible the best summation ever on puppets.

Redwood

REDWOOD (2017)
“Musician Josh and his girlfriend Beth head out to a secluded national park in search of some clarity and relaxation. But the couple get more than they bargained for when they ignore the advice of park rangers and venture off the trail, coming face to face with the Redwood’s legendary wildlife.”

Not to be mixed and matched 2014’s The Redwood Massacre. Redwood implies the “legendary wildlife” is Bigfoot or werewolf raccoon impersonating Bigfoot. Only one of those better be right.

Bloody Hell, Sci-Fi Teens, Reverse Werewolves

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 1, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bloody Muscle Body Builder In Hell

Here’s a neat trick — when celery stalks go limp, soak ’em in water and a short time later, stiff as if you doped ‘em up with Viagra™ and just as store-bought crunchy. Better still, soak ‘em in vodka. Get drunk and healthy at the same time. Works on carrots, too! I have no doubt that’s an original idea, I’m I’m gonna patent it. So please don’t viral my pension plan.

Speaking soaking yourself in healthy alcohol, you might need some of the good stuff to get through these just released and/or upcoming horror/sci-fi movies…

BLOODY MUSCLE BODY BUILDER IN HELL (available now/UK)
“After a surprise phone call interrupts his daily workout, beefy body builder Naoto agrees to meet his photojournalist ex-girlfriend to help with her research on haunted houses. Accompanied by a professional psychic, they visit an abandoned house once owned by Naoto’s father. But inside the house a dark secret lingers and they find themselves trapped and tormented by a relentless ghost with a 30 year grudge. Bloody Muscle Body Builder invites fans of bizarro, lo-fi cinema on a far out journey…into Hell.”

While I do like the title (I’d buy the shirt), this is also aka’d as The Japanese Evil Dead. Gotta say, I dig that, too, if not as well. This came out in 2014 (in Japan) and was described as a “cross between the 1977 Japanese horror classic Hausu (House) and The Evil Dead (1981).” Kore ijō iwanai — I’m in.

So can you see it in your own hausu? Yep — just order it from AmazonUK™ [click HERE]. It’ll set you back £7.99 (free delivery in London Land if you have Amazon Prime™). This converts into $10.35 U.S. fun coupons. To have it shipped here, though, is a bit pricey as there are import fees, triple stamps with Monarch faces on ’em, probably weird packaging and extra sticky tape, etc. So figure about $400 total just to be on the safe side.

Resident Evil: Vendetta

RESIDENT EVIL: VENDETTA (June 19, 2017)
“BSAA Chris Redfield enlists the help of government agent Leon S. Kennedy and Professor Rebecca Chambers from Alexander Institute of Biotechnology to stop a death merchant with a vengeance from spreading a deadly virus in New York.”

What the stink is going on here? Did we not just have Resident Evil: The Final Chapter in 2016? (There are six RE movies in all, dating back to 2002.) As it turns out, Resident Evil: Vendetta is an animated movie, or “CG,” which obviously stands for “cartoon gunk.” Apparently, this is the third such RE animated movie. I care not for this medium. For one thing the blood looks too “illustrated.” And don’t get me started on computer-designed entrails. If you want me to watch a movie length cartoon, make It’s The Great Pumpkinhead, Charlie Brown.

Number 13

NUMBER 13 (2017)
Northern Canada, the dead of winter, and some scientists studying a wolf pack dynamics try to anesthetize and tag a wolf. The wolf awakes prematurely and attacks, but the trapped scientist bites first. This bitten wolf is infected with a disease called ‘humanity’. As the moonlight rises, this wolf is changing. When wolves chase a naked and bloody man into their camp, the scientists are shocked. This stranger can’t talk, is lost and is freezing, but from where? The first taste of danger enters the camp when the pack of wolves reappears, now fearless. Before this full moon sets, the humans will learn both the true nature of the stranger and of their own “pack dynamics”. More importantly, they will learn the true difference between wolves and humanity — the ability to lie.”

Lousy name for a reverse werewolf movie. There were Number 13’s in 2006, 2008, 2013 (looks like a sci-fi video game with “real people”), and an Alfred Hitchcock movie that was shot way the heck back before time in 1922 and never released. None of those featured reverse werewolves. (Maybe as stage hands, but certainly not actors.) So man bites dog. In the newspaper game, that’s called a lead story. Definitely an interesting premise whether you read newspapers or not. I do for the horoscopes and the funny pages. Not necessarily in that order.

Maze Runner: The Death Cure

MAZE RUNNER: THE DEATH CURE (2018)
“In the conclusion to the Maze Runner trilogy, Thomas and the surviving Gladers prepare to face off against WCKD one last time as they fight to find a cure for the deadly disease known as The Flare that has wiped out most of the world. Friendships and loyalties will be tested and the fight against WCKD will also determine who will survive in the end.”

This one’s already done and in the grocery line waiting to be checked out. Got postponed several times over reasons I don’t give an exasperated hoot about. Saw the first Maze Runner (2014), a sci-fi teen movie based on a book of all things. Did not see the sequel Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials (2015) as it had more teenagers in it. Might have to see MR: Death Cure as The Flare disease turns people, I mean teens, into sci-fi zombies. Bye-bye future teens.