Archive for England

Werewolves, Shadow People, Aquaman, Hippies

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 13, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Watcher

Pretty sure my mailman is a werewolf. I have no other proof other than I never see him at night, full moon or not. And his eyebrows seem a bit bushier than the acceptable norm. I should order silverware from Amazon.com™ and see if he’ll deliver it. My hunch is that it’ll goon him out.

Until I get the proof I need — AND I WILL — here’s some upcoming new horror/sci-fi movies to goon out over…

THE WATCHER (April 18, 2017)
“Unaware of its terrible history, a young couple purchases their dream home. But it soon becomes clear that they may not be alone in the house. And that someone — or something — is determined to drive them out.”

It’s Hippies. Hippies want them out so they can squat there rent-free and play their Grateful Dead records way too loud, pound on bongos for three days non-stop and stink up the joint because hippies are afraid of bathtubs. Easy way to get rid of hippies — introduce them to the glory of the washcloth.

Be Afraid

BE AFRAID (June 1, 2017)
“Not long after John Chambers and his family arrive at their new home in a small country town of Pennsylvania, John begins to experience sleep paralysis. Lying there paralyzed, trapped within his own nightmare, other-worldly beings visit John. They are entities which exist in the darkest shadows of the night and can only be seen out of the corner of one’s eye. These encounters begin to haunt John, transforming to complete terror as he discovers the entities’ sole purpose…the abduction of his seven year old son. In the end, John will uncover the town’s horrific secret, a portal on his land, and make one last attempt to save his son before the shadow people permanently take him away to their world.”

You don’t have to be a shadow person to have some fun with people who suffer from sleep paralysis. All you need is a magic marker, duct tape and a camera. Ask anyone whose ever came down with beer paralysis at a keggar.

Camera Obscura

CAMERA OBSCURA (June 9, 2017)
“A veteran war photographer with PTSD sees imminent deaths in his developed photos, questioning his already fragile sanity and putting the lives of those he loves in danger.”

This borrows heavily from a 1999 episode of The X-Files. It was called “Tithonus” and it had a guy who knew when you were about to die and took your picture at the point of death. That was back before smart phones with cameras built in, so he had to go home and develop the pics. Today you can snap “death selfies” and see the results instantly. Technology is pretty neat. P.S. Don’t hire this guy to photograph your wedding.

American Satan

AMERICAN SATAN (Summer, 2017)
“A group of young men hailing from the U.S. and England drop out of college and move to Hollywood’s infamous Sunset Strip to pursue their dreams of becoming a rock & roll sensation.”

Where’s the satan part? Is he one of the band members? If so, does he play guitar? And what kind of guitar is it? I bet it’s loud as…HELL. Heh.

Justic League

JUSTICE LEAGUE (November 11, 2017)
Yep, already wrote about this one, but this is a new poster. I have two questions — where’s Superman? Yeah, he croaked in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016), but just lay his Kryptonian corpse out in the sun for a while and he’ll be good as new. Not his costume, though. Big hole in the chest area. Not sure how you’d sew that up. Secondly, how can you tell if Aquaman wets his pants? I guess only clams know.

Hell Has Frozen Over – Might As Well Go Skiing

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 15, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cute Little Buggers

While the horror of 2016 has yet to be fully realized, might as well look ahead to the upcoming (movie) horrors of 2017…

CUTE LITTLE BUGGERS (2017)
“After hostile aliens crash land on local farmland, the villagers at the summer ball get suspicious when young women start going missing. The villagers soon band together to fend off the invaders and bring peace back to the sleepy English countryside.”

Why are aliens more often than not depicted as being hostile? Just because they tend to stick sharp things in our Earth orifices for the sake of science shouldn’t be taken as a signal of ill-intent between planets. If that were the case, then we might as well declare open season on proctologists. (I’m looking in your direction, Dr. “Big Finger” Lindermund.)

Hotel of the Damned

HOTEL OF THE DAMNED (December 6 / VOD)
“After a near fatal car accident, and stranded in the middle of nowhere, a group of travelers find themselves in an abandoned hotel deep in the Carpathian Mountains. Their bad luck becomes a nightmare when they discover that in the cavernous remains of the hotel live a race of sub-human cannibalistic creatures.”

A hotel for cannibalistic creatures? Cool! Looked everywhere on Expedia™ and couldn’t locate one for my upcoming vacation. I did, however, find one place that hosts such sub-humans — my apartment building.

Devil's Domain

DEVIL’S DOMAIN (2017)
Lisa Pomson is a troubled, social media-obsessed teen, conflicted with her sexuality and her parents’ misunderstanding of her. When Lisa gets secretly filmed binging, purging, and masturbating, the video goes viral; and she suffers extreme cyber-bullying. Suicidal and on the brink of insanity, a beautiful, mysterious stranger (the Devil) strikes up an online relationship with her. They grow close and meet, and the stranger offers to help in exchange for a favor: Satan will rid her of the bullies and give Lisa fame and fortune in exchange for a baby. Lisa agrees, but as the bullies die one by one, Lisa’s conscience kicks in and she regrets making the deal.”

So the Devil is online? I don’t know why this doesn’t surprise me. Then again, now that the election is done and Hell has frozen over, it makes perfect sense. (Wouldn’t it suck if you requested the Devil to friend you, and got denied? Ouch!)

Replace

REPLACE (2017)
“Young and beautiful Kira is afflicted with a strange disease where her skin ages rapidly to the point of drying out and crumbling away. When she discovers that she can replace her own skin with somebody else’s, she has to make a choice: watch her own body wither and die, or give in to temptation…whatever the price.”

A spin on The Picture of Dorian Grey (1945) and every movie starring Countess Elizabeth Bathory, who bathed in the rejuvenating broth of young, beautiful women so that she can continue looking in a mirror without breaking it. Replace begs the question — exactly how do you go about appropriating someone else’s skin for vanity purposes? I’d start by asking Texas Chain Saw Massacre’s (1974) Leatherface or those tuna-smelling, skin degloving fish people from Dagon (2001).

Don’t Cry For Werewolves

Posted in Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , on November 1, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Crying Wolf

If you live in the village of Deddington, either you’re a werewolf or about to be chewed out by one. Such is the framework for Crying Wolf, a British werewolf movie finally (after several years) releasing December 12, 2015, just in time for Christmas. Nothing says happy holidays like having your neck bit off.

Crying Wolf

So here’s the problem in Deddington: “For centuries a pack of werewolves have resided in the sleepy town. But when local girl Charlotte meets a particularly gruesome death, the village is descended upon by reporters, crazy detectives and lunatic hunters desperate to get their story, solve the crime and kill the beasts. But these wolves are smart…very smart.”

Crying Wolf

Try your hardest not to confuse Crying Wolf with the 2011 documentary of the same name. That one’s about reintroducing wolves to Yellowstone National Park, where they go around biting tourists’ necks off.

Dolls and Vomit

Posted in Evil, Misc. Horror, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 5, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Worry Dolls According to Guatemalan folklore, worry dolls (about half an inch high) are given to children who tell them their worries before they go to sleep. They place the worry dolls under their pillow and in the morning the dolls have taken their worries away. I think it’d be really funny to swap out the worry dolls with some tried ’n true rubber vomit while the kids are asleep. That’d give those little brats something to worry about. Heh. Worry Dolls So the comfort device now gets drafted into the horror realm with upcoming Worry Dolls movie, premiering at England’s Film4FRightFest in August, 2015. (Their website said is was coming out summer of 2014. Liars.) Nevertheless, Worry Dolls, with a really slick ad poster, goes a little something like this: “In the aftermath of the hunt for a serial killer, an ancient curse consumes a city, causing a series of brutal murders and pits a detective against the clock to save his daughter’s life.”

I bet the ancient curse somehow involves the use of rubber vomit. Dangerous Worry Dolls There were worry doll horror movies before this. First up was Dangerous Worry Dolls (2007), this one had the title characters coming out of a swollen hole in your forehead meant for a pineal gland gone wild. (See From Beyond/1986.) Dangerous Worry Dolls Here’s how dangerous these worry dolls are: “While serving time in a brutal women’s detention center. Eva wishes away her troubles to a set of tiny worry dolls. The dolls crawl in her ear at night and soon Eva becomes possessed.” From Beyond And, for those of you with a more sensitive horror stomach, Worry Dolls, featured as an episode on R.L. Stine’s The Haunting Hour: The Series, aired in October of 2013. There were no pineal glands in that one, which is why it sucked. Worry Dolls/Rubber Vomit You can find worry dolls on Etsy™ for $19.95. But you can get yourself outfitted with a timelessly hysterical rubber vomit novelty toy for $7.30 (+ $2.04 shipping) on eBay™. Talk about putting the gag in gag gift. Heh.

Prairie Werewolf

Posted in Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 6, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

 

Prairie Dog

There’s something stalking the vast plains and valleys of Brada County and it’s not scaring the crap outta cows. That’s because the cows are too scared to go out in the fields and make valley patties.

Prairie Dog

This is the framework for Prairie Dog (2015), which has been in the release loop for some time now. Throw in some kids, a lone sheriff, a pair of sociopath criminals on the run and a mysterious beast, and you have an intriguing horror movie. At least I hope it is; the trailers are boring as cows. Nevertheless, reports keep surfacing of a large, shadowed animal roaming the farmlands of the county.

Prairie Dog is no doubt influenced by the REAL Beast of Exmoor and Dartmoor. And just in case you don’t know where Dartmoor is, it’s in South Devon in England.

Beast of Dartmoor

Some think the B of D is a large black cat (i.e., lion/cheetah/jaguar/werewolf), which is f’d up as animals such as this aren’t supposed to be in that part of the world. But then, according to Wikipedia, Dartmoor is known for its “myths and legends and is reputedly the haunt of pixies, a headless horseman, a mysterious pack of “spectral hounds,” and a large black dog, among others.”

And all this time I thought England was as boring as cows.

I Love The Dead

Posted in Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Burying The Ex

Two new horror comedies – one from the U.S. and the other from England – with almost identical plots: girlfriends coming back from the dead to mess with their still living boyfriends who now have new girlfriends. And to further screw with your mind, Life After Beth, a horror zombie comedy released in 2014, has the same plot outline as both these movies.

Burying The Ex

First up is Burying The Ex (2015), which follows Max, an “all-around nice guy, and his overbearing but incredibly beautiful girlfriend, Evelyn. Their relationship takes a nosedive when Evelyn turns out to be a controlling, manipulative nightmare. Max realizes it’s time to call it quits, but there’s just one problem: he’s too afraid to break up with her.”

“Fate steps in when Evelyn is involved in a freak accident and dies, leaving Max single and ready to mingle. Several weeks later, he has a chance encounter with Olivia, a cute and spirited girl who just might be his soul mate. But that same night, Evelyn returns from the grave as a dirt-smeared zombie and she’s determined to live happily ever after with Max…even if that means turning him into one of the undead.”

Um, are they sure that’s dirt she’s smeared with? Looks like something I saw monkeys at the zoo playing with. Good thing movie trailers aren’t filmed in smell-o-vision.

Nina Forever

Made in British Land, Nina Forever (2015) is an “outrageous horror-comedy in which a young man’s romance with his dream girl takes an unexpected turn when Nina, his dead ex-girlfriend, rises from the grave bloody and broken and shows up every time Rob and his new girlfriend make love.”

Nina Forever

This goons out Rob, but I think he’s not seeing some interesting mattress possibilities here.

Life After Beth

In Life After Beth (2014), another boyfriend sees his girlfriend die (from a snakebite) and later come back from the dead. Sure, she seems fine at first. But dead things, living or not, tend to get ripe, if you know what I mean. Think of a potato left out in the rain for, like, a really long time. Ick.

Life After Beth

Hatching Horror

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 27, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Hatching

Movies about human-eating crocodiles (or “alligators”) are usually pretty fun to watch. Has something to do with seeing boneheaded people get eaten by an oversized reptile that’s gratifying on a “glad it’s not me” level.

While there are dozens of croc shop movies, The Hatching (release pending) is a new British horror comedy (at least judging by the gory yet funny trailer) that elevates the act of nature doing to humans what it does best.

The Hatching

Here’s the plot: On the death of his father, Tim Webber returns to his childhood village in Somerset to find something sinister is disturbing the idyllic peace of the villagers. As people disappear and gruesome body parts mount, the horrific truth emerges that crocodiles are hunting on the moors. As suspicion escalates, Tim is on the hook to make amends for his tragic teenage mistake years before. He’d better make it snappy though…”

The Hatching

If the dialogue is any indication (“How’d you kill the crocodile?” “Mark kicked it in the penis, which was a bit much…”), The Hatching is the must-see reptile vs. people movie of the year.