Crime-Fighting Coup, Snowy Sorcerer, Blood Geyser

If you could own any car in the world, hands down it’d have to be the Batmobile, yes? Screw those poser Lamborghinis and Ferraris; Do they have ejection seats? A parachute braking system? Purple smoke coming out of the exhaust? I think not. But since the original Batmobile — which has all those essential features and more — sold for $4.6 million in 2013, you’re just gonna have to take your Aston Martin Vulcan or Bugatti Bolideto to The Elephant Car Wash™ and pay extra for the hot wax rinse.

Or will you? The Batmobile used in 1989’s Batman and 1992’s Batman Returns is now up for grabs for a crime-stopping $1.5 million car bucks through Classic Auto Mall™. (There’s an unrobbed 7-Eleven™ right next door.) According to the sales pitch, this isn’t just a replica — it’s the actual working prop car designed by illustrator Julian Caldow and built by John Evans’ SFX team at Pinewood Studios in England. Riddle me this — do you want to impress the citizens of your city and strike fear into the hearts of Honda Civic owners or not? You don’t need to have an annoying sidekick who just won’t shut up to answer that.

More selling points: “The car has a Daytona Prototype-like jet engine nose and tall batwings that sandwich its slide-away cockpit. The fighter jet-style cockpit (somehow) has room for three passengers as well as working gadgets, including a flamethrower.” And I ask, what car doesn’t need a flamethrower — beside that grouchy Mad Max neighbor of yours?  

So while we’re looking forward to “Robin” the cookie jar to buy this four-wheeled traffic-thwarter, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not need the flamethrower treatment after watching ’em…  

BED REST / December 7, 2022 (Tubi™)

After years of struggling to start a family, Julie Rivers is pregnant again and moving into a new home with her husband as they embrace a fresh start. Upon being ordered to mandatory bed rest, Julie begins to slowly unravel as she suffers through the monotony and anxiety of her new constraints. Soon, terrifying ghostly experiences in the home begin to close in on Julie, stirring up her past demons and causing others to question her mental stability. Trapped and forced to face her past and the supernatural, Julie fights to protect herself and her unborn baby.”

If you’re a chick spending years trying to get pregnant, of course bed rest is gonna be mandatory. So will cold compresses and walking on crutches for a week or so. For guys it’s usually eight bowls of Wheaties™, 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep, and it’s saddle up time again for the baloney pony.

THE WINTER WITCH / December 13, 2022 (DVD)

“At the behest of her boss, journalist Ingrid Hoffman returns to her ancestral home when several children are found slaughtered in nearby woodland. With the village suspecting the infamous Winter Witch is behind the killings, together with her daughter Eleanor and estranged grandmother Omi, Ingrid must uncover the truth and stop the curse of Frau Perchta once and for all.”

The Winter Witch is the hardest working wiccan in snow business.

KNOCK AT THE CABIN / February 3, 2023 (Theaters)

“While vacationing at a remote cabin, a young girl and her parents are taken hostage by four armed strangers who demand that the family make an unthinkable choice to avert the apocalypse. With limited access to the outside world, the family must decide what they believe before all is lost.”

What could an unthinkable choice to avert the apocalypse be in this worst case scenario? Let’s examine the obvious clue: a remote cabin. Clearly, the four armed strangers are demanding toilet paper, which is a treasured commodity when in an isolated area and the nearest Wal-Mart™ is as far away as the buzzards fly. Depending on how many wild blueberries and pine cone pot pies you eat, to be without toilet talismans can indeed be an apocalyptic event.

PROJECT WOLF HUNTING / May 15, 2023 (Screambox™)

“During transport from the Philippines to South Korea, a group of dangerous criminals unites to stage a coordinated escape attempt. As the jailbreak escalates into a bloody, all-out riot, the fugitives and their allies from the outside exact a brutal terror campaign against the special agents onboard the ship.”

The advance reviews are enough to make you fill your horror pants with joy AND happiness: “Unending geysers of blood that erupt from wounds, which seem to have tremendously high blood pressure…”, “You’re thrillingly never quite sure who will survive by the end of each escalating episode of bloody bedlam…”, “Frenzied firefights, gory martial arts, all erupting upon the screen with a rousing, volcanic velocity…” I’m a non-religious type of guy, but that sounds like Heaven to me.

Gruesome Grub, Spooky Flophouse, Artificial Witches

If you’re an epicurist of fine dining (snob snacking), then you no doubt heard of gourmet eateries like McDonald’s™, Burger King™ or Taco Bell™. But none of these can hold an ice cream fork to Haunted House of Hamburgers™, a year-round Halloween-themed burger joint located in Farmingdale, NY, which is 2,852 driving miles from Seattle, where I’m currently choking down non-themed, napkin-assisted food.

Here’s why we (me and whomsoever) should carpool it to Haunted House of Hamburgers™: “Located at 330 Fulton Street in Farmingdale, Haunted House of Hamburgers™ aims to bring Halloween fun to every day of the year, offering a menu of treats and drinks, all appropriately horror-themed, including Silver Bullet Pancakes, Ominous Omelets, Tombstone Tacos, Vampire Bat Wings, Killer Clown Clam Chowder, Tarantula Burgers, Poltergeist Pulled Pork, and more.” They had me at menu.

So while we look forward to sinking our fangs into a Tarantula Burger (hope it doesn’t really taste like a spider, with or without web-flavored ketchup), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/series that may or may not leave a deep-fried taste in your mouth…

THE LAST OF US / January 15, 2023 (HBOMax™)

“The series takes place 20 years after modern civilization has been destroyed. Joel, a hardened survivor, is hired to smuggle Ellie, a 14-year-old girl, out of an oppressive quarantine zone. What starts as a small job soon becomes a brutal, heartbreaking journey, as they both must traverse the U.S. and depend on each other for survival.”

The Last of Us is based on a video game with the same name from 2013. Had to look that up as I can’t remember back that far. Heck, I can’t even recall what I drank for breakfast.

HAUNTED MANSION / March 10, 2023 (Theaters/Disney+™)

“Gabbie, a single mom, hires a tour guide, a psychic, a priest, and a historian to help exorcise her newly-bought mansion after discovering its inhabited by ghosts.”

A single mom who can afford to buy a mansion and hire “specialists” to purge the premise of poltergeists? Wish I could meet ladies like this instead of one of those “last call” gals at the bowling alley, where the term “pick up a spare” has double meaning.

SALEM’S LOT / April 21, 2023 (Theaters)

“A writer returns to his childhood home of Jerusalem’s Lot in search of inspiration for his next book, only to discover his hometown is being preyed upon by a vampire. This leads him to band together a ragtag group to fight the evil presence.”

The plot (based on some sort of book from 1975) sounds alarmingly familiar. I’m guessing it’s because the first Salem’s Lot movie came out in 1979. A Return to Salem’s Lot (i.e., double crappy sequel) was released in 1987. (That took awhile to return.) Then the first remake came out in 2004 as a mini-series. I really hope the vampires aren’t getting the short end of the stake on royalties.

WITCH / Pending release 2022/2023 (VOD)

“Set in Dawnbrook, England in 1575, William must prove the innocence of his wife Twyla, who stands accused of being a witch. William must hunt down the real witch if Twyla is to be spared, but unearthly events make them both look doomed.”

Artificial witches…real witches…unearthly events. This sounds more like Ladies Night at the Tug Tavern than a semi-interesting period piece film (or “moving picture show”).

Saw, Sawtooth, Saw An Alien

So this is ass kickingly cool — an escape room themed around Saw (2004), which is pretty much the ultimate of escape rooms. SAW: The Experience is now open in London (dang it), and you can get tickets for £39.00 (or $37.99 in US folding coupons). Hopefully, you won’t have to hacksaw your piggy bank to fund this fun. (You got the reference, yes?)

Behold — the sales pitch: “You thought it was over, but the games have just begun. This multi-room, theatrical experience is combined with escape room style challenges. Those who dare to play the game will be split into teams of up to six people who will work together to complete challenges and explore multiple rooms to test themselves and others. The experience lasts a full 90 minutes, plus there is a themed bar at the end of it all called The Traproom. So it could easily be a full night of fun with Jigsaw.”

“The Traproom is a themed bar experience based on Jigsaw’s workshop, and features a collection of some of his most legendary traps throughout the films franchise. Players will be able to unwind from the horrors they have endured with a selection of drinks created specifically for the experience.”

They had me at “a selection of drinks.” So while you plan your kayak trip to London, mate (I think that’s in England somewhere — I’ll have to look it up), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need editing with a hacksaw…

MASKING THRESHOLD / Out now

“Frustrated by a constant ringing in his ears, a paranoid data analyst documents his obsessive attempts to cure his own debilitating tinnitus through a series of home experiments conducted in a make-shift lab. But as his research becomes increasingly dark and macabre, a horrifying secret behind his maddening condition is revealed with a potential cure more sinister than he could have ever imagined.”

Listening to heavy metal really loud caused his tinnitus. The sinister cure is listening to smooth jazz. Really loud.

RUN SWEETHEART RUN / October 28, 2022 (Amazon Prime™)

“Initially apprehensive when her boss insists she meet with one of his most important clients, single mom Cherie is relieved and excited when she meets charismatic Ethan. The influential businessman defies expectations and sweeps Cherie off her feet. But at the end of the night, when the two are alone together, he reveals his true, violent nature. Battered and terrified, she flees for her life, beginning a relentless game of cat-and-mouse with a bloodthirsty assailant hell-bent on her utter destruction. In this edge-of-your-seat dark thriller, Cherie finds herself in the cross-hairs of a conspiracy stranger and more evil than she could have ever imagined.”

This would work better as a video game.

I’M TOTALLY FINE / November 4, 2022 (VOD)

“Vanessa embarks on a solo trip to clear her head after the death of her best friend Jennifer. But her self-care vacation takes a detour when she finds the recently departed Jennifer standing in her kitchen, claiming to be an extraterrestrial. Together they spend the next 48 hours partying and reminiscing on better days in a comedy that’s out of this world.”

Normally, I wouldn’t go near a teen “sci-fi” comedy, but I have been known to party with extraterrestrials on occasion. In fact, I’m doing it right now.

DARK HARVEST / Pending release 2022/2023

“Every fall in a small Midwestern town, a supernatural specter named Sawtooth Jack arises from the cornfields and approaches the town’s church, where violent gangs of young boys hungrily await their chance to confront the legendary nightmare in an annual harvest rite of life and death. Richie Shepard lives in the shadow of his big brother who won last year’s ‘October Prize’ to get his ticket out of town. To prove himself and join his brother, Richie pairs up with restless dreamer Kelly Haines, who will do whatever it takes to escape this dead-end town. Against the rules and the odds, Richie and Kelly decide to hunt down the legendary nightmare to win the Run and their freedom, together.”

Sounds like a Halloween version of The Hunger Games (2012). FYI — There was a Dark Harvest movie that came out in 2004. That one had teens being harvested by a killer scarecrow. It was the…last straw…for all of them. Heh.

Zombie Headwear, Pig People, Lab Rats

Horror movie make-up legend Tom Savini and his Trick or Treat Studios is once again making his line of Halloween (or church) full-head zombie masks available for money. This is good news for those of us who want to explore a new fashion look for around $25.00. (No word if these masks are made of human skin.)

Savini knows what a zombie should look like, having worked on such horror movies as Dawn of the Dead (1978), Day of the Dead (1985) and even directing the Night of the Living Dead reboot in 1990. Using his vast experience and flesh-rotting art skills, Savini is offering the mask models “Graves,” “Mort” and “Tombed”, which will ship in August/September 2019.

While you hit up the boss for an advance on your paycheck to get in on this action, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be suitable for Halloween and/or church…

I’M JUST F*CKING WITH YOU (April 1, 2019/Hulu™)
“A man and his sister on the way to a family wedding endure a night of increasingly frightening practical jokes during a one-night stay at a secluded motel.”

Great movie title. Bet parents will be taking their under-age kids to this one.

RED 11 (pending distribution/2019)
“Red 11 is a horror/thriller set in a dark, twisted version of the Legal Drug Research world. At these facilities, young guys become lab rats to make quick money, but our hero RED 11 is here to buy his way out of a huge debt to the tune of $7,000. This story shows the quirks, characters, and comedy of being a human lab rat, but with a sci-fi and horror twist, because while under the influence of experimental drugs, Red 11 doesn’t know if what’s in front of him is fact or fiction.”

This one is from Robert Rodriguez, so even with the low production budget of $7,000, it’ll look at least like $9,000 movie. There’s an interesting TRUE story behind this (from the press release) — “The movie is based on the research hospital where Robert Rodriguez sold his body to pay for El Mariachi (1993), ‘Red 11’ is the shirt color and number he was assigned.” I need to find that place so I can get the rent paid this month. Let’s see Rodriguez make a movie outta that.

TALES FROM THE LODGE (2019/UK)
“In an isolated lodge somewhere in England, five old university pals, now nudging 40, gather for a weekend to scatter the ashes of their friend, Jonesy, who drowned himself in the lake three years earlier. They settle in for a fun evening, entertaining each other with stories of murders, ghosts, zombies and possessions, but as day turns to night the gang become aware of another horror story unfolding around them. And this one is real.”

Is this a cliched horror movie plot or an episode of Scooby Doo? Just thinkin’ out loud — I’ll probably watch it regardless.

BULLETS OF JUSTICE (2019)
“During the Third World War, the American government initiates a secret project named ‘Army Bacon’ in order to create super soldiers by breeding human beings with pigs. 25 years later a breed called ‘Muzzles’ have occupied the top of the food chain, eating and farming humans like animals. Rob Justice is an ex-bounty hunter working for the last line of human resistance – a group of survivors hiding in a nuclear bunker deep underground. His mission is to find out how Muzzles came to power and destroy them.”

Army bacon? Breeding humans with pigs? Hybrids called Muzzles? Head..about…to…explode — too…many…jokes…

196 Days of Zombies

28 Weeks Later (2007) picks up where 28 Days Later (20020) left off, with downtown England quarantined because of the Rage virus that turns people into extreme zombies quicker than you can say, “Ouch — stop biting my arse, you arsehole!” 

A man and his wife are outside of the city, holed up in a cottage with some old people and a few others. The zombies find them and start projectile barfing virus blood all over their victims, which tuns them into zombies in, like, three seconds. Cornered, the man manages to get away, but cowardly leaves his wife to be overtaken by the flesh-eating horde. He makes it back to the city where the U.S. military has declared Martial Law and is letting people back in through a screening process. They think the “infected” are all confined to the outlying areas.

The coward man and his two kids are reunited, but the law-unabiding children sneak out of the containment zone and make their way back to their former home for some penny candy, whistles and House of the Dead Playstation™ game. But someone’s there and it’s…MOM! Yes, she was bitten by the zombies. No, she didn’t “turn” as she carries a gene in her blood that keeps the Rage virus from messing up her hair and vomiting gunk all over bit Britain. 

The military brings her back for studying. About this time the coward man is notified his wife is still alive. Um…OOPS! He uses his security clearance to visit her and even gives her a kiss as if to say, “Sorry ’bout the whole abandonment ’n zombie attack thing, honey. So, what’s new?” But she bites his lip as he’s going in for the apology smooch. You know what happens next.

Along the way, more flesh eating, flesh burning, flesh running, flesh screaming. And the camera work, which at times feels like they strapped a camcorder onto a frog hopped up on meth, is quite dizzying. But the story line holds and cowardly dad’s hottie teen daughter is about one year away from a Zombie Maxim center spread: Uninfected Girls of Great Britain.

Jewish Horror, Erotic Horror, Photocopied Horror

If you’re a fan of fringe art, hard to find a better place than G1988, a kick ass art gallery in Los Angeles (7308 Melrose Ave.) They do theme shows all the time, featuring groovy cool works from indie artists. Their latest show — and a returning one at that — is Product Placement artwork inspired by fictitious items from movies and TV. (They had me at Product Placement.)

Contributing artists for this one includes Blain Hefner and his brilliant take on Halloween, James Olstein’s kitschy spin on Batman, and Ryan Hungerford’s killer Captain Spaulding (from House of 1000 Corpses/2003) famous fried chicken. And if this all wasn’t cool enough, you can actually buy prints of these must-have artfulness.

I’m gonna have to buy a couple as the only things I can draw are curtains, bathwater and flies. (Old joke, but it still cracks me up.) Before you click on over to gallery1988.com to browse through their insanely amazing art pieces, here are a few now just released/upcoming horror movies that may or may not be suitable for framing…

THE LEGEND OF HALLOWEEN JACK (available now)
“The sleepy seaside town of England is about to learn the true meaning of vengeance. As the residents gear up for the annual Halloween celebration, little do they know that their seemingly perfect town masks a guilty secret. One year earlier a group of vigilantes took matters into their own hands when notorious criminal Jack Cain escaped conviction. After torturing and killing Cain, they buried his body in the local cornfield and made a pact to never speak his name again. Now, on the day when the veil between the living and dead is at its thinnest, a mysterious apparition begins stalking the land and dishing out brutal retribution to the vigilante group. So begins the Legend of Halloween Jack.”

Freddy Krueger should sue Halloween Jack for jackin’ the Elm Street horror icon’s intellectual property. And this take on the plot is as uninspired as his burlap suit. (Burlap doesn’t coordinate with anything except potatoes.)

AMERICAN FRIGHT FEST (available now)
“Blood runs rampant on Halloween night when a small town’s Fright Fest becomes real inside the walls of a long abandoned asylum. Spencer Crowe, a former A-List horror director — long past his prime, having been in and out of rehab several times — gets a second chance at his career when he’s given the opportunity to produce a local Fright Fest.”

And this guy is ripping off Leatherface, what with the chainsaw and mangled face mask. How come nobody uses a weed wacker as a weapon of choice? Those things can make serious welts on your ankles and shins.

THE HOUSE OF VIOLENT DESIRE (available now)
“In a remote hill top mansion, a mysterious stranger emerges from a thunderstorm in the night, seeking refuge with the Whipley family; four young adults ruled by their strict religious mother, and their troubled father, who has vanished the previous night. But perhaps the ‘stranger’ is more connected to this family and to the dark unknown history of the house than they could ever suspect, and as the visitor begins to cultivate sexual tensions and paranoia within the house, the devilishly erotic history of the Whipley family threatens to lure them deep into its lustful, violent madness once again.”

The House of Violent Desire. Sounds like a cool name for a dive bar.

HANUKKAH (2018)
“Obediah Lazarus is the son of Judah Lazarus, the original Hanukiller. In 1983, Judah terrorized NY for seven nights and was preparing to sacrifice his eight-year-old son, Obediah, on the eighth night. Judah was convinced it was God’s will, like Abraham and Isaac, to sacrifice his only son to God. Luckily for Obediah, police tracked Judah down and stopped the sacrifice, but Judah was gunned down in the process. Warped by hatred with no guidance, Obediah Lazarus becomes a religious extremist, intolerant of non-Jews, ‘bad Jews’, and those he perceives to be enemies of the Jewish faith. He is about to unleash eight nights of horror. A group of Jewish teens are getting ready to party for the holidays, but are in for a Festival of Frights. With the help of a wise Rabbi, they deduce that the murder victims have violated Judaic law and that their only chance at survival is to embrace their faith.”

Oy veh — a Jewish slasher film! The plot, though, reminds me of an old joke: 

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating.

A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.

Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.

The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, “Who wrote this crap?”

Comedy gold, I tell you.

X-Files Anniversary, Demonic Kids Games, Zombie Baby-Making

Talk about finding the Holy Grail of sci-fi TV series — 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment™ is issuing all 11 seasons/218 episodes of The X-Files on DVD/Blu-ray box set on October 15, 2018 to commemorate the pop culture phenomenon’s 25th anniversary. Now you can binge watch (take the week off from work) all those elusive flying saucers, aliens, monsters, demonic stuff, and subsequent government conspiracies. That’s the good news. The bad news is its only available (for now) in England. Blimey!

Yeah, there’s been X-Files box sets before, the last one released a few years ago and only went to Season 10. At $148.00 for the Blu-ray collection and $119.00 for the DVD set, it was still a bargain at twice the price. The only drag is that the new box set contains 59 discs; Trying to find a particular episode in a sea of shows seems unduly laborious (sorry — word of the day calendar).

So while you click on over to Amazon.co.uk to buy it ($117.00 in U.S. converted dollars), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worthy of a Fox Muldar/Dana Scully investigation…

LIGHT AS A FEATHER (October 12, 2018/Hulu)
“An innocent game of ‘Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board’ goes wrong when the five teen girls who played start dying off in the exact way that was predicted, forcing the survivors to figure out why they’re being targeted — and whether the evil force hunting them down is one of their own.”

Light as a feather, stiff as a board. Sounds more like a wishful health condition than a game. If it’s pure evil they’re looking for, those girls should start playing Twister™, the Exorcist edition.

WELCOME TO MERCY (November 2, 2018)
“A young woman struggles against the unholy forces that possess her in this terrifying occult thriller. After being stricken with stigmata, single mother Madaline is sent to a remote convent where nothing is what it seems and her friend August is seemingly the only person she can trust. Together, they must confront the demons inside Madaline before she becomes the Antichrist.”

Wikipedia™ defines stigmata as a term used in Christian Mysticism to describe the manifestations of bodily wounds, scars and pain in locations corresponding to the crucifixion wounds of Jesus Christ, such as the hands, wrists, and feet. My bartender defines it as falling into sharp sticker bushes while wobbling home unholy drunk.

MAIL ORDER MONSTER (November 6, 2018)
“12-year-old Sam Pepper lost her mother in a car accident and her reclusive, quirky nature makes her an easy target for bullying. Realizing she’d had enough, Sam orders the parts to build a ‘Monster’ from a comic book ad, and is finally able to get back at the bully. Life becomes gets more complicated when Sam discovers her father Roy proposes to his girlfriend Sydney, Pepper relies on her monster to keep her from getting a new mom.”

Comic book back page ads in my day only sold stuff like X-Ray glasses (didn’t work), live Seamonkeys (didn’t float), Kryptonite “rocks” (regular rocks painted green) and Space Shoes for $1.98 (still wearing ‘em).

ZOO (2018/2019)
“Karen and John have lost the spark of married life the day they were notified that they were unable to conceive. Now they almost live like the walking dead, imprisoned by everyday life and on the verge of divorce. When the world is hit by a pandemic that really turns people into zombies, the couple have to lock themselves in their apartment, waiting for rescue. While the world outside is falling apart, they are forced to find their way back to each other and reclaim their lost love.”

Stuck indoors while zombies are taking over outside and nothing to do but practice making babies? This doesn’t sound like a dark horror comedy but rather…THE BEST MOVIE IN THE WORLD!

Rock Horror Lottery, Time-Traveling Sharks,Trained Zombies

As first reported by Bloody-Disgusting.com, horror shock rock icon Alice Cooper is now featured on scratch-to-win Lottery™ tickets in his home state of Arizona. (Probably where he gets his stage snakes. I hear you can practically trip over ’em in Arizona.)

The measure of success used to be to get your face on a postal stamp. But being on a Lotto scratch card seems a more appropriate way to honor the rock star who had a hit album called Billion Dollar Babies back in 1973 (way to tie-in, Arizona!), and paved the road for others like Rob Zombie and Marilyn Manson by pioneering the theater use of said (live) pythons, dead babies (song title and plastic prop), an onstage guillotine execution, a hangman’s noose, a ride on an electric chair, and tons of horror imagery and zombie stuff.

The Alice Cooper Lotto tickets went live in Arizona on August 7, 2018 and will continue to be purchasable through Halloween, 2018. From the press release: “There are six top prizes of $50,000 each, with second-chance prizes that range from Alice Cooper memorabilia to VIP tickets and pre-show party access to the legendary rocker’s annual Christmas Pudding concert.” (Note: The album came with a “billion dollar” bill in the packaging. Been trying to spend it every since. Guess I’ll have to buy more than one microwaved hot dog as it appears 7-Eleven™ just doesn’t appear to have enough correct change.)

While we all wait for our turn to have our printed faces scratched off with the edge of a quarter (a penny works, too), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that you may or may not want to scratch off your viewing list…

THE LAST SHARKNADO: IT’S ABOUT TIME (August 19, 2018/SyFy™ Channel)
In the sixth and final installment of the series, Fin will travel back in time in a Sharknado-turned-time-machine to resurrect his family by stopping the first sharknado that started it all. In his quest, Fin will fight dinosaurs, knights, cowboys, and, of course, sharks. This time, it’s not a question of how to stop the sharknados — it’s when!”

Gotta give ‘em props for the movie title, as it perfectly sums up the thankful END of one of the most overplayed (and dumb) horror movie franchises of all time. And this coming from a guy who loves shark movies. Looks like they’re gonna go out with style, what with time-travel, dinosaurs, knights, cowboys (just repeating the press release here) and, of course, sharks that fall from the sky like faulty airplanes. Good for them. Now go away.

LIZZIE (September 14, 2018)
“Chloë Sevigny stars as Lizzie Borden, the notorious woman at the heart of one of the most enduring mysteries in American history. After a lifetime of loneliness, Lizzie finds a kindred spirit in housemaid Bridget Sullivan (Kristen Stewart) and their secret intimacy sparks an unthinkable act. The movie explores the days leading up to the savage crimes in a dark tale of repression, exploitation and thwarted dreams.”

Back in the good ‘ol days of 1892, Lizzie Borden, the spinster daughter of Andrew Jackson Borden and Sarah Anthony Borden (what are the odds they both have the same last name?), was infamously charged with axe-to-the-head-multiple-times on said husband and wife double murder. Lizzie was arrested as a prime suspect, but later deemed innocent by the court and let go, presumably to open an axe store (poor timing, but good prices from what I hear).

This grisly, unsolved murder led to more than a few movie treatments and remakes over the years. But Lizzie — a women’s spin on the subject — brings a whole new perspective, implying that Lizzie had a girlfriend and they both plotted — and executed (sorry) — the de-parenting. For another interesting look at Lizzie Borden, the Jason Voorhees of the late 1800s, check out Lizzie Borden Took An Axe (2014) with Christina Ricci as the chilling and non-emotional portrayal of the world’s first hacker. Personally, I though it was the mailman who performed the crime, based on absolutely no proof whatsoever. I just trust my gut stuff.

REDCON-1 (September 28, 2018/UK)
“After a zombie apocalypse spreads from a London prison, the UK is brought to its knees. The spread of the virus is temporarily contained but, without a cure, it’s only a matter of time before it breaks its boundaries and the biggest problem of all…any zombies with combat skills are now enhanced. With the South East of England quarantined from the rest of the world using fortified borders, intelligence finds that the scientist responsible for the outbreak is alive and well in London. With his recovery being the only hope of a cure, a squad of eight Special Forces soldiers is sent on a suicide mission to the city, now ruled by the undead, with a single task: get him out alive within 72 hours by any means necessary. What emerges is an unlikely pairing on a course to save humanity against ever-rising odds.”

So the dead come back to life with all their previous life skills. I guess when it’s my turn to go to the great couch in the sky, I’ll come back LOADED (heh) with years of accrued beer drinking abilities. The world as you know it won’t stand a chance. Sucks to be everybody but me.

SLAUGHTERHOUSE RULEZ (October 31, 2018/UK | 2018/2019 US)
Slaughterhouse is an elite boarding school where boys and girls are groomed for power and greatness and they’re about to meet their match. Don Wallace, is a wide-eyed new boy from a modest background forced to navigate a baffling new world of arcane rules and rituals, presided by sadistic sixth formers. Matters of status are aggressively enforced and conversation with school goddess Clemsie, are strictly forbidden. But this ancient and ordered world is about to be shaken to its foundations — literally — when a controversial frack site on prize school woodland causes seismic tremors, a mysterious sinkhole and an unspeakable horror is unleashed. Soon a new pecking order will be established as pupils, teachers and the school matron become locked in a bloody battle for survival.”

Holy frack — an unspeakable horror comes out of a resulting sinkhole? I bet the quakes busted the boarding school’s sewer line. P.S. Resist the urge to compare this one with this same-named 2004 short, The Slaughter House Rules. That one was only 13 minutes long and from what I hear, did not feature a busted sewer line spewing liquefied leavings all over everyone’s faces and/or clean shirts. That’d be really icky if they did.

A London Werewolf in London

“Lawrence, you’ve been a very bad boy…” 

The understatement of the century. And it accurately frames the 2010 re-boot of Universal’s least-groomed monster, The Wolfman.

After tearing up the 1891 countryside and all of its inhabitants like sale-priced steak tartar, Lawrence Talbot, actor and marauding werewolf, should probably be sent to his room. Or the dungeon, at the very least. And the drag of it is, it’s not Larry’s fault. He was only in town to attend his brother’s funeral and to find out who — or what — killed him. 

The locals think he was dispatched by the dancing bear the gypsies keep tied up at their camp out in the werewolf-infested woods. (In all fairness, the clues do point to a criminal bear, dance floor skills notwithstanding.) During a full moon raid on the camp, the police are overwhelmed by something whizzing by and opening the Christmas presents that are human torsos, limbs, and heads. Larry pursues, only to be mortally wounded by the beast. Whew — the bear finally has a corroborated alibi!

Larry’s healing powers are remarkable. Sir John, his dad, encourages Larry to let the “inner beast run wild.” (In those days, that meant eating people, not zooming around without underwear.) After a particularly robust night out on the moors removing heads, arms, and those icky wiggly organs, the cops show up the next day and arrest Larry, taking him to Lamberth Mental Care Health Facility (“asylum” for short), where he was once interred as a kid for treatment for social problems after seeing his mother die before his eyes. Yes, this is a clue to his current status.

Larry the Wolf gets loose in London and has a few hours to kill before calling it a night. He doesn’t waste time wasting people; you’d think there was a raw meat parade in town by the way he chews up the sights.

Gwen Conliffe, Larry’s dead brother’s fiancé, becomes hip to the chili con carnage and thinks she can help Larry. Don’t girls know anything? Love isn’t the answer  — heavy artillery is.

The final sequence is a real tail-puller, with Larry coming to grips with his disease and getting into one last dogfight before… C’mon, you knew how this was gonna end. Or did you? They wisely left the pet door open for a sequel that sadly never happened. Otherwise, a good time was had by all. Up to, and including the dancing bear. 

Rock ‘n Roll Aliens, Giant Bullies, Wiccan Babysitters

Keith Richards, iconic rock guitarist and co-founder of The Rolling Stones, recently interviewed on 98.5 WNCX FM Radio in Cleveland, OH, that not only does he believe in aliens, he claims there’s an actual extraterrestrial landing strip on his expansive property in England. Given how much drugs and alcohol the famous wasted musician has infamously consumed over the last 100 years ago (you got that one, right?), surprised he hasn’t also seen Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, Chupacabra and/or Mothman lurking about his front yard as well. (Then again, he might think they’re just roadies.)

I believe him. Rock and roll wouldn’t lie. So maybe Keith should rewrite some of his songs to support his claim: “Beam Me Up”, “Let’s Spend The Night Together on Uranus”, “Blue Turns To Greys”, “You Can’t Always Get Abducted When You Want”, and “It’s Only Probing (But I Like It)”. I’m thinkin’ platinum sales, here.

While we wait for the Stones’ intergalactic tour, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not give you satisfaction…

I KILL GIANTS (2018)
“A teenage girl chooses to escape the realities of school and a drab family life by retreating into her magical world of titans and giants. With the help of her new friend Sophia and her school therapist, Barbara, will learn to battle her giants and face her fears — tackling the bullies at school, her sister, and her difficult home life.”

I liked it better when it was Harry Potter. Still, giant monsters and difficult home life. I can relate.

HEREDITARY (2018)
“When Ellen, the matriarch of the Graham family, passes away, her daughter’s family begins to unravel cryptic and increasingly terrifying secrets about their ancestry. The more they discover, the more they find themselves trying to outrun the sinister fate they seem to have inherited.”

Big talk about this on the movie/dive bar circuit. I bet Helen’s shameful ancestry has something to do with an unpaid bar tab. Note to matriarchs: dine ‘n dash = NOT COOL.

NIGHTMARE CINEMA (2018)
“The anthology centers on a series of down-on-their-luck individuals who enter the decrepit and spine-chilling Rialto Theater, only to have their deepest and darkest fears brought to life on the silver screen by The Projectionist — a mysterious, ghostly figure who holds the nightmarish futures of all who attend his screenings. By the time our patrons realize the truth, escape is no longer an option.”

Sounds nifty, though for a great “people trapped in a movie theatre while evil beings eat your face and/or popcorn”, try the Italian gore snack bar, Demons (1985). You’ll forget all about your AMC Stubs™ reward points.

THE NIGHT SITTER (2018)
“A scheming con artist poses as innocent babysitter ‘Amber’ to steal from Ted Hooper, a wealthy occult enthusiast with a reclusive son named Kevin. Her crew arrives to clean out the house just as Kevin stumbles upon one of his father’s most prized artifacts and unwittingly summons a trio of witches known as The Three Mothers. As the playful, sadistic witches start picking people off, Amber and Kevin form an unlikely bond and try to survive the night together.”

That would be fun to have witches as babysitters. If you spill a jar of dried frog tongues, there’s plenty of brooms around to sweep ’em up. Wonder if they know any “take out the garbage” spells and/or enchantments? That would so awesome.