Archive for England

More Sharks, A Few Killers, A Bunch of Superheroes

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 28, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

47 Meters Down

Been watching a lot of trailers for the spring/summer movie season. The two I really spazz out over are the ones for Justice League and Wonder Woman. (By the way, you can buy Wonder Woman stamps at the post office. I often go there to see if my picture has yet to be added to the wall.)

The one that isn’t doing a thing for me is the Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2. It looks like a half-assed version of the first movie, which came out in 2014. Getting a chuckle, though from the new Thor: Ragnarok trailer. Big T faces down the Hulk in some sort of forced battle arena (i.e., Christians vs. The Lions pay-per-view, 80 A.D.)

Speaking of chuckling, here’s some upcoming horror movies that by definition should make you laugh, since there hasn’t been a really scary movie since The Ghost and Mr. Chicken (1966). And no, The Blair Witch Project (1999) wasn’t remotely scary. Don’t believe the hype.

47 METERS DOWN (June 6, 2017)
“On the rebound after a devastating break-up, Lisa is ready for adventure while on vacation in Mexico. Even still, she needs a little extra persuasion when her daring sister suggests they go shark diving with some locals. Once underwater in a protective cage, Lisa and Kate catch a once in a lifetime, face-to-face look at majestic Great Whites. But when their worst fears are realized and the cage breaks away from their boat, they find themselves plummeting to the bottom of the seabed, too deep to radio for help without making themselves vulnerable to the savage sharks, their oxygen supplies rapidly dwindling.”

Yes, you’re, like, double correct; I previewed this on June 30, 2016. I had just combed my hair in a stylish fashion. But that was when they title the movie In The Deep, which sucks clam juice. They changed it to that from 47 Meters Down. Now they changed it back. Geez, pick a lane, Lois. And they changed the key art AGAIN, but this time it’s better than the Art Institute™ version it was before. It’s also a year late in getting in front of my attentive eyeballs. Better get here soon; I’m getting the urge to comb my hair again.

Polaroid

POLAROID (August 25, 2017)
“High school loner Bird Fitcher has no idea what dark secrets are tied to the Polaroid™ vintage camera she stumbles upon, but it doesn’t take long to discover that those who have their picture taken meet a tragic end.”

This one echoes Stephen King’s 1990 novella “The Sun Dog” from his Four Past Midnight collection.  If you haven’t read it, you probably should. Haunted Polaroid™ in that one as well. And it’s okay to move your lips whilst reading it. I do it all the time, even when I’m typing. Feels like I’m having a friendly conversation with my self. As for the camera that kills, let’s give it to all those selfie-prone people. On that subject — stop taking pictures of yourself; you’re not as good looking as you think. And quit sucking in your cheeks and pursing your lips — you look like a Grouper fish about to take the bait.

Deep In The Woods

DEEP IN THE WOODS (September 27, 2017)
“Tommi, a 4-year-old child, disappears during an annual Krampus festival. Five years later, a child was found nameless and without documents. DNA matches — he is Tommi. Manuel, the father, can finally embrace his son. The mother, Linda, however, cannot adapt to the new situation. As suspicion digs inside her: what if that child is not really her son?”

It’s probably Tommi, but he’s likely p.o.’d that they didn’t finish spelling his name before sending him out into the woods to gather Krampus snacks. Wonder if he’s possessed by the spirit of the Pine Cone King? Hey, if you believe in Krampus, you’d probably fall for anything.

Downhill

DOWNHILL (October 10, 2016 / UK / 2017 U.S.)
“After his best friend dies in a racing accident, biking star Joe agrees to go back on the wheels for an exhibition in Chile. On a test run with his girlfriend Stephanie, they stumble upon a badly injured man dying from a mysterious virus. That’s the start of a very bad day for them as they become the target of relentless killers ready to do anything to keep their secret from going out of the mountains.”

This one came out in England in October 2016. Looked for it in non-British places, but have yet to find it. So yeah, biking horror. There’s something new-ish. I bet the dying guy was infected with boredom. Or a hickey from the (wait for it)…PINE CONE KING! Now there’s a horror movie worth pursuing.

Werewolves, Shadow People, Aquaman, Hippies

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 13, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Watcher

Pretty sure my mailman is a werewolf. I have no other proof other than I never see him at night, full moon or not. And his eyebrows seem a bit bushier than the acceptable norm. I should order silverware from Amazon.com™ and see if he’ll deliver it. My hunch is that it’ll goon him out.

Until I get the proof I need — AND I WILL — here’s some upcoming new horror/sci-fi movies to goon out over…

THE WATCHER (April 18, 2017)
“Unaware of its terrible history, a young couple purchases their dream home. But it soon becomes clear that they may not be alone in the house. And that someone — or something — is determined to drive them out.”

It’s Hippies. Hippies want them out so they can squat there rent-free and play their Grateful Dead records way too loud, pound on bongos for three days non-stop and stink up the joint because hippies are afraid of bathtubs. Easy way to get rid of hippies — introduce them to the glory of the washcloth.

Be Afraid

BE AFRAID (June 1, 2017)
“Not long after John Chambers and his family arrive at their new home in a small country town of Pennsylvania, John begins to experience sleep paralysis. Lying there paralyzed, trapped within his own nightmare, other-worldly beings visit John. They are entities which exist in the darkest shadows of the night and can only be seen out of the corner of one’s eye. These encounters begin to haunt John, transforming to complete terror as he discovers the entities’ sole purpose…the abduction of his seven year old son. In the end, John will uncover the town’s horrific secret, a portal on his land, and make one last attempt to save his son before the shadow people permanently take him away to their world.”

You don’t have to be a shadow person to have some fun with people who suffer from sleep paralysis. All you need is a magic marker, duct tape and a camera. Ask anyone whose ever came down with beer paralysis at a keggar.

Camera Obscura

CAMERA OBSCURA (June 9, 2017)
“A veteran war photographer with PTSD sees imminent deaths in his developed photos, questioning his already fragile sanity and putting the lives of those he loves in danger.”

This borrows heavily from a 1999 episode of The X-Files. It was called “Tithonus” and it had a guy who knew when you were about to die and took your picture at the point of death. That was back before smart phones with cameras built in, so he had to go home and develop the pics. Today you can snap “death selfies” and see the results instantly. Technology is pretty neat. P.S. Don’t hire this guy to photograph your wedding.

American Satan

AMERICAN SATAN (Summer, 2017)
“A group of young men hailing from the U.S. and England drop out of college and move to Hollywood’s infamous Sunset Strip to pursue their dreams of becoming a rock & roll sensation.”

Where’s the satan part? Is he one of the band members? If so, does he play guitar? And what kind of guitar is it? I bet it’s loud as…HELL. Heh.

Justic League

JUSTICE LEAGUE (November 11, 2017)
Yep, already wrote about this one, but this is a new poster. I have two questions — where’s Superman? Yeah, he croaked in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016), but just lay his Kryptonian corpse out in the sun for a while and he’ll be good as new. Not his costume, though. Big hole in the chest area. Not sure how you’d sew that up. Secondly, how can you tell if Aquaman wets his pants? I guess only clams know.

Hell Has Frozen Over – Might As Well Go Skiing

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 15, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cute Little Buggers

While the horror of 2016 has yet to be fully realized, might as well look ahead to the upcoming (movie) horrors of 2017…

CUTE LITTLE BUGGERS (2017)
“After hostile aliens crash land on local farmland, the villagers at the summer ball get suspicious when young women start going missing. The villagers soon band together to fend off the invaders and bring peace back to the sleepy English countryside.”

Why are aliens more often than not depicted as being hostile? Just because they tend to stick sharp things in our Earth orifices for the sake of science shouldn’t be taken as a signal of ill-intent between planets. If that were the case, then we might as well declare open season on proctologists. (I’m looking in your direction, Dr. “Big Finger” Lindermund.)

Hotel of the Damned

HOTEL OF THE DAMNED (December 6 / VOD)
“After a near fatal car accident, and stranded in the middle of nowhere, a group of travelers find themselves in an abandoned hotel deep in the Carpathian Mountains. Their bad luck becomes a nightmare when they discover that in the cavernous remains of the hotel live a race of sub-human cannibalistic creatures.”

A hotel for cannibalistic creatures? Cool! Looked everywhere on Expedia™ and couldn’t locate one for my upcoming vacation. I did, however, find one place that hosts such sub-humans — my apartment building.

Devil's Domain

DEVIL’S DOMAIN (2017)
Lisa Pomson is a troubled, social media-obsessed teen, conflicted with her sexuality and her parents’ misunderstanding of her. When Lisa gets secretly filmed binging, purging, and masturbating, the video goes viral; and she suffers extreme cyber-bullying. Suicidal and on the brink of insanity, a beautiful, mysterious stranger (the Devil) strikes up an online relationship with her. They grow close and meet, and the stranger offers to help in exchange for a favor: Satan will rid her of the bullies and give Lisa fame and fortune in exchange for a baby. Lisa agrees, but as the bullies die one by one, Lisa’s conscience kicks in and she regrets making the deal.”

So the Devil is online? I don’t know why this doesn’t surprise me. Then again, now that the election is done and Hell has frozen over, it makes perfect sense. (Wouldn’t it suck if you requested the Devil to friend you, and got denied? Ouch!)

Replace

REPLACE (2017)
“Young and beautiful Kira is afflicted with a strange disease where her skin ages rapidly to the point of drying out and crumbling away. When she discovers that she can replace her own skin with somebody else’s, she has to make a choice: watch her own body wither and die, or give in to temptation…whatever the price.”

A spin on The Picture of Dorian Grey (1945) and every movie starring Countess Elizabeth Bathory, who bathed in the rejuvenating broth of young, beautiful women so that she can continue looking in a mirror without breaking it. Replace begs the question — exactly how do you go about appropriating someone else’s skin for vanity purposes? I’d start by asking Texas Chain Saw Massacre’s (1974) Leatherface or those tuna-smelling, skin degloving fish people from Dagon (2001).

Don’t Cry For Werewolves

Posted in Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , on November 1, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Crying Wolf

If you live in the village of Deddington, either you’re a werewolf or about to be chewed out by one. Such is the framework for Crying Wolf, a British werewolf movie finally (after several years) releasing December 12, 2015, just in time for Christmas. Nothing says happy holidays like having your neck bit off.

Crying Wolf

So here’s the problem in Deddington: “For centuries a pack of werewolves have resided in the sleepy town. But when local girl Charlotte meets a particularly gruesome death, the village is descended upon by reporters, crazy detectives and lunatic hunters desperate to get their story, solve the crime and kill the beasts. But these wolves are smart…very smart.”

Crying Wolf

Try your hardest not to confuse Crying Wolf with the 2011 documentary of the same name. That one’s about reintroducing wolves to Yellowstone National Park, where they go around biting tourists’ necks off.

Dolls and Vomit

Posted in Evil, Misc. Horror, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 5, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Worry Dolls According to Guatemalan folklore, worry dolls (about half an inch high) are given to children who tell them their worries before they go to sleep. They place the worry dolls under their pillow and in the morning the dolls have taken their worries away. I think it’d be really funny to swap out the worry dolls with some tried ’n true rubber vomit while the kids are asleep. That’d give those little brats something to worry about. Heh. Worry Dolls So the comfort device now gets drafted into the horror realm with upcoming Worry Dolls movie, premiering at England’s Film4FRightFest in August, 2015. (Their website said is was coming out summer of 2014. Liars.) Nevertheless, Worry Dolls, with a really slick ad poster, goes a little something like this: “In the aftermath of the hunt for a serial killer, an ancient curse consumes a city, causing a series of brutal murders and pits a detective against the clock to save his daughter’s life.”

I bet the ancient curse somehow involves the use of rubber vomit. Dangerous Worry Dolls There were worry doll horror movies before this. First up was Dangerous Worry Dolls (2007), this one had the title characters coming out of a swollen hole in your forehead meant for a pineal gland gone wild. (See From Beyond/1986.) Dangerous Worry Dolls Here’s how dangerous these worry dolls are: “While serving time in a brutal women’s detention center. Eva wishes away her troubles to a set of tiny worry dolls. The dolls crawl in her ear at night and soon Eva becomes possessed.” From Beyond And, for those of you with a more sensitive horror stomach, Worry Dolls, featured as an episode on R.L. Stine’s The Haunting Hour: The Series, aired in October of 2013. There were no pineal glands in that one, which is why it sucked. Worry Dolls/Rubber Vomit You can find worry dolls on Etsy™ for $19.95. But you can get yourself outfitted with a timelessly hysterical rubber vomit novelty toy for $7.30 (+ $2.04 shipping) on eBay™. Talk about putting the gag in gag gift. Heh.

Prairie Werewolf

Posted in Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 6, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

 

Prairie Dog

There’s something stalking the vast plains and valleys of Brada County and it’s not scaring the crap outta cows. That’s because the cows are too scared to go out in the fields and make valley patties.

Prairie Dog

This is the framework for Prairie Dog (2015), which has been in the release loop for some time now. Throw in some kids, a lone sheriff, a pair of sociopath criminals on the run and a mysterious beast, and you have an intriguing horror movie. At least I hope it is; the trailers are boring as cows. Nevertheless, reports keep surfacing of a large, shadowed animal roaming the farmlands of the county.

Prairie Dog is no doubt influenced by the REAL Beast of Exmoor and Dartmoor. And just in case you don’t know where Dartmoor is, it’s in South Devon in England.

Beast of Dartmoor

Some think the B of D is a large black cat (i.e., lion/cheetah/jaguar/werewolf), which is f’d up as animals such as this aren’t supposed to be in that part of the world. But then, according to Wikipedia, Dartmoor is known for its “myths and legends and is reputedly the haunt of pixies, a headless horseman, a mysterious pack of “spectral hounds,” and a large black dog, among others.”

And all this time I thought England was as boring as cows.

I Love The Dead

Posted in Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Burying The Ex

Two new horror comedies – one from the U.S. and the other from England – with almost identical plots: girlfriends coming back from the dead to mess with their still living boyfriends who now have new girlfriends. And to further screw with your mind, Life After Beth, a horror zombie comedy released in 2014, has the same plot outline as both these movies.

Burying The Ex

First up is Burying The Ex (2015), which follows Max, an “all-around nice guy, and his overbearing but incredibly beautiful girlfriend, Evelyn. Their relationship takes a nosedive when Evelyn turns out to be a controlling, manipulative nightmare. Max realizes it’s time to call it quits, but there’s just one problem: he’s too afraid to break up with her.”

“Fate steps in when Evelyn is involved in a freak accident and dies, leaving Max single and ready to mingle. Several weeks later, he has a chance encounter with Olivia, a cute and spirited girl who just might be his soul mate. But that same night, Evelyn returns from the grave as a dirt-smeared zombie and she’s determined to live happily ever after with Max…even if that means turning him into one of the undead.”

Um, are they sure that’s dirt she’s smeared with? Looks like something I saw monkeys at the zoo playing with. Good thing movie trailers aren’t filmed in smell-o-vision.

Nina Forever

Made in British Land, Nina Forever (2015) is an “outrageous horror-comedy in which a young man’s romance with his dream girl takes an unexpected turn when Nina, his dead ex-girlfriend, rises from the grave bloody and broken and shows up every time Rob and his new girlfriend make love.”

Nina Forever

This goons out Rob, but I think he’s not seeing some interesting mattress possibilities here.

Life After Beth

In Life After Beth (2014), another boyfriend sees his girlfriend die (from a snakebite) and later come back from the dead. Sure, she seems fine at first. But dead things, living or not, tend to get ripe, if you know what I mean. Think of a potato left out in the rain for, like, a really long time. Ick.

Life After Beth