Archive for haunting

Finding UFOs, Imagined Ghosts, Whiskey Cake

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Scream Queens, Slashers, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 26, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

UFO Detector

Found this old UFO Detector ad and it got me thinking — my old one is on its last legs and I need a new UFO Detector with more buttons and shinier lights. That means it’ll work better.

So did my old UFO Detector — purchased on eBay™ for $800 actually work? Yes and no. Yes, in that it kept detecting things I was cooking (unidentified frying objects). No, in that I was unable to get a refund.

Speaking of getting your money back for bogus products, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not detect anything but how much disposable income you have in your wallet and how few operating brain cells you have left in your head…

The Basement

THE BASEMENT (October 7, 2017/ Shriekfest Film Festival)
“An L.A. serial killer known as The Gemini, tortures and ultimately murders his victims in the dungeon-like basement of his San Fernando Valley home. Gemini has already claimed seven victims, all of whom he has horrifyingly maimed and decapitated with a blowtorch, but Craig Owen, the famed musician who Gemini has chosen for his eighth victim, and Craig’s beautiful wife Kelly prove every bit the killers equal in the art of psychological warfare, giving rise to one of the more diabolical plot twists in recent memory.”

Maimed and decapitated with a blowtorch. Along with peanut butter and olive loaf sandwiches, several words you probably wish to never hear again. But apparently there are enough torture porn freaks out there (looking in your direction every one of you) to make this a mouth-curling viewing experience.

1922

1922 (October 29, 2017/Netflix™)
1922 is based on Stephen King’s 131-page story telling of a man’s confession of his wife’s murder. The tale is told from the perspective of Wilfred James, the story’s unreliable narrator who admits to killing his wife, Arlette, with his son in Nebraska. But after he buries her body, he finds himself terrorized by rats and, as his life begins to unravel, becomes convinced his wife is haunting him.”

Horror author icon Stephen King continues his hot streak with this offering of old time-y ghosts, real or imagined. The rats are real, though. They make up most of the population of Nebraska from what the Internet tells me. I want to believe.

Halloween Pussy Trap KIll! Kill!

HALLOWEEN PUSSY TRAP KILL! KILL! (October 27, 2017)
“On Halloween an all girl rock-n-roll band called Kill Pussy Kill ventures out to play their biggest show to date. However, before hitting the road they manage to unwittingly upset a man. Unfortunately, this man turns out to be an evil genius dead set on revenge and manages to lure the girls into his Hell House. When they wake up from being gassed, they find themselves trapped inside an inescapable room filled with a vicious variety of devices that can kill them as well as a variety of weapons that can be used on each other. The rules are simple: advance through all three rooms and you are allowed to go free. The catch is, in order to make it to the next room, someone must die! With a ticking clock, and the mastermind watching, the question becomes — are you willing to kill to stay alive?”

A nice homage to Russ MeyersFaster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! (1965). That one has voluptuous, sadistic go-go dancers causing all sorts of misc. heckaroo. Halloween Pussy Trap Kill! Kill! sounds like a segment from any one of the Saw movies. I prefer go-go dancers with a penchant for low-cut fashion-ware and purse cutlery.

Impossible Horror

IMPOSSIBLE HORROR (2018)
“Every night a scream rings out in the same neighborhood. Two insomniac strangers, Lily the filmmaker and Hannah the game designer, head out together into the darkness to find the cause. Is it a psychotic killer claiming a new victim? A murderous ghost out for revenge? A flesh-eating monster? All of the above with extra chainsaws? Before they know it, Lily and Hannah have gone from being scream hunters to scream prey, and an evil force wants them dead.  If they can both survive the night, they may just find the answers they’re looking for, but the price will have to be paid in sanity and blood.”

Sounds like another typical night at TGI Fridays™. And yes, “evil force” is on their menu under desserts: Tennessee Whiskey Cake (Toffee cake, candied pecans, vanilla ice cream. Butterscotch Jack Daniel’s® Whiskey sauce.) The price is whatever the going rate for a soul is these days.

Amityville Overdose, Slenderman Diet, Human Popsicles

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 13, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Amityville Horror: A True Story

Just when you think they couldn’t milk one more drop out of the Amityville Horror movie franchise cow, now word comes down the udder that 1974, a movie based on the true murders that happened in the infamous Amityville house, is going into production in September, 2017. This will be the 20th such Amytiville movie since 1979. That’s about 19 too many. (By comparison, the Friday the 13th series steps up to the empty plate with a mere 12 titles. In your hockey mask, Jason — ha!)

From the Internet: “On November 13, 1974, Ronald DeFeo, Jr. shot and killed six members of his family at 112 Ocean Avenue, a large Dutch Colonial house situated in a suburban neighborhood in Amityville, on the south shore of Long Island, NY. He was convicted of second-degree murder in November 1975. In December 1975, George and Kathy Lutz and their three children moved into the house. After 28 days, the Lutzes left the house, claiming to have been terrorized by paranormal phenomena while living there.”

This, of course, was the basis for the first movie. And a good one it was, providing neat jump moments, scary this and thats, a flying pig with glowing eyes (better than it sounds), and a bunch of flies forming a halo around a preachy preacher. (A nod to Alice Cooper on that one.)

So why do we need YET ANOTHER Amityville horror movie? Because apparently there’s a significant number of you out there that weren’t even born when the movie first came out. How is that even possible? Suggestion: If you know how to read, try the Jay Anson book (The Amityville Horror: A True Story/1979) of the horrific account first, though. Bonus: you won’t have to plug it in.

Speaking of things you won’t be able to swipe to the left, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth the flick of the wrist…

Witch's Doll

WITCH’S DOLL (2017)
“Ambitious young true crime writer Adeline Gray travels to a remote English village to unravel the mystery behind a family’s murder. While investigating the prime suspect’s now derelict ‘Manor in the woods’, she notices a creepy life-size Victorian doll is following her from room-to-room. After a series of terrifying and inexplicable events, she believes the doll is carrying a hateful spirit wanting to be left alone. Desperate for a career defining story, Adeline’s persistent search for answers soon puts her too at the mercy of the Witch’s Doll.”

Yep, a complete and utter RIP-OFF of Annabelle, the evil doll from The Conjuring/Annabelle: Creation RIP-OFFS. And it should come as no surprise this comes from The Asylum, who have made a thriving career out of RIPPING OFF other people’s intellectual property. Feeling RIPPED OFF? You should.

Realive

REALIVE (October 3, 2017)
“Marc experiences a terrible shock when, at just 32, he is diagnosed with a disease and is given one year to live, at best. Unable to accept his death, he decides to freeze his body before the disease can impair it. Sixty years later, an institution called Prodigy Health Corporation manages to revive him. Although his return to life comes with many medical complications, his body clings to life. It’s the soul that is harder to heal.”

I’m soulless, so bringing me back from a frozen stasis to remove that pesky purple thing on my neck isn’t an argument. And the whole “human snow cone” thing should fall under my discount medical coverage. It better.

Slenderman

SLENDERMAN (Friday, May 18, 2018)
“A tall, thin horrifying figure with unnaturally long arms and a featureless face, is reputed to be responsible for the haunting and disappearance of countless children and teens.”

Getting rid of kids and teens? Gotta say — I’m already liking this man of slender. If this catches on, what do you bet they’ll come out with the Slenderman Diet program?

Tabbot's Traveling Carnivale of Terror

TABBOT’S TRAVELING CARNIVALE OF TERRORS (October 31 2018)
“This traveling carnival, a well-oiled machine of malignant deception moving into its third generation of grinding up choice guests and spitting them out, runs according to its own twisted family plan. Each Tabbott plays their part: Papa, the ringleader and ringmaster; Mama, the fat witch on her throne; the children: Bobbie, a seductively cunning fortune teller; Buck, the temperamental werewolf; Elijah, a silent scarecrow; and their darling Emma, the ghostly child you’d do well not to ignore.”

Sounds like they’re descendants of 1964’s 2000 Maniacs. In that gruesomely brutal (yet still kinda funny) one, people were lured into a small Deep South town for a Centennial celebration where the residents graphically killed them into picnic-sized portions. Had something to do with revenge, the Civil War and the people who just can’t seem to let the loss go.

Swamp Monsters, Disposable Vampires and Boobs

Posted in Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 16, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Attacked On Set

Six months of non-stop rain and dreariness. Seattle weather could qualify as its own horror movie. So why do I continue to live here instead of, say, the Atacama Desert in South America, the driest desert in the world? For one thing, I would not want sand beetles as neighbors. Too noisy.

Anyway, here’s some stay-indoor upcoming horror movies to help take your mind off the stupid weather…

ATTACKED ON SET (March 21, 2017)
“When these girls lay down, things stand up. A perfect mixture of comedy, gore and campiness with lots of boobs and blood.”

Despite having one of the worst horror movie titles (and press releases) going, I do look forward to the boobular aspect of said dumbly named flick.

Vampire Cleanup Department

VAMPIRE CLEANUP DEPARTMENT (2017)
Vampires have been haunting Hong Kong for centuries. Because of this, hidden in this city is an official special action unit coping with them — the Vampire Cleanup Department (VCD). The street cleaners out at night are actually vampire hunters, their giant garbage bins containing the captured vampires. The ordinary garbage station is their secret headquarter.”

So to get rid of vampires all you have to do is throw ‘em in the garbage? Seems too easy; do you need to have garlic-flavored garbage bags lining said can? Should you throw your silverware in the trash along with said disposable vampires? That begs the question — are vampires recyclable? Hope so. Wouldn’t be cool to have landfills overflowing with discarded vampires.

Swamp Freak

SWAMP FREAK (2017)
“Six college students go into the wetlands to find their missing professor after he takes off in search of the mythical and deadly monster known as the Swamp Freak.”

Not to be confused with Field Freak (2016), which also features a mythical and deadly creature. Maybe they’re cousins.

Mayhem

MAYHEM (2017)
“A virus infects a corporate law office on the day attorney Derek Saunders is framed by a co-worker and wrongfully fired. The infection is capable of making people act out their wildest impulses. Trapped in the quarantined building, our hero is forced to savagely fight tooth and nail for not only his job but his life.”

Time to leave the corporate world and get a job with the less violent Vampire Cleanup Department.

Psychosis, Delusions and Pregnancy

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 16, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dead Story

Been trying to learn new languages by watching foreign horror movies without sub-titles so as to become fluent in Spanish, French, German and the massively challenging Chinese. (I don’t know how people can speak in Chinese without hurting their mouth.) Is it working? Shì hé fǒu.

Anyway, here’s some new simple language horror movies headed your way…

DEAD STORY (January 20, 2017/VOD)
“A young married couple, who after purchasing their first home, realize that either the house is selectively haunting only the wife, or she’s developing a delusional psychosis.”

Neither. It’s just a bad case of buyer’s remorse.

Arbor Demon

ARBOR DEMON (February 2, 2017)
“An adventurous married couple and an injured hunter are held captive inside a claustrophobic tent by a supernatural threat. For an unknown reason, the tent has become their only safe haven. Soon tensions rise and the truth about the attacker is revealed.”

The kicker line, “Don’t Breathe,” is just plain dumb. What, did somebody fart in the tent? If so, was it flatulence born of an expression of extreme fear or freshly consumed raw broccoli? Knowing this will help determine the fright quotient of said stinky emissions.

Prevenge

PREVENGE (February 10, 2017/UK)
“Ruth, a pregnant woman, is on a killing spree. It’s her misanthropic unborn baby dictating Ruth’s actions, holding society responsible for the absence of a father. The child speaks to Ruth from the womb, coaching her to lure and ultimately kill her unsuspecting victims.”

A pregnant woman on a killing spree. Proof that there are no more sacred cows left unslaughtered. And to all female readers, I did NOT just call a pregnant woman a cow, although that could apply around the third trimester. Please don’t killing spree me.

Atomica

ATOMICA (March 17, 2017/Limited; March 21, 2017/VOD)
“In the near future, when communications go offline at a remote nuclear power plant isolated in the desert, a young safety inspector, Abby Dixon, is forced to fly out to bring them back online. Once inside the facility, mysterious clues and strange behaviors cause Abby to have doubts about the sanity, and perhaps identities, of the two employees onsite.”

Yeesh, just unplug the communications, wait 10 seconds, and plug ‘em back in. Rebooting solves 95% of offline errors. As for people going crazy, who among us doesn’t go all psychotic when we can’t get on the Internet?

Ghosts, Strippers, Sharks and Flying Reptiles

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 13, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Peelers

Sometimes watching horror movie trailers is better than watching the entire movie. (I suffer from “don’t bore us, get to the chorus” syndrome.) You get all the money shots, snippets of boneheaded dialogue instead of 90 minutes worth — and more importantly — spoilers.

Titanic

How many movies, horror or not, have been ruined by trailers that, in a two-minute bid to sell you on their product, give away the whole darn thing? (When I watched the trailer for Titanic and they showed the ship hitting an iceberg (or possibly Godzilla) of all things and sinking, that gave away every reason I might have had to see the flippin’ thing.)

Here’s a few upcoming (as of right the heckaroo now) horror movies that might command more of my ever drifting attention span. I SAID MIGHT…

PEELERS (2017)
“A small-town strip club owner must defend her bar from infected raiders on closing night.”

That’s a horror movie? Aren’t most people who go to strip clubs, like, pre-infected? Not me – I take baths, man…sometimes before I go into a T-bar (Mary’s Club in downtown Portland). But if you don’t want to live life to the fullest by experiencing one of these vital institutions, try Strippers vs. Zombies (2008). Wash your hands afterward. To do so before is kinda pointless.

Cage Dive

CAGE DIVE (release pending 2016/2017)
Cage Dive follows three friends from California who set out to film an audition tape for submission to an extreme reality game show. To ensure they stand out, they decide to travel to Australia where they will be documenting themselves taking part in a most extreme activity…shark cage diving. While on the dive, a catastrophic turn of events leaves them in baited water full of hungry great white sharks and turns their audition tape into a survival diary.”

Gotta love shark movies that use real sharks. They probably don’t get paid as much as those snobby Hollywood sharks, though. But if these true-to-life biters are as good on the big screen as they are in the killer trailer, bye-bye to all you Sharknado posers. (Or if you live in France, “poseurs.”).

Unspoken

UNSPOKEN (October 28, 2016)
“In 1997 the close-knit Anderson family vanished from their country home without a trace without an explanation. No bodies were ever found and for 17 years the house has remained undisturbed…until now. A sinister tale of haunting and murder, Unspoken is a refreshing twist on the horror genre.”

No it isn’t. Not being a hater here, but refreshing twists on the horror genre are as likely as me winning the jackpot on the Mega Meltdown™ slot machine at the Tulalip Resort Casino. (Only thing I’ve been able to win is dirty looks from the staff.) But if you want a hot slap in the face of sinister haunting and murder, look no further than The Changeling (1980). Put a stain on/in your Old Navy™ pants, it will.

Terrordactyl

TERRORDACTYL (November 1, 2016)
When a meteor shower rains down outside Los Angeles, friends Lars and Jonas head out to find one and strike it rich. After recovering one they’re stalked by Terrordactyls – ancient flying reptiles – that launch a full-on assault on the city. They soon discover there’s more to the meteor than meets the eye…”

Flying Monkeys / Rodan

Flying monsters rock my world. (Flying Monkeys/2013 – craptacular movie, but hey…FLYING MONKEYS!) My wings tend to flap in the direction of Godzilla frenemy Rodan (1956) for sweet flying reptile city destroying action. But hey, I’ll get a boarding pass for Terrordactyl.

Note: The DVD cover says Terrordactyl, but the kicker line says “They want their planet back.” Somebody needs to put an “s” on that airborn noun.

Post-Puberty Demonic Blues

Posted in Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 10, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Haunting of Molly Hartley

The haunting part of The Haunting of Molly Hartley (2009), a made-for-teen chicks “horror” movie, is in reference to something her parents did while Molly was being born. Given how bland this movie is, a ghost — even a digital one — would’ve been preferable.

The Haunting of Molly Hartley

After mom is rightfully placed in an insane asylum for stabbing her daughter in the chest with a pair of scissors (told, not shown), Molly begins hearing voices in her head. She and dad move to a new town, and Molly attends one of those “everybody dress the same” high schools full of over-privileged snotty classmates who listen to hip hop and dance like dorks.

The Haunting of Molly Hartley

Molly is caught between trying to fit in and being “haunted” by the voices. The school counselor tries helping, but no one believes Molly’s mom has escaped and is coming back to “save her” before she turns 18, which is, like, tomorrow.

The Haunting of Molly Hartley

Confused and distraught, Molly seeks the spiritual guidance of her religious classmate after hearing her escaped mom tell her why she needs to be stabbed in the chest again. Seems Molly was being born prematurely in a bus station bathroom. She was supposed to die, but a mysterious (i.e., evil) woman appeared out of nowhere and offered to save Molly’s life.

The Exorcism of Molly Hartley

With screaming and blood and a stillborn on the way, Molly’s parents agreed and the mysterious (i.e., evil) woman made everything good as new. The price for such a bargain is that Molly’s soul belongs to Satan upon her 18th birthday. Talk about sticker shock.

So what happened to Molly? She had one HELL of a birthday.

The Exorcism of Molly Hartley

P.S. Not sure why, but they made a sequel called The Exorcism of Molly Hartley (2015). That one feature more Molly and less clothes.

P.P.S. So exactly why did I watch a teen horror movie? I just finished Rob Zombie’s 31 (2016) and felt a need to cleanse the palate.

Ghost Back Talk

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 12, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Trace

EVP, or “electronic voice phenomena,” is one of those subjective areas wherein ghost hunters on TV visiting allegedly haunted locations yell at the ghost to do or say something. Of course nothing is audible until they play the tape back and the ghost is telling the pesky paranormal investigators to go shove a microphone.

Trace

Trace, a new horror movie dealing with this aural aspect of hauntings, is now available on your platform of choice, and hope to fill your home with the cussing of ghosts:

Trace

“One night at a party, a group of friends experiment with trace phenomena – a form of electronic voice phenomena. However, one by one the friends begin dying and soon realize a door to a horrific realm has been opened. It’s a race against time and demonic forces to sever the transmission save themselves and prevent the demon from entering our world.”

White Noise

For more conversations with the evil and the dead, give White Noise (2005) a visual listen. Or, you could just read my review by clicking this connection to the otherworld. Long distance charges may apply.