Cartoon Werewolves, Magic Cameras, Cruel Tools

Archie Comics™ was first published in 1939 (as MLJ Magazines™) and has been in print every since. If my Internet math lessons serve me correctly, that’s 83 years as of this blogging. And during that time, the freckle-faced teen Archie Andrews has never graduated Riverdale High School (except that time he dropped acid with his drug dealer Jughead Jones and hallucinated he made it to college, only to drop out and drop more acid). He started a band, had one hit thrash metal song (“Sugar Sugar”) in 1969, and has only nailed Veronica Lodge and Betty Cooper, the two competitive hotties in constant battle to win Archie’s affections, in G-rated fashion. Disappointing.

But what if Archie and pals were recast in a horror comic? Sure, it’s been done before (Jughead: The Hunger, Afterlife With Archie, Vampironica, Archie’s Madhouse, Archie & Friends: Twilight, Archie At Crystal Lake), but now there’s YET ANOTHER ONE titled Happy Horror Days O.S., a two-issue treatment (and two different covers) with the gang going up against Krampus and more. Here are the gripping details… 

“T’was the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring not even a…werewolf? The holidays look a little different in Riverdale this year — Santa’s nowhere in sight but Krampus is on the rampage! Who can take him down? That’s right, WereJug returns to do battle with the horned and hoofed holiday beast with Betty Cooper in his corner! Then, we dive into the true story of the Icelandic yule cat, Jólakötturinn, and her master — Sheila Wu! Finally, Reggie meets a nice girl that he takes to the Mantle family holiday party — but things aren’t as they seem when she systematically dismantles Reggie’s life! The holidays are horrifying in this special horror anthology, that reunites the team of Jughead: the Hunger!”

In all, 32 pages of teenage horror (kinda redundant). Get ‘em here for $3.99. That’s less than Archie would pay on a non-base scoring date with Veronica/Betty. So while you’re making room in your vast collection of Archie Comics™ for two more, here a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have blood flowing as colorful as comic book ink… 

LANDLOCKED / January 6, 2023 (VOD)

“Summoned to his soon-to-be demolished childhood home, Mason discovers an old VHS camera that can see into the past, driving him to record as many memories as possible before the doomed house is destroyed.”

Personally, I’d just set up the camera on a bar top, order refreshing adult beverages until last call and hit the record button. Lather, rinse, repeat.

HUMAN RESOURCES / January 10, 2023 (VOD)

“After starting a job at a creepy hardware store, Sam Coleman uncovers a shocking mystery involving a missing employee. With the help of Sarah, a cynical coworker, Sam plunges into the dark corners of the store and is forced to confront the terrifying forces that lurk just behind the walls.”

Of course terrifying forces lurk there. Hardware stores are one-stop shopping for theme-masked serial killers purchasing essential tools of their trade: trowel with ergonomic grip, reciprocating saw with double-edged bore blade for multidirectional cuts and rounded end for easy plunge cutting, garden hose with adjustable nozzles… A veritable candy land for those in the business of butchering wanting to up their game and add a little pizzazz to their profession.

65 / March 10, 2023 (Theaters)

“After a catastrophic crash on an unknown planet, pilot Mills quickly discovers he’s stranded on Earth…65 million years ago. Now, with only one chance at rescue, Mills and the only other survivor, Koa, must make their way across an unknown terrain riddled with dangerous prehistoric creatures in an epic fight to survive.”

65 million years into the past? Man, that would totally suck — 7-Elevens™ didn’t exist until 1927. That’s a long time to wait for a Mountain Dew Slurpee®.

RAVAGE NATION / Release pending 2023 (DVD)

“In 2036, CV5 was born. A stronger strain, vaccine resistance. Mothers gave birth to hybrid creatures and mutations. Others had zombie-like qualities. A mere bite or scratch and within 12 seconds you were turned. This was the new normal. Beasts hunt man for food and sport.”

Makes sense to hunt man for food and sport. You don’t wanna keep one of those messy things around as a house pet. Just cleaning the litter box alone would make you sick to your stomach.

Yule Goat, Ghost Motor Lodge, Spectral Sex

If you wanna send out Christmas or “holiday” cards that really stand out among the sea of seasonal throat gagging Hallmark™ sappy crap, then you need a set or two of these fantastical Creepy Christmas greeting cards (5”x7” with red envelopes) from the fantastically talented Mister Sam Shearon. Why have Santa, Christmas trees, elves and those “why won’t they just go away?” Nutcracker dude depictions when you can have Rabid Rudolph, King Krampus, The Snow Queen, and the Yule Goat?

As featured on Mister Shearon’s website, you can get three different sets of 13 for $25 each, or all three sets combined for $65. I recommend this all-in-one collection because why the stinkin’ heck not? Who wouldn’t want to go to their mailbox and pull out a card that Hell (i.e., you) sent them, with horrifyingly cool depictions of Santa Claws, Gryla, Nuuttipukki (the great black goat-man), Mari Lwyd (the haunting horse of Welsh folklore), and Creepy Snowmen? These dreadfully awesome illustrations scream, “Up your chimney, traditional Christmas-y stuff!”

You may recognize Mister Shearon’s work in the rock and metal scene. He’s done art for Slayer, Rob Zombie, Ministry, Rammstein, Filter, HIM and Iron Maiden. He’s also designed cover artwork for The X-Files comic-book series, Judge Dredd, Starhenge and Clive Barker’s Hellraiser. So cool as to be beyond cool. 

While you click this pathway to a better holiday season, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not make your seasonal throat gag… 

THE ETERNAL DAUGHTER / December 2, 2022 (Theaters)

“Now a middle-aged adult, Julie hopes to reconnect with her elderly, estranged mother by traveling to a sentimental destination. Their vacation lands them at a hotel, one that contains a mysterious presence.”

Depending on the hotel, the mysterious presence could be anything from a gaudily-uniformed bellboy lurking outside your door for a tip, or a disturbing brownish stain on the vibrating Mattress Barn™ Sleep Innovations Hybrid Pro™.

DREAMS OF DARKNESS / December 8, 2022 (VOD)

“Devastated by the disappearance of his wife, Derek Fabry enters a nightmarish world of the occult, erotic evil, and supernatural seduction as he tries to unravel the mystery of her vanishing.”

The words “erotic evil” and “supernatural seduction” aren’t what most of us would associate with being nightmarish. More like a Happy Hour for the open-minded. Or a back seat date with any of the last call gals at the Tug Tavern.

CRAVING / January 1, 2023 (VOD)

“After a drug deal goes south, four heroin addicts barricade themselves in a bar as the cops close in. Withdrawal sets in, further complicating their hostage situation, while a secret one of them is hiding could destroy them all.”

Heroin addicts barricading themselves in a bar? Wouldn’t in make more sense to hole up in a pharmacy? People who do ILLEGAL drugs are DUMB.

INSIDIOUS: THE DARK REALM / July 7, 2023 (Theaters)

“Ten years after he first ventured into the Further, Josh Lambert heads east to drop his son Dalton off at an idyllic, ivy-covered university. However, Dalton’s college dream becomes a nightmare when the repressed demons of his past suddenly resurface.”

I’ve been to the Upside Down, but not the Further. Too far away. And Uber™ charges twice the regular rate to take you there. Best just to hitchhike to the Tug Tavern and call it a day. P.S. Conflictingly, this is also titled Insidious: Fear of the Dark. This has shattered my belief system in the Internet right in half.

Krampus Gifts, Teen Demons, Witch Grandmas

Looking for a way to make Christmas, birthdays and everyday more filled with horror than they already are? Then you need to check out Spooky Cat Press (click here) and peruse tons of awesome horror and horror movie-themed stuff, from gift wrap, greeting cards and coffee mugs (you could legally put cold booze in ’em if so desired), to clothing, phone cases and decor, which I believe is French for “decoration.” From their website: “Spooky Cat Press is an artist-owned Gothic & Horror shop with all the essentials for spooky gifting.”

Just in time for the holidays is a killer line of greeting cards: Horror Christmas, Zodiac Christmas, Halloween Christmas, Krampus Christmas and Zombie Christmas. And it doesn’t stop there — you can get cards for Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Gothic Witch, Tiki, and so much more, you’ll make giddy in your pants. I just bought the eight-piece Krampus Folklore Cards box set (only $16.75). Tomorrow I’ll tap into whatever’s left of my 401k to grab the Zombie Santa Cards set as well. Then I’ll go wash my pants.

So while you take most of the day to go through Spooky Cat Press’ vast catalog of coolness, here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not make you have to wash your pants… 

13 EXORCISMOS / Out now (VOD)

“After the strange behavior displayed by teenager Laura Villegas, her family calls a Vatican-sanctioned exorcist to intervene in the case of demonic possession. From there a series of strange phenomena appear.

Why the fuss? Demonic possession is merely a part of being a teen.

JACK & JILL: THE HILLS OF HELL / Out now (VOD), January 10, 2023 (DVD)

“While searching for her missing daughter, a woman discovers that Jack and Jill are fetching more than buckets of water.”

A horror movie based on a nursery rhymes from the 18th Century. Can’t wait for a horror movie based on “There once was a man from Nantucket…”

EVIL EYE (aka MAL DE OJO) / Out now (VOD)

“Nala, a thirteen-year-old girl from the city, travels with her family to her grandmother’s home in the countryside to try to find a cure for her little sister’s mysterious illness. But she’ll soon find her granny is not exactly what she seems.”

Granny is not exactly what she seems? Either “she’s” a cross-dressing grandpa or a wrinkled witch who makes killer cookies. Hope it’s both. (Okay, all of that was just…weird.)

8 FOUND DEAD / Pending release 2022/2023

“Two couples drive to a secluded house in the desert for a weekend getaway; each with their own baggage, expectations, and secrets. Upon their arrival, each couple is met by two strangers, claiming to have rented the house as well. A couple of local sheriffs help the audience navigate the depraved and violent events of the evening, but what starts out as a ‘simple misunderstanding’ ends in an all-night bloodbath.”

All-night bloodbath. Sounds like a typical Saturday night at the Tug Tavern.

Hellish Sex, Christmas Death Kiss, Gourd Goo

You always want to look your best for Halloween, despite your skin’s tendency to freshness-expire. And you can do that with Andalou Naturals™ Pumpkin Honey Glycolic Brightening Mask, originally $16.00, now for $13.00 on Amazon™ a discount of three wallet-stuffing dollars. Rejuvinated face AND savings? Where do I add to the shopping cart and checkout?

From the product’s description: “Andalou Naturals™ Pumpkin Honey Glycolic Brightening Mask combines this powerhouse ingredient with powerful glycolic acid to slough off dull skin cells and leave your skin looking smooth and fresh. It also contains nourishing manuka honey to keep your skin feeling soft. You can feel especially good about slathering this on your face, as the ingredients are all hypoallergenic, organic, vegetarian, and cruelty-free.”

And it works! Check out my pic after using the Pumpkin Honey Glycolic Brightening Mask™ according to directions…

While you’re exfoliating all over your shirt, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your face as smooth (and carveable) as a glycolic acid-coated pumpkin…

MISTLETOE MASSACRE / December 23, 2022 (VOD)

“Marion Callevero has her guest list checked twice to host the company Christmas event, but gifts quickly turn to gore. This struggling staff has been invited to the party but no one will be returning home for the holidays.”

I don’t know what’s worse — the movie’s ad copy or the plot.

THERE’S SOMETHING IN THE BARN / Pending release 2023 (VOD)

“A typical American family inherits a farm in the Norwegian mountains and crosses paths with a tricky creature from Nordic folklore, the Barn Elf. The family must avoid incurring the wrath of this gnome-like Santa by eschewing all bright lights and loud noises and making sure to leave a bowl of porridge on Christmas Eve.”

Barn Elf. That’s…different. A well-placed pitchfork, though, could put a stop to all that porridge-sacrificing.

ON THE EDGE / Pending release 2022/2023

“Family man Peter gets more than he paid for when he books a 36-hour session with the sadistic Mistress Satana, who seems more intent on making him suffer for his sins. Is it blackmail? Is it torture? Or is it the Devil come for his soul? Will Peter’s faith save him from his own personal Hell or is he already damned? A brilliant depiction of how Kink Culture can heal past trauma and be a source for shocking redemption.”

A 36-hour session with an S&M Dominatrix? Do you get lunch and/or crying breaks in-between bouts of BDSM, enema play (ick) or “Kinbaku”? (Look it up.) Will the “Contrapolar Stimulation” leave hickey marks on your abused bared bottom? Does the “Apple of Pain” go in your fruit bowl? This movie needs to do a lot more explaining. 

OBSTACLE CORPSE / Pending release, 2022

“A teen out to prove herself to her dad stumbles into the world’s most terrifying obstacle course.”

Sounds like the TV show Wipeout™, but with (hopefully) gasoline-powered sharp things, bear trap-filled bouncy tents and thumbtack covered alligators in the water below where your lifeless body will eventually end up. That could be a ratings juggernaut.

Cute Cyborgs, Christmas Carnage, Ghosts Aplenty

Hard to believe it’s been 25 years/countless slaughtered teens ago that Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday (August 13, 1993) splattered across movies screens and into our hearts. And what a better way to commemorate that non-recognized postal holiday than with a documentary about it.

From the press release: “The film will be giving viewers a never-before-seen in-depth look at the most infamous Jason film of all time. Through interviews and behind the scenes details, you will understand the unique landscape the series was in at the time, having just changed studios and already being on the road to the eventual Freddy vs Jason (August 13, 2003) film which wouldn’t see release for another 8 years. And you will see genre greats, both who were in the film and not, weigh in on Jason’s journey to hell.”

Sounds like a big bowl of warm ice cream for the eyes. No official word on when this thing is supposed to premier, but a fair guess would be soon-ish-esque. So while we wait for it like we have to go to the bathroom really bad, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your bladder splatter…

THE KEEPING HOURS (available now)
“Mark, a successful attorney, returns to his old house after the tenants skipped out on rent. While there he experiences a supernatural event that forces him to reach out to his ex-wife. Ten years after their son’s death, a ghost will help reunite the estranged couple and deliver a message of life or death.”

Geez, they all but tell you who the ghost is. Why don’t the filmmakers just tell me what I’m getting for Christmas — and there better be twelve of ‘em, if you catch my drift.

DIANE (September 17, 2018)
“Steve’s lingering physical and emotional scars from the war in Afghanistan plunge him into a soulless routine. He continues his drab existence until the corpse of a beautiful singer, Diane, is dumped in his backyard, shaking him back to reality. Steve takes a photo of her before calling the police and soon he becomes obsessed with the dead woman’s image. Steve is scrutinized by the police, becoming the prime suspect hassled by Diane’s widower, and attacked by self-righteous neighbors. Before long, the malevolent ghost of Diane begins to work a dark spell that leads Steve to strange and startling revelations.”

Caught someone dumping an old couch in the alley behind my apartment. Better that than a corpse. But still, you can’t toss it in Elliott Bay? It’s deep enough to hold 10,000 old couches. (FYI: If you see one bobbing around with a KISS sticker on it, I may or may not know who it belongs to. Ahem.)

MRS. CLAUS (November 13, 2018)
“A group of college students attending a Christmas party at a sorority house that has a sinister past are stalked by a bloodthirsty killer disguised as Mrs. Claus.”

After living in Santa’s fat shadow for all these years, it’s nice to see Mrs. Claus finally get her day in the sun, even if it is an impostor posing as her.

ALITA: BATTLE ANGEL (December 21, 2018)
“This is a science fiction movie about a robot called Alita. Set several centuries in the future, the abandoned Alita is found in the scrapyard of Iron City by Ido, a compassionate cyber-doctor who takes the unconscious cyborg Alita to his clinic. When Alita awakens, she has no memory of who she is, nor does she have any recognition of the world she finds herself in. As Alita learns to navigate her new life and the treacherous streets of Iron City, Ido tries to shield her from her mysterious past.”

The future is so advanced, now they have homeless robots. Looks like some things will never change.

Fingernail Monsters, Rubber Killers, Haunted Pancakes

Lots of towns across the classroom map have annual charity haunted house events during the Halloween cash-in season. But Seattle, where I stash my empties, has a haunted morgue. Specifically, the Georgetown Morgue, a once refrigerated storage place to prep and primp corpses, in thriving business from 1928 to 1983. It’s since been turned into an extremely popular (and expensive) haunted house attraction every late September/early November.

What else makes this place so legendary cool is that it’s right next door to Hudson, a tiny breakfast/lunch/dinner/drinketeria, that’s so popular for its legendary pancakes (thicker than the plates they’re served on), if you don’t get there early, you’ll end up waiting in a line that stretches right to the Georgetown Morgue. The irony being that if you eat enough of those highly addictive chunky monkey pancakes, you’ll eventually end up in the morgue. (Blame the whole sticks of butter and overflowing quarts of syrup that come with each meal.)

The 2017 Georgetown Morgue Halloween schedule starts September 22 and runs through November 4. Standard nights will set you back a spooky $33.00 (Sunday through Thursday) and an adjusted value of $43.00 for prime Fridays and Saturdays — and that’s the VIP speedy line. (FYI: this will get you nine pancakes at Hudson — tip extra.)

While you wait in line to get in both the Georgetown Morgue and Hudson, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to help keep your appetite for butter batter and syrup buckets full…

CLAWED (available now)
“Annie, a college student travels to the rugged backwoods of Montana to the home of legendary lawman Sheriff Randell Reynolds, where she will interview him for her paranormal podcast. The ex-lawman gives her a first-hand account of the horrific events known throughout the region as the notorious Montana Bear Claw Massacre.”

This one was earlier/tentatively titled, Sludge. Gotta say, there’s something very satisfying about that word. Maybe because it can be applied to a variety of social situations/church services. So do they come up against a giant donut (Bear Claw, get it?) Doing battle with a monstrous pastry in the woods seems like it’d be pretty cool. I’m totally gonna try it.

CULT OF CHUCKY (October 3, 2017/VOD/DVD)
Confined to an asylum for the criminally insane for the past four years, Nica Pierce is erroneously convinced that she, not Chucky, murdered her entire family. But when her psychiatrist introduces a new therapeutic “tool” to facilitate his patients’ group sessions — an all-too-familiar ‘Good Guy’ doll with an innocently smiling face — a string of grisly deaths begins to plague the asylum, and Nica starts to wonder if maybe she isn’t crazy after all.

Andy Barclay, Chucky’s now-grown-up nemesis from the original Child’s Play, races to Nica’s aid. But to save her he’ll have to get past Tiffany, Chucky’s long-ago bride, who will do anything, no matter how deadly or depraved, to help her beloved devil doll.”

Man, they’ve milked this cow hard. The first Child’s Play movie came out in 1988 — and now nearly 30 years and six sequels later, we’re still wondering how this happened. It’s like that joke you heard in elementary school that you keep repeating in bars/cocktail lounges as an adult. (Okay, guilty as charged. But dang, if the joke about the guy stumbling into a joke writer’s convention still kills me. If you don’t know how it goes, happy to re-tell it for the one millionth time.)

FOUND FOOTAGE 3D (October 26, 2017/Shudder)
“A group of low-budget filmmakers sets out to make ‘the first 3D found footage horror film,’ but find themselves in the first 3D found footage horror film when the evil entity from their movie escapes into their behind-the-scenes footage.”

You knew it was gonna end up this way. The karaoke of consumer-made “horror movies,” found footage has become such a painful joke, they’re gonna make you wear stupid cardboard “3D” glasses to watch their stupid concept. If the evil entity was smart, it’d not only escape the movie, but get on the next Bolt™ bus outta town.

CLAWS (2017)
Not to be confused with the 1977 nature-gone-wild horror movie or TV series that I won’t watch of the same name. That said, AMP Entertainment posted a developMENTAL trailer on YouTube™ back in April of 2014. Lost track of it since, until I recently stumbled right over it on the Internet of all places. Now it’s supposed to come out Christmas of 2017, which is like Halloween for Christians.

As the story goes a young kid, hiding behind the Christmas tree in hopes of discovering Santa’s secret identity (Saint Nick’s more of a home invasion kind of guy), watches as a “something” slaughters his family right before his peepers. Is it that super mean Krampus dude? Is it a holiday monster with some sort of “claw” instead of gift-wrapping fingers? Whatever the case, it didn’t take the cookies and milk that were left out, which means it’s more of a fresh meat fella. Have to wait a few more weeks to find out.

Vampire Volcanoes, Christmas Zombies, Kaiju Sequels

Feeling super dissed about the TV series Van Helsing basing their vampire outbreak/resurgence on a super volcano (or “caldera”) that goes off in Yellowstone, which spans Wyoming, parts of Montana and Idaho. In the series’ second show the volcano pops its top and leaves a “black rain” of gunky ash all over Seattle and blocking out the sun, thus vampires. This is due to the direction the wind was blowing at the time the volcano was doing the same thing.

The thing that really sets my pyroclastic flow a’flowin’ is that we already have FIVE volcanoes within GoPro™ distance from downtown Seattle, the two most notable being Mt. Rainier (where flying saucers were first spotted flying in carnival formation in 1947), and the feisty Mount St. Helens, which went off back in May 18 of 1980, and has been declared as “the most disastrous volcanic eruption in United States history.”

To the best of my knowledge, neither volcano unleashed a vampiric plague on this or any other city, and eventually the world — but they COULD HAVE. Why give all the credit to Yellowstone, which is 739.5 miles away (via I-90 West), when we can practically hitchhike to our own dang volcanoes? They can have all the Sharknados they want, but any plague/vampire/zombie/chapped lipped outbreak should come from here, not some overpriced park nearly 1,000 miles away.

Until I can form a formal rally against Yellowstone (feel free to donate to the cause), you can pass the time waiting for a vampire outbreak with these upcoming horror/sci-fi movies…

VOLUMES OF BLOOD: HORROR STORIES (available now)
“The story of this one centers around a young couple checking out a house for sale and taking the grand and gory tour given by a sketchy real estate agent. As they go through each room of the house, we’re able to see through flashbacks, the horrors that once unfolded and burned into the house’s horrible history. If those walls could talk, they wouldn’t; They would be traumatically catatonic. Each tragedy is associated with a holiday or some sort of special day which gives great context of each story.”

Love the premise. If my walls could talk, they’d probably tell me to give ’em a new coat of paint. Note to stupid walls: go sand yourself.

AMSTERDAMNED (August 29, 2017)
“A half-mad scuba diver hiding in Amsterdam’s labyrinthine canal system embarks on a rampage of gruesome murders, terrifying city officials and leaving few clues for the city’s best detective, who doesn’t suspect that both his new girlfriend and 12 year-old daughter may be closer than he is to finding the killer.”

Half-mad scuba diver should tell you everything you need to know about this cookie cutter Dutch-made slasher flick, which came out in its native zip code back in 1988. Now you can dog paddle watching it for the first time in the U.S. when it gets its official release here with all the bells and whistles. It’s aged about as well as me.

ANNA AND THE APOCALYPSE (Scotland/2017)
“Anna’s life is dominated by the typical concerns of her youthful peers until the Christmas season in her small town brings not Santa, but an outbreak of the undead in this genre-mashing holiday horror musical.”

There it is — two words that should never be paired to describe a movie: horror musical. The holiday undead? Fine. Everything else? All yours, Scotland.

PACIFIC RIM: UPRISING (new release date: March 23, 2018)
“It has been 10 years since The Battle of the Breach and the oceans are still, but restless. Vindicated by the victory at the Breach, the Jaeger program has evolved into the most powerful global defense force in human history. The PPDC now calls upon the best and brightest to rise up and become the next generation of heroes when the Kaiju threat returns.”

Finally the official plot, though I believe the above key art is fan made (check out the movie’s release date — FAIL) and not issued officially. (If you’re gonna have giant monsters fighting giant robots, I’m thinkin’ you may wanna include that in some form or fashion.) Disclosure: I’ve been a part of the Jaeger program every since downing my first shot. Drinking a bottle of Jaegermeister™ makes me wanna fight giant monsters and…well, pretty much anything that looks at me sideways. (I’m gunning for that stupid table lamp that always seems to be mocking me.)

Die Kill Bleed Jubilee

Four more new ones as of today to throw on the “I’ll watch ’em when I get to ’em” backlogged fire.

Speaking of, maybe I should fire up a crowd-funding campaign to buy more TVs so I can watch five horror movies at the same time. (Some might call that “multi-tasking.”) I’ll also need extra cash for snacks and adult beverages as well. Help me reach my goal, won’t you?

KRAMPUS: UNLEASHED (November 1, 2016 / VOD – December 13, 2016 / DVD)
“In pursuit of a lost treasure a group of fortune hunters mistakenly unearth an ancient demonic summoning stone that holds a terrible curse and awakens a timeless evil — the Krampus.”

Gotta say, even with all these Krampus movies of late, I’m still diggin’ evil K’s groove. Here’s a guy who punishes you during the holidays, not like that annoyingly gleeful other guy who rewards your unsatisfactory behavior with dry cookies and hand-knitted sweaters. I bet Santa takes uppers.

THE DARK STRANGER (available now)
While recovering from a recent traumatic event and afraid to leave her own home. As part of her therapy she begins drawing a graphic novel in which an ominous Dark Stranger pursues a lonely girl doll, across a foreboding fairy tale landscape. As the novel progresses Leah begins to see the Dark Stranger in real life. At first she isn’t sure if she is completely losing her mind, or if the Stranger is a deadly supernatural force trying to destroy her.”

Let me get this straight — you draw an evil entity and it comes to life? Time to sharpen my crayons and get to sketchin’ a self-portrait – I have pressing need for another evil me.

THE PURGING HOUR (available now)
“With the hopes of a new life for his family, Bruce Diaz left the harsh city for the serene mountains of California. Upon arrival to their new home the Diaz family fell victim to one of the most horrific crimes in history. With no serviceable evidence being retrieved, the case was eventually dismissed. Several years later, the family’s personal home movie footage was released by an anonymous source.”

Sounds like YET ANOTHER found footage flick featuring unendurable characters with hand-held video cameras with batteries that have a longer life span than the people holding ’em. 

MASSACRE ON AISLE 12 (November 4, 2016)
“As a hardware store begins to close, a duffel bag of cash is found, but so is a body. Now, the employees must decide what to do with both items. Should they turn the cash in, or go on a Christmas shopping spree? Events take an even bloodier turn when the employees turn on each other.

They should donate the money to my crowd-funding page to help me buy five TVs in order to watch more horror movies more often. (I have one TV, but could use back-up in case the power goes out.)