Archive for supermodel

Eye Eaters

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 28, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Raiders of the Damned

Thanks to WWIII, most of the planet has been turned into a zombie-inhabited post-apocalyptic house party. That’s because slickly-named Agent X-9 (military bio-warfare chemical stuff) mutated with the war’s nuclear fall-out, causing everyone to break out into eyeball-eating zombies.

Raiders of the Damned

A helicopter, carrying the lead scientist who is mankind’s last hope of finding a cure to this icky condition, crashes in the Zombie Zone, a compound ruled by undead army guys who can talk, think, strategize and wait for fresh eyeballs to hit the market. One undead soldier even carries a spoon to scoop out the yummy delicacy.

Raiders of the Damned

Dr. Lewis, going mad after being forced to live underground for years, needs to get Dr. Wells off the zombie menu. So he pardons four badass military prisoners to go get him. If they succeed, they’re free to do what ev. If they don’t… (Yes, this is almost the same plot for Escape From New York/1981.) Using a device that allows the special ops squad to walk through walls, they breach the zombie quarantine zone, which looks a lot like Lord of the Rings’ Helmsdeep (2001), but way more digital-y.

Raiders of the Damned

They do battle with the living dead in various stages of decay, all of whom look like discount community haunted house actors. Colonel Crow commands the zombie army and he talks and talks and talks… You almost want him to put some human in his mouth so he’ll shut the hell up. Capt. Dewey Crenshaw, coming to retrieve Wells, leads his small troop, consisting of a supermodel who prefers a sword to laser guns, a big oaf called Flex (who looks like Hulk Hogan’s homeless cousin) and another chick who becomes zombie food so as to illustrate the hazards of their mission.

Raiders of the Damned

A sub-plot that doesn’t get explored is that Agent X-9 is like Viagra™ to the zombies. A captured blonde scientist thus becomes an experiment herself, with Col. Crow giving her a Dizzy Pass™ on the zombie log ride in order to see what the by-product of a human and a zombie would be. I’m guessing a film critic.

Raiders of the Damned

The zombies need Wells to halt the decomposition process. Crenshaw needs Wells to gain his freedom. Some make it out, some don’t. Except for the eyeball-scooping scene, all other limb and head severing is digital, meaning no one actually gets an arm or a head cut off. Boring.

The ending of Raiders of the Damned (2005) is both predictable and stupid and will make you feel like scooping out your own eyeballs with a dinner spoon. But don’t use a dessert spoon — it’s too small and your eyeball will likely roll off onto the floor. And yes, the three-second rule about eating stuff that’s fallen on the floor applies.

Skin vs Fur – A Fashion Statement

Posted in Misc. Horror, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 26, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Pelts

Rotund rocker Meat Loaf stars in Pelts (2006) as a furrier who runs a sweat shop (his shirt could count as one), and gets coat-making raccoon skins from a trapper. The trapper gets his raccoons from the woods. The raccoons are watched over by an old woman who lives in a shack and hasn’t mowed her lawn in years. She’s no doubt behind the curse that befalls anyone who takes the “pine lights,” a reference to the raccoons, whose eyes glow in the dark, the only part of ’em you can see when they’re up the trees ready to jump on your head get poison all over you.

Pelts

Meat Loaf frequents a strip club where he’s totally sprung on a supermodel dancer. But she won’t give up the good stuff because he’s fat and icky. He promises her a fur coat so awesome, she’ll do it with him, just you wait and see.

Pelts

A call from the trapper has Meat traveling way out in the woods to evaluate this so-called “best fur you’ve ever seen.” There’s a joke in there somewhere. When he gets there, he finds the trapper and his assistant dead, one of ’em with his face severed in half…length-wise. That’s what happens when you voluntarily put your head in a bear trap.

Pelts

Meat finds the fur and is simply aghast — this is indeed the best fur he’s ever seen. And he’s been to a LOT of strip clubs. (Heh.) Taking the pelts, he gets his workers busy making the coat. But during the night the curse kicks in and one worker sews her eyes, nose and mouth shut, thereby suffocating herself. Instant job opening.

Pelts

Meat takes the completed wrap to the stripper. It’s the best fur she’s ever seen, and she’s danced in a LOT of strip clubs. Trying it on, she gets all fuzzy inside and offers herself to the Meat. He takes it. But he’s not done, uh, showering her with gifts. He goes into the bathroom where a meat cleaver sits. All strippers have these kinds of knives in case they get a knot in their work bikini.

Pelts

With skilled precision, Meat slices into his arms and stomach and, in an inspired moment, pulls his own skin off as though it were a seamless shirt. He gives it to the stripper who doesn’t want it. (Probably not her size.) But a chase into an old elevator ends with arms and legs being severed and no one left to try on the skin shirt. Too bad — it looks like you could wear it with just about anything.

Bigfoot’s Girlfriend

Posted in Bigfoot, Fantasy, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 19, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Tanya's Island

Tanya is a big city supermodel whose artist boyfriend has hair-trigger anger issues. He wants her to go away. She doesn’t want to go away. Instead, she fantasizes about the two of them on a deserted island, where clothes have no meaning and there are bananas everywhere, some even for eating.

Tanya's Island

While exploring the island, Tanya happens across a grotto that serves as a rent-free apartment for Blue, a lonely Bigfoot (or “island gorilla”) with more bananas than he could hope for. (Intermission: Tanya names him Blue because the ape’s eyes are that color. “Grotto” would be a better name for a gorilla. Just sayin’.)

Tanya's Island

Tanya develops a friendship with Blue, which taps into the jealous rage anger of Lobo, her mood swingin’ boyfriend. His temper is as bad as his name, which seems like it would be more suitable on a can of chewing tobacco. He sees the odd couple beauty and beastin’ it without him, so he traps Blue in a remarkably sturdy bamboo cage (i.e., island jail). What follows is a series of LOL moments punctuated by Tanya’s liberal nudity.

Tanya's Island

Lobo war paints his face, goes all Rambo crazy, and he and Blue get into a prolonged dust up, fighting for Tanya’s bounty. Blue manages to imprison Lobo in his own cell and makes off with Tanya, who by now is fed up with both her boyfriends’ behavior. She tells Lobo, “Go away, I don’t want to be with either of you,” like being in a relationship with a gorilla was an option. Blue responds by chasing her through the jungle. He must’ve tripped, because he fell right on top of her bare bottom and seemed to get stuck there. Gee, I hope he’s okay.

Tanya's Island

All this fun, and yet the best moment is was watching Tanya in waist deep water trying to catch fish with a bow and arrow. Tanya, btw, is Vanity, who later became Prince’s girlfriend. Too bad the monkey didn’t learn how to play guitar.

Tanya's Island

P.S. You can find the horror-esque fantasy Tanya’s Island (uncensored) on YouTube™.  I’m not promising I won’t tell your mom of your perverse viewing habits.

Sea Monster and Swimwear

Posted in Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 9, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Loreley's Grasp

Local legend has it that the Loreley, a reptile creature with a taste for human hearts (ick), comes every seven moons (206 days) and seeks out those with human hearts. Whew — I’m safe!

The Loreley's Grasp

The night before her wedding a hot redhead is trying on her veil and negligee when a reptile creature jumps through her second-story (!) window and rips out her heart. I’m wondering if that was the Loreley everyone’s talking about?

The Loreley's Grasp

This freaks out the nearby all-girl supermodel boarding school, run by an uptight but seriously smokin’ hot redhead. Her eyes seem too big for her face, but it didn’t goon me out. So the mayor hires a freelance hunter to protect the supermodels.

The Loreley's Grasp

Enter the extreme handsome, Sirgurd. Despite his crazy name, he looks like Engelbert Humperdink and dresses like Tom Jones. And he’s packin’ heat — a high-caliber rifle. A plan is implemented to go scuba diving in the Rhine in hopes to find the reputed cave the Loreley lives in. You know what this means — a chance for Sirgurd to take off his shirt.

The Loreley's Grasp

The Loreley’s three helper chicks fight over who gets to have sex with Sigurd (wouldn’t you?) and in the process let him escape. Loreley in reptile form has really dry hands, but her nails look good. She wears a cloak to hide her face, which is similar to that of a large plastic piranha. Sirgy knows what he has to do — make stab happen and then go make out with the chicks. (Wouldn’t you?)

The Loreley's Grasp

The Loreley’s Grasp has pretty cool gore and boobies and Sirgy action for a 1974 foreign movie with dubbed dialogue. I wish I knew where the treasure cave with three bikini-adorned helper chicks lived, though. Then I’d go visit them. Often, as it turns out. Hey, swimming is good for you. The Internet says so.

Ancient Greek Cow Thing

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 2, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Minotaur

In Greek mythology (what Greek isn’t mythology?) a Minotaur is a half bull/half man creature that originally dwelt (that’s such a cool word) at the center of the Labyrinth, an elaborate underground maze built for King Minos of Crete (that total penis owes me after I spotted him some drachma), and designed by the architect Daedalus to hold the barnyard curiosity.

Minotaur

He and his son Icarus (that guy in the Iron Maiden song) built it so Minotaur could dwelt in it. They tried to make a movie of this HISTORICALLY-PROVEN FACT, with Tony Todd (Candyman with war paint on his stomach) as the local warlord king who sacrifices teenagers to the Minotaur Cow Thing.

Minotaur

In a nearby village a guy’s girlfriend was taken to be chucked into the Labyrinth. So much for a second date with boobie-feeling privileges. He and a bunch of other villagers break into the castle to find her, only to get themselves in the same can ’o ancient soup. The Minotaur is thinkin’ it’s a restaurant on legs with all the trimmings.

Minotaur

Upstairs, though, the mean king is trying to get busy with his supermodel sister. This girl is so hot she makes Beyoncé look like a cow pie with mascara. But little sister grows tired of Candyman’s nightly attempts to get her to ride the baloney pony. Maddened, he throws the non-putting out mattress candy into the pit with the rest of the losers. Oh sure, there’s some more plot, but none of it matters, especially when there’s an enlarged demonic skull cow charging through the maze to gore people with his horns and hooves of doom.

Minotaur

His frequent attacks look like the heavy metal version of the running of the bulls; You’d expect the Minotaur to look like the Bigfoot business model of a hairy milk cow, but not this time. The Minotaur is all skeletal with evil skin hanging of it and a skull face and horns the size of whaling scrimshaws (harpoons, for all you non-Moby Dick heads). There’s a LOT of screaming. Truth be told, if I was being chased by the Minotaur, I’d make sure that darn thing slips in the adrenaline fluid spraying out of my sprinting backside.

Minotaur

The title creature (Minotaur/2006) is pretty dang cool and is the same one on the DVD box. OK, it might actually be his brother, but they look so much alike as to be twins. And Candyman? Let’s just say, you mess with the bull you get the horn. Heh.

Haunted Country Music

Posted in Classic Horror, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 25, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hillbillys in a Haunted HouseHillbillys in a Haunted House (1967). Sounds like a reality TV show. It certainly has all the ingredients: country singers, a haunted house, a gorilla, a supermodel, international spies and Merle Haggard. (Not making that up.) Heck, this thing would pair nicely with The Real Housewives of Melbourne and Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood.

Hillbillys in a Haunted House

Three country singers – one of which is the camera-ready Joi Lansing – are on the way to Nashville, home of white shoe wearing music legends and good ’ol boy alcoholics. (State law – you have to be drunk all the time in Nashville.)

Hillbillys in a Haunted House

Car trouble forces the trio to spend the night in an abandoned house with no amenities, except for a TV and nourishment (electricity) to power it. These troubadour squatters don’t know it, but in the basement is a ring of spies trying to get their lips around a top-secret formula for rocket fuel (geez, guys – it’s right on the label of a bottle of Jagermeister™), all of which is made even more entertaining with an unruly gorilla hanging around.

Hillbillys in a Haunted House

However, this “horror” music comedy is distinguished by music interludes done by Joi and Ferlin Husky (great name – the red-headed country/rockabilly/pop legend behind the classic Champagne Ladies And Blue Ribbon Babies/1974), and footage on the tube of a clean Merle Haggard before he met Jack Daniels™ and made and endless stream of immortal duets.

Hillbillys in a Haunted House

Numerous knuckle-headed comedy segments with horror legends John Carradine, Lon Chaney Jr. and Basil Rathbone. But it’s the last 15 minutes that rocks the haunted house with music performances by Merle (iconic icon), Sonny James (20 Number One country hits) and Country Music Hall of Fame’r Ferlin, sportin’ red hair, white shoes and a tight Chicago Boxcar Boston Back hairdoo. (You can get ahead with a style like that.)

Hillbillys in Las Vegas

P.S. Hillbillys in a Haunted House is the sequel to Las Vegas Hillbillys (1966). Didn’t see that one as I was informed it didn’t have gorillas playing slot machines while Frank, Dean and Sammy drank rocket fuel and embarked on madcap adventures.

Queen Kong: Jungle Skank

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 5, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Queen Kong

If you feel life is not precious then go ahead and waste an hour and a half of it watching Queen Kong (1976). Yeah, something that dumb can only be a comedy spoof. If only it were funny. But I’ll tell you whose laughing – the attorneys for King Kong, who got this thing tied to a sacrificial altar due to copyright squeezings brought on by King Kong (1976)/King Kong Lives (1986) producer Dino De Laurentiis. How do you them bananas?

Queen Kong

While it only got limited release Italy and Germany, Queen Kong is so painfully painful, it’s doubtful Queen Kong would’ve had an impact on her male counterpart. They took the story and flipped genders, with the strangle-worthy British lead male in the role of Ray Fay (groan) being sacrificed to Queen Kong, who falls in love with the twit and let’s her affection get her caught and imported to London to wiggle her chain-linked boobs for profit.

Queen Kong

If the effects, which are anything but special, have you throwing fruit at your TV (it’s not your magic viewing box’s fault), the acting – mostly hot chicks in bikinis – and the dialogue that induces reverse-eating. Example: The supermodel tribe leader chick only speaks in jungle-ese and says stuff like “Unga bunga, wanga banga.” Sounds like a Ted Nugent song.

Queen Kong

Even with QK battling a giant paper mache dinosaur, it’s the sissy boy Ray Fay whose arrogant preening makes you wanna see a giant primate step on him. Endless shrieking and bragging, this idiot looks like one of the Herman’s Hermits and says stuff like, “You can’t eat me! I’m Jewish! I’m Irish! I’m black! I’m a leper! I’m a Jewish black Irish leper!” The death penalty would be too lenient.

Pluses: Dozens of hot chicks in bikinis. Minuses: The rest of the movie.

Queen Kong