Lucky Harms, Drunk UFOs, Farming Evil

There are two takeaways from the 1993 left-field cult classic, Leprechaun. It was made for one million lucky charms and grossed $8.6 million luckier charms. Secondly, it was Jennifer Aniston’s (Friends) first appearance in a movie. It also spawned seven sequels, one of which put the gold-seeking runt in outer space (Leprechaun 4/1997). Now you can get all the behind-the-scenes gold of Leprechaun with the just released book, The Making of the Movie Leprechaun — I Need Me Gold! by filmmaker B. Harrison Smith. 

From the press release: “Published in hardcover and paperback by BearManor Media™, the 306-page book chronicles the making of the 1993 cult classic, doubling as a how-to guide for independent filmmakers. It has been endorsed by Leprechaun writer-director Mark Jones and features a foreword by actor Ken Olandt. Follow director-writer Mark Jones’ journey from his early days in TV animation through The A-Team, The Fall Guy, Hunter, and so many more. This is a story of how a unique group of people came together to make an indie film under grueling pressure in a day before streaming and DVD. Want to make movies? Read this book to the rainbow at the end.”

While we click this to buy the $38.00 book, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not feature a greedy gnome and/or Jennifer Anniston…

ALIENS UNCOVERED: ORIGINS / Out now (VOD)

“Before Area 51, hidden deep in the desert, the military discovered a hidden gem that helped them cover up the UFO wave of 1947. Roswell was not the only event that took place. Arizona was home to three major UFO events that the public hardly knows about. These events helped create Project Bluebook.”

Been following UFO events since I learned how to spell “UFO.” (About the 4th grade.) I’ve often been asked if I’ve ever seen a UFO, to which I reply, “Depends on how much I’ve been drinking.” Stock answer, but I stand by it. 

THE HAUNTING OF HELL HOLE MINE / May 18, 2023 (VOD)

“Inside a long-abandoned gold mine, lurks the Shakani, a dark supernatural being conjured by the Shanowah tribe ages ago to defeat their enemies. Not only ferocious and fast, but can appear as anyone and get inside your mind. Luke’s ancestors trapped it in the mine but each has also gone crazy. Now Luke’s niece has come down with ‘the family curse.’ But Luke believes with the proper medical treatment she can be healed if only he can get the money to pay for it. So with a couple friends he tries his luck at the gold mine but gradually realizes he must defeat the Shakani and end the family curse.”

I looked up Shanowah to find out why they have a gold mine and won’t share it with anyone. Here is my search result: “A Shanowah is a girl who generally comes from the bush and loves horses. Most Shanowah have blonde hair and can’t spell very good.” Turns out I know a lot of Shanowah.

FIRST CONTACT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Casey and Dan, two estranged adult siblings, travel to their late scientist father’s farmhouse to make sense of his incomplete work. They soon learn that their father’s work was far more dangerous than they could ever imagine — an evil entity, buried in time and space for millions of years, has been released and has begun wreaking havoc on the locals. One by one the bodies start to pile up. Now, Dan and Casey must figure out the secrets of this extra-dimensional monster before it’s too late.”

An evil entity millions of years old. That’s a lot of extra-dimensional birthday cake candles.

BEARS ON A SHIP / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After their flight gets canceled, a group of travelers take an offer on a ship voyage to their destination, unknowing that there are other passengers aboard — specifically, hungry murderous bears.”

The last time someone put bears on a boat, it didn’t end well. Just ask who in Noah’s family were left after the waters receded.

UFOs Exposed, Town of Ghosts, Artistic Wolf Man

A recent headline on the LiveScience.com website: “Flying Saucers to Mind Control: 24 Declassified Military & CIA Secrets.” Talk about click bait — I haven’t been that hooked since I came across “Supermodels of the Serengeti Want To Meet You.” (Warning: they require a credit card number. Internet love doesn’t come cheap.)

Included in the dossier-busting article by Elizabeth Peterson and Denise Chow are previously-guarded government secrets, including Project 1794 (initiated in the 1950s, a team of engineers were tasked with building a flying saucer-type aircraft capable of traveling at supersonic speeds at high altitudes), Project MK-Ultra (a secret and illegal human research program examining the effects of hypnosis, biological agents and drugs, such as LSD and barbiturates, on human subjects), Project Grudge (a short-lived program launched in 1949 to study unidentified flying objects), and Acoustic Kitty (in 1967 the CIA spent millions of dollars in an attempt to train domesticated cats to spy on the Soviet Union.) Your tax dollars hard at work.

While there’s even more UFO and espionage stuff, my fav is The Kidnapping of the Lunik, where in the 1960s, there was CIA-led mission to “borrow” a Soviet lunar satellite for just one night. One evening, undercover CIA agents convinced the truck driver, who transported the satellite from city to city, to get some rest at a nearby hotel and leave the satellite in their care, the documents revealed. They then “borrowed” the Soviet orbiter — taking it apart and photographing its components — before putting it back on the truck. Gotta give the CIA serious props — that sounded like an epic beer-fueled college frat prank. 

So while you click on over to LiveScience.com to read about more UFOs and undercover house pets, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not be as cool as the CIA basketball squad stealing the Soviet’s team mascot… 

THE MANDALORIAN SEASON 3 / March 1, 2023 (Disney+™)

“The journeys of the Mandalorian through the Star Wars galaxy continue. Once a lone bounty hunter, Din Djarin has reunited with Grogu. Meanwhile, the New Republic struggles to lead the galaxy away from its dark history. The Mandalorian will cross paths with old allies and make new enemies as he and Grogu continue their journey together.”

I’ve watched all the Star Wars series spin-offs and The Mandalorian is arguably the best, thanks to the jaw-dropping cinematic monster creatures (Mud Horn), awesome spaceships (Gozanti-class Assault Carrier) and glowing flashlights (sold under the brand name of “Light Sabers” at Kalevala Home Depot™). For my Imperial credits, Andor and The Book of Boba-Fett are also right up there in Star Wars’ exotic Universe, of which I would like to live or vacation every Mandalore’s full moon of Concordia. (No sunblock needed, but you will need Tookas repellent.)

GHOST TOWN / March 7, 2023 (VOD)

“The story is set in 1877 Arizona, where a drifter takes a job as a barman. After a series of bizarre and horrifying deaths, he finds himself the target of suspicion. Desperate to escape the noose, he is soon at the center of a supernatural mystery that plagues this town.”

No noose is good noose — heh. FYI: I applied for that job as a drifter/barman. My resume must gotten lost in the pony express as I never heard back. Too bad — I have vast experience being both.

STALKER / March 24, 2023 (VOD)

“Rose Hepburn, a young horror actress, returns to her empty hotel. Forced to use the old freight elevator, it jolts to a halt on the 12th floor, leaving her trapped with an unusual stranger. Left with no phone signal as a storm approaches, tensions escalate and suspicions rise when Rose discovers the identity of the mysterious man is Daniel Reed, a camera operator who is seemingly obsessed with her.”

This one stars professional wrestling icon, Bret “The Hitman” Hart. This automatically puts Stalker in the running for an Academy Award™.

BLACKOUT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A fine arts painter is convinced he’s a werewolf wreaking havoc on a small American town every full moon.”

Well, heck — when else is he gonna do it?

Rock Horror Lottery, Time-Traveling Sharks,Trained Zombies

As first reported by Bloody-Disgusting.com, horror shock rock icon Alice Cooper is now featured on scratch-to-win Lottery™ tickets in his home state of Arizona. (Probably where he gets his stage snakes. I hear you can practically trip over ’em in Arizona.)

The measure of success used to be to get your face on a postal stamp. But being on a Lotto scratch card seems a more appropriate way to honor the rock star who had a hit album called Billion Dollar Babies back in 1973 (way to tie-in, Arizona!), and paved the road for others like Rob Zombie and Marilyn Manson by pioneering the theater use of said (live) pythons, dead babies (song title and plastic prop), an onstage guillotine execution, a hangman’s noose, a ride on an electric chair, and tons of horror imagery and zombie stuff.

The Alice Cooper Lotto tickets went live in Arizona on August 7, 2018 and will continue to be purchasable through Halloween, 2018. From the press release: “There are six top prizes of $50,000 each, with second-chance prizes that range from Alice Cooper memorabilia to VIP tickets and pre-show party access to the legendary rocker’s annual Christmas Pudding concert.” (Note: The album came with a “billion dollar” bill in the packaging. Been trying to spend it every since. Guess I’ll have to buy more than one microwaved hot dog as it appears 7-Eleven™ just doesn’t appear to have enough correct change.)

While we all wait for our turn to have our printed faces scratched off with the edge of a quarter (a penny works, too), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that you may or may not want to scratch off your viewing list…

THE LAST SHARKNADO: IT’S ABOUT TIME (August 19, 2018/SyFy™ Channel)
In the sixth and final installment of the series, Fin will travel back in time in a Sharknado-turned-time-machine to resurrect his family by stopping the first sharknado that started it all. In his quest, Fin will fight dinosaurs, knights, cowboys, and, of course, sharks. This time, it’s not a question of how to stop the sharknados — it’s when!”

Gotta give ‘em props for the movie title, as it perfectly sums up the thankful END of one of the most overplayed (and dumb) horror movie franchises of all time. And this coming from a guy who loves shark movies. Looks like they’re gonna go out with style, what with time-travel, dinosaurs, knights, cowboys (just repeating the press release here) and, of course, sharks that fall from the sky like faulty airplanes. Good for them. Now go away.

LIZZIE (September 14, 2018)
“Chloë Sevigny stars as Lizzie Borden, the notorious woman at the heart of one of the most enduring mysteries in American history. After a lifetime of loneliness, Lizzie finds a kindred spirit in housemaid Bridget Sullivan (Kristen Stewart) and their secret intimacy sparks an unthinkable act. The movie explores the days leading up to the savage crimes in a dark tale of repression, exploitation and thwarted dreams.”

Back in the good ‘ol days of 1892, Lizzie Borden, the spinster daughter of Andrew Jackson Borden and Sarah Anthony Borden (what are the odds they both have the same last name?), was infamously charged with axe-to-the-head-multiple-times on said husband and wife double murder. Lizzie was arrested as a prime suspect, but later deemed innocent by the court and let go, presumably to open an axe store (poor timing, but good prices from what I hear).

This grisly, unsolved murder led to more than a few movie treatments and remakes over the years. But Lizzie — a women’s spin on the subject — brings a whole new perspective, implying that Lizzie had a girlfriend and they both plotted — and executed (sorry) — the de-parenting. For another interesting look at Lizzie Borden, the Jason Voorhees of the late 1800s, check out Lizzie Borden Took An Axe (2014) with Christina Ricci as the chilling and non-emotional portrayal of the world’s first hacker. Personally, I though it was the mailman who performed the crime, based on absolutely no proof whatsoever. I just trust my gut stuff.

REDCON-1 (September 28, 2018/UK)
“After a zombie apocalypse spreads from a London prison, the UK is brought to its knees. The spread of the virus is temporarily contained but, without a cure, it’s only a matter of time before it breaks its boundaries and the biggest problem of all…any zombies with combat skills are now enhanced. With the South East of England quarantined from the rest of the world using fortified borders, intelligence finds that the scientist responsible for the outbreak is alive and well in London. With his recovery being the only hope of a cure, a squad of eight Special Forces soldiers is sent on a suicide mission to the city, now ruled by the undead, with a single task: get him out alive within 72 hours by any means necessary. What emerges is an unlikely pairing on a course to save humanity against ever-rising odds.”

So the dead come back to life with all their previous life skills. I guess when it’s my turn to go to the great couch in the sky, I’ll come back LOADED (heh) with years of accrued beer drinking abilities. The world as you know it won’t stand a chance. Sucks to be everybody but me.

SLAUGHTERHOUSE RULEZ (October 31, 2018/UK | 2018/2019 US)
Slaughterhouse is an elite boarding school where boys and girls are groomed for power and greatness and they’re about to meet their match. Don Wallace, is a wide-eyed new boy from a modest background forced to navigate a baffling new world of arcane rules and rituals, presided by sadistic sixth formers. Matters of status are aggressively enforced and conversation with school goddess Clemsie, are strictly forbidden. But this ancient and ordered world is about to be shaken to its foundations — literally — when a controversial frack site on prize school woodland causes seismic tremors, a mysterious sinkhole and an unspeakable horror is unleashed. Soon a new pecking order will be established as pupils, teachers and the school matron become locked in a bloody battle for survival.”

Holy frack — an unspeakable horror comes out of a resulting sinkhole? I bet the quakes busted the boarding school’s sewer line. P.S. Resist the urge to compare this one with this same-named 2004 short, The Slaughter House Rules. That one was only 13 minutes long and from what I hear, did not feature a busted sewer line spewing liquefied leavings all over everyone’s faces and/or clean shirts. That’d be really icky if they did.

UFOs, Gunslingers, Clowns and Snowmen

On the eve of April 2, 2017’s Wrestlemania XXXIII (that’s 33 for all you non-Roman numeral types), The Undertaker is back to win again, something he’s done every Wrestlemania except one in the last three-plus decades. It’s rumored that he’ll retire after this match. Can’t say I blame him; one can only be dropped on your head for so many years before your luck runs out and your skull hits the mat like a freshness expired tomato.

The Undertaker would make a great horror movie icon after he hangs up his tights. What screams horror more than “you can’t kill a dead guy”? While you ponder that, here are a few upcoming horror movies that’ll no doubt give you a headache…

PHOENIX FORGOTTEN (April 21, 2017)
“In the spring of 1997, several residents of Phoenix, Arizona claimed to witness mysterious lights in the sky. This phenomenon, which became known as The Phoenix Lights, remains the most famous UFO sighting in American history. On July 23, 1997, three high school student filmmakers went missing while camping in the desert outside Phoenix. The purpose of their trip was to document their investigation into the Phoenix Lights. They were never seen again. Twenty years later, Sarah Bishop, a documentary filmmaker and younger sibling of one of the missing, returns to Phoenix to delve into the their disappearances and the emotional trauma left on those that knew them. Nothing can prepare her for the shocking discovery of a tape from the night her brother and his friends disappeared.”

This sounds exactly like The Phoenix Tapes ’97, right down to the premise of found footage and video cameras that never seem to run out of juice. With four other movies using The Phoenix Lights as a plot device (not counting the numerous documentaries), you’d think aliens would get their lawyers on the copyright case. Given the current state of affairs, it would be a hoot to have an illegal alien sue the U.S.

THE DARK TOWER (July 28, 2017)
“The last gunslinger, Roland Deschain has been locked in an eternal battle with Walter O’Dim, also known as the Man in Black, determined to prevent him from toppling the Dark Tower, which holds the universe together. With the fate of the worlds at stake, good and evil will collide in the ultimate battle as only Roland can defend the Tower from the Man in Black.”

Not sure how they’re gonna pull this off as its based on EIGHT Stephen King novels, beginning in 1982, and kitchen sinks it with themes of dark fantasy, science fantasy, horror, and Western. (What — no Acid Jazz Goth?) But hey, it still sounds like a good excuse to sit in a movie theater while munching on light bulb heated popcorn and sipping from smuggled airline bottles of Mezcal.

IT (September 8, 2017)
“When children begin to disappear in the town of Derry, Maine, a group of young kids are faced with their biggest fears when they square off against an evil clown named Pennywise, whose history of murder and violence dates back for centuries.”

The clown is about to get down. The original It (1990), based on the Stephen King novel of the same name with 100,000 pages in 37 formats, was a mini series made for sanitized television programming. But the new It is a movie and will probably carry a triple XXX rating. Or maybe an R. Doesn’t matter; as long as it doesn’t water itself down for TV like the original. (Disclaimer — Tim Curry did a pretty good job as Pennywise. Everybody else, not so much.)

THE SNOWMAN (October 13, 2017)
“Detective Harry Hole investigates the disappearance of a woman whose pink scarf is found wrapped around an ominous-looking snowman.”

Detective Harry Hole. Sounds like a serviceable porn star name. And Snowmen wearing scarves? That’s pretty fashionable for someone made out of a non-flavored Slushee™. Wonder if it was a nice silk ascot or one of those cheap knock-offs you get at 7-Eleven™? Seems to me, though, that snowmen should be wearing leg warmers. Now THERE’S a timeless fashion statement.

Cartoon Vampires, Kid-Eating Clowns, End of the World

Amazing — NASA announced they’ve discovered seven new Earth-like exoplanets. This is incredible news — now I have somewhere to go to wait out the next four years.

Speaking of waiting, here’s some upcoming horror movies that NASA hasn’t discovered yet…

SAVAGELAND (February, 2017)
“Illegal immigration wrapped around the mysterious mass murder and disappearance of 57 people. The disappearances took place in the off-the-grid border town of Sangre de Cristo, Arizona, just a few miles north of Mexico. The police arrest Francisco Salazar, the lone survivor. He is found covered with the blood of a number of his fellow residents.”

Sounds like this movie was funded by Republicans.

HERE ALONE (March 31, 2017/VOD/Limited)
“A young woman struggles to survive on her own in the wake of a mysterious epidemic that has decimated society and forced her deep into the unforgiving wilderness.”

If I was the lone survivor of an epidemic that wiped out all of humanity, screw going into the woods; I’d just go deep into an unforgiving bar and hang out with my friend Bud(weiser). He’s pretty quiet, but speaks volumes.

CASTLEVANIA (2017/Netflix)
“Inspired by the classic video game series, Castlevania is a dark medieval fantasy following the last surviving member of the disgraced Belmont clan, trying to save Eastern Europe from extinction at the hand of Vlad Dracula Tepes himself.”

This is an animated TV series, so all of the calories, none of the fun. Saving grace — Castlevania is being made by Frederator Studios, whose numerous credits include Adventure Time and SuperF*ckers.

CREPITUS (2017/2018)
“Seventeen year old Elizabeth and her younger sister, Sam, are thrust into circumstances more terrifying than life with their abusive, drunken mother when they are forced to move into their deceased grandfather’s house. Frightened beyond belief, they learn horrible things about their family history. Never mind the ghosts in the house, there is something far worse that takes an interest in them…a cannibalistic clown named Crepitus.”

Reminds me of that 1992 episode of The Simpsons where Bart is staying with The Flanders while his mom Marge is giving birth to Lisa, and he’s in a circus clown themed bed freaking out, shaking and repeating, “Can’t sleep…clowns will eat me.” So yeah, a cannibal clown. That’s pretty f’d up. And why would clowns eat kids in the first place? From what the guy at the deli tells me, they taste terrible no matter how much mayo you smear on ‘em. I should probably buy my sandwiches elsewhere.

EAT LOCALS (2017/2018)
“In a quiet countryside farmhouse, Britain’s vampires gather for their once-every-fifty-years meeting. Others will be joining them too; Sebastian Crockett, an unwitting Essex boy, the sexy cougar Vanessa, and a detachment of Special Forces vampire killers who have bitten off more than they can chew. This is certainly going to be a night to remember…and for some of them it will be their last.”

You’d think British vampires could find someplace nicer than a barn to hold their meetings. Might I suggest O’Henry’s — Home of the Power Drinkers. Appropriate as vampires could be referred to as power drinkers.

P.S. That’s a real place — I’ve been there. I shan’t return lest there be vampires about.

Rechargeable Aliens

The found footage “movie” The Phoenix Tapes ’97 is YET ANOTHER attempt to cash in on the REAL EVENT of UFOs buzzing the Arizona night skies back March 13, 1997. It was on the news, so it had to be real.

Four smelly guys pile into an RV and go on a man date in the Arizona desert, filming every tedious dialogue interchange along the way. During the night, loud explosion-y booms are heard and meteors are seen crashing into the desert mountains. [Spoiler: this was the ONLY cool thing about the movie.]

Daylight brings more questions, like how to air out the RV and where is one of the dudes. And what the heck was shaking the RV at night and making stomping noises on the roof? I’m thinkin’ pranking frat brothers, but likely it was extraterrestrials. Kinda the same thing when you think about it.

As they argue like whiny b*tches and abandon the stalled RV and wander back towards civilization (they weren’t that far off; you can hear a dog barking in someone’s back yard), they see those famous patterned lights in the sky and go WTF?!?

One by one, each gets drug off into the night with the video camera still running. You sorta kinda maybe get a glimpse of the aliens, whose legs appear to be riddled with arthritis. But my issue is with the camera. That thing kept running (with night vision) long after they four guys were slipped a date rape drug and probed. Video cameras back in 1997 could barely hold a charge and were notorious slow to recharge, which was not done the entire time. (So an RV battery conks out overnight, and a video camera battery lasts all through the abductions?) And to think I was gonna buy an RV.

I believe in UFOs. I do not believe in 1997 video cameras. So there.

The Devil Wears Cut-Offs

The unfortunately low-budgeted Hell’s Highway (2002) begins with a sexy-yet-evil hitchhiker chick thumbing a ride on a hellishly hot Arizona highway that’s paved with wrongness. This is indicated by pointy cactus and various crooked crosses made out of bunk bed slats.

A carload of festive guys ’n gals stop to pick up the hitchin’ vixen, unaware that she just ate the brains of the last person who gave her a lift. Noting her distinct evilness (warped conversation, a brandished gun pointed towards uneaten brains), the travelers dump the chick on the side of the road. So how the double heck did she end up miles down the road later — in front of the car she was voted out of?

Through a series of plot-stalling events, the hitchhiker is killed. Several times. A minor inconvenience, she keeps coming back despite the fact her high-riding cut-off-encased booty has been dragged behind a car, stabbed, shoveled and chainsawed. Hats off for the scene where her head makes like a Gallagher watermelon when backed over by a car.

The evil chick is cute, but not particularly convincing as an unholy b*tch demon hell bent on road rage revenge. Some topless action, a smattering of gutter talk, a nice cameo by porn, uh, giant Ron Jeremy, and gore slung high and low. A solid return on your horror video investment dollar.

P.S. Hopefully you won’t confuse this Hell’s Highway with 1932’s Hell’s Highway. That one features chain gang prisoners and rioting. As far as I can tell, there are no unkillable demon chicks or porn stars in that one. Be cool if there were.

Tailgating Aliens

Tailgating on the back of the heavily documented 1997 Phoenix Lights incident, where thousands of people witnessed what was thought to be a UFO over Arizona (but might have just been lights), Night Skies (2008) finds the same light configuration following an RV full of young people lost on a back road.

Looking at said lights instead of the road causes the driver to crash the recreational vehicle into a tree, knocking everyone inside down, one of whom lands on a butcher knife. (I don’t know why more RVs don’t come with butcher knives; It should be standard equipment.)

Outside, dark colored aliens are stalking the humans, making the same burp-chirping sounds those extraterrestrials did in Signs (2002). They must know each other.

The aliens abduct a guy (who has a gun) and a chick, who we earlier found out was pregnant. Regaining consciousness, both wake up on board the UFO (or “lights”) covered in what looks to be half-digested pasta and Super Glue™.

The aliens slather some sort of space paste on the girl’s stomach, which makes her top skin transparent. Now they can see her organs. How embarrassing for her. Then they reach in and take out her impending child. (It’s here where an audible “whew!” sound can be heard, probably from the baby’s reluctant father back in the RV.)

The guy, though naked and covered with party fluids, still has the gun with one shot left. Should he shoot the aliens right in Uranus? Should he cap the chick in the head to spare her the pain of having a lunar abortion? Should he pop someone wearing the same pants size so he can get out of this mess with some dignity?

Better to run outside screaming and shoot at those lights in the sky instead. That’s totally what I would do given the opportunity.

Extraterrestrial Lighting

If you were visiting, renting or gassing up in Phoenix, Arizona on Thursday, March 13, 1997 at around 10PM, you were one of the tens of thousands of people who witnessed the Phoenix Lights, the biggest UFO sighting in the history of the entire flappin’ universe. (Except the Pleadies System – UFOs gas up there.)

To commemorate that TRUE event is the indie sci-fi “film,” Phoenix Incident, releasing in March 2016, but after already circulating in foreign countries and cheesy horror movie blogs (ahem) since 2015. Here’s what that incident is about…

“Blurring the line between fiction and reality, the fact based, sci-fi thriller revolves around a military conspiracy and the controversial missing person’s case surrounding the infamous 1997 event.”

“With the support of the victims’ families, along with classified military documentation, cockpit recordings, Air Force pilot interviews, actual FLIR footage, and first-hand recovered video evidence, Phoenix Incident exposes the military’s engagement with extraterrestrial contact, and the collateral damage of four civilians.”

Smart of the movie to include actual footage of the Phoenix Lights on that fateful night UFOs came to town. But why watch the movie when you can see the documentary made by Dr. Lynn D. Kitei, who actually filmed the extraterrestrial visitation and made The Pheonix Lights: We Are Not Alone (2008), a documentary out of it? She has nice hair and washes her hands, so there’s no way in heck she could be lying about this stuff.

Sure, there are those who cry hoax and seek to rob us of The Truth, claiming the lights were nothing more than a fighter jets dropping flares before returning to the nearby Luke Air Force Base, which is military procedure when completing a training mission that wastes taxpayer money. What a flaming load. Why won’t skeptics realize that UFOs often disguise themselves as flares in order to probe our air space without undue attention?

Debunkers suck.

Intergalactic Relations

 

A honkingly large meteor crashed in the Arizona desert and John Carlson, an amateur astronomer, saw it, man. And because he’s not a pro, no one believes him (I do) when he tells everyone (me) that it’s actually a spaceship (it is).

A craptacular luck would have it, a bunch of dirt covered the craft when John went to investigate, and almost got himself a complimentary burial plot. (Those things can be expensive.)

One of the aliens inside the galactic taxi gets out and photocopies other humans to help fix the ship (minimum wage, of course) and get off this toilet Earth. John is able to communicate with it (extended middle finger indicates “peace, space brother”) and tries talking sense into its one eye.

Since the local sheriff is a dork and hates John because the hot local school teacher Ellen Fields is hot for John and not him, he saucerblocks all over the place. When John proves those are for real aliens, everybody wants to shoot ’em. If someone photocopied me, I’d feel similar.

All of this leads up to It Came From Outer Space’s (1953) disappointing climax that has John talking the aliens out of disintegrating Earth humans. Thanks for nothing, John. Because he resolved this interstellar crisis without bloodshed, however, everybody now likes him and Ellen gets even more hot for John.

I need to impress chicks by discovering more aliens.