Artful Evil, Hell University, Inheriting a Monster

Fans of The Evil Dead franchise will simply soil themselves over this soil-inducing Evil Dead II poster, designed by UK artist, James Bousema. It makes you wanna buy a chainsaw and go swimming in blood.

And hey — you can buy it! Here are the details: “Limited to 175 prints, 24” x 36” inches (approx 61 x 91 cm), and hand-numbered lithograph on 300gsm GF Smith Accent uncoated paper. The poster sells for $49.00.” Totally affordable, though I have no idea what 300gsm GF Smith Accent means. Probably a British thing.

Evil Dead II (aka, Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn) came out in 1987 and is considered both a remake and a sequel of 1981’s The Evil Dead, wherein five friends travel to a cabin in the woods where they unknowingly release flesh-possessing demons. What else are they gonna do? Smoke illegal drugs and drink beer and throw the empties in the bushes? Kids back then were so reckless. And poorly dressed.

So while we weigh the pros and cons of buying the poster (click this) or go shopping for a chainsaw (click this), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be swimming in blood…

SUMMONING SYLVIA / March 31, 2023 (Limited) April 7, 2023 (VOD)

“A gay bachelor party that takes a spooky turn when sinister spirits are suddenly summoned. The warm and whimsical Larry has been kidnapped by his three best friends for a bachelor weekend getaway at a haunted house. As they sashay through the Victorian corridors, the comrades recount the house’s legend from a hundred years ago: a murderous woman named Sylvia slaughtered her son and buried him beneath the floorboards. All seems fine and spooky until Larry’s ultra-straight brother-in-law crashes the proceedings.”

If you bury anybody under the floorboards, you’re gonna go through a LOT of Frebreze™.

YOU’RE KILLING ME / April 7, 2023 (VOD)

“Eden goes to a coveted Heaven and Hell party, hoping to get a letter of recommendation to an elite university from the wealthy parents of her classmate, but the party quickly turns into a fight for her life.”

Wonder what kinds of snacks would be at a Heaven and Hell party? Angel food cake and Deviled eggs, I would imagine. I could go for both.

THE TANK / April 21, 2023 (Limited) April 25, 2023 (VOD)

“After mysteriously inheriting an abandoned coastal property, Ben and his family accidentally unleash an ancient, long-dormant creature that terrorized the entire region — including his own ancestors — for generations.”

Inheriting a free coastal property AND a long dormant creature? Score!

THE ELDERLY / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“Rosa commits suicide, which is the catalyst for the progressive physical and mental deterioration of Manuel, her elderly husband. Mario, his son, decides to bring him to live with his family, despite the fierce opposition of his new wife, who’s expecting a baby. Naia, his teenage granddaughter, is the only one who trusts Manuel, whose dementia is getting worse and worse by the day. The family’s new living situation will continue to go rapidly downhill, until it literally becomes a matter of life and death, leading to a dramatic denouement, which will take place on the hottest night of the century.

Sounds like a sitcom: Father Doesn’t Know Best.

Sci-Fi Sheet Music, Halloween Pirates, Heavenly Darkness

Ever wanted to hear what the sound an alien spaceship makes — from the inside? Curious about the pitch of wormhole-ing Stargate? Or how about the gurgling resonance emanating from either end of an extraterrestrial lifeform? Thanks to YouTube™ — The Rent-A-Center™ Window to the Universe — now you can.

There are literal hundreds chill out/sleep assisting/relax in your pants “videos” on YouTube™, the most being New Age stuff to put you in a deep meditative (drunk, not not quite passed out) state. They use flutes, sounds of nature (man, I was I could put a fart noise here), trickling streams, rain, soft wind, synthesizers that sound like unpaid orchestra musicians… 

These “videos” guarantee to take the wrinkles out of your chi, disconnect the brain in order to get in a decent wet dream, and/or turn your tension into cotton candy. And for the most part, they work. But some of the cooler ones are those that imagine what sounds come from derelict UFOs, abandoned space insect hives and extraterrestrial weather reports — usually for hours on end. Ever wanted to hear an alien play a lute? You’re just a click away.

Put an iPad™ (or whatever future waffle iron you prefer) on your nightstand. Pull up YouTube™ and type in search words like “space ambient”, “cosmic relaxation”, “Berlin school style chill out”, or “ethereal happy slide” — and let yourself drift off to de-stressing sounds of the Multiverse.

While you prepare to take a nap among the stars, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you fall asleep — or give you a wet dream…

ESTHER / Out now (YouTube™)

“Katy has moved back to her childhood home only to find that her nightly sleep is disrupted by a faulty smoke alarm. She soon learns that the faulty alarm is the least of her worries as her imaginary friend Esther has come back to play.”

Faulty smoke alarms are way scarier than imaginary friends. Test smoke alarms every month by pressing their test buttons. If your alarms use regular batteries, swap in fresh batteries at least once a year. A “chirping” sound means that it’s time to change batteries. Do these things then go back to playing with your ghost friend, who probably died from smoke inhalation.

KILLED ON ARRIVAL / Out now (Amazon Prime™)

“Nine people decide to take part in an exclusive V.I.P. Halloween camping adventure. A ‘once in a lifetime’ experience, they all think will be the time of their lives. This Kamp of Antietam has a checkered past full of pirate executions, satanic cults and a fair share of missing people. Will our campers make it through the Creekside Manor of horrors or will they just be another rabble of victims…KILLED ON ARRIVAL?”

I vaguely recall hearing about this one back in 2020. Then again, I vaguely recall 2020. Regardless, I’m curious to see how they integrate pirate executions into what should’ve been a super fun, LAND-BASED Halloween camping adventure.

THE NOMAD / Out now (Digital, VOD)

“When a reporter filming a story about a serial killer targeting the city’s priests comes face to face with the killer, she must choose between turning him in and finishing the story…or directing him towards her abusive father and finishing her own.”

Well played. Work smarter, not harder.

INTO THE ABYSS / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“They came from Heaven, installing perpetual night, creating a deluge that would change humanity forever. Bannon is trapped in the middle of a city isolated and covered by a black and rainy sky, which epitomizes the end and decay of the old world. Seeking to leave the condemned area, he will realize that his very existence drags the vestiges of that world and must be put to the test or perish in the Abyss.”

Kinda sounds like a set-up to a joke: “How many celestial entities does it take to change a light bulb?” Insert your punch line here.

Crime-Fighting Coup, Snowy Sorcerer, Blood Geyser

If you could own any car in the world, hands down it’d have to be the Batmobile, yes? Screw those poser Lamborghinis and Ferraris; Do they have ejection seats? A parachute braking system? Purple smoke coming out of the exhaust? I think not. But since the original Batmobile — which has all those essential features and more — sold for $4.6 million in 2013, you’re just gonna have to take your Aston Martin Vulcan or Bugatti Bolideto to The Elephant Car Wash™ and pay extra for the hot wax rinse.

Or will you? The Batmobile used in 1989’s Batman and 1992’s Batman Returns is now up for grabs for a crime-stopping $1.5 million car bucks through Classic Auto Mall™. (There’s an unrobbed 7-Eleven™ right next door.) According to the sales pitch, this isn’t just a replica — it’s the actual working prop car designed by illustrator Julian Caldow and built by John Evans’ SFX team at Pinewood Studios in England. Riddle me this — do you want to impress the citizens of your city and strike fear into the hearts of Honda Civic owners or not? You don’t need to have an annoying sidekick who just won’t shut up to answer that.

More selling points: “The car has a Daytona Prototype-like jet engine nose and tall batwings that sandwich its slide-away cockpit. The fighter jet-style cockpit (somehow) has room for three passengers as well as working gadgets, including a flamethrower.” And I ask, what car doesn’t need a flamethrower — beside that grouchy Mad Max neighbor of yours?  

So while we’re looking forward to “Robin” the cookie jar to buy this four-wheeled traffic-thwarter, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not need the flamethrower treatment after watching ’em…  

BED REST / December 7, 2022 (Tubi™)

After years of struggling to start a family, Julie Rivers is pregnant again and moving into a new home with her husband as they embrace a fresh start. Upon being ordered to mandatory bed rest, Julie begins to slowly unravel as she suffers through the monotony and anxiety of her new constraints. Soon, terrifying ghostly experiences in the home begin to close in on Julie, stirring up her past demons and causing others to question her mental stability. Trapped and forced to face her past and the supernatural, Julie fights to protect herself and her unborn baby.”

If you’re a chick spending years trying to get pregnant, of course bed rest is gonna be mandatory. So will cold compresses and walking on crutches for a week or so. For guys it’s usually eight bowls of Wheaties™, 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep, and it’s saddle up time again for the baloney pony.

THE WINTER WITCH / December 13, 2022 (DVD)

“At the behest of her boss, journalist Ingrid Hoffman returns to her ancestral home when several children are found slaughtered in nearby woodland. With the village suspecting the infamous Winter Witch is behind the killings, together with her daughter Eleanor and estranged grandmother Omi, Ingrid must uncover the truth and stop the curse of Frau Perchta once and for all.”

The Winter Witch is the hardest working wiccan in snow business.

KNOCK AT THE CABIN / February 3, 2023 (Theaters)

“While vacationing at a remote cabin, a young girl and her parents are taken hostage by four armed strangers who demand that the family make an unthinkable choice to avert the apocalypse. With limited access to the outside world, the family must decide what they believe before all is lost.”

What could an unthinkable choice to avert the apocalypse be in this worst case scenario? Let’s examine the obvious clue: a remote cabin. Clearly, the four armed strangers are demanding toilet paper, which is a treasured commodity when in an isolated area and the nearest Wal-Mart™ is as far away as the buzzards fly. Depending on how many wild blueberries and pine cone pot pies you eat, to be without toilet talismans can indeed be an apocalyptic event.

PROJECT WOLF HUNTING / May 15, 2023 (Screambox™)

“During transport from the Philippines to South Korea, a group of dangerous criminals unites to stage a coordinated escape attempt. As the jailbreak escalates into a bloody, all-out riot, the fugitives and their allies from the outside exact a brutal terror campaign against the special agents onboard the ship.”

The advance reviews are enough to make you fill your horror pants with joy AND happiness: “Unending geysers of blood that erupt from wounds, which seem to have tremendously high blood pressure…”, “You’re thrillingly never quite sure who will survive by the end of each escalating episode of bloody bedlam…”, “Frenzied firefights, gory martial arts, all erupting upon the screen with a rousing, volcanic velocity…” I’m a non-religious type of guy, but that sounds like Heaven to me.

Monster Master, G-Rated Zombies, Hotel Hell

According to Wikipedia™ (that name sounds so made up), filmmaker John Carpenter is generally recognized as one of the greatest masters of the horror genre. Of course he is. This is the guy who brought us classic horror/sci-fi movies like Halloween (1978), The Fog (1980), The Thing (1982), Christine (1983), Prince of Darkness (1987), Vampires (1998), and Ghost of Mars (2001). Insert mic drop sound here.

So it makes perfect sense Carpenter hosts Masters of Monsters, Godzilla!, a Godzilla Monster Marathon airing November 3rd through November 6th, 2022 on Shout! Factory TV, TokuShoutsu, Scream Factory TV and Shout! Cult. P.S. National Godzilla Day is November 3rd, which amazingly ties in with this show’s G-Fest. Nice timing!

From Shout Factory’s press release: “This November, Shout Factory is celebrating Godzilla day and doing it up big, with Masters of Monsters, Godzilla! Carpenter is sitting down and presenting his four favorite monster films directed by Ishiro Honda: Godzilla, The uncut Japanese original (Gojira), Rodan, Ghidorah, The Three-Headed Monster, and The War of the Gargantuas. Carpenter will be our Master of Monsters tour guide, making appearances throughout to discuss his love for the franchise.”

While you click on over to MastersofMonsters.com for more info (or “information”), here are a few out now and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may be worthy of a John Carpenter endorsement…

SAWED OFF / Out now (VOD)

“Two hunters, friends for years and vying for the affections of the same woman, find themselves on cursed land where they keep killing each other and coming back to life.”

The beginning of Sawed Off is worth the rental price. There’s naked nudity, outdoor sex, a loaded shotgun, exit wounds… You could stop the movie right here and know you got your money’s worth.

ZOMBIE TOWN / December, 2022 (Theaters)

“A fantastical film turns an entire town into zombies. It’s up to two teenagers to save them.”

This is based on the R.L Stine kid’s horror book of the same name. This means you won’t see zombies mouth-kissing fresh flesh as if it were free hamburgers on sale.

TALES FROM THE OCCULT / Release pending 2022 (VOD)

“An old school anthology consisting of three short films, Tales from the Occult is the first in a new omnibus series about the hidden horrors that lurk behind the urban landscape of Hong Kong.”

Wonder what the hidden horrors are lurking behind Hong Kong’s urban landscape? I’m thinkin’ a Ringu or two, undercooked chicken teriyaki bowls, tourists… 

HAZBIN HOTEL / Summer 2023 (VOD)

“Charlie, the princess of Hell, pursues her seemingly impossible goal of rehabilitating demons to peacefully reduce overpopulation in her kingdom. After a yearly extermination imposed by angels, she opens a hotel in the hopes that patients will be ‘checking out’ into Heaven. While most of Hell mocks her goal, her devoted partner Vaggie, and their first test subject, adult film-star Angel Dust, stick by her side. When a powerful entity known as the ‘Radio Demon’ reaches out to assist Charlie in her endeavors, her crazy dream is given a chance to become a reality.”

Adult animation. Cartoon boobies are almost as fun as those mythical real ones. They should make a movie about that.

Godzilla — King of All Media, Kids vs. Aliens, British Heaven/English Hell

Even if you’ve only occasionally clicked in and out of this nearly 10-year-old blog-blog, a cursory glance will tell you I’m a freak for all things Godzilla. (And sweet, sweet beer.) So it won’t come as a surprise I’m tagging EVEN more Godzilla stuff on the eve of the worldwide premier of Godzilla: King of the Monsters (May 31, 2019).

This G-shout out is  for The Art of Godzilla: King of the Monsters (by Abbie Bernstein), a $25.00 and change (Amazon Prime™) hardcover book showcasing the conception art the new movie built itself on. It isn’t available for purchase until a few days after the movie comes out, so you’ll just have to deal with your pee shivers a bit longer.

Here’s what you can expect for the money: “An in-depth, behind-the-scenes look at the epic movie from Legendary Pictures and Warner Bros. Pictures. Packed with beautiful concept art, on-set photography, and detailed insight from key members of the production, this beautiful book tells the story of how Godzilla and his foes were brought to life.”

To while away the time before the movie/book comes out, here are a few now streaming/upcoming horror/sci-fi/fantasy TV series that may or may not give you the pee shivers…

RIM OF THE WORLD (available now/Netflix™)
“Summer camp has barely begun when aliens suddenly invade the planet. In a campground once teeming with people, four misfit teens are unexpectedly entrusted with a key that carries the secret to stopping the invasion. Without any adults or electronics to help guide the way, it’s clear what they must do: band together, conquer their fears and save the world.”

As much as it’s obvious they’re cashing in on preteens going up against sci-fi odds (Stranger Things, y’all), this one actually works. Watch the first episode and see if it doesn’t suck you in like it was your very first beer.

ABYSS (available now/Netflix™)
“Two people are brought back to life with the help of a soul-reviving marble called ‘Abyss.’ Go Se-yeon is a strikingly beautiful prosecutor who is reincarnated as a lawyer with an ordinary look. Cha Min is a smart, rich yet unattractive businessman who is reborn with the most handsome face ever. As the story unfolds, Go and Cha encounter a series of twists and turns while trying to get to the bottom of their own deaths and revival.”

A Korean fantasy/horror/drama/comedy TV series. That works. What doesn’t: sub-titles, which are like karaoke TV lyrics for the talent-deprived.

GOOD OMENS (May 31, 2019/Amazon Prime™)
“Aziraphale and Crowley, of Heaven and Hell respectively, have grown rather fond of the Earth. So it’s terrible news that it’s about to end. The armies of Good and Evil are amassing. The Four Horsemen are ready to ride. Everything is going according to the Divine Plan…except that someone seems to have misplaced the Antichrist. Can our heroes find him and stop Armageddon before it’s too late?”

A British apocalyptic comedy, which means it’s gonna be loaded with sharp, dry humor and people who talk like the Beatles. Put this at the top of your queue — whatever that is.

STAR TREK: PICARD (CBS All Access/2019)
“Star Trek: Picard features Sir Patrick Stewart reprising his iconic role as Jean-Luc Picard, which he played for seven seasons on Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987 — 1994). The new series will follow this iconic character into the next chapter of his life.

Gotta hand it to the franchise — they keep coming up with new ways to milk that lucrative space cow. It’s kinda weird watching the teaser trailer; Sir Patrick Stewart looks exactly the same as he did 32 years ago — and I thought he looked old then! As good as he was in Star Trek, I’m partial to his older X-Men character, Professor X (aka, Professor Charles Xavier). His future wheelchair is way cooler than my car. Probably gets better mileage, too.

Black Horror, Sequel Monsters, Future Religion

Shudder™, the go-to horror/sci-fi streaming channel, just announced something pretty dang cool. They’re exclusively premiering Horror Noire: A History of Black Horror, an original documentary on Thursday, February 7, 2019. It’s based on the same-named and highly-regarded book by Dr. Robin R. Means Coleman, which means now that it’ll be on TV, I don’t have learn how to read. Sweet!

They’re gonna start with the silent film era and hit the gas from there, Expect tons of interviews with directors, writers and actors, and more.

Horror Noire is doing special screening events in New York and Los Angeles before it makes it to the small screen. Until then, here are a few now available and upcoming horror/sci-fi that may or may not be silent…

MONSTERLAND 2 (available now)
“As monsters continue to destroy the world, we travel around the globe where stories of strange beasts and epic creatures are all too common. Beware a young girl with a brace on her face, she may just eat you alive if you aren’t looking. Watch out for werewolves, vampire hunters, and monsters that eat you from the inside out. No one is safe when the monsters are hiding amongst us and within.”

The best way out of this is to become a monster yourself. I proudly achieved that career goal a long time ago.

THE HARVESTING (available now)
“To escape their marital problems, a young family travels from the city to spend the summer in Amish Country where a malevolent presence grips them. They soon discover that they were brought there for a reason and they must break free before the demonic hold consumes them.”

Malevolent presence and a vacation in an Amish-controlled country? Not sure which would be worse.

LOOPHOLE (available now)
“The future of humanity hangs in the balance, as both sides race against time to find the bloodline of Judas Iscariot (one of the original Twelve Disciples of Jesus Christ). When Lexi, a simple college student, finds herself in the middle of an all-out spiritual war, she is forced to trust a complete stranger. Kidnapped, rescued, then in hiding, she knows she has to act, but will she have enough time to save humanity?”

Heaven battling Hell has been an ongoing theme in horror/sci-fi movies for so long, it sounds like a WWE pay-per-view. They could call it Heaven vs. Hell In A Cell. Heh.

COMA (aka, Koma/January 25, 2019/Russia)
“After a colossal and mysterious accident a young talented architect comes back to his senses in a very odd world that only resembles the reality. This world is based on the memories of the ones who live in it — people who are currently finding themselves in a deep coma. Human memory is spotty, chaotic and unstable. The same is the Coma — odd collection of memories and recollections — cities, glaciers and rivers can all be found in one room. All the laws of physics can be broken. The architect must find out the exact laws and regulations of Coma as he fights for his life, meets the love of his life and keeps on looking for the exit to the real world which he will have to get acquainted with all over again after the experience of Coma.”

This one sounds crazy cool. Though cities, glaciers and rivers all in the same room? Sounds like the bathroom at The Tug Tavern.

Hell vs. Heaven vs. Hell

YI Kwak, a 924 AD demon hunter in the royal demon-hunting squad of Chuh-yong-dae, just lost Yon-hwa, his steady arm candy/fiancée to evil demons. Beats having her dump you and then doing it with one of your friends.

YI Kwak, whose name sounds like the noise a dyslexic demon-hunting duck would make, is freakin’ p*ssed. This spells bad news for demons, evil or not, as YI Kwak has the ability to see the dead, whereas his contemporaries do not. This makes him not only a valuable addition to the warrior squad, but carries a semblance of job security.

YI Kwak and his squad are making headway against the forces of darkness, which at times look like guys in futon sheets. Regardless of thread count, they are STILL EVIL. Still not satisfied, YI Kwak somehow ends up in Joongcheon (or “Midheaven”), the Land of the Dead, while investigating a shrine with no noticeable bathrooms. Joongcheon is that waiting room between Hell and Heaven and Hell (or, in today’s vernacular, between your job and Happy Hour). This is where souls have to wait 49 days before they can be reincarnated. I don’t know why, those are the rules.

Guess who YI Kwak runs into? Guess who has no previous memory? Guess how long he has to wait until he gets second base privileges again? YI Kwak also bumps into his former teacher Ban-chu (what is it with these people and their messed up names?), who is about to lead a rebellious coup on behalf of the demons and a plan to get out of Midheaven and into Outerheavern, where they will cause much grief and the knocking over of stuff.

The Restless (2006) is a lush, stylized fantasy with no blood spilling worth blogging about. While I’d rather look into the glowing red eyes of evil than have to endure any more of YI Kwak and Yon-hwa gazing longingly into each others’ eyes, this ain’t a half bad time waster.

TV Superheroes, Wooden Evil, Bad Babies

Cracking up over the “cover story” of the Daily Planet (where Superman as Clark Kent works for minimum wage) about superheroes uniting to protect the Earth. Whoever mocked this up is a flippin’ genius and probably drinks a lot of smart water.

The article is “written” by Lois Lane. So awesome. But it’s the photo of Superman (George Reeves), Batman (Adam West), Robin (Burt Ward) Wonder Woman (Lynda Carter) and Aquaman (Lloyd Bridges) that’s even better because none of these heroes overlapped in the same time/universe. Conclusive proof: Adventures of Superman aired from 1952 — 1958. Batman aired from 1966 — 1968. Wonder Woman aired from 1975 — 1979. And Sea Hunt (here’s the genius part) aired from 1958 — 1961. Outside of a pilot episode that sunk faster than a heavy metal clam, there was no Aquaman TV series. There was, however, a cartoon series that ran from 1967 — 1970, so someone cast former United States Navy frogman Mike Nelson (Lloyd Bridges) as the scuba-doo underwater hero (Sea Hunt ran for 155 episodes). That he was depicted as Aquaman (in his original DC Comics suit) is full-on brilliant. P.S. Aquaman was punked by Man From Atlantis, which ran from 1977 — 1978, and featured a guy with “amphibious abilities.” That is so low tide.

While I go to Metropolis to get a copy of the Daily Planet and frame it, here’s a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be worthy of a Lois Lane cover story…

BLOOD CHILD (available now)
“After suffering a devastating miscarriage in Singapore, Ashley turns to a witch doctor to help her with the occult practice of raising a ‘ghost child’ and finding the spirit of her lost child. After returning to the States, Ashley and her husband Bill find themselves pregnant again. However, their happiness is short lived as the pregnancy acts as a catalyst for a series of terrifying events that start to occur within their home. The family soon learns that Ashley has brought back a lot more than just memories from Asia. The spirit of their lost child is not about to play second fiddle to the impending new arrival, and unleashes an unspeakable evil upon the household.”

YET ANOTHER evil kid birth movie. Start with Rosemary’s Baby (1968) and go from there. So what do you feed the little home wrecker — Gerber’s™ Demon Peas? (Their strained Hell bananas, though, are to die for. No pun intended.)

ROOTWOOD (2018)
“Students Jessica and William are hosting The Spooky Hour, a podcast about paranormal phenomena and urban legends, when they’re hired by the Hollywood film producer Laura Benott to produce a horror documentary about the Curse of the Wooden Devil. They smell a chance to become famous. Together with their friend Erin they enter Rootwood Forest and investigate the area to find out the truth about the Wooden Devil and his victims.”

Sounds like YET ANOTHER Blair Witch Project (1999) knock-off/rip-off. What if they get there, only to find out the Wooden Devil is just handmade birdhouse? We can only hope satanic seagulls live in it.

THE WIND (2018)
“A supernatural thriller set in the Western frontier of the late 1800s, where a plains-woman is driven mad by the harshness and isolation of the untamed land.”

She’s not looking at the plus side of living way out in the middle of nowhere. No traffic, noisy neighbors and plenty of flesh-eating buffalo to play fetch with and occasionally rub their fuzzy bellies (they really like that). Sounds like a slice of Heaven to me.

ISABELLE (2019)
“An all-American couple dream of starting a family is shattered after they move into the perfect New England neighborhood. Once settled, they soon after descend into the depths of terror as they struggle to survive a genuine threat from a dark presence that appears to want to end their very lives.”

Though this one was originally titled, The Wanting, it should’ve been called The Republicans. It also describes me in a dive bar, or “unkempt tavern.”

Soul Police

Religious fanatics are so stupid. First, they get a bunch of people to believe in their spiritual B.S., and then get them to do a group suicide. Poor business model — no one left to pass the collection plate. 

One woman, part of the cult who killed themselves in the name of RELIGION, survived. Clearly, she wasn’t very good at being spiritual. And she’s pregnant. Clearly, she wasn’t very good at birth control. To pay for this blasphemy she dies giving birth. Let that be a lesson to not mock RELIGION. 

Her daughter grows up to be 20 years old. This coincides with yet another group of religious freaks committing suicide. There’s an up and down side to this scenario if you think about it. The police think a serial killer is to blame. Sort of. Three “soul guardians” show up, looking like regular people, but with mystical powers that don’t include heat vision or the ability to shoot spider webbing out of their arm holes. Too bad. But they’re here for a reason. 

The Forces of Darkness are using the girl to help Satan get back to Earth, thereby causing more of the above. (I didn’t know Satan lived in outer space; isn’t he supposed to be at the center of Earth’s core, eating the Damned with a side of lava? Clearly, I have the wrong version of the Bible.)

The Soul Guardians (1998; called Toemarok in its homeland of South Korea), has more visual special effects than a religious fanatic’s conception of Heaven, and looks as slick as a televangelist. But evil doesn’t look evil enough, there are no steaming entrails or vomit-covered collection plates. I have to give props to the “soul knife,” though. That thing was cool and I wish to own one. Maybe if I rub the lamp harder, Jesus will pop out and grant me my fondest desires. 

The Soul Guardians, while mildly entertaining and whiz-bang visuals, needed more evil and less goodness. Or visa versa.

Demonic Booze ’n Smoke Monster

It sucks when you die and then wake up on a deserted beach, cold gray weather, a lighthouse with beams that give you mega migraines, no 7-Elevens™ within sight, and satanic black smoke exploding with a bang all around you. To top it off, there’s a shack-y house nearby with three girls and one lucky guy. They’re dead, too, but don’t care as they’re having sex with their clothes on (is that even legal?), drinking gallons of vodka from an endless supply of bottles, and blasting dumb rave music while they do all of the above. Oh, and there’s a giant sorta electric bubble all around the house and its getting smaller. Time for more vodka!

Doesn’t take long for one of ‘em to figure out they’re dead and in Hell’s waiting room. But why, oh why are they there? Connecting long-shot dots, all of five people were at an over-capacity nightclub, dancing like idiots, when the roof caved in. All washed up on the beach and took over the abandoned house to party, drink massive amounts of refreshing adult beverages and have clothed sex.

While this is going on, one girl keeps disappearing and reappearing. Wish I could do that. Then the smartest girl figures out they each did something not cool, which put them in this predicament. Arguments ensure and the one guy yells and curses and ends up on the beach, where the demonic smoke monster has non-consensual relations with the back side of his swim suit area. The girls all think this is funny. It actually kinda is as he’s a loudmouth punk.

They end up killing holler boy and manage to catch the demon smoke monster in a wooden crate. In order to get it to answer their questions, they douse it with booze. Pffft! — I do the same thing all the time. They discover they’re all screwed and that the sorta electric bubble is gonna put a stop to all their groaning and moaning.

AfterDeath (2015) is an interesting but kinda confusing horror movie in that you really don’t know what’s going on during the grand finale. Had something to do with one of ‘em needing to go to Heaven before the bubble bursts their bubble, and one going to that…other place. So yeah, you do get to know why the main character is there (I really want to spoil this for you, but I’m feeling charitable today), and while the movie does end rather abruptly, it left one blazing question unanswered: where can one get the crate that never runs out of booze?