Archive for UK

Soulless Hamburgers, Evil Churches, Infected Farmers

Posted in Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 18, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Burger King Halloween

I usually don’t get gooned out by stuff I’ve seen in movies. But in real life, stand back — barf-o-rama. In this case, the spew-inducing instigator is the new black Halloween hamburgers from McDonald’s™ and Burger King™ in Japan. The Mickey D’s hockey pucks have squid ink dyed hamburger buns. Whereas the Burger King buns sport not only a charcoal-esque pallor but black cheese as well. I just felt my throat contract.

McDonald's Halloween

Japan’s squid ink burger will set you back 370 yen, which translates to $3.40 U.S. bit coins/paper route money. This does not include tar milkshakes or burnt shoestring fries.

Burger King Halloween

The Burger KingBlack Ninja Burger actually has two spin-offs (or “sequels”): the Kuro Diamond and Kuro Pearl, which feature not just black buns, but slices of cheese and a tangy sauce that look dark enough to come from an H.P. Lovecraft novel.

Both hell-spawn sandwiches are available now if you live in Japan. For those of us not adventurous enough to stick one of those things in our collective black holes, will just have to settle for these just released and upcoming (and hopefully digestible) horror and sci-fi movies…

Scaler, Dark Spirit

SCALER, DARK SPIRIT (available now/VOD)
“A paranormal researcher is given video footage that reveals clues to an ancient evil residing in catacombs beneath the old city church.”

Reminiscent of John Carpenter’s Prince of Darkness (1987), wherein a college theoretic physics team and professor with one squint-y eye investigates a sentient, swirly green liquid in a large glass mayonnaise jar in the basement of an old Catholic church. It turns out to be wet Satan, but those with a degree at first deduce it to be a septic tank for the church’s unholy leavings. Close.

Trauma

TRAUMA (2017)
“Four friends visit a rural locality of Chile, are brutally attacked by a man and his son. After not finding help in the town, they decide to confront these men with the help of a pair of policemen. But in this way, they will discover that their attackers have in their blood the direct legacy of the darkest period of Chilean history and will have to face the most brutal enemy.”

Try not to confuse this Trauma with about, oh, a dozen other movies with the same title, dating back to the ancient days of 1993. So you can watch this and have a bowl of Chile. Or not watch it and have a bowl of chili. Without beans.

3 Hours Till Dead

3 HOURS TILL DEAD (available now/VOD)
“An AWOL soldier with PTSD goes into hiding along with his brother and a few friends. They retreat into a rural farm area unaware that the outside world has ceased to function. On their way back to civilization, his brother is attacked by an infected farmer. He quickly morphs into a rabid animal and lives for exactly three hours. Realizing they are in grave danger, they head back to the forest trying to outlive the legions of the infected.”

This may have come out in the year 2016 on some sort of physical media, but these are things I know not of which I speak. That spoken, the be attacked by an infected, rabid farmer is not new. With all the chicken/cow/pig/horse dropping farmers get on their hands and then rub their eyes (probably due to hay fever), it’s a wonder we’re all not infected from the farm food those guys handle without using convenient moist towelettes and anti-bacterial soap from a push button dispenser. Still, a zombie farmer — that’s kinda neat.

Dead Body

DEAD BODY (2018)
“Several friends decide to celebrate their high school graduation at a lake house in the woods. One of the classmates recommends that they play the old-fashioned game of Dead Body. In the game, one player is ‘the body,’ one player is ‘the killer’ and all of the other players try to figure out whodunit. Unfortunately, on this particular night, the game ends up featuring a real-life killer. The bodies begin piling up and, in an ‘Agatha Christie And Then There Were None’ style mystery, the survivors are forced to figure out who the killer is amongst them — before there is no one left standing.”

This one’s been banging around the film festival circuit since 2015. Still, sounds like the classic board game Clue (called Cluedo in the UK), which first came out in 1949. I don’t think that one had a real-life killer in it, though. Those guys cheat all the time.

Werewolves, Vampires, Electric Sheep

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 10, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Halloween Horrorthon

Insanely cool ad art to promote the upcoming 2017 Halloween Horrorthon on Saturday, October 21 at the Cinema Arts Centre in Huntington, NY. Presented by the groovy folk at Retro Picture Show, the all night horror movie marathon is scheduled to include 35mm screenings of Halloween 3: Season of the Witch (1982), House of 1000 Corpses (2003), Scream Blacula Scream (1973), Psycho III (1986), Tourist Trap (1979) and Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell (1974). All that’s missing are Horrorthon-branded pajamas and a mix ‘n match blankie.

Halloween Horrorthon

If you want the event poster, which designed by artist Marc Schoenbach and inspired by Halloween 3, its available as a 24” x 36” print, as well as a several versions of T-shirts. (What — no ’jammies?) And it won’t slash your wallet — most everything Horrorthon for sale is $20. Buy tickets to the marathon and e-purchase the goodie-goods HERE.

For those of us not within Uber™ spitting distance of Huntington, NY, here are a few just released/upcoming horror and sci-fi flicks that may or may not make you stain your jams…

Predatory Moon

PREDATORY MOON (available now)
Kyle Reading investigates an alleged bear attack where the survivor is showing unusual symptoms. Unfortunately for him, there is someone who sees an advantage to having a stranger in town who cries ‘werewolf’.”

Bears get all the credit every time someone sees something big and hairy in the woods. (Which is why I don’t venture into the underbrush to enjoy a private moment every now and again.) Even Bigfoot himself has been described as fake news and that he’s nothing more than a bear standing on two legs, all the while swinging his knuckle-dragging arms around as if on So You Think You Can Dance. Maybe its a were-bear. Common mistake.

Monsters Among Men

MONSTERS AMONG MEN (available now)
“An egocentric businessman awakens deep in the woods to find he has been abducted by a subversive group of vampires disguised and living among us. He must not only escape their clutches, but save his beloved girlfriend before time, the truth, and his kidnappers catch up with him.”

Geez, vampires desperate enough to kidnap egocentric businessmen? They must be really hungry to dine on corporate b-holes. Maybe we should open a blood bank and give all the vampires ATM cards. It’s the Christian thing to do.

The Virus

THE VIRUS (available now)
“A group of film students find a top secret test facility hidden in the wilderness. Unknown to them, the hospital was ground zero for a large-scale test of a truth serum based ten years earlier; a test that went disastrously wrong. Now infected with the deadly virus, the students fight against time, guards, each other and an inability to lie to find the truth.”

Cracks me up that scientists have been trying to develop a truth serum when alcohol has been doing a fine job of making people unbury their secrets since the dawn of time. In fact, I plan on having a six-pack of truth serum tonight.

Phillip K. Dick's Electric Dreams

PHILLIP K. DICK’S ELECTRIC DREAMS (2017/2018/Amazon Prime™)
“From the mind of the prolific sci-fi author, comes the new anthology series Philip K. Dick’s Electric Dreams. With 10 standalone episodes and a sweeping all-star cast, each epic story will explore fantasy, humanity, and a future we’ve only begun to imagine.”

Looking forward to this having been a fan of Phil back when I used to read. My first introduction was a high school book report on Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? (1968). I thought I was gonna be reading about a sci-fi barnyard robot goat. Instead I got global thermonuclear war. Dang it. Cooler, though, are the sci-fi movies based on Dicky’s work: Blade Runner (1982), Total Recall (1990/2012), Minority Report (2002), A Scanner Darkly (2006), and The Adjustment Bureau (2011). P.S. This TV series, though, has already started airing in the UK. It’s on Channel 4 in case you live in the vicinity of a British television.

Affordable Sharks, Maniac Babysitters, Killer TV

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Sharks, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 4, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shark Hotel

Shark Hotel, unfortunately, is not a real movie, though it should be. The homage to the old lurid VHS cover art was expertly designed by Rob Schrab.

There’s a real Shark Hotel, though. It’s in the UK (there’s also one in Sydney, Australia), and looks to be perfect for those traveling abroad on a budget made of shoestring. Here’s the bait: “Featuring marine-themed murals and mood lighting, the casual cabin-style rooms sleep up to 4 guests (2 in bunk beds), and include free Wi-Fi, flat-screen TVs, and tea and coffee-making facilities. Shark Hotel is on the edge of Fleet Lake within the Thorpe Park theme park. This quirky hotel with a shark-shaped entrance and is a 5-minute walk from Derren Brown’s Ghost Train and two miles from the M25 motorway. A breakfast buffet and parking are free, while fast-track access to rides is also offered. There’s an informal restaurant/bar.”

Shark Hotel

Sharks, ghosts, bunk beds and an informal restaurant/bar? This sounds like the British version of Disneyland. Whilst I rummage around for holiday shillings (probably some stashed under my kip — look it up), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as entertaining as an informal restaurant/bar or a British bunk bed…

The Babysitter

THE BABYSITTER (October 13, 2017/Netflix™)
“Cole is madly in love with his babysitter, Bee. She’s cool and awesome in all the ways Cole is not. One evening while Bee is babysitting, Cole witnesses the unthinkable. Now he must survive a night full of first kisses, first broken hearts, and first encounters with homicidal maniacs.”

So the object of Cole’s pants desire is a homicidal maniac. As babysitting techniques go, you can’t argue with its effectiveness.

Slasher: Guilty Party

SLASHER: GUILTY PARTY (October 17, 2017/Netflix™)
“In the remote Canadian winter wilderness, a group of former summer camp counselors are forced to return to the isolated campground to retrieve evidence of a crime they committed in their youth. Before long the group, and the camp’s latest inhabitants — members of a spiritual retreat with their own secrets to hide — find themselves targeted by someone — or something — out for horrific revenge.”

A masked killer with a sharp hunting knife is hunting down young girls for Cuisinarting purposes. Where have I heard that before? Oh, I know — about 3,000 same-themed movies ago.

All I See Is You

ALL I SEE IS YOU (October 27, 2017)
“Gina and husband James have an almost perfect marriage. After being blinded as a child in a nearly fatal car crash that claimed her parent’s lives, Gina depends on James to be her eyes-a dependence that appears to solidify their passionate relationship. It seems the only real hardship this loving couple faces is difficulty conceiving a child but when Gina is given the opportunity to have a corneal transplant and regains her vision, their life and relationship are upended. Gina now sees the world with a new sense of wonder and independence which James finds threatening. It is only when Gina suddenly begins to lose her sight again that she finally realizes the disturbing reality of their marriage and their lives.”

The lively Blake Lively stars in this one. Last time I saw her, she was being manhandled by a crazy mad shark (The Shallows/2016). Now it looks like she’s about to face off with a marriage shark. Those, I hear, are crazy mad.

The Murder Show

THE MURDER SHOW (2017/2018)
“A journalist’s search for clues leading to his sisters disappearance lands him on a disturbing hidden website inside the deep web called The Murder Show. He soon finds himself being stalked by the twisted psychopaths that run the site.”

There are twisted psychopaths on the Internet? Why in Steve Jobs’ name didn’t anyone tell me? I’ll have to be careful where I click and impulse shop.

Blood, Leather and Mom

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 19, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bloody Bits: Shorts Compilation

Still marveling over technology’s ability to stop a horror movie long enough for you to go to the bathroom, and then resume when you’re done. (Did you wash your hands?) Wonder if they make digital catheters, you know, to eliminate the middle man?

Anyway, here’s some plausible pause-ables…

BLOODY BITS (available now)
Black Fawn Distribution, in association with essential Canadian horror film festival Blood In The Snow (BITS), has released the brand new short horror film compilation entitled Bloody BITS – Shorts Compilation. The collection highlights seven of the film festival’s best short horror films and, in support of the DVD’s new release, which is currently available for order exclusively through blackfawndistribution.com.”

I like horror shorts. Not the ones I’m wearing, but the “wham, bam, thank you ma’am” mini movies that cater to my ADD. Normally, I’d just knock that condition into submission with six or eleven beers. But short horror movies achieve the same results, though not nearly as fun.

Leatherface

LEATHERFACE (available now/UK)
“Four wannabe actors take part in a horrifying reality show in which a serial killer stalks them in a remote cabin and their reactions are filmed for TV. The survivor of the week is promised $1 million and the starring role in their very own horror film. The only problem is the role of the killer is being played by a maniacal murderer who has been let out of an insane asylum to continue his reign of terror.”

This one’s a lawsuit-in-a-can. There’s already an official Texas Chainsaw Massacre spin-off called Leatherface (as deftly reported here back in October 2016) pending a 2017 release. This RIP-OFF Leatherface has been released in the UK and has nothing to do with the TCM franchise, even though the guy on the front looks deceptively similar, as does his choice of power tools. International wars were started over far less.

The Belko Experiment

THE BELKO EXPERIMENT (March 17, 2017/VOD)
“The American Belko company in South America is mysteriously sealed off at the beginning of a work day and its employees are ordered to kill each other or be killed themselves. This starts an escalation of violence, where we discover the true nature of each and every Belko employee.”

Corporate employees killing each other. So much for an HR department. Wondering though — if you get killed, does that take away from your accrued vacation time?

Killing Ground

KILLING GROUND (2017)
“Ian and Samantha arrive at an isolated campsite to find an SUV and a tent — no sign of the occupants. As night falls and the campers fail to return, Ian and Sam grow increasingly uneasy. The discovery of a distressed child wandering in the woods unleashes a terrifying chain of events that will test them to breaking point.”

Time to invoke the legally-binding “finder’s keepers” claim here and score yourself some new wheels and a portable roof over your head. Don’t be a douche — do the right thing and leave a thank-you note.

Borderline

BORDERLINE (2017)
“Maria and Silvia have lost their mother and they have decided to put her to rest in the nearby forest. One of the sisters becomes unhinged by the loss. Her mental instability leads to tragedy as the other sibling and others do their best to survive this dark encounter.”

Bigfoot’s not gonna cotton to you burying your garbage on his property. This also makes me wonder why the sisters are dumping no-longer-mom in the woods and side-stepping a formal funeral with all the bling? Maybe they were adopted.

Ghosts, Voodoo and Ex-Wives

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 12, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Blackburn

I just figured this out the other day — it’ll take me 120 years to watch every horror/sci-fi movie ever made. And that’s IF Hollywood and all these do-it-yourself Scorceses stop making more of ’em right now; I don’t think I have much more than another 120 years left in me.

BLACKBURN (available now)
“A forest fire and rock-slide trap five bickering college friends in a small Alaskan ghost town with a horrifying history. When they seek refuge inside the torched ruins of Blackburn Asylum, they must fight to survive as the angry inhabitants slaughter the friends one-by-one.”

This one came out in the UK last September (2015, if you’re entering this in some sort of blog log). Why they got it before my zip code is a stunning affront to my community standing as a dumbass horror movie fanatic. Blackburn is another “ghosts in an abandoned insane asylum” story. On second thought, the UK can keep it as I’ve seen that SAME MOVIE 150,000 times. Give or take.

Voodoo

VOODOO (February 24, 2017)
“Dani, an innocent southern girl, is vacationing in Los Angeles to evade her increasingly complicated life. Once Dani arrives in L.A., she learns that trying to escape her past is not as easy as she had hoped.”

Makes you wonder what an “innocent southern girl” did that was so f’d up as to run away to Los Angeles, home of f’d up people with bad pasts, presents and futures. I bet as part of her chores she forgot to milk a cow and it exploded. Now there’s a movie I could get into.

The Ninth Passenger

THE NINTH PASSENGER (2017)
“There are eight partying college students aboard the luxury yacht owned by an evil biotechnology CEO, who’s the father of one of the passengers. The trip goes sideways when they drift to a dark island and both their engine and radio fail. At the same time “something” sneaks onto the yacht — the ninth passenger.”

Could the ninth passenger be an island seal with a penchant for human flesh? We eat seals, so it’s only fair they get a shot at our blubber for a change. Too bad the boat isn’t loaded with Eskimos; that’d be some epic payback.

Red Net

RED NET (2017)
“Internet hackers are looking for a missing man, but what they find are shocking videos in which a man is questioned and severely tortured by two mysterious women.”

Gonna toss this out there: They’re both his ex-wives. If so, the poor guy is beyond doomed.

Ghosts, Gore and Gods

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 3, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Abattoir

A mixed bag of horror, sci-fi and adventure fantasy up-n-comers as of right now this dang minute. You may proceeed…

ABATTOIR (out now / UK – December 9, 2016 / US (VOD)
“A real estate reporter unearths an urban legend about a house being built from rooms where horrific tragedies have occurred. The investigation ultimately leads to the enigmatic Jebediah Crone and the answer to the terrifying question, “How do you build a haunted house?”

To build a haunted house with intent you’ll need plenty of polter-plywood and supernatural sheetrock for starters. When you’re done, you’ll need to put it up on CraigsList™ as deferred rent for ghosts to make it more haunt-y. (Spirits won’t pay because banks don’t allow the dead to have active checking accounts. Stupid neighborhood lending institutions.)

Lavender

LAVENDER (2017)
“Jane, a photographer, is forced to come to terms with her mysterious and tragic past after a horrendous car accident robs her of her memory. Along with her husband and daughter, Jane returns to her childhood home to regain control of her life. It’s there she must confront a mysterious lurking force and grapple with a past that continues to haunt her.”

Not buying it for a mysterious and haunted second. First, if Jane lost her memory, how does she know that’s her husband and daughter? Could be actors for all she knows. Secondly, if Jane lost her memory, how does she know where her childhood home is and why it haunts her? The filmmakers need to rethink this entire thing. (Note to whomsoever made this movie: I have a new script ready to go. Like you, it only took me 12 minutes to write.)

The Dark Tapes

THE DARK TAPES (2017)
“A radical horror anthology. Five smart, original stories, each one more terrifying than the other.”

So does “radical” mean “favoring, supporting, or representing extreme forms of religious fundamentalism,” or “bitchin’”? For my sake I hope it’s the latter. This is played-out found footage fare, so probably neither.

Thor: Ragnarok

THOR: RAGNARÖK (2017)
Thor returns to Asgard when his home realm is threatened by the Ragnarök, which is the Norse apocalypse.”

A slight stretch to call this horror or sci-fi. (Asgard, Thor’s gated community, combined magic with science eons ago. I believe they now call it “scagic.”) But hey, however much adventure horror/sci-fi it is (or isn’t), the movie is said to feature monster-esque non-Earthers and the Mjölnir, that awesome hammer Thor thor-ows around (heh). Can you imagine, though, if Thor was accessorized with a magic screwdriver instead? How embarrassing to the other Nine Realms would that be?

Ragnarok

P.S. Attempt to not confuse this one with Ragnarok, a 2013 Norwegian horror movie in which an archaeologist digs up mysterious runes describing Ragnarök, the Viking legend of the end of the world, and accidentally awakens a giant monster. Oops to that.

Werewolves, Vampires, Demons, Rap

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 29, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Nails

A new batch of upcoming grisly goodies for you to evaluate and possibly pay the filmmaker’s rent by viewing ’em through the looking glass that is your wallet…

NAILS (2017)
“Dana Milgrom, a track coach who, having survived a near-death car accident, finds herself completely paralyzed and trapped inside her own body. While recovering she becomes convinced that an evil presence exists inside her hospital room and is intent on killing her.”

Pffft – the evil presence is the impending medical bill your health insurance won’t cover.

Tank 432

TANK 432 (November 25, 2016 / Limited)
“On the run and with nowhere to hide, a group of soldiers and their two prisoners take cover from a mysterious enemy inside an abandoned military war tank. While they try to keep the forces outside at bay, secrets are uncovered and little do they realize the real enemy is already among them, locked inside Tank 432.”

This one’s been out in the UK since August of 2015. Even so, the press release all but gives away the punchline by pointing out one of the prisoners is a werewolf. Okay, I don’t know for sure he’s a werewolf. But in cases like these, it’s best to just go with werewolf. Works in a lot more real life applications than you’d think.

Raw

RAW (march 10, 2017 / Limited)
“Everyone in Justine’s family is a vet – and a vegetarian. At 16, she’s a brilliant and promising student. When she starts at veterinary school, she enters a decadent, merciless and dangerously seductive world. During the first week of hazing rituals, desperate to fit in whatever the cost, she strays from her family principles when she eats raw meat for the first time. Justine will soon face the terrible and unexpected consequences of her actions when her true self begins to emerge.”

When Animals Dream / Dread

Sounds like a mash-up of Denmark’s When Animals Dream (2014) and Clive Barker’s Dread (2009). As part of its “face your fears” experiment, Dread features a gal who was sexually abused by her father, an employee at a meat packing plant. Not shockingly, she can’t even smell meat being cooked without gooning out.

As a test, she’s involuntarily forced to reconsider her culinary aversion after being locked in a room for days with no food except you know what. She tries to hold out, but as science tells us, room temperature beef has a tendency to go maggot-y and rancid-y when left out. Still, better than whatever Gas-n-Go™ calls a burger these days.

That said, I’m guessing the girl in Raw is either a werewolf or a cannibal or a line chef at Gas-n-Go™. Or a combination thereof.

Evolution

EVOLUTION (November 25, 2016 / Limited)
“A young boy living in a mysterious, isolated seaside clinic uncovers the sinister purposes of his keepers.”

I liked this better when it was called Morgan (2016). P.S. He’s probably a werewolf.

Bloodrunners

BLOODRUNNERS (2017)
“By 1933 Prohibition has proven a booming enterprise, where average citizens break the law, hide in the shadows and operate at night. While shaking down the newest speakeasy in the local underground, corrupt cop Jack Malone and his men uncover a clan of vampires hell bent on taking over the town. Now Chesterfield (Ice-T), an ancient vampire, and his horde must hide their secret at any cost.”

Rap/movie/media superstar Ice-T is pretty dang cool. More so as a vampire. I still think rap music sucks AND blows, though. (Note to rap music fans: There is a cure for your affliction – IRON MAIDEN.)