Killer Clay, Killer Curse, Killer Grunge Rock

You can do a lot of things with clay — wad it up and throw it at people, stuff it in your ears to block out the neighbor who just won’t lay off the leaf-blower, shape it like a turd and leave it next to the bathroom toilet… But UK artist Lizzie Campbell, a clay artist and illustrator, uses it to create classic horror movie posters. And hey, they stick to the walls without tacks or nails.

Clay Disarray: Clay Art & Illustration, Lizzie’s website, is loaded with super creative clay horror movie “posters”: Day of the Dead, They Live, The Witch, Carrie, IT, Salem’s Lot and a lot more. She even recreates classic art (The Scream, Mona Lisa) and historical figures (Henry VIII, The Beatles) in colorful polymer clay. The best part is she has a YouTube™ channel (click here) where you can watch here create the art and even offers tutorials, though once you master the clay turd, you’re pretty much at the top of your game.

So while we all go back to playing with our Silly Putty™, here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not belong next to — or in — a bathroom toilet…

HALF DEAD FRED / Out now (Amazon Prime Video™)

“A mysterious murder takes place in Flint, Michigan and medium detective Freddy Nash is on the case. Years ago Fred was victim to a fatal car accident that left not only Fred but his 9-year-old son dead. A few seconds after his death he came back to life in the hospital. Since this traumatic accident he has acquired the ability to see the dead. The case turns out to be much more than a murder.”

This premise was used nearly 25 years ago in The Sixth Sense (1999). And all those ghosts in that movie? Still around.

SKARECROW: THE CURSE NEVER DIES / March 28, 2023 (DVD)

“When the vile James Brothers murder an innocent woman to take over her land, her dying breath places a curse on the family through a scarecrow. Years later, a descendant of the James family has taken his friends to the old cabin for the weekend. They soon find the curse and the scarecrow are still wanting blood.”

For the James family descendants, it’ll be the last…straw. Comedy gold, right there.

BLISS OF EVIL / Release pending 2023 (VOD, DVD)

“A sound engineer is forced to confront her trauma when she and her girlfriend’s grunge band are trapped in a recording studio by a shadowy killer.”

Too bad Screaming Life was already used by a grunge band (Soundgarden). Seems like it’d be the perfect album title for these grungers given the circumstances.

HOMESTEAD / Release Pending 2023 (VOD)

“A family of homesteaders taken captive by a gang of outlaws. Their survival comes to rest in the hands of Irene, a loud-mouthed 12-year-old girl who’s got an uncanny knack for shooting guns.”

Yeah, I didn’t think this was a horror movie, either. However, Homestead is being described as a “nail-biting mesh of Rob Zombie’s House of 1000 Corpses (2003) and the hit Yellowstone spin-off 1883.” They had me at mesh.

The Horror of Seattle, Fake UFOs, Pyschedelic Moon

Finally — a film festival I can get to by bus/Lime™ e-scooter — Make Believe Seattle is my home town’s first-ever dedicated genre film fest devoted to horror, science fiction, fantasy, animation and related genre movies. Taking place March 23-26, 2023, the press release says it’ll be an “exclusively in-person event, with venues including SIFF Cinema Egyptian, Northwest Film Forum, West Hall (part of Century Ballroom), and Queer/Bar.” All I have to do is load up the fanny pack with enough snacks to sustain me for four days, and I’m all set.

Of the many films being screened (normally called “movies”, but not when they’re being premiered at an arts festival) include, Aliens Abducted My Parents And Now I feel Kinda Left Out, The Five Devils, Black Lodge, Poundcake, Pursued, Freaks Out and the fan film, Friday the 13th Vengeance 2: Bloodlines. There’s lots more, but it’d be easier on me if you’d just go to Make Believe Seattle’s website (click here) for the drill-down. P.S. Tickets range in price from $25.00 (Party Pass) to $150.00 (VIP Festival Pass).

While we find YET ANOTHER reason to skip work in anticipation of this film fest, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi TV series that may or may not be viewable accompanied by a well-stocked fanny snack pack…

THE UFO CHRONICLES: A HISTORY OF MYSTERIOUS SIGHTINGS / Out now (Amazon Prime Video™)

“As the discourse surrounding artificial intelligence builds, The UFO Chronicles: A History of Mysterious Sightings utilizes the technology as the first documentary feature written, illustrated, and performed entirely by AI. Co-directors Brian Cunningham and Matt Niehoff explore the intriguing history of unidentified flying objects, uncovering accounts of encounters from Christopher Columbus to the USS Nimitz. With a script, on-screen narrator, and footage all generated by AI, The UFO Chronicles both demonstrates the potential and pushes the boundaries of what’s possible with AI in the field of filmmaking.

If this thing is successful, AI is gonna put a lot of real UFOs out of work.

INVALUABLE: THE TRUE STORY OF AN EPIC ARTIST / Out now (Synapse Films™, DiabolikDVD™)

“This feature-length documentary focuses on Tom Sullivan, an artist/sculptor and college friend of Sam Raimi, Bruce Campbell and Rob Tapert who became an integral part of The Evil Dead films — creating makeup effects and designing the Book of the Dead, among others. It includes archival behind-the-scenes Super-8 film footage, Hi8, VHS, and vintage audiotapes and photographs, original location visits and all-new interviews with Campbell, Ted Raimi, Josh Becker, Danny Hicks, Hal Delrich, Ellen Sandweiss, Betsy Baker, Theresa Tilly (aka, Sarah York) and others.”

Not a compelling title for the guy who designed groundbreaking demonic vomit. (I’d have titled it, The Master of Puke, Grandmaster Puke or The Puke of Earl.) There’s four hours of bonus material, but probably doesn’t include a vomit stain removal tutorial. You’ll have to go to YouTube™ for that (click here).

WRECK / March 1, 2023 (Hulu™)

“19-year-old new recruit Jamie infiltrates a 1,000-strong crew in a desperate race to find his missing sister, who worked on the same ship but vanished mid-charter. An overworked and underpaid crew live lives of partying and excess and they remain oblivious to bloodthirsty murders taking place on board.”

Wreck is a six-episode dark comedy UK TV series that premiered in British Land in October of 2022. I vaguely recall that year. Come to think of it, I’m a bit London foggy on the whole UK thing as well. Is that an actual town or a malt vinegar fish ’n chips pop-up booth?

MOON GARDEN / Release pending 2023 (Theaters, VOD)

“When a little girl has a terrible accident and slips into a coma, she finds herself thrust into a darkly surreal industrial dreamworld. Haunted by a nightmarish spectre that feeds off her tears, she must follow her mother’s radio-static voice to find her way back to consciousness.”

If this movie sounds familiar, it’s because it played a few snobby art house theaters (where movie popcorn is eaten with a gloved hand and sodas sipped with pinky extended) in 2022. But don’t hold that against Moon Garden — just watch the trailer on YouTube™ and try and figure out how they pulled off all those phantasmagorical visuals without being strung out on psychedelic drugs. P.S. Don’t do drugs. 

Sheet-Faced, Alien Chart-Toppers, Cursed Knick Knacks

If you’re looking to break free of Bed, Bath & Beyond’s™ death grip on the sheets/blankets industrial complex, click on over to Wonderskull.com and become awash in skull horror duvets with matching pillowcases — and do away with your visually flaccid Nestwell™ Supreme Softness Plush Blankets and decorative pillows.

Wonderskull.com’s mattress-blowing selection of staggeringly artful skull duvet sets (172 and counting) will change your night life for an average price of $89.95. And with sizes ranging from US Twin to UK Super King (isn’t that the name of England’s president?), they have your bed covered. Heh.

The duvets aren’t the only things Wonderskull.com offers. Check out their like-themed area rugs, lamps and candles to accentuate your new bed clothes. And speaking of clothes, They offer a plethora of horror, steampunk, Gothic, Victorian, and witchy sleepwear and lingerie, bikini and swimsuit, to hoodies and rompers (short pants trousers). Heck, they’re so cool, you could charge people to come over and look at you.

While you’re trying to figure out where to donate your stained sheets (try Motel 6™) and turn your four-legged futon into the nightmare of your dreams, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you soil your stylishly adorned bed…

TOP 25 ALIEN ENCOUNTERS: UFO CASE FILES EXPOSED / Out now (Apple TV™)

“The recent revelation that the U.S. Government has been actively investigating UFO sightings and encounters has opened a new chapter in the pursuit of truth behind alien visitations. Top 25 Alien Encounters explores some of the most mind-blowing cases of recent times, exposing new details behind hidden secrets, suppressed evidence and cover-ups. Stunning military encounters, astronaut accounts, abductions, crashed UFO retrievals, alien body examinations, startling witness confessions, NASA’s™ subversive agenda and much more reveal a foreboding reality — that they no longer hide in the shadows, but are looming over us in plain sight.”

Pffft —my alien abduction case didn’t even make their Top 30. There’s your real suppressed evidence/cover-up.

DISQUIET / February 10, 2023 (Paramount+/VOD)

“After a near-fatal car accident, Sam wakes to discover he is trapped in an abandoned hospital by mysterious and sinister forces that have no intention of letting him leave.”

Don’t be fooled by the lackluster title and sales pitch — the trailer for this one looks like the stepchild of Resident Evil (2002) and Silent Hill (2006). And that’s a good thing.

ANT-MAN AND THE WASP: QUANTUMANIA / February 17, 2023 (Theaters) 

“Together, with Hope’s parents Hank Pym and Janet Van Dyne, the family finds themselves exploring the Quantum Realm, interacting with strange new creatures and embarking on an adventure that will push them beyond the limits of what they thought was possible.”

What they’ll discover is the creature-dwelling Quantum Realm is really…the Tug Tavern. (Like you didn’t see that coming.)

FREE TO A BAD HOME / February 17, 2023 (VOD)

“The lives of three strangers — a widow, a thief and an addict — are terrorized by cursed objects and those that spread them.”

I have a bedeviled candy dish. Everything that comes out of it makes you fat.

DYI Mad Scientist, Robot Animals, Worshiping Werewolves

Ever wanted to be a mad scientist but couldn’t find a lab coat on Amazon.com? Now you can live out your experimental aspirations with My Father’s Work, an extensive, intricately designed and app-driven board game from Renegade Games™. Your delirium-inducing Checkers game has just been shown the door. 

From Renegade Games description: “My Father’s Work allows two to four players to experience life through the eyes of three generations of mad scientists as they strive to complete a unique masterwork, such as “The Creature”, “Lycanthropic Strength”, “Love Potion”, “Immortality”… even “A Time Machine”, among others. To do so, they’ll have to further their scientific studies and experiments with lesser pursuits that will lead to more grandiose discoveries.”

If that wasn’t enough to make you shell out $125 for the game, there’s more: “Mechanically, My Father’s Work is a euro-style “worker placement” game, but one with a massive amount of theme and narrative heaped upon it. The game’s designer, T.C. Petty III, confirmed what inspired him. “Yes, 100% for the classic cast of Universal Monsters and Hammer Films with Christopher Lee’s iconic Dracula. The aesthetic leans very hard on classic, early horror film tropes: Gothic mansion on the hill, lightning strikes, howling wolves, over-the-top horror logo, unnatural noir lighting – the works.”

Of course there’s way more to My Father’s Work than that. Go to their website and see for yourself. After you do that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you give up playing Checkers…

TRANSFORMERS: RISE OF THE BEASTS / June, 2023 (Theaters)

In 1994, a pair of archaeologists from Brooklyn come into an ancient conflict through a globe-trotting adventure that ties in with three factions of Transformers: the Maximals, the Predacons and the Terrorcons battling robotic animals.

Pffft — Mecha-Kong was a robotic animal in 1967 — way before all these ultra-crappy Transformer sequels.

WEREWOLF CABAL / Release pending 2022/2023 (VOD)

“An American author travels to a small rural town in the UK to collect an inheritance after his estranged mother dies. During his stay, he uncovers a cabal that worship Lycanthrope.”

Worshiping the Lycanthrope goes back as far as 1985. Specifically, Silver Bullet, where the local preacher was a werewolf. If you didn’t pray, you became prey. Heh.

THE FLOOD / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A daring jail break during a dangerous storm is interrupted by hungry alligators.”

Alligators in prison. They should be, what with all their racist smack talk against crocodiles.

BRIGHTWOOD / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A couple on the verge of divorce find themselves mysteriously trapped while on a run around a pond.”

If I was on the verge of divorce, I wouldn’t run around a pond. I’d run to a bar — to celebrate.

Zombie Headwear, Pig People, Lab Rats

Horror movie make-up legend Tom Savini and his Trick or Treat Studios is once again making his line of Halloween (or church) full-head zombie masks available for money. This is good news for those of us who want to explore a new fashion look for around $25.00. (No word if these masks are made of human skin.)

Savini knows what a zombie should look like, having worked on such horror movies as Dawn of the Dead (1978), Day of the Dead (1985) and even directing the Night of the Living Dead reboot in 1990. Using his vast experience and flesh-rotting art skills, Savini is offering the mask models “Graves,” “Mort” and “Tombed”, which will ship in August/September 2019.

While you hit up the boss for an advance on your paycheck to get in on this action, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be suitable for Halloween and/or church…

I’M JUST F*CKING WITH YOU (April 1, 2019/Hulu™)
“A man and his sister on the way to a family wedding endure a night of increasingly frightening practical jokes during a one-night stay at a secluded motel.”

Great movie title. Bet parents will be taking their under-age kids to this one.

RED 11 (pending distribution/2019)
“Red 11 is a horror/thriller set in a dark, twisted version of the Legal Drug Research world. At these facilities, young guys become lab rats to make quick money, but our hero RED 11 is here to buy his way out of a huge debt to the tune of $7,000. This story shows the quirks, characters, and comedy of being a human lab rat, but with a sci-fi and horror twist, because while under the influence of experimental drugs, Red 11 doesn’t know if what’s in front of him is fact or fiction.”

This one is from Robert Rodriguez, so even with the low production budget of $7,000, it’ll look at least like $9,000 movie. There’s an interesting TRUE story behind this (from the press release) — “The movie is based on the research hospital where Robert Rodriguez sold his body to pay for El Mariachi (1993), ‘Red 11’ is the shirt color and number he was assigned.” I need to find that place so I can get the rent paid this month. Let’s see Rodriguez make a movie outta that.

TALES FROM THE LODGE (2019/UK)
“In an isolated lodge somewhere in England, five old university pals, now nudging 40, gather for a weekend to scatter the ashes of their friend, Jonesy, who drowned himself in the lake three years earlier. They settle in for a fun evening, entertaining each other with stories of murders, ghosts, zombies and possessions, but as day turns to night the gang become aware of another horror story unfolding around them. And this one is real.”

Is this a cliched horror movie plot or an episode of Scooby Doo? Just thinkin’ out loud — I’ll probably watch it regardless.

BULLETS OF JUSTICE (2019)
“During the Third World War, the American government initiates a secret project named ‘Army Bacon’ in order to create super soldiers by breeding human beings with pigs. 25 years later a breed called ‘Muzzles’ have occupied the top of the food chain, eating and farming humans like animals. Rob Justice is an ex-bounty hunter working for the last line of human resistance – a group of survivors hiding in a nuclear bunker deep underground. His mission is to find out how Muzzles came to power and destroy them.”

Army bacon? Breeding humans with pigs? Hybrids called Muzzles? Head..about…to…explode — too…many…jokes…

Rock Horror Lottery, Time-Traveling Sharks,Trained Zombies

As first reported by Bloody-Disgusting.com, horror shock rock icon Alice Cooper is now featured on scratch-to-win Lottery™ tickets in his home state of Arizona. (Probably where he gets his stage snakes. I hear you can practically trip over ’em in Arizona.)

The measure of success used to be to get your face on a postal stamp. But being on a Lotto scratch card seems a more appropriate way to honor the rock star who had a hit album called Billion Dollar Babies back in 1973 (way to tie-in, Arizona!), and paved the road for others like Rob Zombie and Marilyn Manson by pioneering the theater use of said (live) pythons, dead babies (song title and plastic prop), an onstage guillotine execution, a hangman’s noose, a ride on an electric chair, and tons of horror imagery and zombie stuff.

The Alice Cooper Lotto tickets went live in Arizona on August 7, 2018 and will continue to be purchasable through Halloween, 2018. From the press release: “There are six top prizes of $50,000 each, with second-chance prizes that range from Alice Cooper memorabilia to VIP tickets and pre-show party access to the legendary rocker’s annual Christmas Pudding concert.” (Note: The album came with a “billion dollar” bill in the packaging. Been trying to spend it every since. Guess I’ll have to buy more than one microwaved hot dog as it appears 7-Eleven™ just doesn’t appear to have enough correct change.)

While we all wait for our turn to have our printed faces scratched off with the edge of a quarter (a penny works, too), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that you may or may not want to scratch off your viewing list…

THE LAST SHARKNADO: IT’S ABOUT TIME (August 19, 2018/SyFy™ Channel)
In the sixth and final installment of the series, Fin will travel back in time in a Sharknado-turned-time-machine to resurrect his family by stopping the first sharknado that started it all. In his quest, Fin will fight dinosaurs, knights, cowboys, and, of course, sharks. This time, it’s not a question of how to stop the sharknados — it’s when!”

Gotta give ‘em props for the movie title, as it perfectly sums up the thankful END of one of the most overplayed (and dumb) horror movie franchises of all time. And this coming from a guy who loves shark movies. Looks like they’re gonna go out with style, what with time-travel, dinosaurs, knights, cowboys (just repeating the press release here) and, of course, sharks that fall from the sky like faulty airplanes. Good for them. Now go away.

LIZZIE (September 14, 2018)
“Chloë Sevigny stars as Lizzie Borden, the notorious woman at the heart of one of the most enduring mysteries in American history. After a lifetime of loneliness, Lizzie finds a kindred spirit in housemaid Bridget Sullivan (Kristen Stewart) and their secret intimacy sparks an unthinkable act. The movie explores the days leading up to the savage crimes in a dark tale of repression, exploitation and thwarted dreams.”

Back in the good ‘ol days of 1892, Lizzie Borden, the spinster daughter of Andrew Jackson Borden and Sarah Anthony Borden (what are the odds they both have the same last name?), was infamously charged with axe-to-the-head-multiple-times on said husband and wife double murder. Lizzie was arrested as a prime suspect, but later deemed innocent by the court and let go, presumably to open an axe store (poor timing, but good prices from what I hear).

This grisly, unsolved murder led to more than a few movie treatments and remakes over the years. But Lizzie — a women’s spin on the subject — brings a whole new perspective, implying that Lizzie had a girlfriend and they both plotted — and executed (sorry) — the de-parenting. For another interesting look at Lizzie Borden, the Jason Voorhees of the late 1800s, check out Lizzie Borden Took An Axe (2014) with Christina Ricci as the chilling and non-emotional portrayal of the world’s first hacker. Personally, I though it was the mailman who performed the crime, based on absolutely no proof whatsoever. I just trust my gut stuff.

REDCON-1 (September 28, 2018/UK)
“After a zombie apocalypse spreads from a London prison, the UK is brought to its knees. The spread of the virus is temporarily contained but, without a cure, it’s only a matter of time before it breaks its boundaries and the biggest problem of all…any zombies with combat skills are now enhanced. With the South East of England quarantined from the rest of the world using fortified borders, intelligence finds that the scientist responsible for the outbreak is alive and well in London. With his recovery being the only hope of a cure, a squad of eight Special Forces soldiers is sent on a suicide mission to the city, now ruled by the undead, with a single task: get him out alive within 72 hours by any means necessary. What emerges is an unlikely pairing on a course to save humanity against ever-rising odds.”

So the dead come back to life with all their previous life skills. I guess when it’s my turn to go to the great couch in the sky, I’ll come back LOADED (heh) with years of accrued beer drinking abilities. The world as you know it won’t stand a chance. Sucks to be everybody but me.

SLAUGHTERHOUSE RULEZ (October 31, 2018/UK | 2018/2019 US)
Slaughterhouse is an elite boarding school where boys and girls are groomed for power and greatness and they’re about to meet their match. Don Wallace, is a wide-eyed new boy from a modest background forced to navigate a baffling new world of arcane rules and rituals, presided by sadistic sixth formers. Matters of status are aggressively enforced and conversation with school goddess Clemsie, are strictly forbidden. But this ancient and ordered world is about to be shaken to its foundations — literally — when a controversial frack site on prize school woodland causes seismic tremors, a mysterious sinkhole and an unspeakable horror is unleashed. Soon a new pecking order will be established as pupils, teachers and the school matron become locked in a bloody battle for survival.”

Holy frack — an unspeakable horror comes out of a resulting sinkhole? I bet the quakes busted the boarding school’s sewer line. P.S. Resist the urge to compare this one with this same-named 2004 short, The Slaughter House Rules. That one was only 13 minutes long and from what I hear, did not feature a busted sewer line spewing liquefied leavings all over everyone’s faces and/or clean shirts. That’d be really icky if they did.

Aqua Army, Vampire Prisoners, The Listening Dead

Finally getting the first of what will likely be a million different key art posters for the upcoming Aquaman movie (December 21, 2018). They’re off to a good start — tons of sharks, whales and other toothy sea creatures that make up Aquaman’s liquidized soldiers of fortune.

I probably already posted this, but here is the plot again in case you need it to round out your bucket list: “Arthur Curry (Aquaman), the heir to the underwater kingdom of Atlantis, must step forward to lead his people and to be a hero to the world, just as his brother Orm seeks to unite the seven kingdoms against the surface world.”

Count me in as an aqua-ally. In fact, I’m already wearing my moisture-proof swim suit as we speak and am ready to kick some clam.

Here’s a crazy thought, however — where did Aquaman get his tattoos? It’s not like there are underwater tattoo shops within swimming distance. And with him being in the water all the time, wouldn’t the tattoos wash off every high tide? Mine come off every time I take a shower. (That’s the last time I spend all my hard-earned cash on rub-on tattoos. Apparently, quality stands for nothing these days.)

While I finish up my new Superman “S” emblem logo on my chest with a felt pen (let’s see Dove Men’s Body Wash™ make a dent in that), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not pollute one or more of the underwater seven kingdoms… 

FANGED UP (July 30, 2018/UK/DVD)
When self-styled absolute lad Jimmy Ragsdale makes a pass at his boss’ wife, the ensuing brawl seals the deal on a night he’ll never forget — locked in the halls of a hellish prison! Jimmy will have more on his plate than just tough Russian cell mate Victor, however. When the wardens unleash their true vampiric colors, the inmates find themselves caught in a bloody battle that is sure to prove just how ‘hard’ Jimmy really is.”

Absolute Lad. Sounds like a wanna be superhero sidekick with a corduroy cape. The boss’ wide must’ve been some looker in order to risk being locked up with a bunch of vampires. Then again, if you don’t buy a ticket, you can’t win he Lottery.

GOOSEBUMPS 2: HAUNTED HALLOWEEN (October 12, 2018)
“Halloween comes to life in a brand-new comedy adventure based on R.L. Stine’s 400 million-selling series of books.”

Watched the trailer — looks like they’re bringing back a lot of the “monsters” from the first film (Goosebumps/2015). I liked the Yeti, but the werewolf was/is my favorite. He/she/it seems just so darn fun. I bet he’d play fetch with you if you threw him a bone — with a human still attached to it.

JUST A BREATH AWAY (aka, DANS LA BRUME/2018)
“A man and wife are desperately trying to save their daughter from a deadly toxic mist that has engulfed Paris after an earthquake. Only those lucky enough to escape to the rooftops of the city were able to survive; their daughter, who suffers from a genetic condition requiring her to live in a hermetic box that filters the air, is trapped below.”

The deadly toxic mist in Paris? This is what happens when everybody finally eats bowel-cleansing leafy greens instead of butter-fortified croissants for once in their unhealthy lives. Still, better than being stuck in a hermetic box with no access to butter-fortified croissants.

THE NIGHTSHIFTER (2018)
“Stênio works the night shift at a morgue in a very large, very violent city. On the job, he sees cadavers in every conceivable state, often the victims of horrific gang warfare. While most would be rather unsettled by it all, Stênio is not. For the dead speak to him. Not in any metaphorical sense but in a very literal way. Stênio was born with an occult gift and while not everyone would be at ease conversing with mutilated cadavers on slabs, he has learned that there are endless secrets that can be gleaned this way. Related to crime. To prosperity. One day he learns a terrible secret about people in his own life. He commits the sin of acting on knowledge obtained from the dead, cursing himself and those dearest to him in the process.”

A mixed bag hanging out with cadavers. On one hand, they’re really good listeners. But the downside is they all smell like urinal cakes. 

UFO Portraits, 14 Phobias, Grizzly Deaths

There are at least two billion books on the subject of UFOs. (Statistically speaking, that means at least one book on UFOs is unfake.) Adding to that steaming pile of pics and reprinted newspaper articles is UFO Presences (by Javier Arcenillas/2018) has the distinction of being sold out in every Target™ store that stocked it. And all this time I thought Hanes™ Men’s Underwear was king of the cash register.

UFO Presences (published by Distributed Art Pub Inc. in hardback format), comes in an economic 115 pages for $22.48 (the MSRP is $35.00) and is more photo than recounting UFO sighting word barf. This is great news for those of use who would rather watch cartoons than read a newspaper. FYI: The book is still available on Amazon.com for $22.81 — but you have to pay postage. Looks like Target™ just gave Amazon the one-finger shipping salute.

While you can find the same photos online for free, one simple cannot have enough books on UFOs, if anything, to impress the ladies. If the subject of unidentified flying objects isn’t up Uranus, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not land you a second date…

DOGGED (July 9, 2018/UK)
“When ten-year-old Megan Lancaster meets a grizzly and untimely end, Sam is forced to return to the remote tidal island where he grew up to attend the funeral. A testing relationship with his disconnected parents, a reunion with his estranged girlfriend Rachel, and a cryptic message from the island’s doctor force Sam to investigate the events leading up to Megan’s tragic death. The truth is far more shocking and unbelievable than Sam wants to acknowledge, and his life begins to spiral out of control in a macabre descent of paranoia. Sam must race against tide and time to expose the seedy underbelly of the island, and to save the lives of those he loves.”

This one’s been available in the UK since the year before this one (I forget what that is), and is now coming out on DVD. No American release scheduled as of yet, though looking over the hot mess that is the movie’s press release, I think I can pass the time watching paint dry for my viewing pleasures.

A TASTE OF PHOBIA (2018)
“A Taste of Phobia features 14 International filmmakers as they peer into the twisted and often self-violent world of phobias.”

This one got me thinking about my own acute phobias. For instance, I have a fear of non-alcoholic beer, flying (actually, I have a fear of not flying), and getting probed by aliens while sober. (Not that I want to be probed in the first place, but I’d need to have a few drinks first, you know, to take the edge off.)

BEING (2018)
Looked everywhere for the official plot, but couldn’t find one, though I did uncover a fun fact: E.T. stands not for “extraterrestrial”, but rather, “extra testicle.” Wheeeeee!

That gleefully said, avoid at all costs of harm to your health of confusing this with 1983’s The Being. That movie’s press release: “A mutated creature is wreaking havoc in a small town in Idaho. A police chief and a government scientist team up to save their rural town from its menace.” Sounds like they have it handled. Bravo, small town Idaho.

THE ONANIA CLUB (2018/2019)
Set in Hollywood, Tom Six’s The Onania Club promises to be “one of the most vile, inhumane movie experiences of all time.”

The same could be said about my proctology exam results, except being set in the movie capital of the world. There’s nothing in that back lot Hollywood needs to see.

Soulless Hamburgers, Evil Churches, Infected Farmers

I usually don’t get gooned out by stuff I’ve seen in movies. But in real life, stand back — barf-o-rama. In this case, the spew-inducing instigator is the new black Halloween hamburgers from McDonald’s™ and Burger King™ in Japan. The Mickey D’s hockey pucks have squid ink dyed hamburger buns. Whereas the Burger King buns sport not only a charcoal-esque pallor but black cheese as well. I just felt my throat contract.

Japan’s squid ink burger will set you back 370 yen, which translates to $3.40 U.S. bit coins/paper route money. This does not include tar milkshakes or burnt shoestring fries.

The Burger King™ Black Ninja Burger actually has two spin-offs (or “sequels”): the Kuro Diamond and Kuro Pearl, which feature not just black buns, but slices of cheese and a tangy sauce that look dark enough to come from an H.P. Lovecraft novel.

Both hell-spawn sandwiches are available now if you live in Japan. For those of us not adventurous enough to stick one of those things in our collective black holes, will just have to settle for these just released and upcoming (and hopefully digestible) horror and sci-fi movies…

SCALER, DARK SPIRIT (available now/VOD)
“A paranormal researcher is given video footage that reveals clues to an ancient evil residing in catacombs beneath the old city church.”

Reminiscent of John Carpenter’s Prince of Darkness (1987), wherein a college theoretic physics team and professor with one squint-y eye investigates a sentient, swirly green liquid in a large glass mayonnaise jar in the basement of an old Catholic church. It turns out to be wet Satan, but those with a degree at first deduce it to be a septic tank for the church’s unholy leavings. Close.

TRAUMA (2017)
“Four friends visit a rural locality of Chile, are brutally attacked by a man and his son. After not finding help in the town, they decide to confront these men with the help of a pair of policemen. But in this way, they will discover that their attackers have in their blood the direct legacy of the darkest period of Chilean history and will have to face the most brutal enemy.”

Try not to confuse this Trauma with about, oh, a dozen other movies with the same title, dating back to the ancient days of 1993. So you can watch this and have a bowl of Chile. Or not watch it and have a bowl of chili. Without beans.

3 HOURS TILL DEAD (available now/VOD)
“An AWOL soldier with PTSD goes into hiding along with his brother and a few friends. They retreat into a rural farm area unaware that the outside world has ceased to function. On their way back to civilization, his brother is attacked by an infected farmer. He quickly morphs into a rabid animal and lives for exactly three hours. Realizing they are in grave danger, they head back to the forest trying to outlive the legions of the infected.”

This may have come out in the year 2016 on some sort of physical media, but these are things I know not of which I speak. That spoken, the be attacked by an infected, rabid farmer is not new. With all the chicken/cow/pig/horse dropping farmers get on their hands and then rub their eyes (probably due to hay fever), it’s a wonder we’re all not infected from the farm food those guys handle without using convenient moist towelettes and anti-bacterial soap from a push button dispenser. Still, a zombie farmer — that’s kinda neat.

DEAD BODY (2018)
“Several friends decide to celebrate their high school graduation at a lake house in the woods. One of the classmates recommends that they play the old-fashioned game of Dead Body. In the game, one player is ‘the body,’ one player is ‘the killer’ and all of the other players try to figure out whodunit. Unfortunately, on this particular night, the game ends up featuring a real-life killer. The bodies begin piling up and, in an ‘Agatha Christie And Then There Were None’ style mystery, the survivors are forced to figure out who the killer is amongst them — before there is no one left standing.”

This one’s been banging around the film festival circuit since 2015. Still, sounds like the classic board game Clue (called Cluedo in the UK), which first came out in 1949. I don’t think that one had a real-life killer in it, though. Those guys cheat all the time.

Werewolves, Vampires, Electric Sheep

Insanely cool ad art to promote the upcoming 2017 Halloween Horrorthon on Saturday, October 21 at the Cinema Arts Centre in Huntington, NY. Presented by the groovy folk at Retro Picture Show, the all night horror movie marathon is scheduled to include 35mm screenings of Halloween 3: Season of the Witch (1982), House of 1000 Corpses (2003), Scream Blacula Scream (1973), Psycho III (1986), Tourist Trap (1979) and Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell (1974). All that’s missing are Horrorthon-branded pajamas and a mix ‘n match blankie.

If you want the event poster, which designed by artist Marc Schoenbach and inspired by Halloween 3, its available as a 24” x 36” print, as well as a several versions of T-shirts. (What — no ’jammies?) And it won’t slash your wallet — most everything Horrorthon for sale is $20. Buy tickets to the marathon and e-purchase the goodie-goods HERE.

For those of us not within Uber™ spitting distance of Huntington, NY, here are a few just released/upcoming horror and sci-fi flicks that may or may not make you stain your jams…

PREDATORY MOON (available now)
Kyle Reading investigates an alleged bear attack where the survivor is showing unusual symptoms. Unfortunately for him, there is someone who sees an advantage to having a stranger in town who cries ‘werewolf’.”

Bears get all the credit every time someone sees something big and hairy in the woods. (Which is why I don’t venture into the underbrush to enjoy a private moment every now and again.) Even Bigfoot himself has been described as fake news and that he’s nothing more than a bear standing on two legs, all the while swinging his knuckle-dragging arms around as if on So You Think You Can Dance. Maybe its a were-bear. Common mistake.

MONSTERS AMONG MEN (available now)
“An egocentric businessman awakens deep in the woods to find he has been abducted by a subversive group of vampires disguised and living among us. He must not only escape their clutches, but save his beloved girlfriend before time, the truth, and his kidnappers catch up with him.”

Geez, vampires desperate enough to kidnap egocentric businessmen? They must be really hungry to dine on corporate b-holes. Maybe we should open a blood bank and give all the vampires ATM cards. It’s the Christian thing to do.

THE VIRUS (available now)
“A group of film students find a top secret test facility hidden in the wilderness. Unknown to them, the hospital was ground zero for a large-scale test of a truth serum based ten years earlier; a test that went disastrously wrong. Now infected with the deadly virus, the students fight against time, guards, each other and an inability to lie to find the truth.”

Cracks me up that scientists have been trying to develop a truth serum when alcohol has been doing a fine job of making people unbury their secrets since the dawn of time. In fact, I plan on having a six-pack of truth serum tonight.

PHILLIP K. DICK’S ELECTRIC DREAMS (2017/2018/Amazon Prime™)
“From the mind of the prolific sci-fi author, comes the new anthology series Philip K. Dick’s Electric Dreams. With 10 standalone episodes and a sweeping all-star cast, each epic story will explore fantasy, humanity, and a future we’ve only begun to imagine.”

Looking forward to this having been a fan of Phil back when I used to read. My first introduction was a high school book report on Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? (1968). I thought I was gonna be reading about a sci-fi barnyard robot goat. Instead I got global thermonuclear war. Dang it. Cooler, though, are the sci-fi movies based on Dicky’s work: Blade Runner (1982), Total Recall (1990/2012), Minority Report (2002), A Scanner Darkly (2006), and The Adjustment Bureau (2011). P.S. This TV series, though, has already started airing in the UK. It’s on Channel 4 in case you live in the vicinity of a British television.