Killer Cameo, Boring Haunted House, Scuba Slasher

Indie horror cult fav Circus of the Dead came out in 2014. You blinked and missed it. Then it came out in 2020 via VOD, where it lives to this day. You can quit blinking now. It was/is about a sadistic group of clowns who kidnap an unsuspecting man and his daughters, forcing him to play a deadly game in order to save his family. But the story didn’t/doesn’t end there as Circus of the Dead 2 is slated for a 2025 release…and they want you to be in it.

Here are the details: “Writer/director Billy ‘Bloody Bill’ Pon has teamed with streaming platforms Red Coral Universe™ and Launchpad6™ on a competition, in which the grand prize is an appearance in the movie as a featured victim of villainous Papa Corn and his band of killer clowns. Cameo appearances in a murder montage are also being offered, along with 10 internship roles including production assistant, special assistant to director, makeup, wardrobe, special effects and more. Winners must be 18 or older and able to travel to the shoot, which is scheduled to begin in late summer 2024 in the Midland/Odessa, Texas area.”

Key dates for the competition are as follows: 

Entry Period: December 21, 2023 — January 31, 2024 

Round One Voting: February 2, 2024 — February 16, 2024 

Semi-Finals: February 19, 2024 — February 26, 2024 

Finals: February 28, 2024 — March 6, 2024 

Winners Announced: March 15, 2024

So while we all consider the irony that we’re all clowns in this movie called life and yet still want to be in Circus of the Dead 2 by clicking this, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not want you in ’em…

THE HUMAN TRAP / January 12, 2024 (VOD)

“A group of naive teens whose hoped-for weekend outing turns into a deadly camping-trip-from-hell. Before they can sing the first stanza of ‘Kumbaya,’ the foursome are rounded up and taken to a makeshift medical lab where a deranged Christian ‘doctor’ and his evil assistant plan shocking medical experimentations on the captured teens. Infused with pitch-black humor, The Human Trap unleashes waves of shocking violence as the terrified teens fight for their lives.”

If you’re about to sing the first stanza of “Kumbaya,” then expect waves of shocking medical experimentations and/or shocking violence to come a’knockin’.

AGAK LAEN / February 1, 2024 (Indonesia)

“Four friends who manage a night market haunted house that is dying because it is no longer scary and boring. Gradually, a visitor came to their haunted house and died on the spot because he had a history of heart disease. They bury the body secretly and let its spirit wander. The haunted house is becoming scarier, but increasingly visited by visitors. They also have to avoid being chased by police investigations in order to make their haunted house ride a success.”

Actually, ending up wandering around haunted house in the afterlife has a sort of tangible appeal. P.S. The title translates to A Little Lot, which has no appeal whatsoever.

IN FROM OUTSIDE / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Three couples find themselves at a ’50s-themed roadside diner, when one by one, each of the patrons begin to disappear under mysterious circumstances.”

They’re all in the bathroom combing their hair into ’50s Flatops with Fenders, the Jelly Roll, or my go-to, Chicago Boxcar with a Boston Back. You can get ahead with a style like that.

AMSTERDAMNED II / RELEASE PENDING 2025 (VOD)

“A scuba-diving madman claims victims on and around the canals of the Dutch capital.

Amsterdamned came out in 1988. That’s almost 40 years ago. Apparently, some people just can’t let go of the past. P.S. Scuba divers in Netherlands canals are called plumbers. 

Undead Superheroes, Birthing Evil, Afterlife v.2

More from the astonishing world of AI-generated art, these being superheroes re-imagined as zombies in all their rotting righteous glory. And think of it: Superman could eat Kryptonite brains and it wouldn’t cause abdominal distress. Batman could finally be besties with Dracula since they’re both undead. Spider-Man, like his insect-y counterparts, could Saran™ wrap you in his web and feast on you later while watching TV. And Hulk could smash you and use your pulp to make a tasty omelet. (He could actually do that without being a zombie.) The possibilities are endless.

While AI superhero zombies is relatively new, they’ve actually been around since 2005 in comic book form when Marvel Comics™ published Marvel Zombies™, a limited series that ran until 2006. A marvel-ous description: “The story is set in an alternate universe where the world’s superhero population has been infected with a virus, which turned them into zombies.”

And to connect a dot or two, those stories were written by Robert Kirkman, the guy behind The Walking Dead and Fear of the Walking Dead. The cover art of the comics was done by Arthur Suydam, whose artistry includes Deadpool, Black Panther, and KISS Zombies. 

So while we all ponder the tingly ramifications of letting zombie Wonder Woman eat our faces off (closest thing we’ll ever get to tongue smooching her), here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not cause abdominal distress… 

WHEN EVIL LURKS / October 6, 2023 (Limited) October 27, 2023 (Shudder™)

“In a remote village, two brothers find a demon-infected man just about to give birth to evil itself. They decide to get rid of the man but merely succeed in helping him to deliver the inferno.”

A demon-infected man giving birth to evil. Sounds like somebody just had a Moe’s Southwest Grill Homewrecker Burrito.

DARK FACES (GUEULES NOIRES) / NOVEMBER 29, 2023 (Theaters/France) Release pending 2023/2024 US (VOD)

“1956, north of France. A band of underground miners is forced to lead a professor to take samples a thousand meters underground. After a landslide prevents them from going back up, they discover a crypt from another time, and unknowingly wake up something that should have remained asleep.”

One thousand meters down translates to 3,280.84 feet. That’s three times bigger than The Empire State Building. To dig a hole that deep must’ve taken a lot of shovels. An easier method would’ve been to dump the coffin in the Mariana Trench, which is 10,935 meters (35,876 feet) deep. That’s where I throw all my empties.

PANDEMONIUM / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

Nathan wakes up on the cold tarmac of an isolated mountain road, unable to remember how he got there. He’s not alone though. There is another man, Daniel, a cyclist, who is full of wild stories — stories about death, stories about horrific accidents — all of which are unsettling, but only the start of Nathan’s troubles. It soon becomes clear that he has no other choice but to continue his journey by stepping through the mysterious door that suddenly appears in front of them, as if out of nowhere. Some of the souls he finds littered along the way are too far gone, their stories too monstrous to suggest there’s any going back for them. The question is, is Nathan one of them, or has it all been a big mistake like he seems to think?”

To clean that up, this one is a French horror film about two men pondering their fates after a lethal traffic accident leaves them both dead. So, did they get flattened by baguette-delivery guy on a excès de vitesse vélo? 

REVIVAL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Two robbers on the run end up in the clutches of a doctor who experiments on people to navigate the afterlife. What seems to be an innocuous foray into a scientific and existential revolution for humanity soon takes a turn for the worse.”

For those unclear, the afterlife is the rolling credits after your sitcom of an existence is over.

Poltergeist Police, Apparition Anthology, Specter Slasher

If you’ve ever watched ghost-hunting “reality” shows and thought, “Well heck — I could do that and make an idiot out off myself way better than those guys,” now you can with Ghost Stop’s™ Ghost Hunting Gear, a one-stop shop with all the equipment you need to expose real-life hauntings for what they are. (Don’t make me explain this.)

Ghost Stop™ has it all to get on Casper’s case, from EVP recorders and meters, video cameras, thermal cams, and branded backpacks to stuff it all in. And before you think this is all nonsense, the prices aren’t: the EVP Recorder is a scary $89.95, the Phasm Cam is a shocking $179.95, Ghost Stop’s™ Spirit Box Ghost Hunting Kit will spook you out of $252.80, and the Pro Ghost Hunting Kit is a spine-chilling $699.70. You could spend that money on beer and film yourself haunting various bars and/or taverns. Now THERE’S a reality show worth watching…and I would like to audition for it.

While you look to get your ghost gumshoeing on, here are a few out now horror movies that may or may not scare the easily detectable ectoplasm out of you…    

LET IT GHOST / Out now (VOD)

“This anthology film features a triplet of horror stories, starring up-and-coming actors and popular local Youtubers™. A film crew is haunted by paranormal activities; When a taxi driver takes his girlfriend to a party room to get it on, a horny ghost adds spice to the proceedings; When a wandering ghost refuses to leave a soon-to-be-gentrified mall, the tenants concoct a plan to send her off.”

Of these I would like to see how they pull off a threesome with a ghost. For starters, what would they use for lube — VapoRub™?

THE OPEN BODY / Out now (VOD)

“1909. Miguel, a young teacher, is sent to work in a small, gloomy village on the border between Spain and Portugal. There, he will start to feel a special kind of fascination for Dorinda, the wife of Turelo, who is having an extra-marital affair with Mauro. When, one icy morning, Mauro’s body is found hanging from a cherry tree, the teacher begins to suspect that his soul is still wandering around the village in search of revenge. An erudite and highly rational man, the teacher now comes face to face with a world that is no short of archaic in its ways and values. A universe that still believes in the ‘open bodies’, which are especially prone to being possessed by the spirits of the dead and who use them as a way to manifest themselves and establish a relationship with the living.”

Mauro’s soul isn’t wandering around the village in search of revenge — he’s looking to establish a relationship with a living restroom. (Apparently, there are no working toilets in the afterlife. Guess that’s why it’s called Hell.)  

DR. GIFT / Out now (VOD)

“What do you get when you combine an ’80s slasher with a haunting ghost story?”

A reason to waste $4.99 to rent it.

UFO PARANORMAL OVERLORDS / Out now (VOD)

“Why are Aliens so widespread in ancient tradition, mythology, religion and even now in our modern age? The truth can be found within the mind’s connection to other realms. We can access this ‘dark’ side of the mind and Alien connection via methods used by the ancients to access our own internal world, which is our gateway to other realms. With the use of medicinals, meditation or prayer we can access this other dimension but the pathway is multi-leveled and complex. It is the hypnagogic — the point between waking and sleeping. Within this realm we can see and experience what Carl Jung termed ‘archetypes’ which have been encountered since time immemorial, are in reality our connection to the Multiverse. Since ancient times, we have encountered what we now call ‘Aliens’ in many forms that have more than influenced our history, they may have created it.”

Accessing the mind’s dark side and Alien connections using medicinals and meditation? Who made this documentary — hippies?

Godzilla Party, The Relocated Dead, Evil Grandma

Calling all Gojira fans: The 6th Annual Godzilla Festival returns to Japan on November 3, 2022, celebrating the 68th anniversary of the Godzilla series. Those without bus service to Japan can breathe a non-radioactive sigh of relief — you’ll be able to “attend” G-Fest via a free-to-access online live stream. They haven’t posted the link yet, but go HERE for the eventual hook-up. As for the physical location of the festival, you can look it up on…Godzillow™ (Heh).

The press release for the event gives us the deets: “This year, Godzilla Fest will primarily celebrate the 50th anniversary of director Jun Fukuda’s Godzilla vs. Gigan, unveiling a brand new suit from modeler Shinichi Wakasa recreating the Showa-era Gigan design. Additionally, this event will also exhibit the replica Godzilla (1954) suit design as well as a Godzilla suit from 2004’s Godzilla: Final Wars.”

“Kazuhiro Nakagawa is currently directing a third tokusatsu short film featuring the newly constructed Gigan suit. Furthermore, the long-awaited sequel to Gemstone’s G vs. G short fan film will be released at Godzilla Fest 2022. A trailer for this new short, Godzilla vs. Gigan Rex, has been released on YouTube™.” (Watch it HERE)

While we’re waiting to be livestreamed on, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not feature a guy in a rubber suit…

SHOT IN THE DARK / October 4, 2022 (VOD)

“Two years ago, William Langston made a mistake that would affect the course of his life. Now, with a killer loose and his circle of friends falling away one at a time, William faces his greatest fears as well as his own mortality.”

My greatest fear is sobriety.

POSSESSION / October 7, 2022 (VOD)

“A priest has been tasked with deciding the location of a new church for the local mining company, which reveals itself to be on top of an old Sami burial ground. After removing the remains, the dead come alive and haunt the settlers.”

Some background on the relocated Sami (last name not Hagar): “In the 17th century, the Sami believed each body contained two types of spirits: the ‘free soul’ moves on to the afterlife, while the ‘body soul’ stays behind.” Lemme get this straight — one half of their soul goes on to party while the other soul gets left behind on a Friday night? Harsh.

THE ACCURSED / October 14, 2022 (VOD)

“A young woman is forced to return home following the death of her mother. Consumed by guilt and desperate to escape the haunting visions playing out in her head, she takes a temporary caregiver position for a comatose old lady living alone in the woods. It does not take long before she realizes not all is as it seems and that the old lady harbors a demonic secret her daughter is intent on passing on.”

The “demonic secret” is why old ladies smell like they do, which is a cross between a hallway closet and a damp fruit cellar. 

CHURCH OF DARKNESS / November 8, 2022 (VOD/DVD)

“David, a devout Christian teen boy, moves to a new town and discovers a sinister underground society flourishing under the protection of the mayor. When he learns of their evil plans and sacrificing rituals, he knows he must try and save the citizens of the town. Alone and afraid his own faith is tested when he discovers it may be too late.”

Sinister underground society? Evil plans? Sacrifice rituals? Where is this party town and how do I join their Horror Chamber of Commerce? 

Real X-Files, Angels & Zombies, Future Grrrls

Sad to report the April 13, 2018 passing of Art Bell, 72, one of the paranormal’s iconic advocates. Host of the globally-popular Coast To Coast AM late night radio show for twenty years, Art’s show was a seriously presented forum for all things paranormal, demonic, ghostly, cryptid, crop circle-y and all around monsterific. And while Art’s charismatic deep voice and dry delivery wasn’t enough, his callers’ supernatural stories and UFO sightings were the stuff custom made for ratings.

So popular was his radio show, he was syndicated in 500 markets in the U.S. and Canada. (Canada, by the way, is where all things paranormal were born, no doubt fueled by Moosehead beer.) Radio DJ Alan Stock described Art’s show as being “like a Disneyland for sci-fi.” Coast To Coast AM still broadcasts with the super cool George Noory at the mic. (He also regularly appears on the History Channel’s Ancient Aliens.)

So here’s to you, Art Bell — thank you for being the legendary voice for the real X-Files. And while you can hear archived shows on YouTube™, here are a few just released and upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that might’ve been right at home on Coast To Coast AM…. 

AVZ: ANGELS VS. ZOMBIES (available now)
“At the end of days seven archangels arrive to deliver us from evil. Get ready for the resurrection, the dead will rise.”

Never understood the term “archangel.” Does that mean they have osteoporosis? So angels doing battle with zombies. Seems like everybody wants to take a swing at the undead these days. Heck, God’s delivery sycophants have battled everything from Bigfoot to aliens to even other angels. (Angels are like the Amazon Prime™ of religion.) be double awesome if someone would come up with AVS: Angels vs. Sharktopus.

ALONG WITH THE GODS: THE TWO WORLDS (available now)
“Ja-hong, a firefighter, is taken to the afterlife by three guardians, where only after passing seven trials and proving he lived a noble life will he be able to reincarnate.”

Guess if firefighter Ja-hong is in the afterlife, he must not have been that good at his day job. And who wants to reincarnate? Being back on this toilet Earth is the last place I’d wanna return policy. Except my favorite bar, which I coincidentally call “the afterlife.”

HOUSE ON ELM LAKE (available now)
“A couple and their young daughter move into a lake house that remained unsold due to the brutal, ritualistic murder of a family years ago. Soon, they realize that a dormant evil has awakened, a possessive force that has preyed on unsuspecting families like theirs for centuries.”

A house on Elm Lake? Is this Freddy Krueger’s Airbnb™? If I was dormant evil and lived on a lake, I’d wake up, goon out a few ducks and make splishy splash happen. And I’d do it in a Speedo™, you know, just to up the horror factor.

FUTURE WORLD (May 25, 2018)
“Inside a desert oasis, a queen lays dying as her son Prince travels across barren waste lands to find a near-mythical medicine to save her life. After evading violent raiders on motorbikes led by the Warlord and his enforcer, Prince meets Ash, the Warlord’s robot sex companion-assassin who’s in search of her own soul. As Prince is captured by the Druglord, the Warlord’s forces roar in — and Prince fights to save the remnants of humanity.”

The trailer makes this look like a Road Warrior (1981) knock-off, but with lots more riot grrrls. Maybe they should call it Mad Maxine. The drool-worthy Milla Jovovich stars and still looks a sexy fresh as she did in the Resident Evil (2002) six-movie franchise, where she got more attractive with each consecutive sequel. I bet she eats a lot of preservatives. Heh.

Haunted House On A Haunted Hill

Sarah, the sister of a magazine editor chick, was the only living survivor from the blood jamboree at the Vanacutt Mansion in House on Haunted Hill (1999), which was a remake of the far superior 1959 version. Sarah kept a diary, detailing her experiences with undead demonic forces. (Wonder what she said about me in it?) Then she dies. At first it’s thought she committed suicide, but as it turns out, nope.

An art collector seeks the ridiculously evil Baphomet statue inside the abandoned mansion/insane asylum where unnecessary medical procedures were performed on patients without their written consent.

So a gang of thugs shoots the sister in the hair and steals her journal, which holds clues as to the statue’s whereabouts. Meanwhile, an archaeological college professor and the dead girl’s sister and boyfriend go to the mansion to recover the same exact statue. How’s that for a coincidence?

But the criminals have guns, so they have the upper hand and… Not so fast – the ghosts have sealed up the mansion and wanna play “1-2-3 Your Limbs Belong To Me” with their uninvited guests. Mind you, this is a totally dumbass stretch to get people back into the mansion. But I’m usually open-minded when it comes to vengeful ghosts tearing off body parts. Think in terms of Gumby being made of meatloaf with LOTS of ketchup, or “catsup”.

The ghost of Dr. Vanacutt keeps showing up, as do his angry patients. The idea, though, is to avoid them while hunting for Baphomet. It’s discovered that if the statue is taken outside of the building, flowers will thus grow, the sun will shine and puppies will no longer get run over by 18-wheel trucks.

Bonus: ALL the chicks in this movie are spookily gorgeous. But because of the less-than-substantial plot and ghosts that weren’t as freaky/mean as in the first movie, Return to House on Haunted Hill (2007) only reaches a simmer in an evil saucepan on afterlife’s stove. OK, I don’t know what that means, but felt it was a cool metaphor nonetheless.