Archive for Egypt

Extreme Aliens, Extreme Demons, Extreme Tacos

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 18, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Quiet Hour

Uncovered a whole steaming pile of obscure, indie Bigfoot movies, the goal being to watch every single one of ‘em. Hope they don’t make BF out to be a killer of campers, roasting their flesh on a stick over a roaring outdoor fire. Oh wait…

While you’re waiting for me to profile ‘em, here’s some upcoming horror to help pass the time…

THE QUIET HOUR (March 21, 2017)
“Sarah must protect her blind brother and farm. Meanwhile, aliens are harvesting the planet for resources. When a mysterious soldier comes to her door, she must decide if she can let him in or not. Is he another bandit? With few survivors to turn to, Sarah must make a difficult choice to ensure her family’s survival.”

So exactly what are Earth’s resources aliens are always coming here to harvest? I’m guessing our bit coins, tacos and Internet porn. Extraterrestrials could easily do that without infringing on our taco/porn civil rights.

Raised By Wolves

RAISED BY WOLVES (March 28, 2017)
“When a group of extreme skaters go searching for an empty pool rumored to be behind an abandoned house in the barren desert, they learn they should not have ignored the rumors that the house is haunted by a demonic presence and a dark history of occultism. What follows is a terrifying tale of evil possession causing the friends to slowly turn against each other.”

So extreme skaters go up against extreme evil. Sounds incredibly dumb. This, coming from a guy who watches stuff like Shark Exorcist (2015).

Blood Feast

BLOOD FEAST (April 28, 2017 / Limited)
Fuad Ramses and his family have moved from the United States to France, where they run an American diner. Since business is not going too well, Fuad also works night shifts in a museum of ancient Egyptian culture. During these long, lonely nights he is repeatedly drawn to a statue representing the seductive ancient goddess, Ishtar. He becomes more and more allured by the goddess as she speaks to him in visions. Eventually he succumbs to her deadly charms.

After this pivotal night, Fuad begins a new life, in which murder and cannibalism become his daily bread. He starts to prepare a ritual FEAST to honor his new mistress, a lavish affair dripping with BLOOD, organs, and intestines of human victims. As butchered bodies are heaped upon the Altar of Ishtar, Fuad slowly slips further into madness, until he is no more than the goddess’s puppet; and she thirsts for the blood of Fuad’s wife and daughter, too.”

Early reviews are calling this remake “Nothing so appalling in the annals of horror since the original…” Sounds like last call at The Poggie Tavern. Gory beyond the standards of the time, Blood Feast (1963) was the first splatter movie and broke hard ground in explicit gore and goosh, raising the bar on pretty much all the graphic horror that’s since followed. That’s probably significant in some form or fashion.

Death Ward 13

DEATH WARD 13 (2018)
“It’s 1973 and the Stephens Sanitarium for the Criminally Insane prepares to shut down permanently. Days before closing, four beautiful nursing students arrive to care for the last handful of ‘harmless’ mental patients in a suspiciously understaffed ward.”

“Confronted by their violent charges, the nurses soon realize that they are trapped inside the asylum with a deadly crew of vicious lunatics. Each patient has their own perverse identity, their own personal demons and their own violent agenda. Pushed to the brink of insanity, the young nurses find themselves in a gruesome fight for survival inside Ward 13.”

Four Spring Break-grade young nurses vs. vicious lunatics. I’m in. This, coming from a guy who just re-watched The Disco Exorcist (2011).

L.A. Mummies

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 4, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Legion of the Dead

Someone needs a geography lesson. In Legion of the Dead (2005) an ancient Egyptian burial chamber is discovered in the hills just outside of L.A. In it lies the interred mummy of the Queen of Hollywood Egyptians.

Legion of the Dead

While studying the sarcophagus, bumbling students accidentally bring the Queen back to life. She awakens with freshly-polished nails, styled hair and no clothes. She can be forgiven for this as she has no problem with walking around naked.

Legion of the Dead

She needs a virgin’s blood to sacrifice with an Ankh (a sharp piece of wood that looks like Prince’s guitar) so that she can reanimate a legion of the mummified undead. A cop shows up and shoots one of the mummies and it explodes in a flurry of dust, like when a full vacuum cleaner bag busts open.

Legion of the Dead

This cop, it should be noted, is Bruce Boxleitner, who played that guy in Tron (1982). Bruce — what the hell happened? You don’t need this. You were in Tron, man! This gagger needs to be re-buried back in the Egyptian district of Los Angeles.

Mechanics vs. Mexican Preserves

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 15, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy

The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy (aka, La Momia Azteca Contra el Robot Humano/1958). Great title. Not so great movie. Once everyone discovered the gold breastplate on the Aztec mummy was real, then everybody, including the predictably evil Dr. Krupp (aka, “The Bat”) wants some ’o that booty.

The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy

The professors who first violated the tomb got a wake-up call when the mummy woke up. They got away the first time, but came back with pretty much the same results, minus one professor. Turns out the mummy only gets p*ssed and starts walking like an Egyptian if someone tries stealing his stash.

The Robot vs. the Aztec MummyDr. Krupp’s plan is to build a human-faced giant robot (eight-feet tall, not counting the high heels) to grab the gold and pound the mummy into a pile of dusty gauze. That doesn’t quite go according to plan.

The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy

At least there was some action in this otherwise mostly narrated and plodding tale of reincarnation (the professor’s easily hypnotized wife is the spitting image of the mummy’s ex), greed, and power gone awry. The robot was kinda neat, though.

Old Testament Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 20, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Abominable Dr. Phibes

The horribly disfigured Dr. Anton Phibes was three things before that car crash back in 1921. (He was racing to the hospital to be by his wife’s side who died to death on the operating table before Phibes could get there.) 1. He was an expert in theology, the study of God and religious gunk. 2. He was an expert in music, and even built a robo-band in his secret hideaway to accompany his piped organ. 3. He was a master of revenge, setting ingenious traps inspired by the Old Testament’s ten plagues of Egypt on the doctors who failed to keep his gorgeous wife from freshness expiring. It’s clear who Jigsaw’s mentor is.

The Abominable Dr. Phibes

Even though he was presumed dead, Phibes somehow managed to survive and has plotted his plot every since. He can’t talk as he drank a fiery gasoline cocktail that fried his larynx. But he can stick a plug into his neck that runs into an speaker to converse through his damaged yapper. Clearly, Tom Waits has a mentor.

The Abominable Dr. Phibes

Phibes also has a hottie assistant named Vulnavia who is mute, the best kind of assistant to have. They conspire to track down the physicians and exact vengeance in the corresponding ten plagues, which includes – but is not limited to – bats, frogs, locusts and…dripping acid. I’m not up on bible stuff, but if Moses used acid on the Pharaoh, that would totally kick scripture.

The Abominable Dr. Phibes

One by one the doctors are luridly discharged from life, while Phibes celebrates by blow-torching wax head likenesses of his victims. His robo-band – Dr. Phibes’ Clockwork Wizards (cool name; I’d buy their album) – provides a nice big band jazz-y soundtrack. But all of this is forming clues as apparent to Scotland Yard’s Inspector Trout. (Insert your own joke here.)

The Abominable Dr. Phibes

Phibes, though, is saving the best death for Dr. Vesalius, the head physician who preceded over Victoria’s failed surgery. Capturing Vesalius’ son, Phibes straps the boy to a surgical table in the basement of his mega-mansion, with a coiled tube full of skin-melting acid making it’s way towards the boy’s unhappy face. Vesalius is called to the trap and has six minutes to surgically extract a key from the unconscious boy’s torso, which will unlock the locks holding him to the table. (You may recall this similar scene employed in 2004’s Saw.)

The Abominable Dr. Phibes

While Vesalius is operating and sweating like an Old testament pig, Phibes, through his robo-throat, confesses what this is all about. His ultimate goal is to seal himself in a coffin that holds his wife’s preserved body in a shiny pajama robe, and descend under the floor of his mega-mansion while Vulnavia destroys the Clockwork Wizards. (She need not bother; music critics already did that, calling their music “stiff and lifeless.” Ouch.)

The Abominable Dr. Phibes

The Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971) is great black horror comedy, raising the bar on revenge and giving an homage nod to The Phantom of the Opera (1925). Better yet, I hear the unspeaking Vulnavia is single – mute button included.

Ankh If You Love Mummies

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 20, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

 

The Mummy

It’s easy to see why movies about mummies have never really caught on except for that one in 1999 with Brendan Fraser, which had a budget $80 million and went on to make nearly $416 million. The Mummy Returns, a 2001 sequel, made even more genēh maṣri – $433 million to be exact. (The Scorpion King/2002, the second sequel (prequel/spin-off, actually), took a camel dump at the box office: $91 million budget, $165 million worldwide box office. Yeesh – talk about sand in your gallibaya.)

The Mummy

With only a few exceptions, mummy movies aren’t big box office cake. Why? For only thing, crappy name. Mummy is what little British kids who wear jumpers and have crooked teeth call their moms. Secondly, same outfit in every movie (freshness-expired bandages for shirt AND pants), no discernible orator skills, walks like an Egyptian. In horror movie terms he’s a minimummy wage monster. Heh.

Day of the Mummy

With about as much frequency as a mummy – which is basically a zombie wrapped in toilet paper – is resurrected, now comes Day of the Mummy (2014), (Hmmpf – they should’ve started out with Night of the Living Mummy, followed by Dawn of the Mummy.)

Here’s how the try and spin it: “Jack Wells arrives in Egypt in search of a famed diamond, The Codex Stone. His journey leads him to a team of archaeologists who are exploring the recently discovered tomb of the cursed King Neferu. With his centuries-old slumber disturbed by timeless human greed, the King rises from the dead with a bloodlust that cannot be staunched and a raging fury that will shred flesh from bone, bringing terrible, tormented death to all who dare witness the Day of the Mummy.”

Day of the Mummy

Why are all Egyptian kings cursed? What is it about that job that forces you to sleep in dirt for centuries until some get-rich-quick types dig you up and compromise your amenities? I bet the Help Wanted classified ad doesn’t mention anything about that in the job description.

In case you needed another excuse to avoid Day of the Mummy (releasing Oct. 20, 2014 in the UK and December 9 in the States), it was shot POV style; That technique only works effectively in porn.

Evil Reunion

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 29, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Exorcist: The Beginning

Exorcist: The Beginning (2004) is the backstory about Father Merrin, the priest who drove the Hell out of Linda Blair in The Exorcist (1973).

Exorcist: The Beginning

Turns out Merrin is an old buddy of the demon Pazuzu, whom he first encountered in East Africa and then again in Holland during WWII. Even Pazuzu’s stink breath was no match for the war atrocities Merrin witnessed. So the priest/archaeologist heads to Egypt where he thinks he’ll knock back a few cold ones, pet a camel or two, hang out and leave a pyramid in every bathroom.

Exorcist: The Beginning

But the call comes in to return to Africa, this time to scope out an ancient church that was just discovered buried under dirt. (People in that part of the world know nothing about vacuum cleaners. Heathens, I tell you.)

Exorcist: The Beginning

Merrin arrives in Kenya and upon entering the Centuries-old church, notices the place is in pretty good shape despite being buried under elephant crap that long. What the hoohaw, thinks Merrin; this can’t be a church as it was built several millennia before Christianity plagued the world.

Exorcist: The Beginning

But I didn’t come here for a history lesson. I’m here to see evil stuff, which includes babies being born with maggots on ’em, a little boy being torn apart and eaten alive by wild hyenas, another little boy’s head turning all the way around without that snap, crackle and pop sound…

Exorcist: The Beginning

All this leads up to Merrin having a reunion with his ’ol BFF Pazuzu, who looks like a white-faced, stupid Goth wussy. While the demon stuff is icky, it serves no purpose other than to gross you out. I’m OK with gross out, though there’s no impending sense of religious dread causing an immediate need to wash your naughty parts in holy water.

Exorcist: The Beginning

If Pazuzu wants to get back to being truly evil, he needs to quit listening to weenie-ass Goth and start banging his horned head to some righteous heavy metal. And to quit making prequels/pointless sequels.