Macabre Music, Voodoo Teenagers, Evil Boat Safety

Wednesday, the monster murder mystery spin-off of The Addams Family, became a global phenomenon with its premier on November 22, 2023, and is Netflix’s™ most popular comedy series to date. That’s an understatement. According to my exhaustive research (cut ’n pasting from Wikipedia™), Wednesday holds the record of most hours viewed in a week for an English-language Netflix™ series with a total 341.2 million hours watched in its first week of release, amounting to more than 50 million households, and passing prior record holder Stranger Things 4’s 335.01 million hours. Nielsen Media Research™ reported a combined watch time of 6 billion minutes within its first week of release, making it the second-biggest streaming week ever recorded by the firm.” 

Foaming at the mouth fans cite the series’ music as an ongoing highlight. And now you can get the soundtrack as limited edition colored vinyl to quench your Wednesday obsession. From the press release: “Wednesday’s first season soundtrack is available on vinyl for $35 via Lakeshore Records. Expected to ship in July/August 2023, the score is composed by Danny Elfman (Batman, Men in Black) and Chris Bacon (Bates Motel, Source Code). The album is pressed on 2xLP vinyl with three color variants: “Enid’s Pink Sweater” (Mondo™ exclusive, limited to 500), “Wednesday & Enid’s Room” (Walmart™ exclusive), and “Purple Goth with Smokey Shadow” (retail version). It’s housed in a gatefold jacket.”

It should be noted that the soundtrack does not contain the series’ other music, such as the nimble-fingered cello interpretation of the Rolling Stones’ “Paint It Black”, the acoustic instrumental (or would that be “instrumetal”?) rendition of Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters”, and The Cramps’ Goth punk pop, “Goo Goo Muck’, which sparked Wednesday’s dance craze and topped the charts over 40 years after its release in 1980. (P.S. “Goo Goo Muck” was written by Ronnie Cook and the Gaylads all the way back in 1962, the year non-dyed Goth punk pop was born.)

While we frantically preorder the soundtrack (take me there), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not feature a Goth punk pop song…

DEVILREAUX / June 9, 2023 (VOD), July 18, 2023 (DVD)

“A series of murders in 1800s will be avenged by forbidden voodoo, woken up accidentally by a group of teenagers.”

Seems like this plot is backward: “A group of forbidden teenagers is woken up by voodoo.” Then change voodoo to social media.

BEDRIDDEN / June 13, 2023 (DVD)

“On the evening of their anniversary, Ray is attacked and murdered by a masked assailant in a desolate motel room while his wife, Teri, is forced to watch. Teri now faces the reality of rebuilding her life as a single mom without her beloved husband. Desperate to communicate one last time with Ray, she uses a mysterious Ouija board to try to reach out to the other side. Doing so opens up a portal that puts her and her daughter’s lives in danger. When her worst fears seemingly come true, Teri finds herself bedridden and trapped in a cat-and-mouse game of life and death.”

So Teri uses a Ouija board to talk to her dead husband. She should be using Dead Speak Pro™, an app that connects you to the spirit world. It has lots of spooky features and is free on Google Play™.

MOTORBOAT / June 13, 2023 (DVD)

“A rural lakeside community is terrorized by a demonic black boat prowling its waters, killing locals and turning the waters blood red. A fallen Priest and a no nonsense Harbor Patrol Captain have to fight a decades long evil, resurrected by a death cult, the Brotherhood of Darkness, led by the unstoppable Messiah Ward. It’s faith vs. hate in this battle for one town’s soul.”

This makes a mockery of life preservers. Not cool.

THE ONLY ONES / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A seemingly harmless weekend getaway turns into a chaotic nightmare as this group proves that when you’ve got friends, who needs enemies?”

With a plot like that, who needs this movie?

House of Bats, Weaponized Demons, Burlesque Vampires

The Flash has S.T.A.R. Labs. Superman has the Fortress of Solitude. Aquaman has an adult-sized clam shell with a seaweed lawn. But none of them can match the majesty of the caped crusader’s condo, the Batcave. Batman’s famous headquarters is where he has anti-crime computers, TVs, probably a fridge and even a private “bat room” when he needs to pinch some guano. And now you can own a Lego™ replica of the Batcave for a crime-busting $399.99. Called the Batcave™ – Shadow Box, this monolithic set comes with a Batmobile™ and even Alfred the Butler™.

From Lego’s™ website: “Adult enthusiasts can recreate the iconic Batcave™ from 1992’s Batman Returns movie with the LEGO® DC Batman™ Batcave – Shadow Box. This 3,981-piece tableau incorporates movable items, mini figures and a feature-rich Batmobile™ to produce a detailed and dynamic display piece that will captivate all who see it.” 

“Measuring over 20” wide, this Batcave tableau contains an assortment of authentic details, including movable items that can be controlled from the rear. Users can turn the chair, change the computer screen and open and close the tool store and illuminated Batsuit™ vault. For extra realism, a Batmobile with a variety of hands-on features is included along with 7 mini figures: Max Shreck, The Penguin™, Catwoman™, 2 versions of Batman, Alfred Pennyworth™ and Bruce Wayne™. For added convenience, a digital version of the set’s building instructions can be found on the LEGO Builder app.” Note to law-abiding citizens living in Gotham or not, the Batcave™ – Shadow Box officially goes on sale June 8, 2023. However, if you sign up to be a Lego™ VIP member, you can get early sale access on June 5, 2023. 

So while we all rush over to Lego.com and sign up (click this), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not feature a plastic butler…

GHOST / July 9, 2023 (POV Horror™, Wicked Horror TV™)

“A deadly religious cult begins weaponizing demonic entities — and it’s up to a band of church-funded mercenaries to take them down before they unleash Hell on Earth. When word of a Fallen Angel reaches the team, the stakes are raised and the fate of humanity rests on the shoulders of one man: Ghost.”

Deadly religious cults don’t practice safe sect.

BLOODY BRIDGET / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A Haitian voodoo deity transforms a burlesque dancer into a “Valentine vampire.” Blood only whets her appetite – she must eat her victims’ beating hearts!”

The problem with burlesque vampires is you still have to tip ’em.

THE DEVIL COMES AT NIGHT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

Ben, a washed-up boxer searching for his inheritance, must fight for his life when he is trapped in his deceased father’s farmhouse by a cannibal cult. With the help of Amy, the local librarian, he discovers the cult’s leader, Mason, has been hunting down his family for generations. And now his sights are set on Ben. Together, Ben and Amy come up with a plan to defeat the cult once and for all.

Cannibals form cults because they’re fed up with people. Heh.

THE BOOGEYMAN: THE ORIGIN OF THE MYTH / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A group of teenagers discover that the terrifying legend of The Boogeyman is real after the mysterious disappearances of several children in a small town.”

This one’s also known as El Hombre Del Saco. Wish I could have a cool name like Del Saco.

Paranormal Polygon, Tree Monsters, God Gun

According to theologians, the Bermuda Triangle, also known as the Devil’s Triangle, is a region in the western part of the North Atlantic Ocean where more than 50 ships and 20 airplanes are said to have mysteriously disappeared. Reasons range from Stargates to Aliens, giant sea monsters to religion gone wild. But now, according to Australian scientist Karl Kruszelnicki, we can all now stop making waves: The loss and disappearance of ships and planes is a mere fact of probabilities. And we should believe an Australian scientist. After all, they invented kangaroos.

In a myth-crushing article recently published on PopularMechanics.com, Kruszelnicki says, “the sheer volume of traffic — in a tricky area to navigate, no less — shows the number of ships and planes that go missing in the Bermuda Triangle is the same as anywhere in the world on a percentage basis.” He says that both Lloyd’s of London™ — the world’s leading insurance market — and the U.S. Coast Guard support that idea. (Note of interest: Lloyd’s of London™ has had this same theory since the 1970s.)

Fairly unremarkable given how many movies/documentaries were made about the paranormal polygon. Should you be predisposed to swim down this path, here are a few recommendations: Death Ship (1980), Triangle (2009), Bermuda Triangle Revealed: The Devil’s Graveyard (2014), and Drain The Bermuda Triangle (2014). 

While you’re deciding if you give a screaming theory or not about “science” and “facts”, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have kangaroos in ’em…

OUTPOST / May 19, 2023 (Theaters)

“After a violent attack, a woman searches for strength in the solitude of a lookout job the mountains of Northern Idaho, but is overwhelmed by something darker.”

Having a job as a lookout would be awesome. For one thing, you could prove beyond a shadow of a doubt if bears crap in the woods. Until now, it’s only been a topic of speculation.

POLLEN / June 6, 2023 (VOD)

“After a senior coworker assaults a bright-eyed young woman, her dream job becomes a living nightmare as she tries to keep her career together while being tormented at work, at home, and in her dreams by a mysterious tree monster.”

Tree monsters are the worst. Why can’t they more like the tree creatures (aka, Ents) in Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)? It’d be fun to hang out with one of those guys. And if a Frisbee™ got stuck in its branches, he’d get it down for you. That is beyond cool. 

GOD IS A BULLET / June 23, 2023 (Theaters)

“Detective Bob Hightower finds his ex-wife murdered and his daughter kidnapped by an insidious cult. Bob takes matters into his own hands and infiltrates the secretive cult to try to save his daughter. With the help of the cult’s only female victim escapee, Case Hardin, Bob and Case go down the rabbit hole with The Ferryman to save his daughter and find closure for Case from the cult – and its maniacal leader — that took so much away from her.”

If God is the bullet, then is religion the gun?

DON’T GET IN THE CAR / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“In the dead of night in Los Angeles, a woman is forced to complete errands in a 1960s Lincoln Continental if she wants to survive the night and save the ones she loves.”

Remember when you were a kid and your mom always said to not get into a car driven by strangers? I have two words for that: Uber™ and Lyft™.

May The Speed Force Be With You, People Plants, Cutting Out Social Media

The buzz is buzzing about The Flash upcoming movie (June 23, 2023), with the trailers revealing two Flashes, two Batmans, Supergirl, and General Zod, though he died in Man of Steel (2013). Hey, movies can do whatever they want with our minds. And with that comes more character posters, these three new ones being Flash, Supergirl and Batman. (My character poster was cut as I’m not in the film, apparently.)

So here’s the official plot, though it wasn’t that difficult to piece it together after watching the trailers: “Barry Allen uses his super speed to change the past, but his attempt to save his family creates a world without super heroes, forcing him to race for his life in order to save the future.” 

So while we debate whether or not having me in The Flash has any added marquee value, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/film shorts that may or may not give you the…runs. P.S. The Flash stole Metallica’s logo. Just sayin’.

YOUR HOUSEPLANTS ARE SCREAMING / Out now (VOD)

“Human houseplants are held captive by a giant plant creature. Confined to their pots, the houseplants struggle to comprehend the horror of being shelf ornaments in a grotesque hell house made of flesh, meat, muscle and bone.”

Human houseplants. I can only imagine what is being used as fertilizer.

KILLER KITES / May 26, 2023 (VOD)

“When Abby’s grandma dies, the only thing she inherits is a stupid kite. After giving it to her brother, he is mysteriously killed and the kite disappears. While searching for the truth, Abby is tangled in a strange supernatural plot, where this killer kite continues to kill. Now, Abby must string together a way to stop the kite before it blows us all away. Kites may not be the scariest monster ever, but they’re up there.”

I heard this was made on a kite string budget.

#CHADGETSTHEAXE / Fall 2023 (VOD)

“Four social media influencers live stream their trip to Devil’s Manor, former home to a satanic cult.”

The only thing worse than social media horror movies is watching ‘em.

THE MOUNT 2 / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A year after the incident at the Mount, the police are still investigating the murders of Philomena and Caroline. The Mount has been cordoned off by the police. However, on Halloween night, a group of teenagers break in. They plan on holding a wedding between friends, conducted by a rather odd character. Little did they know some unexpected guests would show up to crash the party.

Don’t look at me like that — I heard there’s an open bar.

Hallowed By Thy Knife, Smart Sex, Pig Candy

Horror and sci-fi movie themed board games are all the rage these days, what with TV becoming increasingly annoying and…yeah, I’m saying it…boring. Never thought I’d utter those word in this lifetime, but there you go. So one of the new horror movie-based board games coming out September 15, 2023 (preorder here), is Halloween, built on the global phenomenon 1978 movie by the same name, whatever that is.

From the Trick or Treat Studios™ website: “It was the night HE came home…and one player must take on the role of Michael Myers! The others will control Laurie and her friends as they scramble to find weapons, the kids, and a way to escape. Their task will be made more difficult because Myers can only be seen when you’re looking right at him!” 

Cool! And for a mere $59.95, you can get in on the action. Speaking of, the Halloween character I’d like to play is Bob, the guy who drinks beer and has unprotected ’70s sex with P.J. Soles before being violated by Michael Myers’ stainless steel mascot. If you’re gonna go out, you might as well score before losing the game.

So while we go back and rewatch Halloween and hit pause during that one scene (you better know this one), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be better than a cold beer and a hot knife right after engaging in unprotected sex…

CULT HERO / Out now (VOD)

In a world plagued by narcissistic cult leaders who wield their power and abandon their morals, only one hero can bring justice and restore order – Dale Domazar, otherwise known as the Cult Buster. After failing to bust a death cult before they commit mass suicide, a rough-around-the-edges Domazar finds himself the victim of online vitriol, and soon, his career is canceled. He tries to regain the respect he once had and figure out an angle for a new season of his show, Cult Buster.”

Wonder if Dale would come after me, given that I abandoned my morals decades ago. Heck, I kicked those demons to the curb before I knew what they were. It’s all about taking the low road for this guy.

SAPIOSEXUAL / May 16, 2023 (VOD)

“Three people gather for an ‘uncoupling celebration,’ arranged by the aging narcissist Liam. Both Hannah and Freddie, Liam’s guests as well as victims, have dark ties to his past and plenty of their own secrets. When the power goes out during a thunderstorm the deepest truths are revealed, changing each person’s life forever.”

Never heard the term sapiosexual before so I looked it up on this little thing called the “Internet” (you may have heard of it). Sapiosexuality means that “a person is sexually attracted to highly intelligent people, so much so that they consider it to be the most important trait in a partner.” Guess that counts me out.

MASS HYSTERIA / October 1, 2023 (VOD)

“When a tourist dies on Halloween night in Salem, the crowd seeks justice by mounting a modern day witch hunt.”

This one’s being described as a comedy, though I see nothing funny about tourists.

PEPPERGRASS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“During the pandemic, a pregnant restaurateur tries to rob a priceless truffle from a reclusive World War II veteran.”

And judging by the movie’s poster art, there’s a really big pig guarding the truffle, which as we all learned in kindergarten, is the fruiting body of a subterranean ascomycete fungus, predominantly one of the many species of the genus Tuber. Now…where’s my juicy juice box?

Re-issued Pagans, God Plagues, Sandworms

If you were old enough in 1973 to watch The Wicker Man (rated M), you were rewarded with (from the movie’s description) “wanton lust and pagan blasphemy”. Man, that goes together like a delicious sandwich. The Wicker Man was clearly the inspiration for today’s Burning Man Festival, wherein hipster hippies take Ecstasy and dance poorly around a giant torched effigy, emulating the climactic, iconic scene in TWM.

Now The Wicker Man is getting an exhaustive makeover on September 4, 2023 with the release of a 5-disc 4K UHD collector’s edition that includes tons of extras, like rigid ‘book’ pop-up packaging, all three cuts of the film restored in 4K, X1 exclusive EP featuring artists from Heavenly Records™ covering songs from the soundtrack, a 64-page booklet and more. I went through the disc’s bonus features — no hippies included. You can breathe a sigh of relief. 

If you’ve never seen The Wicker Man, here’s what you’ve been missing: “When a young girl mysteriously disappears, Police Sergeant Howie travels to a remote Scottish island to investigate. But this pastoral community, led by the strange Lord Summerisle, is not what it seems, as the devoutly religious detective soon uncovers a secret society of wanton lust and pagan blasphemy. Can Howie now stop the cult’s ultimate sacrifice before he himself comes face to face with the horror of The Wicker Man?”

So while we either watch The Wicker Man on Amazon Prime Video™ (you’re gonna have to rent it for a hippie-busting $2.49) or snap it up come September, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as fun as taking Ecstasy and watching giant effigies go up in flames… (P.S. Don’t do drugs — alcohol is cheaper.)

WALKING AGAINST THE RAIN / May 23, 2023 (VOD)

“Six months after a biblical plague has fallen upon the world, two strangers, Tommy and Blair are navigating their way across a barren landscape in a desperate attempt to find each other. With their only form of communication being two soon-to-die battery operated radio mics and with a new evil in the shape of ‘The Forsaken’ tracking them down, they must learn to confront loss and rediscover a trust in humanity. Or die.”

I did some research on biblical plagues by reading excerpts from the best-selling fiction book, The Bible (now in its one billionth printing). There are 10 in all: Three days of darkness (giving sand vampires a distinct advantage), frog infestation (i.e, hip hop rave), lice (no one had good hygiene back then, let alone lindane shampoo), pestilence, boils, weather gone wild, locusts, first-born son deathings… Seems to me all this would be a good idea for a movie. 

CRACKED / May 26, 203 (VOD)

“Ruja returns to Thailand from New York with her young daughter Rachel to settle her late father’s estate. Included in her inheritance are two mysterious portraits of a bewitching woman that she is told are worth a fortune, if only they weren’t damaged. Desperate to sell the paintings, Ruja hires Tim, an art restorer, to prepare the canvases for sale. But the cracks in the paint have begun to reveal long-hidden secrets, and as strange phenomena begin to emerge around them, Ruja and Rachel quickly realize their lives are in grave danger.”

The only thing I’ll probably get from my parents’ estate is unpaid bills, thereby putting my financial situation (aka, cracks in the paint) in grave danger.

DUNE: PART TWO / November 3, 2023 (Theaters)

“Paul Atreides unites with Chani and the Fremen while seeking revenge against the conspirators who destroyed his family. Facing a choice between the love of his life and the fate of the Universe, he must prevent a terrible future only he can foresee.”

The trailer for this one is crazy cool, wherein Paul Atreides rides one of those aircraft carrier-sized sandworms. He also gets to make out with Zendaya. I’m not sure which I’d like to do more. (Who am I kidding — SANDWORMS, b*tches!!!)

MONOLITH / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A disgraced journalist attempts to salvage her career by turning to investigative podcasting. While trying to uncover the secrets behind a strange artifact with links to an alien conspiracy theory, the journalist soon finds that the story has moved uncomfortably close to home, leaving her to grapple with the lies at the heart of her own story.”

Podcasting is akin to sitting on a toilet equipped with a microphone. There’s some real “live streaming” for you. (I think I used that joke before. If it ain’t broke… Okay, I used that one before, too. Crap.)

Godzilla Noodles, Future Pollution, Tropical Cults

Did you know that for a mere $5.99 you can have your face roasted off by Godzilla? That’s a pretty good deal considering the going rate is $14.99. I’m talking, of course, about FYE.com’s™ exclusive sale-priced Godzilla Ghost Pepper Ramen™, which is hotter than Godzilla’s own melt-y breath.

From FYE.com™: “Introducing Godzilla Ghost Pepper Ramen™ — the spiciest and most delicious instant ramen you’ll ever try! This 5-pack includes five individual servings of noodles and broth that are packed with the intense heat of ghost peppers. Each bite of these fiery noodles will send your taste buds into overdrive, providing a bold and flavorful experience that is sure to satisfy even the most discerning spicy food lovers. The ghost pepper, also known as the Bhut Jolokia, is one of the hottest peppers in the world, packing a punch that is sure to make your mouth water.”

Fye.com™ is also suggest pairing the hellishly hot noodles (click here) with a themed Godzilla ramen bowl (click here) and Godzilla chopsticks (click here), though they should be offering Baby Godzilla-sized fire extinguishers. So while we’re gambling grievous bodily harm by consuming this edible version of lava, here are few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not kick your Bhut… 

BLACK KNIGHT / May 12, 2023 (Netflix™)

“In the year 2071 it’s impossible to live without a respirator due to extreme air pollution. With a majority of the Korean peninsula now a wasteland and only one per cent of its original population remaining, delivery drivers play a crucial role in the survival of its inhabitants. The legendary delivery man who goes by the name ‘5-8’ with extraordinary fighting skills meets Sa-wol, a refugee who dreams of becoming a delivery driver, the only hope of refugees.”

It’s like they say about air — it’s no big deal until you’re not getting any.

THE FIRST HARVEST / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After his daughter goes missing, Jerry decides to hunt down the serial killer known as Jay Sullivan. Upon having nightmares of Jay, his wife Emily decides to join in the hunt. Meanwhile, Jay himself struggles with reality. When he makes a bold decision, he risks everything and everyone he loves. In this tribute to ’80s horror, who can survive?”

Okay, this is totally freaky — I have a neighbor in my apartment building named Jay Sullivan. Unassuming, quiet, keeps to himself. Yep, he’s a serial killer.

CURSED WATERS / Pending crowd-funding (VOD)

“After their ship is sunk in a naval battle, a group of pirates flee to a nearby island. However, the island is more than it seems. As they try to evade capture by the Navy they soon find that the island is inhabited by a terrifying cult. What other secrets does this island hold? Can the pirates survive? Can they escape?”

If a terrifying cult lives on an island, who are they trying to be terrifying to — free-range rhesus monkeys? That could backfire in a big way because those dirty things are known for throwing their own leavings at enemies and each other. Super ick.

MALICE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“An ancient evil is unleashed upon six people in a cabin that possesses those who are close to death. They must battle against plague and seal it away before it takes them all over.”

There’s an Asian horror movie coming out this year with the same name. In Japan, though, it’s called Akui. That’s the sound I make when I sneeze while watching highly-cliched horror movies.

Camping With Killers, Murder Creatures, Cult Crazies

The cult horror classic Sleepaway Camp, a Friday the 13th photocopy, came out in 1983 and has one of the most shocking “didn’t see that coming” endings in horror movie history. Two other notes of interest: Sleepaway Camp was released as Nightmare Vacation in England, and Anchor Bay Entertainment™, who reissued the movie as a four-disc box set, was cease and desisted by the Red Cross™ for the use of their globally-recognized medical red cross symbol on the box cover. Note of no interest: Sleepaway Camp was followed by four sequels, Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers (1988), Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland (1989), Return to Sleepaway Camp (2008), and Sleepaway Camp IV: The Survivor (2012).

Now, thanks to On Set Cinema™, you can attend a screening of the movie where it was filmed. From the press release: “Join On Set Cinema™ in Argyle, NY this summer where Camp Arawak once stood for a very special screening event for the 1983 slasher cult classic, Sleepaway Camp. Nearly the entire movie was filmed at this location. They will be doing two back-to-back events — Monday, June 19th & Tuesday, June 20th, 2023.”

“Fans will enjoy an entire day at the former camp — there will be swimming and kayaking in the lake where a ton of scenes in the movie took place (watch out for Kenny’s body), a filming locations walking tour, a screening of the movie where the infamous Angela ending took place and overnight tent camping to get the full Sleepaway Camp experience! Get tickets here.”

So while we pack up our sleeping bags and slasher repellent and head to Camp Arawak, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have an ending that’s as messed up as Sleepaway Camp…

SHIFTED / April 18, 2023 (Screambox™)

“As murderous creatures ravage the outside, a group of neighbors take refuge in an isolated house. Their relief is short-lived as a sinister secret hides within those walls, and they become the prey of a serial killer hidden among them. As supplies dwindle and paranoia grows, they are left to wonder who will survive when the world has…shifted.”

They don’t explain who/what the murderous creatures are, but I’m thinkin’ Republicans.

TOTEM CHASER / May 3, 2023 (Brooklyn, NY premier), Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A video crew seeks the truth of the paranormal. A cult priestess lures them to be unwitting sacrifices, while they believe this is the haunted house that will bring them fame and fortune. When they find themselves in too deep, it’s a race against time for the video crew to stop the embodiment of a demonic god — or feed their flesh to the Totem Cult.”

Cult priestess…haunted house…human sacrifice…demonic god. There are worse things to do on a Saturday night.

THE THIRD SATURDAY IN OCTOBER PART 1 / May 5, 2023 (VOD)

“October 1979. Ricky Dean is a man on a mission. Years ago, he lost a child at the hands of a psychopathic killer named Jakkariah Harding. When Harding escapes Death Row, Ricky throws himself into the line of fire to stop him from killing again as Harding preys upon a group of friends gathered to watch a college football game.”

Lots of other events happened in October of 1979: The U.S. returned the Canal Zone to Panama (about freakin’ time), Mother Teresa was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize and was awarded $192,000.00 (she gave it to the poor instead of letting it ride on red at the casinos), and “My Sharona” by acid jazz pop rockers The Knack falls from the #1 spot on Billboard™ after ruling the radio for six weeks. Being a psychopathic killer back then kinda pales in comparison.

THE THIRD SATURDAY IN OCTOBER PART V / May 5, 2023 (VOD)

“Unstoppable killer Jakkariah “Jack” Harding is back in town after seven years, as he stalks and kills at random before chancing upon a football watch party. The game is, of course, between longstanding rivals the Alabama-Mobile Seahawks and Tennessee A&M Commonwealth. Chaos ensues, in increasingly ridiculous fashion, with inventive murders and multiple love triangles. Hearts are broken and appendages are torn.”

Don’t let the Part V fool you — Part II, III and IV do not exist, so this is the sequel to Part I. Confusing, but not as confusing as the fake football teams (Alabama-Mobile Seahawks?) and why the killer only targets people watching said football games. Heaven help us if Jakkariah catches anyone watching the Cornhole Olympics on ESPN™.

Frolicking Kaiju, Clay Sharks, Teenage Death Trap

Going back to the medieval days of 1997, there were three-minute campy film shorts under the title of Godzilla Island (250 in all), but you had to temporarily visit and/or live in Japan to see ’em. But wait — you can watch ’em on YouTube™ in the US for free right now. And yes, they’re subtitled. Whew — now I can understand the screaming of fleeing Japanese citizens in a language I’m somewhat familiar with.

Behold — the details: “Travel to Godzilla Island and enjoy the antics of your favorite kaiju such as Mothra, Rodan, Ghidorah, and of course, Godzilla in the 1997 short-form series. The year is 2097. Monsters live and frolic on Godzilla Island under the watchful eye of G Guard, a human peacekeeping force. But with a massive, belligerent UFO heading straight for the island, how long can that peace last? Episodes of Godzilla Island will be released every Tuesday and Thursday (click here).”

While we contemplate what a belligerent UFO is exactly, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be better suited in a three-minute format… 

THE RESURRECTION OF CHARLES MANSON / March 16, 2023 (VOD)

“A couple goes to the desert for a romantic weekend and shoots an audition for a role in an upcoming film. Their holiday quickly turns deadly as they are the target of a cult that carries on the evil beliefs and murderous practices of the Manson Family. This cult believes they can resurrect the ultimate object of their obsession — Charles Manson himself — through a shocking ritual of human sacrifice.”

All quality cults live in the desert. And the woods. And that scummy apartment building right next to mine.

JURASSIC SHARK 3: SEAVENGE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A reporter, cameraman, and some petty thieves are stranded in a boat out on the ocean. The only thing that stands between them and their lives is a 50-foot prehistoric megalodon shark. They must all pull together to survive.”

According to my investigative research (Wikipedia™), the estimated maximum length of a megalodon is 67 feet. This means this movie’s megalodon, at 50 feet long, is a bit on the short side. In other words, this shark is a…shrimp.

COCAINE SHARK / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A mafia drug lord has unleashed a new, highly addictive stimulant on the streets called HT25, derived from sharks held captive in a secret lab, and which causes monstrous side effects. After an explosion and leak at the lab, an army of mutated, bloodthirsty sharks and other creatures are set loose on the world as a small band of people try to stop the carnage.”

I watched the trailer — the mutated bloodthirsty sharks are made of clay. Highly addictive clay.

THE WRATH OF BECKY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Two years after she escaped a violent attack on her family, Becky attempts to rebuild her life in the care of an older woman — a kindred spirit named Elena. But when a group known as the ‘Noble Men’ break into their home, attack them, and take her beloved dog, Diego, Becky must return to her old ways to protect herself and her loved ones.”

Kinda like Home Alone (1990), but with more slaughtering.

Lunar Lunacy, Clown Exorcism, Celestial Gremlins

Besides inventing outer space, Tang™ and a couple of the nicer galaxies, NASA™ — National Aeronautics and Space Administration founded in 1958 — did something so cool, it’ll make you wanna apply to be one of their astronauts. (I tried, and they wrote back, “How about, astro-NOT?” Man, that’s cold.) Anyway, NASA™ designed horror/sci-fi movie posters based on real-life space stuff. It’s like they’re entertaining and teaching us — at the SAME TIME. Genius.

On their amazingly clever interactive Galaxy of Horrors web site, they have downloadable poster art with their science fact plot lines: Roasted Planet (“As HD 80606 b approaches its star from an extreme, elliptical orbit, it suffers star-grazing torture that causes howling, supersonic winds and shockwave storms across the planet”), Devoured By Gravity “(Lurking in our galaxy, approximately 6,000 light-years from Earth, is a monster black hole named CygnusX-1. Don’t get too close, or you’ll become its next meal!”)‚ and the super spooky, Gamma Ray Ghouls (“In the depths of the universe, the cores of two collapsed stars violently merge to release a burst of the deadliest and most powerful form of light – gamma rays. These beams are unleashed and shine a million trillion times brighter than the Sun.”)

And these are just a few of NASA’s™ “movies.” Click here to download free hi-res posters (Spanish versions available as well) and learn about the scary stuff right outside our Earthly confines/DYI space capsule. And while you put down your tasty simulated orange flavor powdered astronaut breakfast drink and do that immediately, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not seem “meh” compared to the real horrors of outer space…

HYPNOTICA / March 31, 2023 (VOD)

“A young psychiatrist tries hypnotism to save a patient but will soon wish to God he hadn’t.”

I tried to hypnotize a bartender once into over-serving me. If it wasn’t for him not at all being hypnotized, it might’ve worked.

CAMP BLOOD 666 PART 2: EXORCISM OF THE CLOWN / Out now (DVD), Release pending (VOD)

“Camp Blood is under new ownership as the updated Camp Blackwood. Locals hope to bury the infamous clown killer’s past, and release the victims from their torment. But when a pastor with ties to the previous grounds takes his church group out to make contact with restless spirits, wrath is all they are doomed to find. The clown killer is back, and this time he has an enemy of equal evil. His former cult followers have turned, as well as a vengeful witch, who will stop at nothing to see these titans of terror collide, and destroy anyone in their path.”

I thought the only restless spirits church people try to make contact with is Jesus ’n friends. Trying to find salvation with a clown killer (or “killer clown”) doesn’t seem like an astute spiritual business model.

SUMMONING THE SPIRIT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Carla and Deanas decide to escape the hustle of the big city and purchase a home in the remote forest. They have big plans for their new quiet life, only to find something much more sinister. The couple quickly realize that they are on the land of a cult, and the leader claims a telepathic connection to a legendary flesh-eating beast deep in the woods surrounding them. Carla and Dean are forced to uncover the terrifying truth of the cult’s prophecy.”

A movie with Bigfoot in it of all things. Though it’s really annoying they refer to BF as “flesh-eating.” Squirrel sausages or raccoon sliders, yes. Human skin? Very low on his palate’s flavor profile.

SPACE GOBLINS / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“The film is a soft reboot of the underground cult-classic Space Goblins (2020) animated film. Having been living off the grid for the last decade, Bounty hunters Gib and Gob find themselves being called back into action for what could be their very last assignment.”

Cool title. Cool plot? Remains to be seen. And that’s IF you decide to seen it.