6 Inches of Terror, Digital Death, Jackie The Ripper

NECA™, maker of fine horror toys, has three must-have figures coming out in August of 2023. Using an abacus (calculator that doesn’t need batteries or plugged in), I determined that to be a little less than six months from the date of this posting. (I’ll have to get back to you on today’s date — I think I broke my abacus while calculating last month’s bar tab.) NECA™, who previously brought us fun figurines like Elvira, Herbert West (Re-Animator), The Miner (My Bloody Valentine), Freddy Krueger (The Brady Bunch), Universal Monsters and measurable tons more, is adding Vampira, Svengoolie and Captain Spaulding to their vast inventory.

According to NECA’s™ addictive website: “Bring the fun of Saturday morning cartoons to your horror collection with the adorable little creeps of Toony Terrors, NECA’s™ line of stylized horror icons! Standing approximately 6” tall, the Series 8 action figure assortment includes Captain Spaulding (House of 1000 Corpses) with alternate head, Vampira with skull, and Svengoolie. Each figure comes in blister card packaging with a bonus cutout backdrop.” (Preorder here).

While we chuck once-cherished family heirlooms cluttering up valuable shelf space to make room for these under $20 figures, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have been made with a budget determined by a working abacus… 

GHOST WEBCAM / Available now (Tubi™)

“While under house arrest, Nate goes on a virtual date with a woman who appears to get murdered on camera. He needs to find out if it’s real or a hoax.”

Virtual dating seems so 2022. There are pros and cons, though, the best part being is when you get a data date to show you her binarys and you put your hardware into her software. Click and a promise.

THE GHOST WITHIN / March 17, 2023 (VOD)

“Margot revisits her family home, desperate to uncover who killed her sister Evie 20 years earlier. As she gets closer to the truth, Margot finds herself facing her deepest fears in the house that’s still haunted by Evie’s ghost.”

She died 20 years earlier and now you’re desperate to solve your sister’s murder? Sounds more like, “I’ll get around to it eventually, sis.”  

SLASHER: RIPPER / April 6, 2023 (Shudder™, AMC+™)

“Basil Garvey, a charismatic tycoon whose success is only rivaled by his ruthlessness, oversees a city on the cusp of a new century and a social upheaval that will see its streets run red with blood. There’s a killer stalking the mean streets, but instead of targeting the poor and downtrodden like Jack the Ripper, The Widow is meting out justice against the rich and powerful. The only person standing in the way of this killer is the newly promoted detective, Kenneth Rijkers, whose ironclad belief in justice may wind up being yet another victim of The Widow.”

Kinda like the bloodletting version of Robin Hood (1950). If The Widow is only going after the rich and powerful, I can safely leave my doors unlocked.

BROOKLYN 45 / Release pending 2023 (Shudder™)

“Friday, December 27, 1945. Five military veterans gather in the ornate parlour of a Brooklyn brownstone. Best friends since childhood, they’ve reunited to support their troubled host. But when his invitation for cocktails turns into an impromptu séance, the metaphoric ghosts of their past become all-too-literal. Trapped in their host’s lounge, the Greatest Generation now finds themselves put to one final test, with their only route to freedom being more bloodshed.”

Soldiers vs. Specters. Army vs. Apparitions. Platoon vs. Poltergeists. Brigade vs. Banshees. I could do this for another three minutes.

Poltergeist Police, Apparition Anthology, Specter Slasher

If you’ve ever watched ghost-hunting “reality” shows and thought, “Well heck — I could do that and make an idiot out off myself way better than those guys,” now you can with Ghost Stop’s™ Ghost Hunting Gear, a one-stop shop with all the equipment you need to expose real-life hauntings for what they are. (Don’t make me explain this.)

Ghost Stop™ has it all to get on Casper’s case, from EVP recorders and meters, video cameras, thermal cams, and branded backpacks to stuff it all in. And before you think this is all nonsense, the prices aren’t: the EVP Recorder is a scary $89.95, the Phasm Cam is a shocking $179.95, Ghost Stop’s™ Spirit Box Ghost Hunting Kit will spook you out of $252.80, and the Pro Ghost Hunting Kit is a spine-chilling $699.70. You could spend that money on beer and film yourself haunting various bars and/or taverns. Now THERE’S a reality show worth watching…and I would like to audition for it.

While you look to get your ghost gumshoeing on, here are a few out now horror movies that may or may not scare the easily detectable ectoplasm out of you…    

LET IT GHOST / Out now (VOD)

“This anthology film features a triplet of horror stories, starring up-and-coming actors and popular local Youtubers™. A film crew is haunted by paranormal activities; When a taxi driver takes his girlfriend to a party room to get it on, a horny ghost adds spice to the proceedings; When a wandering ghost refuses to leave a soon-to-be-gentrified mall, the tenants concoct a plan to send her off.”

Of these I would like to see how they pull off a threesome with a ghost. For starters, what would they use for lube — VapoRub™?

THE OPEN BODY / Out now (VOD)

“1909. Miguel, a young teacher, is sent to work in a small, gloomy village on the border between Spain and Portugal. There, he will start to feel a special kind of fascination for Dorinda, the wife of Turelo, who is having an extra-marital affair with Mauro. When, one icy morning, Mauro’s body is found hanging from a cherry tree, the teacher begins to suspect that his soul is still wandering around the village in search of revenge. An erudite and highly rational man, the teacher now comes face to face with a world that is no short of archaic in its ways and values. A universe that still believes in the ‘open bodies’, which are especially prone to being possessed by the spirits of the dead and who use them as a way to manifest themselves and establish a relationship with the living.”

Mauro’s soul isn’t wandering around the village in search of revenge — he’s looking to establish a relationship with a living restroom. (Apparently, there are no working toilets in the afterlife. Guess that’s why it’s called Hell.)  

DR. GIFT / Out now (VOD)

“What do you get when you combine an ’80s slasher with a haunting ghost story?”

A reason to waste $4.99 to rent it.

UFO PARANORMAL OVERLORDS / Out now (VOD)

“Why are Aliens so widespread in ancient tradition, mythology, religion and even now in our modern age? The truth can be found within the mind’s connection to other realms. We can access this ‘dark’ side of the mind and Alien connection via methods used by the ancients to access our own internal world, which is our gateway to other realms. With the use of medicinals, meditation or prayer we can access this other dimension but the pathway is multi-leveled and complex. It is the hypnagogic — the point between waking and sleeping. Within this realm we can see and experience what Carl Jung termed ‘archetypes’ which have been encountered since time immemorial, are in reality our connection to the Multiverse. Since ancient times, we have encountered what we now call ‘Aliens’ in many forms that have more than influenced our history, they may have created it.”

Accessing the mind’s dark side and Alien connections using medicinals and meditation? Who made this documentary — hippies?

Exploding Heads, Lake Kaijus, Witch Sweaters

Scanners is an 1981 Canadian science-fiction horror movie made infamous by graphically exploding heads. I approve of that sentence. Now, four decades later, it’s being turned into a series on HBO™ (Head Blow Up — heh). One question — why the swear word did it take this long?

The original plot: “A scientist trains a man with an advanced telepathic ability called ‘scanning’, to stop a dangerous Scanner with extraordinary psychic powers from waging war against non scanners.”

In a direct nod to Scanners, on Season Two and Three of The Boys (on Amazon Prime™ — why aren’t you watching it now?), has a Supe (super-powered individual) merely willing functioning skulls — and whatever they’re connected to — ka-boom like lasagna-filled balloons.

A Scanners series is in the works now, which means it’ll be awhile (guessing a week or so sometime next year) before we get to see it. In the meantime, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not make you crave a steaming paper plate of noggin lasagna…

THE LAKE / Pending release US 2022/2023 / Out now in Thailand

“A mysterious monster rises from the Mekong River, attacked Bueng Kan and cuts off people from the outside world. Officials, including Chinese scientists who came to conduct research in Thailand, mobilize to catch this crazy monster before it’s too late.”

The movie is in Thai. Thailand is home to 71 living languages. That means 71 different ways to order Singha, a soapy but not-without-its-charms green bottle beer. That said, you actually don’t need to understand the dialogue as the crazy monster is freakin’ cool. And, if you haven’t heard, that freakin’ thing is exclamation point crazy. Watch the trailer on YouTube™ if you don’t believe my crazy wordles.

CROC! / October 4, 2022 (VOD)

“Lisa and her family unite at a wedding venue, excited for the big day. However, unknown to the family, a nest of hungry crocodiles has been living in the nearby lake. As the crocodiles crash the wedding in a blood thirsty massacre, the remaining family members must survive the night against these Jurassic beasts.”

In an ironic twist of fate, all the ‘til-death-do-us-part guests taste like a screaming wedding cake. Ingredients: butter, sugar, eggs and legs.

DON’T LOOK AT THE DEMON / October 7, 2022 / Limited

“Led by a troubled medium, an American television crew of paranormal investigators go to the home of a couple who claim to have experienced inexplicable, threatening disturbances. Delving into the mystery, they encounter possessions and apparitions more terrifying than any they’d witnessed before — actual contact with the other side. As the cameras roll and bodies are possessed, they’re inevitably overwhelmed by this violent supernatural force.”

Sounds like last call at The Tug Tavern, the violent supernatural force not attributed to sweet/refreshing beer, but rather those $1.00 freshness-expired pickled eggs in that fingerprint smeared jar behind the bar next to light bulb-heated cashews (also $1.00). Stomach-churning, and yet patrons are drawn to ’em as if caught in a paranormal vortex. This NEVER ends well.

TWO WITCHES / Pending release 2022

“A pregnant woman is convinced she has been cursed by a witch, while another woman, with violent impulses, hopes to inherit her great-grandmother’s powers. Two generations of witches and the dire consequences for those who cross their path.”

Sounds like we’re in store for an epic witch-slap. I wish I could’ve inherited powers from my great-grandmother. All I got was a sweater.

Photographic Jaws, Mixtape Monsters, Gator Aid

No question the poster for Jaws (1975) is one of the most iconic pieces of movie art of all time. Illustrated by Roger Kastel, the art has been turned into everything from book covers and board games, to countless parodies and baby blankets. And thanks to British filmmaker/cage diver Euan Rannachan, we now get to see the Jaws poster come to life, featuring his uncanny photo of a real shark swimming Jaws-style towards some soon-to-be happy meal.

As first reported by the Daily Mail, Euan took the one-in-a-million pic off the coast of Mexico. Here’s what he had to say about that: “The shark in my image is a female and her name is Squirrel. We’d been with her for a while. We have these people on the boat called shark wranglers and they throw these two-foot chunks of tuna to get the shark close to the surface,” Rannachan told the site, explaining how he got the perfect photograph of the seventeen-foot shark. A guy named Crazy Luis stood up on the boat to bring the shark to us as we sat on the surface in the shark cage.”

Crazy Luis seems like someone you’d want to fiesta with. And while we spitball alternative names for a shark other than Squirrel (?!?), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be improved by adding two-foot chunks of tuna to ’em…

STARFISH (May 28, 2019)
When a mysterious signal from an unknown dimension summons the end of days, it appears as if only Aubrey is left on earth. Trapped in the apartment of her recently deceased best friend, the only clue she has is a single cassette left behind after her friend’s death, labeled: “THIS MIXTAPE WILL SAVE THE WORLD.” Thrust into a mystery orchestrated by her friend and stricken with grief, Aubrey begins to piece the clues together, uncovering a series of tapes all with pieces of the mystery signal. Along the way, progress is impeded when monstrous creatures begin to overrun the world and enclose in on her. Aubrey is forced to fight off the encroaching creatures and move beyond her own crippling grief in order to find the remaining tapes. But will completing The Signal save the world?”

Wonder if the mixtape has R.E.M.’s “It’s the End of The World” on it? That’d be pretty funny if it did. So Aubrey is the last gal standing, facing off against giant monsters. As apocalyptic scenarios go, that’s not too shabby, even if it does “borrow” from The Last Man On Earth (1964), The Omega Man (1971) and I Am Legend (2007). Lesser so with The Last Woman on Earth (1960), which had two dudes fighting over her and all the shoe stores in the world open 24 hours a day.

HALLOWED GROUND (June 11, 2019)
“A married couple, trying to rebuild their relationship after an affair, travels to a secluded cabin and stumbles into a blood feud between the Native American owners of the property and the neighboring clan, who obsessively guard their land and punish those who trespass on it in terrifying ways.”

About time Native Americans gave the business end of the tomahawk to those Republicans. I bet one of the terrifying ways to punish them would be to put ‘em in a teepee to reflect on their shameful behavior. Probably wouldn’t be able to make sit in a corner because, hey, teepees are round, man. I totally looked it up.

CRAWL (July 12, 2019)
“When a massive hurricane hits her Florida hometown, Haley ignores evacuation orders to search for her missing father. Finding him gravely injured in the crawl space of their family home, the two become trapped by quickly encroaching floodwaters. As time runs out to escape the strengthening storm, Haley and her father discover that the rising water level is the least of their fears.”

Even though it takes the premise of Bait 3D (2012), it’s no spoiler that crocodiles and/or alligators end up in flooded houses and/or condos. The trailer for this one is insane cool, with many hungry reptiles showing up for this buffet, which has a lot of screaming deals. Heh.

DEATHCEMBER (2019)
“Coming soon, the holiday horror anthology Deathcember will open 24 doors to Hell for ‘the ultimate advent horror anthology movie.’ The anthology will feature 24 shorts by 24 directors from around the globe, each one taking a look at the dark side of the festive season. In “A Christmas Miracle,” a grieving mother who suffered a stillbirth is spending Christmas alone, when she is visited by an apparition that promises to bring her child back to life — but at what cost?”

Cool — hope they do a poster for all the segments; I need new wallpaper. Deathcember is even more cool than you think — the film crew was/is made up of almost entirely women. Women can be just as scary as men. Just ask any divorced dude.

Jewish Horror, Erotic Horror, Photocopied Horror

If you’re a fan of fringe art, hard to find a better place than G1988, a kick ass art gallery in Los Angeles (7308 Melrose Ave.) They do theme shows all the time, featuring groovy cool works from indie artists. Their latest show — and a returning one at that — is Product Placement artwork inspired by fictitious items from movies and TV. (They had me at Product Placement.)

Contributing artists for this one includes Blain Hefner and his brilliant take on Halloween, James Olstein’s kitschy spin on Batman, and Ryan Hungerford’s killer Captain Spaulding (from House of 1000 Corpses/2003) famous fried chicken. And if this all wasn’t cool enough, you can actually buy prints of these must-have artfulness.

I’m gonna have to buy a couple as the only things I can draw are curtains, bathwater and flies. (Old joke, but it still cracks me up.) Before you click on over to gallery1988.com to browse through their insanely amazing art pieces, here are a few now just released/upcoming horror movies that may or may not be suitable for framing…

THE LEGEND OF HALLOWEEN JACK (available now)
“The sleepy seaside town of England is about to learn the true meaning of vengeance. As the residents gear up for the annual Halloween celebration, little do they know that their seemingly perfect town masks a guilty secret. One year earlier a group of vigilantes took matters into their own hands when notorious criminal Jack Cain escaped conviction. After torturing and killing Cain, they buried his body in the local cornfield and made a pact to never speak his name again. Now, on the day when the veil between the living and dead is at its thinnest, a mysterious apparition begins stalking the land and dishing out brutal retribution to the vigilante group. So begins the Legend of Halloween Jack.”

Freddy Krueger should sue Halloween Jack for jackin’ the Elm Street horror icon’s intellectual property. And this take on the plot is as uninspired as his burlap suit. (Burlap doesn’t coordinate with anything except potatoes.)

AMERICAN FRIGHT FEST (available now)
“Blood runs rampant on Halloween night when a small town’s Fright Fest becomes real inside the walls of a long abandoned asylum. Spencer Crowe, a former A-List horror director — long past his prime, having been in and out of rehab several times — gets a second chance at his career when he’s given the opportunity to produce a local Fright Fest.”

And this guy is ripping off Leatherface, what with the chainsaw and mangled face mask. How come nobody uses a weed wacker as a weapon of choice? Those things can make serious welts on your ankles and shins.

THE HOUSE OF VIOLENT DESIRE (available now)
“In a remote hill top mansion, a mysterious stranger emerges from a thunderstorm in the night, seeking refuge with the Whipley family; four young adults ruled by their strict religious mother, and their troubled father, who has vanished the previous night. But perhaps the ‘stranger’ is more connected to this family and to the dark unknown history of the house than they could ever suspect, and as the visitor begins to cultivate sexual tensions and paranoia within the house, the devilishly erotic history of the Whipley family threatens to lure them deep into its lustful, violent madness once again.”

The House of Violent Desire. Sounds like a cool name for a dive bar.

HANUKKAH (2018)
“Obediah Lazarus is the son of Judah Lazarus, the original Hanukiller. In 1983, Judah terrorized NY for seven nights and was preparing to sacrifice his eight-year-old son, Obediah, on the eighth night. Judah was convinced it was God’s will, like Abraham and Isaac, to sacrifice his only son to God. Luckily for Obediah, police tracked Judah down and stopped the sacrifice, but Judah was gunned down in the process. Warped by hatred with no guidance, Obediah Lazarus becomes a religious extremist, intolerant of non-Jews, ‘bad Jews’, and those he perceives to be enemies of the Jewish faith. He is about to unleash eight nights of horror. A group of Jewish teens are getting ready to party for the holidays, but are in for a Festival of Frights. With the help of a wise Rabbi, they deduce that the murder victims have violated Judaic law and that their only chance at survival is to embrace their faith.”

Oy veh — a Jewish slasher film! The plot, though, reminds me of an old joke: 

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating.

A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.

Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.

The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, “Who wrote this crap?”

Comedy gold, I tell you.

Creatures Sharing Features

Ardent fan of creature features. Think it has something to do with alcohol. I’m a big fan of that as well. So imagine my inebriated glee to see two new “nature gone wild” horror movies headed towards my bar stool: Indigenous – a take on the Chupacabra legend (at least I think that’s what it is), and Gitaskog, a fishy horned serpent (at least I think that’s what it is).

Curiously, both movies (release dates pending) share distinctive (i.e., photocopied) ingredients, the first of which is the employment of folklore creatures. But there’s more than that. You may proceed…

Indigenous: “Five friends travel from Los Angeles to exotic Panama for a week of partying in the lush tropical paradise…”

Gitaskog: “Five friends embark on a camping trip to sacred Native territory…”

Indigenous: “They learn of a secret jungle hike to a pristine waterfall nearby and are cautioned strongly against the hike, warning that other gringos in search of the legendary waterfall had mysteriously disappeared into the jungle, never to be seen or heard from again. Ignoring the warnings…”

Gitaskog: “They are warned to stay away. When they choose to ignore the warning…”

Indigenous: “As night closes in, the friends realize too late the truth behind the warnings – horrific, bloodthirsty, flesh-eating creatures are now stalking them…”

Gitaskog: “They are confronted with strange occurrences, seductive apparitions, vengeful locals and a deadly behemoth. Their weekend of fun becomes a descent into Hell…”

It appears both movies were written by the same person. I care not, because hey – creatures! And we all know what goes good with creatures – alcohol, an ingredient necessary for the betterment of every horror movie.

House of Dull Ghosts

House of the Invisibles (2007) is a Chinese “horror” movie about the remaining residents in a haunted demolition-marked apartment building. Geez, all they had to do was raise the rent to get ‘em to move out. Why go to all the trouble of getting a cool but unnecessary wrecking ball?

A man murders his wife with a pillow and then hangs himself. Later, their ghosts are called into action when they’re disturbed by a cast of incredibly dull and pointless characters. You have a fat guy addicted to prostitutes, a loser who can’t stop gambling, a pot-head who can’t stop smoking and several ghosts downstairs (looking suspiciously like humans) who are trying to get a host body so they can get out of the building.

You only know House of the Invisibles is a ghost flick because they tell you. What spirits you do see are only on screen for a second, though one prostitute does show her rotted face (it wasn’t that messed up) for five seconds.

No scares, no nudity, no blood, no brain-eating, no swearing. How this is supposed to count as horror is beyond my realm. Duped again.