Aqua Army, Vampire Prisoners, The Listening Dead

Finally getting the first of what will likely be a million different key art posters for the upcoming Aquaman movie (December 21, 2018). They’re off to a good start — tons of sharks, whales and other toothy sea creatures that make up Aquaman’s liquidized soldiers of fortune.

I probably already posted this, but here is the plot again in case you need it to round out your bucket list: “Arthur Curry (Aquaman), the heir to the underwater kingdom of Atlantis, must step forward to lead his people and to be a hero to the world, just as his brother Orm seeks to unite the seven kingdoms against the surface world.”

Count me in as an aqua-ally. In fact, I’m already wearing my moisture-proof swim suit as we speak and am ready to kick some clam.

Here’s a crazy thought, however — where did Aquaman get his tattoos? It’s not like there are underwater tattoo shops within swimming distance. And with him being in the water all the time, wouldn’t the tattoos wash off every high tide? Mine come off every time I take a shower. (That’s the last time I spend all my hard-earned cash on rub-on tattoos. Apparently, quality stands for nothing these days.)

While I finish up my new Superman “S” emblem logo on my chest with a felt pen (let’s see Dove Men’s Body Wash™ make a dent in that), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not pollute one or more of the underwater seven kingdoms… 

FANGED UP (July 30, 2018/UK/DVD)
When self-styled absolute lad Jimmy Ragsdale makes a pass at his boss’ wife, the ensuing brawl seals the deal on a night he’ll never forget — locked in the halls of a hellish prison! Jimmy will have more on his plate than just tough Russian cell mate Victor, however. When the wardens unleash their true vampiric colors, the inmates find themselves caught in a bloody battle that is sure to prove just how ‘hard’ Jimmy really is.”

Absolute Lad. Sounds like a wanna be superhero sidekick with a corduroy cape. The boss’ wide must’ve been some looker in order to risk being locked up with a bunch of vampires. Then again, if you don’t buy a ticket, you can’t win he Lottery.

GOOSEBUMPS 2: HAUNTED HALLOWEEN (October 12, 2018)
“Halloween comes to life in a brand-new comedy adventure based on R.L. Stine’s 400 million-selling series of books.”

Watched the trailer — looks like they’re bringing back a lot of the “monsters” from the first film (Goosebumps/2015). I liked the Yeti, but the werewolf was/is my favorite. He/she/it seems just so darn fun. I bet he’d play fetch with you if you threw him a bone — with a human still attached to it.

JUST A BREATH AWAY (aka, DANS LA BRUME/2018)
“A man and wife are desperately trying to save their daughter from a deadly toxic mist that has engulfed Paris after an earthquake. Only those lucky enough to escape to the rooftops of the city were able to survive; their daughter, who suffers from a genetic condition requiring her to live in a hermetic box that filters the air, is trapped below.”

The deadly toxic mist in Paris? This is what happens when everybody finally eats bowel-cleansing leafy greens instead of butter-fortified croissants for once in their unhealthy lives. Still, better than being stuck in a hermetic box with no access to butter-fortified croissants.

THE NIGHTSHIFTER (2018)
“Stênio works the night shift at a morgue in a very large, very violent city. On the job, he sees cadavers in every conceivable state, often the victims of horrific gang warfare. While most would be rather unsettled by it all, Stênio is not. For the dead speak to him. Not in any metaphorical sense but in a very literal way. Stênio was born with an occult gift and while not everyone would be at ease conversing with mutilated cadavers on slabs, he has learned that there are endless secrets that can be gleaned this way. Related to crime. To prosperity. One day he learns a terrible secret about people in his own life. He commits the sin of acting on knowledge obtained from the dead, cursing himself and those dearest to him in the process.”

A mixed bag hanging out with cadavers. On one hand, they’re really good listeners. But the downside is they all smell like urinal cakes. 

French Werewolves

Though similar and misleading in title, An American Werewolf in Paris (1997) is NOT a sequel to the far superior An American Werewolf in London (1981). Double shame upon them for tricking us. OK, tricking me. Hey, I take the bait when others won’t, so up yours, “smarter than me” people.

Three U.S. college grads go to France to bungee jump off the Eiffel Tower (illegal for some reason) and end up saving a supermodel who was trying to commit air-to-ground suicide because she’s a werewolf.

One of the guys falls for her as she was falling to her death. Poetic. The girl, still distraught over still having to shave her legs, runs away without so much as a thank you or a complimentary boob flash. That’s the French for you.

Later, the boys go to the well-attended social function (booze and disco party) in an old building. Once inside the door is barricaded behind them and the French-party throwers turn into werewolves and eat the imported cuisine.

Before this happens, the love-smitten guy is hurried away by the previously rescued chick through stinky underground Parisian tunnels filled with rats and recycled croissants. The race is on to stop the bad werewolves from eating more Americans and to get a taste ’o that French pastry bouncing around the blouse of the gal the “in love” dude’s been chasing throughout the entire movie.

Amusing horror action and dumb comedy bits, but the real problem here is the werewolves. Digitally created, you get the impression you’re in a video game being gnawed upon by a level boss. And the boobies are both bare and hairy. One of those I do not prefer.